THE MISSING
BOA CONSTRICTOR
GOON SHOW: TLO 24999
7TH SERIES: No 24
BROADCAST: 21 Mar 1957 [1]
Script by Spike Milligan
and Larry Stephens
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC. We interrupt the Goon Show for the following
announcement.
SELLERS: (funereal) Ladies and Gentlemen – the Goon Show.
GREENSLADE: Thank you. And now, the Goon Show. During this programme it is
advisable to have within easy reach an inner tube, a picture of a liquorish
factory and a spare pair of trousers.[2]
(Laughs) Ah ha ha ha ha! Better safe than sorry, eh?
SEAGOON: Ah ha ha ha! Ha
ha ha! Very
funny Mister Greensleeves. Just hold this missing boa constrictor while I
announce the Goon Show.
ORCHESTRA: Thin
chord on trumpet and snare drum.
Cymbal snap at cutoff.
SEAGOON: What what
what what what what what what what!? What’s happened to the band – where’s old
Wally Stott’s lot then?
GREENSLADE: That’s our
new economy cut orchestra; fourteen men playing one instrument.[3]
SEAGOON: Please
Mister Greenslade, I get the laughs in this show – I wear the funny body. Now,
just make the old posh announcement there…
CAST: Various encouraging cries “Good luck there
Wal!” etc
GREENSLADE: Do you mind!
Quiet please, thank you. Right now then, just hold this boa constrictor…
BLOODNOK: (off) Ohohohhhhh!
GREENSLADE: Now – ladies
and gentlemen, the Goon Show part one.
ORCHESTRA: Grandiloquent introduction. End on unsettling
chord.
GRAMS: Distant
crowd noises.
OMNES: Shouts of ‘hooray’ over. Continue under.
SELLERS: (BBC announcer ‘on location.’) And here,
on this glorious eighth of march, I can see the minister of transport mounting
the dais wearing his chain of tether as he prepares to inaugurate
SEAGOON: Hello folks!
Hello folks! I was there that day trying to raffle a boa constrictor. (Goes off shouting) Tickets! Tickets!
Tickets for a boa constrictor!
CYRIL:[4]
Do you mind getting that large worm out the way? I’m trying to hear the
minister talking.
GRAMS: Recording.
(Use too much reverb. Make it sound like its coming from a public address
system.) MILLIGAN: My Lords, ladies and gentlemen.
SELLERS: ‘Ere
‘ere!
MILLIGAN: I
have… (Thank you.) I have great pleasure in this magnificent year…
SELLERS:
Bravo.
MILLIGAN: All
of England…&c
GRAMS: Desultory
applause.
SELLERS: (BBC ‘on location’ voice.) And with the
crowd lashed into a frenzy by the power of his speech[5],
the Minister presses the plunger.
GRAMS: Enormous
explosion. Bits and pieces falling. Distant fire bells.
SEAGOON: As the wall
disintegrated, two men in pyjamas appeared from the debris.
MORIARTY: Ayoh… eih…
ayoh. What... what… what… what happened? Owww! Hyyadah! He-do-hohdah! Hyiamma!
La… Hyihedimukka… Ow-ow-owww. &c
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty,
don’t you dare do that again!
MORIARTY: I didn’t do
anything! Look…
GRYTPYPE: You went owwwww!
MORIARTY: I did, I
know – but look... listen to me you fool!
GRYTPYPE: What?
MORIARTY: We’re
ruined.
GRYTPYPE: Yes I know.
We’re homeless, destitute and penniless.
MORIARTY: Not a penny!
SEAGOON: Good morning gentlemen.
MORIARTY: What’s he
mean ‘gentlemen’? [6]
SEAGOON: Care to buy
a raffle ticket for a boa constrictor?
GRYTPYPE: I’m sorry.
Our boa constrictor has already got one.
MORIARTY: In any case
little gentleman, we haven’t any money. We’ve been rendered homeless, homeless
– by an explosion called bang.
