I
WAS MONTY’S TREBLE
GOON SHOW: TLO 68950
9TH
SERIES: No 2
RECORDED:
Script by Spike Milligan
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Home Service.
GRAMS: Pop of cork, bubbles, water pouring.
Continue under.
MILLIGAN: Oh. Oh dear, the cork's come out.
SELLERS: Stop it before the BBC flows away.
SECOMBE: Don't panic-ponic! There's still three gallons of
BBC left.
MILLIGAN: Thank a-heaven!
ORCHESTRA: Grand chord.
SECOMBE: (Laughs) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I
ask you folks, what other show provides such original openings? Ha, ha, ha – or,
if you disagree, such unoriginal openings. Ha ha ha. Ahem.
MILLIGAN: Okay, thank you Jim. You see...[2]
SEAGOON: (Keeping it going, you know – keeping it going. Well
done!)
MILLIGAN: (Thank you Jim. Yes, thank you – yes. We need it
folks, tonight is going to be tough.) You see… Ohh! (Nipped in the bud!) …we
cover ourselves both ...
SEAGOON: (Ha ha ha ha. Aha ha.)
MILLIGAN: (You've been looking.)
SEAGOON: (Hello, hello!)
MILLIGAN: Now then, you see folks, we cover ourselves both ways…
(this doesn't make much sense any more, but I'll carry on.) You see, we cover
ourselves both ways but the wind gets in at the side.
GRAMS: Brief burst of howling wind.
MILLIGAN: Ohh, naughty wind! Ohh, (I still carry on.) Now… (It’s
Sellers parts here.)
SEAGOON: (He changed the script this morning, folks.)
MILLIGAN: Now folks, a simple test of marital fidelity. Bend
down, clutch the ankles and say after me – no water. (Sings) OHHIEE!
ORCHESTRA: (Sings in
unison) OHHIEE!
MILLIGAN: TAAARR!
ORCHESTRA: (mimic) TAAARR!
MILLIGAN: THINGGGG-GE!
ORCHESTRA: (mimic) THINGGGG-GE!
ECCLES: Alablalalalalablalum!
(Silence.)
MILLIGAN: Oh, I knew they couldn't last the pace, folks!
SEAGOON: Good man, Milligoon. Here, here's a ticket to Eva
Bartok.[3]
MILLIGAN: Oh, he ha ha ho, owwee!
SEAGOON: Now forward, silly old Sellers. Try this Elstree
film-type military hat.[4]
SELLERS: Is this the hat of the book?
SEAGOON: The very one worn by John Mills and Richard
Attenborough when they were ice cold in the sea of sand with the man upstairs
in Alex. [5]
MILLIGAN: Oh Jim, we're going to do a fillum, Jim.
SELLERS: Yes! Lights, cameras, knees, teeth, corsets,
ac-tion!
ORCHESTRA: Music hall intro.
GRAMS: Crowd screaming, terrified shrieks.
SEAGOON: Hup!
GRAMS: Screams suddenly stop.
SEAGOON: Hello folks! Calling folks, folks, folks, calling
folks. We tell you the story of the best kept secret of the well-known World
War Two.
SELLERS: The story of the film of the book of the tram…
ORCHESTRA: Timpani – hold under.
MILLIGAN: 'I Was Monty's Treble.' Or...[6]
SEAGOON: 'I Was a Teenage Werewolf's Father'.[7]
MILLIGAN: Or…
SELLERS: 'I Was Sir Winston Churchill', or ...
GELDRAY: 'I Cooked for Royalty' by Maurice Winnick.
ORCHESTRA: War-movie musical link.
MILLIGAN: 1939.
SEAGOON: 1940.
SELLERS: 1941.
ECCLES: 49 B.C.
FX: Pistol shot
ECCLES: Oww!
SEAGOON: 1941.
CRUN: 1941. Any advance on '41?
SEAGOON: There was no advance in '41. The war was a veritable
stalemate.
WILLIUM: Was it, mate?
SEAGOON: Yes, mate. Here, swallow this statue of Eva Bartok.
