GOON SHOW: TLO 42750
8TH SERIES: No 9
BROADCAST:
By: Spike Milligan and Larry
Stephens
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Light Programme. We
present the all-leather Goon Show. Now, tonight, we are ...
SECOMBE: Ha, hark at old Greenslade 'ere. Hark at all the ol'
posh chat there, Greenslade.
GREENSLADE: Mr. Seagoon, my accent is ...
SECOMBE: It's all put on, you know. ('posh') And here, here is
the weather forecast. Aha ha ha ha. Good old Greenslade. (You got ...
GREENSLADE: Mr. Seagoon ...
SECOMBE: ... a bad cold tonight as well, 'aven't you, Greenslade?
(2))
GREENSLADE: (Mr. Seagoon, this is my normal
voice.
SECOMBE: Don't give me that, Greenslade! Aho ho, I've 'eard you.
I've 'eard you at 'ome - '
GREENSLADE: Please!
SECOMBE: I've 'eard 'im.
GREENSLADE: Please!
SECOMBE: With the old shirt all round your neck and that, I've
seen you, Greenslade. Ah ha ha ha. Well, old Greenslade. In his shirtsleeves.
Aha ha. I've seen 'im in his shirtsleeves, there. Go on, Greenslade.
GREENSLADE: Now, um, tonight we are ...
SECOMBE: I've seen you of a Friday night, Greenslade.
Staggerin' 'ome with all your wage packet spent.
GREENSLADE: Silence! Or John Snagge will hear of this.
SECOMBE: He knows. 'E knows. Who do you think was 'oldin' you
up!
GREENSLADE: Mr. ...
SECOMBE: Ha ha ha ha. There we are, follow that one, you sea
lion then. I do.
GREENSLADE: Mr. Seagoon, it is the solemn duty of a
BBC announcer to talk posh.
SECOMBE: Oh.
GREENSLADE: Now ...
SECOMBE: Ooh err oohh errr.
GREENSLADE: If you'll kindly put on these ...
SECOMBE: Ohhh!
GREENSLADE: ... fudge boots, and stand in that flooded
phone box, I shall proceed. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting 'The Policy'.
ORCHESTRA: Tattyrah chord, cymbal snap
SECOMBE: (off) Hello, folks.
GREENSLADE: Part one, the scene, a huge corporation rubbish
dump, just outside Slaggly-on-Ouse.
GRAMS: Flies loudly buzzing, 10 seconds, then under
GRYTPYPE: (over) Drat those flies, Moriarty. I can't think what
attracts them.
MORIARTY: It's all this rotten rubbish.
GRYTPYPE: Nonsense, it's you, you steaming ruin, you.
MORIARTY: Owww.
GRYTPYPE: Don't shake your 'owww's at me, or I'll confiscate
your teeth.
MORIARTY: Ohh, no, no, Grytpype. (smacks lips) Please, not
that. (smacks lips)
Gryptpype: Give me back that kipper
bone.
MORIARTY: Owww! (gummy) Give me back my teeth, it's nearly
dinner time.
GRYTPYPE: So it is. Well, come along, get the knives and forks
out.
MORIARTY: (normal) No, it's no ... no good, right, no it's no
good! I can't eat any more knives and forks. I must have food, we've got the
money. Food. F-L-U-leeoo-D food. (husky) I have got to have food, folks.
(Throat) I've got to have food.
GRYTPYPE: Stop doing that disgusting thing and pay attention to
me, will you. I have an idea. All we need is one simple-Minded idiot.
SEAGOON (off, sings) La, la la, me me, me me, don't doh ray
mee.
GRYTPYPE: That's him.
MORIARTY: Who?
SEAGOON (off) Me?
MORIARTY: Oh, him.
SEAGOON (off) Ha ha ha.
GRYTPYPE: Yes.
MORIARTY: It's me.
GRYTPYPE: MORIARTY,
follow me.
SEAGOON (sings) La, la la, la dee, la dee la hoh. (normal) I'm
in fine voice today, lads. (ahem) (sings) Ma nun mme lassá,
Nun darme stu turmiento...
