DRUMS
ALONG THE MERSEY
GOON SHOW TLO 987787TH SERIES: NO 2
1ST BROADCAST: 11 Oct 1956 [1]
Script by Spike
Milligan
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Light Programme.
SECOMBE: (Raspberry)
GREENSLADE: There will now be thirty minutes of, including several and also
one or two. And now the voice of –
SECOMBE: (Sings top C)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
GREENSLADE: That was the world’s highest paid idiot – Mister Seagoon. One of
the World’s leading, also one of the World’s biggest.
SECOMBE: Mister Greenslade, deflate that pneumatic statue of Marilyn
Monroe, and read the inscription on the head of this pin.[2]
GREENSLADE: Erm, “The... Goon... Sh – show”.
SECOMBE: Well said! Well said Wal! Hooray for the Goon Show. Hooray! Hooray!
Hooray!
GREENSLADE: Oh, stop that noise you little greasy Welsh bubble.
SECOMBE: What what what what what what what what!? Just for that, read
this piece of paper.
GREENSLADE: (Reading) You are... (Horrified) FIRED?
SECOMBE: Yes, fired! And here’s a week…
GRAMS: Cash register opening.
SECOMBE: …in lieu of.
GREENSLADE: Preposterous! Absolutely preposterous. You know very well my weekly
in-lieu-of is always…
GRAMS: Cash register opening, a duck call, a cork popping and a bed spring.
(Play in quick succession.)
SECOMBE: Agreed, but first kindly diagnose this week’s portion of Spike
Milligan’s head.[3]
GREENSLADE: Right... forceps.
SECOMBE: Five-ceps, big nut.
GREENSLADE: Ahem – just as I thought. Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting “Drums
Along the Mersey”.
GRAMS: Tribal drumming. Fade under.
SEAGOON: My name is the Honourable Nedward Seagoon, undefended world champion
nineteen-oh-six,[4]
and scion of the noble house of Rowton.[5]
Any questions? No? Right – “Drums Along the Mersey” part two.
GRAMS: Lengthy, massed snoring.
SEAGOON: As I lay on the floor of the bridal suite, I was aroused from my
slumbers by a loud gesture.
GRAMS: Enormous raspberry.[6]
SEAGOON: Major Bloodnok, the windows are closed.
BLOODNOK: I know – it’s hell in here lad. I can’t sleep… just reading my
bedding. Look at this in the personal column.
SEAGOON: Let me see…
FX: Newspaper rustling
SEAGOON: (Reading) ‘If Nedward
Seagoon, last heard of in a drunken stupor off the coast of Ireland, will contact
Messrs McHairy McLegs, Scotland, he will inherit a million pounds’. A million
pounds! I’m off.
GRAMS: Boots running off into the distance.
BLOODNOK: No! No! No! Wait, Seagoon. A million pounds? Ohh. Ohhhhh!
GRAMS: Another set of boots running off into the distance.
GRAMS: Snoring.
GRYTPYPE: Did you hear all that, Moriarty?
MORIARTY: Owww... Ow, the power of money. Owww – the money! Owww – a
million pounds. Owwwhh... o wwwhh!
GRYTPYPE: One of our inmates is heir to a million pounds.
MORIARTY: Owwwh! A million pounds. Oww, oww! Money, money! Owwowowow!
Ooooh!
GRYTPYPE: Right. Now get up you steaming international opportunist [7]–
oil yourself, and pack the jam tins.[8]
We’re leaving at once for the Scotlands! [9]
GRAMS: Scottish marching band. Gradually speed up and fade out.
GREENSLADE: Well, I’m very happy to see you in Scotland.
BLOODNOK: Yes, yes.
GREENSLADE: Ah yes. So you are Neddie Seagoon.
BLOODNOK: Ah, yes I am. Yes. Now what about that million pounds? I er... I
don’t want it all at once. Twelve shilling will see me alright for the week. I’m
used to money you know.
GREENSLADE: Well, you’ll have to wait till we read the will.