WILLIUM: Oh, yum yum, mate! Oh.
SEAGOON: Yes indeed, 1941 – a fateful year for
ECCLES: Ohhh!
SEAGOON: Let me finish!
ECCLES: Oh, and ruin the gag?
SEAGOON: …had got wind of a new General.
GRAMS: Artillery barrage, chickens clucking.[8]
SELLERS: (over) Hear
that thrilling sound? British artillery shelling German chickens. Monty had
struck!
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic war-movie link. Falls to pieces at
the end.
GERMAN GENERAL 1:[9] (Clears
throat.) Ahem. Gerschpont heim der fueldiwscher spluker. The Englanders have
broken through at El Alamein. Zis could mean curtains for us. It could also
mean vindows and doors.
GERMAN GENERAL 2: Aye aye. Zis General Field Marshall Montgomery must
be captured, kiptured, tortured and in that order.
GERMAN GENERAL 3: Oh. You ... you ... have a plan?
GERMAN GENERAL 2: Ja. I have a plan of the plin
GERMAN GENERAL 3: But have you the ploons of the plins of the plons of
the plons?
GERMAN GENERAL 2: Curse! I forgot those
GERMAN GENERAL 3: Then get on with the ploons.
GERMAN GENERAL 2: Klin! Prrrin! Montgomery is always flying backwards
and forwards between
GENERAL SCHNERTZ:[10] (From the back
of the room.) They have planes that fly backwards?
GERMAN GENERAL 2: Private Schnertz, I have bad news.
GENERAL SCHNERTZ: Private? I'm a General.
GERMAN GENERAL 2: Zat is ze bad news.
GERMAN GENERAL 1: Zat is ze old joke.
GERMAN GENERAL 2: And we all saw it coming! (Laughs) Aha ha!
GRAMS: Water pouring out of bath.
GERMAN GENERAL 3: Dere, dere, dere, die liebe Herren! Don't cry so
much. We can't swim, you know. Ho ho
GERMAN GENERAL 2: But we are laying the eggs tonight.
GERMAN GENERAL 3: What? Without the red Lions on, too. [11]
GERMAN GENERAL 2: Gentlemen, this
is the plan of the plin-plon.
GERMAN GENERAL 3: Oh, you've got the plons of the plin of the ploon?
GERMAN GENERAL 2: Vrooden kaploon. Our fighter planes have been ordered
to shoot down all planes carrying General Montgomery played by John Mills and
Richard Attenborough
GERMAN GENERAL 3: Oh, supposing that one gets through played by
Anthony Steel?
GERMAN GENERAL 2: Anthony Steele is a Monty? [12]
GERMAN GENERAL 3: Ja.
GERMAN GENERAL 2: Some casting director had blundered, mein Herrs
HERR ECCLES: It wasn't me, mein hairies.
GERMAN GENERAL 2: (Clears
throat.) Ahem. Er, gentlemen, this
man wearing a leather wig, is
HERR ECCLES: Hello, fellas! Have a good war. Have a good war,
fellas. BANG!
GERMAN GENERAL 1: (Thoughtful.)
This... is our greatest fighter ace?
GERMAN GENERAL 2: Ja.
GERMAN GENERAL 1: (Grief
stricken) It's going to be a long, hard war.
ECCLES: (Aside) Little
do they know that I'm not Herr von Schlapper.
GREENSLADE: This then was the enigma.
ECCLES: Yeah..
GREENSLADE: Who was Eccles?
ECCLES: Who was Eccles?
GREENSLADE: The play continues.
ECCLES: The play continues.
GERMAN GENERAL 1: Ta.
ECCLES: Ta.
SECOMBE: Knock knock in German.
SELLERS: Come in, in Chinese.
SECOMBE: Ta in Siberian.
SELLERS: Mishprocha in Yiddish.[13]
SECOMBE: Yiddashern in Etruscan.
GREENSLADE: Such, then, was the lingual virtuosity of the enemy.
GERMAN GENERAL 2: Meinen Herren, before we go any further, look at
this.
FX: Rustling paper.