Torna a Surriento:
famme campá!...
GRYTPYPE: Bravo, bravo ... (clapping) Bravo.
MORIARTY: (off) How did he do a Royal Command? I can't
understand it!
GRYTPYPE: Oh, what a magnificent voice.
SEAGOON Oh, come now, you don't really mean that.
GRYTPYPE: My dear sir, without doubt ... you have done for the
art of singing what
SEAGOON (aside) The voice came from the west end of a long
black cigarette holder.
GRYTPYPE: Yes, and the long black neck protruding from that
compost heap belongs to none other than the dear Count Jim 'Drains' ...
MORIARTY: Owwww.
GRYTPYPE: ... Moriarty, ...
MORIARTY: I don't know why I come here.
GRYTPYPE: Undefeated world steaming champion.
MORIARTY: Pssssshhhhht.
SEAGOON Charmed.
MORIARTY: Sponned.
GRYTPYPE: No, no, no, Neddie.
SEAGOON Oh?
GRYTPYPE: The Count ... the dear Count here, is really a
wealthy music lover, aren't you, Moriarty?
MORIARTY: What, what? Oh, yes, yes. Aho, money ... I'm filthy
with it.
GRYTPYPE: And without it. Neddie, as a tribute to your great
mouth-type singing, the Count would like to give you, free of charge, a
valuable ten thousand pound life insurance policy.
SEAGOON I say, that's dashed nice of you.
GRYTPYPE: Yes, yes, just step into this impression of a car,
will you.
MORIARTY: (blows through lips imitating car engine)
SEAGOON (over) Right.
GRYTPYPE: (over) Moriarty, drive on.
MORIARTY: (blows faster as car accelerating, fades)
GRAMS: Many feet running away
ORCHESTRA: Descending chords
FX: Door opens
GRYTPYPE: Good morning. Is this the Spon LIfe Insurance
Company?
SPRIGGS: Yes, Jim. Yes, Ji-im! (It's getting popular, Jim. (3))
GRYTPYPE: We should like to take out an insurance policy for
this gentleman.
SPRIGGS: I'm sorry, Jim, we only insure people who are still
alive.
GRYTPYPE: No, no, no, I don't mean my friend Moriarty ...
MORIARTY: Owww.
GRYTPYPE: ... I mean this circular gentleman.
SPRIGGS: Oh, yes. We'll have to ha-ave the usual medical examination.
GRYTPYPE: (Come along, Neddie, (fades) come along.
FX: Door opens
SEAGOON (off) Hang on a second.
SPRIGGS: Ah. Ah, come in, Come i-in! Come in, Jim. (2)) Now
strip to the waist, please. Not too low, please. Now then, pass me that hammer.
Thank you. Now ...
FX:
SPRIGGS: Yes, yes, his back seems fine.
FX: Scattered notes on
vibraphone - pop
SPRIGGS: Ribs all right.
FX: Bass drum bang
SPRIGGS: And stomach OK. Now then, open your ... open your
mou-outh!
SEAGOON Ahh!
SPRIGGS: Wider:
SEAGOON Ahhhh!
SPRIGGS: There, sGreensladelow that.
SEAGOON (gulp) (distaste) Er-ugh! What was it?
SPRIGGS: Cigarette ash ... I didn't want to drop it on the
carpet. Well, Mr. Seejune, you seem to be a hundred percent fat. Here is your
policy. Poli-cee! Payable to you or your rightful heirs.
GRYTPYPE: Oh, er, that reminds me Neddie, er, could I have your
autograph, please?
SEAGOON Why, certainly.
FX: Pen scratching
GRYTPYPE: Thank you.
SEAGOON Er ... wait a minute. W ... what was that I just
signed?
GRYTPYPE: Oh, it's only an old bit of paper, you know. Bit of
scrap paper.
SEAGOON Then why did it say 'Will' on the top?
Gytpype: Because that's its name.
Will Paper. Aha ha.
