GOON SHOW: TLO 51440
8TH SERIES: No 26
Script by Spike Milligan & John Antrobus
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC.
FX: Penny in mug.
GREENSLADE: Even the smallest contributions will be gratefully received. Cheques should be made out to Mr. W. Greenslade in the plain wrappers.
SEAGOON: Greenslade, take off those dark glasses and put that match tray down.
GREENSLADE: I’m sorry Mr. Seagoon, it’s the recession you know. It’s not my fault.
SEAGOON: I’ll tell you what is your fault.
GREENSLADE: What’s that sir?
SEAGOON: That big fat steaming belly of yours.
GREENSLADE: There is no steam in my belly sir.
SEAGOON: No steam in your belly! Unbutton your waistcoat.
GRAMS: Sudden burst of steam.
GREENSLADE: Good heavens.
SEAGOON: And sing this well known phrase.
GREENSLADE: (sings) I’m a little daffodil. (Speaking) And it’s pronounced -
GRAMS: (Recording) MILLIGAN: (sings) I’m a little daffodil.
SEAGOON: Next, read the Sanskrit writing-writting on this piece of char.
GREENSLADE: Well it’s awfully long. Could I have some music behind it please?
SEAGOON: My dear friend Webster Smogule will oblige.
SMOGULE: Thank you. (megaphone) (Sings) Ohh oh eohhh. (&c Continue under)
GREENSLADE: An excerpt from the
daily press dated the fourth of March; ‘A statue of King James 2nd
is to be removed from
OMES: Political rhubarbs
MINISTER 1: The establishment of the drains in Hackney and the one percent on the leather supports for aged gentlemen…
MINISTER 8: What about the drains?
MINISTER 1: The one percent on the leather support for aged gentlemen…
MINISTER 2: Don’t do it in here. Go outside.
MINISTER 1: Oh, if only he’d have said that sooner.
PRIME MINISTER SEAGOON: Disgusting!
the mangle factory along the
PRIME MINISTER SEAGOON: Splendid maiden speech.
MINISTER 2: Are you questioning his sex madam?
MINISTER SPRIGGS: Please gentlemen, don’t spon the splue. I have to clean up afterwards.
PRIME MINISTER SEAGOON: Proles!
MINISTER 2: Please remember where you are.
PRIME MINISTER SEAGOON: I’m afraid I can’t.
MINISTER 2: This is the House of Commons.
PRIME MINISTER SEAGOON: Oh dear. I’d better get out.
MINISTER 2: Why?
PRIME MINISTER SEAGOON: I’m only an assistant draper in Kensington.
MINISTER 1: Er, have you any oddments?
GRAMS: Political hubbub.
GREENSLADE: (over) Please gentlemen silence. Silence please. Please, I insist. I’m trying to get some sleep. S – L – double E – P, pronounced…
GRAMS: (Recording) MILLIGAN: Sleeeeeeeeep!
CORNISHMAN: Me ‘orn arn nikka-noo,
conn lawlyn quardle cupkey lard dic parganoo. Oh, ahh-ar-arrgh! Argh! Dick set black get
PRIME MINISTER SEAGOON: We should have been told sooner!
MINISTER 2: Don’t worry sir. You soon will be.
PRIME MINISTER SEAGOON: Gad!
MINISTER 2: Ta!
MINISTER SPRIGGS: Yabukkakarkka! Pronounced…
GRAMS: (Recording. Higher speed) MINISTER SPRIGGS: Yabukkakarkka!
PRIME MINISTER SEAGOON: There seems to be some strong feeling about this. The house will divide.
GRAMS: Splitting noise.
PRIME MINISTER SEAGOON: The ayes have it. The no’s don’t. The legs are unsupported.
MILLIGAN: (megaphone) Hello folks. Hello. With
debates like this
FX: Water splashing.
LORD HAILSHAM: Honourable members, after several years of careful planning, plonning and plinning which includes the publication of ten white papers, two brown papers, three puce and a leather volume on nutting part three. In view of this I resign. Taxi! Drive me to the House of Lords.
