THE
AFRICA SHIP CANAL
(THE
GREAT TRANS-AFRICA CANAL
GOON SHOW: TLO 24413
7TH
SERIES: No 22
RECORDED: 7 Mar 1957 [1]
Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC.
We commence with a flourishing chorus of 'The Gallant Hussar' by Fotheringay's
Singing Midgets.
GRAMS: Speeded
up recording of “Take Her to
GREENSLADE: And here is the
midget composer, Harry 'Nuts' Secombe.
SECOMBE: Hallo folks!
Ha-allo folks! Now
let me inform you Wallace that no midget composer am
GREENSLADE: How terribly,
terribly.
SECOMBE: Yes yus yes yous
yes yahs. My first big tunnel I built in nineteen thirty-one.
GREENSLADE: Oh yes, I
remember now – six other convicts escaped with you.
SECOMBE: What what what
what what what what! All lies I tell you. We were just dressed as convicts – it
was carnival night. That's how we slipped away unnoticed. All lies I tell you!
All lies! (Goes off raving.) I
wasn’t there at the time because… &c
NARRATOR:[3] Yes, this is a
story of how an escaped convict became a great engineer and vice-a-versa.
SECOMBE: What? It's true!
NARRATOR: I will. If you’ll
just stand naked upon the piano with your back to the audience you will hear
the story of “The Great Trans-Africa Canal.”
ORCHESTRA: Epic
introduction.
GREENSLADE: Scene one – that
well known variety theatre, the House of Commons.
GRAMS: (Lots
of reverb as if inside large empty chamber) Applause.
RECORDING – ELDER
STATESMAN: [4]
(Unintelligible speech.)
(Occasional
coughing from opposition benches. Continue under.)
SEAGOON: (Over) Hallo folks! On that fateful day
in Parliament two sinister figures were present.
GRYTPYPE: Hello folks – it was
us. We were camping in the lobby; an al fresco mode forced on us by the dreaded
Rent Act. I refer of course to the Rent Act of eighteen thirty-one which
introduced rent.[5]
MORIARTY: Hallo folks!
GRYTPYPE: (Violently) Shut up you la-grippe ridden
steaming French-nit!
MORIARTY: I only wanted to
go owww.
GRYTPYPE: You fool! Anyone
found going oww in the lobby can be charged with ‘felo de se.' [6]
GRAMS: Barking
sounds of performing seal. Continue under.[7]
GRYTPYPE: Don't forget,
when the Honourable Minister's finished this speech we put forward our plan.
MORIARTY: The plan! Ah,
what a plan that will be I tell you.
CRUN: (with echo) Yes Mister Minister…
BANNISTER: (with echo) Speak up.
CRUN: What, what?
BANNISTER: Speak up! Speak
up!... What about the suffragettes?
CRUN: [8]
With the closing of the canal our ships have been forced to travel around the
M.P. SPRIGGS: Oh! Just a minute
– couldn't they travel overland?
CRUN: Yes, well we’ve
tried that but it ruins the bottoms of the ships. Has the Hon. Min. any
suggestions?
PRIME MINISTER
ECCLES:
Me? No, no – you just carry on. You just forget I'm here. I've got other
things... (Raves)
CONSTABLE: Excuse me Mister
Minister.
PRIME MINISTER
ECCLES:
Yes my good man?
CONSTABLE: There's a blonde
suffragette chained to the railings outside number ten sir.[9]
PRIME MINISTER
ECCLES:
I know – I chained her there! Ha ha ha ha! Oh dear,
I'm no fool.
SEAGOON: Hallo folks. Ha-allo
folks! (Extended)
GRYTPYPE: The voice came
from a man in the distinguished visitors gallery, who lowered himself into the
chamber on a rope attached to a distinguished visitor.
SEAGOON: Ha-aaallo folks.
I've just come from
CHURCHILL: Down a rope?
SEAGOON: I always travel
by rope – it's cheaper! Ha-aallo folks.
M.P. SPRIGGS: Wait a minute. Will
the 'Ha-allo Folks' intruder kindly explain why he's disguised as Ferdinand de
Lesseps? [10] Ferdinand de Les-seeeeeeps! [11]
SEAGOON: Yeeeees! My other
suit's at the cleaners. (Ha-allo folks!) Gentlemen, you realise of course... (assumes Parliamentary voice) that due
to the canal closing British aeroplanes are forced to fly around the
CRUN: Fly over a canal?
What if they crash? They'll all drown!
SEAGOON: Don't worry
folks! (Hallo folks!) All aeroplanes will be fitted with the new wooden
lifeboats.
OPPOSITION LEADER:[12] Yes, but even
lifeboats can sink!
SEAGOON: They can't in
this canal – there's not going to be any water in it.
