GOON SHOW: TLO 76177
9TH SERIES: No 13
RECORDED:
Script
by Spike Milligan
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Light Programme. From the
book "I knew Terence Nuke" by Eileen Beardsmore Lewisham, tiddely doo
spot, we present the play "I knew Terence Nuke" from the book by
Eileen Beardsmore Lewisham.
ORCHESTRA: Introduction.
GRAMS: Distant fog horns.
BANNISTER: (Distant) Ooooh! Ohohoho!
SELLERS: It can be cold in
FX: Footsteps under.
SEAGOON: (Coughing) It's me folks, Neddie Seagoon. Ah, here it is, Christmas
Eve and still no offers of pantomime. And not a penny have I towards a plate of
vitals for my poor half starved eighteen stone body. So I’ll lay my poor old
twenty stone head down on this eight-stone embankment bench. Aaah! This is nice
and soft.
ECCLES: That's 'cause you're lying
on me.
SECOMBE: Hello, hello.
ECCLES: Oh, hello, hello!
SEAGOON: Hello 'ello 'ello.
ECCLES: I wouldn't mind but I've got
friends to tea. They're travelling south.
WILLIUM: Hey. You two men, what you doing
there? Move along now. That bench is for royalty of no fixed abode.
SEAGOON: Constable, have pity, ‘tis
Christmas, the time of good will.
POLICEMAN: Cor struth, so it is.
Well, a Merry Christmas on you, mate .
SEAGOON: And the same to you!
POLICEMAN: Now move along there, before I belt you!
MORIARTY: (Approaching) One moment law guardian. A tit tot tang!
WILLIUM: Oh.
SEAGOON: The voice came from a man
with a military bearing which he tossed in the air and caught. He emerged from
the darkness and walked into the light.
FX: Wooden spoon on large frying pan.
MORIARTY: Ahehehe. Now policeman,
how would you like to join the river police?
WILLIUM: Oh, I'd like that, sir
MORIARTY: (Effort) Hup.
WILLIUM: (Falling) Argh!
GRAMS: Body into water.
WILLIUM: (Distant) Thank you sir.
MORIARTY: And a Merry Christmas to
you.
SEAGOON: The stranger now turned his
glance on me. He observed my shredded paper suit, my thrice turned overcoat and
my toes sticking out of the end of my feet.
MORIARTY: Down on your luck?
SEAGOON: Why are you interested in
me?
MORIARTY: I run a rag and bone shop.
SEAGOON: Looking for a manager?
MORIARTY: No I'm looking for stock.
However, I have a friend of mine, a bank manager in the Bank of Twickenham. The
honourable Thynne, Grytpype-Thynne. How are you at mathematics?
SEAGOON: I speak it fluently.
MORIARTY: Touché.
SEAGOON: Threeché.
MORIARTY: Very well. Take this tray
and present yourself to him tomorrow.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.
GREENSLADE: Seagoon's wife was
overjoyed at Ned's luck. He started work as a bank clerk with every prospect of
becoming one.
SEAGOON: My wages were eight
shillings a week with an allowance of three shillings for each child.
GRYTPYPE: This brought his money up
to eighty pounds a week.[2]
SEAGOON: That was the manager, Mr.
Thynne, well known in concentric circles.
GRYTPYPE: Mister Seagoon, how long
have you been with us?
SEAGOON: Twenty minutes.
GRYTPYPE: What a splendid record of
devotion and honesty. Neddie – (and this is where the story really starts),
Neddie, I am putting you in a position of thrust. You're going to be in charge
of the gold vault, here is the key.
SEAGOON: (Increasingly maniacal) Gold. GOLD! Ha ha ha ha ha! Gold. Ha ha ha.
The lovely gold. I'll be rich! Ha ha ha! (Into
distant) No more rags for me. Gold! Ha ha ha ha! Gold!
GRYTPYPE: I wonder if he's the right
man for the job.
SEAGOON: (Close) I decided to pinch the gold. Immediately I backed a large
horse-drawn motor van up to the front entrance of the bank.
WILLIUM: (Approaching) 'Ere, you can't park that there, sir.
MORIARTY: Arghh! Constable, how
would you like to join the river police?
WILLIUM: I'd like that very much,
sir.
MORIARTY: (Effort) Hup.