GRAMS: Taxi speeds away. Crash of brick wall falling. Taxi speeds off.
SEAGOON: Gentlemen, bad news. The leather statue of James the second is to be replaced with a compressed tobacco one of Walter Raleigh.
GRAMS: Enormous raspberry. (Fred the oyster)
SEAGOON: Get that ginger group out of here.
MINISTER 4: As independent member for Tom Nurgler’s hat I must know what is the reason for removing James the second.
MINISTER 2: He is dead sir.
MINISTER 4: I was referring to his stature which is still alive.
GREENSLADE: Long live the statue of James the second.
SEAGOON: Gentlemen please. We’re getting away from the subject namely the statue of Walter Raleigh.
MINISTER 5: I don’t see the point of putting a statue of Prince [Monable] in Trafalgar Station.
SEAGOON: I keep telling you Madam, the statue is of Sir Walter Raleigh.
MINISTER 5: Subtleties will get you nowhere.
SEAGOON: I never travel by
subtleties. I wouldn’t know where they get you. Ha ha ha ha ha! (Laughs &c) A-hem. Now sir, next
week for one week only,
AUSTRALIAN REPRESENTATIVE: Well, I should like to tell you as leader for the opposition, I would like to do all in my brown power to have it removed sir. I’d like to say that here and now. Thanks.
SEAGOON: What! I insist it be put back. Are trying to do me out of a job? What’s the matter with you then?
GREENSLADE: The House will adjourn -
MINISTER 3: (Oh good. Tea. Come on.)
GREENSLADE: … and members are advised to do likewise. And through a rent in the seat of his trousers I see Max ‘Conk’ Geldray attempting to escape into the foyer.
GREENSLADE: And now the Great Statue debate part two. One – two! Like that.
SEAGOON: During the recess I sat in my chamber fuming, one of the few luxuries I still allowed myself. Sir Hock?
THROAT: Yes sir.
SEAGOON: How dare they oppose a statue of Sir Walter Raleigh. Or to put it another way, how dare they oppose a statue of Walter Raleigh. Now you can go.
FX: Door slams.
SEAGOON: Now, being a member of the ginger group I must take my powder ginger. (Gulps)
GRAMS: Explosion. Strength 5
FX: Door opens quickly.
BLOODNOK: Ohh ohhh oh! Was that you?
BLOODNOK: Thank heavens. I thought it was me.
SEAGOON: Major Bloodnok. Everyone stand for the anthem.
ORCHESTRA: Sudden timpani note. Hold under. Solemn hymn-like version of Bloodnok theme.
GRAMS: Explosions. Strength 7
BLOODNOK: Thank you. Now Neddie, just hold the other end of this military sock would you.
FX: Blacksmith hammering on iron pieces.
BLOODNOK: (Singing) Ah dee dee dee! Oh, they do take some straightening out don’t they.
SEAGOON: What’s this arrow on the sole?
BLOODNOK: That’s the direction they go. I trust them implicitly. They were in the mutiny you know. Wait a moment! Oh ah oough! Where’s my old photographs? There’s somebody inside them! Hand me that tree.
FX: Swish of branch.
MORIARTY: Awwww! I’ve been socked.
BLOODNOK: Great leaping crabs! It’s a - What is it?!
MORIARTY: You’ve struck the last of a long line of Thynne – Moriarty. I challenge you to a dual. Ten paces and fire.
FX: Two rapid pistol shots.
MORIARTY: Ahh! Honour is satisfied.
BLOODNOK: And so am I.
MORIARTY: Ta. Allow me to present my latest credentials.
BLOODNOK: Oh, they’re a bit crutty aren’t they? However I’ll play them on this new hygienic gramophone.
GRAMS: (Recording – slightly speeded up) GRYTPYPE: Hello. Hello. Hello. Moriarty record. Moriarty record. The owner of these credentials is the great French steamer Count Jim ‘Tiger-Nuts’ …
GRAMS: Spring bonnnng.
GRYTPYPE: … Moriarty, dustbin extraordinary and lady in
SEAGOON: The voice came from a tall handsome nut-strewn man carrying a tin grudge and wheeling a tom cat.
