GOON SHOW: TLO 40052
8TH SERIES: No 4
BROADCAST: 21 Oct 1957
Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC.
The all leather Goon Show presents ‘The Great Regent’s Park Swim’.
ORCHESTRA: ‘Stately-Homes-of-England’
style introduction.
GRAMS: Traffic
noise. Tooting horns. Add in jet fighters swooping low.
GREENSLADE:
SEAGOON: What! What! What! What!
What! What! What! What! What! What! Eeiogh what? Where’s my leather speaking
trumpet? (Megaphone) Hello folks.
He-ello folks. Calling folks. I’m not lying in the gutter, I’m standing in it.
It just looks as though I’m lying.
GREENSLADE: Yes. You look like a liar.
SEAGOON: What! What! What!
What! What! What! Just for that I shall do an impersonation of a car
approaching.
GRAMS: Approaching
car. Squeal of tyres. Car stops.
SEAGOON: Even as I spoke a
door drew up.
FX: Car door opens.
YAKAMOTO: Aaah! Are you Neddie
Sleagoon?
SEAGOON: Yes. I’m Nleddie
Sleagoon.
YAKAMOTO: Aahio! Will you
please accept invitlation from thlis German scientist.
SEAGOON: I’ll come along –
just to find out what you’re saying.
YAKAMOTO: Aah, please Neddie,
please. Jump into this river and I will dlag you there.
GRAMS: Large
splash. Car driving away at speed.
GREENSLADE: Scene two. A piece
of string on the floor of the Eidelberger laboratory.
GRAMS: Pots
bubbling at a variety of pitches.
EIDELBERGER: Ah ha ha-ha, ha-ha
ho.
YAKAMOTO: Ha ha ha-ha ho!
EIDELBERGER: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha wha
ha ho!
YAKAMOTO: Ha ha ha-ha ho!
EIDELBERGER: Yakamoto, in this
test tube I have succeeded in creating life from inanimate matter!
YAKAMOTO: Ooh boy!
EIDELBERGER: Now, I will just
add a dash of thin people’s herbs, two spoonfuls of instant liquorice, and a soupcon
of Alistair’s horse-oils.
GRAMS: Swell
noise of bubbling.
EIDELBERGER: That’s given it
something to think about. Now, pour out the gooey paste into this blue serge
suit.
GRAMS: The
sound of lumps of a sticky substance dropped into a container.
EIDELBERGER: Ahh! Put this
stethoscope on it and listen.
ECCLES: (Muffled) There’s a smile on my face
for
the whole human race,
(Full
voice) It’s almost like being insane!
EIDELBERGER: Curses!! We have
invented Eccles.
ECCLES: Ooh! Taa.
EIDELBERGER: Run for it!
GRAMS: Feet
running away at speed.
CRUN: (Approaching) Hoh hum yawow eighoy…
ECCLES: Ooh, thank you. Oh,
hello Mister... He…ello Mister Crun!
CRUN: Oh. Hello modern Eccles.
You’re looking well, modern Eccles.
ECCLES: Yeah. I’ve just
been invented.
CRUN: Oooh!
ECCLES: Ho-oh! (Singing) Hum a dla ha dla-ha ha!
dha ha dha ha-ha dlum.
CRUN: Ah, steady Eccles.
Steady modern Eccles…
ECCLES: What? Ah I don’t
care if I do… (Improv)
CRUN: Stop doing that
Eccles. Now, just step inside this tiger.
ECCLES: (Brightly) OK!
GRAMS: Tiger
growls. Sound of swallowing.
ECCLES: (Distant. With echo) Ooh! It’s dark in
this tiger. I wonder where the light switch is?
CRUN: Modern Eccles – poor
modern ignorant fellow that he is, doesn’t know that this is only
eighteen-thirty and the elecetric lighting inside tigers has not been invented
yet.
ECCLES: (Distant as before) He-ello! He-e-ello-o!
Anybody else in the tiger?
SEAGOON: (With echo) Yes. Pardon me my good man,
could you tell me the way out of this tiger?
ECCLES: Take the lift to
the third floor, past the BBC censor’s office.
SEAGOON: Thank you.
FX: Door opens.
CRUN: Ah! It’s Seagoon
out of tiger by jove. Welcome to the Eidelberger Foundation laboratory. We want
you to take part in a vital, useless, government-type experiment.
SEAGOON: I’ll do anything
for my useless country.
