GOON SHOW: TLO 47557
8TH SERIES: No 18
RECORDED: 27 Jan 1958
Greenslade: This is the BBC. Ladies and gentlemen, we present 'The Curse of Frankenstein'.
Sellers: We present the
play of the week, entitled: 'My Heart's in the Highlands, but My Feet Are in
FX: Scottish music; bagpipes, gunshot, bagpipes die.
Greenslade: Yes, it was eighteen eighty twa and the laird Red Hairy Bourke, lay deeing on his bed, shot in the chanters.
Burke: Aye, aaarrr nach the nelly noo [etc] Andy? Andrew?
Andy: Aye, my laird, aye. Take it easy the noo.
Burke: Oh dear, I've noo got long to goo the noo.
Andy: Here, here, now wait. Have a wee drop of Red Agony whisky.
Burke: Ay, aye, ay! Pour it doown my throat, lad.
GRAMS: Liquid pouring. Great explosion.
Burke: Oh, that's better. Andy? We'll get the will out and let ma family in.
GRAMS: Door opens. Footsteps enter, joined by a second and a third then crescendo to a huge herd of people walking in. Door closes.
Burke: Well, I've had a good life. Now, are ya all here lads?
OMNES: Massed scottish agreement.
Burke: Now, my lads, as you all know, I'm leaving the castle and one million poonds…
FX: Door opens.
GRAMS: Running boots approaching.
Moriarty: Ah, my little Scottish daddy, I love you, I love you [kissing]. A million pounds, ach, eye, man. ‘Tis a braw bracht moonlit nicht tonight… (Scottish gibberish) Man, ow!
Burke: What's this chattering reeky wearing the hand-painted brown paper kilt?
Moriarty: Ach, my namy, I'm your old son, Jack McMoriarty. Ow, Scotish-type man, ow, needle-noddle-needle-new, needle-new, needle nodle new. Ow McOw. A million pounds, McOw.
Burke: It must have
been that terrible weekend in
FX: Paper rustling
OMNES: Massed Scottish agreement.
Chisholm: Let me clear my throat first, wait a minute. Right. I, Laird Red Harry MacBurke [spits], being of partial sound mind, leave ma fortune to the first Scotsman to reach the South Pole and play the bagpipes there. The noo.
GRAMS: Running footsteps, bagpipes
Orchestra: Scottish link.
GRAMS: Rushing feet approaching, car brakes
Moriarty: [out of breath] Grytpype? Grytpype?
FX: Dustbin lids of various sizes being banged about.
Moriarty: Grytpype? Where are you?
FX: Dustbins being searched
Moriarty: Grytpype, ow, Grytpype, Grytpype? Which dustbin are you in?
Grytpype: The one with the TV aerial on top.
Moriarty: Listen: A million pounds go to the first man to play the bagpipes at the South Pole!
Grytpype: Curses! Neither of us can play the confounded instrument.
Moriarty: Ah! But we could learn!
Grytpype: No man has ever learned to play the instrument.
Moriarty: I don't wish to know that, but think of what we could do with all the money!
Grytpype: Yes, for a start I could have you painlessly destroyed.
Moriarty: Ah! Ow!
Grytpype: And again.
Grytpype: That's your pair of ows complete for the day.
Moriarty: There's nothing like a pair of ows for fun
Grytpype: To continue. Ah... Greenslade? Would you read my part, dear boy, I'm rather tired to say it now.
Greenslade: Right. [reads] There's only one man living who has that much fat on him.
Grytpype: I said that?
Greenslade: Yep. You said, 'I know the man, it's Neddy Seagoon.'
Grytpype: Neddy Seagoon? I wonder what he's doing now?
Seagoon: I've been wondering when I'd get a line in the show, that's what I've been wondering! It's me, folks, Neddy! [laughs]
Seagoon: Well done, well done, well done, settle down, settle down...
Grytpype: Where are you at the moment, Neddy?
Seagoon: At Roughton house.
Grytpype: Which one are you?
Grytpype: Come, Moriarty...
Grytpype: ...Follow that Whoosh.
