GOON SHOW: TLO 26030
7TH
SERIES: No 25
RECORDED: 28 Mar 1957 [1]
GREENSLADE:
This is the BBC Light Program. History for schools. Question one; How do you
spell C-A-T?
SECOMBE: Cat. WELL DONE!
GREENSLADE:
Question two; Name two English queens called
SECOMBE: Jim.
GREENSLADE:
Question three: What is the Goon Show's first name and give an example of?
SECOMBE: That's a trick
question Wallace, and so here is a trick answer entitled “The Histories of
Pliny the Elder.”
ORCHESTRA: Imperial
Roman theme.
GRAMS: Fade in seashore sounds. Waves and gulls.
GREENSLADE:
And so in the year ex-el-one-one-one B.C, Julius Caesar set foot on the British
shore, and was greeted by the natives.[2]
ECCLES: Hello!
CAESAR: Vini, vidi,
vici.
ECCLES: Eh?
CAESAR: I came, I saw, I
conquered.
ECCLES: Oooh! Fine, fine.
Well, I'm just going in for a dip – give the old kippers a steam. Ha ha!
CAESAR: Brutus Moriartus,
seize that Briton and prepare him for a life of slavery.
MORIARTUS: Ave, sexun tu
Caesar. Cavè! [3]
Here comes another Charlie Britannicus!
SEAGOON: (Approaching, singing)
When
you're tramp, tramp, tramping along the high road,
with your tressed
hair all tied down…
Hello, folks. Who cares!
CAESAR: Gad, he's up
early.
MORIARTUS: He must be one of
the early Britons.
CAESAR: Quiet, you fumon[4]
centurion! Tell the men to pull the galley ashore, quickly.
MORIARTUS: Ave. Straight
away!
CAESAR: (Calls out) Ah, good morning!
SEAGOON: How-do. I see
your boat's all loaded up. Going round the light house?
MORIARTUS: You savage
English fool – this is the imperial Julius Caesar! We are Romans. Prepare
yourself for combatus.
SEAGOON: Righto. Righto
Jack, righto. I'll go and get the lads together, only being Sunday they'll be
in the pubs you know.
ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok
theme.
BLOODNOK: Ohhh! Ohhhhh! So
the Romans want to take the field against us, do they?
SEAGOON: That's right,
Britannicus. They're very keen to have a do with us you know. And you never know
– (laughs),
we might win.
BLOODNOK: Win? No, we
mustn't. We don't want to spoil our record.
SEAGOON: Oh... Well, ah – what'll
I tell them then?
BLOODNOK: Well, tell them
to put their goal on the edge of the cliffs. That will give their goalie a bit
of a rough time, won't it?
SEAGOON: (Laughter) You don't care, do you.
Right-oh, kick off two-thirty then.
BLOODNOK: Splendid.
Splendid.
ORCHESTRA: Epic
Roman link.
GREENSLADE:
And so the Britons in their blue woad,[5]
took the field before the might of the Roman Army.
GRAMS: Football
crowd singing. Cheering.
CAESAR: Brutus
Moriaritus! Here, what kind of army is this that takes the field in blue
jerseys with a ball at their feet?
MORIARTUS: Must be some kind
of trickus. Look! They're forming up.
FX: Referees whistle.
CAESAR: That must be
their signal to attack.
MORIARTUS: Forward men. Advantus!
GRAMS:
BLOODNOK: Ahh! I say, they're
a rough lot these Romans you know.
FX: Referees whistle.
BLOODNOK: Ohhh!
MORIARTUS: What! What's
this? Why have you stopped for?
SEAGOON: Rough play,
that's what we've stopped for, I'll tell 'ee. Every time I come up the wing,
your outside right swipes at me with a dirty big sword!
CAESAR: (Approaching) I say, what is all this
hold up about?
SEAGOON: Why, rough play.
That's what this is.
ECCLES: Yer, yer.
SEAGOON: Well, I mean – and
then, and then Jack, we don't hold with all this javelin practice when the ball's
in play. And another thing; you're only allowed eleven men on the field. I've counted
693 of yours so far.
