GOON SHOW: TLO 72851
9TH SERIES: No 8
Script by Spike Milligan
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC light programme. The blame should be spread equally!
SECOMDE: He’s right, folks. There are so many in the BBC, the blame can be spread so evenly, it doesn’t notice.
GREENSLADE: Mr Stretcham, how dare you reveal BBC cover-up methods!
SECOMDE: It’s my duty to protect the public, folks, and for this, I hope to get an OBE.
GREENSLADE: And what do you think you are going to do with it?
SECOMDE: I’d sing it.
GREENSLADE: How does it go?
SECOMDE: (sings to the tune of “Oh Shenandoah”)
I love your daughter.
GREENSLADE: So that’s the OBE. Oh, I see. I thought it went - (sings to the tune of Danny Boy.)
the pipes, the pipes are frozen.
SECOMDE: That’s the Order of the Garter you silly twilger And it’s still in the top ten birthday honours
GREENSLADE: Is it?
SECOMDE: Yes, it was fourth last week; listen…
GRAMS: Cash register
SECOMDE: It sounds like Peter Sellers. Forward him, with his hi-fi lawn mower.
SELLERS: It records as it cuts, and that is for me. Come. Now, my applause, please.
GRAMS: Rapturous applause.
SELLERS: Oh yes, yes, yes.
GRAMS: Applause stops suddenly.
SELLERS: I’m getting known. It’s quite obvious, yes. Minstrel – sing that for me.
SPRIGGS: (sings, with guitar accompaniment) I’m getting knoooown.
SECOMDE: How much did he pay you for that?
SPRIGGS: A free feel of his Rolls Royce, Jim.
SECOMDE: Oh well done, well done, well done.
SPRIGGS: (sings) And a fine master is heeeeee.
SPRIGGS: (Dying) Oh, master…
SELLERS: He had to go. I shot him for nothing, you know.
GREENSLADE: Oh, you are a kind man. I think it’s time we had a go at the Grune Show. The scene is a certain place, at a certain time, in a certain year.
MILLIGAN: We’re not giving anything away tonight, folks. Can we have an attack of the thunders, please?
GRAMS: Loud crash of thunder, driving wind, pouring rain.
CRUN: Oh there, that’s got it in position. Ahh… URGHHH!
FX: Woodblock, duck call.
CRUN: EUREKA! I’ve invented the whoopie cushion!
BANNISTER: (Distant) What’s that noise over there?
CRUN: What, what?
BANNISTER: (Distant) What’s that over there? Shush!
CRUN: What? What are you doing at the window, Min of mine?
FX: Pair of boots hobbling nearer.
BANNISTER: I’m counting the rain, Cocky.
CRUN: Come away at once, Min! Supposing people saw you counting rain on a Sunday. What would they say?
BANNISTER: They’d say – OWWWW!
CRUN: You see, I told you so! Now look at the year, eighteen eighty.
BANNISTER: Eighteen eighty? Oh, and I haven’t got the dinner on yet.
CRUN: Never mind the eighteen-eighty dinner, Min of mine. You get on baiting those elephant traps.
BANNISTER: I don’t see the point of them you know.
BANNISTER: We’ve never caught one.
CRUN: That doesn’t mean we must stop trying, Min of mine. Think of the dangers. Supposing you came down one morning for a greens-strainer and found an elephant in the larder, eh?
BANNISTER: Well, I’ve never seen an elephant in the larder.
CRUN: That is because they’re hiding, Min of mine.
BANNISTER: Where do elephants hide? Tell me that!
BANNISTER: Where do elephants hide, Buddy?
CRUN: Well, I don’t know saxophone Min, but it’s clear to me that they must hide somewhere. How else could they get away it for so long?
FX: Knocking on door.
CRUN & BANNISTER: Oooooh.
BANNISTER: Who’s that? We’ll be murdered in our beds! It might be a man of evil powers!
