RECORDED: 10 Feb 1958

Script by Spike Milligan
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC (Home Service).
Jim Spriggs: This is the BBC (Home Service).
GREENSLADE: Ladies and gentleman, "Ten Snowballs that shook the world." This has no story and is basically a fantasia, and is a dead liberty.
GRYTPYPE: We take you back to the London Stock Exchange in 1882. Tin, wool, and rain are falling, the market is reclining under the news.
PLYNNE: (Clears throat.) Hello Spewells!
SPEWELLS: Hello Plynne!
SPEWELLS: Oh, you know there's talk of the bank rate going up, do you?
PLYNNE: When'd you hear that?
SPEWELLS: Hnn, on the gramophone this morning.
PLYNNE: It sounds rather dangerous, I --
PLYNNE: --I think there must have been a leak.
PLYNNE: I saw a plumber going in.
SPEWELLS: Hnn, hah, hnn.
SPEWELLS: Water must be flooding the market.
PLYNNE: We'd better buy some right away, I think.
SEAGOON: Hello hello hellofolks hellofolks hello, folks! This is where I come in, me, Neddie!
GRAMS: Cheers
SEAGOON: Stop! Stop! Stop folks, stop folks, thank you folks. At the time I was a runner on the stock exchange. I wore the silver greyhound and carried a ginger tomcat.
SPEWELL: Neddie, Neddie, sterling is in danger. It's dropped from F sharp to E flat. It must be saved in the key of G.
SEAGOON: You're right, Grytpype, and so saying I swore myself to secrecy. Damn blast dash!
GRYTPYPE: The first thing you do, Neddie, is to warn the occupants of the Eddystone Lighthouse.
ORCHESTRA: Nautical Theme
GRAMS: Seaside sounds
?: Land ho, land ho! (?)
GRAMS: Sawing, hammering, sawing
BANNISTER: I sit and cobble at the break of day, I sit and cobble all the day long...
CRUN: What are you doing, Minnie?
BANNISTER: I'm mending your socks, Henry.
CRUN: Min!
CRUN: Oh, you! Min!
CRUN: Min, you turned the lighthouse light out last night.
BANNISTER: I know, we can't afford to keep it on all night!
CRUN: Oh, you devil of a woman, modern Min!
CRUN: Oh... Shh, listen.
BANNISTER: Hen, I can't hear anything.
CRUN: Neither can I. That's the third time today.
BANNISTER: Oh. Oh! There's somebody down there! We'll all be murdered in our lighthouses!
SEAGOON: (distant) Ho! Hi!
BANNISTER: Oh, butabuta go away, naughty man!
SEAGOON: Stand(?) while you're up there?
CRUN: What?
SEAGOON: Stand while you're up there! (?)
CRUN: Stand on your head, put on this parachute, count ten backwards, then push the string.
SEAGOON: What happens then?
CRUN: We come down and let you in.
SEAGOON: (Near) Well, let's pretend I'm in, all right? (laughs)
CRUN & BANNISTER: (Muttering)
SEAGOON: I'm cryptic Ned.
CRUN & BANNISTER: (Muttering)
SEAGOON: I've brought this message. It's written on the soles of my feet.
CRUN: Ah ha ha. A footnote! Ha ha ha!
SEAGOON: It contains a mimeographed copy of Beethoven's Fifth, complete with ukulele chords.
CRUN: Have you read it?
GRAMS: (Phone rings)
THROAT: Buy Grubbo dog food.
SEAGOON: Right! So that's commercial television. )
CRUN: Min, play that message.
GRAMS: Sped up music with singing
CRUN: That sounds serious to me.
BANNISTER: Serious music.
CRUN: Yes, sterling is dropping in the key of E flat!
BANNISTER: I'll get a floorcloth at once.
CRUN: Oh, no (strange spanners?)
BANNISTER: Now, listen, listen boys, we mustn't -- now, must keep cool, Minnie Bannister, keep cool now, don't get excited, don't get excited now -- listen, let's all have some Indian TEA!
Crun?: (Simultaneous) Tea!
BANNISTER: Nice tea, one or two spoons, Ned?
SEAGOON: Two, please!
FX: Clink, clink
BANNISTER: Sorry we haven't any sugar.
SEAGOON: My plan to save Sterling is to raffle the equator in the key of E flat.