CAESAR: All right. I'll
send one off.
SEAGOON: Right. PLAY ON!
GRAMS:
GREENSLADE:
The result – Romans: 900,
GRAMS: Troops
marching. Regiment whistling “Lily Marlene”[6] over. Hold under.
CAST: Shout idiot commands behind. ( “E-yes
RIGHT!” & “Put out that cigarette there!”)
NARRATOR: Like a mighty
octopus, the legions of
ORCHESTRA: Harp
introduction.
SPRIGGS: Oh Caesar – I
come to sing melodies divine to you.
CAESAR: Sing on, proud
minstrel.
SPRIGGS: Thank you. (sings)
Oh Caesar is a noble man,
a being
of great land high.
A gentlemen
every inch of him,
from
his feet to his hat of the height.
Hee
gnyi gnyi gnyi...gnyi gnyi gnyi…eee
CAESAR: Moriartus, this
man is a bit of a crawler. Why does he follow such a profession, Moriartus?
MORIARTUS: For money,
Caesar. He tells me he wants to die rich.
CAESAR: And so he shall.
Give him this sack of gold and then strangle him.
MORIARTUS: Yes, Caesar.
SPRIGGS: Distant death scene.
MORIARTUS: I see that ten
years in
CAESAR: True, Moriaritus.
Always a Roman I.
MORIARTUS: Will you take
wine?
CAESAR: No, thanks. I
think I'll have a half of mild and a packet of crisps.
GRAMS: Distant
crowd sounds.
GREENSLADE:
Caesar, Caesar.
CAESAR: Oh, it's
Stomachus Grossus!
GREENSLADE:
Caesar, there is an angry rabble outside. We have their leader captive.
CAESAR: Is he bound?
GREENSLADE:
Of his health I know naught, sir.
CAESAR: Bring him hither,
sir...
GRAMS: Chains
rattling.
BLOODNOK: Ohh! Take your
hands off me! You want to catch something? Ahh, so you're Julius Caesar eh?
MORIARTUS: Caesar is all
things to all men.[7]
BLOODNOK: Oh, it must be
hell in there! Senatus, Senatus! Look here Mister Caesar, we've just discovered
why you're been here ten years. You've conquered us!
MORIARTUS: Well?
BLOODNOK: Well, get out! I
mean, get out – or we shall ban midweek matches and midweek cigarettes as well.
GREENSLADE:
Beware, Britannicus Bloodnokus. The gods are angry!
BLOODNOK: I know. I've just
been hit by a rotten tomato. Oh, the birds, the birds...[8]
MORIARTUS: Why don't you
stop him, Julius Caesar?
BLOODNOK: How can I when
I'm playing the part of Bloodnok?
MORIARTUS: Now listenus. For
this rebellion Bloodnokus, you will be thrown to the wolves.
BLOODNOK: Not that team,
no. I'm a
GREENSLADE:
Good, Brittanicus. You have one alternative.
BLOODNOK: What?
GREENSLADE:
You'll be freed, providing you give us four good men for the Coliseum games in
BLOODNOK: Yes! I've got some
likely English charlies who would suit you perfectly. They were very successful
at the Scottish games.
MORIARTUS: Did they do well?
BLOODNOK: Very well. They
managed to get away with their lives, you know…
MORIARTUS: Very well.
Deliver those men to Caesar's royal barge at ex-ex-aye, ex-ex-aye and a half hours
tomorrow.
BLOODNOK: I'll do that. And
here is the first one, Maxelsus Geldrayus.
MAX GELDRAY - 'Come
On Get Happy' [10]
ORCHESTRA: Seafaring link.
GRAMS: Ocean
waves. Oars in rowlocks. Creakings of timber vessel.
GREENSLADE:
And so, some months later, a Roman slave galley drew nigh to
SLAVE DRIVER: In – out... In –
out...[12]
BLUEBOTTLE: Have you ever
rowed a gallery before, Eccelus?
ECCLES: Is that what
we're doing?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes.