SEAGOON Oh, I see. Well done. Well, gentlemen, thank you for
this valuable gift. Oh, by the way, when do I get the ten thousand
pounds?
SPRIGGS: The moment you're deceased.
SEAGOON Oh.
GRYTPYPE: And to assist you in your task, Neddie, here is a
handbook, entitled 'One Hundred Easy Ways To Get Deceased'.
SEAGOON Oh, thank you very much. Well, goodbye.
FX: Door opens, closes
SEAGOON Where's ... where's my speaking trumpet? (ahem)
SPRIGGS: (off) Testing, Jim.
SEAGOON (megaphone) )Testing, folks, testing. Hello folks.
Calling folks. I'll be rich, folks. All I have to do is get deceased, and then
I need never work again. Ha ha, ha ho. (sings, going off) 'Singing a merry
song, I'm going my way, going my way, ohhh. (fades)
GRYTPYPE: Splendid, Moriarty.
MORIARTY: Oww.
GRYTPYPE: Now all we have to do is wait, and here to while away
the time is a clockwork oil-painting of Max Geldray blowing his old Dutch
ploogie.
MORIARTY: Oh, the plooge.
MAX GELDRAY plays 'Button Up Your
Overcoat'
GREENSLADE: The Policy, part two. As befitted the
proud owner of ten thousand pounds in life insurance, Seagoon took a luxury
flat in Cringers Buildings, Hoxton, and engaged a personal manservant.
SEAGOON Now, my man, is my jacket on straight?
Willium: Yes sir, and I must say a
strait-jacket suits you ter a treat.
SEAGOON There y'go. Now, Willium, one of your duties will be
to help me to get deceased.
Willium: Eh?
SEAGOON Pass me that handbook. Let me see now. 'How To Get
Deceased. Method One.' Here. You read out the instructions.
Willium: Oh, right ... right, mate,
right. Ah. 'Take nice strong bit o' rope, stand on chair, and tie end o' rope
to beam what's in ceiling.'
SEAGOON (off) Right. (effort) I done that.
Willium: Right. 'Tie uvver end o'
rope arahnd neck.'
SEAGOON (Off, strangulated) Yep. Now what?
WILLIUM: 'Now kick chair away from under yer.'
SEAGOON (off, strangulated) Right.
GRAMS: Chair falling over, strain of beam giving way, pieces
of ceiling plaster falling, beam crashes to floor, debris falling
SEAGOON Jerry-building.
MORIARTY: Owww! Oww, Grytpype, we've been foiled.
SEAGOON I'll have to try method number two. Now er ....
MORIARTY: What is it?
GRYTPYPE: 'Sleeping in the open on Salisbury Plain during a
snow storm.'
ORCHESTRA: Descending chords
GRAMS: Howling wind
Spike: (off, over, howling like a
wolf) Ahowww! (continues)
SEAGOON (over, megaphone) Hello, folks. Calling folks. This is
Neddie, speaking from the middle of Salisbury Plain, folks. Well, it's snowing
heavily and it's just starting to get dark, so I've undressed and put on my
long flannel nightshirt. Don't want to catch cold, you know, folks.
Incidentally, as the ground is covered in snow, folks, I'm going to sleep
standing up. Well, goodnight, folks, goodnight. (coughs, smacking of lips,
grunt, yawns, snores)
GREENSLADE: (over) Meanwhile, not far away, two boy
soldiers stumble through the wintry darkness.
GRAMS: Howling wind, fades
BLUEBOTTLE: (over) You stupid nit, Eccles. I told you
we shoulda turned left at
FX: Rapid trill on temple block
BLUEBOTTLE: (over, shock) Wahayyy!
FX: Tapping stops
BLUEBOTTLE: What is dat?
ECCLES: My knees.
GRAMS: Howling wind, fades
BLUEBOTTLE: (over) Ohho. Ay. Ohho. I wish I'd never
joined a Highland Regiment. Harm can come to a young lad wearin' a kilt on a
night like dis.
