THE SPECTRE OF TINTAGEL
GOON SHOW: TLO 15209
7th SERIES No 5
BROADCAST:
Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens.
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC home
service.
GRAMS: Except
from “Tintagel” by Arnold Bax.[1]
SELLERS: (Deathly) The Spectre of Tintagel.
GRAMS: Long
drawn out scream. Fade in sounds of waves on rocks, sea gulls etc. Swell music.
SELLERS: (Over, with echo) “Tintagel... Tintagel… Tintagel…” (self
fade)
GRAMS: Hold
music underneath.
DYALL: Sometimes on a stilléd night
from
misty summered seas
there
comes a-riding clean and white,
two
knights on palfreys.
Avoid
you then that haunted dell
that
skirts the rocks
of Tintagel.[2]
GRAMS: Swell
music and fade.
SEAGOON: My name is… ha, ha – now you laugh, but
the fact is I was christened ‘King Arthur Seagoon’. You see my parents were illiterate, but they had a round table.
This led me to believe that I might be descended from Mallory’s ‘Mort d’Arthur’![3]
GREENSLADE: And what did you do about it, Mr King Arthur Seagoon?
SEAGOON: Do?...
Do young Wallace? In the bleak autumn of nineteen-forty-six, I made my way to
the country of the Arthurian legend…
GRAMS: Swell
music and fade under. Pub sounds. Cornish murmurs etc.
FX: Tankards clanking. Continue under.
YOKEL: Two pints, please.
MINNIE: Ooh,
thank you. Small gin…
CORNISHMAN: Aye. There be ghosts in there they say.
SEAGOON: Tell me
more - cherry-nosed Cornishman.
CORNISHMAN: Arr, there
be ghosts in there they say.
SEAGOON:Tell me more, cherry-nosed
Cornishman.
CORNISHMAN: Arr, they do say as how
at
SEAGOON: Does 'em?
CORNISHMAN: Arr, when I was a boy, I
remember...
SEAGOON:Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes…?
CORNISHMAN: I can't remember - my
mind's gone dry.
SEAGOON:Two pints please Landlord!
FX: Tankards clanking, liquid pouring.
CORNISHMAN: Arr, it's coming back to
me now. That's right - there's a haunted manor near Tintagel. They do say King
Arthur buried his treasure there.
SEAGOON: Buried his treasure?
CORNISHMAN: Arr, and when the Moon
is full they do say as how the spectre walks and plays strange music…
SEAGOON: (Gulps)
CORNISHMAN: … and if you hears that
tune three times - you dies. Good health sir!
SEAGOON: Mazal tov! [4]
GRAMS: Excerpt from Saint Sean’s “Danse
Macabre”[5]
SEAGOON:After certain investigations, I
discovered the Spectre haunted Tintagel Manor, allegedly built on the site of
Sir Galahad's hunting lodge.[6]
Eventually I found the house agents too, in a cave at the bottom of dead man's
cliff.
GRAMS: Seashore sounds. Waves breaking;
gulls. Fade under.
MORIARTY: Aww eeyoww. (sings) I must go down to the sea again,
to
wash my dirty socks,
and
all I ask is a bar of soap
and
a... [7]
GRYTPYPE: (Approaching) Good morning, my reeking
French lascar. Did you sleep well?
MORIARTY: No, no, at
GRYTPYPE: Oh?
MORIARTY: I was shivering wet.
GRYTPYPE: Oh - and how was that
sonny?
MORIARTY: The tide came in.
GRYTPYPE: Uninvited? Damned
impertinence! Take a letter to the editor of The Times.
GRAMS: Whoosh.
GRYTPYPE: Wait till I've written it
will you?
GRAMS: Typewriter under.
GRYTPYPE: Let me see… Dear Sir, I
must complain about the abnormal high tides in
MORIARTY: Right.
GRYTPYPE: Now, what's for breakfast
this evening?
MORIARTY: This steaming debris spraccoût. [9]
Here - taste it.
GRYTPYPE: (Smacking of lips.)
MORIARTY: A dish fit
for a king, yes?
GRYTPYPE: Only if he's abdicated.
FX: Door knock. .