CRUN: (groans)
BANNISTER: (Simultaneously) Pooie pooie pooie pooie!
CRUN: It's the rainy season.
CRUN: The equator's under water.
SEAGOON: Ha ha ha! I have forestalled that. I am wearing the plans of a soundproof oilskin!
CRUN: A perfect disguise!
BANNISTER: Perfect, perfeccct...
CRUN: But how will we recognise you?
SEAGOON: Here's half a moustache. If ever you meet a man with the other half, it'll be me.
CRUN: All right, I'll be disguised as...
ORCHESTRA: Saxophone riff
CRUN: ...in C sharp.
SEAGOON: Splendid. Now I'm off to establish raffle book patrols all along the equator.
BANNISTER: You sinful man, you!
SEAGOON: Meantime, here is Max Geldray, who will perform a certain unsavoury action.
(Max Geldray performs "I Can't Get Started")
GREENSLADE: ("Ten Snowballs That Shook The World",) bad news, part 2 in F sharp.
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty?
MORIARTY: Yes, what, what is it, Grytpype, what is it?
GRYTPYPE: Take a letter in gargling fluid.
MORIARTY: Ahya. (Slurp)
GRYTPYPE: To the Postmaster General. Dear General...
MORIARTY: (Gargling noises)
GRYTPYPE: According to the shape of my knees...
MORIARTY: (Gargling noises)
GRYTPYPE: I believe that an illegal raffle...
MORIARTY: (Gargling noises)
GRYTPYPE: For the equator is being held...
MORIARTY: (Gargling noises, higher pitch)
GRYTPYPE: And for certain monies I will reveal the organiser.
MORIARTY: (Gargling noises)
GRYTPYPE: Let's have that back, please.
MORIARTY: (Extensive spit)
GRYTPYPE: You filthy swine! You've watered my peony.
MORIARTY: Waargh! I'm sorry.
GRYTPYPE: No good saying sorry when you're sorry.
MORIARTY: Ahaowah, Grytpype.
GRYTPYPE: See you in part 3!
ORCHESTRA: Musical link
GREENSLADE: Which means Cryptic Ned is standing in the Sahara, waiting for a train to the equator.
ECCLES: Hup! Oowoowoo! Chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff. Woowoowoo! Chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff. Weesh weeesh. Hallo! (Pause for applause) Thanks a lot, thank you, it's all free.
SEAGOON: Listeners, I think it only fair to those without TV sets to describe this man. He was wearing a train driver's hat, holding two sticks, pulling a railway carriage, and eating lumps of coal.
ECCLES: I'm the engine! Ha ha ha ha ho! ((Pause) Weesh!
SEAGOON: Don't do that against me!
SEAGOON: I say, I say, there's a man standing on your head.
ECCLES: He's the driver.
WLLIUM: Yes, hurry up and get in mate, we're leaving. Ahhaay!
FX: Door opens and closes
WLLIUM: Mates all 'ay.
ECCLES: (?) Chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff (eating sounds) chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff woowooo!
GRAMS: Train on track sounds
SEAGOON: Is this anybody's seat?
WLLIUM: Yes, it's anybody's. Jim Anybody's.
SEAGOON: Ahh! You're supposed to be driving this train!
WLLIUM: Yes, but standing on Eccles' head hurts me kippers.
ECCLES: Alum, mind if I come in?
SEAGOON: Idiot, you're the engine!
WLLIUM: Aurgh.
SEAGOON: What are you doing in the carriage?
ECCLES: Well, I like a bit of cup of tea, my man.
SEAGOON: Well, sit down there and don't steam on me.
ECCLES: All right. Wait, this seat is dangerous, it's got no bottom on it!
SEAGOON: Well sit on it and it will have!
ECCLES: Oooowooo!
SEAGOON: What's that for?
ECCLES: We're coming up to a tunnel.
(FX: Phone rings
Throat: Eat Grubbo dog food.
SEAGOON: Right! SEAGOON: (Sounds of eating) Gulp. (Horn sounds, cork pops) Ah! That's better.
SEAGOON: Oh, it's nice to be able to afford luxuries. What's a million pounds to me, there's a fortune at my disposal. )
SPRIGGS: (distant) All tickets please!
SEAGOON: Quick! Under the seat!
