WHO
IS PINK OBOE?
GOON SHOW: TLO 75177
9TH
SERIES: No 11
BROADCAST: 12 Jan
1959
Script by Spike Milligan
Peter Sellers was indisposed for this broadcast.
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC light programme.
MILLIGAN: (Venerable)
Pray say your fertuffs quietly folks as here is a high fidelity recording of
John Snagge.
GRAMS: (Recording) JOHN
SNAGGE: This is the Satyricon of Petronius service of the Baa Bee See. We apologise for
the audience who attended the Goon Show on Sunday the twenty-eighth of
December. It has been discovered that these people had actually written in for
tickets to see a broadcast of Swedish drill by the Luton
Girls Male Choir. The actual Goon Show audience were misdirected to a
gramophone recital of Jackson Pollock paintings on clubbed leather. We
apologise to all concerned. I will now kill myself.
GRAMS: Pistol shot. Groan. Thud of body.
GREENSLADE: (Weeping)
Ohh Master Snagge!
SECOMBE: Don’t cry Wal. He remembered you in his will.
GREENSLADE: HOW MUCH????
SECOMBE: Oh, no money. He just said, “I remember Wal
Greenslade”.
GREENSLADE: Charlie!
SINGES: Pardon me sir, but the Goon Show has broken out.
SECOMBE: Singes! We must volunteer for it at once. Forward!
SINGES: Good luck sir!
OMNES: (Shout)
HOORAY!
GRAMS: Army boots briskly marching away with
Secombe and Milligan singing “Give me Some Men who are Stout Hearted Men” over.
Gradually speed up and fade.
GREENSLADE: I too will volunteer for the Goon Show by announcing
this announcement. We present ‘The Spy’ or –
GRAMS: (Recording – slightly faster) GREENSLADE:
The Spy orrrrrrrrrrr… (Even faster) The
Spy orrrrrrrrrrr…(Faster again) The
Spy orrrrrrrrrrr… (Yet faster) The
Spy orrrrrrrrrrr… (Fastest) The Spy
orrrrrrrrrrr…
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic introduction.
GREENSLADE: Meantime in a deserted lock-keepers lock, the
remains of French Aristocracy is steaming.
GRAMS: Fade in boiling pot.
MORIARTY: (Sings – to
the tune “Sur les Toits de Paris.”)
Yada baan,
Yaga bouin
Yagaba da doiun doaw…
(Changes
tune suddenly)
Shine through my silent thoughts again…
GRYTPYPE: I say, that smells good Moriarty. What is it?
MORIARTY: Me, (remind) – I’m using Perfume de Sewers Devine on
my knees.
GRYTPYPE: You erotic fool! You know full well that knee
perfumes were the cause of Louis Cans downfall.
MORIARTY: Correlate! – sapristi
noodle. Caramba le Ponk! – you insult
the knees of mon King, mon Roi de France. I challenge you to a steaming duel.
Name your weapon!
GRYTPYPE: I name my weapon BASIL!
Now, you name yours.
MORIARTY: I choose that magnificent melody divine – the Miserere,
at ten paces.
SECOMBE: (Announcer)
My Lords, ladies and gentlemen! This is a ten round…
GRAMS: Jelly splosh.
SECOMBE: THANK YOU! AHHHH…
GRYTPYPE: Right in the old dinner disposer.
MORIARTY: Now then, back to the back. Ten paces and sing…
ORCHESTRA: Piano accompaniment.
GRYTPYPE: (Sings) In
yon gloomy tower…
FX: Single stroke on bell.
MORIARTY: (Sings -
distant) Miserere.
GRYTPYPE: Where death now is gleaming…
BELL: Single stroke.
MORIARTY: Miserere.
GRYTPYPE: When death we shall meet no more.
BELL: Single stroke.
MORIARTY: Miserere.
GRYTPYPE: On a cold winters day…
BELL: Single stroke.
MORIARTY: (Raving)
Miserere. Miserere. Miserere. Miserere!
GRYTPYPE: And now to the… (Effort)
HUHAAAAARGH!!
GRAMS: Jelly splosh.
