GOON SHOW: TLO 51440
8TH SERIES: No 26
1st BROADCAST:
Script by Spike Milligan &
John Antrobus[1]
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC.
FX: Penny in mug.
GREENSLADE: Even the smallest
contributions will be gratefully received. Cheques should be made out to Mr. W.
Greenslade in the plain wrappers.
SEAGOON: Greenslade, take
off those dark glasses and put that match tray down.
GREENSLADE: I’m sorry Mr. Seagoon,
it’s the recession you know. It’s not my fault.
SEAGOON: I’ll tell you what
is your fault.
GREENSLADE: What’s that sir?
SEAGOON: That big fat
steaming belly of yours.
GREENSLADE: There is no steam
in my belly sir.
SEAGOON: No steam in your
belly! Unbutton your waistcoat.
GRAMS: Sudden burst of steam.
GREENSLADE: Good heavens.
SEAGOON: And sing this well
known phrase.
GREENSLADE: (sings) I’m a little daffodil. (Speaking) And it’s pronounced -
GRAMS: (Recording) MILLIGAN: (sings) I’m a little daffodil.
SEAGOON: Next, read the
Sanskrit writing-writting on this piece of char.
GREENSLADE: Well it’s awfully
long. Could I have some music behind it please?
SEAGOON: My dear friend
Webster Smogule will oblige.
SMOGULE: Thank you. (megaphone) (Sings) Ohh oh eohhh. (&c Continue under)
GREENSLADE: An excerpt from the
daily press dated the fourth of March; ‘A statue of King James 2nd
is to be removed from
OMES: Political rhubarbs
MINISTER
1:
The establishment of the drains in Hackney and the one percent on the leather
supports for aged gentlemen…
MINISTER
8:
What about the drains?
MINISTER
1:
The one percent on the leather support for aged gentlemen…
MINISTER
2:
Don’t do it in here. Go outside.
MINISTER
1: Oh,
if only he’d have said that sooner.
PRIME
MINISTER
SEAGOON: Disgusting!
MINISTER
1: Is
the mangle factory along the
PRIME
MINISTER
SEAGOON: Splendid maiden speech.
MINISTER
2:
Are you questioning his sex madam?
MINISTER
SPRIGGS:
Please gentlemen, don’t spon the splue. I have to clean up afterwards.
PRIME
MINISTER
SEAGOON: Proles!
MINISTER
2:
Please remember where you are.
PRIME
MINISTER
SEAGOON: I’m afraid I can’t.
MINISTER
2:
This is the House of Commons.
PRIME
MINISTER
SEAGOON: Oh dear. I’d better get
out.
MINISTER
2:
Why?
PRIME
MINISTER
SEAGOON: I’m only an assistant
draper in Kensington.
MINISTER
1:
Er, have you any oddments?
GRAMS: Political hubbub.
GREENSLADE: (over) Please
gentlemen silence. Silence please. Please, I insist. I’m trying to get some
sleep. S – L – double E – P, pronounced…
GRAMS: (Recording) MILLIGAN: Sleeeeeeeeep!
CORNISHMAN: Me ‘orn arn nikka-noo,
conn lawlyn quardle cupkey lard dic parganoo. Oh, ahh-ar-arrgh! Argh! Dick set black get
PRIME
MINISTER
SEAGOON: We should have been told
sooner!
MINISTER
2:
Don’t worry sir. You soon will be.
PRIME
MINISTER
SEAGOON: Gad!
MINISTER
2:
Ta!
MINISTER
SPRIGGS:
Yabukkakarkka! Pronounced…
GRAMS: (Recording. Higher speed) MINISTER SPRIGGS: Yabukkakarkka!
PRIME
MINISTER
SEAGOON: There seems to be some
strong feeling about this. The house will divide.
GRAMS: Splitting noise.
PRIME
MINISTER SEAGOON:
The ayes have it. The no’s don’t. The legs are unsupported.
MILLIGAN: (megaphone) Hello folks. Hello. With
debates like this
FX: Water splashing.
LORD
HAILSHAM:
Honourable members, after several years of careful planning, plonning and
plinning which includes the publication of ten white papers, two brown papers,
three puce and a leather volume on nutting part three. In view of this I
resign. Taxi! Drive me to the House of Lords.
GRAMS: Taxi speeds away. Crash of brick wall
falling. Taxi speeds off.