ECCLES: (Yeah, it is dis cold wind. (3))
BLUEBOTTLE: (Yes.
ECCLES: I wonder where it's comin' from.
BLUEBOTTLE: I don't know. But I know where it's goin'
to! Ayy!
ECCLES: (off) It never fails. (1))
GREENSLADE: Soon, they approached the spot where
Seagoon is fast asleep, standing rigidly to attention in his long white
nightshirt.
ECCLES: (surprise) Ohh! Look, Bottle. Ah, it's a short fat
tent.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, it is a tent.
ECCLES: Here, let's get inside out o' the cold.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes. You hold the flap up, and I'll crawl
underneath.
ECCLES: OK. You first.
BLUEBOTTLE: OK den.
ECCLES: Now me.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh.
ECCLES: (effort) Ah. Oh!
BLUEBOTTLE: Ah!
ECCLES: That's better. (clap hands to body as though to warm
up) Oh, yeah. Much warmer an' ... nice and cosy in here.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes. I'm much warmer now, Eccles. You
feel my cheek.
ECCLES: (pause ) Bit dark 'ere. (pause ) Oh yeah. So you are,
you're ... you're warm. (You're getting fatter too, you know.
BLUEBOTTLE: (What do you mean? (3)) You haven't
touched me yet!
ECCLES: Ohhh. Well, I touched somebody.
BLUEBOTTLE: Wait a minute, I'll strike a match.
ECCLES: Right.
FX: Match struck
BLUEBOTTLE: (surprise) Ahhahooie!! Eccles!
ECCLES: Ohhowww!
BLUEBOTTLE: It's a nudist with no head.
ECCLES: (Yeah. (2))
BLUEBOTTLE: Pardon me, sir! Mister! I say, Mister!
ECCLES: What's wrong?
BLUEBOTTLE: I can't get any answer.
ECCLES: Perhaps there's nobody in. Here, let me try.
FX: Three knocks (metal doorknocker)
SEAGOON: (off) Ahh. Phut, phut, phut, who is that? Come out
from under my nightshirt. Come out!
BLUEBOTTLE: Ohhhooo hoo. Ayy. Ahoo.
ECCLES: Look, Bottle, it ... i ... i... it ain't a tent.
BLUEBOTTLE: No. It's only a man disguised as a
tent.
SEAGOON: Silence, little kilted boy! Or I'll have at you with
this feather duster.
BLUEBOTTLE: Now, I say. Hands up, I say. Raises boy
soldier's rifle and cocks piece of elastic. Quick march. A-left, right, left
...
SEAGOON Now look here, you can't do this to me, I ...
BLUEBOTTLE: Left, right, left.
SEAGOON You can't ...
ECCLES: Right and ...
SEAGOON: Where are you take ...
BLUEBOTTLE: Left ...
ECCLES: Eyes left ...
BLUEBOTTLE: Left ...
ECCLES: Left (and right.
BLUEBOTTLE: Left, right, left ... (fades)
ECCLES: (off) Left, right ... (2))
GREENSLADE: While at the military camp nearby, the
commanding officer is busy with his official correspondence.
ORCHESTRA: BLOODNOK's
theme
BLOODNOK: Ohhhohhoohho. Ohhoho. (Ah well ... now where was I?
(2)) (Ah, yes, yes.
FX: Pen scratching
BLOODNOK: (over) Messrs. Dingleberry and Crabwort, Medical
Herbalists. Dear Sirs, Please send me another box of your Little Lightning
Licorice Pills for loss of power in the knees, and trembling. Also, one large
bottle of concentrated essence of shrimps. I enclose m(1))(y ...(3))
FX: Knocking on door
BLOODNOK: Ohhhoho! Don't come in. Don't let ... Er, Singhiz,
cover up that picture of a naked telephone, and hide that naughty French
mustard, would you? Right, come in.
FX: Door opens
ECCLES: (off) OK, in you go.
SEAGOON (off, approaching) You can't do this to me.
BLOODNOK: Hello, what's this?