GRYTPYPE: And this is me off the record.
SEAGOON: What?! State your business.
GRYTPYPE: I am sir Hercules Grytpype etcetera, etcetera, owner of the houses of Parliament.
SEAGOON: Ha! Our landlord. Well, I’m very pleased to meet you.
GRYTPYPE: Good, good, good. Here’s an eviction notice.
SEAGOON: No thanks. I’m trying to give them up.
GRYTPYPE: I’m giving you seven doors to get out. O – U – T pronounced,
GRAMS: (Recording – speeded up) GRYTPYPE: Out!
GREENSLADE: Meantime, back in the house of commons.
GRAMS: Pub brawl. Screams. Smashing glass. Police cars screeching up. Police whistles.
MINISTER 5: (Rubbish)
GRAMS: Brawl stops immediately.
SEAGOON: Members of parliament, we’ve been given notice to quit.
MINISTER 5: Quick! Repeal the rent act!
GRYTPYPE: Too late. Out you go!
GRAMS: Chopin Funeral March. Heavy footsteps of massed funeral cortege.
OMNES: (In imitation) Ooooooooo!
MacGOONICAL: Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!
OMNES: (In imitation) Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!
MacGOONICAL: (Lame jazz) Oh oh oh oh ohoh oh, oh oh ohoh oh!
OMNES: (In imitation) Oh oh oh oh ohoh oh, oh oh ohoh oh!
MacGOONICAL: Oooh! They’re with me tonight.
What a terrible sight to see The houses of parliament without an MP. And oh, how they wandered through the snowy night. It was enough to give of them a fright.
so they reached
Where they were stopped by a copper’s nark.
SEAGOON: To carry on members, the position is this –
WILLIUM: Come on now, come along! Move along there mates. No kipping in the park allowed.
SEAGOON: I say. Alright lads. Alright, settle down. I’ll speak to him. A-hem. Now constable, how dare you speak …
FX: Fist into punching bag.
WILLIUM: Got ‘im, right on his old conservative nut. Now, move along there.
GRAMS: Jewish wailing
WILLIUM: No singing allowed I tell ‘ee. Alright, I’ll have to take your names. Now where’s my hairy notebook? Here it is under this guardsman. Now then, name?
SEAGOON: Sir Harold McSeagoon MP.
WILLIUM: Ain’t you got a full signed job then? Cor, funny that. Ha ha!
SEAGOON: (Unimpressed) Ha ha ha!
WILLIUM: Now that’s done it now, that has mate. In you goes all on ya’. To the old station!
GRAMS: Further wailing. Horse hooves gallop off.
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK DETERIORATES INTO CORNY OFF-KEY CHORD.
CRUN: Thank you C division band. And now -
FX: Gavel on bench
CRUN: … the first case - the Crown verses Charlie Crippen.
BANNISTER: We’ve done him, legal Crun.
CRUN: Oh! Have we legal Min? Oh, the next – the Crown verses the Houses of Parliament.
BANNISTER: What’s the charge?
GREENSLADE: Loittery with intent to govern, me ‘lud.
CRUN: Where is the
SEAGOON: Over here.
CRUN: Oh. Yoo hoo!
SEAGOON: Yoo hoo!
GREENSADE: Members of the
jury, you have just heard the evidence ‘Yoo hoo’. Have you reached a decision?
MILLIGAN: Yes. We want to go home.
GREENSLADE: Oh, but what of the prisoners?
GRYTPYPE: Guilty me ‘lud.
SEAGOON: You swine Grytpype.
GRYTPYPE: You passed the act, chum.
SEAGOON: Don’t worry folks. Hello folks. Don’t worry folks. I’m over here folks.
CRUN: Yoo hoo!
SEAGOON: It’s alright folks. The Minister of Transport made available to us a number one hundred and thirty-eight tram which the government boarded at the Elephant and Castle.
GREENSLADE: And so Parliament was reassembled.
SEAGOON: Yes. It was wonderful to hear the opening speech.
MINISTER 6: (Antediluvian) Members of Parliament…
FX: Tram bell
MINISTER 6: … hold tight.