OPPOSITION LEADER: Ooohhooohh,
you're cleverer than I am you know. Come to think of it anybody's cleverer than
I am.
SEAGOON: Thank you. Hon.
Membs, you will have guessed of course from my ragged clothes that this canal
is going to cost you a lot of money.
CHANCELLOR OF
EXCHEQUER:
(Welsh)
[13]
Ooo! Ooooa! But you'll have to see the Chancellor of the Exchequer about that,
won't you?
SEAGOON: But you're the
Chancellor of the Exchequer!
CHANCELLOR OF
EXCHEQUER:
Oooh, am I? Lend us a couple of quid will you boy?
M.P. SPRIGGS: Gentlemen! Gentleme-eeen! Quiet please, gentlemen.
This idea of a dry canal for aeroplanes is brilliant. Brilliant I saaaaaaaay! I think Mister Seagoon-Ferdinand-de-Lesseps
mark two, should receive some kind of support, and wear it at all times.
SEAGOON:
Whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat! (Chicken
impression)
CHURCHILL: Well look here, what
would be the cost of this scrinston scrattons?
SEAGOON: I … would like to
say.
GRYTPYPE: Gentlemen – why
spend all this money, when for fourteen shillings the Moriarty horse drawn
zeppelin service will fly you round the
M.P. SPRIGGS: Honourable
members, I move that... I mooooooovvvvve –
I move that as it is customary in our beloved country
SEAGOON: Thank you folks!
Thank you – I'll start work right away. Hold my coat.
GRAMS: Pneumatic
drill.
MORIARTY: Curse, Grytpype –
he's got the contract!
GRYTPYPE: But not for long.
Get my lawyer Max Geldray on the blower.
MORIARTY: Right!
ORCHESTRA: Geldray’s
introduction.
GRYTPYPE: (Over) Shall we dance Moriarty?
MORIARTY: Ahh, the leaping
divine of a modern melody...
MAX GELDRAY – Once in Love with Amy. [14]
GREENSLADE: The well known
BLOODNOK: We move now to
ORCHESTRA: Jungle drums.
BLOODNOK: (Sings theme
over.) La da-da dum diddle de-dum da dah de doh-oh, ah diddle-iddle-iddle dum diddle dum! Oooh!
Well, that saved paying for an orchestration anyway. Oh I've had a hard day – I
thought she'd never go. Ellington, take my boots off will you – AND DON’T YOU
LET ME CATCH YOU WEARING THEM AGAIN! Oohh, gooo ging gong gueeeh!
FX: Rapid knocking on door.
BLOODNOK: Abdul, bring that
door in here for me to open will you?
FX: Door opens.
SEAGOON: Oh thank you. Hallo folks. Ha-allo folks! I'm Neddie Seagoon. You've heard of me –
Neddie Seagoon?
(Sings) “Be my love…”
“Falling
in love with Jim is falling for
“When
you come home again to
BLOODNOK: You'll get a
punch up the duster you will.
SEAGOON: Major, I've come
to inform you that we’re building a canal and I'm afraid it's going to cut
right through your house.
BLOODNOK: What! Well if you
think I'm going to run downstairs and open the door every time a ship wants to
come through, you're barmy.
SEAGOON: You don't have to
open the door – you can leave the key under the mat.
BLOODNOK: Over my dead
body!
SEAGOON: No – under the
mat. (Laughs) Ha ha ha ha ha! Under the mat... Ha ha ha ha
ha! A-hem...
BLOODNOK: Are you sure it
was a prison you escaped from?
SEAGOON: Lies, lies, all
lies – I'm perfectly sane I tell you! It's a lie. Never! All lies, lies, I tell
you! Nyuienyuienyuienyu!
BLOODNOK: Look here – I
tell you, I won't have aeroplanes flying through my house. Now get out!
FX: Door slams.
SEAGOON: Very well. If
that's the way you feel about it, goodbye.
FX: Door slams.
BLOODNOK: Never darken my
door again.
FX: Door slams.
SEAGOON: Since you insult
me, I shall leave. Goodbye.
FX: Door slams.
GREENSLADE: Listeners with a
degree in higher mathematics will have counted four doors slamming. This was in
fact an aural illusion.[16]
What you did hear was not four doors being slammed, but one door being slammed four
times. Or – in your parlance, one to the power of four. You see it is these
little snippets of information that makes me feel that my job is worthwhile. Thank
you.
SEAGOON: (Brummie) 'Ave you done?
GREENSLADE: Yes.
SEAGOON: Thank you.
GRAMS: (Under
dialogue) Earth moving equipment.
SEAGOON: So work began on
the
MORIARTY: Ahhh, I tell you
Grytpype, we've got to sabotage the canal with sabotage type sabotage.