MORIARTY: (Spluttering)
Argh! Argh! Ppth. You swine! You tried to hit me with an unsigned sock full of
grit. I’ll not give in. Anything you can do, I can do better!
GRAMS: (Pre-recording)
GRYTPYPE: (Low)
No you can’t!
MORIARTY: Yes I
can!
(Gradually
wind up the speed)
GRYTPYPE: No you
can’t!
MORIARTY: Yes I
can!
GRYTPYPE: No you
can’t!
MORIARTY: Yes I
can!
GRYTPYPE: No you
can’t! No, you can’t! No, you can’t!
MORIARTY: (Extremely high) YES I CANNNNNNNNN!
FX: Slapstick.
MORIARTY: AAARH!
GRAMS: Body into water. Continued splashing.
MORIARTY: (Distant) HELP!
I can’t swim in water.
SECOMBE: Here, grab this copy of Bukharin’s confession.
MORIARTY: Will it save me?
SECOMBE: It saved him. Now slide this piece of dry land under
you.
GRAMS: Sound of pushing a grand piano on castors
over a wooden floor, the castors being a bit squeaky to give the sound of
traction.
MORIARTY: Taa!
SECOMBE: Too!
GRYTPYPE: Yes. Now Ned, for saving the Steam Count we charge a
fee of three shillings.
FX: Till
GRYTPYPE: Thank you.
SECOMBE: Could you play that again?
FX: Till
SECOMBE: What a lovely tune.
GRYTPYPE: Like it? It’s the national anthem of America. All
the shops are playing it. Now…
SECOMBE: Good heavens! Then it’s time for World War one. On
your marks…
FX: Pistol shot.
GRAMS: Great rush away of many boots, with a
military bugle call over the top.
GELDRAY: That only leaves old Max ‘Conks’ Geldray, boys!
MAX
GELDRAY – “It Don’t Mean a Thing”
GREENSLADE: Meantime in Whitehall…
plee pla plippy ploh ploo!
MILLIGAN: Excuse me Colonel Chinstrap, but Captain Seagoon’s
bed has just pulled up outside, sir.
COLONEL CHINSTRAP: Oh. By Jove, he must be a late riser. Just a minute.
GRAMS: Cork popping. Liquid pouring.
COLONEL CHINSTRAP: I don’t mind if I do. (Calls) Come in Seagoon!
GRAMS: Distant door opening. Couple of pairs of
boots running across wooden flooring.
SEAGOON: Hello Colonel Chipstrap.
COLONEL CHINSTRAP: How d’you do. I say, sit down my dear fellow and let
me take some of your surplus legs from under your surplus.
SEAGOON: Ha ha ha! Thank you. Mind if I play a violin?
COLONEL CHINSTRAP: As long as it’s one of ours.
SEAGOON: Care for one?
COLONEL CHINSTRAP: Well, just this once.
GRAMS: Two violins tuning up in a very amateurish
way.
COLONEL CHINSTRAP: By Jove – delicious. Now Seagoon, do you know we’re
at war with naughty Germany?
SEAGOON: Well, I heard shouting…
COLONEL CHINSTRAP: Lieutenant Jympton – tell him all!
COLONEL JIM: Well, we need you sir, for counter espionage sir.
SEAGOON: Ha ha! I suppose it means certain death?
COLONEL CHINSTRAP: And a pension – a perfect combination.
SEAGOON: Well – it’s for the old country. Ha ha ha! Seagoons
have never flinched from death.
ORCHESTRA: Bring in muted trumpet at sunset effect.
Play behind.
SEAGOON: (Over) I
can see it all now. I’ll fight till my ammunition’s gone. I’ll say to the other
men, “Lads, make your way back as best you can… Me? I’ll stay on – I’ll fight
‘em barehanded until I’m overpowered and then I’ll swallow my secret code.”
They’ll torture me – I won’t speak. It’ll mean the firing squad. Ha ha ha! So
what. They’ll say, “Any last requests?” I’ll say, “Yes, damn you! I want
evening dress.” I’ll take my time and put it on with my full miniatures. “Blind
fold?” they’ll say. Ha ha ha! (Blindfold!) The rifles will come up; the click
of the cartridges ram home; they’re taking aim… Ha ha ha! I’ll be smiling that…
that carefree daredevil smile. The officer will raise his sword… The volley
will ring out and… I’ll slump smiling to the floor – dead.