SEAGOON: What, what,
what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what! What! Home? That was a
wall.
GRYTPYPE: I know. We
always live in walls – it’s cheaper.
SEAGOON: I’m sorry
gentlemen, but you realise that that wall was the last obstacle in the way of
our new road through
GRYTPYPE: I hate to
frighten you, but I happen to know there is another obstacle right in the path
of your new road.
SEAGOON: Ah ha ha
hehouha what? Name it!
GRYTPYPE: It’s already
got a name, Neddie. It’s called – (hello folks) – and I quote from this careful
plan of a robbery, the
SEAGOON: What! (Hello
folks!) Very well, we’ll have to explode that too.
GRYTPYPE: No, no, no, Neddie!
No!
MORIARTY: No, Neddie.
No, no!
GRYTPYPE: Don’t do
such a thing – you’re making the dear Count steam. Only one part of the Town
Hall lies in the path of your road; the city treasure’s safe.
SEAGOON: But he’d
never agree to me blowing his safe up!
GRYTPYPE: But he
already has Neddie my dear lady, and as long as you do it secretly at dead of
night without his knowledge, he is perfectly agreeable.
SEAGOON: Splendid. (Laughs) Ha ha! Just hold this boa
constrictor and I’ll meet you there at
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic
link.
GREENSLADE: At
SEAGOON: Psst! Pssst!
ECCLES: Mr Seagoon!
I didn’t recognize you.
SEAGOON: I didn’t
recognize you either. Come to think of it, we’ve never met before.[8]
ECCLES: Oh! Well
that explains it I suppose.
SEAGOON: Now then, have
you got the dynamite?
ECCLES: Yes, I got
the….
GRAMS: Loud
explosion
ECCLES: Oh well,
I’ll go and get some more.
SEAGOON: You shattered
fool! Don’t worry – I’ve got some. Now, I’ll go inside and you wait out here.
ECCLES: Ok then. Off
you go then. (Calling off) Mind the
big door! Oh...and there’s a step down near the wash-room. Be careful of that. (Louder) Oh-a, and mind the hat stand in
the middle of the last chamber. (Very
loudly) Don’t you worry, I’ll keep my eyes open for you. (Loudest of all.) Dooon’t woooorry!
SEAGOON: (Close to mic) Yes. Well I’ll go in now.
ECCLES: What! Oh, I
didn’t see you standing there. How can you see in the dark Mister Seagoon?
SEAGOON: I can see in
the dark very well, my dear fellow. In the RAF they used to call me “Cat’s eyes”
Seagoon.[9]
You know why?
ECCLES: No. Why?
SEAGOON: Because I
was the same size as a cat. (Laughs
hysterically.) A-ha ha ha ha ha! “Cat-sized Seagoon!”
Aha ha ha ha ha! Ahem.
GRAMS: Fanfare
on awful music hall piano.
FX: Tin can falls onto hard surface.
SEAGOON: Eccles – put
that piano down! We want no killing on this job. And don’t forget – (hello
folks) – I’m going in there, and you sing to cover the noise of the explosion.
ECCLES: OK… (Sings.)
Aye dum dai-ai.
Ah
dum dai dai…
Ah-ow-ow-mai
ladaiow!
Ye
de-dai…
Ah-I got my legs to keep me warm.[10]
WILLIUM: ‘Ello,
‘ello! What’s-a going on ‘ere? I er,
appremend you for singeing in a doorway without a licence.
ECCLES: Just a
minute my good constabule. I got a licence.
WILLIUM: You got a
licence, have you?
ECCLES: Yeah.
WILLIUM: Here, wait a
minute. Let me see… (extended) Wait,
I’ll get my glasses. Here my good man – this is a doge licence!
ECCLES: I know. It’s
cheaper than a music licence.
WILLIUM: Well you
can’t sing with this licence mate. You only allowed to bark or ‘owl.
