THE MISSING
BOA CONSTRICTOR
GOON SHOW: TLO 24999
7TH SERIES: No 24
BROADCAST: 21 Mar 1957 [1]
Script by Spike Milligan
and Larry Stephens
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC. We interrupt the Goon Show for the following
announcement.
SELLERS: (funereal) Ladies and Gentlemen – the Goon Show.
GREENSLADE: Thank you. And now, the Goon Show. During this programme it is
advisable to have within easy reach an inner tube, a picture of a liquorish
factory and a spare pair of trousers.[2]
(Laughs) Ah ha ha ha ha! Better safe than sorry, eh?
SEAGOON: Ah ha ha ha! Ha
ha ha! Very
funny Mister Greensleeves. Just hold this missing boa constrictor while I
announce the Goon Show.
ORCHESTRA: Thin
chord on trumpet and snare drum.
Cymbal snap at cutoff.
SEAGOON: What what
what what what what what what what!? What’s happened to the band – where’s old
Wally Stott’s lot then?
GREENSLADE: That’s our
new economy cut orchestra; fourteen men playing one instrument.[3]
SEAGOON: Please
Mister Greenslade, I get the laughs in this show – I wear the funny body. Now,
just make the old posh announcement there…
CAST: Various encouraging cries “Good luck there
Wal!” etc
GREENSLADE: Do you mind!
Quiet please, thank you. Right now then, just hold this boa constrictor…
BLOODNOK: (off) Ohohohhhhh!
GREENSLADE: Now – ladies
and gentlemen, the Goon Show part one.
ORCHESTRA: Grandiloquent introduction. End on unsettling
chord.
GRAMS: Distant
crowd noises.
OMNES: Shouts of ‘hooray’ over. Continue under.
SELLERS: (BBC announcer ‘on location.’) And here,
on this glorious eighth of march, I can see the minister of transport mounting
the dais wearing his chain of tether as he prepares to inaugurate
SEAGOON: Hello folks!
Hello folks! I was there that day trying to raffle a boa constrictor. (Goes off shouting) Tickets! Tickets!
Tickets for a boa constrictor!
CYRIL:[4]
Do you mind getting that large worm out the way? I’m trying to hear the
minister talking.
GRAMS: Recording.
(Use too much reverb. Make it sound like its coming from a public address
system.) MILLIGAN: My Lords, ladies and gentlemen.
SELLERS: ‘Ere
‘ere!
MILLIGAN: I
have… (Thank you.) I have great pleasure in this magnificent year…
SELLERS:
Bravo.
MILLIGAN: All
of England…&c
GRAMS: Desultory
applause.
SELLERS: (BBC ‘on location’ voice.) And with the
crowd lashed into a frenzy by the power of his speech[5],
the Minister presses the plunger.
GRAMS: Enormous
explosion. Bits and pieces falling. Distant fire bells.
SEAGOON: As the wall
disintegrated, two men in pyjamas appeared from the debris.
MORIARTY: Ayoh… eih…
ayoh. What... what… what… what happened? Owww! Hyyadah! He-do-hohdah! Hyiamma!
La… Hyihedimukka… Ow-ow-owww. &c
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty,
don’t you dare do that again!
MORIARTY: I didn’t do
anything! Look…
GRYTPYPE: You went owwwww!
MORIARTY: I did, I
know – but look... listen to me you fool!
GRYTPYPE: What?
MORIARTY: We’re
ruined.
GRYTPYPE: Yes I know.
We’re homeless, destitute and penniless.
MORIARTY: Not a penny!
SEAGOON: Good morning gentlemen.
MORIARTY: What’s he
mean ‘gentlemen’? [6]
SEAGOON: Care to buy
a raffle ticket for a boa constrictor?
GRYTPYPE: I’m sorry.
Our boa constrictor has already got one.
MORIARTY: In any case
little gentleman, we haven’t any money. We’ve been rendered homeless, homeless
– by an explosion called bang.
SEAGOON: What, what,
what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what! What! Home? That was a
wall.
GRYTPYPE: I know. We
always live in walls – it’s cheaper.
SEAGOON: I’m sorry
gentlemen, but you realise that that wall was the last obstacle in the way of
our new road through
GRYTPYPE: I hate to
frighten you, but I happen to know there is another obstacle right in the path
of your new road.