CRUN: Right. Spike
Milligoon?
SPIKE: Yes, buddy?
CRUN: Have you finished
playing the part of Yakamoto?
SPIKE: Yes, boy.
CRUN: Then take the part
of modern Min!
BANNISTER: Ok buddy. (Sings) Boh boh boh boooh…
CRUN: Now modern Min,
give Mister Seagoon the tube of green liquid to swallow.
BANNISTER: Come on, hot Henry.
SEAGOON: (Swallowing noises) Ghmmm, Gurogh ghhgh.
Hmm…ARGHHH! What was it!?
CRUN: Ah, if only we
knew.
SEAGOON: What? It might be
poison. I demand to see my landlord.
CRUN: Ah, Mister
Seacroon, so that we can observe the effect of the green liquid,. kindly stand
in this bucket of boiled dungarees.
SEAGOON: Anything for
CRUN: Min, get ready to
take all this down.
BANNISTER: Alright.
SEAGOON: I’ll hope the dawn…
GRAMS: Two
hand grenade explosions.
CRUN: Eleven o’clock,
both ears exploded.
GRAMS: A
pair of bedsprings.
CRUN: Eleven one, braces
burst at the knees.
SEAGOON: You fiend! I can’t
live with my trousers round my ankles.
CRUN: Why not?
SEAGOON: My legs might fall
down. Oh, the embarrassment of this is beyond…
FX: Set of false teeth in metal bucket.
CRUN: Eleven three,
choppers fell out.
SEAGOON: (Gummy) I’ll never play the Palladium
again.
BANNISTER: Never mind, here’s
Max Gelsop to play it for you.
SEAGOON: Round the back for
the old brandy there.
GRAMS: Boots
running away.
MAX GELDRAY – ‘No One Ever Tells You’ [1]
GREENSLADE: That was Max Geldray,
the well known carpenter and joiner. By the way, listeners are not obliged to
laugh at that as it was a personal matter twixt Geldray and the cast. Part
three – all day long Mister Crun experimented to discover what effect his green
liquid had had on Neddie.
FX: Pistol shot.
SEAGOON: YOAW! Five hundred!
CRUN: Oh. It hasn’t made
him bullet proof Minnie.
BANNISTER: What a pity.
SEAGOON: Where’s my speaking
trumpet? (Megaphone) Hello folks!
Calling folks! Send for the police folks. I’ll never last the show out like
this folks. HEELP!
FX: Door opens.
EIDELBERGER: Ah, here Crun. We
will take over from you.
YAKAMOTO: Yes. Leave Sleagoon
to us.
CRUN: Oh, right.
FX: (Quill scratching on paper – continue under.)
CRUN: I, Henry Crun,
leave Seagoon to Yakamoto and Eidel. Thank you.
EIDELBERGER: Right. Now grab
Seagoon and into the tank with him.
EIDELBERGER & YAKAMOTO: (Effort) Huh!
SEAGOON: Argh!
GRAMS: Body
hitting water. Swimming into the distance.
YAKAMOTO: Oh boy! Oh look!
Neddie Seagoon ah not ah-sinking.
EIDELBERGER: So that’s what the
green liquid was! Yakamoto, we have invented swimming!
ORCHESTRA: Tatty
chord in C.
SEAGOON: Huh – swimming?
Snatching up a bottle of green liquid I set off the achieve my lifelong
ambition, namely running along with a bottle of green liquid.
GRAMS: Pair
of boots running. Gradually speed up. (Continue under.)
GREENSLADE: (Over) Ah, Mister Seagoon, if I were you
I’d patent that idea.
SEAGOON: (Over) You’re right! Then when the idea
catches on I can charge royalties every time they run along with a bottle of
green liquid. SUCCESS!
GRAMS: Coconut
shells – galloping. Slow down at end.
SEAGOON: What a bit of luck.
Here comes a horse drawn patents-office.
SPRIGGS: Woooooah! Ooh Jim. (Sings) Ooh Jim! Step into the waiting
room, Jim.
FX: Door opens. Door closes.
SEAGOON: Gad! There in the
corner of a foreign field surrounded by flies, was…
ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok
theme.
GRAMS: Massed
flies buzzing.
BLOODNOK: Oooooah! Oh dear,
oh dear! Curse these flies. Dear, dear, dear! How can these naturalist magazines publish pictures like these! I shall
be glad when my ten-year subscription runs out, I tell you. I must remember to
have these copies bound in brown leather and labelled “A History of the English Speaking Peoples”.