Orchestra: Scottish music link
Sir Bealbum: Oh, ooh. I've been in Roughton House for 89 years. How long have you been in residency in Roughton House
Seagoon: I was born here, Sir Bealbum. I've never done a day's work in my life. Here's my OBE to prove it [laughs]
Sir Bealbum: Oh, oh... how proud your mother must be of your ohb.
Seagoon: Yes... of course, I have a private income.
Sir Bealbum: [gasps] A *private* income? Where from, lad?
Seagoon: The Labour Exchange.
FX: Rapid knocking on door
Seagoon: Quick! Into the bath chairs, it might be work!
FX: Chains rattling
Seagoon: [laughs] [old] Come in, sir.
Grytpype: Are you Neddy Seagoon?
Seagoon: [old] yes, but I, I'm too old for work...
I've always been delicate... since I fell off the top of
Grytpype: What were you doing up there?
Grytpype: Fishing? 29,000 feet above sea level?
Seagoon: Well, I, ah, I had a long line. [laughs] Do you get it? A long line? [laughs, subdued] Ahem.
Grytpype: Inmates, I'm here to offer one of you work.
Voices: [generally unwilling, ill] Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb.
Grytpype: Let me explain. We are offering a thousand pounds for a man to play the bagpipes.
FX: Silence, Then Massed Scottish Bagpipe bands
Grytpype: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now, who can we interview first?
Moriarty: You may interview Jock McGeldray.
Seagoon: All lies! That wasn't bagpipes, that was a nose. I'm your man, I'm fit. Feel the muscles on these teeth! I can play the pipes! Needle-noddle-needle-noddle, needle-noodle-nodle-nuuuu!
Grytpype: All right, Neddy, all right, all right. Listen carefully. These five envelopes numbered one to ten contain your instructions. Open one at a time.
FX: Envelope opening
Seagoon: I see. 'You
will go to
Cabbie: Yes, mate, where to?
Seagoon: That's my affair. You just drive.
Cabbie: All right.
FX: Car starting, with trouble, fails
Cabbie: That'll be four and three, mate.
Seagoon: What for?
Cabbie: A new starter.
Seagoon: So you want a starter, eh? Right, on your mark, get set, go!
FX: Pistol shot
Grams: Running, mouth-made car sounds, slow to fast
Cabbie: Oooeerr Mate... mate....
Seagoon: [laughs] Oh, fiend, Seagoon! And, so
saying, I entered
FX: Door opens, shop bell rings.
Seagoon: Anybody in?
Grytpype: You are. Min, min? It's a man chained to a bed.
Seagoon: Good morning.
Minnie Bannister: Good morning.
Henry Crun: and Minnie Bannister: [a chorus of 'morning's]
Seagoon: Good morning, thank you! [after various good mornings in there, too] How very, very pleasant. Just a moment, while I open envelop No. 2.
FX: Opens envelope
Seagoon: [mad laughter] Yes! It says I must buy a South Pole expedition.
Grytpype: What size, sir?
Seagoon: Well, I take a six and 7/8ths stomach.
Grytpype: Double X, Min.
Minnie Bannister: Double X coming up, buddy. [wraps it up] There, there you are, buddy, modern buddy.
Grytpype: Try this blizzard on for size.
FX: Blizzard sounds
Seagoon: Just a minute! This blizzard's got a hole in the trousers! The wind's getting in!
Grytpype: You haven't done the zip-up, sir.
Seagoon: Ah ha! Woo! [laughs] that's better. Next, I want a pair of arctic bagpipes.
Crun: Ah, here we have the very thing.
Minnie Bannister: [mumbling] We have the phish-too…
Grytpype: Ah, the phish-too, they are filled with anti-freeze.
Seagoon: I knew her well. Envelope no. 3 says:
Greenslade: [reading] You will form your expedition
up on the
Seagoon: Right! Goodbye! Hup!
Little Jim: He's fallen in the water!
Greenslade: Meantime, in the Antarctic, a certain person, claiming to be of Scottish blood, has joined in the chase.
Orchestra: Bloodnok theme with Scottish overtones
Grams: Extended raspberry. Strange Hindu fire-engine noises.
