THE
MYSTERY OF THE FAKE NEDDIE SEAGOONS
GOON
SHOW: TLO 16989
7TH
SERIES: No 9
RECORDED:
29 Nov 1956
Script by Spike Milligan
and Larry Stephens
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Home Service. Something follows almost immediately.
GRAMS: Series of falling objects. A key, a bottle, timber offcuts, rusty piping etc, falling onto brick pavement, floor, into a bucket etc. End with duck whistle.
SEAGOON: Ah - they don't make things like that any more.
GREENSLADE: What was it Mr. Seagoon?
SEAGOON: Me.
GREENSLADE: You mean that at one time they were mass-producing Neddie Seagoons?
SEAGOON: Only a limited number for connoisseurs you understand. You see, at that time there were only a limited number of connoisseurs. He he!
GREENSLADE: Are you implying that there are other Ned Seagoons in existence?
SEAGOON: Yes - but there's only one signed original.
GREENSLADE: Ah! Who owns that?
SEAGOON: My wife.
GRAMS: Chattering woman played back at double speed.
SEAGOON: Coming dear! (Aside) I'm the master really you know.
GREENSLADE: (Feminine) Yes - I'm sure you are dear.
SEAGOON: Oh - stop taking the mickey! I'm the funny man - I get the laughs in this show. Watch!
GRAMS: Roars of laughter – several female shrieks.
GREENSLADE: Mister Seagoon - pull your trousers up at once. This is not I.T.V. television! Now - if you'll just shave your head and put on this bald ginger wig, you'll be ready for your part in 'The Great Art Mystery - The Case of the Fake Neddie Seagoon.'
ORCHESTRA: Horror Film Introduction.
GRYTPYPE: I'll never forget the day I met Neddie. The golden morning sunlight was bathing the Devon hills as he made his way through a reeking slum alley off Lisle Street.[1]
SEAGOON: (Singing to himself.) By the dustbins of Rome where I met her, by the dustbins ....[2]
GRAMS: Whoosh.
FX: Clang of dustbin lid.
SPIKE: (Imitation of alley cat.) Rrrrrrrroaw! Ahrrrrraaaaow!
SEAGOON: Ah – it’s an impression of a cat done by Spike Milligan.
SPIKE: Thank you. Further cat noises will follow. Thank you!
SEAGOON. (Does Percy Edwards know about this?) Here pussy - a fishbone for you and a fish bone for me. (Gulps)
GRAMS: Sound of fishbone descending gullet. Blunt instrument dragged across corrugations of rubber tractor tyre.
GREENSLADE: (Over) Listeners - the sound you are hearing is the fishbone actually passing down Mr. Seagoon's gullet on its way south. Only with the modern miracle of wireless is this possible. We now return you to the speaking end of Seagoon.
SEAGOON: (Burps) Oh that's better! Ah - now then, let’s see what dainty moral is in here.
FX: Dustbin lid.
SEAGOON: (Nauseated) Pheeeeeouw!
MORIARTY: Go away - this rubbish is reserved for members of Rowton House.[3]
SEAGOON: What are you doing in this dustbin?
GRYTPYPE: We're waiting for the next delivery.
SEAGOON: I have the fishing rights for all these bins I tell you. Out you get!
MORIARTY: Sapristi nabbolas! Take that… PHISH -
GRAMS: Jelly splosh.
FX: Dominos into a bucket.
SEAGOON: (Toothless) Owww! My teeth! You devil of the dustbins.
GRYTPYPE: Neddie - how dare you strike Moriarty in his army boot with the full force of your teeth!
ECCLES: What's going on here?
GRYTPYPE: Nothing.
ECCLES: Oh – I’d better go then.
GREENSLADE: The part of the mysterious stranger was played by Eccles. The rest of him was played by Rawicz and Landauer. [4]
SEAGOON: All of you - clear off from these dustbins. Go on shoo! Get out of it!
GRYTPYPE: (Aside) Moriarty - I've just recognised him. He's a Neddie Seagoon!
MORIARTY: Oooooooooowwooohh! Type O!
GRYTPYPE: If he's an original Neddie Seagoon, he's worth a fortune. (Aloud – as smooth as silk) Er, Neddie?
SEAGOON: (Toothless) What-what-what-what-what-what-what?
GRYTPYPE: Neddie - we owe you an apology. Allow me to reset your teeth free of charge.
ORCHESTRA: Quick hot xylophone break ending with ascending glissando.
SEAGOON: Ta.