GERMAN GENERAL 1: Splatsen on der spensen geplukenhaus! Zis is a new anti-British drinking song.
GERMAN GENERAL 2: Quick, we must all face
ORCHESTRA: Music hall piano behind. Bring in drums and
saxes like a pit orchestra.
CAST: (singing in cod German.) Sieg
heil,
splonsun undersplun,
minger gropel splatfield,
underneath the Hatfield.
Boom, crash,
Croyden funf der schule,
splatsun win der Old Kent Road.
Cor blimey...[14]
GERMAN GENERAL 2: HALT! Krunser mit minger![15]
Zis song is a fake! Take its beard off.
GERMAN GENERAL 1: Ahh! You are right! Underneath, dis song is
clean-shaven.
ECCLES: Clean-shaven! What a perfect cue for
sixteen-year-old Max Geldray of Dig McMahon.
GELRAY: Oh, I'm getting the breaks, boys.
MAX
GELDRAY: “There Will
Never Be Another You” [16]
GRAMS: Applause. Massed screaming, huge gasps.
GREENSLADE: (over)
Heavens! Ritual cavorting by the masses before the opiate spell of Madge
Geldray!
SELLERS: I tell you, the harmonica is a sinful instrument.
Give me Cavan O'Connor, the King of Sing.[17]
SPRIGGS: The King of Sing? You mean the Kong of Song, Jim.
SEAGOON: No no no! He means the King Kong of Sing Song.
SPRIGGS: Oh no, Jim, he means the King of England song of the
ying tong long.
GREENSLADE: Gentlemen, prepare yourselves for part two. A
coward's air-raid shelter in
ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme.
GRAMS: Footsteps running, shells raining down,
exploding. Mix in donkey braying and bubbling stew underneath.
BLOODNOK: (over) Ohhh!
Ohhh ohh! No wonder I can't go to parties any more.
FX: Phone rings, receiver picked up.
BLOODNOK: Oh, yes?
MILLIGAN: (on phone) Bloodnok,
this is the insurance company. It's no good sir, we've got to increase the
premium on your underwear.
FX: Phone receiver hung up.
BLOODNOK: Oh dear. Switch that air-raid off, will you?
SEAGOON: Pity, that air-raid was in the top ten.
BLOODNOK: Oh. So you like music, do you? Well, well. Do you
happen to know Beethoven's Fifth motor car?
SEAGOON: How does it go?
BLOODNOK: (car
impression) Brrrrrrrrrrrrum, powww![18]
SEAGOON: (overcome)
It's... it's quite beautiful. Much better than Schubert's horse and cart.
BLOODNOK: Yes, yes. (Slight
pause) Didn't get much of a laugh, but never mind. Well now, British High
Command have decided to create a double for Monty's body
SEAGOON: And who will it be?
BLOODNOK: John Mills and Richard Attenborough.
SEAGOON: Why them?
BLOODNOK: IT’S ALWAYS JOHN MILLS AND RICHARD... !!!
BANNERJEE: Wait a minute, please. But supposing Monty's double
is killed, and run over by a German armoured tram. Tell me about that, man.
SEAGOON: Then we create a Monty's treble.
BLOODNOK: And what if the treble is struck down by a plague of
German knee zeppelins?
SEAGOON: Gentlemen, to solve the problem we must ask the
Statistician Royal exactly how many Monty's doubles we need, so over to them.
ORCHESTRA: Scientific link.
FX: Metal objects dropped onto hard
surface one by one.
CRUN: (over) Oh dear, dear. I think
this bed's had it, Min.
BANNISTER: Ah. You're right. Henry, it's going home.
CRUN: Doesn't it live here anymore then, Min?
GRAMS: Ancient grandfather clock springs winding up
and striking one. Add reverb and vary the speed.
CRUN: Was that you, Min?
BANNISTER: No! It was the bed striking one.
CRUN: Oh.
BANNISTER: Aww. (Smacking
of lips) Oh dear, dear, dear.
CRUN: Oh.
BANNISTER: Goodnight, Henry.
CRUN: Goodnight, Min.