WILLIUM: (Falling) Aargh!
GRAMS: Body into water.
WILLIUM: (Distant) Thank you very much sir.
MORIARTY: And a Merry Christmas! Now
carry on Neddie.
GRYTPYPE: Yes, it's a lovely day for
carrying on Neddie.
SEAGOON: Right. Next I carefully
disguised myself as a Zulu warrior of the Matabele rising.[3]
So cunning was my make-up not even my own grandmother would have recognised me.
THROAT: Hello Neddie.
SEAGOON: Hello granny. In this
inconspicuous disguise I took the gold from the vaults, and loaded it onto the
van. For three hours I toiled back and forth.
GRYTPYPE: Oh, Neddie,
SEAGOON: (Curses, I'm spotted.)
GRYTPYPE: Why are you wearing that
leopard's skin?
SEAGOON: So that's why I'm spotted.
GRYTPYPE: Tell me, where are you
taking that gold?
SEAGOON: (Close) I had to think of a good excuse.
GRYTPYPE: You're stealing it, aren't
you, Neddie?
SEAGOON: Blast! Why didn't I think
of that?
GRYTPYPE: We will have to give you a
week's notice.
SEAGOON: (Innocent) Why? What have I done?
GRYTPYPE: Nothing, but we're having
to cut down on staff. You see, there's been a robbery. Erm, will you get that
van started, while I get my hat and coat.
SEAGOON: You're coming too?
GRYTPYPE: There's no point in
staying. There's more money in the van than there is in the bank.
SEAGOON: Very well, we'll be
partners.
GRYTPYPE: Shake.
SEAGOON: I give you my hand.
GRYTPYPE: I gave him my foot. It was
a fair swap.
SEAGOON: Ying tong iddle i po!
GRYTPYPE: Good. And for no reason,
Max "Conks'" Geldray.
SEAGOON: Huzzah!
MAX GELDRAY: "It's Only a Paper
Moon." [4]
GREENSLADE: Dishonoured part two – (and
this is where the story really starts.) With their new found wealth, Ned
painted the town red. Then the first blow fell.
FX: Door opening.
GRYTPYPE: Neddie, bad news. The bank
you stole the gold from told the police.
SEAGOON: What a rotten trick! Is
nothing sacred?
GRYTPYPE: Give yourself up, Neddie.
SEAGOON: Give myself up? No, I can't
break myself of that habit. What about the gold?
GRYTPYPE: Leave that with Moriarty,
and when you come out in eighty-nine years, we will be waiting for you. Won't
we Moriarty?
MORIARTY: (Raves) Huahuahuahuahuahuahuaiuah!
SEAGOON: No, no, no. I… I couldn't
keep you waiting all that time, I mean...
GRYTPYPE: Then you'll have to go
abroad, won't he, Moriarty.
MORIARTY: (Raves) Huahuahuahuahuahuahuaiuah!
SEAGOON: Abroad?
GRYTPYPE: Of course.
SEAGOON: But my wife. I can't leave
her with thirty-eight children.
GRYTPYPE: Isn't that enough?
SEAGOON: Yes, I suppose a rest would
do her good, yes.
GRYTPYPE: Yes. And it would do you
good too, you naughty boy.
GRYTPYPE & MORIARTY: (Laughter)
MORIARTY: As they say in Paris –
heough heui hea heoh heough!
SEAGOON: How will I get the gold out
of the country?
GRYTPYPE: Ah, well. You box clever
there.[5]
You leave the gold with us, and when you return, we will be waiting.
SEAGOON: I'll flee the country! We
sail at dawn – tonight!
ORCHESTRA: Nautical link.
CAST: (Distant cries from the rigging)
SEAGOON: Within a week we were on
board a private yacht, sailing west nor' east south. I stood on the pilchard
with the spanker blowing through my hair and the salty bloaters spinning before
the goblets. Ha, ha. It's a man's life I tell ye. Ha, ha! (Going) A man's life I tell ye.
GRAMS: Jelly splosh.
GRYTPYPE: I'm so sorry, Ned. Never
throw it to the wind.
SEAGOON: Ah, hello Captain Thynne.
What's our position?