MORIARTY: What? I'll see who it is.
FX: Door opens.
GRAMS: Sudden burst of ocean waves.
SEAGOON: I'm sorry for bursting in like
this.
GRYTPYPE: Come in sir, come in. Excuse
the mess - we've got the sea in.
SEAGOON: Ha ha ha! What a splendid cure
for mal-de-mer.
GRYTPYPE: Isn't it! Ah, who is that who came in with you?
SEAGOON: The
GRYTPYPE: Oh yes. It's the Equinox
you know.
SEAGOON: Of course. Tell me - are you the
agents for Tintagel Manor?
GRYTPYPE: You want to rent it?
SEAGOON: Yes.
MORIARTY: Aahheeyoooeeyoeo!
GRYTPYPE: (Close) Shhh Moriarty you fool. (Aloud)
Have you a car?
SEAGOON: Yes.
GRYTPYPE: We'll drive you there. Off
we go.
GRAMS: Slow horses hooves.
MORIARTY: Pardon mon ignorance mon
ami, but quelle type of car is this?
SEAGOON: It's one of le new carriage-less
horses.
MORIARTY: Ahhh! The wonders of the
steam-age!
GRAMS: Horses hooves crescendo and pick
up speed.
GRYTPYPE: Whoa! Moriarty, dismount
and put a brick under the horse.
MORIARTY: Isn't that dangerous?
SEAGOON: So this is Tintagel Manor?
GRYTPYPE: Yes.
SEAGOON: How much is the rent for, say, a
month?
GRYTPYPE: Open your wallet.
GRAMS: Treasure chest with rusty hinges.
GRYTPYPE: Mr Seagoon - how
remarkable! You've brought the exact amount. Moriarty count this lot and see
how much there is, would you?
GRAMS: Bank teller counting bundles of £10 notes at speed.
MORIARTY: (Counting.) One… two… three… four… five…” Two
Pounds - and worth every penny of it!
SEAGOON: Exactly. Now, how do I get in?
MORIARTY: Here's a ladder.
SEAGOON: Ladder? I want the keys.
MORIARTY: There's no keys to this
ladder - it's already open.
SEAGOON: Aha! The wonders of the Steam-Age!
GRYTPYPE: And here's another wonder
of the Stream-Age...Max Geldray!
SEAGOON: (In terror) Ahhhh! Don’t leave me!
Max
Geldray: “Doggin'
Around.”[10]
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic return to the story link.
GREENSLADE: The Spectre of Tintagel
part two. Placing a ladder up against the door of Tintagel Manor, Mr King
Arthur Seagoon climbed up and rang the bell.
GRAMS: Huge church bell. Massive wooden
doors squeak on hinges.
DYALL: Did you toll sir?
SEAGOON: Yes - my mama done tol’ me! Ha ha
ha... My momma done tol’ me... [11]
DYALL: I have no wish to know that
sir.
SEAGOON: I am King Arthur Seagoon the new
tenant.
DYALL: Curses! So they've let the
old manor at last. I'll see his stay is short and brief.
SEAGOON: Finished?
DYALL: Yes.
SEAGOON: Right, please carry in my
brown paper luggage.
DYALL: (Scared) I'm sorry sir - I won't go back into that house! The sun's
gone in…
SEAGOON: But surely there's room for you
both?
DYALL: No! No sir! After dark I'd
rather go home to mother. You see sir, in Tintagel Manor there's... there's
something nasty in the woodshed! [12]
SEAGOON: Who did it?
DYALL: I think sir… I think the
Phantom's struck again! If you're wise
sir you'll leave this place at once, otherwise you'll hear the ghastly music. Goodnight!
Mind the doors!
GRAMS: Tube train doors closing. Train
departing. Speed it right up.
SEAGOON: Gad - they run late! Beware the
music... Of course! The music! What did that old Cornishman say?
CORNISHMAN: I said, if you hear the music three times you dies. Good
health.
SEAGOON: Thank you for coming.
CORNISHMAN: Goodbye.
SEAGOON: … and thank you for going. Well
I'd better get inside.
GRAMS: Creaking door shuts.