ECCLES: I ... I don't know. Me and Bottle found it on da
Salisbury Plain.
SEAGOON I tell you I'm innocent, my grandmother owns a duck
farm in
ECCLES: An ... any eggs?
SEAGOON Well ...
BLOODNOK: Wait a Minute! Aren't you Myrtle Prong's daughter?
SEAGOON No.
BLOODNOK: I knew it! I never forget a nightshirt.
SEAGOON Now listen to me, Major ...
BLOODNOK: Oh, lovely Myrtle Prong, the flower of the NAAFI. Oh,
those
ORCHESTRA: 2 bars Introduction, then accompaniment 'The
Indigestion waltz'
BLOODNOK: (over, sings)
'I
danced the whole night through,
The
Indigestion waltz with you.
We gave
a kick-up,
With
each naughty hiccough,
And up
in the air we flew.
You wore
a pale pink rose,
And I
wore a big red nose.
With
every sharp turn,
I got
such heartburn,
The
Indigestion waltz, dear, with you, with you,
The
Indigestion waltz with you.'
I thank you. Send only
two-and-sixpence for a copy of this record. Well, Seagoon, I don't know what
we're gonna do with you. Um, Eccles, were you about to make a suggestion?
ECCLES: Me?
BLOODNOK: Yes.
ECCLES: Um ... no.
BLOODNOK: Then why are you standing there looking so
suggestive?
ECCLES: I ... I ... I'm not.
BLOODNOK: Ohhhoho. Ohhhohhoho.
ECCLES: You naughty man, you.
BLOODNOK: Chicketty-snitch, you naughty lad. Stop wasting my
time and get out!
FX: (door closes)
ECCLES: Ahhhhho!
BLOODNOK: And send in Bandmaster Ray Ellington and his Barrack
Squares.
ECCLES: OK.
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET - 'You'd Better Know It'
GREENSLADE: The Policy, part three. We now return you
to Major. BLOODNOK. ((sings Bloodnok's
Theme badly) La diddley ai de diddley ah diddley ah datah, ah, ha diddley
ahhhh, ahhhhh!
SEAGOON Now look here, Major, I can't ...
BLOODNOK: Don't you dare raise your nightshirt to me, sir! (3))
What were you doing on Salisbury Plain in a snow-storm?
SEAGOON I was trying to get deceased.
BLOODNOK: What? Surely there must be easier ways of
killing yourself.
SEAGOON Killing myself?
BLOODNOK: Yes.
SEAGOON Killing myself ... dead?
BLOODNOK: Well, that's the usual way, isn't it?
SEAGOON Dead! So that's what deceased means. Oh, those
villains. Hirrors of horrors, helppp!
BLOODNOK: Seagoon, come down off that elephant stand, will you.
Now explain to me, please.
SEAGOON Major ...
BLOODNOK: What?
SEAGOON Two crooks have insured my life for ten thousand
pounds. Now they're trying to kill me so that they get the money.
BLOODNOK: I see, I see. Yes, mm. Excuse me a moment, would you?
(sings softly) 'I danced the whole night through ...
FX: Door opens, closes
BLOODNOK: ... The Indigestion Waltz with you ... '
FX: Phone taken off hook
BLOODNOK: (spoken) Er, get me the Spon Insurance Company, er,
would you? Um. (sings softly) 'I wan a ee.' (spoken) Hello? Ah. Mm, yes. I want
to take out a ten thousand pounds life insurance on Mr. Neddie Seagoon. Mm. Er,
thank you, yes. (sings softly) 'Mm da da dee, ah'.
FX: Phone hung up, door opens
BLOODNOK: Now, Neddie ...
FX: Door closes
BLOODNOK: Ahh, little Neddie, how about a nice drink?
SEAGOON Oh, thank you.
BLOODNOK: I'll mix you one of my special cocktails. Let me see
now, one part arsenic ...
FX: Clink of bottle and glass
BLOODNOK: One part cyanide ...
FX: Pouring liquids, occasional clinks
BLOODNOK: (over) ... part sulphuric acid, two parts plin, one part
disinfectant and a dash of weed-killer.