CRUN: What? Min, hand me my tin hat…
FX: Metal plate
CRUN: now my sword…
FX: Sabre rattles.
CRUN: Now the blunderbuss.
BANNISTER: Brave man, Henry.
CRUN: Now Min…
CRUN: Go and see who it is.
BANNISTER: There’s somebody who believes in. Come in!
FX: Door opens.
SEAGOON: Good Evening, I……
GRAMS: Loud explosion.
CRUN: Right in the credentials.
BANNISTER: He’s the man from the credential, Henry.
CRUN: Now sir, what do you want?
SEAGOON: I want a doctor, mate.
CRUN: There is no doctor-mate living here, sir.
SEAGOON: But you must let me in. I’ve had an accident, and it’s starting to show.
FX: Door closes.
SEAGOON: Thank you. I’m the local squire.
CRUN: Ohh, come in. Let me take your hat and coat.
FX: Large piece of paper rustling.
SEAGOON: Thank you.
CRUN: Min, throw these on the fire.
BANNISTER: Yes Henry, I will.
SEAGOON: I was on my way to
BANNISTER: No. But we have a window with a pane of glass missing.
SEAGOON: Oh, I’ll try that. Hello? Hello?
FX: Telephone receiver jiggled.
SEAGOON: Hello, hello? This window’s gone dead.
CRUN: Yes, the GPO took it out after a final demand, you know.
SEAGOON: How painful. Well, it seems as though I’ll have to stay the night here. Have you a bed?
CRUN: Not on me sir. We keep them all upstairs you know.
SEAGOON: Superstitious, eh? Well, have you a spare room?
CRUN: Yes sir, it’s in the spare room.
SEAGOON: Oh, good. Then I’ll put my spare body in it. I only wear this one for work, you know.
BANNISTER: You’ve had a hard day.
SEAGOON: Thank you. I’ll be off in the morning.
BANNISTER: Ohh. But they say the bridge is under water. The River Foot has risen seven inches.
CRUN: No Min, the River Severn has risen foot inches.
BANNISTER: How can a river rise its foot inches?
CRUN: (In a temper.) Who’s talking about a river with feet?!
BANNISTER: (Angry) Don’t you raise your voice to me, Chummy!
FX: Wood blocks. Various pitches. Multiple slapsticks.
BANNISTER & CRUN: (Fighting) Ohhh, arrrghh.
GRAMS: Bring in distant football brawl. Breaking panes of glass. Cannons. Bomb explosion.
BANNISTER: Now Henry, don’t make me lose my temper. (Pause) Where is he? Henry?
SEAGOON: He’s gone. He did a brilliant impression of the oozlum bird.
BANNISTER: Then who have I been hitting?
WILLIUM: It was me, Ma. I come down in me ‘jamas to get a mug o’ tea, and WHALLOP! THUN! BLUT! – I cops a piano on me nut.
SEAGOON: It suits you, though.
WILLIUM: Yer. Well I admit, pianos have always suited me, you know sir. You see, I got a B flat ‘ead, you see.
SEAGOON: How come you’ve got you pyjamas on back-to-front?
WILLIUM: Well, I turned round suddenly and left ‘em behind. I’d better get up to bed now. Good nightie, matey.
SEAGOON: Good night… but it’s breakfast time.
WILLIUM: Yes, well I don’t like waitin’ to the last minute, you see. There’s only one pair of stairs up to my room, and if I miss ‘em I have to wait for the next pair. An hour before they get ‘ere. Good night on you.
SEAGOON: And good night on you.
FX: Door opens.
GRAMS: Rain pouring down.
FX: Door closes.
ECCLES: Hello! Hello Auntie Min. Hello Uncle Crun.
CRUN: Hello Uccle.
ECCLES: ‘Ello Uncle Crun.
SEAGOON: I’m squire Seagoon of the Ferakkapan Farm.