SEAGOON: Gentlemen, bad
news. The leather statue of James the second is to be replaced with a
compressed tobacco one of Walter Raleigh.
GRAMS: Enormous raspberry. (Fred the oyster)
SEAGOON: Get that ginger
group out of here.
MINISTER
4: As
independent member for Tom Nurgler’s hat I must know what is the reason for removing
James the second.
MINISTER
2: He
is dead sir.
MINISTER
4: I
was referring to his stature which is still alive.
GREENSLADE: Long live the
statue of James the second.
SEAGOON: Gentlemen please.
We’re getting away from the subject namely the statue of Walter Raleigh.
MINISTER
5: I
don’t see the point of putting a statue of Prince [Monable] in Trafalgar Station.
SEAGOON: I keep telling you
Madam, the statue is of Sir Walter Raleigh.
MINISTER
5:
Subtleties will get you nowhere.
SEAGOON: I never travel by
subtleties. I wouldn’t know where they get you. Ha ha ha ha ha! (Laughs &c) A-hem. Now sir, next
week for one week only,
AUSTRALIAN
REPRESENTATIVE:
Well, I should like to tell you as leader for the opposition, I would like to
do all in my brown power to have it removed sir. I’d like to say that here and
now. Thanks.
SEAGOON: What! I insist it
be put back. Are trying to do me out of a job? What’s the matter with you then?
GREENSLADE: The House will
adjourn -
MINISTER
3:
(Oh good. Tea. Come on.)
GREENSLADE: … and members are
advised to do likewise. And through a rent in the seat of his trousers I see
Max ‘Conk’ Geldray attempting to escape into the foyer.
GELDRAY: Ploogie!
MAX GELDRAY
GREENSLADE: And now the Great
Statue debate part two. One – two! Like that.
SEAGOON: During the recess I
sat in my chamber fuming, one of the few luxuries I still allowed myself. Sir
Hock?
THROAT: Yes sir.
SEAGOON: How dare they
oppose a statue of Sir Walter Raleigh. Or to put it another way, how dare they
oppose a statue of Walter Raleigh. Now you can go.
THROAT: Ta.
FX: Door
slams.
SEAGOON: Now, being a member
of the ginger group I must take my powder ginger. (Gulps)
GRAMS: Explosion. Strength 5
FX: Door
opens quickly.
BLOODNOK: Ohh ohhh oh! Was
that you?
SEAGOON: Yes.
BLOODNOK: Thank heavens. I
thought it was me.
SEAGOON: Major Bloodnok.
Everyone stand for the anthem.
ORCHESTRA: Sudden timpani note. Hold under. Solemn hymn-like version of Bloodnok
theme.
GRAMS: Explosions. Strength 7
BLOODNOK: Thank you. Now
Neddie, just hold the other end of this military sock would you.
FX: Blacksmith
hammering on iron pieces.
BLOODNOK: (Singing) Ah dee
dee dee! Oh, they do take some straightening out don’t they.
SEAGOON: What’s this arrow
on the sole?
BLOODNOK: That’s the
direction they go. I trust them implicitly. They were in the mutiny you know.
Wait a moment! Oh ah oough! Where’s my old photographs? There’s somebody inside
them! Hand me that tree.
FX: Swish
of branch.
MORIARTY: Awwww! I’ve been
socked.
BLOODNOK: Great leaping
crabs! It’s a - What is it?!
MORIARTY: You’ve struck the
last of a long line of Thynne – Moriarty. I challenge you to a dual. Ten paces
and fire.
FX: Two
rapid pistol shots.
MORIARTY: Ahh! Honour is
satisfied.
BLOODNOK: And so am I.
MORIARTY: Ta. Allow me to
present my latest credentials.
BLOODNOK: Oh, they’re a bit
crutty aren’t they? However I’ll play them on this new hygienic gramophone.
GRAMS: (Recording –
slightly speeded up) GRYTPYPE:
Hello. Hello. Hello. Moriarty record. Moriarty record. The owner of these
credentials is the great French steamer Count Jim ‘Tiger-Nuts’ …
GRAMS: Spring bonnnng.
GRYTPYPE: … Moriarty, dustbin extraordinary and lady in
waiting to
SEAGOON: The voice came from
a tall handsome nut-strewn man carrying a tin grudge and wheeling a tom cat.
GRYTPYPE: And this is me off
the record.