ECCLES: Okay then
constabule. I won’t break the law. I’ll imitate a dog then. (Barks – extended.)
GRAMS: Truck
approaching at speed. Pulls up with squeal of brakes. Running boots. ECCLES
abruptly stops.
FX: Car
door closes.
GRAMS: Truck
driving away at speed.
FX: Phone
rings.
FX: Phone picks up.
SEAGOON: Hello?
OFFICIAL:[11]
(On phone) Hello. Mister Seagoon?
SEAGOON: Yes.
OFFICIAL: Battersea
dog’s home here[12].
There’s a man here claims he’s your dog.
SEAGOON: Right.
FX: phone down
SEAGOON: Curse! I’ve
lit the fuse. What to do?
GRYTPYPE: Neddie. You
claim your friend and we shall wait for the explosion and remove that
naughty-type safe.
SEAGOON: Splendid!
GRYTPYPE: But first,
here’s your missing boa-constrictor – (hello folks!) – which is about to do an
impression of Max Geldray.
MAX GELDRAY – “Boo-Dah” [13]
GREENSLADE: The Goon Show,
part two.
GRAMS: Explosion.
GRYTPYPE: There she
goes Moriarty – the
MORIARTY: Good, good.
Now folks, let’s count
FX: Two coins dropped onto hard surface.
MORIARTY: Four-pence. Half
each!
GRYTPYPE: Oh, at last
we’re in the money, Moriarty!
MORIARTY: I never knew
GRYTPYPE: Hello folks!
SEAGOON: Hello folks!
Gentlemen, I’m sorry I missed the explosion.
GRYTPYPE: Neddie – (hello
folks) we have a confession to make to you. That bang-type explosion was in the
nature of a safe-cracking.
SEAGOON: You mean…
I’ve committed a criminal-type robbery?
GRYTPYPE: Yea type – (hello
folks) yes Neddie.
MORIARTY: Oui-type
yes. Ja!
SEAGOON: (Weeping) This means the end of an
extinguished career. All my life, (hello folks) – all my life I’ve worked and
slaved to build the ring road in
MORIARTY: Ohh, little
steaming welsh ball, you HAVE made your fortune. (Where’s that prop?) Ha ha ha
ha! Little hairy Neddie! Listen Neddie, see this gramophone record?
SEAGOON: Yes.
MORIARTY: This
gramophone record is a rara avis[15]
in the world of gramophones. It’s worth a fortune.
(Laughs hysterically) Ha ha ha ha ha
ha – a fortune! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha – a fortune!
GRYTPYPE: It’s a rare
recording d’you hear of Greig’s A minor piano concerto played by Chopin.[16]
SEAGOON: What makes
it so valuable?
GRYTPYPE: LEGS Chopin!
Don’t you realise Neddie – it’s played on a legs piano!
MORIARTY: Yes, and
Neddie for this record you can name your own price! Neddie, ha ha haw haw oh oh
auch…(becomes incoherent.)
GRYTPYPE: (Whispers) Don’t steam so much Moriarty.
(Aloud) But for the time being you
must lay low.
SEAGOON: Right. I’ll
get my head down.
GRYTPYPE: Not here you
fool! In the corner of some foreign field…
MORIARTY: …that is
forever
SEAGOON: Right.
Eccles!
ECCLES: Yep?
SEAGOON: Saddle that
boa-constrictor. Giddup there!
GRAMS: Horses
hooves galloping into distance with chicken clucking over. All speeded up.
GREENSLADE: Listeners
may doubt the authenticity of this sound – a boa-constrictor galloping. If the
truth be known, a horse covered with a snake skin was used to simulate the
sound. As for the chicken noise, we can only apologise.[18]
And now we join Seagoon in his country hide-out.
GRAMS: Distant
bird noises behind. (Recording: Flute and Harp version of
“Greensleeves”. SPRIGGS: …my
lo-ove
I
cry for thee
For
tonight I go
upon
dear old Greenslade. (Continue under.)
