THE
SLEEPING PRINCE
GOON
SHOW: TLO 14930
7TH
SERIES: No 6
BROADCAST:
14 Feb 1957 [1]
Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens.
GREENSLADE: This
is the BBC Home Service. Here is the result of last night’s big fight. Patrick
O’Donovan, labourer of no fixed address, six months. Michael O’Bolligan fined
five pounds. And now at eight stone seven pounds, in transparent shorts, The
Goon Show.
ORCHESTRA: National
Anthem of the Pacific Republic of Yukkabukkoo. Nanny goat trumpet, bass
trombone, piano, piccolo, triangle, Saxophone and bass drum.
SEAGOON: … but
that’s another story. Mr Greenslade, divulge to the listeners this weeks secret
title.
MILLIGAN: Snoring.
(Extended.)
GREENSLADE: Ladies
and gentlemen, as you can hear we present - ‘The Sleeping Prince’. [2]
GRAMS: Distant
carillon of bells.
SEAGOON: Yes,
it was Christmas night in the labour exchange and the inmates were scraping the
afters off the walls.
GRAMS: Fade in
bad jazz piano, crowd noises.
SEAGOON: Merry
Christmas everybody!
GRYTPYPE: I say,
you with the four helpings on your face!
SEAGOON: What?
What what what what what what what what what what what what!? The voice came
from a tall hand-painted man with holly attached.
GRYTPYPE: Step
over here, little mass unemployment.
SEAGOON: A
merry Christmas gentlemen!
GRYTPYPE: We’ve
been watching your progress and we feel it’s time you went out into the world.
SEAGOON: Where?
GRYTPYPE: Err, anywhere.
What kind of unemployment do you want?
SEAGOON: I’d
like a job with no work attached.
GRYTPYPE: No,
that went this morning.
SEAGOON: Eh?
What! This morning? To whom?
GRYTPYPE: The
manager of the labour exchange.
SEAGOON: Does
he want an assistant?
MORIARTY: No!
SEAGOON: Thank
heaven. Then I’m still one of the lads! Ah ha ha! A merry Christmas to ye!
GRYTPYPE: And a
merry Christmas Neddie. Now allow me to introduce this steaming wreck.
MORIARTY: Thank
you. I am Count Fred ‘Legs’ Moriarty, unimportant minister extraordinary to the
republic of Yukkabukkoo.
SEAGOON: Yukkabukkoo.
MORIARTY: Yes, Yukkabukkoo.
SEAGOON: Yukkabukkoo.
MORIARTY: Yukkabukkoo.
SEAGOON: Yukkabukkoo.
GRYTPYPE:
Neddie, you must stop those witty sallies and report to me at once.
SEAGOON: Merry
Christmas!
GRYTPYPE: Thank
you Neddie. Now Neddie, (if you’ll pardon the expression), there’s and
unemployed job going with monies. Now would you kindly present to desk B?
SEAGOON:
Hurrah! At last some money with unemployment attached. (Self fade) Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
MORIARTY: That
was beautifully done Grytpype.
GRYTPYPE: Yes,
yes. We must now report to the revolutionary committee of Yakka-ba-cool and
tell them that all is well.
MORIARTY: I’ll
say that for you - Yukkabukkoo!
GRYTPYPE:
Pronunciation was perfect.
MORIARTY: Thank
you.
GRYTPYPE: Meantime
over to Seagoon and Clerk Spriggs.
GRAMS: Office
noises. Quiet chatter.
FX: Door
opens. Shop bell rings.
SEAGOON: Ah.
Anybody at home?
SPRIGGS: Ah yes
- yes Jim. Now then, come over here. Now, name please?
SEAGOON: Neddie
Tom Dick Harry Seagoon.
SPRIGGS: We
can’t give jobs to any Tom Dick or Harry Seagoon.
SEAGOON: Too
late. I’ve been chosen by the minister of Yukkabukkoo…
SPRIGGS: Yukkabukkoo.
SEAGOON: Yukkabukkoo.
SPRIGGS: Yukkabukkoo.
SEAGOON: Yukkabukkoo.
SPRIGGS: Of
course, of course. Now tell me, have you ever been president of a pacific
republic before?
SEAGOON: No,
but I’ve got a good suit.
SPRIGGS:
Splendid Jim. The job is yours.
SEAGOON: What
job?
SPRIGGS: The
president of the republic of Yukkabukkoo.
SEAGOON: How
much does it pay?
SPRIGGS: It
pays forty thousand pounds in Yukkabukkoo money.