ECCLES: ‘Ello squire Seakon… (Dissolves into rubbish.)
CRUN: Master Muckles, what have you been doing?
ECCLES: I’ve been watering the garden.
SEAGOON: In all the rain?
ECCLES: Don’t look at me so strange. I had a mackintosh on, my man.
CRUN: You must pardon Master Muckle, he’s going through the awkward age, you know.
BANNISTER: He’s been going through it for forty-eight years now, you know.
SEAGOON: Taking the long way round, eh? (Laughs hugely) Ha ha ha ha ha! (Collects himself) Ahem.
ECCLES: I ain’t never met you before, have I?
ECCLES: A-ha, you see. I remembered!
CRUN: He’s training you know.
ECCLES: I’m training you know.
CRUN: Next week he’s entering the World Sleeping Contest!
SEAGOON: Then why isn’t he in bed, training?
FX: Door opens.
ECCLES: Wow it’s ….
GELDRAY: Hold everything boy. I bring bad news, boy.
SEAGOON: Gad! A genuine Diana Dors cast of a wrestler.
GELDRAY: No boy – I ’m the town crier.
SEAGOON: Well start crying then.
GELDRAY: Listen boy, don’t laugh at me. I don’t get any extra money for doing these parts.
SEAGOON: Sounds like a fair arrangement.
GELDRAY: The valley is flooded boy.
CRUN: Eccles! You water those flowers too much I tell you!
GELDRAY: The bridge to
SEAGOON: So are you mate. Get an old conk on top of the harmonica and we’ll fortify ourselves with the BRANNNNDYYYY.
GRAMS: Feet running away.
MAX GELDRAY – “The Birth of the Blues” 
GREENSLADE: Part two, by which time it had been raining for forty days and forty nights, making a grand total of eighty days and nights. The waters rose, and then at dawn – this!
ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme.
GRAMS: Explosions. Rain pouring. Further explosions
BLOODNOK: Ohh! Oh! Oh! Oh, what must the neighbours think? I say Ellinga, what’s happened?
ELLINGTON: Youayag noogadha. Maya maggatoota della mammu. Argh-ghadda. AWWW-warr lahnghart. Oiyl doolam maggra-blimey oh.
BLOODNOK: Oh dear – you too, eh? Now, where’s my
FX: Cup and saucer rattling.
BLOODNOK: My chota hazri. 
FX: Hammer strokes on anvil.
BLOODNOK: (Effort) Huh! Huh! Aieough! Huh! (Calls) Ellinga! How long did you boil this egg?
FX: Knock on door.
BLOODNOK: How long did you boil that door?
SEAGOON: (Distant) Major, open this egg!
FX: Door opens.
GRAMS: Water sloshing in bathtub.
BLOODNOK: How dare you bring all that water into my house. Get out, water!
SEAGOON: It’s no use shouting at it. That water is deaf.
BLOODNOK: What a tragedy – deaf water! Explain sir, why are you floating through my bedroom on a piano?
SEAGOON: I was sleeping on it in the key of G, when suddenly the great dam burst!
BLOODNOK: You filthy swine. I shall see my solicitor in the morning.
SEAGOON: Cut it out please, and get on. The floods are rising at a rate of three and sixpence an hour!
BLOODNOK: Ohhh, are they? Well, I must first dive down to the basement and collect the tenant’s rent.
GRAMS: Body into water.
SEAGOON: While he’s gone, here’s a joke. It appears that there were two men, d’you see – a Scottish man and a Jewish man, and they were having lunch together. After the meal the bill was proffered and the Scotsman was heard to say he would pay for it. Next day a Jewish ventriloquist was found murdered. (Laughs) Ha ha ha ha! Oh. Of course, if I have offended the Scots by this story we can always tell the story so it ends up with the Scots ventriloquist being murdered, you see? Ahem. Or on the other hand, if I have offended both of them, then we substitute another race. (Uncomfortable) Well, to be on the safe side, I should have told the story with different races altogether. For instance, the Derby and the Ascot gold cup… (Goes off raving)
GRAMS: Body splashing in water.