BLOODNOK: Yes, the will. Well read it – read it. You don’t doubt that I’m Neddie
Seagoon do you? I don’t care what the milkman says. I tell you I AM Neddie Seagoon!
FX:
Door opens
McSPRIGGS:[10] Sir,
there’s a Mister Seagoon outside for ye.
BLOODNOK: Ooohhhhh
FX:
Body thuds to floor.
GREENSLADE: He’s fainted downwards. Send in the gentleman.
FX:
Door opens.
GRYTPYPE: Ah, good morning.
MORIARTY: Ah, good morning. Och aye mon!
GRYTPYPE: We are Neddie Seagoon.
GREENSLADE: Both of you?
GRYTPYPE: Yes, both of us. You see, Neddie Seagoon was twins.
GREENSLADE: He’s bigger than I thought.
FX:
Door opens.
McSPRIGGS: Pardon, there’s a Mister Seagoon outside for you.
GRYTPYPE: (Panicking) Run for it
Moriarty!
GRAMS: Two sets of boots running away at speed.
FX:
Pane of glass smashing.
GREENSLADE: Next please
SEAGOON: (Out of breath.) Ah,
thanks. I am Neddie Seagoon.
GREENSLADE: Yes, but the gentleman feigning a swoon on the floor said he
was Neddie Seagoon.
BLOODNOK: It’s a lie Neddie! It’s a lie! I was only saying I was Neddie
Seagoon till you got here… (You don’t want your shoes cleaned do you?) … then I
was going to let YOU say it.
GREENSLADE: Well now, this new gentleman fits the horrifying description
given in these documents.
SEAGOON: Eh? What! What! What! What! What! What! What! (Chicken noises.)
GREENSLADE: All right, so now if you’ll put on these baggy bladder kilts, my
partner – Mister McRed Hairy McLegs here will read Baron Seagoon’s will.
GRAMS: Recording of bagpipes and drums. Fade and hold under.
McLEGS:[11] McHearnick
huernen nichter hourn neem hornen nearer hor. Horrrrn nicky nacky, horrrn
toulayum &c
SEAGOON: The will! The will!
McLEGS: Aye! Aye! “I Baron Seagoon, being of partially sound mind, leave
Neddie Seagoon one million poounds...”
SEAGOON: I’m rich – I can buy a wig!
McLEGS: Aye. But you’re no allowed to spend the million till your hundr’dth
birthday.
SEAGOON: (In shock) Arrggh! I
can’t spend it till I’m a hundred?
BLOODNOK: Take it lad. We’ll sell it.
SEAGOON: Yes yes! I’ll sell it. Part Three, an auction sale.
OMNES: (Murmurings)
FX: Gavel
on bench.
SEAGOON: Gentlemen, the last item in our auction today is the valuable,
attractive million pounds. What am I bid for one million pounds?
FX:
Silence.
SEAGOON: What? What? What? What? What? It’s worth twice that – it’s not
enough! Wait a minute, we’ll auction Max Geldray.
MAX
GELDRAY: “Mountain Greenery” [12]
GRAMS: Distant native drums.
GREENSLADE: “Drums Along the Mersey”, part three the third. (Dramatically overacting.) Poor Neddie Seagoon!
With a million pounds which he couldn’t auction, and couldn’t spend till his
hundredth birthday.
SEAGOON: Well done Wal!
CAST: Scattered applause and cries of ‘Bravo!’
SEAGOON: Then a stroke of luck. I was called to the British Museum.
BANNISTER: Oh, we sent for you Mr. Seagoon. Ohh dear, dear! Ohh dear, dear!
We’ve got a proposition to put to you buddy. (Sings) Yim bum biddildy doh! Yim bum biddle doh! Oh, I love that
rocking roll buddy. Ah yes, I remember now… We’d like to hire your million
pounds for our display of unique exhibits.[13]
SEAGOON: Well I um…
BANNISTER: It would be placed in a position of honour buddy, next to this ancient
Peruvian calendar stone.
