PERSONAL NARRATIVE
GOON
SHOW: TLO 16600
7TH
SERIES: No 8
BROADCAST:
22 Nov 1956[1]
Script
by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC. We present…
SEADOG:[2]
The Personal Narrative of Captain Neddie Seagoon RN, a jolly jack tar in the employ of His Majesties’
Navy.
FX: Ocean swell.
Creaking timbers. Slap of sails. Wind in rigging.
SEADOG: (Shouting
aloft) Moby Dick on the Bernard Miles![3]
Arrrrggg!
ORCHESTRA: Nautical theme.
GRAMS: Ocean swell,
creaking timbers and wind.
SEAGOON: Log of HMS Resistance,[4] eighteenth
of May 1662. Squalled all day - child must be teething. Position nor-nor east of Dover. Heard a knock
at the door…
FX: Three short sharp
knocks.
SEAGOON: …said ‘come in’.
WILLIUM: Oh captain mate RN. I've just spotted someone in the
crows nest.
SEAGOON: Really?
WILLIUM: Yeah, and he’s spotted something on the horizon.
SEAGOON: Describe it.
WILLIUM: Well, it was a big long thing made of wood - sharp at
one end, blunt at the other, with sailors on it.
SEAGOON: A SHIP!
WILLIUM: I thought it were, but only I – well, I didn't like
talking out of turn.
SEAGOON: Whose turn was it?
WILLIUM: Your'n. That's why I let you say it mate RN.
SEAGOON: Thank you mate RN. You say they're made of wood eh? Hand
me my telescope.
WILLIUM: Here.
SEAGOON: Mmmn, mnnm. Yes, that's wood alright.
WILLIUM: You're looking at the inside of our cabin mate.
SEAGOON: So I am. What a silly RN. Open the porthole Willium from
the inside.
WILLIUM: Oh.
SEAGOON: I just like to make these points clear, you understand.
GRAMS: Spring.
SEAGOON: Thank you. Gad - you're right Willium. It is a ship.
It's Dutch!
WILLIUM: You sure?
SEAGOON: Certainly, it's wearing clogs. Captain Lawnmower?
CAPTAIN: Aye aye sir?
SEAGOON: Yes, you sir. These Dutch ships - find out where they
come from.
CAPTAIN: I'll just look it up sir.
FX: Leafing through
book.
CAPTAIN: Ah… um… 'D'… ah
- Dutch come from Holland sir.
SEAGOON: Foreigners! Gentlemen, keep my dinner warm - I'm
going to inform the Admirality. Goodbye!
GRAMS: Brisk
footsteps. Sudden splash.
MORIARTY: Pssssst - Grytpype.
GRYTPYPE: Yes?
MORIARTY: How long must we hide in this reeking powder barrel?
GRYTPYPE: Not long now Moriarty. Seagoon's heading for London -
we've got to stop him.
MORIARTY: Perquoise?
GRYTPYPE: Perquoise!? This Dutch spy Max von Geldray crouching
behind you, says that the Hollanders will pay ten thousand guilders if we can
sabotage the British fleet. That's what
you said isn't it?
GELDRAY: (At speed) Ik loop terug voor kerstmis over de Ierse Zee, hey![5]
MORIARTY: What did he say?
GRYTPYPE: I don't know, but there you are. He's offering five thousand guilders if we
can stop Seagoon.
MORIARTY & GRYTPYPE: (Variously) Let's go! Ohh!
Money!
GRAMS: Two sets of
footsteps running away. Two sets of splashes.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic nautical link.
GRAMS: Noise of
crickets. Fade under.
GRYTPYPE: My moon dial says it's nearly midnight. Any sign of
him yet?
MORIARTY: No, but he has got to go past here. This is the only road that runs direct
between his ship and London.
GRYTPYPE: Is he coming by road?
MORIARTY: No - by horse. I tell you he's got to pass this point
- I've spent all day sharpening it.
GRYTPYPE: Never mind the needle nardle noo. Have you prepared
Captain Seagoon RN’s fatal accident?
MORIARTY: (Overexcited) Awwraorighaw!
Yes I have. I've stretched fourteen trip wires across the road…
GRYTPYPE: Supposing the horse jumps them?
MORIARTY: Then the riders head will come in contact with a
hundred ton iron girder suspended from a twig.
GRYTPYPE: I see… I see. But what if he misses both?
MORIARTY: Awwwrr - then there's a hundred and fifty foot deep
pit full of deep water.
GRYTPYPE: Trip wires, iron girder, deep pit with deep water - it's
fool proof Moriarty!
MORIARTY: Of course it is!
Of course it is! Shhh! Shhh! Oh Hark! Huck! Hee! Ssss! Here he comes
now.
GRAMS: Horse galloping fast. Swell and fade.