SEAGOON: What!
What? What are the hours?
SPRIGGS: Nine
to five with a tea break at eleven.
SEAGOON: I
accept. I accept! Where is it?
SPRIGGS: In the
south pacific.
SEAGOON: The
south pacific - the land of seas! Mnoiheheheheho. Then southward ho!
ORCHESTRA: Brass
band arrangement of ‘Over There!’.
MILLIGAN: (Further snoring.)
GREENSLADE: As you
can hear this is ‘The Sleeping Prince’ part two. And now a reading from Morse.
GRAMS: Morse
sender. Fade under. (PETER: “This is station Hearn-Hearn of the Hearn-Hearn
network, Ed Hearn reporting. Today on board the liner SS. Hearn-Hearn arriving at
the port of Pont Quinottas in the
republic of Yukka-ba-cool is the newly elected president Mr Neddie Tom Dick
Harry SEAGOON of London England, Hearn-Hearn of the Hearn-Hearn. High hopes are
entertained that the installation this twenty-three stone president will have a
stabilizing effect on the country.”) [3] Morse key fades
out.
GRAMS: Distant
ships siren. Brass band on wharf. Distant crowds cheering. Swell. Add tugboat
hooters for effect. Fade into background.
GRYTPYPE: Here
comes Mr Seagoon now - down both gang planks too.
MORIARTY: What a
fine presidential figure he makes in that morning suit and flat cap.
GRYTPYPE: Yes.
Here Moriarty - put these teeth in and smile.
MORIARTY: (Suction
noises.) Owwwwwwwwwwww.
GRYTPYPE: That’s
enough.
MORIARTY: Thank
you.
GRYTPYPE: Over
here Neddie!
SEAGOON: I say,
aren’t you from the Battersea labour exchange?
GRYTPYPE: Yes,
but we have a small branch out here licensed to sell strawberry teas and morris
dancing.
SEAGOON: Ah ha
ha! Sending British culture abroad, eh?
GRYTPYPE: Best
place for it, what?
MORIARTY: Now
then Mr Seagoon - we the people of the glorious republic of Yukkabukkoo! give a
glorious welcome to you our new glorious president.
SEAGOON: Don’t
mention it. Where do I clock in?
GRYTPYPE: Here.
FX: Time
punch.
GRYTPYPE: Thank
you.
MORIARTY: Now
then mon president, the triumphant procession. You drive through the streets in
this open necked shirt and we’ll follow behind in this bullet proof car. But
first – our glorious national anthem!
ORCHESTRA: (Yukkabukkoo
National Anthem.)
SEAGOON: What a
beautiful tune. Has anyone set it to music?
GRYTPYPE: No one
has had the courage.
MORIARTY: Now
then, come president - to the Palazzo des Veritas. [4]
SEAGOON: The
palace of varieties. Of course. Drive on!
MORIARTY: But
first our glorious Max Geldray!
SEAGOON: Curse!
MAX GELDRAY: ‘Hoedown Rag’
GREENSLADE: With
that rousing ovation ringing in his ears, Seagoon arrived at the palace and was
shown to the president’s private chambers.
WILLIUM:
Welcome mate.
SEAGOON: Who
are you?
WILLIUM:
Private Chambers mate. I’m your valet.
SEAGOON: Wait.
You’re a south pacific cockney?
WILLIUM: Yes
mate. I got the job at the Battersea labour exchange. You see they’re a bit
short of south pacific cockney’s out here.
SEAGOON: Right.
Unpack my matching brown paper parcels and lay out my mess tins.
WILLIUM: You
going to have some mess then?
SEAGOON: No,
I’m dining with the British ambassador.
WILLIUM: The
same thing isn’t it? Well you’d better take some grub along. They haven’t had
any connor[5] since
the revolution started.
SEAGOON: Revolution!
Where?
WILLIUM: Here
mate.
SEAGOON: I’ll
soon put a stop to that. Get them on the phone.
FX: Hand
cranked phone.
WILLIUM: Hello?
GRAMS: Whistling
bullets. Distant rifle fire.
WILLIUM: It’s
on now sir.
SEAGOON:
Thanks. Hello, revolution?
GRAMS: Whistling
bullets. Distant rifle fire.
SEAGOON: How
dare you talk to me like that. Drop that telephone at once.
FX: Telephone
into cradle.
SEAGOON: Ha ha
ha. That taught them a lesson.
FX: Door
opens.