GRYTPYPE: Desperate. I mean, I'll
inquire. (Calls aloft) Navigator, can
you arrestitute our position in the Med? [6]
ECCLES: (Nonsense) Ahhhkhallallarghkallhayum.
GRYTPYPE: (Calls) What's that object off the port beam?
ECCLES: Yeah. What IS that object
off the port beam?
SEAGOON: Good heavens! It's the
Albert Hall.
ECCLES: Oooh, you've been to sea
before.
GRYTPYPE: But what is the Albert
Hall doing off
SEAGOON: More to the point, what is
this ship doing in
ECCLES: Well, the sea is calmer
here.
GRYTPYPE: You idiot. We're four
thousand miles off course.
ECCLES: (Idiot sounds) Well, nobody's perfect.
GRYTPYPE: Shut up, Eccles!
ECCLES: Shut up, Eccles!
WILLIUM: I'm sorry, you can't park
this yacht here.
MORIARTY: Constable, how would you
like to join the Kensington Round Pond police?
WILLIUM: There ain't no such force.
MORIARTY: Huppa!
GRAMS: Body into water.
MORIARTY: You're the first.
WILLIUM: (Distant) Thank you sir.
MORIARTY: Good on you!
ORCHESTRA: Ocean going link.
CAST: (Various. Seamen’s cries.)
GREENSLADE: Dishonoured part three.
In the
GRYTPYPE: Neddie, when you came
aboard, I believe you deposited all the gold in the care of Moriarty.
SEAGOON: Yes. Why? Isn't it safe
with him?
GRYTPYPE: It's perfectly safe, where
ever he and his rowing boat are.
SEAGOON: The gold I stole, stolen?
The thief. Which way did he go?
GRYTPYPE: I pointed a finger.
SEAGOON: Aaaargh!
GRAMS: Footsteps running away. Pause.
Body into water.
MORIARTY: Has he gone?
GRYTPYPE: Yes. Now let's go down and
divide the gold, Moriarty.
MORIARTY: You’re a friend. You’re a
good friend to me!
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link. Stops
suddenly. George Chisholm sings:
“I’m
in love with an old trombone…”
GRAMS: Huge jelly splosh.
CHISHOLM: OOOH! [7]
ORCHESTRA: Further dramatic link.
Interrupted by out of tune trumpet and trombone solos. End with tatty chord in
C.
GRAMS: Ocean sounds. Gulls. Waves.
SEAGOON: Meantime I floundered alone in the
WILLIUM: I must ask you to move
along, sir.
SEAGOON: Oh, it's you constable, I
thought you were in the river police.
WILLIUM: That is right sir, yern.
SEAGOON: Then, what are you doing in
the ocean?
WILLIUM: I've been promoted sir.
SEAGOON: Congratulations. Could you
direct me to
WILLIUM: Just follow the tram lines.
SEAGOON: Thank you. And so saying I
struck out for the shore.
GREENSLADE: Ten miles he swam. The
last three were agony.
SEAGOON: They were over land.
Finally I fell in a heap on the ground. I had no idea who left it there.
BLOODNOK: (Distant) Oh ho.
SEAGOON: Then I heard the approach
of a high powered horseless carriage, with a long dongler attachment and a
brown card with the word "Fertang" on it in Greek.
GRAMS: Old fashioned motorcar, frequent backfiring, klaxon, overheated engine,
steam exhaust, occasional explosion. Fade and continue under.
BANNISTER: (Above) Oooh, oooh dear! Ooh! Ooooh.
CRUN: Hold tight, Min.
BANNISTER: Holding so tight, Min.
CRUN: Hold tight Min. We're doing
three miles an hour Min.
BANNISTER: We'll be murdered in our
beds. Oh dear.
CRUN: Put the brake on, Min.
BANNISTER: It doesn't suit me Henry.
Where is it, Hen?
CRUN: It's in a brown paper parcel
under my seat, Min.
BANNISTER: Oooh dear. Stand up then.
Ooooh!
CRUN: I can't stand up, motoring Min.
I'll lose my leather controls.
GRAMS: Engine overheating. Repeated klaxons,
followed by a long drawn out blast. Start high then slowly wind the speed right
down. Electronic pop. Followed by a key dropped onto concrete.
CRUN: Oh dear, Min. The wick in the
engine's gone out.