SPRIGGS: All tickets please, all tickets plee-eease? A lot of people on the train. Now look here, sir, now -- uh -- Oh! Oh! What are you doing under that seat, Jim?
SEAGOON: I, I, I'm just visiting a midget named George.
SPRIGGS: Named George? I can't see him.
SEAGOON: No, he's moved, hahahaha. Now what time do we get to the Equator?
SPRIGGS: Oh, about -- come on, now Jim, where's your ticket, Jim?
SPRIGGS: This is a raffle ticket, Jim.
SEAGOON: That'll be half a crown.
FX: Cash register chimes
SEAGOON: Thank you.
SPRIGGS: Here, o, Jim, when's the draw, Jim?
SEAGOON: Now, now is the draw. Put your ticket in this hat.
SEAGOON: Right. Draw!
SPRIGGS: Oh, it's my ticket, I've won! {Sing-song} I've wo-on, Jim! What's the prize, Jim?
SEAGOON: The raffle ticket you found in the hat!
SPRIGGS: Grab him (?), he hasn't got a ticket!
WLLIUM: So off he goes! Oh!
GRAMS: Sound of train leaving
SEAGOON: (Heavy breathing) Gasping, ah. The fiend, he threw me out!
WLLIUM: And forgot to let go!
SEAGOON: Well I, I didn't hurt myself. Strange, I wonder why?
BLUEBOTTLE: You fell on me, you swine! Eee! Hello everybody, look at me, flatted. I'm flat all over.
SEAGOON: You'll be all right as long as you don't stand sideways.
BLUEBOTTLE: Well I have to go sideways 'cause of my new tune. It's from my latest record and it's called...
(Accompanied by orchestra)
Sideways through the sewers of the Strand
On a Sunday afternoon,
Sideways through the sewers of the Strand
Will be our honeymoon.
Ankle deep in sludge dear,
We'll walk hand in hand
They do say that the sewers of the Strand
(Accompanied by Eccles)
Are the finest in the land, I'm a telling ya.
Sideways, through the sewers of the Strand
Will be a paradise for two,
BLUEBOTTLE: Who cares if the atmosphere is blue?
Ohho, there is nothing wrong
With a good old British pong!
Sideways, through the sewers of the Strand with you!
I don't mean maybe!
BLUEBOTTLE: Hey, ta, thank you. Next, my impression of Eccles.
ECCLES: Hallo, Bluebottle!
ECCLES: Thank you. Now an impression of Rita Hayworth, that famous star of stage, screen, and registry office. Hey!
ECCLES: Here, I'd, I'd like to marry her.
BLUEBOTTLE: I will never marry her!
ECCLES: Oh? Why not?
BLUEBOTTLE: She told me so.
GREENSLADE: Silence, while I announce part three. The scene, the heart of Port-Said.
ORCHESTRA: Major Bloodnok's theme
BLOODNOK: Ah urgh.
GRAMS: Rattling noise, followed by foghorn that rapidly increases in pitch
BLOODNOK: Oh ho ho ho. Oh oh. Oh oh oh. Oh, oh dear, oh dear dear. (It's a touch of the Bombay Belly, you know. Oh, oh dear. I'll never eat another Bombay Belly as long as I live, folks. )
SEAGOON: Ahoy, in the key of E flat.
BLOODNOK: Great splats of fowl! A man with half a moustache, (and a billboard advertising "Davey." )
SEAGOON: Who's the captain of this dirty old lugger?
SEAGOON: Right, take me to him.
BLOODNOK: This is his cabin.
FX: Knocking
BLOODNOK: Oh, no answer, I'll, um, see if he's in, oh ho ho, and he's out. I'll, um...
FX: Knocking
BLOODNOK: What do you want?
SEAGOON: Major Bloodnok?
BLOODNOK: That's me.
SEAGOON: Me? That's the name of the Captain.
BLOODNOK: You're lucky you found me, I only just got in, you know.
SEAGOON: Are you a good sailor?
BLOODNOK: No, I'm a naughty soldier, oh ho ho ho. (You see, I've done time, I struck Johan Strauss
SEAGOON: Oh, you did waltz time!
ORCHESTRA: Raspberry chord
BLOODNOK: I don't wish to know that.
SEAGOON: Don't forget to see "Davey", folks, it's better than this. Major,) I was told you were a competent navigator.
BLOODNOK: You filthy swine, you!