BLOODNOK: (Effort) Ohh,
arh. Excuse me sir, they were all out. Never mind, I had to turn the gas off,
so it didn’t matter. Now, just fit this outboard motor onto the piano and….
GRAMS: Outboard motor speeds up and fades into the distance.
GREENSLADE: Meantime, from the comparative safety of a long disused factory chimney, a French scrag reviews his financial position.
MORIARTY: One empty tin.
FX: Tin can drops on hard surface
MORIARTY: One fishbone à le gun.
FX: Wooden object dropped on hard surface
MORIARTY: One aspic formidable.
FX: Table knife drops to floor.
MORIARTY: Piece of string.
FX: Spanner falls on
GRYTPYPE: So! You’ve been keeping these things from me, eh?
FX: Slap stick.
GRYTPYPE: Now, put all that stuff in my name at once!
MORIARTY: (Toothless) I’m sorry Grytpype.
GRYTPYPE: Well then.
MORIARTY: Sorry Grytpype. Can I have my teeth back by Christmas?
GRYTPYPE: Here is the pawn ticket.
MORIARTY: OIW! You pawned my teeth?! You swine of a swine!
MORIARTY: I challenge you to a duel. Name your weapon!
MORIARTY: I’ve lost!
GRYTPYPE: Don’t take it to heart, steam Count. I have a feeling that any moment now our star will wax. Get your ear to the ground and hear what your ear can hear.
GRAMS: Crowd of men talking. Bring in chickens
YOKEL: ‘Ere come the squire now, a-ha.
SEAGOON: I have called this meeting because of all this extraordinary weather.
YOKEL: I read in the paper that it’s Queen Anne’s reign.
BANNISTER: So, it’s Queen Anne’s rain we’re getting, is it? She’s responsible?
SEAGOON: This is a very serious allegation against Queen Anne. If this is Queen Anne’s rain, then we must ask her to stop it.
BLOODNOK: I’m a military man sir; it’s my duty as a senior scoundrel to ask her majesty, Queen Anne, to leave off raining.
JAMPTON: What are we going to do in the meantime? I mean…(Sudden burst of Tourette’s.) ARRRRGHHH.
SEAGOON: I don’t know how to stop rain folks. If there was anybody who could, they’d be worth their weight in gold.
GRAMS: Double whoosh.
MORIARTY: And we weigh twenty stone.
SEAGOON: Who are you? Explain those frayed collars.
GRYTPYPE: They are part of our entourage. We were resting in the Urals when we saw your plight.
SEAGOON: I must draw the blinds.
GRYTPYPE: This man clenching a do-it-yourself beetroot, is Count Jim Naboolas…
FX: Quick burst of castanets.
MORIARTY: Owww owww!
GRYTPYPE: …Moriarty; who will unleash a truth upon you.
MORIARTY: The sky over
OMNES & GRAMS: Crowd grumbling.
OTHER YOKEL: He’s taking out the back of ‘is ‘ead!
GRYTPYPE: Of course he is – that is where he keeps his words. It took him years to get it right, you know. The Count continues…
MORIARTY: Yes, I suggest….
GRAMS: Electronic jelly splosh.
GRYTPYPE: Who threw that steaming pudding at the Count?!
OTHER YOKEL: I did.
GRYTPYPE: There’s two of us, you know!
GRAMS: Second electronic jelly splosh.
GRYTPYPE: Awww! Thank you.
SEAGOON: Wait! You two men claim that the sky is leaking? What proof have you?
MORIARTY: Water proof!
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty, play him our qualifications.
FX: Trays of loose bit and pieces falling onto hard surface.
GRAMS: (Pre-recorded. Moriarty singing with piano accompaniment. Run the
whole thing slightly faster than normal.)