SEAGOON: Calendar?[14]
BANNISTER: You’ve heard of them of course. They’re different from ours. For
instance Jim – where were you born?
SEAGOON: Nineteen twenty one.
BANNISTER: That’s a nice place to be born. Now if you were a Peruvian,
you’d be er… you’d be a hundred years old now.
SEAGOON: A hundred years old? Did you hear that Bloodnok? The million is
mine if I become a Peruvian!
BLOODNOK: Quick! To Peruvia!
GRAMS: Car driving off at speed. Short silence. Heavy splash.
SEAGOON: From there on we took a boat. Then – disaster!
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic chord.
GRAMS: Fade in sound of waves.
BLOODNOK: (Exhausted) In, out… Out,
in… Ohh, ohh!
Cast
adrift in a open boat,
with
only the sea to keep us afloat.
SEAGOON: You’re the cause of all
the strife,
getting
caught with the captain’s wife!
BLOODNOK: It’s a lie Mr Fry, we were just good friends!
SEAGOON: Good friends? It’s a wonder both of you didn’t catch your death
of cold.
BLOODNOK: I know – I know! I behaved like an absolute bounder and a cad. It’s
the only way you can enjoy yourself these days.
MORIARTY: (Distant) Awwww yaahee
awww! Ahoyeee!
SEAGOON: Bloodnok, look! We’re saved. Saved! Look what’s bearing down on
us.
BLOODNOK: Yes – two men in lifebelts!
MORIARTY: Ahhoyeee!
GRYTPYPE: (Approaching) Hello-o Neddie.
SEAGOON: I seem to recognize that tone of face.
GRYTPYPE: Neddie, we bring good tidings. May we come in?
SEAGOON: Of course, but wipe your feet – I’ve just done the step.
GRYTPYPE: Neddie, we have just discovered (through the courtesy of Mr.
Bentine,)[15]
that you are a Peruvian.
SEAGOON: What? (Sudden thick Welsh
accent.) But mother said I was born in South Wales.
GRYTPYPE: Of course, didn’t you know that Cardiff originally came from
Peru on a raft?
SEAGOON: (Suburban Cardiff.)
This is wonderful man. But how can I prove that all Welsh people come from
Peru?
GRYTPYPE: Really, it’s quite simple. You sail from South America to
Cardiff on this cardboard raft…
SEAGOON: Aye?
GRYTPYPE: …and the million pounds is yours to spend right away. Moriarty!
MORIARTY: Ohh yes! Yes indeed little Welsh blubber! You try this ‘Kon Tiki’
[16]
type craft at once.
GRAMS: Heavy object falling into water.
MORIARTY: Huh! There!
SEAGOON: Gad! It fits the ocean perfectly.
MORIARTY: I know! It was specially tailored for the Atlantic.[17]
Look at all these holes we’ve made, you can’t get them like that these days.
GRYTPYPE: And all we’re asking is three and six.
SEAGOON: It’s a deal! No – no, wait! Urm… I haven’t got any money.
MORIARTY: Owwwww! What about the million pounds?
SEAGOON: Well, I can’t spend it.
GRYTPYPE: You can pawn it!
SEAGOON: Where?
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty, inflate the rubber pawn shop.
GRAMS: Bicycle pump. Speed it up.
MORIARTY: Hup, voila! Step inside little Neddie.
FX:
Door opens. Shop bell rings.
CRUN: Good morning sir. Nice day for a pawn.
SEAGOON: This million pounds - how much will you allow me on it?
CRUN: English money eh? Ah, we don’t usually lend money on antiques.
SEAGOON: Antiques? These pounds are right up to date! Why, only the other
day an American offered me a shilling for one of them.
CRUN: Ohh! That’s different if the Herns like them.[18]
I can let you have, er… seven shillings.
SEAGOON: Here Moriarty, seven shillings. The raft is mine. Cast off!
GRAMS: Waves, oars in oarlocks. Continue
under.