ECCLES: No, I've never
done this before.
SLAVE DRIVER: Faster, you dogs!
BLUEBOTTLE: He wants our dogs
to go faster.
SLAVE DRIVER: Silence, you
scum!
ECCLES: He wants our scum
to go silent.
SLAVE DRIVER: Or do you want a taste
of the lash?
BLUEBOTTLE: No, thanks. I
just had some cocoa.
ECCLES: Oh, look! They're
bringing a new slave from the reserve.
BLUEBOTTLE: Goody!
FX: Shaking of chains.
SEAGOON: (Approaching.) Let me go, you devils!
How dare you. Take your hands off me! Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. How dare
you chain me to this oar. I shall write to the Times about this. In print!
FLOWERDEW: Shut up, you! It
was perfectly quiet until you came along. You're not the only man chained to
the oars, you know.
SEAGOON: (Shouts)
NOW – listen to me, all of you!
FLOWERDEW: All of me is
listening to you.
SEAGOON: I am the Welsh Chieftain,
Caracticus Seagoon! I for one will never surrender to the might of
ECCLES: Wait a minute –
how did they take you prisoner then?
SEAGOON: I was in the
bath. The one day a year they could catch me with my socks off.
ECCLES: Must have been
hell in there...
BLUEBOTTLE: What are you
going to do then, Caracticus? How can we file through these chains?
SEAGOON: HOW? How?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes.
SEAGOON: This evening I
received a cake from a friend, and guess what's inside?...
BLUEBOTTLE: You mean
there's...
SEAGOON: Yes – raisins!
SLAVE DRIVER: Stop that talking
in the back there!
BLUEBOTTLE: It wasn't me,
sir. It was Harold Prock!
FX: Whip crack.
BLUEBOTTLE: Aahey! You
flicked my knee!
ORCHESTRA: Further
nautical link.
CAST: Top-man cries. (“Murch knurl on the
knippert knurl!” & “Get those bums from the BBC out of here!”)
GREENSLADE:
That night, the galley docked at
AUCTIONEER:[14] All right, now
then, come on now. What am I bid for these three British-type slaves? Eccelus;
a lovely piece of property, claimed to be descended from his father. No bids?
Come on, anybody now.
SEAGOON: Three dinar!
AUCTIONEER: You fool! You're
up for sale as well.
SEAGOON: Ooo!
AUCTIONEER: There you are – a
chap with initiative. All right then, what about this last one? A pair of
genuine English knees with a hat attached called Bluebottelus. Can tie knots,
rub two sticks together, and kill his grandmother.[15]
CYRIL: I'll bid ten-thousand
dinar the three.
AUCTIONEER: Sold!
CYRIL: This way lads! (I've
seen 'im! I've seen 'im!)
SEAGOON: I say, this is
dashed decent of you to buy us. Who are you?
CYRIL: Me? I do all the
bookings for the Coliseum. (I've seen 'em! I've seen 'em! I've seen 'em!)[16]
SEAGOON: So you've seen
them, eh? The Coliseum… Could you give us a couple of tickets?
CRYIL: You won't need
any.
SEAGOON: Oh. What's on?
CRYIL: You are.
SEAGOON: Am I?
CRYIL: Yeah. Tonight, tonight.
SEAGOON: Better get the
old hobson's choice going then, hadn't I?[17]
(Sings) We'll keep a welcome in...
(I've done the Palladium, you know…)
CRYIL: You've got a
lovely voice for...
SEAGOON: (continues singing) ...in the
hillsides.
Mee mee mee,
oowa
oowa oowaoooh!
CRYIL: Lovely, lovely!...
Lovely!... Now try shouting 'help'.
SEAGOON: (Clears throat)
HEEEEELLLLPPPP!
CRYIL: Marvellous!
That'll come in very useful.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic
link.
CYRIL: Right now, you
wait in here, boys. I'll tell you when it's your turn to go on. It'll be all
right...
GRAMS: Cell
door closes.
SEAGOON: I say. What a
wonderful agent that fellow is. My first night in
ECCLES: Oh! It's a good
prog’am.