(Short
silence.)
GRYTPYPE: It didn't work.
MORIARTY: Of course not. That wasn't Captain Seagoon RN.
GRYTPYPE: Then where the devil is he?
SEAGOON: (Distant.) I'm
in London!
GRYTPYPE: Quick - after him!
GRAMS: Galloping hooves. Spring. Metal girder hit
with hammer. Huge splash. Swimmer treading water.
MORIARTY: Sapristi! What fool put trip wires, and iron girder
and deep water in our way?
GRYTPYPE: Help me dismount Moriarty.
MORIARTY: Why?
GRYTPYPE: My horse can only swim on his back!
GRAMS: Splashing fades.
GREENSLADE: In London, mean time an important meeting
at the Admiralty is in session.
CAST: (Murmurs.) Naval
rhubarb, naval rhubarb, naval rhubarb etc.
ADMIRAL SPRIGGS: My Lords RN. This courier brings a message
from Sir Richard Grenville RN,[6] who
needs help desssssperately!
ADMIRAL BLOODNOK: Oh - and what is the message, my man?
ECCLES: I have run fifty miles - (Thank you, thank you! Thank you members of the Admiralty.) Now
then, I said I have run fifty miles till I'm out of breath,
I have run all the way in the face of death,
I have
run through the rain and snow and hail,
to
deliver this message without fail.
I have run since early December ...
ADMIRAL BLOODNOK: But what's the message?
ECCLES: … I can't remember.
ADMIRAL BLOODNOK: Look here. Do an impression of a hole and
we'll fill you in later. Next please.
SEAGOON: Sir RN, a Dutch ship under Van Thromp[7] and Van
Driver is in the Channel.
OLD ADMIRAL:[8] Then
England is in danger!
ADMIRAL SPRIGGS: What! This is serious my Lords RN. We'll
have to build a battleship RN.
ADMIRAL FLOWERDEW: My lords RN, as First Sea Lord RN, it's
nothing to do with me but I know we've already got a battleship somewhere. But
I can't think… Erm… I…I… know - I have a picture of it in my bedroom.
ADMIRAL SPRIGGS: Splendid! But where is it?
ADMIRAL FLOWERDEW: Hanging over the wash stand.
SEAGOON: Gentlemen RN, my Lord RN is right. We have got a
battleship! I know - I drive it.
ADMIRAL SPRIGGS: Then have you got a license sir?
SEAGOON: Only a provisional one. So we must attack the Dutch
before it expires.
ADMIRAL SPRIGGS: Very well. The signal for you to open
fire will be a bonfire lit on Nag’s Head. Now report back to your ship and
water. Meantime Max Geldray.
MAX GELDRAY: “This Can’t Be Love”[9]
ORCHESTRA: Naval Theme
CAST: Seamen’s calls.
GRAMS: Naval cannon in action. Whistle of shell.
Explosion.
FX: Typewriter under.
SEAGOON: Nineteenth of May, sixteen fifty-two. Under fire from
Dutch ship. Am waiting for beacon on mainland to signal for me to retaliate.
FX: Door opens.
BLOODNOK: Captain Seagoon, I've just spliced the mainbrace. Fortunately
I didn't tell the crew.
SEAGOON: Splendid news! I've got bad news.
BLOODNOK: What?
SEAGOON: The Dutch have been joined by another ship.
BLOODNOK: Two? We're surrounded! What flag are they flying?
SEAGOON: A white one with an onion on it.
BLOODNOK: Spaniards![10] Let them
all come and then we'll all go.
SEAGOON: Go? Retreat? Admiral Bloodnok you're a miserable
coward!
BLOODNOK: Nonsense! I'm a perfectly happy one do you hear.
GRAMS: Cannon ball hits.
BLOODNOK: Oh!
SEAGOON: Blast! Why don't they light that beacon? If these
Dutch close with us we'll be caught with our pants down!
BLOODNOK: I know. What's holding ‘em up?
SEAGOON: My braces. What's holding yours up?
BLOODNOK: Me!
ORCHESTRA: Corny chord and
cymbal snap.
SEAGOON: Thank you! And now for further news of the beacon
lighting, over to the mainland.
FX: Rapid knocks on
door. Door knob turning, door creaks open.
CRUN: Yes? Yes sir… yes.
DRAGOON:[11] Could
you tell us where the beacon lighter lives please?
CRUN: Number eighteen A, Gallows Lane.
DRAGOON: Is that on this side of the street?
CRUN: Yes it is.
DRAGOON: Thank you. Giddup there. Giddup!
FX: Horse galloping away.
(Speed up and fade)
(Short pause.)
FX: Fade in horse
galloping back again – pulls up.
DRAGOON: Whoooaa!
FX: Urgent door knocks.
Door opens.