SEAGOON: Thank you
Mister Beverley.[19]
Yes, it was a lovely old sixteenth century Tudor ditch. It had been modernized
and had running water laid on.
GRAMS: Body
falls into water.
BLOODNOK: Ooooohhhh!
Owwwowwww! Owwwwarggghhhh! Ohhhhh![20]
SEAGOON: Major
Bloodnok! How dare you drop on me from a great height.
BLOODNOK: Neddie – we
must be neighbours. You know, I live across the road. You see that pig-sty?
SEAGOON: Yes.
BLOODNOK: Well you see
the big Manor house behind it?
SEAGOON: Yes.
BLOODNOK: Well I live
in the pig-sty.
SEAGOON: I haven’t
seen you around since the case of the missing compost heap.
BLOODNOK: Yes, well –
you see I’m just hiding here ‘till it all blows over, you know.
SEAGOON: It blows
over me every night.
BLOODNOK: (Good luck!)
I know, I know. You’d think they’d nail it down.
SEAGOON: Well, make
yourself at home Major. Here – lie down in this chair.
BLOODNOK: No thank
you. I’m quite comfortable kneeling on this wash-stand, thank you.
SEAGOON: Bloodnok, I
am going to let you into a secret. Just listen to this record. It’s the only
recording of a record in the world of Chopin in person on a record recording in
the world of Chopin …
GRAMS: Echoey
recording of tatty piano playing dance hall number.
BLOODNOK: You fool! – you military fool! That’s
not Chopin playing.
SEAGOON: Are you
sure?
BLOODNOK: Of course
I’m sure. Chopin’s dead – it can’t be him.
SEAGOON: Just to make
sure I’ll put the record on and ask him.
GRAMS: Start
dance hall recording again. Crank it up slightly at the beginning.
SEAGOON: Stop!
GRAMS: Music
stops abruptly.
SEAGOON: I’m sorry to
interrupt but, er – I’ve been told you’re not Chopin.
GRAMS: Recording
– SPRIGGS: “What? I tell you I am, Sir! I aaaaaaam. I am Chopin.”
SEAGOON: Have you any
proof?
GRAMS: Recording
– SPRIGGS: “Yes, my birth certificate, certificaaaaaaaate, is on the other side.”
BLOODNOK: Right! Well then put it on.
GRAMS: Recording
– SPRIGGS: “I name this child Fred Chopin.” Big splash.
LITTLE
JIM:
He’s fallen in the water.[21]
SEAGOON: Thank you
little Jim!
BLOODNOK: I tell you Neddie,
this record is a fake.
SEAGOON: But the hole
in the middle looks genuine.
BLOODNOK: Look, any
hatter knows that all you have to do is to take it to ye house of wax records
for authentication.[22]
SEAGOON: Right! Hold
this brown boa-constrictor.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic
link.
GREENSLADE: Neddie
proceeded to
FX: Door opening.
CRUN: Ah. Good
um…good morning, um...
SEAGOON: Neddie
Seagoon, hello-folks!
CRUN: Good morning
Neddie Seagoon-Hello-Folks!
SEAGOON: I believe
you are a dealer in instruments and records.
CRUN: Yes. What
about an all rubber euphonium with fitted carpets?
SEAGOON: An all
rubber euphonium with fitted carpets!!
CRUN: I’m sorry
sir – they’re out of stock. You can’t get the wood you know. Now here is
something it suit everybody’s pocket.
SEAGOON: What is it?
CRUN: A lining! (Ancient cackling) Oh ho ho ho ho! (Further
ancient cackling)
FX: Body falls to the floor.
BANNISTER: Oh dear!
He’s fainted.
SEAGOON: Yes, and at
the exact moment in which you hit him with that hammer. Lift him in the
direction of up while I bring him in the direction of round.