SEAGOON: Uoagh uoagh! Er, pardon
me.
BLOODNOK: Egad, a man wearing
clothes.
SEAGOON: Yes. I must be the
only fully clad naturalist in the world.
BLOODNOK: It must be hell in
there. What is your name?
SEAGOON: Neddie Seagoon.
BLOODNOK: Neddie Seagoon!? I…I…
I didn’t recognise you.
SEAGOON: Why?
BLOODNOK: I’ve never seen you
before. [2]
SEAGOON: Oh, so that’s why.
Well, if you must know, I’m Miriam Potts nephew.
BLOODNOK: Miriam Potts?
Ahoooieugh! Ahoooieugh! The darling of
PIANO: (Introduction
arpeggios)
BLOODNOK: (Sings) We waltzed the whole night
through
The
‘Curry and Rice’ waltz with you.
It’s
really hot stuff.
It’s
better than the old duff
and
the English-Irish stew.
It’s
the ideal waltz for two
sailing
along in the blue.
I
say let’s dance forever
and
don’t answer “Never”
the
‘Curry and Rice’ waltz with you! [3]
FX: Telephone rings. Handpiece lifts.
BLOODNOK: Hello? Thank you!
FX: Receiver slams down.
SEAGOON: Who was that?
BLOODNOK: A recording
company.
SEAGOON: Really?
BLOODNOK: Yes. They wanted to
know the time. I’m going to write and tell them you know.
SEAGOON: But by the time
they get it, it will be too late.
BLOODNOK: I shall give them
tomorrows time.
SEAGOON: I see! Well, what
is that long brown parcel you’ve got in your long brown bathing suit?
BLOODNOK: Ah, it’s something
that I have invented.
SEAGOON: What!?
BLOODNOK:
SEAGOON: What a stroke of
luck! With that canal and this bottle of green liquid, I can swim across it
without using a bridge, and any revenues from it I’ll split in two and keep
both.
BLOODNOK: Well, one doesn’t
get an offer like that every day. Very well, at dawn tonight you start training
for the great
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic
link.
GRYTPYPE: Did you hear that
Moriarty?
MORIARTY: Yes, it went… (sings link) ‘Bah bah bah baaa!’
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty, we’ve got
to stop Seagoon swimming.
MORIARTY: Sapristi bezonika
dowser,[4] explain.
GRYTPYPE: Well, I’ve just
invented the word ‘help’ for people who are drowning. If Seagoon markets
swimming, my word ‘help’ is worthless.
MORIARTY: I tell you, Neddie
will not swim the
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic
link.
SEAGOON: Did you hear that
Bloodnok?
BLOODNOK: Yes, it went… (sing link) ‘Bum bum ba-la-loh’.
SEAGOON: (Megaphone) Hello folks. Calling folks.
I’m about to start training for my perilous swim across Regents canal. Hup…!
GRAMS: Body
falling into water.
BLOODNOK: And so saying he
dove into a field containing Rage Ellington. Go on Rage, play those early
naughty Goon Show melodies.
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET – “Swaller Tail Coat.”[5]
GREENSLADE: ‘The Great Regent’s
Park Swim’ part two. In preparation… (surprised)
OH!
GRAMS: Body
falling into water.
SEAGOON: That got rid of
him, folks. (Gloats) Hm hmmm! Now, in
preparation for the swim I swum the
GRYTPYPE: Did you hear that
Moriarty?
MORIARTY: Yes. It was
Macbeth.
GRYTPYPE: Ignorant swine, it
was Shakespeare.
MORIARTY: Aooowwwwww!
GRYTPYPE: Stop aowing you
fool. You’ll have us both out of this tree.
MORIARTY: But they can’t turn
us out of this tree. We’ve paid the rent in advance.
GRYTPYPE: Well stop waving
that crow in my face.
MORIARTY: He’s our landlord.
GRYTPYPE: Oh. It wasn’t worth
him blacking up for the part, was it. Now, try and locate Neddie. Erm,
Moriarty, hand me my telescope.
MORIARTY: There.
GRYTPYPE: Thank you. Now the
salt.
GRAMS: Loud
chewing and crunching.
GRYTPYPE: (Swallows) Ah, now I can see him. Dashed
strange – he’s going into the zoo, through the tigers entrance. Moriarty, put
on this tiger skin.