BANNISTER: There's somebody laughing outside the bedroom door.
CRUN: It's that lodger – we must get rid of him, Min.
BANNISTER: Did you take your male hormone pills?
CRUN: Yes, Min. They give me the strength to go to sleep, Min.
BANNISTER: Yes, I know.
FX: Rapid knocking on door.
BANNISTER: Ohh! Come in!
FX: Door opens.
BANNISTER: Come in.
FX: Coconut shells galloping. Sudden
clink of cutlery.
SEAGOON: (Approaching) Over, forwards, sideways and upwards!
FX: Coconut shells stop.
CRUN: How dare you ride a naked horse into our bedchamber!
SEAGOON: Don't worry. This horse is a nudist.
BANNISTER: I don't care. Get some clothes on him.
SEAGOON: Never! I refuse to ride a clothes-horse! Hup!...
OMNES: (Applause and
cheering.)
SEAGOON: (Stick it out folks, it won't be long now.)
BANNISTER: (The good ones are ahead.)
SEAGOON: Now Mr. Crun, have you got the statistics?
CRUN: Very badly, sir.
SEAGOON: Let me see.
CRUN: Ohh!
BANNISTER: Don't look, Henry! Don't look!
SEAGOON: Gad, so! We need forty thousand Monty's doubles, eh?
We'll have to form regiments. We'll start with Ray Ellington, who always
precedes the brandy. Good luck, lad, good luck!
RAY
ELLINGTON – “Sunday” [19]
GRAMS: Dairy cows.
SELLERS: He's drawing a very strange audience these days.
GREENSLADE: Ta. Part four, the Germans become suspicious.
ORCHESTRA: German High Command link.
GERMAN GENERAL 3: Gentlemen, this is part four, and we have just
become suspicious.
GERMAN GENERAL 2: I have just opened zis three-ounce tin of suspicion.
GERMAN GENERAL 1: (smacking of
lips) Mmm, it tastes very suspicious.
GERMAN GENERAL 2: Mm. Then our suspicions are vell founded. Last night
General Montgomery was seen talking to a voluptuous woman in za
ECCLES: (Lecherous)
Who were those women? Aha ha ha.
FX: Multiple slapsticks.
ECCLES: (over) Oww
oww. Oww oww. Oww. Who do you think you're hitting?
SECOMBE: You.
ECCLES: You? You’re right the first time. (Aside) Little do they know they weren't
hitting me, folks. They weren't hitting me.
GREENSLADE: This was the enigma. Who was Eccles?
GERMAN GENERAL 2: Ja, now listen – it is obvious that the enemy are
using doubles. To find the original we must get the plans of an original
General Fred Montgomery.
ORCHESTRA: Trombone flare link.
CHISHOLM: (sings) “I'm
in love with an old trombone…”
ORCHESTRA: Trombone flare peters out. Finish on tatty
chord. [20]
FLOWERDEW: Yes, it's very good, but entirely out of place, dear.
Very good.
SEAGOON: But now to assume my part as an MI5 officer in MI5.
SPRIGGS: Yes Jim, secrecy is essential. Essen-tiaaal! We know
that the Germans are sponsing on the splon ...
FX: Door knocker taps once, then
twice, twice, once, once, twice.
SEAGOON: Three, two, one, and then two knocks? I wonder what
it means.
BLUEBOTTLE: It means I want to come in, you twit. Ay. Message
for you. I will read it. (Reads) From
Mrs. Gladys Wrenge, 45 Sebastopol Terrace,
SEAGOON: Right. Next joke, please. Now, what's in that
teapot?
BLUEBOTTLE: A man.
FX: clink of teapot lid
BLUEBOTTLE: He says he wants to see you.
FX: Teapot lid rattled, then taken
off.
SEAGOON: Come on out.
MORIARTY: Owww. Just a minute, I'm just paying off the taxi.
WILLIUM: Four and six, sir.
MORIARTY: Thank you. Good luck. Ah. Hello, Neddie.
SEAGOON: Now sir, will you explain why you were hiding in a
teapot?