BANNISTER: Right. Ohhh
Henry… Henry. Speak to me Henry… Speak to me about your will.
SEAGOON: Steady. Hold
this bottle of Ray Ellington under his nose.
BANNISTER:
Ohohhhhhhhiiiieeeee...
RAY ELLINGTON – “The Water Melon
Song” [23]
GREENSLADE: The Goon
Show, part three. Seagoon goes to Scotland Yard.
INSPECTOR: (GRAMS: bagpipes under.)[24]
You say you are partly responsible for the
SEAGOON: Yes, but it
was all a trap.
INSPECTOR: (GRAMS: bagpipes under.) Oh dear. Dear, dear, oh
dear!
SEAGOON: Yes – I’ve
been a fool. (With feeling) Yes –
I’ve been a fool. (Dramatic pause.)
I’ve been a fool. (Milking it.) A
real… fool.
INSPECTOR: (GRAMS: bagpipes under.) If you think I’m going
to contradict you, you’re wrong.
SEAGOON: I tell you
Inspector Bernstein, if we can find these two men I’ll prove my innocence.
INSPECTOR: (GRAMS: bagpipes under.) Now then, would these
two men recognize you if they saw you again?
INSPECTOR: (GRAMS: bagpipes under.) Well, I think the….
INSPECTOR: Put them
pipes doon!
FX: Telephone rings. Receiver immediately picked
up.
SEAGOON: Hello! What?
Yes! Good! Right!
FX: Phone down
SEAGOON: A bit of luck. They’ve found the safe!
INSPECTOR: Harrrrghned
nack the noorrrgh!
SEAGOON: Harrrgh too!
INSPECTOR: After it on
this boa constrictor.
GRAMS: Train
whistle; engine speeding off - all at
terrific speed. Recording: (Milligan:)
Cockerel crowing. Gunshot. Giant splash. Metal spring. Fred
the oyster. Pane of glass breaking. Old gramophone recording of ‘The
GREENSLADE:
I’m afraid you’ll have to work that one out for yourselves.[25]
Meanwhile in a field in
BLUEBOTTLE: Halt! Who
goes there?
GREENSLADE: Silly boy,
silly boy! I’m only the announcer.
BLUEBOTTLE: Then what
are you doing in a field in
GREENSLADE: I’m not
really in a field in
GREENSLADE: (Shadowed
by Bluebottle) ...it just so
happens that I was merely announcing in the… Shut up!
BLUEBOTTLE: Shut up!
GREENSLADE: (Shadowed
by Bluebottle) …announcing in
the studio the next… Will you shut up!
BLUEBOTTLE: Will you
shut up, will you…
GREENSLADE: (shadowed by Bluebottle) … which happens
to be a field... Will you… Oh, I’m fed up with this wiry idiot.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, do not
be angry at ‘bonttle. I was only doing my best-type acting ‘cause Gladys Bowels
is listening tonight.
GREENSLADE: May I ask who
is Gladys Bowls? [26]
BLUEBOTTLE: She’s my
Mistress at school. (Very close to mic.)
Hello Miss Bowels. This is me talking on the electric wireless. Ehhheehehehehehe!
SEAGOON: Shut up.
BLUEBOTTLE: Shut up!
SEAGOON: Shut up.
Here, tie a knot in this string and swallow it. Gentlemen of the police - this
is the safe. How do you suggest we open it?
INSPECTOR: Arrgh.
Harrrun.
JAMPTON: (Rubbish. Extended.)[27]
SEAGOON: We tried
that but it failed.
JAMPTON: (Further rubbish.)
SEAGOON: I’ve got it!
I’ve got it!!
ECCLES: OK!
GRAMS: Burning
fuse. Continue under.
SEAGOON: Right! All
run for it!
GRAMS: Boots
running into distance. Fade in sound of stiff breeze. Lock being shaken.
Squeaky door opening.