SEAGOON: (Coming too.) Awwh. Awwh-ooohoh.
CRUN & BANNISTER: (Various.)
Fishh tooo!
BANNISTER: What’s that down there? Oh,
it's a young man. What are you doing under the car, young man? [8]
SEAGOON: I'm not doing anything
under your car.
BANNISTER: Thank heaven for that.
CRUN: Sir, I'm Henry
"Motoring" Crun. We are anxious to know if you need succour.
SEAGOON: Yes, just what I need, a
glass of succour.
CRUN: (pause) Why don't you answer us, sir?
BANNISTER: Hit him on the conk. Hit
him!
CRUN: What?
BANNISTER: Hit him with a pling and
a pfffh...
SEAGOON: Are you both deaf? I told
you I'm weak from exhaustion. Of course, that's why they can't hear me, I'm
unconscious.
BANNISTER: Henry, you hear what he
said, he's unconscious.
CRUN: Help me lift him up Min. I'll
take his head, and you go round the other side of his head.
FX: Heavy footsteps..
CRUN: Have you got to the certain
side?
BANNISTER: (Distant) Yes. Lift, Henry.
CRUN: (Effort) Ough.[9]
GREENSLADE: Now here is “Dishonoured”
part four. Tied to the back of Crun's car, Seagoon was towed back to Poona, but
the rope broken left and him stranded in the Indian quarter of
ORCHESTRA: Exotic link.
SEAGOON: Yes, in the street of a
thousand households there is a place where a man can drink and forget his
sorrows.
FX: Knock on door. Door opens.
BANERJEE: What does the dirt encrusted
Sahib desire? All the sensuous drinks of the Orient are yours. The paan bidi,[10]
the scented Vishnu wine, the toddy juice, the aromatic kravani. Which do you
desire, oh erotic one?
SECOMBE: (Gauche British) Pot of tea, please.
LALKAKA: (Distant) Ladies and European type gentlemen. Taking your modern
European type partners are the English style cabaret.
RAY ELLINGTON: “From This Moment On” [11]
LALKAKA: Alright, everyone back to
their own beds please. And now for the second part of the cabaret, the
mysterious Bara Bidi (as an extra forepiece) oriental queen will do the dance
of the seven army surplus blankets. [12]
ORCHESTRA: Cor Anglais plays Oriental theme.
Continue under.
SEAGOON: Into the middle of the
floor sprang a creature who sent my pulses racing. One by on the blankets fell
to the floor, the lights went down; as the last blanket fell from the
passionate creature, I moved to her side in the dark. (Panting with lust.) Oh, desirable creature, what prompts you to
dance in this den of vice?
ECCLES: I got to make a living too
you know.
SEAGOON: Eccles, you're not a woman!
ECCLES: I know that. But don't tell
the manager.
SEAGOON: Why not?
ECCLES: We're engaged! (It's gonna
be hell, folks!)
SEAGOON: How did you get here?
ECCLES: Oh, that fellow Moriarty and
Grytpype-Thynne, they threw me into the sea.
SEAGOON: So there is some good in
them after all!
ECCLES: (Raves) Hnykkulmklmklmklmukhullakam.
MANAGER:[13]
(Approaching) Where are you darling,
where are you?
ECCLES: Ha hum. Here he comes, look
out. Ha hum! Keep him away. The question is what are we gonna do now?
SEAGOON: I'm going to clear my name
and gain back my self-respect. (Thinks)
I'll… I’ll join the navy!
ORCHESTRA: Bright, up-tempo nautical link. Include
all the famous sea shanties and songs. Start with “Rule Britannia”, “Hornpipe”,
“A Life on the Ocean Wave”, “What Shall
We Do with the Drunken Sailor?”, “All the Nice Girls Love a Sailor”. Big finish
with the final phrase of “Rule Britannia”.
SEAGOON: No. I'll join the Army.
It's too damn noisy in the Navy. Come Eccles!
ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok Theme.
GRAMS: Huge explosion. Mix in sound of
chickens.
BLOODNOK: (Over) Ooooh! Ohho, oh, oh! No more curried eggs for me. So, you
two naughty men want to join the Bombay Irish, do you?
SEAGOON: Aye, aye, jock mon.
ECCLES: Aye, aye, buddy.