MORIARTY: Thank you! Neddie - let us escort you into your rightful dustbin lad.
FX: Clang of dustbin lid down.
GRYTPYPE: Got him!
SEAGOON: (Muffled) Let me out! Let me out!
GRYTPYPE: Let's go and get the car from somebody's garage and take him to an art expert for cleaning and restoring.
MORIARTY: Ooowww – the money! We’ll make money out of him. The grisbee!
GRAMS: Two whooshes.
SEAGOON: Curse! Trapped inside a dark, donk dustbin. But wait - there's somebody in the dustbin with me! He's coming over. I’ll pretend I haven't seen him.
FX: Footsteps on wooden floor – gradually getting closer. They slow down and stop.
ECCLES: Hellooooo.
SEAGOON: It's the famous Eccles!
ECCLES: It's the famous Eccles!
SEAGOON: How did you get in this dustbin?
ECCLES: I got influence. I know the man at the door.
SEAGOON: Then you can help me get out of here.
ECCLES: Get out of here! Who wants to get out of a place like this? This is livin' – I’ve never had it so good![5]
SEAGOON: Listen - look! Dear listeners - through the bead curtains of the dustbin I saw a large dustcart draw up outside. To the sound of silent bugles, two dustmen slid to the ground and rolled themselves towards us.
ECCLES: Yeah - that's the W.V.S. Dustbin Collection Society.[6]
SEAGOON: Really! What's it for?
ECCLES: They make parcels of rubbish up for the poor peoples of Acton.
SEAGOON: What for?
ECCLES: What for!? There's people in Acton who can't afford rubbish of their own.
SEAGOON: Even as the famous Eccles[7] spoke our bin was hoisted aboard the ghostly dustcart and driven away to the sound of Max Geldray.
MAX GELDRAY - 'BOO-DAH' [8]
SECOMBE: (As if pushed.) Ahhhhhhh!
GRAMS: Heavy splash.
GREENSLADE: That was Max Geldray playing an entrechat[9] on an unloaded seagull. Next week, 'Fifty Years of Song' arranged for wardrobe and Ernest Longstaff.[10] Book your teeth early! And now we return you to a certain type of entertainment.
ORCHESTRA: Last eight bars of ‘Limehouse Blues’ played fast in 2/4 time. Finish with ‘HOI!’ from band.
FX: Damped piano strings in time to Crun’s words.[11]
CRUN: (With difficulty) Mmmm... Ooahhhoo... Mnyoooh. Aaah! Oooowggghnnnawww… Nyoooohh.
BANNISTER: Oh dear. Oh dear, dear, dear… oh! Where are you Henry?
FX: Damped piano strings thumped in time. (Continue)
CRUN: I'm trapped behind the rosewood piano Min.
BANNISTER: Ooooh dear! Which rosewood piano are you behind Henry?
CRUN: Which? How many rosewood pianos have we got Min?
BANNISTER: I'll count them Henry. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven… (Fades out still counting. Fades back in.) forty, forty-five, forty-six…(Fades out. Fades back in again.) … five, fifty-six, fifty-seven – oh dear. (Fades out. Fades in again.) Sixty-eight Henry.
FX: Piano continues as before.
CRUN: That's the one. I'm behind one of that one Min.
BANNISTER: Keep still Henry. I’ll get it off your....
FX: Sounds of moving piano. Various lumps of wood falling. Vibrations. Strings hit with blunt instrument. Heavy thuds. &c
CRUN & BANNISTER: (Improvise groans and moans over.)
BANNISTER: There you are Henry, you can come out now. (Shock) Ouyeoyeoyeoouoh! Eeyeoooweeeohhwhoou!
FX: Damped piano strings again.
CRUN: What's the matter Min?
BANNISTER: You're not behind this piano Henry.
FX: Tremolo on damped piano strings.
CRUN: (Desperate) Oh dear - you'd better find me soon Min. You’d better find me sooon!
FX: Knock on door.
BANNISTER: Oooohhh!
CRUN: I'll get it Bebe.
BANNISTER: Okay Ben.[12] I wonder how many people will recognise that impression of modern type radio show?
FX: Door opens. A couple of slow footsteps.
CRUN: What is it gentlemen?
SPRIGGS: I’m sorry to interrupt you in the middle of the day sir, but I have a load of rubbish for you outside.
CRUN: (Calls) It's a music publisher Min![13]
SPRIGGS: You don't understand sir and Maurice Berman.[14] What I mean is we have a dustbin of selected rubbish especially for yooouuu!