MORIARTY: Oh, ho ho ho!
GRYTPYPE: Close that
safe door Moriarty. It’s draughty.
MORIARTY: Wait a minute Grytpype! I thought I
smelt something exploding.
GRYTPYPE: Smelt
something exploding?
MORIARTY: Yes.
GRYTPYPE: Nonsense.
It’s too near the end of the show for an explo…
GRAMS: Massive
explosion.
SEAGOON: Curse! The explosion has blown
the door off the safe.
MORIARTY: It’s also
blown the safe off the door. Awwwww….
SEAGOON: Look! Those
were the two men.
GRYTPYPE: Quick
Moriarty, bury that fourpence.
SEAGOON: Eccles,
cover them with this missing boa constrictor.
ECCLES: Ok you
naughty men, hands up – this boa constrictor is loaded. Hand back
GRYTPYPE: Very well, I
give in. Your boa constrictor’s much bigger than mine.
ECCLES: Ooooohhh!
GRYTPYPE: Still, here is
your fourpence back.
GRAMS: Large
splash
SEAGOON: You… you
threw it in the water!
GRYTPYPE: Yes. We’ve
gone into voluntary liquidation.
SEAGOON: Don’t worry,
any bank will cash that water – especially the river bank. And with the money…
(Get your hats and coats on lads, here it comes. We’re getting near it now.)
…and with the money,
ORCHESTRA: Tatty
chord in C
GREENSLADE: Ladies and
gentlemen, if you weren’t satisfied with that ending you’ll be glad to know
that neither were we.
ORCHESTRA: End
theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the
Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and
Spike Milligan; with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray, and the orchestra
conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens;
announcer Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Pat Dixon.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.
YTI
[1] On the same day this show was first
broadcast, Prime Minister MacMillan, the Foreign Minister Selwyn Lloyd and the
US President Eisenhower met for talks on rapprochement in Bermuda. Their
intention was to repair the damage that
Britain's desperate armed adventure in Egypt had done to the traditional
U.S.-British alliance. With the term ‘spilled milk’ agreed to beforehand by
both parties, the international press was dallianced with stories of white
jacket parties in MacMillan’s suite aboard the missile cruiser Canberra, whilst
the ‘brushing away’ of ‘misunderstandings and the bolstering of mutual
confidence more vital to an international alliance than agreement or disagreement
on particular issues’ was firmly preached to a self satisfied media corps
assembled for politics and pool parties. The big two alliance was back in
business.
Meanwhile in Great Britain
the real business of politics was underway. Refurbishment and the deteriorating
British economy meant that things were steadily worsening for the average
family. Every improvement came at a colossal cost. Nonetheless a determined
city council in Birmingham decided to carry on with its pre-war industrial
make-over and ordered its long planned ‘inner ring road’ scheme to proceed.
Designed by Herbert Manzoni, it had required an Act of Parliament to be passed
so as to enable the first part of the scheme – Smallbrook Queensway, to be constructed
starting in 1957 and opening in 1960. The entire scheme involved the demolition
of large tracts of industrial age inner city housing and the construction of
new infrastructure, high rises, pedestrian precincts and motorways. It is now
named the A4400 and the entire project was finally completed in 1971.
[2] Factories seemed to have appealed to
Spike. He found the Heath Robinson concept of levers, cogs, spindles, wheels
and pistons, terribly funny. Spike’s doodles, with which he illustrates many of
his later books, are of this nature. They perceive the human body, life, the
universe and everything as a series of multidimensional factories; strange
contraptions driven by elemental physics and held together by chains, pulleys
and pieces of string. Two other famous Goon examples are the ‘passing glue
factory’ in “The Dreaded Batter-Pudding
Hurler” (3/5th) and ‘the Leather Omnibus factory’ in “The Mysterious Punch-up-the-Conker.”