SEAGOON: Look, I must get to the equator tonight!
Abdel: (Distant) Yes, your highness? )
BLOODNOK: Tell my ATS driver she can put the car away, I shall be needing her.
FX: Phone rings
SLYNNE: Is that cryptic Ned?
SEAGOON: Yes! Here's my card.
SLYNNE: Thank you. Here's my wardrobe.
SEAGOON: What huge drawers.
SLYNNE: Yes, I have friends staying with me. My name's Slynne. I have to inform you that your raffling of the equator in E flat is illegal.
SEAGOON: I'll change the key to G sharp.
SLYNNE: (Sing-song) G sharp then! (normal) But remember, any other key is illegal.
FX: Phone hangs up
MORIARTY: Ah ah ah ow, did you hear that, Grytpype? He's got permission to raffle the equator!
GRYTPYPE: Don't worry, hairy French steamer. I have two gentlemen making an imitation equator that will fool any linesman. So, over to them!
GRAMS: Indian music
FX: Sawing and hammering sounds
LALKAKA: Steady, steady, steady steady now, Mr. Banarjee. Steady, ? with steady.
BANERJEE: Just a moment.
LALKAKA: What a dat?
BANERJEE: Please now. Please holding the opposite end, then. Only then can we complete the task of completion.
LALKAKA: Indeed indeed, man. Indeed your reasoning is of sound capacity to my mind, you understand.
BANERJEE: I am aware of that, Mr., Mr. Lalkagar.
BANERJEE: But I am, I am puzzled in the extreme about this task that we are performing.
LALKAKA: Not only you, man, not only you but I too am puzzled.
BANERJEE: I cannot understand it.
LALKAKA: I have never before in my entire life made an imitation equator before, you understand.
BANERJEE: Indeed indeed, but there is always a first time for everything, Mr. Lalkagar.
LALKAKA: What are you telling me, Mr. Lal --
BANERJEE: I am telling you that everything --
LALKAKA: Mr. Banarjee, I am not understanding what you are saying --
BANERJEE: But you don't --
SEAGOON: Hands up in C sharp minor!
BANERJEE: Good heavens in Hindu! )
SEAGOON: Hand over that equator! Right, got it. Greenslade, make an announcement that will get me away.
GREENSLADE: In a trice, Cryptic Ned trekked over land to his destination, Christies of Bond Street.
LALKAKA: Good heavens.
GRAMS: Tribal singing and drumming
SEAGOON: (Breathless) Keep up, men. Bloodnok, how far are we from Bond Street?
BLOODNOK: A hundred thousand miles.
SEAGOON: Naaa, we'll never make it by tonight. We'll camp by that telephone.
BLOODNOK: Ohoho, really? Where's Hugh(?)
SEAGOON: Hugh? Hugh who?
BLOODNOK: Yoo hoo!
SEAGOON: Yoo hoo, darling!
BLOODNOK: Shall we dance, dear?
SEAGOON: Love to dance!
ORCHESTRA: Jazzy waltz
GRAMS: Loud splash
FX: Phone rings, picked up
Little Jim: They've fallen in the water!
GREENSLADE: Part Four. With the Gulfstream behind them, Neddie and Co. with the imitation equator aboard, made for England on a self-drive raft.
GRAMS: Splash, sea sounds
ECCLES: (Singing) A Life on the ocean wave, life on the land...
SEAGOON: Mid-ocean, and still a thousand miles from London. Curse this thirty miles an hour speed limit!
ECCLES: Pardon me, but your ship is slowing.
FX: Gunshot
SEAGOON: Eccles, that's a nasty bullet hole you have in your head!
ECCLES: That's funny, it wasn't there a minute ago.
FX: Phone rings
BLOODNOK: Yes, yes?
?: Buy Grubbo Dog Food.
FX: Door chime
BANNISTER: Ahhhh. Morning, morning sir.
BANNISTER: Mornmornmornmorning!
BLOODNOK: I know you're the only shop on this raft; do you sell Grubbo Dog Food?
BANNISTER: Oh, why I, yes -- ohhhh, ohhhh....
BLOODNOK: What's the matter, madam, you look quite well!
BANNISTER: Oh, it, it's Dennis Bloodnok?
BLOODNOK: Bloodnok?
BLOODNOK: What hashe done to you, that military swine? I'll... oh, that's me! Wait! Can it be?