SEAGOON: Ah ha ha
hehouha what? Name it!
GRYTPYPE: It’s already
got a name, Neddie. It’s called – (hello folks) – and I quote from this careful
plan of a robbery, the
SEAGOON: What! (Hello
folks!) Very well, we’ll have to explode that too.
GRYTPYPE: No, no, no, Neddie!
No!
MORIARTY: No, Neddie.
No, no!
GRYTPYPE: Don’t do
such a thing – you’re making the dear Count steam. Only one part of the Town
Hall lies in the path of your road; the city treasure’s safe.
SEAGOON: But he’d
never agree to me blowing his safe up!
GRYTPYPE: But he
already has Neddie my dear lady, and as long as you do it secretly at dead of
night without his knowledge, he is perfectly agreeable.
SEAGOON: Splendid. (Laughs) Ha ha! Just hold this boa
constrictor and I’ll meet you there at
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic
link.
GREENSLADE: At
SEAGOON: Psst! Pssst!
ECCLES: Mr Seagoon!
I didn’t recognize you.
SEAGOON: I didn’t
recognize you either. Come to think of it, we’ve never met before.[8]
ECCLES: Oh! Well
that explains it I suppose.
SEAGOON: Now then, have
you got the dynamite?
ECCLES: Yes, I got
the….
GRAMS: Loud
explosion
ECCLES: Oh well,
I’ll go and get some more.
SEAGOON: You shattered
fool! Don’t worry – I’ve got some. Now, I’ll go inside and you wait out here.
ECCLES: Ok then. Off
you go then. (Calling off) Mind the
big door! Oh...and there’s a step down near the wash-room. Be careful of that. (Louder) Oh-a, and mind the hat stand in
the middle of the last chamber. (Very
loudly) Don’t you worry, I’ll keep my eyes open for you. (Loudest of all.) Dooon’t woooorry!
SEAGOON: (Close to mic) Yes. Well I’ll go in now.
ECCLES: What! Oh, I
didn’t see you standing there. How can you see in the dark Mister Seagoon?
SEAGOON: I can see in
the dark very well, my dear fellow. In the RAF they used to call me “Cat’s eyes”
Seagoon.[9]
You know why?
ECCLES: No. Why?
SEAGOON: Because I
was the same size as a cat. (Laughs
hysterically.) A-ha ha ha ha ha! “Cat-sized Seagoon!”
Aha ha ha ha ha! Ahem.
GRAMS: Fanfare
on awful music hall piano.
FX: Tin can falls onto hard surface.
SEAGOON: Eccles – put
that piano down! We want no killing on this job. And don’t forget – (hello
folks) – I’m going in there, and you sing to cover the noise of the explosion.
ECCLES: OK… (Sings.)
Aye dum dai-ai.
Ah
dum dai dai…
Ah-ow-ow-mai
ladaiow!
Ye
de-dai…
Ah-I got my legs to keep me warm.[10]
WILLIUM: ‘Ello,
‘ello! What’s-a going on ‘ere? I er,
appremend you for singeing in a doorway without a licence.
ECCLES: Just a
minute my good constabule. I got a licence.
WILLIUM: You got a
licence, have you?
ECCLES: Yeah.
WILLIUM: Here, wait a
minute. Let me see… (extended) Wait,
I’ll get my glasses. Here my good man – this is a doge licence!
ECCLES: I know. It’s
cheaper than a music licence.
WILLIUM: Well you
can’t sing with this licence mate. You only allowed to bark or ‘owl.
ECCLES: Okay then
constabule. I won’t break the law. I’ll imitate a dog then. (Barks – extended.)
GRAMS: Truck
approaching at speed. Pulls up with squeal of brakes. Running boots. ECCLES
abruptly stops.
FX: Car
door closes.
GRAMS: Truck
driving away at speed.
FX: Phone
rings.
FX: Phone picks up.
SEAGOON: Hello?
OFFICIAL:[11]
(On phone) Hello. Mister Seagoon?
SEAGOON: Yes.
OFFICIAL: Battersea
dog’s home here[12].
There’s a man here claims he’s your dog.
SEAGOON: Right.