MORIARTY: Right.
ORCHESTRA: Sinister
chords.
WILLIUM: Now er, Mister
Seacroon, you want a vacant cage with a tiger bowl?
SEAGOON: That is correct
Mister Zoo-keeper, and if anyone wants me, I’ll be wearing this tiger disguise.
You see, I don’t want to take any chances before the big swim.
WILLIUM: Yer. Well, we ain’t
got an empty cage but you can share this one with our
SEAGOON: Fair enough. (Going off) Call me at six.
WILLIUM: Right.
FX: Cage door slams shut.
SEAGOON: (Megaphone) He-eello folks! I’m speaking
to you now from inside the tiger skin. From now on I shall only speak in thinks
bubbles so that the
ECCLES: (Muffled, with echo) Hello? Hello? Dat
you Neddie?
SEAGOON: Thinks – “Yes, it’s
me Eccles”.
ECCLES: Then why don’t you
answer me?
SEAGOON: Thinks – “Because I
only talk in thinks bubbles”.
ECCLES: Oh! Well how can I
see thinks bubbles when I’m inside this
SEAGOON: Thinks – “Well open
a window”.
FX: Window sliding up.
ECCLES: (Echo stops) Ah, now I can see them.
SEAGOON: Thinks – “Thanks.
Well, now you’ve opened a window, why don’t you get out?”
ECCLES: What!? The moment I
climb out of this tiger he’d attack me. I know when I’m well off.
SEAGOON: When?
ECCLES: When I’ve got
money.
ORCHESTRA: Tatty
chord in C
GREENSLADE: Meanwhile at the
main entrance, we find a man leading a rather mangey, moth-eaten tiger.
GRYTPYPE: Keep up the
growling Moriarty.
MORIARTY: (Growling) Owwww. Oww oww oww wowww!
ZOO
KEEPER:
I’m sorry lads, we’re closed.
GRYTPYPE: Look here my good
man, it is imperative that I house my tiger here tonight. You see it’s his
evening off and I want him to spend it among friends.
ZOO
KEEPER:
Well, we’ll squeeze him into this tigers cage here.
GRYTPYPE: (Low) In you go Moriarty. Keep growling.
FX: Cage door shuts.
MORIARTY: (Growls) Owowow! Now to destroy Seagoon
and that silly tiger skin.
GRAMS: Tiger
growls. Continue under.
MORIARTY: Ah, it’s no good
you growling like that at me. I know you’re a phoney Seagoon. Hahahahoohoo!
I’ve got you in my power I tell you. You can do a very good imitation of a tiger
and that growling, but I know the truth. There’s only me and you in this tiger
cage, in imitation tiger skins I tell you. Hahahahoo! I tell you I’m…What?
GREENSLADE: Ladies and
gentlemen, listeners are warned that the sound of this scene is unsuitable for
children.
MORIARTY: What? Wha..! Why?
Why? Why is it unsuitable?
GREENSLADE: Because sir, that
animal that you’re attacking is not Neddie but a genuine
MORIARTY: (Panic) AHHHHHHHAHIYE! AHHH! (Continues
under.)
GRYTPYPE: Steady Moriarty!
MORIARTY: Ahhhiya ahhhiya!
GRYTPYPE: Steady Moriarty,
you know that I charge a thousand pounds for using my invention, namely the
word ‘help’.
GRAMS: Tiger
growls increase in volume.
MORIARTY: (Screams) Aaahhiye! … &c
SEAGOON: What a bit of luck
folks! Whilst the
BLOODNOK: Ahh Neddie! What a
heroic sight you are in your wicker-work bathing costume and leather life-belt.
Now Neddie, are you ready to dive in?
SPRIGGS: Yes! (Sings) Just a moment Ji-im. Just a
minute! A moment I pra-ay!
SEAGOON: It’s singing Jim
Spriggs, yodelling piano player by appointment to the coal board.
SPRIGGS: Silence Jim. You
can’t swim… (sings) You can’t swi-im…
You can’t swim in the canal today.
SEAGOON: What! (sings) Wha-aaaat!
BLOODNOK: Let me say that
would you? (sings) Wha-a-a-a-a-at?
SPRIGGS: You cannot swim
today because I’ve invented this sign saying ‘No swimming on Mondays’.
SEAGOON: Curses! Foiled by
Monday!