BLOODNOK: Oh! Where's me old marriage papers?
BANNISTER: What's he doing, what's he doing?
BLOODNOK: Heavens, it's Minnie Bannister, the toast of Bombay, (well done! )
BANNISTER: Ohhhh, Dennis, oh naughty Dennis from Pune!
BLOODNOK: Ohhh, naughty Minnie!
BANNISTER: Oh, after all these years, oh, have you changed much?
BLOODNOK: Only me vest.
ORCHESTRA: Short saxophone solo
BLOODNOK: Oh, who are you sir?
CRUN: I'm Henry Crun, disguised as (short saxophone solo) in C sharp.
BANNISTER: Ohhhh, Henry!
CRUN: Now Min, who is this man, holding you in a military sand-brown-type embrace? I'll --
SEAGOON: Stop! Crun, put down that sockfull of grit with which Casey was hit!
BANNISTER: Bloodnok, Bloodnok is a friend of my youth.
CRUN: You never had one (you old... (edited out?)
SEAGOON: Take it to court, Mr. Crun. )
BLOODNOK: I insist on diplomatic immunity.
SEAGOON: Right, roll up your sleeve, it won't hurt.
CRUN: I won't roll up my sleeve
All argue
GREENSLADE: Ladies and gentlemen, during this sordid scene, will you please put a blanket over your radios and lower the volume. Meantime, part four, still aboard the raft.
GRAMS: Ocean sounds, seagulls
ECCLES: {Singing) Life on the ocean wave, ~~~~~
SEAGOON: Fishing?
SEAGOON: Fishing?
ECCLES: Yeah, yeah, I'm, I'm fishing.
SEAGOON: Hey, that's a big barrel of worms just for one day's fishing.
ECCLES: Well I get hungry too, you know.
SEAGOON: Bleargh!
ECCLES: Hey, look at them pigeons!
SEAGOON: Pigeons? You idiot, they're gulls!
ECCLES: Well boys or girls, they're nice pigeons!
BLUEBOTTLE: Land ahoy, captain!
SEAGOON: Land? Let me taste it. (Sounds of tasting) It's England!
Eccles and BLUEBOTTLE: (singing) Land of (BLUEBOTTLE: old East Finchley)(ECCLES: hope and glory), mother of the free -- (clonk!) Ahey! What's the matter with you man, hitting my nut! It's not paid for yet.
SEAGOON: We haven't a moment to lose. According to my calculations, two and two are four! (Cheers) Thank you, thank you ~~~ thank you! (Don't forget to see "Davey," now Bottle!
Minnie Bannister(?): "Davey," folks, "Davey"'s the film.
CRUN: See "Davey." )
SEAGOON: Now Bottle, hold up this photograph of Christie's, and we'll auction the equator
Muttering: Rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb custard custard
Auctioneer: Now lot number one, the equator, what am I bid for this lot?
Auctioneer: Any advance on money?
?: More money!
Auctioneer: Going for more money?
?: Mm, yimbomballaboo!
Auction: Any advance on yimbomballaboo?
SEAGOON: Yimbomballaboo and sixpence!
FX: Door opens
MORIARTY: Argh, hands up all of you! Officer, that's the man, there!
Officer: Pardon me sir, are you the owner of the equator LXW3457?
SEAGOON: I am. (Don't forget to see "Davey," officer. )
Officer: Is your equator marked lot one?
SEAGOON: Yes, that's my lot.
Officer: It certainly is!
SEAGOON: (Hushed) Wal?
SEAGOON: Do us a favour.
SEAGOON: Don't tell the audience that was the end until we've had a good start.
GREENSLADE: All right.
SEAGOON: Come on lads!
FX: Sound of running feet
GREENSLADE: Having given, having given the cowards a fifty yard start, I now inform the audience that that was the end.
GRAMS: Booing, yelling, stampede
GREENSLADE: Oh no, no, steady, steady, no, no, remember that you're in England, yes, you're in England, no, fair dos, not -- oh no, no no, no I don't like it, you are not playing fair...
GRAMS: March music
GREENSLADE: (while being hit with sticks) That was The Goon Show, a BBC-recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet -- oh no! -- Max Geldray, and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. No, ohho! No, script, no, fair do, script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, and the programme produced by Charles Chilton!
GRAMS: March music fades out