FX: phone down
SEAGOON: Curse! I’ve
lit the fuse. What to do?
GRYTPYPE: Neddie. You
claim your friend and we shall wait for the explosion and remove that
naughty-type safe.
SEAGOON: Splendid!
GRYTPYPE: But first,
here’s your missing boa-constrictor – (hello folks!) – which is about to do an
impression of Max Geldray.
MAX GELDRAY – “Boo-Dah” [13]
GREENSLADE: The Goon Show,
part two.
GRAMS: Explosion.
GRYTPYPE: There she
goes Moriarty – the
MORIARTY: Good, good.
Now folks, let’s count
FX: Two coins dropped onto hard surface.
MORIARTY: Four-pence. Half
each!
GRYTPYPE: Oh, at last
we’re in the money, Moriarty!
MORIARTY: I never knew
GRYTPYPE: Hello folks!
SEAGOON: Hello folks!
Gentlemen, I’m sorry I missed the explosion.
GRYTPYPE: Neddie – (hello
folks) we have a confession to make to you. That bang-type explosion was in the
nature of a safe-cracking.
SEAGOON: You mean…
I’ve committed a criminal-type robbery?
GRYTPYPE: Yea type – (hello
folks) yes Neddie.
MORIARTY: Oui-type
yes. Ja!
SEAGOON: (Weeping) This means the end of an
extinguished career. All my life, (hello folks) – all my life I’ve worked and
slaved to build the ring road in
MORIARTY: Ohh, little
steaming welsh ball, you HAVE made your fortune. (Where’s that prop?) Ha ha ha
ha! Little hairy Neddie! Listen Neddie, see this gramophone record?
SEAGOON: Yes.
MORIARTY: This
gramophone record is a rara avis[15]
in the world of gramophones. It’s worth a fortune.
(Laughs hysterically) Ha ha ha ha ha
ha – a fortune! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha – a fortune!
GRYTPYPE: It’s a rare
recording d’you hear of Greig’s A minor piano concerto played by Chopin.[16]
SEAGOON: What makes
it so valuable?
GRYTPYPE: LEGS Chopin!
Don’t you realise Neddie – it’s played on a legs piano!
MORIARTY: Yes, and
Neddie for this record you can name your own price! Neddie, ha ha haw haw oh oh
auch…(becomes incoherent.)
GRYTPYPE: (Whispers) Don’t steam so much Moriarty.
(Aloud) But for the time being you
must lay low.
SEAGOON: Right. I’ll
get my head down.
GRYTPYPE: Not here you
fool! In the corner of some foreign field…
MORIARTY: …that is
forever
SEAGOON: Right.
Eccles!
ECCLES: Yep?
SEAGOON: Saddle that
boa-constrictor. Giddup there!
GRAMS: Horses
hooves galloping into distance with chicken clucking over. All speeded up.
GREENSLADE: Listeners
may doubt the authenticity of this sound – a boa-constrictor galloping. If the
truth be known, a horse covered with a snake skin was used to simulate the
sound. As for the chicken noise, we can only apologise.[18]
And now we join Seagoon in his country hide-out.
GRAMS: Distant
bird noises behind. (Recording: Flute and Harp version of
“Greensleeves”. SPRIGGS: …my
lo-ove
I
cry for thee
For
tonight I go
upon
dear old Greenslade. (Continue under.)
SEAGOON: Thank you
Mister Beverley.[19]
Yes, it was a lovely old sixteenth century Tudor ditch. It had been modernized
and had running water laid on.
GRAMS: Body
falls into water.
BLOODNOK: Ooooohhhh!
Owwwowwww! Owwwwarggghhhh! Ohhhhh![20]
SEAGOON: Major
Bloodnok! How dare you drop on me from a great height.
BLOODNOK: Neddie – we
must be neighbours. You know, I live across the road. You see that pig-sty?
SEAGOON: Yes.
BLOODNOK: Well you see
the big Manor house behind it?
SEAGOON: Yes.
BLOODNOK: Well I live
in the pig-sty.
SEAGOON: I haven’t
seen you around since the case of the missing compost heap.
BLOODNOK: Yes, well –
you see I’m just hiding here ‘till it all blows over, you know.
SEAGOON: It blows
over me every night.