BLOODNOK: Well it's a tough life
I'll tell you. Do you know what it's like to be in the thick of a bloody
battle, with bullets flying and sabres clashing?
SEAGOON: No.
BLOODNOK: Pity. I was hoping you
could tell me what it was like. You see I'm writing a book entitled
"Bloodnok V.C." However, let us take the regimental oath. Are we
ready?. Open your wallets and say after me: "Help yourself."
SEAGOON & ECCLES: Help yourself.
BLOODNOK: Thank you. Next, do you
swear to be brave soldiers?"
SEAGOON & ECCLES: Yes.
BLOODNOK: Never turn a back on the
enemy?
SEAGOON & ECCLES: Never.
BLOODNOK: Always speak well of a
lady?
SEAGOON & ECCLES: Always.
BLOODNOK: And respect the chastity
of a woman?
SEAGOON & ECCLES: Yes.
BLOODNOK: Have we got nothing in
common?! Still, we are in need of a couple of ripe steamers. You see, the Red
Bladder is raising the Pathan tribes. He's got fresh consignments of automatic
swords and a touch of the
SEAGOON: Where does he get the finance?
BLOODNOK: Two international crooks
smuggled him a shipload of gold saxophones.
SEAGOON: Grytpype and Moriarty! So
that's the game! Sir, I have score to settle. Let me go to the frontier.
BLOODNOK: Right. Sign this.
FX: Scratchy quill underneath.
SEAGOON: (Writing) Neddie Seagoon. There. Am I a soldier now?
BLOODNOK: I have no idea. I only
collect autographs you know. Seagoon, arm the men to the teeth.
SEAGOON: Impossible
BLOODNOK: No arms?
SEAGOON: No teeth.
BLOODNOK: Then we can't fight.
SEAGOON: Sir, I want a chance to
prove that I'm a man.
BLOODNOK: Report to the M.O.[15]
SEAGOON: I'll fight the mad mullah,
clear my name and recover the gold and capture Moriarty and Grytpype into the
bargain. Who will ride with me?
BLUEBOTTLE: Ensign Bluebottle will!
Thank you. Thank you. See, my sword is in my hand.
FX: Lump of metal onto anvil..
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, the end's fallen
off.
SEAGOON: Little jug head bugler,
blow the alarm!
BLUEBOTTLE: That is what I say –
blow the alarm! (Deflated) Oh, let's
play another game please.
SEAGOON: This is no game little
drooping seat. Get mounted lad!
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, my captain. I'm
mounteded and ready for the ride. I say – wait a minute. What's this in the
saddle bag?
SEAGOON: That's dynamite, lad.
BLUEBOTTLE: Here, you're not
starting that lot again, are you?
SEAGOON: We'll soon know the valid
truth. To horse!
ECCLES: Can I come too?
BLUEBOTTLE: It's about time you came
to. Hahahaha! I made a little jokule.
ECCLES: (I’ll get ‘im.) Here, guess
what I gettin' for my birthday?
BLUEBOTTLE: Cor. What are you
gettin', Eccles?
ECCLES: I'm gettin' a mao-wow.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh! I'm not getting a mao-mao.
I'm gettin' a junior smokers kit, complete with toffee ash tray and liquorice
dog-ends.
ECCLES: I like liquorice. My mother
says that liquorice gives you a good run for your money.
SEAGOON: (Command) To the Khyber Pass! Forward![16]
GRAMS: Horses galloping on stony ground.
Bugles over. Hold under.
SEAGOON: All that night I rode, and
through the best part of the next day.
BLUEBOTTLE: You left the worst part
to us. I joked my knee.
FX: Smart slapstick.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ahow! My prules are
fumed!
SEAGOON: (Command) HAAAALT!
GRAMS: Horses hooves stop.
SEAGOON: And this is where the story
really starts.
BLUEBOTTLE: Look my captain, look.
Points cardboard finger at thousands of savage naughty men with Indian type
bare bumpy old chests.
SEAGOON: The Red Bladder and his
fifty thousand balloons.
ECCLES: Ohow.
SEAGOON: Gad, we're outnumbered
twenty to one.
ECCLES: Twenty to one? Time for
lunch!
SEAGOON: We've only one chance.
Bluebottle, ride to the crest of that crag and signal Major Bloodnok.