GRYTPYPE: Don't worry Count
Jim – “The best laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley.”
MORIARTY: Aye mon, aye! Ah
– “Wee cowering, timorous beastie, oft gang agley”.[17]
GRYTPYPE: Do you like
Burns?
MORIARTY: Yes.
GRYTPYPE: Well hold this
white hot poker.
MORIARTY: (Screaming) Awwwwwwwww! Awwww! Oooh – you
fool.
GRYTPYPE: This is no time
for beauty, mark ye. Hold this leather piano in the key of C.
MORIARTY: What's the plan?
GRYTPYPE: We are going to
steal the
MORIARTY: Where are we
going to hide it?
GRYTPYPE: We are going to
bury it.
MORIARTY: It's dead?
GRYTPYPE: As good as,
Moriarty!
GRYTPYPE & MORIARTY: Becauuuuussseee –
GRAMS: RECORDING
- GRYTPYPE & MORIARTY: (singing in
unison – gradually speed it right up.)
'We're
riding along on the crest of a wave
and
the sun is in the sky,
all
our eyes…' (Speed up to infinity.) [18]
NARRATOR: And so they
headed for Seagoon, who was watching the canal being dug by forty thousand British
labourers.
FX: Feeble hammer blow on chisel.
WILLIUM: (Whistling)
SEAGOON: I say there –
foreman!
FX: Footsteps.
WILLIUM: 'Allo Mate.
SEAGOON: Why are you the
only one working?
WILLIUM: Well, all the men
are on strike mate![19]
SEAGOON: What for?
WILLIUM: We can't think of
anything yet... but er, we will – we'll think of somethink.
SEAGOON: What are they
doing here this morning?
WILLIUM: Er, they come
along for the tea-break.
SHOP STEWARD: (Unctuous) Yes, they’re out. We want our
old tea break there. All the lads have
there. What all the lads down there want is
fifteen pound a week there. Fifteen pound a week.[20]
WILLIUM: That was the head
striker, that was. He says what they stricked for is fifteen pound a week.
SEAGOON: Alright – I'll pay
them fifteen pound a week.
GRAMS: RECORDING
- OMNES: Hooray! (Singing) '
SEAGOON: What's up?
WILLIUM: They've gone on
strike again.
SEAGOON: Why?
WILLIUM: They want more
money, mate. And here's their spokesman Rage Nellontoungs to give the message
on the old bonjoes. Now let's get rap back round the old brandy there.
SEAGOON: Alright...
GRAMS: Boots
running away.
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET – Rap Your Troubles in Drums
[21]
GREENSLADE: Now the
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic
modern aeroplane link.
SEAGOON: To break the
strike, I had sent for two professional strike breakers who even now were on
their way from
GRAMS: Ocean
waves and seagulls. (Continue under.)
BLUEBOTTLE: Eccles, why did
they throw you out of being Prime Minister?[23]
ECCLES: Well, er… um,
anybody listening?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes – me.
ECCLES: Well then Bottle,
you remember that blonde suffragette chained to the railings outside number
ten?
BLUEBOTTLE: (Dirty minded) Yes, yes…
ECCLES: Well… well I
chained myself to her. (Laughs) Ha ha ha ha ho ho ho!
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, that was
naughty that was Eccles.
ECCLES: Oh yeah – was
that naughty?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes it was.
ECCLES: Owwowwwoowww.
BLUEBOTTLE: I never did that
when I was Prime Minister you know. Did you know what I did my good man?
ECCLES: What did you do
my fellow?
BLUEBOTTLE: Well den, when I
found the lady what was chained to the railings, in a flash I whipped out my
boy scout knife and in a flash I removed a stone from her hoof.
ORCHESTRA: Corny
chord in C.
SEAGOON: Alright you two.
That's your bit done; that's over now. Now – welcome to
BLUEBOTTLE: Hello Captain. We
have broughtèd from
ECCLES: Machine?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes. It's inside
this parcel.
SEAGOON: Inside the
parcel? What a neat idea.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes it is a neat
idea! Yes.
FX: Rustling paper
BLUEBOTTLE: Save the brown
paper Eccles – I need a new suit.
ECCLES: Ooh.
BLUEBOTTLE: Now Captain, let
us demonstrate this machine. Do you know that that it can pick up four tons of
earth in three seconds?
SEAGOON: Hallo folks.
BLUEBOTTLE: I will time it
with my watch.
GRAMS: Extraordinary
machine in operation. Gears grinding, conveyor belts rotating, cogs rattling.
Punctuating everything a cuckoo clock and a duck whistle. Increase the speed gradually
then suddenly wind down everything at the end. End with a couple of ‘pops’, a ‘bang’ and a penny falling onto a hard
surface.