SEAGOON: What?! State your
business.
GRYTPYPE: I am sir Hercules
Grytpype etcetera, etcetera, owner of the houses of Parliament.
SEAGOON: Ha! Our landlord. Well,
I’m very pleased to meet you.
GRYTPYPE: Good, good, good.
Here’s an eviction notice.
SEAGOON: No thanks. I’m
trying to give them up.
GRYTPYPE: I’m giving you
seven doors to get out. O – U – T pronounced,
GRAMS: (Recording – speeded up) GRYTPYPE: Out!
GREENSLADE: Meantime, back in
the house of commons.
GRAMS: Pub brawl. Screams. Smashing glass. Police
cars screeching up. Police whistles.
MINISTER
5: (Rubbish)
SEAGOON: Stop!
GRAMS: Brawl stops immediately.
SEAGOON: Members of
parliament, we’ve been given notice to quit.
MINISTER
5:
Quick! Repeal the rent act!
GRYTPYPE: Too late. Out you
go!
GRAMS: Chopin Funeral March. Heavy footsteps of
massed funeral cortege.
MacGOONICAL: Ooooooooo!
OMNES: (In imitation) Ooooooooo!
MacGOONICAL: Oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh oh!
OMNES: (In imitation) Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh!
MacGOONICAL: (Lame jazz) Oh oh oh oh ohoh oh, oh oh
ohoh oh!
OMNES: (In imitation) Oh oh oh oh ohoh oh, oh
oh ohoh oh!
MacGOONICAL: Oooh! They’re with
me tonight.
What
a terrible sight to see The houses of parliament without an
MP. And oh, how they wandered through the
snowy night. It was
enough to give of them a fright.
And
so they reached
Where
they were stopped by a copper’s nark.
And…
SEAGOON: To carry on members, the position is this –
WILLIUM: Come on now, come
along! Move along there mates. No kipping in the park allowed.
SEAGOON: I say. Alright
lads. Alright, settle down. I’ll speak to him. A-hem. Now constable, how dare
you speak …
FX: Fist into punching bag.
SEAGOON: Ohherrrgh!
WILLIUM: Got ‘im, right on
his old conservative nut. Now, move along there.
GRAMS: Jewish wailing
WILLIUM: No singing allowed
I tell ‘ee. Alright, I’ll have to take your names. Now where’s my hairy
notebook? Here it is under this guardsman. Now then, name?
SEAGOON: Sir Harold McSeagoon
MP.
WILLIUM: Ain’t you got a
full signed job then? Cor, funny that. Ha ha!
SEAGOON: (Unimpressed) Ha ha ha!
WILLIUM: Now that’s done it
now, that has mate. In you goes all on ya’. To the old station!
GRAMS: Further wailing. Horse hooves gallop off.
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK
DETERIORATES INTO CORNY OFF-KEY CHORD.
CRUN: Thank you C
division band. And now -
FX: Gavel
on bench
CRUN: … the first case - the
Crown verses Charlie Crippen.
BANNISTER: We’ve done him,
legal Crun.
CRUN: Oh! Have we legal
Min? Oh, the next – the Crown verses the Houses of Parliament.
BANNISTER: What’s the charge?
GREENSLADE: Loittery with
intent to govern, me ‘lud.
CRUN: Where is the
calcitrant?
SEAGOON: Over here.
CRUN: Oh. Yoo hoo!
SEAGOON: Yoo hoo!
GREENSADE: Members of the
jury, you have just heard the evidence ‘Yoo hoo’. Have you reached a decision?
MILLIGAN: Yes. We want to go home.
GREENSLADE: Oh, but what of the
prisoners?
GRYTPYPE: Guilty me ‘lud.
SEAGOON: You swine Grytpype.
You made
GRYTPYPE: You passed the act,
chum.
SEAGOON: Don’t worry folks.
Hello folks. Don’t worry folks. I’m over here folks.
CRUN: Yoo hoo!
SEAGOON: It’s alright folks.
The Minister of Transport made available to us a number one hundred and thirty-eight tram
which the government boarded at the Elephant and Castle.
GREENSLADE: And so Parliament
was reassembled.
SEAGOON: Yes. It was
wonderful to hear the opening speech.
MINISTER
6: (Antediluvian) Members of Parliament…
FX: Tram
bell
MINISTER
6: …
hold tight.