BLUEBOTTLE: What is the top
of the bill?
SEAGOON: Oh, it's got a
lovely opening act. Ah, let me see now; “Captive East Finchley Boy Scout will
fight Four Starving Lions.”
BLUEBOTTLE: (Sickening) Oh... I do not like this
lion game. Let me out of here...
FX: Rattles door.
SEAGOON: You coward,
Bluebottle. Face it like a man!
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes – well look
at the encore there: “Caracticus Seagoon will be Strangled by a Gorilla.”
SEAGOON: (Swallows hard.) HEEEEEEELLLLLP!
FX: Furious rattling of cell door.
SEAGOON: (Panicking) Let me out! You can't do
this to me! I'm a British subject! I shall write to the Times about this! Help!
Let me out! HEEeeeeeEELLLPPP!
FLOWERDEW: Oh shut up! It
was perfectly quiet ‘til you came along.
SEAGOON: It's all right
for you – you're a sailor and sailors don't care.[18]
FLOWERDEW: (Whoops dear) Ooooooooooh!
SEAGOON: Now, don't panic
everybody! I've got a plan. We'll overpower the guards.
FLOWERDEW: Yes!
ECCLES: Right – I'll take
my boots off.
SEAGOON: Good. Now, we'll
get the keys and make our way down to the
ECCLES: What's the
SEAGOON: Half past dyder. [19]
BLOODNOK: That's what they
want!
SEAGOON: I don't wish to
know this! [20] Shhh!
Here comes the guard now.
GRAMS: Huge
bolts being drawn back. Chains. Heavy door opening.
ECCLES: Take that!
FX: Blackjack on punching bag.
GUARD: Ohh!
SEAGOON: Right. RUN FOR IT!
GRAMS: Couple
of pairs of boots running off into distance.
GREENSLADE:
Dear listeners, I thought you might like to know that the groan of pain you
heard just now was not done by a Roman soldier, but – er, by me. And I thought
I did it jolly well. I'm sure you all feel the better for knowing that. Thank
you. And now – Ray Ellingbaum.
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET – “You made me love
you”
[21]
& “This can't be love”.[22]
ORCHESTRA: Imperial
Fanfare.
GREENSLADE:
Through the catacombs, our heroes managed to reach the great water pipe that
runs under the Via Appia – known of course in the Army as the famous ‘Ap-ya pipe’.
SEAGOON: All right, lads.
I think we are safe now.
ECCLES: Oh, wait a
minute. Look, there's a manhole cover right above us.
SEAGOON: Shine the beam of
this candle on it.
ECCLES: Right.
SEAGOON: I'll push it off.
Eccles? Stand on my shoulders and pull me up.
ECCLES: Okay (Straining.) I'd like to see 'em do this
on television.
CAST: (Strains supreme.)
BLUEBOTTLE: Shall I put the
mangehole cover back on now? Otherwise, if it rains, the hole will get wet.
SEAGOON: No, leave it
open. We don't want to lose the place… Shhh! Behind those bushes – someone's
coming. Quick!
GRAMS: Single
pair of boots running. Sudden stop. Splash.
LITTLE JIM: He's fallen in
the water.[23]
SEAGOON: Little Jim!
Little Jim! Little Jim! Thank you again!
LITTLE JIM: Yes.
WILLIUM: (Distant) Oh, oh! Help me. Oh!
SEAGOON: Grab my hand, foot,
ear, nose and teeth. Hup!
WILLIUM: Oh! I didn't see
that hole, you know. You don't see 'em on the corners, you know…
SEAGOON: Are you a Roman?
WILLIUM: No, mate. In the
gloaming, I am. My name's
SEAGOON: Elephants? You
must be General Hannibal of
WILLIUM: No mate, I'm
William Hannibal. I looks after the elephants at the Coliseum dere. I'm a
Battersea slave mate, there.
SEAGOON: How did you get
captured?
WILLIUM: (Oh, here’s a
lovely little boy.)
LITTLE JIM: (Get away, naughty
man.)