COLONEL CHINSTRAP: Well, Seagoon?
SEAGOON: (Coward) I
DON’T WANT TO GO!
GRAMS: Single whoosh.
COLONEL CHINSTRAP: I say! Stop
him before he gets to the bus stop!
GRAMS: Single whoosh.
FX: Door opens.
OMNES: (Assorted heavy
arm tactics.)
SEAGOON: (Over) Let
go! I’m a professional coward I tell you. I don’t want to go to war.
MILLIGAN: I caught him in Glasgow sir, wearing a Jewish kilt, sir.
COLONEL CHINSTRAP: My old
regiment. Look Seagoon, there’s a thousand pounds in it. If you succeed in this
mission it will shorten the war by three feet six inches.
SEAGOON: So wars are being worn shorter this year?
COLONEL CHINSTRAP: Of course.
SEAGOON: What’s the job?
COLONEL CHINSTRAP: Well, a
certain German spy has got the complete plans and measurements of the union
jack. It’s our job to stop him before he builds a prototype.
SEAGOON: Will they stop at nothing! Who is this fiend
incarnate?
COLONEL CHINSTRAP: Jympton, tell him.
JYMPTON: Have you ever heard of a German spy called – (sings excerpt from Lohengrin.) “La da die dum, dum dum
dum dum, lum die die dum?” Have you
heard of him?
SEAGOON: How do you spell it?
GRAMS: (Pre-recording) MILLIGAN:
Series of strange sounds played at speed.
SEAGOON: I think I’d recognise him if I heard him.
JYMPTON: Jolly good.
SEAGOON: Right! I’m your man.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.
GREENSLADE: A month has passed and we are now lumbered with a
meeting of high military Freds.
SEAGOON: Gentlemen, tomorrow we start our great mission to
recover those plans of the union jack. I have chosen you all for your
intelligence.
ECCLES: (At back of
room) You sure of dat?
SEAGOON: Ahem. (There may have been some slip-ups.) Tomorrow
we leave for France.
Now this is the secret password: “The wind is blowing through my grandmother’s
knees.” The reply is: “Annie is waiting upstairs.”
ECCLES: (Lascivious) Ohh, ho ho ho!
DYALL: I
can see we’re going to have trouble with you.
FX: Slapstick.
ECCLES: Owwwww!
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.
GRAMS: Distant roar of airship engines.
MILLIGAN: (Engine
impression) BRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR…
GREENSLADE: Dawn at Hendon Aerodrome; a freshly wallpapered
airship is being shaved for active service.
GRAMS: Fast car approaching. Squeal of brakes.
SEAGOON: Good morning Commander.
COMMANDER NARK: Good morning. Now Seagoon, these are the code names…
(You know – I don’t feel strange in this programme at all! (Nose-laugh) Gny gny gny gny gny gny gny gny gny!) Here are the
code names of our agents in France.
SEAGOON: Carry on – I’ll remember them.
COMMANDER NARK: There’s the Black Rabbit,
the Blue Pelican; (Sudden nasal
congestion) gnnnnyy… and the Yellow Alligator.
SEAGOON: (Confident) Roger.
COMMANDER NARK: Then there’s the Octoroon Monkey,
the Pink Oboe
and the Purple Mosquito.
SEAGOON: (Getting
worried) Yes, I think I’ll…
COMMANDER NARK: Then there’s the Vermilion Sock, the Vermilion Ponk,
the Chocolate Speedway
and the White Bint.
SEAGOON: Look, I… I think I’d better write this down.
COMMANDER NARK: No, please don’t. You’ll go colour blind!
STARK: Excuse me sir – your airship is ready sir.
SEAGOON: Let me taste. (Nibbling)
Mm hm hm hm! Delicious. Right, tell Eccles to get inside, run my bath and lay
out a blonde mannequin.