BLUEBOTTLE: What is the menssage?
SEAGOON: Tell him to keep two late
dinners.
BLUEBOTTLE: I will do it, I will.
Ride, Vaquero! Ride![17]
(Sudden cowardice) Heeheehee. Here,
wait a minute. Captain, in between me and that crag is a dirty big wide chasm,
with a forty thousand foot drop to the raging torrent below.
SEAGOON: Fear not little shivering
nut. That Arab stallion will bound that chasm like… like a wingéd arrow
BLUEBOTTLE: (Enthusiastic) Yes it will! Giddup dobbin!
GRAMS: Horse galloping away. Wind the
speed up gradually. Sudden silence. Enormous splash.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ahi eehee! You rotten
swine horse you! You did not jump that chasm thing and I been hurled into the
dreaded canyon. Splat, thud, zowie, blun, thud and several other rocketing nut
terms.
MORIARTY: Welcome to the Indian
River Police, little boy of mine.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, you're the forces of
evil, Morinarty man.
MORIARTY: Hahahahaha.
BLUEBOTTLE: (Close) Thinks – I know how to get rid of the dynamite. (Aloud) Mister Morinartoo, would you
like a nice big long red cigar with a wick on the end?
GRAMS: Match being struck. Fuse burning. Continue under.
MORIARTY: Ah, thank you little boy.
GRAMS: Single whoosh.
MORIARTY: (Smacks lips) Aah.
BLUEBOTTLE: (Distant) Is it nice?
MORIARTY: It's gone out.
GRAMS: Single whoosh.
BLUEBOTTLE: I'll light it again for
you...
GRAMS: Enormous explosion.
GRAMS: Theme to “The Third Man.”
[18]
MILLIGAN: (Close) Thought you'd liked to hear it again...
GREENSLADE: Dishonoured part the
last. Neddie Seagoon gives his all in battle with the Red Bladder.
GRAMS: Indian attack. War whoops,
distant rifle shots.
BLOODNOK: How that battle raged. I
heard it all on the wireless, you know. Seagoon fought like a mad-man. How
else? But alas. (Weeping) Oh, oh,
oooh.
GRAMS: Distant bugle. Continue
under.
GREENSLADE: On that spot is now a
little white stone.
CRUN: Yes, once a year Min lays
flowers on it.
BANNISTER: (Sobbing) The stone bears a simple inscription in Hindustani.
BLOODNOK: I haven't the heart to
tell her that roughly translated it says: "
BANNISTER: Aahoow!
ORCHESTRA: Old Comrades March.
ANNOUNCER: That was the Goon Show, a
BBC recorded programme starring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan
with Ray Ellington and Max Geldray. The announcer was Wallace Greenslade. The
music was by Wally Stott and the script was by Spike Milligan. The programme
was restored by Ten Kendall and produced by John Browell.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.
[1] The night before this recording was made, Larry Stephens and his wife Diana had a dinner appointment with Spike. In the car, Stephens had a brain haemorrhage, and although rushed to hospital immediately, never regained consciousness, dying later that same evening. He was thirty five. He had nursed Milligan through many dry spells, neurotic episodes and through his absences, when he was in hospital, overseas or locked in a dark room unable to write. Stephens had on occasion even written whole pastiche Goon Shows, (eg: “The Thing on the Mountain”) in effortless Milliganesque style, saving his bacon many times over the years. Milligan later remembered Larry Stephens in scenarios which were both revealing and cruel, recalling that Larry “died in my arms in a restaurant” (Milligan ever the tragic colleague) and in 1988, “Larry died conveniently. It was very nice of him, and I went on to write them (the Goon series) on my own.”, (Milligan the writer tormented by hanger-oners.) For Milligan, Stephens’ death was the beginning of the end. He spoke to the Daily Mail around this time in tones that made it seem that the end had come for Neddie Seagoon. It was a few months later, that he, Sellers and Dick Lester produced the “Running, Jumping and Standing Still” film.
[2] So roughly he had 530 children.
[3] The Second Matabele War, also known as the Matabeleland Rebellion or
part of what is known in Zimbabwe as the First Chimurenga,
was fought between 1896 and 1897 in the area then known as Rhodesia, now Zimbabwe. It pitted the British South Africa Company against the Ndebele (Matabele) people, which led to conflict with the Shona people in the rest of
Rhodesia There exist various sketches of the native combatants by Anthony Baden
Powell. Spike had probably seen these.