BLUEBOTTLE: (Approaching) No no no! I shall save you
captain. Enter Bluebottle with washboard and mums new skiffle-type draws.
SEAGOON: Blim blam blom!
It’s the well known Finchley lad, heavily protected against the wind with
newspaper stuffed in the cracks in his spectacles.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes. I have come to
save you from Monday. Neddie my captain, my lovely little captain. Raises in
ecstasy onto tips of toes, bringing little knots into play on back of legs –
knots, knots, knots. In this position I will now skiffle. Sings –
“You’re nothing but a hound dog,
(woof, woof)
you’re
nothing but a hound dog, (woof, woof,)
you’re
nothing but a…”
FX: Lump of wood on crust.
BLUEBOTTLE: (Pain) Ohi hoi! Who threw that mangle in
my ear hole?
SEAGOON: It was me. It
belonged to my mother. Now, explain – how can you save me from not swimming on
a Monday?
BLUEBOTTLE: Monday has gone.
SEAGOON: Why? How?
BLUEBOTTLE: I just invented
Tuesdays.
SPRIGGS: WHAT? Let me see
Jim.
BLUEBOTTLE: Here it is Jim.
SPRIGGS: Wait a minute Jim.
This is a square. Tuesday is oblong.
BLUEBOTTLE: I haven’t finished
it yet.
FX: Mallet on lump of iron.
BLUEBOTTLE: There you are – a
perfectly straight Tuesday.
SEAGOON: Hurrah! Saved by a
little lad of tender years and tough boots.
BLOODNOK: Right Neddie. Now
drink your green liquid and swim!
GRYTPYPE: Hands up all of
you. Bloodnok, drop that
FX: Lump of iron falls on concrete.
GRYTPYPE: And I warn you,
nobody shout ‘help’. That is a word I have just invented and will cost anybody
five hundred pounds to use. Now, give me that green liquid. Right now Neddie,
into the canal!
SEAGOON: Ah! But I can’t swim
without that green liquid. I…ahhhh!
GRAMS: Body
in water.
SEAGOON: (Distant) You swine, you pushed me in.
HELP!
GRYTPYPE: Out you come Ned. To
using the word ‘help’ – five hundred pounds.
FX: Cash register – money in drawer.
GRYTPYPE: Thank you.
SEAGOON: Wait! Wait! But I…
GRAMS: Body
into water.
SEAGOON: (Distant) HEEELP!
GRYTPYPE: Out you come
Neddie. To using the word ‘help’ – another
five hundred pounds.
FX: Cash register – money in drawer.
GRYTPYPE: I thank you.
SEAGOON: But look here, I…
GRAMS: Body
into water.
SEAGOON: (Distant) You swine! You pushed me in.
HEEELP!
GRYTPYPE: Out you come
Neddie. To using the word ‘help’ another five hundred pounds.
FX: Cash register – money in drawer.
GRYTPYPE: Thank you.
SEAGOON: Wait, but I…
GRAMS: (Recording
– speeded up) Body falls into water.
SEAGOON:
You swine! You pushed me in. HEEELP!
GRYTPYPE: Out you
come Neddie. To using the word ‘help’, another five hundred.
FX: Cash register.
GRYTPYPE: Thank you.
GRAMS: Body in water.
SEAGOON: HEEELP!
GRYTPYPE: Out you
come Neddie.
SEAGOON: Hello folks. Thank
heavens that was only a recording otherwise I might have drowned. I….huh…
GRAMS: (
GRYTPYPE: Now, good heavens –
what has happened to him?
LITTLE
JIM:
He’s fallen in the water.
GRYTPYPE: Well said little
Jim. Saved by a catch phrase.
ORCHESTRA: End
theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon
Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike
Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra
conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens,
announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Charles Chiltern.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.
[1] By Carroll Coates and Hub Atwood. It was one of the numbers on Frank Sinatra’s new record “A Swingin’ Affair” recorded in 1956 and released the following year.
[2] Milligan very often recycled lines he fancied. This one was a repeat of a line he had first tried in ‘The Missing Boa Constrictor” (24/7).
[3] This little gem was undoubtedly composed by Milligan. Check for similarities with ‘The Rock and Roll Waltz’ – Kay Starr with the Hugo Winterhalter Orchestra. 30 March 1956 hit the charts.
[4] Milligan fudges the line. He then ad libs; “What! I couldn’t have written that.”
[5] According to Chappell & Co. the words and music were both by Bob Miller.