BLOODNOK: (Good luck!)
I know, I know. You’d think they’d nail it down.
SEAGOON: Well, make
yourself at home Major. Here – lie down in this chair.
BLOODNOK: No thank
you. I’m quite comfortable kneeling on this wash-stand, thank you.
SEAGOON: Bloodnok, I
am going to let you into a secret. Just listen to this record. It’s the only
recording of a record in the world of Chopin in person on a record recording in
the world of Chopin …
GRAMS: Echoey
recording of tatty piano playing dance hall number.
BLOODNOK: You fool! – you military fool! That’s
not Chopin playing.
SEAGOON: Are you
sure?
BLOODNOK: Of course
I’m sure. Chopin’s dead – it can’t be him.
SEAGOON: Just to make
sure I’ll put the record on and ask him.
GRAMS: Start
dance hall recording again. Crank it up slightly at the beginning.
SEAGOON: Stop!
GRAMS: Music
stops abruptly.
SEAGOON: I’m sorry to
interrupt but, er – I’ve been told you’re not Chopin.
GRAMS: Recording
– SPRIGGS: “What? I tell you I am, Sir! I aaaaaaam. I am Chopin.”
SEAGOON: Have you any
proof?
GRAMS: Recording
– SPRIGGS: “Yes, my birth certificate, certificaaaaaaaate, is on the other side.”
BLOODNOK: Right! Well then put it on.
GRAMS: Recording
– SPRIGGS: “I name this child Fred Chopin.” Big splash.
LITTLE
JIM:
He’s fallen in the water.[21]
SEAGOON: Thank you
little Jim!
BLOODNOK: I tell you Neddie,
this record is a fake.
SEAGOON: But the hole
in the middle looks genuine.
BLOODNOK: Look, any
hatter knows that all you have to do is to take it to ye house of wax records
for authentication.[22]
SEAGOON: Right! Hold
this brown boa-constrictor.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic
link.
GREENSLADE: Neddie
proceeded to
FX: Door opening.
CRUN: Ah. Good
um…good morning, um...
SEAGOON: Neddie
Seagoon, hello-folks!
CRUN: Good morning
Neddie Seagoon-Hello-Folks!
SEAGOON: I believe
you are a dealer in instruments and records.
CRUN: Yes. What
about an all rubber euphonium with fitted carpets?
SEAGOON: An all
rubber euphonium with fitted carpets!!
CRUN: I’m sorry
sir – they’re out of stock. You can’t get the wood you know. Now here is
something it suit everybody’s pocket.
SEAGOON: What is it?
CRUN: A lining! (Ancient cackling) Oh ho ho ho ho! (Further
ancient cackling)
FX: Body falls to the floor.
BANNISTER: Oh dear!
He’s fainted.
SEAGOON: Yes, and at
the exact moment in which you hit him with that hammer. Lift him in the
direction of up while I bring him in the direction of round.
BANNISTER: Right. Ohhh
Henry… Henry. Speak to me Henry… Speak to me about your will.
SEAGOON: Steady. Hold
this bottle of Ray Ellington under his nose.
BANNISTER:
Ohohhhhhhhiiiieeeee...
RAY ELLINGTON – “The Water Melon
Song” [23]
GREENSLADE: The Goon
Show, part three. Seagoon goes to Scotland Yard.
INSPECTOR: (GRAMS: bagpipes under.)[24]
You say you are partly responsible for the
SEAGOON: Yes, but it
was all a trap.
INSPECTOR: (GRAMS: bagpipes under.) Oh dear. Dear, dear, oh
dear!
SEAGOON: Yes – I’ve
been a fool. (With feeling) Yes –
I’ve been a fool. (Dramatic pause.)
I’ve been a fool. (Milking it.) A
real… fool.
INSPECTOR: (GRAMS: bagpipes under.) If you think I’m going
to contradict you, you’re wrong.
SEAGOON: I tell you
Inspector Bernstein, if we can find these two men I’ll prove my innocence.
INSPECTOR: (GRAMS: bagpipes under.) Now then, would these
two men recognize you if they saw you again?
INSPECTOR: (GRAMS: bagpipes under.) Well, I think the….
INSPECTOR: Put them
pipes doon!