Bloodnok: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh, me pipes are frozen! Oh! Oh oh oh oh! Singhiz, Singhiz!
Singhiz-Thingz: Coming, Major, coming sir. Coming…..
Bloodnok: Get you and your babu* friend to thaw out me pipes, will you?
Singhiz-Thingz: Mr Lalkaka! Where are you purporting to be, sir?
Lalkaka: Ah Mr Banergee! I have been insulating my loin-cloth against the extreme drop in the temperature, d’you understand.
Singhiz-Thingz: It has come upon us to remove the frost condition of Major Bloodnok’s, sir, bagpipes.
Lalkaka: Oh indeed, oh indeed now.
Singhiz-Thingz: Oh, indeed it is true sir.
Lalkaka: Oh indeed! If you would hold the instrument obliquely to the ground then I would be putting the blow-torch along the top, d’you know!
GRAMS: Burning sounds.
Singhiz-Thingz: OHHHHHHWWWW! Mind what you are doing, man! I’m only wearing a loin-cloth man!!
Lalkaka: What are you doing?
Singhiz-Thingz: Steady Lalkaka! You don’t want Singhiz-Thingz to be burned, do you? Please proceed with caution now, and do not intensify the flame or the bagpipe tartan will disintegrate, do you understand?
Lalkaka: I understand.
Singhiz-Thingz: Digha. Digha.
Lalkaka: Shabbash. Oh heavens, man. I wish I was back in Barendah.
for you man, but my heart is in
Lalkaka: You too have been the victim of a terrible explosion then?
Singhiz-Thingz: I am one fat Bengali babu…
Lalkaka: Ahi in khalikat longlee...
Singhiz-Thingz: Missee give me three byes daily..
Lalkaka: …but on Sunday, I get none…
Singhiz-Thingz: What will I do or I shall die…
Lalkaka: …then my wife and children cry…
Singhiz-Thingz: …then they will make a bonfire of me…
Lalkaka: …then they throw me in the sea…
Singhiz-Thingz: …that will be the end of me…
Milligan (under applause - in Australian accent) I don’t like what they’re saying, Jim!
GRAMS: Bagpipes with explosions.
Bloodnok: [screams] Me bagpipes are on fire!
Milligan: [shouting 'fire!']
FX: Fire engines arrive
Bluebottle: I heard the call, stand aside! Hooray! Unrolls hose. Squirt, squirt, squirty, squirty! What's the matter back there? Are you pumping?
Eccles: [distant] Yeah! I'm pumping, my friend!
But there's no water! Oh, somebody clamped the knob. I didn't really need it,
folks! Now then, I've been pumping but there's no water! There never is any
water in the
Bloodnok: Oh, did you
Eccles: I said 'the
Bloodnok: I thought it was too hot for the Antarctic. Captain Idiot!
Capt. Idiot: Yes, sir?
Bloodnok: You fool, you! We're 32,000 miles off course already!
Capt. Idiot: Well, nobody's perfect.
Bloodnok: You naughty-nitty-naughty-nit gentlemen you. Your compass must have been faulty.
Capt. Idiot: Faulty? I can't understand it! It was a perfectly good Christmas cracker I got it out of!
Bloodnok: Was there a guarantee with it?
Capt. Idiot: Oh, yes, it said, em, Question: When is a door not a door? Answer: When it's ajar!
Bloodnok: Well, you know, a guarantee like that cannot easily be dismissed. True, true, true. However, I shall try. Guarantee, Dis-missed!
FX: A few march steps, into cold bagpipe, storm sounds.
Seagoon reached the
Seagoon: Ah, dear. I can't see a foot in this blizzard. Mr. Spriggs, hold yours up.
Jim Spriggs: Hello, Jim, hello, Jeeem! Oh, [applause] you don't have to do this, folks.
Seagoon: What's our position?
Jim Spriggs:Standing up, Jim.
Seagoon: Where's the compass?
Jim Spriggs:Oh! Jim, oh, Jim, I haven't got one, Jim, oh, Jiiiiiiiim.
Seagoon: I'll Jeem you with a club in a minute. Here, pull this cracker.
Jim Spriggs:Oh, look, A compass and a paper hat.