FX: Pouring stops
BLOODNOK: There, lad!
FX: Glass placed on table
BLOODNOK: You try that. I think you'll find that ... ohh ...
Neddie? Where ... ? He's gone!
SEAGOON Little does he realise, folks, that by placing my ear
against the side of my head, I heard what he was saying. And I'm, even now,
even now, driving a fast pair of legs towards
BLOODNOK: Neddie! Come back! You haven't (fades) had your nice
drink. Neddie!
FX: Door closes, knocking on door, door opens
ECCLES: Excuse me, Major Blo ... oh ... ohh, 'e's, er ....
er, not 'ere, Bottle.
BLUEBOTTLE: 'Ay, look, Eccles, he's left his drink on
da table.
ECCLES: Oh yeah! Oh.
BLUEBOTTLE: Here, Eccles, have you ever tasted any
halcoholic liquor?
ECCLES: No, 'ave you?
BLUEBOTTLE: No.
ECCLES: Well, go on then, da-drink ... drink this st ... go
drink ... drink da den ... drink da ...
BLUEBOTTLE: No - I'm frightened. You drink it, den
you can tell me what it is like.
ECCLES: OK. OK. Cheers. (sips, smacking of lips, gulp,
smacking of lips)
GRAMS: Bubbles, deep noisy gurgling, whoosh, explosion, car
approaches, screech of brakes, car crashes, jet plane roars overhead, smashing
of glass, large explosion, falling debris
ECCLES: Mm, not bad, not bad at all.
ORCHESTRA: Descending chords
ECCLES: (over, sings) 'Ahm oum ah owww'.
GREENSLADE: And now, let us join
GRAMS: Heavy rain
SEAGOON (over) Yes, it's me, folks. A fugitive from Grytpype
and Moriarty with ... with nowhere to ... But what's this - this thing of grace
and fragile beauty?
FLOWERDEW: It's the Albert Memorial.
SEAGOON (Thank you. (3))
FLOWERDEW: (You're welcome, cheeky.
SEAGOON I look cheeky, don't I? (1)) The perfect hiding place!
Hurriedly I painted a leather door on the side of the Albert Memorial, and hung
up a sign saying 'Rooms to let, apply caretaker'.
FX: Three raps on metal door-knocker
CRUN: Ahh, yes?
SEAGOON I'm looking for a room.
CRUN: Ah yes, come in, sir.
FX: Door closes
CRUN: This way. Sir ... Mind the elephant stand, sir.
BANNISTER: (off) Oh yim. (approaches, singing) Yim
bum diddle da doy dum diddle doh. Dip a dee pum ba bim ya pa pa po ee dee dum,
dee dee diddle dee, pee ...
CRUN: Min, Min!
BANNISTER: Ohoh! (sings) Cha pcha cha cha ...
CRUN: Min!
BANNISTER: (sings) Yup puppa poh.
CRUN: Get ... get back in your modern room at once, Min.
BANNISTER: (sings) Yah got to rock and rock around
the clock, rock and rolling all the time, gotta rock and roll ...
CRUN: (over) You wicked woman, you.
BANNISTER: (sings) ... You rock, rock ... (continues)
CRUN: (over) You've been at the sennapod wine again! You
... (stop that Jayne Mansfield-type Greensladeking, will you! (2)) Have you no
shame? Greensladeking about in those high-heeled football boots ... you're
driving me mad.
BANNISTER: (sings) Papum. Yuppa puppa poh.
SEAGOON About the room, sir.
CRUN: What? Yes sir, yes. Ah, yes.
FX: Door opens
CRUN: Oh. This is it, sir. Nine pounds a a week, no
visitors, no music, no dancing, no cooking, no hot water and no breathing after
eleven. And if you want anything, all you have to do is to go and get it, sir.
SEAGOON Gad, a typical English boarding house. Splendid.
CRUN: Good night, sir.
FX: Door closes
SEAGOON Aha ha ha ha. Where's my speaking trumpet? Oh.