STARK: Hooray for war!... Ha ha. (Going off) Hooray for
war…
DYALL: I think we’re going to have trouble with him too,
sir.
SEAGOON: Well, goodbye fellas, and…Hugh?
JYMPTON: Er, yes sir?
ORCHESTRA: Solo sax and piano – “Laura” a la film
background music. Continue under.
SEAGOON: Hugh…
JYMPTON: Yes sir?
SEAGOON: …say goodbye to Penelope for me.
JYMPTON: Yes sir. (Calls)
Goodbye Penelope.
SEAGOON: Not yet, you fool. When you see her, darling. When
you see her, tell her… tell her…
JYMPTON: Yes?
SEAGOON: I can’t think of anything to tell her.
JYMPTON: Well, I’ll tell her that then sir.
SEAGOON: Gad, how we’ve loved. Yes! Passionate… by heavens she’s
a hot little number.
JYMPTON: So I found out after I married her sir.
SEAGOON: Ha ha! Yes – well, fair shares for all. Ha ha ha! Ahem. Goodbye.
JYMPTON: (Calls)
Goodbye sir.
OMNES: (Variously) Goodbye! Good luck on you
GRAMS: Propellers starting up; increasing in speed.
Fading into distance.
SEAGOON: Who let go of the rope before I got in?
COLONEL CHINSTRAP: I say Seagoon – that boy was doing his duty. We
wanted you to miss that airship. That’s to be a decoy.
SEAGOON: How do I get to France then?
COLONEL CHINSTRAP: By this secret military tricycle.
SEAGOON: Gad! The war’s as good as won! So saying I hailed a
taxi and cycled to Folkestone. There I caught a steam packet across the
channel, and as I drove my velocipede up the gangplank, I saw another tricycle
of foreign design upon my tail.
MILLIGAN: Gerblongen, geskeinen! Ich haben zich min die Edgeware Road
three-and-nine standing room only. (Raves)
SEAGOON: It’s old Milligan doing his impression of a naughty
German there.
GRAMS: Burst of machine gun fire. Fighter planes
sweeping low in combat. Occasional machine gun burst.
MILLIGAN: (Into
distance) Take that you swine!
SEAGOON: By turning my tricycle in a tight turn, I was on his
tail and let him have a burst of steam.
GRAMS: Jet of steam.
MILLIGAN: Ich geschtiemen der heiser! (Raves)
GRAMS: Howl of doomed fighter being shot down.
MILLIGAN: (Distant)
Ach – you schwine! You schwinehund!
SEAGOON: Got him right in his dorniers! Ha ha! And so folks I
shot down my first German tricycle. Waiting to sail, ‘Old Man River’ Ellington
played a merry shanty and I… I went for a BRANDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
GRAMS: Boots rushing into distance.
RAY
ELLINGTON QUARTET –
“Run Joe”
GREENSLADE: Part three – “The Spy,” pong pee telly tee!
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic sea link.
GRAMS: Ocean sound. Waves, distant seagulls.
CAST: (Nautical shouts over.)
SEAGOON: Well, so far so good.
GREENSLADE: (On tannoy)
Hello all passengers. This is your Captain, ‘Merry Jim Greenslade’ speaking.
Here is a warning; this ship will be passing through fish infested waters, many
of them sympathetic to the Germans. So
therefore there must be no naked lights on board.
MR O’TOOLE: Ah! Did you hear that Mrs O’Toole? Now put some
clothes on that match.
MRS O’TOOLE: Well, I can’t. I’m looking for my Dorothy bag darlin’.
MR O’TOOLE: Oooh! That old bag.
MRS O’TOOLE: Well, I must find it cocky.
MR O’TOOLE: What’s in it? What’s in it ehi?
MRS O’TOOLE: You are – darling!
MR O’TOOLE: Ooh ‘ere! You naughty woman! You told me it was an
overcoat sewn up at the bottom.
MRS O’TOOLE: Well, see we couldn’t afford the fare, darlin’.
MR O’TOOLE: You got me into your Dorothy bag under false
pretences! You darlin’ darlin’! You’re
the darlin’…
MRS O’TOOLE: I’m the darlin’…
(Argument.)