DYALL: Let the fool go in. He won't be there in the
morning. (Fiendish laugh.) Ha ha ha!
ORCHESTRA: Mysterious chords.
GRAMS: Church bell strikes one. Vary
speed.
SEAGOON: One o'clock - the witching hour.
I must prepare my equipment with which I hope to record the voices of long dead
knights, which will give me a clue as to my direct descent from King Mort
d'Arthur. Now let me check the equipment in stores. One quon of thynne; a spin
of blatz; a plun of quorns; a thin of monders, a thirst of nurglars... (self fade)
GREENSLADE: And so he settled down
for the night.
GRAMS: Excerpt from Danse
Macabre. (Fade under.)
SEAGOON: (Snoring
over.)
GRAMS: Cockerel crows.
FX: Door opens.
SEAGOON: (Snoring
continues.)
WILLIUM: Hello hello hello - who's
this kipping on the floor? What's this label round his neck say - (Reads) ‘I am the new tenant here’. Oh
are you mate? What’s this second label say? (Reads)
‘Yes I am’.
SEAGOON:
(Still snoring.)
WILLIUM: Well - I'll just tie this
label saying 'wake up mate’ round his neck!
SEAGOON: (Waking up noises.) Good Heavens! Look at the label on my
watch - it says
WILLIUM: Ten to nine.
SEAGOON: Your label's
slow.
WILLIUM: I'm Willium the gardener,
mate.
SEAGOON: Well, go and grow me a breakfast.
WILLIUM: Oh right mate.
FX: (Door opens)
DYALL: (Singing.) I bring along a smile and a song for everyone... (Startled.) You! Still here? Didn’t you
hear anything during the night?
SEAGOON: No - I fell into a heavy trance,
six feet deep.
DYALL: Didn’t you hear the dying
screams of a Zulu caught in the clutches of a man eating Matabele [13]
Iguana plant?
SEAGOON: No…
DYALL: But didn’t you see me
whitened up with flour sacks and a false head screaming?
SEAGOON: Come to think of it... no!
DYALL: Curses! At least you must
have heard the agonized moans of Sabrina [14]
being passed through an electric sausage machine?
SEAGOON: I'd have ‘eard that.
DYALL: A pox on it! To think I paid
Peter Kavanagh a fortune in ha'pennies and all he could drink from the tap for
those impressions!
SEAGOON: Never mind! Tonight I shall stay
awake and track down the Spectre of Tintagel
DYALL: I'm afraid that is impossible
sir. The ghost only plays when it's daytime in Australia and Wednesday over
here. [15]
SEAGOON: This ghost has a map and a calendar?
I must contact him.
DYALL: I admire your vacuity sir. And
now if you'll pardon me, I'll go and prepare your demise.
SEAGOON: Thank you. Please leave it in
the oven.
FX: Door closes.
SEAGOON: Tonight for sure I'll lay this
ghost. E’en now my gallant squire hastens hencewards to assist me. But… (terror) yeeaayarrgggh! What are these
blackened twigs approaching?
BLUEBOTTLE: They are my legs my
Captain. Yes! It is I Blunebottle, all ready for the game. Moves right,
transfers quarter of Jelly Babies from pocket to gob.
SEAGOON: Good lad. Now listen - we must
lie in wait behind the arras.[16]
BLUEBOTTLE: Be careful my Captain,
'cause I redded in Hamlet that Palonius was stabbed through the ‘arris.[17]
SEAGOON: (Whispering.) Shhh! Here's an orange.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ooh - ta Captain! I like
oranges, Captain.
SEAGOON: (Whispering.) Shhh! Keep quiet!
BLUEBOTTLE: Why are you keeping me
quiet my Captain?
SEAGOON: (Whispering.) Shhh!
BLUEBOTTLE: Captain - why have you
turned the light off?
SEAGOON: (Whispering.) Shhh!
BLUEBOTTLE: Don't shush me my
Captain. I don't like eating oranges in the dark!
SEAGOON: (As before.) Well - don't eat it!
BLUEBOTTLE: And I don't not
like oranges eating in the dark.
SEAGOON: Well, what do you like doing in
the dark?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yeeheeheehee!