Seagoon: Give it to me, I'm leader of the expedition. There [laughs] how do I look?
Jim Spriggs: Ahhhhhh, Jim!
Seagoon: [laughs] Cheeky!
Jim Spriggs: He knows, you know. [sings:] When you go dancing you seem so entrancing they call you the belle of the ball! When you go dancing...
Jim Spriggs: Don't like clubbing, Jim.
Seagoon: [laughs] Now, let's get on to the South Pole. Check the compass. 91 degrees north. 87 degrees west.
Jim Spriggs: Where are we?
Seagoon: Lost, But! I have the exact position of it!
FX: Fog horn
Capt. Tom: Ahoy, there, mariners! [and other salty talk]
Seagoon: Look! [laughs] We're saved! A ship where the captain's name is Tom! [shouts] Ahoy, who are you?
Capt. Tom: We're the Woolwich Free ferry!
Seagoon: You're 15,000 miles from Woolwich, your compass must be wrong.
Capt. Tom: I got it out of a Christmas cracker!
Seagoon: I must get a
new compass. Could you take me back to
Capt. Tom: Have you got a ticket?
Seagoon: No, where do I get it from?
Capt. Tom: Ticket office on Woolwich Pier.
Seagoon: Right! I won't be long. Hup!
Little Jim: He's fallen in the water again!
Orchestra: Dramatic Link.
Greenslade: Seven years later...
Capt. Tom: Well, I tell you, if he ain't back in another 10 minutes I'm not waiting no longer. My dinner's getting cold.
Capt. Tom: Ah, here he come now, give us a hand, my darling.
FX: Water against bulkhead
Seagoon: Ah, ah, darling friend.
Capt. Tom: Did you get your, your ticket, my darling?
Seagoon: No, it was half-day early closing.
Capt. Tom: [heaving sound]
Seagoon: You swine, you'll pay for this!
Capt. Tom: How much?
Seagoon: Three pounds down and three shillings up!
Capt. Tom: Argh!
Orchestra: Dramatic Link.
Greenslade: Hello, folks, a special announcement: slowly, oh, so slowly, Neddy's ice flow floated nearer the South Pole
Seagoon: As we neared the South Pole, we ran into Bloodnok and his party.
FX: Big crash.
Bloodnok: You silly explorer, you. Didn't you see my indicator sticking out?
Seagoon: I'm sorry, sir, I was conducting Beethoven's 5th Symphony and I wasn't listening.
Bloodnok: Good luck.
Seagoon: I say, I say, those porters of yours; what, what race are they?
Bloodnok: The 3:30, do you want to place any bets?
Seagoon: I'm sorry, all my currency is frozen.
Seagoon: But what are the short ones without beards?
Bloodnok: Those are Eskimos.
Seagoon: And what are the ones who have beards?
Bloodnok: Those are Eskimos who haven't shaved.
Seagoon: I see. But why do only half of them shave?
Bloodnok: So that they can tell the difference. [aside] Can we have music for this bit, please?
Orchestra: Violin 'Hearts and Flowers'
Bloodnok: Thank you.
Seagoon: Tell the difference from what?
Bloodnok: Between those with beards and those without.
Jim Spriggs: I don't like this, Jim.
All: Shut up, shut up...
Seagoon: Singing fool. To avoid all this confusion, why don't the ones without beards grow beards?
Bloodnok: Well, that would be rather unfair.
Seagoon: Unfair? Why?
Bloodnok: The ones without beards are women, you see. That's how they tell the difference, you understand.
Seagoon: This is ridiculous. I've never known a family's growing beards in the friendship between the sexes. I mean, have you, Eccles?
Eccles: Oh, yeah. It happened in my family. When I was young, I couldn't tell the difference between my mother or father, so my father made my mother grow a beard.
Seagoon: Ahhh, and you were able to tell the difference?
Seagoon: Why not?
Eccles: My father had a beard, too!
All: Shut up, shut up... [various, in agony, striking Eccles]
Jim Spriggs: I don't like clubbing, Jim.
Orchestra: Wailing bagpipe link
Seagoon: [agonized laughter] Now then, what does the third envelope say?