CRUN: Yes?
DRAGOON: Is this eighteen A, Gallows Lane?
CRUN: Yes! I told you it was on this side of the street.
DRAGOON: I'd like to have words with the official beacon
lighter - very urgent.
CRUN: Urgent, yes. Just a minute… (Calls) Minnie?
BANNISTER: Just a minute I've got to get my teeth in. (Sucking noises) What is it Crun?
CRUN: Call the beacon lighter Min.
BANNISTER: Oh dear… (Calls)
Sebastiannnnn?
SEBASTIAN:[12] Yeah!
BANNISTER: Call the beacon lighter Sebastian.
SEBASTIAN: (Calls) Gladys!
GLADYS:[13] Yes
darling?
SEBASTIAN: Call the beacon lighter.
GLADYS: Beacon lighter, there's someone at the door for you.
CRUN: I know - I opened for him. Now sir, do you wish the
beacon litten?
DRAGOON: Aye, and hurry!
CRUN: Right. I'll prepare the vital ignitions. (Calls) Minnie?
BANNISTER: What . . . what . . . what is it? (Gummy) I've put my teeth in the water
again.
CRUN: Put them back in, I can't hear...
BANNISTER: (Sucking
noises.) What do you want now?
CRUN: Where are the matches Min?
BANNISTER: Albert's got them.
CRUN: Albert?
BANNISTER: Yes.
CRUN: (calls off)
Albert!
BANNISTER: (calls off)
Alberrrrrrrrrrt.
CAST: (One by one they
join in the call. Extended.)[14]
(Short pause)
DRAGOON: Why doesn't he answer?
CRUN: He's in Africa.
DRAGOON: Has nobody got a match then?
MORIARTY: (Enthusiastic) Ghuwghuwghuwghuw.
Gentlemen - I happened to overhear your conversation as I was passing in that
tree. Allow me Count Jim ‘Thighs’ Moriarty[15] to loan
you this genuine box of wooden matches, fifty in number, packed in a little box
with a merry joke on the back. Huh – ho!
FX: Scrape of matchbox.
CRUN: Thank you. I'll get ready then.
MORIARTY: (whispers)
Got him.
BANNISTER: You mustn't go out without a cooked meal Henry.
CRUN: Why not Min?
BANNISTER: You must have a lining to your stomach.
BANNISTER & CRUN: (Continue
to argue under.)
DRAGOON: There's no time for linings - I clean my teeth twice
a day! Come on, get on the horse. I've got room on the crossbar for both of
you. (Self fade) Giddup there!
GRAMS: Horse’s hooves galloping away. Speed up and
fade.
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty?
MORIARTY: Oawww!
GRYTPYPE: Did you dampen those matches?
MORIARTY: Of course. I put them in my pocket and stood in a
lake all night. I'm no fool you know.
GRYTPYPE: But there was no need to go that far. Right,
lets collect the fifteen thousand guilders.
ORCHESTRA: Nautical link.
CAST: (Shouts from
seamen aloft)
GRAMS: Naval cannon in action. Whistle of shell.
Explosion.
BLOODNOK: AAHHHHHHHhoooooho! Scuttle me galley clocks - half me
rigging’s shot away! And me britches at half mast…
SEAGOON: You can't walk the decks in that exposed condition.
Get in this barrel!
BLOODNOK: It's your turn in the barrel![16]
BOSUN O’SHEA:[17] Pardon
me sir! There's a fire in number three hold.
BLOODNOK: I'll come right away - it's freezing up here!
SEAGOON: Right! Everything under control. (Self fade) I've put two special lookouts in the crows nest to
watch out for the beacon.
GRAMS: Howl of wind, slap of sails, creaking of
rigging, clank of chains. Ocean sounds. Continue under the whole scene.
BLUEBOTTLE: Can you see anything Eccles?
ECCLES: Yeah! I can see anything.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh?
What can you see now den?
ECCLES: I'll just get my telescope now. Ah - I can see you.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oohh RN - I can't.
ECCLES: Oh well, you stand over here and look through this
telescope and you'll see.
FX: Footsteps.
ECCLES: There.[18]
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh. I still can't see ‘im.
ECCLES: What? Give me that telescope.
BLUEBOTTLE: There.
ECCLES: Ohhh. He's
gone! He's gone you know - he's gone.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes.
ECCLES & BLUEBOTTLE:
(Together) He's gone!
ECCLES: (sings)… A
life on the ocean waves.
A life on the ocean waves.
Aye diddle aye dum diddle d’aye.
I got my legs to keep me warm…[19]
BLUEBOTTLE: Eccles RN, do you like being up here in
the crows nest?
ECCLES: Yeh! It's high!
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes. Being in the crows nest ...
BLUEBOTTLE & ECCLES:
… is fine.