[RECORDING – slightly
speeded up. SEAGOON: (Singing)
Maybe it’s because I’m
Peruvian,
that I love
Inca so.
Maybe
it’s because I’m Peruvian
that I
love Bentine and all…
Ying
tong idle i po!] [19]
GRYTPYPE: There he goes with his specially tempered map and compass. Bon
voyage little Welshman – goodbye!
ORCHESTRA: Nautical link.
GRAMS: Seagulls, waves. Fade under.
GREENSLADE: On February, Seagoon’s attempt to prove the Peruvians were Welsh
began.
BLOODNOK: Yes, we left the coast of Peru, and using Moriarty’s special map
and tempered compass carried the raft inland.
GRAMS: Jungle insects. Distant native drums.
SEAGOON: (Gasping)Huh. Huh. Huh! Pant! Huh…
BLOODNOK: Look here Seagoon, you can carry it awhile. I think I’ll get up
in the crows nest.
SEAGOON: I can’t understand it - a hundred miles inland and no sign of
Wales!
BLOODNOK: Don’t worry. I’ve got my big naval harpoon ready.
SEAGOON: Major Bloodnok! I’m not looking for whales the fish – I’m
looking for Wales the land. Wait a minute! This compass... What’s the time by
your watch?
BLOODNOK: Erm... East nor-nor east.
SEAGOON: Just as I thought – this compass is slow. It says twenty past
two!
BLOODNOK: Great brown nutted nurglars! Those villains – they’ve switched
the compass for a wristwatch.
SEAGOON: Gad! And not being men of the sea, we don’t know which is which.
BLOODNOK: Well, now here’s a pretty kettle of fish!
SEAGOON: So it is! A damn silly place to leave it.
BLOODNOK: Yes. Well we can’t stand here all day making these wonderful
jokes.
SEAGOON: You’re right. FORWARD!
GRAMS: Two heavy splashes.
SEAGOON: Stop! Stop!
BLOODNOK: What?
SEAGOON: I think we’re near a river.
BLOODNOK: Nonsense. No river could survive with me in it. I’ve been banned
by the LCC public baths anti-pollution committee.[20]
SEAGOON: I know. Let’s get out of the water and see if our drawers
cellular are wet.[21]
BLOODNOK: Right
GRAMS: Emerging splashes.
SEAGOON: They are wet! So it is a river.
BLOODNOK: What! Then I’ll soon tell you it’s name. Give me that mug.
GRAMS: Metallic rattling – splashes –
more metallic rattles.
BLOODNOK: (Drinking – swallowing.)
It’s the Amazon.
SEAGOON: How do you know?
BLOODNOK: It says so on the map here.
SEAGOON: A river on a map? We can’t leave it there. Help me get it back
into the water. One, two, hup!
GRAMS: Giant splash.
BLOODNOK: Good shot sir, right between the banks.
SEAGOON: How painful. Wait! What fools we are.
BLOODNOK: What?
SEAGOON: How are we going to get the raft across? The river’s full of
water!
BLOODNOK: Well it’s quite simple - build a bridge and carry it across. How
else?
CHIEF ELLINGA: Yim bum bulla boo! Liberace too!
BLOODNOK: I don’t know who he is, but he’s got the right idea.
SEAGOON: It’s a native drummer and his quartet, about to play their
latest recording. Hup!
RAY
ELLINGTON: “Giddy up. Giddy up a ding dong.”[22]
SEAGOON: Stop that anti Seagoon applause! And you sir – how dare you sing
in the middle of the steaming jungle without dressing for steaming dinner!
CHIEF ELLINGA: Me toolah yukkaboola!
BLOODNOK: Not in these trousers you won’t.
CHIEF ELLINGA: Come white man, you follow me. Me keep missionary burning in the
window for you.
ORCHESTRA: Jungle safari link.
GRAMS: Distant native drumming.
SEAGOON: (Heat exhaustion.) With
the aid of a rough jungle bier, I was carried inland.
BLOODNOK: I had a rough jungle brandy and followed much later.