CRUN: You mean it's free?
SPRIGGS: Yep! Not a penny piece to pay!
CRUN: (Fibrillations) Ohheeyooooh. Min - Min!
BANNISTER: Steady Hen! I hope you’ve got your binder on. Ah, did he say rubbish? Oh, at least we can look our neighbours in the face. We've got our own rubbish! O Hallelujah!
CRUN: Would you just leave it in the hall here mister man?
BANNISTER: Yes, yes. You must excuse the mess, sir, but we've got us in.
FX: Clangs of dustbins.
SPRIGGS: (Strains) Aargh - there madam. And there's plenty more rubbish where that came from. England's getting back on its feet I tell you! Good-day to you sir.
FX: Door closes.
CRUN: Ohh - look Min! Our own rubbish at last!
BANNISTER: Oooooh! Henry, where shall we put it?
CRUN: On the mantelpiece where people can see it Min.
SEAGOON: (Very muffled) Let me out! Let me out!
BANNISTER: Oh, ooooooh Henry! The rubbish bin spoke Henry!
CRUN: It's not dead yet Min. It's still ponging.
BANNISTER: PING!
CRUN: PONG!
BANNISTER: PINNNNG!
SEAGOON: (Very muffled) Pong!.
BANNISTER: PING!
CRUN: Come out from inside you coward. Come out and fight - Minnie Bannister!
FX: Dustbin lid flung off.
SEAGOON: Please help me.
ECCLES: Please help him.
SEAGOON: I've been kidnapped!
ECCLES: He's been kidnapped!
SEAGOON: Shut up Eccles!
ECCLES: Shut up Eccles!
CRUN: Don't you try and lie your way out of this. You're our rubbish!
FX: Door bursts open.
MORIARTY: Hnorrroh hooow! Nobody move! We've got him Grytpype.
GRYTPYPE: Yes Neddie. Don't try anything funny - we want the laughs here. Now get inside that piano.
SEAGOON: But I'm not musical.
GRYTPYPE: I know - I've bought your records.
SEAGOON: What-what-what-what-what?
MORIARTY: Sapristi! Stop joking! Get inside that rosewood piano.
SEAGOON: No - it might be infectious.
GRYTPYPE: Don't worry. I shall drive.
SEAGOON: I was forced at poistul punt into the back of the piano and driven away at break-neck speed, by a driver with a broken neck.
GRAMS: Car starting up very fast. Overlay of piano playing – start it at proper speed then gradually speed it right up. Fade under.
MORIARTY: Faster Grytpype, faster! Can't this piano go any faster?
GRYTPYPE: No – I'm out of practice. I haven't played for years.
GRAMS: Police siren.
SEAGOON: I'm saved. We're being gonged by a police piano.
GRAMS: Piano music stops. Squeal of tyres. Police siren crescendos and stops. ORCHESTRA: Saxophone plays rough version of ‘Policeman’s Holiday’. [15]
MORIARTY: Sapristi! Here comes a police saxophonist.
GRYTPYPE: Yes. Keep Seagoon covered with this copy of Chopin's Nocturnes.
SEAGOON: You devil! You know I don't know it.
CONSTABLE: [16] (Approaching) 'Allo, ‘allo. What's goin' on 'ere? Do you know you're breakin' the law?
GRYTPYPE: What's the charge?
CONSTABLE: Playing the piano on the wrong side of the street. Fined five pound.
GRYTPYPE: Well naturally. It's a French piano.
CONSTABLE: Then the fine will be five hundred francs.
GRAMS: Cash register.
CONSTABLE: Mercki. And here's an aerial photograph of a receipt.
ORCHESTRA: Taa raa! Thin chord. Cymbal snap.
GREENSLADE: Part three, in which Neddie is taken to an art expert's to discover whether or not he is an original Seagoon. Over then to the expert.
ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme.
BLOODNOK: Aeiooooooughooooughhhoh! That’s better! Oohahh.[17] Never again – never again. Now Abdul?
ABDUL: Yes, European type Major sir?
BLOODNOK: Here are those export masterpieces for the Americas. Just check this list would you? Original Portrait of Miss Marilyn Monroe by Michelangelo.
ABDUL: Ha ha ha! Alright sir.
BLOODNOK: President Eisenhower by Gainsborough.
ABDUL: Good luck sir! And Gainsborough by President Eisenhower.