MORIARTY: (Sings) And there’s more where that came from.
I don’t mean maybe –
More where that came FROOOOMMMMM!
FX: Fist into punching bag.
GRAMS: Body into water. Splashing.
GRYTPYPE: There, recorded at sea.
SEAGOON: I’m sorry I ever doubted you.
GRYTPYPE: And now good villagers, this is our plan – we will sue the government for neglecting to keep in good repair the sky over Upper Dicker village.
OMNES: (Yokel agreement) Arrgh!
GRAMS: Burst of hurrahs. Wind it right up to
GRYTPYPE: We will of course need scientific privacies. Tell me, has this village got a laboratory?
SEAGOON: Could you spell that?
GRYTPYPE: And ruin the gag? Never sir. Come Moriarty!
GRAMS: “The Archer’s” theme at double speed. Every bar a different key.
FX: Whip crack.
GREENSLADE: That was a special arrangement of the
houses of parliament in the key of C.
HERN: And now folks, a big hern for the hairy Speaker, hern.
ORCHESTRA: Music Hall introduction. Bright and breezy version of “I want to be happy.”
OMNES: Massed shouting. “Down! Down!”
SPEAKER: (As old as God.) Thank you. Ahhh, silence. (Rubbish – extended.) Arghhh.
FX: body hits floor.
PRIME MINISTER: There he goes. Honourable members, a
serious situation has arisen.
OMNES: (Shouting and jeering.) I don’t believe it! Rubbish!
PRIME MINISTER: I’m glad you all came.
OPPOSITION MEMBER: (Upper class twit.) Ah, Mr Prime Minister – the most startling thing of all in Potskand’s married butlers been its from springtide. Whoever makes true bond of my eggs, the eggs profit and sound, should get paid most in train some our thought. Thank you. 
PRIME MINISTER: I’m coming to that sir. First the grave news. The
SPEAKER: (Incomprehensible.) Ahhh, ah-um, arrrrghhh. Oh.
PRIME MINISTER: You choose your words well, sir. The villagers have insurrected.
BACK BENCHER: (Distant) Swines!
CHURCHILL: So I have, this day, despatched a steam gunboat up the River Steam Dicker.
OMNES: (Shouts of agreement. Applause.) Hear! Hear!
GREENSLADE: And that is the end of “Today in Parliament”. Meantime, here’s a non sequitur entitled “Ray Ellington”.
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET - “Too Marvellous for Words”
GREENSLADE: Meantime, three men are trying to cross the River Dicker by iron bedstead.
GRAMS: River flowing. Hold under.
SEAGOON: Well, it hasn’t sunk yet!
BLOODNOK: It’s not in the river yet.
SEAGOON: I know. But if it doesn’t sink on land, that’s half the battle.
SEAGOON: What’s “Loo”?
BLOODNOK: Half a battle. Water-LOO! (Laughs) Ho ho ho!
ECCLES: We got a water loo in our garden.
BLOODNOK: Never mind – he can’t live forever, you know.
ECCLES: Oh no? You just wait and see, Bloodnok!
BLOODNOK: Oh, very well. I will! (Pause. Eccles does mouth noises.) Well, come on! I’m waiting.
ECCLES: All right. I’m living forever as fast as I can.
BLOODNOK: You’re a phoney, Mad Dan!
ECCLES: Get on with it. I’m getting tired, lying in bed. My mother said that it’s not good for young men to lie in bed.
SEAGOON: Get back in kip! You’re in training. Now all stand on the bed, and lift it quickly before we realise it can’t be done. HUP!
GRAMS: Large splash.
BLOODNOK: It’s floating – and it fits the river perfectly!
SEAGOON: It’s as I plinned, planned, plooned and plinged! Tonight we’ll be in the
ECCLES: ‘Ere, who’s the captain of this bed?