GRAMS: Jungle noises. Fade under.
SEAGOON: How much further chief?
CHIEF ELLINGA: Only two miles – or with your legs, twenty.
SEAGOON: Ducks disease – the curse of the Seagoons![23]
BLOODNOK: Never mind lad, you’re still clearing the ground behind. I say
though, it’s a good job you haven’t got the curse if the Bloodnoks.
SEAGOON: Tell me Dennis – what is the curse of the Bloodnoks?
BLOODNOK: Me! You see I’m the black sheep of the family.
CHIEF ELLINGA: Don’t worry. Me also black sheep of the family.
BLOODNOK: Yes, I sup... (Takes a
second look) Oh yes! [24]
SEAGOON: Stop! Look!
BLOODNOK: What?
SEAGOON: A native village! Then this must be “Drums Along the Mersey”
part three.
GRAMS: Tribal drumming up close. Fade and hold under.
SEAGOON: We were led to a rude wooden hut…
BLOODNOK: Inside was a rude wooden bed…
SEAGOON: On it lay a rude wooden man…
BARON SEAGOON:[25] (Approaching) And a rude wooden welcome
to Peru, Neddie.
SEAGOON: Good heavens! Its rude wooden Baron Seagoon – the man who left
me a million pounds in his rude will.
BLOODNOK: Then it is true, he’s rudely dead.
BARON SEAGOON: That was mere rude idle gossip. I just overslept one morning.
Now Neddie, hand over the million pounds – it’s not yours till I die.
SEAGOON: I, er... I haven’t got it.
BARON SEAGOON: Quit stalling! I planned this plan to get my million
pounds out of England.
SEAGOON: So this is all a trick! Well it’s misfired. I was forced to pawn
the money with Grytpype-Thynne.
BARON SEAGOON: Him?! But this was his idea. The double crosser. Where is he?
SEAGOON: In a pawn shop in the Atlantic.
BARON SEAGOON: Then we’ve got him cornered! Show me the way and I’ll give you
half the million.
BLOODNOK: Which half?
BARON SEAGOON: The other half.
BLOODNOK: Which half are you having?
BARON SEAGOON: The other OTHER half.
BLOODNOK: I say, you’re cutting it fine aren’t you?
SEAGOON: Shut up!
BLOODNOK: Shut up! (Extended)[26]
SEAGOON: We accept! But we warn you Baron – if you try anything funny,
you won’t get a laugh from us.
BARON SEAGOON: Right! Give me the pawn ticket. Follow me!
GRAMS: Heavy splash.
SEAGOON: Into the Atlantic we plunged. I swam strongly – my duck’s
disease was now being a boon.
BLOODNOK: We swam steadily for a week, then another week – in that order.
GRAMS: Sounds of paddling.
SEAGOON: I think… This is the spot
BARON SEAGOON: Are you sure?
SEAGOON: Positive, I recognize the ocean
BARON SEAGOON: Well, the pawn shop’s not here.
SEAGOON: Perhaps it moved.
BARON SEAGOON: Moved… What a cunning method of concealment. AFTER THEM!
GRAMS: Horses hooves galloping away.
GREENSLADE: Weary of swimming, our heroes re-mounted, and headed for the
Savoy Hotel, Frith Street. [27]
FX:
Scrabbling for coins.
MORIARTY: Oh, lovely moolah! Oh the power of money. Let’s count it again,
buddy. A million pounds and all in money. Ohh, buddy. Ohhh!
GRYTPYPE: Oh what luxury Moriarty. Let’s face it - we’ve never had it so
good. Moriarty, say something for me.
MORIARTY: Diana Dors![28]
GRYTPYPE & MORIARTY: (Moaning) Arrgghhhh
MORIARTY: With hinges…
GRYTPYPE & MORIARTY:
Ohhh... ohhh! [29]
FX:
Snappy knock on door.
GRYTPYPE: Say come in for me Moriarty.
MORIARTY: Come in for me Moriarty.