BLOODNOK: Excellent. Good, good, good. Vincent van Gogh by Kirk Douglas R.A. I say – what's he doing in the Artillery?[18]
ABDUL: Making a film sir.
BLOODNOK: Ohhhhhhhh!
GRAMS: Whistle, triangle, factory whistle, duck call, cash register, cork popping, old motor horn, burp. All done at even tempo, slight reverb.
BLOODNOK: Answer the door Abdul.
ABDUL: Right sir.
FX: A long sequence of about 20 doors opening in rapid succession, chains, bars and locks being opened. Knocking continues behind everything. ABDUL over all shouting “I’m coming Sir!” Suddenly stops.
ABDUL: Yes sir?
GRYTPYPE: Thank you. Nervous of burglars?
MORIARTY: Bloodnok, we want to see if this is an original Seagoon or not.
SEAGOON: What! You're going to examine me?
BLOODNOK: Only down wind. Now - as with all oil paintings like this ...
SEAGOON: What? I'm no oil painting.
BLOODNOK: I'll say you're not .... we must first remove the layers of centuries of dirt and grime.
SEAGOON: What-what-what-what-what-what-what-what-what-what!
BLOODNOK: Silung painting!
SEAGOON: I tell you there's no need for this. I am the original Neddie Seagoon. I've got the signature on my bottom left-hand corner.
BLOODNOK: Whose?
SEAGOON: My father's.
BLOODNOK: Let me see.
FX: Ripping cloth.
SEAGOON: Oooop!
BLOODNOK: (Reads) ‘Fred Seagoon’. Yes - the signature's genuine. But wait! Your bottom left-hand corner looks to me like a forgery.
SEAGOON: But it can't be. I use my bottom left-hand corner every day.
BLOODNOK: We shall soon see. Quick – get him in this bath of turpentine!
GRAMS: Splash. Continue splashing under.
SEAGOON: Ooooooeeeeeough! Bulululululuuluuu… (Gargles)
BLOODNOK: Now - while he's soaking, let us listen to this oil painting of Ray Ellington.
ELLINGTON QUARTET – “IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH ME” [19]
FX: Hammer and chisel chipping stone. Continue under.
GREENSLADE: The sound you are hearing folks, is Major Bloodnok chipping away at the outer layer of the Neddie Seagoon in question.
SEAGOON: Whoop! Mind what you're doing down there Bloodnok.
BLOODNOK: Silung! Gentlemen and Moriarty…
MORIARTY: Ahwww.
GYRTPYPE: Yes?
BLOODNOK: After extensive tests I have removed Seagoon's outer layer, and guess what I found underneath? A portrait of a man in his underwear. Gentlemen, this Neddie Seagoon is a forgery!
SEAGOON: Me, a forgery? This is a trick – a plot – a plit – a trock – a plick – a trot… I'm Seddie Neagoon! I'll say that again. It's a kick – a plock! I'm Deggie Sea…!
GREENSLADE: Excuse me, may I help?
SEAGOON: Ah, a trained talker. Proceed!
GREENSLADE: Thank you. (Declamatory) It's a trick, a plot! I'm Neddie Seagoon.
FX: Clang of dustbin lid down.
GRYTPYPE: Got him!
MORIARTY: Awwwwh! Well done Grytpype. So – Wallace the Greenslade is the original Neddie the Seagoon, over painted with a portrait of a BBC announcer.
BLOODNOK: Yes – it'll take years to remove all those layers of Greenslading.
GREENSLADE: (Groans) Oooooh!
SEAGOON: I tell you I am the original Neddie Seagoon.
BLOODNOK: Nonsense! You're only a head and shoulders.
SEAGOON: I'm a full-length portrait.
BLOODNOK: No man your size could be a full-length.
SEAGOON: I was six-foot three when I was young, but I was struck by a lift.
MORIARTY: Wait a minute! (That may have gone well at the Palladium, but listen to me…)[20] Explain to me Neddie – if you are an original Neddie Seagoon, why are you such a funny shape?
SEAGOON: I was done by Picasso.
GRYTPYPE: Bloodnok, we're taking Greenslade to the only man who can tell us whether he's an original Greenslade, or a fake Seagoon.
SEAGOON: Who's that?
GRYTPYPE: John Snagge.
ORCHESTRA: Thin chord. Choked cymbal.
GRYTPYPE: (Breathless) We're back.
SEAGOON: Well?
MORIARTY: The Greenslade was a fake. After we removed the layers of Greenslade, look what we found underneath…
FX: Dustbin lid up.
BLUEBOTTLE: Hello Captain.