GONZALES METZ: Señor
el President. I am General Gonzales Metz, [6] leader
of both sides in the glorious revolution. Now you will kindly step onto this
balcony for your reception.
SEAGOON: Right.
GRAMS: High
powered machine gun nest in full blast.
SEAGOON: Hey.
Somebody shot at me.
GONZALES METZ: It’s
your imagination.
SEAGOON: Then
what are these bullet holes in my bed sheets?
GONZALES METZ: They
are for looking through señor.
SEAGOON:
Looking through at what?
GONZALES METZ: (Laughing) Anybody who is on the other
side!
SEAGOON: Gad! You
brilliant passionate southerners!
GONZALES METZ: I do
not come from the south, señor. I am from the north.
SEAGOON: Where?
GONZALES METZ: Oldham
labour exchange.
SEAGOON: Of
course! I should have recognized that north country accent. Now, I’d better go
and inspect the drains….
GRAMS: Knock off hooter.
SEAGOON: Too late. Lunch lads. Must keep to the union hours.
FX: Clock-punch.
GONZALES METZ: Just a
minute, before we all clock off, our glorious anthem.
ORCHESTRA: Yukkabukkoo
National Anthem.
GRAMS: Morse key
in action. ( PETER: “This is station Hearn-Hearn of the Hearn. Ed Hearn
reporting. Latest Hearn reports from the republic of Yukka Ba Koo state that
this evening a high powered bath drew up outside the British Embassy. The president stepped out and presented his
credentials.”)
FX: Clock-punch.
SEAGOON:
Evening lads. Sorry I’m late. I had to buy a new shoe. Now - where’s the
British ambassador?
MORIARTY: In
this reeking thirty bob-a-week bed-sitter here.
FX: Door
opens.
BLOODNOK:
Ohoohohohoh! Who’s that? Oh! Oh.. Ooo. Ohhh, come in, come in.
MORIARTY: I’ll
open a window.
BLOODNOK: You’ll
excuse the mess. I’m just doing the laundry. The er… bullet holes in my white
flag were dirty you know.
SEAGOON: Mr
Ambassador. I am the new president.
BLOODNOK:
Splendid! I’ll open a tin of prunes.
GRAMS: Heavy
burst of machine gun fire.
BLOODNOK: Great
twisted nurglers, they’re early tonight.
SEAGOON: Who
are?
BLOODNOK: The
naughty revolution part two.
SEAGOON: You
mean - they’re doing matinees?
BLOODNOK: Yes.
SEAGOON:
Disgraceful. Fighting after five o’clock. Eiougheiougheioughhooo! We can’t afford
to pay them overtime! Commander in chief, fall in my army.
ELLINGTON: Si, señor.
But first, our glorious national anthem!
GREENSLADE: No!
ORCHESTRA: Yukkabukkoo
National Anthem.
ELLINGTON: Hoi!
SEAGOON: Merry
Christmas.
ELLINGTON: Thank
you señor. Now imperial army of Yukkabukkoo, ON PARADE!
GRAMS: Massed
boots running.
ELLINGTON: Imperial
army, ‘SHUN!
GRAMS: Regiment
coming to attention.
ELLINGTON:
Present H’ARMS!
GRAMS: Regiment
rifle drill.
ELLINGTON:
Imperial army from the right NUMBER!
ECCLES: One.
BLUEBOTTLE: Two.
ELLINGTON: All correct
señor.
SEAGOON: Right.
Men, we’re going to march to stop the revolution (part two). Those men who have
been fighting overtime and….
GRAMS: Knock off
siren.
SEAGOON: Six
o’clock.! That’s all for tonight lads. All for tonight.
FX: Clock punch,
three times.
SEAGOON: All be
here in the morning. You coming Ellington?
ELLINGTON: No. Me
going to sing overtime.
ECCLES: I’m
going.
RAY ELLINGTON - ‘Time Takes Care of Everything’
MILLIGAN: Snoring.
(Continue under.)
GREENSLADE: As you
can hear this is ‘The Sleeping Prince’ part three. And now, a further reading
from Morse.
GRAMS: Morse
code. Continue under. ( PETER: “Station Hearn-Hearn the Hearn, Ed Hearn
reporting of the Hearn-Hearn. This evening the new president of…” SPIKE: “Yukkabukkoo!”…PETER:
“…marched his army into the rebel held jungle. Following a well worn carpet of
dead leaves (fade) they were soon on the…..”)
GRAMS: Jungle noises.
Crickets, frogs and geckos.
BLUEBOTTLE: Eccles?