(19/7th)
[3] The Times, in an editorial in April
said that “Britain’s crucial fight today is the fight for the £.” The crisis
was not overstated and everywhere economic cutbacks were taking effect. Ever
since the end of the war, Britain had had a continuing balance of payments
crisis brought about by the heavy burden of ‘lend lease’ repayments and the
annual loss of an estimated £650 million in profits, interest and dividends
from her overseas investments, now curtailed by war, debt and the
disintegration of the British Empire.
But
even as this show was being recorded, the ministers of six nations were meeting
in Rome to agree on the establishment of a new economic force in the world –
the European Economic Community. The Treaty of Rome (as its concordat was
termed) was signed four days later on the 25th March.
[4] Sellers in his classic (and very
funny) Golders Green accent.
[5] This line sounds exactly like a
parody of the newsreel commentators of the 30’s, who broadcast snippets of
Adolf Hitler’s speeches – particularly from the annual Nuremberg Rallys, for
the benefit of British and American audiences, providing a running commentary
on the events as they unfolded.
[6] Moriarty often says this line. On
another occasion Grytpype answers, “It’s just a word, Moriarty.”
[7] The Birmingham Town Hall is one of
Great Britain’s finest Grade 1 listed building. It was built between 1832 and
1834, but has since seen many improvements and extensions. Even as late as
2002-2008 it underwent further refurbishment as a concert hall.
[8] The odd thing about this line is
that the exact same concept was used by Peter Cook and Dudley Moore in one of
their most famous dialogues.
Cook: Isn’t it
amazing us bumping into each other like this?
Moore: Yes,
here of all places.
Cook: Here
of all places. I mean, I haven’t seen you since…
Moore: Oh
God. Hold on a second.
Cook: When
was it?
Moore: Um…
we haven’t seen each other… er… um – we haven’t seen each other – before.
Cook: That’s
right. We’ve never ever seen each other before, have we?
Moore: No.
Cook: You’ve
never seen me…
Moore: …
and I’ve never seen you. What a small world! &c (‘Not
Only…But Also’ – 1966)
[9] This was a reference to an actual
fighter pilot. Group Captain John “Cat’s
Eyes” Cunningham CBE, DSO & Two Bars (1917-2002) was credited with 20
kills while defending Britain during the blitz. Nineteen of these kills were at
night, explained away at the time by Air force propaganda as being the result
of a diet of carrots. In actual fact the defence force was covering up the use
of AI – Airbourne Interception, the early aircraft version of radar.
[10] A parody on Irving Berlin’s famous
song “I’ve Got My Love to Keep me Warm.” (1937) Ella Fitzgerald and Louis
Armstrong released a version of it during 1957.
[11] Sellers.
[12] In the
mid 1800’s Mrs Mary Tealby, a
penniless divorcee slowly dying of cancer, became concerned by the number of
abandoned animals roaming the streets of London. Although considered an
‘immoral’ act at the time, (particularly in view of the appalling conditions in
which many Londoners lived) she opened a ‘Temporary Home for Lost and Starving
Dogs’ in a stable yard in Holloway in 1860. With the assistance of Charles
Dicken who advertised her campaign, she gradually managed to establish public
awareness of the real plight of abandoned animals, and after her death in 1864
the home moved to it’s present site in Battersea, took on Royal Patronage, and
changed it’s name to The Dog’s Home, Battersea. The institution continues to
rescue, reunite and re-home hundreds of stray cats and dogs every year.
Sadly,
Mrs Mary Tealby faded from history leaving almost no information about herself
behind.
[13] A famous Duke Ellington number
written by his long time musical associate Billy Strayhorn. (1915-1967)
Strayhorn was not just an extraordinary musician, composer and arranger, but
black and openly gay. Ellington considered him “my right arm, my left arm, all the eyes in the
back of my head, my brain waves in his head, and his in mine.”
[14] Moriarty continues slightly off mic
saying, “Ooh! What a wonderful life we’ve got ahead of us!”