MORIARTY: I don't like coffee.
SEAGOON: Let's try the second version of that gag, eh?
MORIARTY: We'd better.
SEAGOON: Now sir, will you explain why you were hiding in
that teapot?
MORIARTY: I had a date with a tea-bag!
ORCHESTRA: Tatty chord in C.
SEAGOON: Two! Two for the price of one, folks, and guaranteed
free from governments.
GRYTPYPE: Ned, let me explain this tangled pastiche. This
cream-coloured wreck is none other than General de Gaulle-Stones ...[22]
MORIARTY: Owwww!
GRYTPYPE: ...Moriarty, leader of the Free French Women.
SEAGOON: Any free samples?
GRYTPYPE: Down, boy, down! We are secret agents working undercover
because of rain.
SEAGOON: Have you any means of identification?
GRYTPYPE: Yes. I have two small warts on my belly.
SEAGOON: I'm afraid I must ask to see them.
FX: Paper unfolding.
GRYTPYPE: There's no need to. Here is a full-scale drawing of
them, showing Bushy Park and other environs, plus the dual carriageway leading
south to my knees.
SEAGOON: Yes. Yes, these warts appear to be in order. Now
then...
BLUEBOTTLE: (Off-mic, disgruntled)
I shouldn't have come. I get nothing,
cutting my parts down. I could have stayed at home. I don't want to come ‘ere
to this rotten show.
SEAGOON: So gentlemen, I want to explain what we're trying to
do.
BLUEBOTTLE: I do not want to come 'ere at all.
SEAGOON: Now in the first…
BLUEBOTTLE: Said I going to have a lot of say this week.
SEAGOON: As I was saying gentlemen…
BLUEBOTTLE: My mum was always groaning, I never had nothing to
say.
SEAGOON: (Furious) IF
YOU’VE GOT A GRUDGE, OUT WITH IT MAN!
BLUEBOTTLE: Alright, I have! I got nothing to say. You get all
de actin' parts. I don't know why. I’ve seen that rotten show of yours at the
Palladium. No wonder Val Parnell's resigned, I tell you. [23]
SEAGOON: YOU ...!
FX: Multiple slapsticks.
OMNES: (Shouts and cheers.)
BLUEBOTTLE: Eeoohhh! You twits! Look! You’ve torn the legs off
my shirts.
SEAGOON: Legs?
BLUEBOTTLE: Well, my shirts are made from mum's old drawers.
SEAGOON: Sssh, fool! On the BBC the word 'drawers' is
verboten.[24]
BLUEBOTTLE: Alright den, my shirts are made from mum's old
verboten.
FX: Slapstick.
BLUEBOTTLE: (In pain) OHHH!
Oh my crits!
MORIARTY: And now, Neddie, have you got the plans of the
original
SEAGOON: I'm sorry, they're at the secret military laundry.
GRYTPYPE: Oh. Then have you any idea of his future movements?
SEAGOON: Yes, we have. We have a marble statue of them, but
you need written permission to see it.
FX: Scribbling on slate
MORIARTY: Ah! There. There's a chit.
SEAGOON: Wait. This ink is still wet.
MORIARTY: Yes, er… er... um, it's been raining. Ha ha, ha.
SEAGOON: Ha ha ha. I see. (Reading) 'Please allow one Moriarty to see statue of
GRYTPYPE: Mine is. It's been bad for years, Neddie.
SEAGOON: Oh. Gentlemen, I'm not satisfied with the standard
of your jokes. They have a Teutonic ring. R-I-N-G, pronounced ...
GRAMS: Big Ben chimes once.
GRYTPYPE: Ah, Neddie, remember our blue German blood.
SEAGOON: (aside) As
they spoke, I noticed that both their Birmingham Iron Crosses had been made in
GRYTPYPE: Yes. Hands up, Neddie! Up down, up down, up down,
up! When we take prisoners, we like them fit, Neddie.
SEAGOON: So, you're German secret agents played by Lew and
Leslie Grade!
GRYTPYPE: Call it mis-casting if you wish. Moriarty, destroy
that statue of Monty's future movements. The war is ours!