SEAGOON: That was a noisy
machine.
BLUEBOTTLE: Machine? That was
my watch! Captain, this machine can do the work of two men.
SEAGOON: Well let's see
it.
BLUEBOTTLE: Alright, but
you'll have to help us, ‘cause it takes three men to work it.
SEAGOON: Right! Eccles and
Bluebottle, you three get it going.
BLUEBOTTLE: 'Ere – wait a
minute Captain. Eccles and me only make two.
SEAGOON: Nonsense. (Parade ground voice.) Fall in! From the
left… number!
ECCLES: One.
BLUEBOTTLE: Two.
SEAGOON: Two and One
equals...?
ECCLES: Three.
SEAGOON: Right – off you
go, and get cracking! Now, the next problem is this fellow Bloodnok.
GRAMS: Whoosh.
GRYTPYPE: Neddie?
SEAGOON: Grytpype – you!
GRAMS: Running
footsteps extremely fast. Crescendo – stop suddenly.
SEAGOON: What's this?
GRYTPYPE: My legs – I thought
they'd never get here.
MORIARTY: I'm sorry
Grytpype. It was my fault – I let them out for a run in the park.
GRYTPYPE: You sentimental
steaming Latin you. Never let my legs out un-chaperoned again, d’you hear? The
world must never know those thin measurements.
SEAGOON: Gentlemen, I see
from the next line that you can help me with this Bloodnok problem.
GRYTPYPE: Neddie, you see
this piece of knotted string leading from Moriarty's wrist up into that cloud?
SEAGOON: You mean... you
mean there's... there's something on the other end of it?
GRYTPYPE: Yes Neddie, it's
the perfect device for removing Bloodnok's house. Id est [25]
– Count Moriarty's hand-sewn blue-serge Zeppelin.[26]
MORIARTY: Yes Neddie, we
can lower our sky hooks and lift Bloodnok's house out of the way in a second.[27]
GRYTPYPE: Now Neddie, go in
and tell Bloodnok that in fifteen minutes his house becomes sky borne.
SEAGOON: Right!
FX: Door opens and closes.
GRYTPYPE: (Calling) Right up there?… Easy! Attach
skyhooks and haul away.
GRAMS: Powerful
crane cranking up a heavy object.
MORIARTY: Up he goes! We’ve
got him…
BLOODNOK: Ooooaarggghhh! Call
a doctor!
MORIARTY: Major Bloodnok!
Qui-es-quer-ce-ces-say-sain, c’est in French.
BLOODNOK: I stepped out of
the back of my house, walked down to the bottom of the garden – pleasure bent.
Finally I turned around and to my building society's horror my house had
vanished.[28]
There was nothing there!
MORIARTY: Nothing there?
You must have been seeing things.
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty – never
mind that man of no fixed abode. I've got great news! I've bribed the workmen
to fill in the canal.
FX: Telephone rings. Receiver picked up.
MORIARTY: Splendid. Answer that door.
GRYTPYPE: (On telephone) Hello? Yes?
SEAGOON: (On other end of phone) Hello Grytpype?
I'm speaking from Bloodnok's house, and he's not here.
GRYTPYPE: Neddie, don't
wait any longer – you come out lad.
SEAGOON: Right.
FX: Telephone into cradle.
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty, quick!
Put that fire bucket over there…
MORIARTY: (Off mic) Right! How's that?
GRYTPYPE: … a little bit
more to the right. That's it.
MORIARTY: Right.
SEAGOON: (Screams in distance. Gradually comes
closer) YA-AAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
GRAMS: Water
splash.
LITTLE JIM: He's fallen in
the water.
GRYTPYPE: Thank you Little
Jim for telling us where he is.
SEAGOON: Thank heaven for
that water - it broke my fall and my neck. But wait – the canal, where is it?
GRYTPYPE: It's gone Neddie,
and the Moriarty Zeppelin Service is back in operation.
SEAGOON: You devils of
green!
GRYTPYPE: Now Neddie –
we're still good friends aren't we?
SEAGOON: Why?
GRYTPYPE &
MORIARTY:
Because... (cheesy saxophone intro.)
CAST: (Singing)
“We're arm in arm together just like we used to be,
arm in
arm together in perfect harmony….”
GREENSLADE: The cast, with no
strong finish to the show, now go into a cowardly song and dance routine.
HERN: And so as the
Goon Show sinks slowly in the popularity polls, and the audience move
menacingly towards the stage, we say goodnight from happy...
GRAMS: Jelly
splosh.
ORCHESTRA: End
theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon
Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike
Milligan. With the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra
conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens,
announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Pat Dixon.[29]
ORCHESTRA: Playout.
YTI 