WILLIUM: Well, it were my
Saturday off you see, and I was taking the dog for a ball, and this Roman
fellow come up and said “Take you 'at off!” – see, like that. And I does, and
he says, “That's a nasty lump on your bonce,” and I said, “Where?” and he said,
“There!” and pointed it out with a dirty great club. Ooooohh, mate, oh! When I
come to, I feel me nut and he was right – there was a dirty big lump on it. But
it was too late by then. You see I was carrying buckets for the elephants at
the Coliseum.
SEAGOON: But we are
English-type slaves too. Would you care to join us?
WILLIUM: (Labourious) Why? Are you coming apart?
SEAGOON: What's the year?
WILLIUM: Forty-nine BC.
SEAGOON: That proves how
old that gag is! That proves how old that gag is. That proves
how old that gag is.[25]
ECCLES:
That
proves how old you are, too. Ha-ha-ha.
GRAMS: Splash
LITTLE JIM: He's fallen in
the water again.
SEAGOON: Now you can put
the lid on.
WILLIUM: I tell you what,
mate – a lot of our lads joined an escaped gladiola called Sprarticus from
Prortigal. He comes only from Prortigal, Sparticus. You know?[26]
SEAGOON: Where is he?
WILLIUM: He's hiding in
the ‘ole at the top of Vesumruvius.
SEAGOON: LET’S TO HIM!
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic
link.
GRAMS: Footsteps over rocky ground.
SPRIGGUS: Halt! Halt! Who
goes there? Who, who goes there?
SEAGOON: (Shouts from distance.) Escaped English
slaves!
SPRIGGUS: Advance and be
recognized! Recogniiiized!
SEAGOON: I am Caracticus
Seagoon. I come from
SPRIGGUS: I can see you
don't come from sardines, Jim. I'll take you to Spartacus the Gladiola. Follow
me.
GRAMS: Boots
walking on pavement.
FX: Knock on
door.
SPRIGGUS: I'll knock.
BLOODNOK: Ohhh! Oh, just a
minute, oh! Don't come in, please! I'm just changing my knees. Ooooooohh! Right,
right....
FX: Door opens.
BLOODNOK: Now - Ahhohh! OHH!
Ohh!
SEAGOON: Britannicus
Bloodnokus! How did you get to
BLOODNOK: Ask the writers.
I have no idea.
SPRIGGUS: He has no
ideeeah.
BLOODNOK: Yes.
SEAGOON: You are Spartacus?
BLOODNOK: Yesus! I was forced
to change me name, you see – I fell out with Caesar.
SEAGOON: You, you… fell
out with Caesar?
BLOODNOK: Yesus!
SEAGOON: How did that
happenus?
BLOODNOK: We were in a
chariot and we hit a bump in the road. It went... Ohhh!
ECCLES: It was me!
SEAGOON: Come now! I want
the trith, and nothing but the troth!
BLOODNOK: Well, the trith
is – how can I put it? You know that saying 'Caesar's wife is above suspicion'?
SEAGOON: Yes?
BLOODNOK: Well, I put an
end to all that rubbish. Oh! What a little beauty, oh!
SEAGOON: Are we safe here?
BLOODNOK: My dear lad, we
are actually inside the crater of an extinct volcano.
SEAGOON: Thank heaven!
Safe at last!
GRAMS: Distant
rumbling sound.
SEAGOON: I say, chaps… What!
I say, look, look, look!
BLOODNOK: Oh, ohhhh!
CAST: Shouts and cries.
GRAMS: Massive
explosion.
GREENSLADE:
Next week History for Schools tells the story of The Last Days of Pompeii.
SECOMBE: Well – is that
the lot for the old series there, Wal?
GREENSLADE:
Yep.
SECOMBE: Right. Round the
back for the old brandy there!
GRAMS: Massed
boots running away.
ORCHESTRA: End
theme
GREENSLADE:
That was the last of the present series of the Goon Show, a BBC recorded
program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray
Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray, and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott.
Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stevens, announcer Wallace Greenslade. Bobby
Jay has been on the mixing panel, and the special effects were supplied by Ian
Cook and Ron Belchier. The production was by Pat Dixon.[27]
ORCHESTRA: Playout.
YTI
[1] Milligan
was not the only creative genius dipping into the
During the war, Spike had taken every opportunity he could to visit the long enduring Roman antiquities of North Africa and Italy, in an effort, he said “to improve my education” – a patchy education, somewhat assuaged by his childhood habit of reading Chambers Encyclopaedia. In this show he weaves three Roman lives together; those of Caracticus (c. CE10 – c. CE50), Spartacus (c. BCE109 – BCE71) and Gaius Plinius Secundus, Pliny the Elder (CE23 – CE79).
Spartacus, a Bulgarian gladiator, escaped from slavery
in BCE73 with seventy followers and established a guerrilla camp in the caldera
(the then thickly wooded crater) of Vesuvius. Eventually commanding an army of
over 100,000, his brilliant use of tactics enabled him to defeat the Roman
legions for three years, until finally being overcome in a battle in southern
The ‘trick answer’ Seagoon refers to is this – Spartacus did live inside the volcano; Pliny’s histories don’t exist; Spartacus did not get killed in the Vesuvius eruption; Pliny the elder did. Pliny had organised a humanitarian rescue effort within hours of the initial explosion so as to evacuate survivors, but was killed by an inhalation of the poisonous, sulphuric gases as he struggled back to the galleys.
[2] Milligan’s use of facts, like his
comedy, was fast and loose. Julius Caesar invaded in BCE55 and again in 54.
Claudius Caesar authorised an invasion in CE43, the numerical date quoted,
commanded by Aulus Platius. This invasion led to the establishing of Roman
rule.
[3] The Latin here seems to be of
Milligan’s own making. Cavè, however does almost mean ‘look out!’, although the
declension is not correct.
[4] Although Sellers was well known for
his mispronunciations, I rather suspect this one is deliberate and could have
been scripted this way. The word is probably meant to be ‘fuming.’
[5] An example of how historical
misreadings create history. Julius Caesar in “de Bello Gallico” mentions that the Britanni marked their bodies
with vitrum, assumed forever afterwards to mean ‘woad’. Vitrum does not
translate to ‘woad’ and modern day tests show that the tattoos almost certainly
would have been made from grass dyes.
[6] “Lili Marleen” was written in the
German trenches during WWI by a young Hamburgischer, Hans Leip (1893-1983). The
poem was eventually set to music in 1938 by Norbert Schultze. Taken up by various
radio stations in the occupied countries of Europe, it was heard by British
soldiers in
[7] Here is an example of the ‘third man’ entrance, one of the intricate mechanisms behind the Goon Show writing. Of the eight main characters, six were Sellers/Milligan duos – Grytpype/Moriarty: Henry/Min: Bluebottle/Eccles; with a further two solo characters – Seagoon and Bloodnok. Whenever the duos had a scene, the only voice left to play a third party was Secombe. Milligan, over the years of writing, learnt to make Secombe almost his last choice for a third voice, as it tended to confuse the listeners. Secombe was a ‘one voice’ artist.
What he did next was to sidestep the situation by firstly having an interloper join the duo and take over the conversation, leaving himself or Peter free to break out of the duo and play another character. The interloper (or ‘third man’) in this scene is of course Greenslade. His presence deflects the audiences attention away from the fact that Sellers has had to change from Grytpype/Caesar and begin to play Bloodnok.
This ‘third man’ device had become second nature to Milligan’s writing by the seventh series. So much so, that he even begins to turn the comedy guns on himself a few lines later, and let Moriarty unmask his writing technique.
[8] Getting ‘the bird’ was the
theatrical term for being booed offstage by an audience – the first sign of
public rejection usually being a couple of well aimed missiles from ‘the gods’
– the highest (and cheapest) seats in any theatre. Secombe was once hounded
offstage somewhere in the provinces and sent Milligan a telegram saying – “Wonderful reception. Audience with me all
the way. Managed to throw them off at the station.”