FX: Telephone rings. Receiver immediately picked
up.
SEAGOON: Hello! What?
Yes! Good! Right!
FX: Phone down
SEAGOON: A bit of luck. They’ve found the safe!
INSPECTOR: Harrrrghned
nack the noorrrgh!
SEAGOON: Harrrgh too!
INSPECTOR: After it on
this boa constrictor.
GRAMS: Train
whistle; engine speeding off - all at
terrific speed. Recording: (Milligan:)
Cockerel crowing. Gunshot. Giant splash. Metal spring. Fred
the oyster. Pane of glass breaking. Old gramophone recording of ‘The
GREENSLADE:
I’m afraid you’ll have to work that one out for yourselves.[25]
Meanwhile in a field in
BLUEBOTTLE: Halt! Who
goes there?
GREENSLADE: Silly boy,
silly boy! I’m only the announcer.
BLUEBOTTLE: Then what
are you doing in a field in
GREENSLADE: I’m not
really in a field in
GREENSLADE: (Shadowed
by Bluebottle) ...it just so
happens that I was merely announcing in the… Shut up!
BLUEBOTTLE: Shut up!
GREENSLADE: (Shadowed
by Bluebottle) …announcing in
the studio the next… Will you shut up!
BLUEBOTTLE: Will you
shut up, will you…
GREENSLADE: (shadowed by Bluebottle) … which happens
to be a field... Will you… Oh, I’m fed up with this wiry idiot.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, do not
be angry at ‘bonttle. I was only doing my best-type acting ‘cause Gladys Bowels
is listening tonight.
GREENSLADE: May I ask who
is Gladys Bowls? [26]
BLUEBOTTLE: She’s my
Mistress at school. (Very close to mic.)
Hello Miss Bowels. This is me talking on the electric wireless. Ehhheehehehehehe!
SEAGOON: Shut up.
BLUEBOTTLE: Shut up!
SEAGOON: Shut up.
Here, tie a knot in this string and swallow it. Gentlemen of the police - this
is the safe. How do you suggest we open it?
INSPECTOR: Arrgh.
Harrrun.
JAMPTON: (Rubbish. Extended.)[27]
SEAGOON: We tried
that but it failed.
JAMPTON: (Further rubbish.)
SEAGOON: I’ve got it!
I’ve got it!!
ECCLES: OK!
GRAMS: Burning
fuse. Continue under.
SEAGOON: Right! All
run for it!
GRAMS: Boots
running into distance. Fade in sound of stiff breeze. Lock being shaken.
Squeaky door opening.
MORIARTY: Oh, ho ho ho!
GRYTPYPE: Close that
safe door Moriarty. It’s draughty.
MORIARTY: Wait a minute Grytpype! I thought I
smelt something exploding.
GRYTPYPE: Smelt
something exploding?
MORIARTY: Yes.
GRYTPYPE: Nonsense.
It’s too near the end of the show for an explo…
GRAMS: Massive
explosion.
SEAGOON: Curse! The explosion has blown
the door off the safe.
MORIARTY: It’s also
blown the safe off the door. Awwwww….
SEAGOON: Look! Those
were the two men.
GRYTPYPE: Quick
Moriarty, bury that fourpence.
SEAGOON: Eccles,
cover them with this missing boa constrictor.
ECCLES: Ok you
naughty men, hands up – this boa constrictor is loaded. Hand back
GRYTPYPE: Very well, I
give in. Your boa constrictor’s much bigger than mine.
ECCLES: Ooooohhh!
GRYTPYPE: Still, here is
your fourpence back.
GRAMS: Large
splash
SEAGOON: You… you
threw it in the water!
GRYTPYPE: Yes. We’ve
gone into voluntary liquidation.
SEAGOON: Don’t worry,
any bank will cash that water – especially the river bank. And with the money…
(Get your hats and coats on lads, here it comes. We’re getting near it now.)
…and with the money,
ORCHESTRA: Tatty
chord in C
GREENSLADE: Ladies and
gentlemen, if you weren’t satisfied with that ending you’ll be glad to know
that neither were we.
ORCHESTRA: End
theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the
Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and
Spike Milligan; with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray, and the orchestra
conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens;
announcer Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Pat Dixon.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.
YTI 