[15] ‘Rara avis’ means ‘a rarity’ or ‘a
person or thing rarely encountered.’ From the latin for ‘rare bird’.
[16] Whilst the Norwegian composer Edvard
Greig (1843-1907) and the Polish composer Frederick Chopin (1810-1849) were
both responsible for noteworthy piano concertos, the Greig piece was not
written until 1868, long after Chopin’s death. Spike was reasonably conversant
with classical music and write some very funny paragraphs about Chopin in the
War Memoirs; firstly in bk.2 “Rommel?
Gunner who?” p. 135 and “Mussolini –
His Part in My Downfall” p. 268, both
involving the composer’s legs.
[17] A cornerstone of 20th
century British poetry were the writings of Rupert Brooke (1887-1915.) His
gallant career came to abrupt end aboard a hospital ship off Scyros in the
Mediterranean, as the result of septicaemia caused by a mosquito bite. His poem
“The Soldier” (1915) contains the immortal lines,
“If I should die,
think only this of me;
That there’s some
corner of a foreign field
that is forever
England.”
[18] This was the second time in this
series Spike had tried this chicken gag. The first time was in ‘The Nadger
Plague’ (3/7th) when Greenslade explained that he “had included that recording of a cockerel
for people who like that sort of thing.” All Spikes jokes about chickens
have their origins in an unusual incident he narrates in book two of the War
Memoirs – “Rommel? Gunner Who?” p.25,
when the whole regiment marched clutching eggs and clucking.
[19] This whole song and the reference to
‘Mister Beverley’ is a sly dig at the BBC itself, who in their wisdom had
banned the Beverley Sisters version of “Greensleeves” from its networks upon
its release in December 1956. The corporation’s Dance Music Policy Committee,
(which at one time included such dance music specialists as Sir Arthur Bliss)
took their job very seriously indeed. The controller of sound broadcasting once
stated, “No one is more alive than I to
the need to buttress the forces of virtue against the unprincipled elements of
the jungle.” Notice too that Secombe calls Wallace Greenslade,
‘Greensleeves’ earlier on in the show. (p2)
[20] One of the few times that Bloodnok
enters a show without his usual theme music.
[21] This was the eighth outing for this
remarkable catch phrase, and the audience greeted it with quite a deal of
enthusiasm.
[22] This is an extremely obscene
reference. ‘Brown hatting’ was (and still is) the colloquial term for anal
intercourse. Milligan transfers the adjective to the next line to avoid the BBC
censors, but already Sellers corpses upon reading the word ‘hatters’ so gives
the game away. What the meaning of ‘wax records’ is I cannot guess.
[23] There exist many versions of this
song. Not all agree on the lyrics. One source says that it was originally
discovered in the repertoire of an ex-slave “Uncle Hayes” Chambers, born into a
slave family in the late 1880’s in North Carolina. Dying in 1962 he played the
tune on his harmonica well into his later life. Some versions of the song are
extremely confronting, addressing the problems of racism and KKK killings - the
watermelon referred to being a metaphor for lynched negroes, and the vine
meaning the nooses with which they were lynched.
[24] Milligan had begun the tradition of
using bagpipes under Scottish characters in “The Treasure in the Lake.” (24/6th)
[25] It is
noticeable that Milligan’s
beleaguered assistants in the GRAMS department were gradually coming up with
more and more complex and daring experiments in sound. This ‘gram’ contains
twelve separate sound samples, all spliced together with split second timing.
More than that, the whole effect is not of randomness but of a coherent whole –
something really not very easy to achieve. The BBC Radiophonic workshop was
created over a year later in 1958.
[26] Milligan loved mispronunciation
jokes. If you listen carefully you can hear him cracking up in the background.
[27] As noted earlier in this series,
Milligan was very prone to play higher ranking officers with a slightly
breathy, incomprehensible drawl. I am sure he modelled this voice on someone he
knew during the war.