GRAMS: Racing car roaring off at speed.
SPRIGGS: Hon’ members. Hon’
mem – beeeeers! Hello Jims. We’ll take
up the agenda where we left off, left ooohhhh – off!
SEAGOON: The statue of the
leather statue will be removed tomorrow and the hand rolled tobacco statue of
CONDUCTRESS: Fares please!
SEAGOON: … the dustmen’s uniforms will be…
CONDUCTRESS: Fares please. Do
you mind, cheeky.
SEAGOON: See the Chancellor
of the Exchequer.
SPRIGGS: Yes Jim. Five
hundred and thirty-three tickets to
CONDUCTRESS: Five hundred and
forty-three tickets did you say?
GRAMS: (Recording. Start at
normal speed and gradually speed up.) CONDUCTRESS:
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve,
thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen (&c and
fade.)
ECCLES: Anybody sitting here?
SEAGOON: Get off you spotty ‘erbert. This is a private tram.
ECCLES: Ooo good. I like travelling in private.
SEAGOON: Hurl this man in the direction of out.
ECCLES: You touch me and you’ll see what you’ll get.
SEAGOON: What?
ECCLES: Measles.
SEAGOON: Run for it! He’s
got measles!
ECCLES: Come back I tell
you!
GRAMS: Shrieking crowd. Departing boots. Fade into
distance.
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC CHORDS
GREENSLADE: The scene – the
measles ward of the Battersea Dog’s Hospital.
ECCLES: ‘Ello!
GRAMS: Massed dogs.
BLOODNOK: Nurse! Nurse! Oh
nurse. The screens. The screens nurse. Oh oh-oh! Get that tree away from my bed
will you.
BANNISTER: Coming. Coming.
Coming.
BLOODNOK: (Enema time) Oh hooough! Oh hooooough!
Oh dear! Ho hooo hough! Oh ho hooooooo! Oh hohohohoho ho ho ho ho hoooo! That’s
better.
SEAGOON: Please Major. Do
you mind? We’re trying to hold a meeting of Parliament over here. Now
gentlemen, about this statue.
GREENSLADE: Mister Seagoon. The
show is under running. Could we spread it out a bit more?
SEAGOON: (Very slowly) Gen – tle – men! Wee’rre haaaaviiiing
aaaa moooomeeeeent at ooour lou-ouuuuur…..
SPRIGGS: (Very, very slowly) Yeeeeeeeesss.
Yoooooouuu’re riiiiiiiiiight. Yooooouuu arrrrrrrrre rrrrrrrriiiiiiight
Jiiiiimmmmmm!
SEAGOON: Whhhhhooooooo
oooootherrrrrrrr……(Disappears into
obscurity)
GRAMS: Sound of enormous wooden wall groaning and sagging. Slow
footsteps on gravel approaching. (Hold under)
GREENSLADE: I say, we weren’t
really behind time. I told them a fib, and I must say I did enjoy it. And just
to show the mood I’m in, I’m going to pop this paper bag.
FX: Paper
bag bursts.
BLUEBOTTLE: Hey you swine. I
was in there. Hello everybody.
GREENSLADE: What were you doing
in my paper bag?
BLUEBOTTLE: I was doing my
world famous impressions of wrapped fruit. Now for my encore, I would like to
do my well known impression of Major Bloodnok.
GRAMS: Explosion – strength 5. Mix in enormous
burst of air escaping. (Hold under.)
BLOODNOK: Oh hoo ho ho ho
hough! The screens nurse! Quick, the screens. Oh!
GRAMS: Enthusiastic applause.
BLUEBOTTLE: I’m glad that you
like the classics.
ECCLES: ‘Ello ‘Bottle.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh. Hello Eccles.
Where have you been all the week then? You wasn’t there at school, was you?
ECCLES: No. …er no. I know that.
BLUEBOTTLE: Who told you?
ECCLES: I went and looked through
the school window and I wasn’t there. So I went home. And when I got back home
guess what I happened.
BLUEBOTTLE: Erm, you saw Irene
Groinge holding a twig.
ECCLES: Um – no.
BLUEBOTTLE: Um, I give up. I
don’t know what happened.
ECCLES: Ohhh! Now I’ll
never know.
BLUEBOTTLE: You twit of a child
you. Just for that I give you Ray Ellington right in your lug ‘ole! Plunnie!