BLUEBOTTLE: I am – Sea Ranger ‘Bottle of the Royal Upper Dicker Navy. Stand clear of the bed for action.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh! My nut! You try that again!
BLUEBOTTLE: Ohh! I’ll give you one more chance. Just you do that again.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ahie! Don’t do that again.
ECCLES: Listen Mr Sealoon, if you hit ‘Bottle, you hit me!
ECCLES: Oh, he hit me! He hit me ‘Bottle!
BLUEBOTTLE: You hit him again!
BLUEBOTTLE: Eccles, you better get out of here before
you get killed!
GRAMS: Shell explodes.
SEAGOON: Major Bloodnok – what was that explosion aft?
BLOODNOK: Don’t ask lad. Don’t ask! Look, a naval sloop, and it’s firing shells addressed to us.
GREENSLADE: (Distant) Ahoy, HMS Fairycake!
GREENSLADE: [Lost sentence] … Anyone who does will be incarcerated!
BLOODNOK: You filthy swine!
SEAGOON: Very well, we’ll chain the river to its banks. (Laughs) Ah ha ha!
GRAMS: Whistle of shell approaching. Large explosion.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.
OMNES: (Yokel hubbub.)
SEAGOON: What is it?
DAFT YOKEL: There’s a strange monster, sir.
GRYTPYPE: Good villagers, this is a hot air Goldolphus balloon in which we will ascend to your sky, as soon as Squire Seagoon returns with the money.
SEAGOON: Stop! Bad news!
MORIARTY: Bad news? That sounds like bad news!
SEAGOON: The brass bedstead was sunk by naval gunfire and Eccles went down with his mattress! Worse still, he came up again.
MORIARTY: So, there’s no money! OWWWW!!
GRAMS: Huge explosion.
GRYTPYPE: He took that badly. Well gentlemen, no money – no repairs. But worst of all, (sobbing) no money.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic chords.
GRAMS: Rain pouring – continue under.
GREENSLADE: And still it rained. The waters rose and, because of his build, Mr Secombe was the first in danger of drowning.
CRUN: What are you doing at the window, Min?
BANNISTER: (Drowning) Bbbbubbbbubbbubbubb…
CRUN: Oh dear, this means we shall have to move up a floor again.
FX: Door opens.
GRAMS: Floodwaters surge.
SEAGOON: Good news! Queen Anne’s stopped reigning!
BLOODNOK: Thank heavens! I thought she’d never stop.
ECCLES: At last, a happy ending!
BLOODNOK: Not quite!
FX: Pistol shot.
ECCLES: (Winged) Ohhh!
BLOODNOK: That is a happy ending! Yes, well er… That’s about all there is really, I suppose. You’d better get out of here as quick as you can you know.
ORCHESTRA: “Old Comrades March”
ORCHESTRA: Playout. “Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead.”
 A mythical bird displaying ridiculous behaviour. Some versions of its legend state that it flies in ever decreasing circles until it manages to fly up its own backside. Although the earliest citation is in Victorian England in 1858, the creature became suddenly popular in the 60’s and 70’s being referred to in “The Navy Lark” (1975) and the film “Carry On Up the Jungle” (1970).
 Muckle is an Indian army slang term for friend or companion. It is a shortened form of the Hindu word “muckajeesh”.
 Published in 1926, and written by Henderson, DeSylva and Brown, this number is one of the great Blues standards.
 This was standard army slang for breakfast. “Chota” = small; “hazri” = attendance. The British Army in India appropriated words from the local Hindu/Urdu language for almost everything they used, particularly in regiments which had common or everyday interaction with the natives. Sellers pronounces it as “chota housey” which means that Milligan could well have remembered the word slightly differently.
 Rough transcription. Milligan was a brilliant improviser, but even he had to start with some sort of idea to perform rubbish like this. I cannot but help think that some of the words he intended to use were noted down in his script.
 Milligan waits for the audience to catch on and says “Apparently nobody else does.”