ORCHESTRA: Short corny link. End on tatty chord in C.
GRAMS: Airship engines. Then fade behind.
GREENSLADE: We join the pilotless airship, the plotless story
with luckless Eccles.
GRAMS: Water running into bath. Fade behind.
ECCLES: (Singing)
Doi doim doi doi… Major’s been havin’ a bath today. (Calls) Captain? The bath’s
ready. Captain? (Calls) Captain? S’a
funny thing folks… I’d better go and see…
FX: Door opens.
ECCLES: Oohh! Pardon me, Miss. Oaiwwww, um – you seen
Captain Seagoon?
ENCHANTRESS: No I haven’t darling.
ECCLES: Ohohoiaww oiaww! I’m not that young. He he he!
ENCHANTRESS: Tell me – tell me, what’s your name?
ECCLES: My name? Eccles. NO! Um… Rock Hudson. That’s who I am. I’m Rock Hudson,
buddy.
ENCHANTRESS: Well, you come and sit down here Rocky, you naughty,
naughty boy.
ECCLES: Oooh! Hear, hear, hear, hear, hear! Oh hear, hear,
hear, hear!
FX: Knock at door.
ECCLES: Oh, dere’s someone knocking at the airship door at forty
thousand feet.
ENCHANTRESS: He must be very tall.
ECCLES: Anything you say.
(Calls out) I’m coming!
FX: Door opens.
GRAMS: Howling
wind.
ECCLES: Who’s that out there?
FLOWERDEW: I say, do help me
Eccles. I’m balancing on a ladder – I’m being chased by a police ladder.
ECCLES: Come in then.
(Effort) Huh…
FX: Door slams.
GRAMS: Wind stops.
FLOWERDEW: I say Eccles, you do look rather a decent type.
Don’t you think you sort of better get at the steering wheel? I mean to say –
nobody’s steering. I mean – isn’t that silly! (Manic) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
ECCLES: (Close)
We’d better watch this one.
FLOWERDEW: I say – well, I’ll take over then. By jove, fighting
for England.
Oh, if only my mother could see me now.
FX: Phone rings. Handset picked up.
FLOWERDEW: Hello? Is that you mother?
EIDELBURGER: (On phone) Is zat airship R. U. one two?
FLOWERDEW: Yes. R. U. one two.
EIDELBURGER: (On phone) Tell you pilot to put his
hands, legs and teeth up, or I’ll fire, gerbang!
FLOWERDEW: Oh! Do you know him then?
EIDELBURGER: (On phone) This is Von (sings)
Da da da daa da da da daa da da daa daa! Da da da daaa… (I don’t know
any more!) I’m on your tail in a German fighter triplane.
FLOWERDEW: Well, I tell you – you see, he’s awfully busy. Can I
sort of ring you back later, say about three?
EIDELBURGER: (On phone) Nein!
FLOWERDEW: Alright – nine then.
EIDELBURGER: (On phone) (Enraged German.)
ECCLES: Give me that
phone. ‘Ere, listen naughty – HELLO! – I can’t drive this airship with my hands
up!
GRAMS: Burst
of machine gun fire.
ECCLES: (Over)
Ahhhhoh…arghh..oaghh! I’m learning though.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic
link.
SEAGOON: When the ship
docked in Paris,
I was contacted by a mysterious man.
MYSTERIOUS
MAN: Pssst…. Pssst.
SEAGOON: Psst… (&c)
MILLIGAN: He’s got a
puncture.
MYSTERIOUS
MAN: Monsieur, follow me while I follow you.
GRAMS: Two
pairs of boots running along.
SEAGOON: For an hour we
ran in French, which I run fluently. At midnight we arrived at the old chateau
in Ville de Fon de Foon.
SPRIGGS: Hello Jim. “The
wind is blowing through my grandmothers knees.”
SEAGOON: “Annie is waiting
upstairs.”
SPRIGGS: Good! (Sings)
Good maa-aaannn! He’s one of us.
ENCHANTRESS: Good. Thank heavens he’s not one of them dear.
SPRIGGS: Silence Madame X.