Ray Ellington.
RAY
ELLINGTON
GREENSLADE: The Great Statue
Debate, part three. The - (if you’ll pardon the expression) unveiling.
GRAMS: Brass band recording of ‘
SEAGOON: My dear friends,
frands and fronds. Owing to a sculptor’s error I name this statue Mrs. Sir
Walter Raleigh, and may all who sail in her … Wait a minute! There’s somebody
under the unveiling sheet.
LALKAKA: Please do not alarm
yourself. It is only those two sons of fun, Lalkaka and Banerjee transport
company. Hooray.
BANERJEE: Hooray. This is
indeed a very graphic description of the nature of our vocational activity you
see.
LALKAKA: Chut chup.
SEAGOON: Chut chup to you
too. Why have you got the statue in a push cart?
LALKAKA: Oh dear man. We
were ordered to it.
BANERJEE: Yes, we were
definitely ordered to do it you see.
WILLIUM: ‘Ere. You’ll all
get run in if you don’t get a move on.
SEAGOON: It’s a copper!
WILLIUM: Aough! It’s the
strolling politicians lot. Take that…
GRAMS: Belts on nut at varying pitches. Shouting in
background.
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK
MacGOONICAL: And so the great trek began
Five
hundred and thirty politicians and one man
Tramping
the country, and at their head
An
ordinary tobacco statue which was believed to be dead.
SEAGOON: Oh Hon’ members.
MINISTER
2: Ooo
yes.
SEAGOON: Ooo, it’s no good. The plates! The plates!
Oh! We must force an entry back into the houses of parliament.
MCMILLAIN: Yes, you’re quite
right of course. Here we are, the government of
GRYTPYPE: Did you hear that
Moriarty?
MORIARTY: Only the words.
GYRTPYPE: Curse, and we don’t
know the formula. Here, hold this piece of burnt rubber. Now, stand on your
head in this bowl of knee-cap soup. Keep these stale fish bones clenched
between your French knees, and tie this cheese knife to your ear at the same
time strapping these glucose pencils around your ankles.
MORIARTY: Awwwwah.
GRYTPYPE: Got it?
MORIARTY: Yeah.
GRYTPYPE: There. (Romantically) I shall always remember
you like that.
MORIARTY: Awwwwah! It’s
wonderful to be in love again. Wait a minute, look! Here comes Neddie Seajoon
on the British Government.
GRYTPYPE: Quick, unroll this
luxury cardboard lounge.
GRAMS: Creaking cardboard unrolling.
GRYTPYPE: Hello Neddie.
Inflate these rubber trousers and sit down.
SEAGOON: No thank you. I’m
perfectly comfortable on this razorblade.
GRYTPYPE: Ho ho ho ho! I have
decided that you can have the houses of Parliament back provided you give us
the uncooked portion of
SEAGOON: But, but none of
it’s cooked.
GRYTPYPE: Oooh. Then we shall
have to eat it raw. Moriarty, the spoons!
GRAMS: (Recording) Brisk piano and spoons music hall number, with Moriarty on vocals.
SEAGOON: Thank you! And here
in return is the uncooked portion of
FX: Trash,
(bottles, cans etc) being shovelled into container.
GRYTPYPE: Yes, that’s it Hon.
Mem, just shovel it into this American safe deposit and here in return are the
keys to Parliament.
GRAMS: Echoey turning of old fashioned key in lock.
SEAGOON: Ah! It’s great to
be back.
MINISTER
7:
Yes. That little sojourn taught all us politicians a lesson – no more wasting
public time and money.
MINISTER
2:
Yes, quite right – no more wasting public time and money. Now gentlemen, about
this leather statue. I think it ought to face east.
SEAGOON: Don’t be silly.
Think of where the moss would grow. Very uncomfortable you know…
ORCHESTRA: PLAYOUT
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon
Show, featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray
Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott;
script by Spike Milligan , John Antrobus and Rabelais, announcer Wallace
Greenslade; the programme was produced by Charles Chilton.
[1] John Antrobus (1933- ) is an English playwright and script editor, whose early career was encouraged by Milligan. Antrobus, who also suffered from depression, wrote “The Bed Sitting Room” (1963) with Milligan, as well as working with Johnny Speight on “The Frankie Howerd Show” (1956), provided material for “That Was the week that Was” as well as Milligan’s final radio series