ECCLES: Yeah?
BLUEBOTTLE: Where
did you get the job of being half the president’s army?
ECCLES: Ooo, I
won it in a raffle.
BLUEBOTTLE: Cor. I
got mine from a cracker at Myrtle Sprigg’s birthday party.
ECCLES: Oh,
that’s living! Here Bluebottle - where did you get that nice uniform?
BLUEBOTTLE: I cut
it out of the back of a cornflake packet.
ECCLES: Ooo. I
wondered why it gave me such an appetite.
BLUEBOTTLE: Eccles,
do you know that a uniform attracts women like flies?
ECCLES: Ooo. I
wondered why all your women looked like flies.
BLUEBOTTLE:
Yehehehehehe! Eccles… that was funny.
ECCLES: I made
a joke then...
BLUEBOTTLE: Yeah.
ECCLES:
They’re all laughing at me you know.
BLUEBOTTLE: Tee
hee hee! Eccles, have you ever fired your gun yet?
ECCLES: Oh no!
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh.
Let us fire it then.
ECCLES: Oh
yeah - dat’s a good idea.
BLUEBOTTLE: You
fire then.
ECCLES: Oh -
no, no! You fire the gun.
ECCLES: No. You’re
the one with the bullets - you do it.
ECCLES: No. I
haven’t signed for it. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to have any
trouble on my hands. I don’t want… I been to the doctor and he said I’ve got a
nuff’…(mumbles incoherently) I got an uncle in Australia. (Belligerent.) You be careful what you
say to me, I’ve got an uncle in Australia!
BLUEBOTTLE: You
heard of the Balls Pond Road best shirt wash?
ECCLES: No.
BLUEBOTTLE: Well
then, you watch what you’re saying then!
ECCLES: You
fire the gun!
BLUEBOTTLE:
Alright then - you rotten spoilsport you. (Sings.) Dee, da de dah dan deen dah
dah…. Eccles?
ECCLES: Yeah?
BLUEBOTTLE: What
is that dirty little piece of curved metal sticking out from under your rifle
then?
ECCLES: Dat?
Um, dat’s um….I don’t know.
BLUEBOTTLE: Here, Eccles.
Place your finger on it and then see what happens.
ECCLES: Ok.
GRAMS: Large
explosion.
CAST: (Variously) Ohhhhh!
Oohheee! What’s that?!
SEAGOON: Did
someone fire that gun at me?
ECCLES: Oh no
no!
BLUEBOTTLE: No,
no.
ECCLES: Oh no.
SEAGOON: Then
what’s this hole in the seat of my trousers?
BLUEBOTTLE: That’s
for looking through.
ECCLES: ‘Ere -
let me have a look through. Oooooooooooooo! Oh dear dear!
SEAGOON: What
what what what what what what what what what what what what?!
ECCLES: Dere’s
somebody inside!
SEAGOON: A
stowaway! Come on out and fight.
BLOODNOK: (Muffled)
Don’t shoot Neddie - don’t shoot! I’ll come out.
SEAGOON: Gad!
The British ambassador. What were you doing in my trousers?
BLOODNOK:
Slumming. I’ve come to warn you [7] they’ve
only made you president so as to assassinate you and take your wages.
SEAGOON: What?
The devils! I resign.
FX: Clock
punch.
SEAGOON: There.
GRYTPYPE: Hold
hard Neddie. What’s this - clocking off early? I’m afraid we shall have to dock
you some salary.
SEAGOON:
Nonsense. If I stay as president they’ll shoot me.
GRYTPYPE: Oh
nonsense dear boy. The people of…
MORIARTY: Yukkabukkoo!
GRYTPYPE: …they
love you.
MORIARTY: Of
course. Come on Neddie, clock on again as president. Come on, clock on!
SEAGOON: (Bashful.)
Oh, very well.
FX: Clock
punch.
GRAMS: Pistol
shot.
GRYTPYPE: Curse!
Missed.
SEAGOON:
Alright Grytpype. Who fired that smoking pistol you’re pointing at me?
GRYTPYPE: Err,
two men called Jim.
SEAGOON: Right.
There’s only one thing for it - we’ll have to storm the rebel’s stronghold or
they’ll usurp me.
BLOODNOK: How
painful!
SEAGOON: Come -
forward one man called Bloodnok!
BLOODNOK:
Ohohohohohooooohhhoo yes ipppumm um yes! But first our glorious Yukkabukkooian
anthem.
SEAGOON: Oh no!