GRAMS: Racing car roaring off at speed.
SPRIGGS: Hon’ members. Hon’ mem – beeeeers! Hello Jims. We’ll take up the agenda where we left off, left ooohhhh – off!
SEAGOON: The statue of the
leather statue will be removed tomorrow and the hand rolled tobacco statue of
CONDUCTRESS: Fares please!
SEAGOON: … the dustmen’s uniforms will be…
CONDUCTRESS: Fares please. Do you mind, cheeky.
SEAGOON: See the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
SPRIGGS: Yes Jim. Five
hundred and thirty-three tickets to
CONDUCTRESS: Five hundred and forty-three tickets did you say?
GRAMS: (Recording. Start at normal speed and gradually speed up.) CONDUCTRESS: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen (&c and fade.)
ECCLES: Anybody sitting here?
SEAGOON: Get off you spotty ‘erbert. This is a private tram.
ECCLES: Ooo good. I like travelling in private.
SEAGOON: Hurl this man in the direction of out.
ECCLES: You touch me and you’ll see what you’ll get.
SEAGOON: Run for it! He’s got measles!
ECCLES: Come back I tell you!
GRAMS: Shrieking crowd. Departing boots. Fade into distance.
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC CHORDS
GREENSLADE: The scene – the measles ward of the Battersea Dog’s Hospital.
GRAMS: Massed dogs.
BLOODNOK: Nurse! Nurse! Oh nurse. The screens. The screens nurse. Oh oh-oh! Get that tree away from my bed will you.
BANNISTER: Coming. Coming. Coming.
BLOODNOK: (Enema time) Oh hooough! Oh hooooough! Oh dear! Ho hooo hough! Oh ho hooooooo! Oh hohohohoho ho ho ho ho hoooo! That’s better.
SEAGOON: Please Major. Do you mind? We’re trying to hold a meeting of Parliament over here. Now gentlemen, about this statue.
GREENSLADE: Mister Seagoon. The show is under running. Could we spread it out a bit more?
SEAGOON: (Very slowly) Gen – tle – men! Wee’rre haaaaviiiing aaaa moooomeeeeent at ooour lou-ouuuuur…..
SPRIGGS: (Very, very slowly) Yeeeeeeeesss. Yoooooouuu’re riiiiiiiiiight. Yooooouuu arrrrrrrrre rrrrrrrriiiiiiight Jiiiiimmmmmm!
SEAGOON: Whhhhhooooooo oooootherrrrrrrr……(Disappears into obscurity)
GRAMS: Sound of enormous wooden wall groaning and sagging. Slow footsteps on gravel approaching. (Hold under)
GREENSLADE: I say, we weren’t really behind time. I told them a fib, and I must say I did enjoy it. And just to show the mood I’m in, I’m going to pop this paper bag.
FX: Paper bag bursts.
BLUEBOTTLE: Hey you swine. I was in there. Hello everybody.
GREENSLADE: What were you doing in my paper bag?
BLUEBOTTLE: I was doing my world famous impressions of wrapped fruit. Now for my encore, I would like to do my well known impression of Major Bloodnok.
GRAMS: Explosion – strength 5. Mix in enormous burst of air escaping. (Hold under.)
BLOODNOK: Oh hoo ho ho ho hough! The screens nurse! Quick, the screens. Oh!
GRAMS: Enthusiastic applause.
BLUEBOTTLE: I’m glad that you like the classics.
ECCLES: ‘Ello ‘Bottle.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh. Hello Eccles.
Where have you been all the week then? You wasn’t there at school, was you?
ECCLES: No. …er no. I know that.
BLUEBOTTLE: Who told you?
ECCLES: I went and looked through the school window and I wasn’t there. So I went home. And when I got back home guess what I happened.
BLUEBOTTLE: Erm, you saw Irene Groinge holding a twig.
ECCLES: Um – no.
BLUEBOTTLE: Um, I give up. I don’t know what happened.
ECCLES: Ohhh! Now I’ll never know.
BLUEBOTTLE: You twit of a child you. Just for that I give you Ray Ellington right in your lug ‘ole! Plunnie! Ray Ellington.