Envelope: I say, You're two miles from the Pole.
Seagoon: Did you hear that, Bloodnok?
Bloodnok: Yes, I did, a man doing an impression of an envelope.
Eskimo: Major, Major, look, a polar bear is approaching!
Bloodnok: My goodness, yes, and he must be very old, it's gone white with age!
Eskimo: No, he's wearing a wig.
Bloodnok: Oh, that's what it is. It's coming this way.
Seagoon: Don't worry, I've got a gun.
Bloodnok: Shoot, Seagoon, shoot!
Eccles: Okay, I shot Seagoon, what now?
Seagoon: You fool, Eccles!
Eccles: Oh, I was only pretending to shoot, I wasn't really shooting, I was only... Bang! Buzarang, bang, bang, bang! Down goes the polar bear, down goes the polar bear! Bang, bang-bum, BANG! Click! Click? I must have run out of bullets! Nope, nope, nope, thank you...
Jim Spriggs: I don't like this clubbing, Jim.
Seagoon: You idiots! While you've been playing naughty games the bear's escaped in a taxi! We'll camp here for the night. Tomorrow, the South Pole!
Orchestra: Link music
Grams: Blizzard sounds
Eccles: (Sleeping sounds)
Bluebottle: You asleep, Eccles?
Bluebottle: You asleep, Eccles?
Bluebottle: You're a man of the world, ain't you, Eccles?
Eccles: Yeah, Bottle?
Bluebottle: You ever been to the South Pole?
Eccles: No, but I
once jumped off
Bluebottle: Oh, how nice for you, Eccles.
Eccles: Well, I, I didn't want to do it, Bottle, but a man paid me to commit suicide for him.
Bluebottle: Did he die then?
Eccles: No, that was the trouble. When I got back on top he was still alive.
Bluebottle: What did he do?
Eccles: He asked for his money back!
Bluebottle: And did you?
Eccles: Well, I had to, I went to a doctor and the doctor said I wasn't dead.
Bluebottle: Oh, well, don't you worry, Eccles, being dead isn't everything in life.
Orchestra: Ominous music
Bluebottle: What's that modern-type music?
Seagoon: It is meant to indicate a disaster. During the night there was a crack in the ice and the sledge with the bagpipes fell in. All this way for nothing!
Bloodnok: Look! The South Pole is only over there by that bus stop. Can't we make some bagpipes?
Seagoon: No, we, we haven't any plans. We need hollow pipes, in any case, we need to drill holes in them.
Bloodnok: I can drill holes. Holes! Left turn! Quick march!
FX: Holes marching away
Seagoon: You fool! You've let the holes march away! All is lost!
Eccles: Don't cry, Neddy, me and Bottle's got a set of bagpipes.
Bluebottle: Yes, we put hot water in them and used them as hot-water bottles.
Seagoon: You did? [laughs maniacally]
Eccles: What's the matter with him?
Seagoon: Give them to me. I must have that thousand pounds.
Bloodnok: No, no, no, I must have it, me, Eccles, me, me.
Seagoon: I saw you first, I knew you when you were... Eccles, please!
Eccles: Wait a minute, wait a minute, what do you want my bagpipes for? What's the matter with you?
Seagoon: My child...
Bluebottle: Be careful with them, Eccles, I know their tricks.
Eccles: What do they do?
Bluebottle: One of them holds up a hoop and the other jumps through it.
Seagoon: Bloodnok, Bloodnok, let's be sensible, let's be sensible, if we get these bagpipes... [laughs maniacally] we can share the pishtu money
Seagoon: Share the money! [laughs]
Bloodnok: Let's overpower them.
Seagoon: Right! I'll take my socks off now!
Grams: Various military sounds; blizzard; bagpipes
Grytpype: Yes, Moriarty, one of them got to the Pole and played the bagpipes. Unfortunately, owing to the blizzard, I can't make out who it is.
Greenslade: But, by next week, however, we hope to know. So, tune in for the results. Good night, all.
Grams: End theme
Greenslade: That was the Goon Show, a BBC-recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with George Chisholm, the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray, and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer, Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Charles Chilton.