FX:
Door opens.
GREENSLADE: (French) Gentlemen, I
am ze manager. Is everything to your liking?
GRYTPYPE: Everything except your impression of a Frenchman.
GREENSLADE: Murki mon armee. Was your breakfast satisfactory this evening?
GRYTPYPE: The fish had a bone in it.
GREENSLADE: I’ll have it dismissed at once. Poisson - you are fired!
FISH:[30]
Ooh!
GRAMS: Splash.
GREENSLADE: Er…by the way sir, there are three gentlemen on horseback
swimming up the stairs to see you.
GRYTPYPE: Oh. Well, lay out my horsehair bathing costume and rubber toga,
and ask them to come in would you?
FX:
Door opens.
BARON SEAGOON: Hands up – all of you!
SEAGOON: Wait a minute[31]
– we’re on your side!
BARON SEAGOON: Not any more Neddie! I want my million pounds.
GRYTPYPE: It’s the Baron! what are you doing out of the jungle? You’ll
catch your death of cold.
BARON SEAGOON: I want that million pounds and I want it fast. I’m going to sing
the whole of act three from Tosca, and if you haven’t handed it over by then –
I shall sing act four!!!
GRYTPYPE: You vocal devil incarnate!
SEAGOON: But there isn’t any act four in Tosca.
BARON SEAGOON: Then you’ve less time than you think!
(Sings) Ying tong iddle I po
oohhhh,
la de
daa, la da da deeeee (Screams) [32]
GREENSLADE: (Over singing)
Gentlemen please! Oh please, gentlemen!
BARON SEAGOON: (Singing)
La dee dee dahy
Ying tong iddle I po...
brown power! (Extended)
GREENSLADE: Gentlemen please! There is a charge of six pounds for singing
and fighting in the Royal suite.[33]
BARON SEAGOON: That’s what I’m afraid of. It’s a pleasure. Here!
FX:
Money in till.
GREENSLADE: Ta. WAIT – this money is a forgery!
GRYTPYPE: What? Moriarty, that six pounds came from the million! That
means the whole lot is a forgery!
MORIARTY: Owwww. Awwhhhh!
BARON SEAGOON: Come on – hand it over, but keep both hands raised in the air. Now,
anybody got a ladder? No? Well…
GREENSLADE: I’m going to call the police. (Shouts) POLICE!!
ECCLES: Hello my good man. What’s going on ‘ere?
GREENSLADE: Are you a policeman?
ECCLES: Yep. Want to know the time?
SEAGOON: Just a minute…
ECCLES: That’s right, it’s just a minute past. That’s right. Well,
goodbye. Have a good time. How’s yer old dad? Everything’s fine… (Sings) ‘Aye, my love... ‘ [34]
GRYTPYPE: Just a moment officer, that rhythm Baron is in possession of
forged money.
ECCLES: I arrest you in the name of the loo!
BARON SEAGOON: No! no! no! It’s not mine. It belongs to Neddie! I left it him
in my will.
SEAGOON: But it’s not mine until you’re dead.
BARON SEAGOON: Well, you’ll soon have it. Goodbye!
FX:
Pistol shot. Body falls to floor.
GRYTPYPE: There now – it’s all yours Neddie. Officer, arrest that forger.
SEAGOON: You can’t arrest me! I’m a Peruvian – ha ha ha ha!
ECCLES: A Peruvian forger? You’ll get life for this Neddie.
ORCHESTRA: End theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show – a BBC recorded program featuring Peter
Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan, Valentine Dyall, with The Ray Ellington
Quartet and Max Geldray. The Orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by
Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the program produced by Peter
Eton.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.
GREENSLADE: Here is an announcement for listeners still wondering why this
program was called ‘Drums Along the Mersey’. While the program was being
broadcast, there were in fact several drums beating along the Mersey. Those
with their windows open may have heard them.
BLUEBOTTLE: (Distant) I say – why
wasn’t I in this week?
ORCHESTRA: Playout.
YTI 