GREENSLADE: The Great Statue Debate, part three. The - (if you’ll pardon the expression) unveiling.
GRAMS: Brass band recording of ‘
SEAGOON: My dear friends, frands and fronds. Owing to a sculptor’s error I name this statue Mrs. Sir Walter Raleigh, and may all who sail in her … Wait a minute! There’s somebody under the unveiling sheet.
LALKAKA: Please do not alarm yourself. It is only those two sons of fun, Lalkaka and Banerjee transport company. Hooray.
BANERJEE: Hooray. This is indeed a very graphic description of the nature of our vocational activity you see.
LALKAKA: Chut chup.
SEAGOON: Chut chup to you too. Why have you got the statue in a push cart?
LALKAKA: Oh dear man. We were ordered to it.
BANERJEE: Yes, we were definitely ordered to do it you see.
WILLIUM: ‘Ere. You’ll all get run in if you don’t get a move on.
SEAGOON: It’s a copper!
WILLIUM: Aough! It’s the strolling politicians lot. Take that…
GRAMS: Belts on nut at varying pitches. Shouting in background.
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK
MacGOONICAL: And so the great trek began
Five hundred and thirty politicians and one man
Tramping the country, and at their head
An ordinary tobacco statue which was believed to be dead.
SEAGOON: Oh Hon’ members.
MINISTER 2: Ooo yes.
SEAGOON: Ooo, it’s no good. The plates! The plates! Oh! We must force an entry back into the houses of parliament.
MCMILLAIN: Yes, you’re quite
right of course. Here we are, the government of
GRYTPYPE: Did you hear that
MORIARTY: Only the words.
GYRTPYPE: Curse, and we don’t know the formula. Here, hold this piece of burnt rubber. Now, stand on your head in this bowl of knee-cap soup. Keep these stale fish bones clenched between your French knees, and tie this cheese knife to your ear at the same time strapping these glucose pencils around your ankles.
GRYTPYPE: Got it?
GRYTPYPE: There. (Romantically) I shall always remember you like that.
MORIARTY: Awwwwah! It’s wonderful to be in love again. Wait a minute, look! Here comes Neddie Seajoon on the British Government.
GRYTPYPE: Quick, unroll this luxury cardboard lounge.
GRAMS: Creaking cardboard unrolling.
GRYTPYPE: Hello Neddie. Inflate these rubber trousers and sit down.
SEAGOON: No thank you. I’m perfectly comfortable on this razorblade.
GRYTPYPE: Ho ho ho ho! I have
decided that you can have the houses of Parliament back provided you give us
the uncooked portion of
SEAGOON: But, but none of it’s cooked.
GRYTPYPE: Oooh. Then we shall have to eat it raw. Moriarty, the spoons!
GRAMS: (Recording) Brisk piano and spoons music hall number, with Moriarty on vocals.
SEAGOON: Thank you! And here
in return is the uncooked portion of
FX: Trash, (bottles, cans etc) being shovelled into container.
GRYTPYPE: Yes, that’s it Hon. Mem, just shovel it into this American safe deposit and here in return are the keys to Parliament.
GRAMS: Echoey turning of old fashioned key in lock.
SEAGOON: Ah! It’s great to be back.
MINISTER 7: Yes. That little sojourn taught all us politicians a lesson – no more wasting public time and money.
MINISTER 2: Yes, quite right – no more wasting public time and money. Now gentlemen, about this leather statue. I think it ought to face east.
SEAGOON: Don’t be silly. Think of where the moss would grow. Very uncomfortable you know…
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show, featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott; script by Spike Milligan , John Antrobus and Rabelais, announcer Wallace Greenslade; the programme was produced by Charles Chilton.
 John Antrobus (1933- ) is an English playwright and script editor, whose early career was encouraged by Milligan. Antrobus, who also suffered from depression, wrote “The Bed Sitting Room” (1963) with Milligan, as well as working with Johnny Speight on “The Frankie Howerd Show” (1956), provided material for “That Was the week that Was” as well as Milligan’s final radio series