SEAGOON: Yes - but there's no time for
that now! It'll be here any moment…
BLUEBOTTLE: (Terror) What'll be here any
moment, Captain?
SEAGOON: The Spectre of
Tintagel.
BLUEBOTTLE: The Inspector of Tintangel?
Is he on nights then?
SEAGOON: No, the Spectre is a ghost.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ghost, Captain?
SEAGOON: Yes, he's due here at
GRAMS: Tubular bell strikes one.
BLUEBOTTLE: Can I go home now
Captain? I left the cat running in the sink.
GRAMS: Distant violin solo. Lots of
wrong notes.
SEAGOON: Listen - it’s ghostly music!
BLUEBOTTLE: I don't like it captain.
It's not on the hit parade.
SEAGOON: Shhh! Hist - a melody not heard
for a thousand nay, nay, two thousand years!
GRAMS: Violin solo segue’s into dodgy
jazz solo. Ends with a flourish.
SEAGOON: At last I've heard it - the
Spectre of Tintagel! If I can meet him perhaps I can learn the secret of my
lineage. But hold - what did the old Cornishman say?...
CORNISHMAN: If you hears that ghostly music three times you dies. Good
health!
GRAMS: Train whistle. Train pulling out of
station – gradually speed it up.
SEAGOON: Gad! The wonders of the steam
age!
BLUEBOTTLE: What is the wonder of
the steam age, Captain?
SEAGOON: Steam.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ohh, how does it work?
SEAGOON: On the same principle as the
boiling kettle. (Has an idea.) Let me
demonstrate! Fill your mouth with water…
BLUEBOTTLE: Sip!
SEAGOON: Now - put this whistle between
your lips. Good. Now sit over this candle…
BLUEBOTTLE: Yeouheheooh!
SEAGOON: …and wait.
But hist! Here is more ghostly music!
Ray
Ellington:
“Alright,
OK, You Win.”[18]
SEAGOON: Curses! It was Ray Ellington - I
recognised the applause.
GRAMS: Violin reprise - closer. Continue under.
SEAGOON: The spectral music again, and
for the second time! It appears to be coming from outside.
FX: Door opening.
GRAMS: Wind howling.
SEAGOON: Gad it's dark out here - it must
be night-time. What did that long streak say?
DYALL: (Menacing.) I said the ghost only plays when it's daytime in
SEAGOON: You! What are you doing here?
And I say, why are you taking my hat off?
DYALL: (singing – slightly off mic) Only a rose I bring you &c…
SEAGOON: (Over) Why are you parting my hair in the middle? I say, why are
you chalking a cross on my head? Why are you raising that iron girder and
sighting it towards my nut? Why are you...
GRAMS: Metal bar on brick.
SEAGOON: Aaargh!
FX: Body falls to ground.
WILLIUM: Ohhh - you nutted him mate!
GRAMS: Distant
bugle at sunset.
DYALL: (Over) Yes - there he lies in the corner of some foreign suit that
is forever England.
WILLIUM: Come on, let's go in Mr
Valentine. It's nearly two o'clock and the mist's coming up on the moors.
DYALL: Yes, I'll put a light in the
window and a pound in the till to guide the master safely back home.
GRAMS: Tubular bell strikes two. Distant
prison sirens – lots of echo. Baying of hounds coming closer, running feet,
shouting. Swell the lot up then gradually decrescendo into distance. Sudden
pair of boots running closer.
FX: Urgent banging on door.
Immediately opens.
BLOODNOK: (Panting) Quick - hide me!
DYALL: Master, welcome home. (Calls) Willium, lay out the final
demand notices!
WILLIUM: Right!
FX: Door shuts.
BLOODNOK: Oh it's good to be home.
DYALL: Yes sir. How did you find
your way in this mist?
BLOODNOK: I followed the arrows on
my suit.[19]
Quick burn it! I wouldn’t like the dogs to get my scent.
DYALL: I wouldn’t like anyone to get
your scent sir.
BLOODNOK: You're not my best friend!
Don't you realize I've been passed nadger free. By the way - what was that lump
lying in the garden?
DYALL: That sir, was a Mr King
Arthur Seagoon.