[4] A popular song by Arlen, Harburg and Rose, published in 1933. It regained enormous popularity at the end of the war when versions were released by Ella Fitzgerald and Nat King Cole. In the decade of the Goon Show, versions had been released by Perry Como (1951), Sinatra (1953), Oscar Peterson (1955) and Dizzy Gillespie (1958).
[5] An English idiomatic expression meaning to behave in a clever but slightly dishonest manner to achieve a beneficial result. Comes from the sport of boxing.
[6] Arrestitute is not a genuine English word. It seems this is what Sellers says.
[7] The Grams and George Chisholm’s scream are out of sequence.
[8] There is the faint sound of Lauderic Caton, the guitarist in the Ray Ellington trio tuning his instrument quietly behind the previous line.
[9] The entire scene between Crun and Bannister is highly improvised. Milligan and Sellers were at their best in the ninth series with their character duos: Eccles & Bluebottle, Crun & Bannister. Their interplay in both duos were highly developed, full of extraneous noises (Min constantly adds “Oh dears” while Eccles often hums or sings) so the effort of notating exactly where the script ends and the improvisation starts is entirely conjectural.
[10] Paan Bidi is actually a very cheap Indian cigarette, widely used. The Paan is slightly psychoactive – a great ‘pick-me-up’, and would have been chewed or smoked by all the servants Spike knew when a child. Here Milligan pretends it is a drink. Vishnu is one of the major Indian gods of North India. The “Kravani” seems to be invented.
[11] “From This Moment On” – music and lyrics by Cole Porter (1891-1964). Originally written for the Broadway show “Out of this World” it was dropped during try-outs but then was inserted into the MGM film of “Kiss Me Kate” in 1953 where it showed its full potential as a jazz standard. Sinatra had included the number in his 1957 album “A Swingin’ Affair”.
[12] A complex series of references. “Bara Bidi” is Hindi/Urdu for “big cigarette”, if indeed this is what Milligan says. A “forepiece” means a curtain raiser to the main show. This scene was used in the film “The Case of the Mukkinese Battlehorn” (1955) where Sellers plays the besotted cabaret patron, and Milligan the Oriental Queen. As the Cor Anglais starts the oriental dance music, Milligan goes off mic announcing: “Here she comes. Creature of divine beauty…”
[13] Sellers, in Hindi accent.
[14] Some slang dictionaries list the word “crut” as a corruption of the US Army term for any skin disease “crud”. It was more often used specifically for venereal disease, and seems to have originated in the 1920’s. Rangoon, apart from containing an amusing variation of the word ‘Goon,’ was the capital of British occupied Burma until 1948. Milligan’s family had been posted there with the British Army from 1929 to 1933.
[15] M.O. Armed forces lingo for “Medical Officer”.
[16] The Khyber Pass is a mountain pass running between Afghanistan and Pakistan through the Spin Ghar mountains. At slightly over 1 km in height, it was an integral part of the silk road and has been used since Neolithic times as a trade route between Central Asia and the Indian subcontinent. The pass has been used by all the great armies of the world – Darius I, Alexander, Genghis Khan and the Moghul invaders. For the British however, the Khyber was a defensive barrier, the doorway into their sub continental possessions, and as such it was heavily defended against Russian interests, German invaders and the constantly belligerent Pashtun tribesmen. For an English soldier, being sent “up the Khyber” was similar to a German squaddie being sent to the Russian front.
[17] The title of a 1953 western movie by MGM starring Robert Taylor, Ava Gardner and Howard Keel. Milligan used this quote three times in the Goon Shows, each time exclaimed by Bluebottle. “The Phantom Head-Shaver of Brighton” (4/5th); “Foiled by President Fred” (7/6th) and this show. A Vaquero was a Spanish cowboy.
[18] “The Third Man”, a British film from 1949, directed by Carol Reed. The music for the film was written by an itinerant zither player, Anton Karas who Reed spotted in a Viennese restaurant playing for tips. The theme became very popular following the film’s premier and shot to the top of the US best sellers list in 1950. The tune was known as the “Harry Lime Theme”.