BANNISTER: Here it ... here it is, I ...
SEAGOON Thank you, cheeky. (ahem) (through megaphone) Thank
heaven, folks, safe at last. Now nobody has the faintest idea where I am.
FX: Door opens
Peter: Er, Mr. Seagoon?
SEAGOON Yes?
PETER: Parcel for you.
SEAGOON Oh, ta.
FX: Door closes
SEAGOON A parcel?
FX: Unwrapping paper parcel
SEAGOON (over) Wonder what it ... why, it's a gramophone
record. I'll just play it on the gas-ring.
GRAMS: Pre-recorded
GRYTPYPE (slight echo)
'There he is, Moriarty. Now count three, and fire!'
MORIARTY (simile)
'Sapristi, yes. One, two three.'
Record
clicks as though cracked. (click)'Two, three', (click)'Two, three',
(click)'Two, three', (click)'Two, three'. (click)
GRYTPYPE: (as before)
'What's the matter?'
MORIARTY: (simile) 'The
needle's stuck' (click) 'stuck'. Gytpype (simile) 'Give me that gun'. (pistol
shot, click) 'Give me that gun'. (pistol shot, click) 'Give me that gun'.
(pistol shot, click) 'Give me that gun'. (pistol shot, click) 'Give me that
gun'.
(pistol shot, click) Pre-recorded
SEAGOON 'Ahhhh! Hellpp!'
FX: Door opens, closes
SEAGOON (out of breath) Ah. Ah. I just got out in time.
BLOODNOK: (off) There he is! British Army, take aim, fire!
GRAMS: Machine-gun fire, barrage
SEAGOON (over) No, no, no! Hellppp!
FX: Door opens
GRAMS: Pre-recorded Moriarty: (slight echo) 'Aho, he's back,
Grytpype. Fire!' Pistol shot. Neddie (simile) 'Owwww!' Door opens. ( Bloodnok
(pre-recorded) 'He's out again! Fire!!' Machine-gun fire. Seagoon (over)
'Owwww!' Door opens. Moriarty: 'He's back, Grytpype. Fire!!' Pistol shot.
Neddie (simile) 'Owwww!' Door opens. Bloodnok (pre-recorded) 'He's out again!
Fire!!' Machine-gun fire. Seagoon (over) 'Owwww!' Door opens. Moriarty: 'He's
back, Grytpype. Fire!!' Pistol shot. Neddie (simile) 'Owwww!' Door opens. (3))
Bloodnok: 'There he is again, lads! Let him have it!' Machine-gun fire. Seagoon
'Oowwww!' Door opens. Moriarty: (slightly speeded-up): 'Here he comes again,
Grytpype! Fire!' Pistol shot. Seagoon (slightly speeded-up) 'Owwww!' Door
opens. Bloodnok: (fast) 'There he is! Fire!!' Machine-gun fire. Seagoon (fast)
'Owwww!' Door opens. Sequence repeats, very fast, under
GREENSLADE: (over) And there we
leave Neddie at present, trapped between the British Army and a loaded record.
And frankly, I don't think much of his chances of ever getting to the
tiddleywinks match.
SEAGOON It's a lie, I'll be there, Phil, I'll be there with my
... my lads here, we'll be doing fine ...
BLOODNOK: Aye ahoho.
SEAGOON ... won't we? Ohoho. (fades)
GREENSLADE: Ah, yes.
FX: Door closes
GREENSLADE: Which reminds me ...
FX: Phone off hook
GREENSLADE: Hello? Spon Insurance Company? Thank you.
I'd like to take out a ten thousand pound life insurance policy on Neddie
Seagoon. (pause, aside) Yes, it's all in the mind, you know.
ORCHESTRA: 'Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead'
GREENSLADE: (over) That was The Goon Show, a BBC
recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan,
with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally
Stott. Script by Larry Stephens. Announcer: Wallace Greenslade. The program
produced by Roy Speer.
ORCHESTRA: (Playout (3)).