BLUEBOTTLE: Eccles.
ECCLES: Yeah?
BLUEBOTTLE: Why did you join the Navy?
ECCLES: I needed the money.
BLUEBOTTLE: What for?
ECCLES: To buy myself out. I've been forty two years in the
Navy now and I've been saving all the time.
BLUEBOTTLE: Cor - you must have travelled.
ECCLES: I've travelled!
BLUEBOTTLE: You're a man of the world.
ECCLES: I've had visions! [20]
BLUEBOTTLE: Here, Eccles?
ECCLES: Yeah?
BLUEBOTTLE: Have you ever been out with women in
grass skirts?
ECCLES: No. I'm not allowed to wear 'em.
ELLINGTON: Hey! Ok fellas, seven bells. And it's my turn in the
crows nest. (Calls) Kipper on the
cardboard cow cor blimey…
BLUEBOTTLE: Why - it's Ray Ellington RN! Give us a
nautical songe Mister sailor type man!
RAY ELLINGTON: "That's
Right"[21]
GRAMS: Howling winds under.
BANNISTER: Ohhh.
FX: Matchbox opening.
Matches striking. Continue under, very close.
CRUN: Dear, dear!
BANNISTER: Oh dear. I don't know where the draft’s coming from,
but I know where it's going to. We'll never get this beacon lit Henry.
CRUN: No. We never come out without a cooked meal you know.
BANNISTER: You should have a lining to your stomach!
CRUN: Yes - and these matches won't light…
BANNISTER: What! Oh, they appear to be damp.
DRAGOON: Hurry up! The dawn’s coming up like thunder, like a tharenwch [22] out of
the bay-there-you-can't-do-this-to-me, look here! And when it does them Dutch
will open fire on Captain Seagoon. They can't miss him at that range.
CRUN: Nobody could miss him at any range.
FX: More matches being
struck.
CRUN: Ohhh. Oh dear what's the matter ...
BANNISTER: Use the power of your arms in striking.
DRAGOON: Are you striking them right?
CRUN: What! I studied match striking under mister Guy
Fawkes.
DRAGOON: Are there any instructions on the box?
CRUN: Yes, it's on the back here. "Conundrum – Q; How
do you make a Maltese Cross? A; Stick a lighted match in his ear."
BANNISTER: Look, look Henry! The beacon's taken fire.
CRUN: (Vintage
excitement) Ohhwwwaahwwwwwaw.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.
GRAMS: Sounds aboard ship. (Waves, wind, timbers,
rigging, chains.)
BLUEBOTTLE: Captain! Captain! They've litted the
beacon on Nag’s Head.
SEAGOON: Poor animal! Right Bluebottle, fire the gun.
BLUEBOTTLE: Bang! boom! blam! blun!
SEAGOON: Stringy North Finchley Lad, why don't you fire the
cannons?
BLUEBOTTLE: The matches is damp.
SEAGOON: Damp! Where did you get 'em from?
BLUEBOTTLE: That nice gentleman standing in the lake.
SEAGOON: What! (calls)
You there! Come out from behind that water.
MORIARTY: Don't shoot! I'm not well.
SEAGOON: You don't deserve to be. You're not Well - then who
are you?
MORIARTY: Interpreter - tell him who I am in interpret.
GELDRAY: (Speedily) Hij is de bekende man van de Nederlandse radio omroep,
Hilversum een! Hoi! [23]
SEAGOON: A Dutchman. A Dutchman! Drop that tulip!
GRYTPYPE: He'll do no such thing Neddie. You've got two minutes
to abandon ship.
SEAGOON: You mean... you’ve lit the powder trail in the hold?
GRYTPYPE: So you've read the book as well!
SEAGOON: Yes. We'll soon get a brave seaman to extinguish it.
Bluebottle?
BLUEBOTTLE: I've gone home captain. I'm on passion
leave - there was jam for tea.
SEAGOON: That's next week. Here, take this cup of water (self fade) and put the fuse out.
BLUEBOTTLE & ECCLES: (Going off) Grumbles and
murmurs.
GREENSLADE: Is Moriarty lying? Has Grytpype really
lit a powder trail in the hold? Will
Bluebottle extinguish it in time? Listen again next week when you'll hear ...
GRAMS: Massive explosion inside oil drum. Follow it
up with falling bits and pieces at end.
BLUEBOTTLE: (Off
mic) Arrrrggghhh oh ho ho! You rotten swine you. Why ‘ave you started that
lark again?
SEAGOON: It's only a game lad.
BLUEBOTTLE: I don't like that game.
SEAGOON: You've got your head on back to front.
ORCHESTRA: Playout theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded
programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the
Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott.
Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the
program produced by Pat Dixon.
ORCHESTRA: Continue
Playout.[24]
YTI 