SEAGOON: Good heavens - a genuine Bluebottle by El Greco.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes - Jim El Greco of Finchley. I'm going to be hung in the National Gallery.
SEAGOON: Splendid. I must get tickets. So you were the person behind Greenslade!
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes – I was the brains. I was just using his large-type front and posh-type talking act to work my way to a position of importance in the BBC.
SEAGOON: Silly lad! There are no positions of importance in the BBC.
MORIARTY: I agree. Now sapristi – the question is where is the original Neddie Seagoon?
BLUEBOTTLE: My auntie's got an original Neddie Seagoon.[21]
MORIARTY: (Low) Owwwww! [22] Listen little friend of man, little nice cardboard mate - if I give you this quarter of dolly mixtures, would you show me this original?
BLUEBOTTLE: Cor! Dolly mixtures. Thinks – with that quarter of dolly mixture I can show him the original thing. Follow me!
ORCHESTRA: Thin chord. Cymbal crash.
BLUEBOTTLE: Part two!
FX: Knock on door. Door opens.GRYTPYPE: Good evening madame. Er, we understand you have an original.
BANNISTER: Oh dear. Come in will you. I'll...
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, hello Auntie. Hello Auntie Min.
BANNISTER: It’s young Bottle! Why aren't you at school Bottle?
BLUEBOTTLE: It's broken up for winter. They're using it as firewood.
BANNISTER: Oh I love those old Etonian customs. [23]
GRYTPYPE: Ah ha ha! Yes Madame. Could we inspect the original?
BANNISTER: I don't know where Henry… He’s behind the Rosewood piano you know. He’s been there eighteen years. He must need a shave now.
BLUEBOTTLE: Never mind that Min. I know where it is – it’s in this dustbin.
FX: Dustbin lid off.
ECCLES: Hello!
GRYTPYPE: This idiot isn't an original Seagoon.
ECCLES: This idiot is the famous Eccles.
BLOODNOK: Wait a moment. I recognise that thin veneer. Quick - get behind this X-ray screen.
GRAMS: Electric buzzing sound. Continue under.
BLOODNOK: Just as I thought! He's had a plate of porridge for breakfast.
SEAGOON: (Aside) (Feed line.) (Aloud) How do you know?
BLOODNOK: I can see the plate! Quick - get him in this bath of turpentine.
GRAMS: Heavy splash.
ECCLES: Help!
GRAMS: More splashing. Continue under,
SEAGOON: Helllpppp! Heeeelpppp!
BLOODNOK: Look! Just as I thought - the Eccles has washed away revealing an original Neddie Seagoon by Elder the Brueghel. [24]
SEAGOON: Rubbish - that man is not an original Seagoon!
GRAMS: Recording. SEAGOON: I'll have you know I am!
SEAGOON: What-what-what-what-what-what-what-what-what?
GRAMS: Recording. SEAGOON: Please don’t do that full face!
SEAGOON: I can prove that I'm the original Seagoon. Listen – (Sings scale to ‘mai’.)
GRAMS: Recording. SEAGOON: (Sings phrase.) ‘Talor dal mio forziere…’ [25] Let that be a lesson to you, you imposter!
SEAGOON: I’m not an imposter! (Continues arguing over recording.)
GRAMS: Recording. SEAGOON: (Slightly speeded up.)Imposter! Imposter! [26] Don’t say that face telling me about… (Unclear sentence.) Well, my mother was a famous lady…. (Further unclear sentence.)Even I know this! Take that stomach off. I know you! You were struck by a lift when you were twelve. Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Who was that lady I saw you with last night?
SEAGOON: (Rapidly) Thatwasnoladythatwasmywife!
GRAMS: Recording. SEAGOON: (Slightly speeded up.) I don’t wish to know that! etc
SEAGOON: (Rapidly) Theshortfellowwiththeglasseshasbeendoinghisnut!
BLOODNOK: Stop! Please! Just a moment – stand side by side. Now listeners – dear listeners, take a good look and decide which one you think is the genuine Neddie Seagoon. The end follows almost immediately. Good-night. (Exit muttering.) I don’t know how we get away with it.
CAST: I know. Neither do I.
ORCHESTRA: PLAYOUT
GREENSLADE: (Over – with Bluebottle imitating him.) That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens - announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme was produced by Pat Dixon.
ORCHESTRA: SIG. TUNE UP TO END.
MAX & QUARTET: 'STOMPIN' AT THE SAVOY' [27]
YTI 