GRAMS: Explosion.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic Wehrmacht musical link.
SEAGOON: Ha ha ha ha. Don't be disheartened, listeners. That statue of
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, you are, you're a lot o' twits. That's what you
are. Look at my verbotens – all torn. I can't go out with birds like this, can
I?
GREENSLADE: Ahem… That night, one thousand guns of the Eighth
Army thundered out their challenge.
BLUEBOTTLE: Bang! Hee hee hee!
GREENSLADE: Ahem. All night the battle raged. The Germans counter-attacked
singing rude songs and making certain unsavoury gestures….
GERMAN GENERAL 2: (sings over – “Inky Pinky Parlez Vous”)
There was an old lady of D. D...
GREENSLADE: Please! Please! (Thank you.) At
BLUEBOTTLE: (Reading
along with Greenslade) At
Montgomery's double's HQ...
GREENSLADE: (Bluebottle shadows his lines) His
ever-ready staff slept at the Alert.
OMNES: (Regiment snoring.)
GRAMS: Rooster crows.
OMNES: (Pause. Smacking
of lips, snoring resumes.)
GRAMS: Rooster crows.
OMNES: (Further pause.
Snoring resumes.)
GRAMS: Rooster crows. Single pistol shot. Wind up speed of rooster crow to
infinity.
BLOODNOK: (Over) Got
him! I bet that's done him a power of good.
FX: Urgent knocking on door of
air-raid shelter.
BLOODNOK: (panic)
It's a lie! Miss Bartok and I are just good friends, I tell you. That's all we
can be.
SEAGOON: It's enough, isn't it?
BLOODNOK: What?
SEAGOON: Open up! Open up this four-ounce tin of Bloodnok!
BLOODNOK: Here's a tin-opener. Open it yourself.
FX: Single tap on musical saw for
spring effect
SEAGOON: Thank you. Now, hurry! The battle started an hour
ago.
BLOODNOK: Blast! We shall miss the first part. (Self-fade) I shall have to hurry.
SEAGOON: Never mind! There's a matinee on Thursday.
GRAMS: Coconut shells galloping, bring in bicycle
wheel on dirt path and bicycle bell over – approaching.
ECCLES: (over) Oha,
oha, oha!.
SEAGOON: (over
galloping) It's a man galloping on a bicycle.
ECCLES: (over
galloping) Whoah!
GRAMS: Galloping stops.
ECCLES: Out of my way, men! I'm on an urgent secret mission.
SEAGOON: What?
ECCLES: I'm deserting! Ahoa hoa! (Aside) It's not me deserting, folks, it's two of the Mills and
Attenborough.
SELLERS: Who then was Eccles?
ECCLES: Who am I?
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic chord. Hold under. Continue with
snare drum softly playing retreat.
GREENSLADE: (over) By
dawn the Germans had been routed. Victory was ours, and the English army went
mad with joy.
GRAMS: Palm court trio.
FX: Teacups rattling.
SEAGOON: (over)
They say it's been in all the papers, you know.
SELLERS : We had
awfully nice weather for it.
SEAGOON: Yes. Another fairy cake? There's more there.
SELLERS: Just love one.
FX: Door opens.
GRAMS: Music stops.
BLOODNOK: Stop this orgy, do you hear! I bring bad news, and
the payoff. [25]
That Battle of El Alamein we won was a fake. It was
ECCLES: So dat's who I was. (Sings) Ohhhhowwohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
GREENSLADE: And, on that note we end this week's show. I believe
there's quite a good bus service from here, so goodnight.
GRAMS: Flock of sheep bleating.
GREENSLADE: Among the sheep in this recorded Goon Show were
Wally Stott and his Orchestra, Max Geldray, The Ray Ellington Quartet, Harry
Secombe, Peter Sellers and Spike Milligan, who writes it. Those who were
fleeced were Wallace Greenslade, Announcer, and Producer John Browell, who often
wishes he could ...
ORCHESTRA: 'Old Comrades' playout.
YTI