SEAGOON: Can you tell me
anything about (sings) Da da da daa dum da dum dum, dum dad um daa, la da da
daa dum da da…
SPRIGGS: I know his whereabouts.
SEAGOON: Introduce me to
them.
SPRIGGS: Very difficult Jim… (sings) Very diffficuuuuulluuit.
But go to the lonely crossroads at the Rue de Postcards; there you will stand
on one leg and whistle in English.
SEAGOON: Gad! I’ll be whistling for England.
FRENCHMAN: Monsieur? First you must swallow this alarm clock.
GRAMS: Mix in alarm clock behind dialogue.
SEAGOON: (Swallows)
FRENCHMAN: When it rings, you will know where it is at the
time.
SEAGOON: Brilliant. Farewell!
FRENCHMAN: C’est un Charlie.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link with German High Command
Overtones.
ECCLES: Put me down! Let me go…
EIDELBURGER: For ze last time – tell me vere is British agent
called ‘Knees Up Mudder Brown’ is hiding?
ECCLES: I don’t know where (sings) ‘Knees Up Mudder Brown’ is. (Raves)
EIDELBURGER: A likely story. Hier Davidson, tie zese men to a
band of explosive saxophones.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic chords.
GRAMS: Distant wind. A pair of boots running
closer. Stops in foreground.
SEAGOON: Argh. These are the crossroads. Now, stand on one
leg and whistle.
(Whistles
the theme from Lohengrin.)
GRAMS: Jelly splosh.
SEAGOON: Spuk…err…puook… yyyyrk. Who threw that enemy
Christmas pudding?
GRYTPYPE: Quick, tie his teeth behind his back before he can
eat it.
SEAGOON: You devils! You’ll hear from my solicitor about
this…
GRAMS: Swell sound of alarm clock ticking.
MORIARTY: Sapristi nabolas! There’s something ticking inside
his stomach.
GRYTPYPE: It must be a stomach bomb. Run for it!
GRAMS: (Pre-recording) Grytpype & Moriarty
screaming at each other. Two pairs of boots running into distance. Speed up.
WILLIUM: ‘Ere, was that you whistling on one leg, mate?
SEAGOON: Yes. (Slowly)
“The wind is whistling up my grandmothers knees.”
WILLIUM: Oh. She ought to
wear long draws then mate. (Wheezes) Heheheheee…
SEAGOON: That was a secret
code you nit. He wasn’t at rehearsals you know… had to get him in a hurry.
WILLIUM: I’m not with it
yet.
SEAGOON: I don’t think we
are either.
WILLIUM: An important word
mate; “Annie is waiting upstairs.”
SEAGOON: Good Who are you?
WILLIUM: I’m Pink Oboe.
SEAGOON: Ted Ray’s
grandad!
WILLIUM: And I can prove
it. Now listen – Eccles is in danger.
SEAGOON: This is going to
be a happy ending folks.
WILLIUM: Now get that
wheel-barrow there and FOLLOW ME!
GRAMS: Trundling
along of a single wheel. Pair of boots running along as if pushing a
wheel-barrow.
ORCHESTRA: Brief
dramatic link.
FX: Chains.
MILLIGAN: (German) In here
agent ‘Knees Up Mother Brown!’ The war’s over for you.
SEAGOON: Let me go you
German devil you!
FX: Iron door slams.
SEAGOON: Swines. (Sniffs) Funny smell in here. (Cheery) Bloodnok!
ECCLES: It’s…er… not him.
It’s me over in the corner. I’m tied to this barrel of exploding saxophones.
SEAGOON: Let me…
GRAMS: Enormous
explosion.
FX: Ticking of alarm clock.
ECCLES: Aww. Neddie?
Neddie? Oh, that’s the sad story of agent Ned folks. All that’s left…
FX: Alarm goes off.
ECCLES: …is this clock he
swallowed. Oh dear! Time for beddy-byes. Where’s my dolly?
ENCHANTRESS: Here I am
darling.
ECCLES: Ha ha! I’m not
that young folks!
ORCHESTRA: ‘Old
Comrades March’ playout.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.
YTI