[9] The ‘wolves’ referred to are the
Wolverhampton Wanderers Football Club, based in Wolverhampton in the
[10] By Arlen and Koehler, written for “The Nine-fifteen Revue” in 1930. Judy
Garland sang it in her last great MGM musical “Summer Stock” filmed in 1950, while later in the decade Ella
Fitzgerald and Sinatra recorded their own marvellous versions of the song. An
instrumental version of the number also served for a time as the theme music
for Warner Bros.’ “Merrie Melodies”
cartoons.
[11]
[12] Spike almost gets away with an
improvised line here. Eccles tries to say (under his breath) “Make up your
mind!”
[13] “Mrs Dale’s Diary” was one of the
most famous radio drama serials ever broadcast by the BBC, running from 1948
until 1969.
[15] Milligan’s method for killing a
grandmother appears in “The Milligan Book
of Records” published by W.H. Allen & Co.
[16] I think it is reasonable to assume
that Cyril is doing a send up of Val Parnell, the
[17] ‘Hobson’s choice’ –
[18] A split reference to both the 1940
British film “Sailor’s Don’t Care” (starring
Michael Wilding), with a bit of a nod towards the famous music hall song “Ship
Ahoy,” in which sailors are portrayed as
‘bright and breezy – free and easy.’ The British music hall sailor was often
portrayed as sexually ravenous, and frequently camp.
[19] Unknown meaning.
[20] The cast were generally acting like
a sixth form class on the last day before hols. The ad libs are almost too fast
to keep track of. “Kindly leave this
stage/prison” is a traditional music hall come-back line. “Hello boys and girls” is probably a
reference to the kindly voice and mannerisms of ‘Uncle Mac’ – the BBC’s Derek McCulloch.
[21] A hit since it first appeared, this
standard was written by
[22] By Rodgers and Hart from ‘The Boys From
[23] This was the ninth time this catch
phrase had been used. It had appeared firstly in “The Rent Collectors”, then “The
Moon Show,” “The Mysterious
Punch-Up-The-Conker,” “Round the
World in Eighty Days,” “Insurance the
White Man’s Burden,” “The Trans Africa Aeroplane Canal,” “Ill Met by Goonlight,” “The Missing Boa Constrictor” and finally this, the last show of the series. As if to
emphasise the point, Milligan uses it twice.
[24]
[25] Milligan tries to interrupt at this
point, but with the cast and audience falling about laughing it is unclear
whether he’s trying to ad-lib or follow the script. Eventually he says “The Government will issue a white paper now.”
This probably refers to the British Government White Paper on Defence from 1955
which announced the decision to produce the hydrogen bomb and to commence
production of nuclear power. The relevance of this to Secombe’s overwrought
comedy performance is probably Spike being ironic.
[26] This odd quote about something ‘only
coming from Prortigal” occurs firstly in ‘The
Telephone’ (11/7th)
[27] A last word on this show. I have
often wondered whether this script had been written as far back as the middle
of December 1956, sometime around “The
Telephone.” (11/7th) My reasons are primarily that the show has
much of the feel of a Christmas Pantomime about it and could have been intended
by Milligan for that purpose. (“Robin
Hood” – the old 5th series script, was eventually re-used.)
Also
a catch phrase which Milligan had tried out then discarded – “comes only from
Prortigal,” appears out of nowhere. Its only other appearance is in “The Telephone,” around the same time
this script could have been originally scheduled for recording.
The
new catch phrase by Little Jim, “He’s
fallen in the water” (a January 1957 invention) could easily have been
appended to this script. In fact Spike seems to have made an effort to tie
Little Jim’s entrance into the plot a little more securely by having Willium
stop and pat him on the head - a tiny little corner of the script which I find
terribly endearing, but which was cut from all TS versions and from the BBC
Record RMC. 4010 which was eventually released in mono form in September 1974.
(Despite Wilmut saying that this version was the uncut transmission
version, it lacks Flowerdew and the aside from Willium to Little Jim.)
I
doubt that we will ever know the facts of the matter.