ORCHESTRA: Yukkabukkoo
National Anthem.
GRAMS: Rifle
fire.
BLOODNOK: Great
salty skalibonkers! The rebels are attacking. Eccles?
ECCLES: Yeah?
BLOODNOK: Form a square and face outwards.
ECCLES: Ok. (Struggling.) Ohh, it hurts!
GRYTPYPE:
Moriarty come on. Let’s duck out of here - things are getting too hot.
GRAMS: Whoosh.
Whoosh.
GREENSLADE: (Distant)
‘Allo! Attention, s’il vous plaît.
SEAGOON: Look !
It’s a great fat rebel carrying an unarmed white flag.
GREENSLADE: Ah,
comment allez vous? Ying tong idle-i- po!
SEAGOON:
Listen. He’s speaking French in a foreign language. Is any here bi-lingual?
ECCLES: Oh, I
speak two languages my good man.
SEAGOON: Right
my good man. Say ‘yes’ in French.
ECCLES: Ok. Si
si.
SEAGOON: That’s
Italian.
ECCLES: What
do you know, I speak three languages!
SEAGOON: Find
out what he wants.
GREENSLADE: Listen
my friend. My leader ‘el Garbou’ demands unconditional surrender.
SEAGOON: What
are his terms?
GREENSLADE: Five
pounds down and three and nine a week.
SEAGOON: Tell
him we’ll think it over.
GREENSLADE: Very
well.
BLOODNOK: But
look here, we can’t spend all night in this jungle Seacoon. It hasn’t been
aired.
GREENSLADE: Don’t
worry - come with me. You can sleep in the rebel prison free of charge.
SEAGOON: I say,
that’s damned decent of you. Come chaps!
ORCHESTRA:
Tragic ‘ march to the scaffold’ music.
GRAMS: Fade in Morse
signal. (PETER: “Hearn-hearn of the hearn-hearn reporting again on the
hearn-hearn on the Lester hearn-hearn. It is reported that president Ned off
duty spent the night resting in the rebel condemned cell dad. Latest news from
rebel headquarters….” (fade.)
SEAGOON: (Massive
snoring)
BANNISTER: That’s
the fellow there Henry.
CRUN: Oh.
Wake up sir. Wake up, it’s time for your daily execution.
SEAGOON: Ah.
Thank you. Put it on the table and draw my bath.
CRUN:
They’re not going to drown you sir, they’re going…..aowrrrggghh….they’re going to shoot you.
SEAGOON: What
what what what what what what what what?! Shoot me? You can’t shoot me. I’m not
the president till nine o’clock.
MORIARTY: That’s
ten minutes time. Right, till then our glorious nation anthem.
ORCHESTRA: The
first four bars of the Yukkabukkoo National Anthem.
SEAGOON: Stop!
Please stop. You can’t keep me here. I’m not president till nine. I’m leaving
the country before then.
MORIARTY: Eugh!
Then allow us first to decorate you with the Grand Order of Charlies.
SEAGOON: What’s
that?
GRYTPYPE: This
magnificent bandage to be worn over your eyes - so.
SEAGOON: I say,
how terribly restful. But… it’s dark inside this bandage.
GRYTPYPE: Yes -
we turned the light out.
MORIARTY: Now
then little Neddie. Just stand against this wall for a free farewell
photograph. (Moving off.) Right now - photographers LOAD!
GRAMS: Firing
squad loading guns.
MORIARTY: Take
AIM…
GRYTPYPE: Now
Neddie - any last request before your…er…departure?
SEAGOON: Yes. For Plunger Bailey, White, Chunky, Pinhead [8] and all
the lads in queue seven at Battersea Labour Exchange, I’d like you to play your
glorious national anthem.
GRYTPYPE: Oh.
Alright. Everyone salute.
ORCHESTRA: Yakkabukkoo
National Anthem.
MORIARTY:
He’s…he’s gone.
GRYTPYPE: Curse!
Foiled by our own national anthem and a quick thinking fat man called Ned.
ORCHESTRA: Tatty
chord in C
MILLIGAN: Snoring
(Extended.)
GREENSLADE: You
have just been listening to ‘The Sleeping Prince.’ (Calling) Oh Prince! Prince!
MILLIGAN: (Waking
up) What what what?
GREENSLADE: Come
on Prince. Time to go home.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.
GREENSLADE: And so
ends this weeks Goon Show, a BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers,
Harry Secombe, and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray
and the Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry
Stephens - announcer Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Pat Dixon.
YTI 