BLOODNOK: Oh
DYALL: He took a lease on the house
and we couldn’t get rid of him. He will be unconscious for hours!
BLOODNOK: Lucky devil! Now lets dig
up the loot and then scarper.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.
GREENSLADE: Meanwhile - at great
expense, we are placing a microphone by an inert lump in the garden.
GRAMS: Wind
howling.
SEAGOON: Ohh - what hit me? Ahhahhahh! Struck
down on the old Welsh nut from behind in my prime. Oooh, oooh!
GRAMS: Violin solo coming closer and
closer.
SEAGOON: Listen, the Spectre of Tintagel
again! But hist – see! The Spectre draweth nigh from out yon bushes. Hold oh
long departed minstrel… Speak!
ECCLES: Hallo!
SEAGOON: Ahhh!! Spectre aid me! Sire, I
seek to prove I'm descended from King Arthur.
ECCLES: Good luck.
SEAGOON: Wait!
ECCLES: Wait?
SEAGOON: I recognise your voice!
ECCLES: He recognises my voice!!
SEAGOON: You're the famous Eccles!
ECCLES: I'm the Famous Eccles!!
SEAGOON: Shut up!
ECCLES: Shut up Eccles!!
SEAGOON: Wait a minute!
ECCLES: Wait a minute Eccles!!
SEAGOON: Who put you up to this false
type haunting?
ECCLES: That false type Mr Dyyyaaall.
SEAGOON: Valentine
Dyyyaaall eh?
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.
GRAMS: Metal plates being arranged.
Continue
under.
BLOODNOK: Three hundred golden cups
and a hundred silver goblets. Yes it's all here - the entire regimental plate of
the Second Poona Horse.
DYALL: Splendid.
GRAMS: Amateur violin solo. Distant.
DYALL: Somebody run outside and tell
Eccles to stop playing that fake ghost music!
Eccles: But I'm in here.
BLOODNOK: Then… that must be the
real Spectre of Tintagel!
DYALL: Run for it!
CAST: Screaming.
GRAMS: Boots running away.
FX: Door opens.
SEAGOON: Hahaha - that taught the devils
a lesson. I'm glad now I learned the violin, even if it did take me all
afternoon. Great sputting thuns! What's this? Golden platters!! This must be the
lost treasure of Tintagel, revealed to me as a sign that I am the direct
descendant of King Arthur.
GRYTPYPE: (Three months at the
Palladium and he thinks he's the King of England!) [20]
SEAGOON: What what what what what what
what what?
FX: Knock on door. Door opens.
POLICE INSPECTOR: Oh err - good
evening sir.
SEAGOON: Good evening Inspector.
INSPECTOR: Are you the owner of this
manor?
SEAGOON: That is correct.
INSPECTOR: I see. Then perhaps you
could explain this gold plate here?
SEAGOON: Certainly. It's mine.
INSPECTOR: The stolen regimental
plate of the Second Poona Horse is yours?
SEAGOON: Yes - by Royal Prerogative.
INSPECTOR: Royal Prerogative? I see.
What did you say your name was sir?
SEAGOON: King Arthur.
INSPECTOR: King Arthur?
SEAGOON: That's right - yes.
INSPECTOR: Well, you'd better come
with me Your Majesty. There's a plain van outside that all our King Arthurs and
three Napoleons have ridden in.
SEAGOON: Ha ha ha! It's good enough for
me. Of course - this means the end of the House of Windsor of course. (Going off.)
Prince Philip will have to go you know.
INSPECTOR: You come with me Your
Majesty - it'll all be all right in a moment. You just come outside…
SEAGOON: I think I'll make you Prime
Minister. You've got the right build, you know.
INSPECTOR: That's very kind of you,
Your Majesty. Just follow me outside…
SEAGOON: Fancy Ireland? Wales is doing
nothing at the moment …
FX: Door shuts.
GRAMS: Ambulance bell. Vehicle driving
off at speed.
ORCHESTRA: Closing theme.
GREENSLADE: That was The Goon Show,
a BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan, Valentine
Dyall, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the Orchestra conducted
by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens - announcer Wallace
Greenslade - the program produced by Pat Dixon.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.
YTI 