THE SHIFTING SANDS
OF
GOON SHOW: TLO 21509
7TH SERIES: No 17
BROADCAST: 24 Jan 1957 [1]
By
Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC light programme.
SELLERS: (American-style game-show host) …is the
correct answer! And you win the spon prize of a pair of revolving cardboard
socks!
SEAGOON: Mr
Sellers, kindly remove that Hughie Green disguise[2]
and give a rapid impression of the oozalum bird.
GRAMS: Whoooosh.[3]
SELLERS: Oh!
SEAGOON: “Gone,
and never called me ‘mother’.” [4]
“Dirty British coaster with a salt caked smoke stack…”[5]
BLOODNOK: You
filthy swine!
SEAGOON: As I
was saying;
“Dirty British coaster with a salt caked smoke stack,
butting through the channel in the mad march days.”
GREENSLADE: Isn’t that by the poet laureate?
SEAGOON:
Nonsense. It’s by Masefield – Jim Masefield.
BLOODNOK: I know
another one of his by Kipling. (sings)
“On
the road to
Where the flying fishes play
and the dawn comes up like thunder…”[6]
MILLIGAN: (sings)… “out of
FX: Gunshot
BLOODNOK: Got
him! I couldn’t resist him, he was so beautifully marked!
SEAGOON:
Naturally – he was just back from the laundry.
BLOODNOK: Oh ho
ho! So gather round me lads while I recount it.
OMNES: Soldier-like grumblings.
BLOODNOK: “There’s a little green-eyed idol to the north of
but the wind blew up the
chimney just the same.
And when it came to water,
we……”[7]
ORCHESTRA: Military
link.
GRAMS: Fade
in sounds of marching.
GREENSLADE: The tale Bloodnok told was of
SEAGOON: Yes. I
was fresh out of
WILLIUM: I see
you worked your way up from the bottom sir. Congratulations on you becoming a
second Lieutenant.
SEAGOON: Yes! To
think just a month ago I was only a Brigadier. Now let me view myself in the
‘commissioned ranks only’ mirror.
GRAMS: Glass
smashing.
WILLIUM: Oh!
It’s never done that before sir.
SEAGOON: Well,
I’ll make damned sure it doesn’t do it again. Take it out and shoot it! (Swaggers)
Ha ha ha ha ha, e-gad! Yuech yuech yuech yuech! How I look
forward to a day on the battlefield!
SPONLEY:[9]
(approaching) I say! Seagers old
chap!
SEAGOON: Why, it’s
Nigel Sponley the third long things.
SPONLEY: Yes. Grand
news!
SEAGOON: What Nigel?
SPONLEY: The regiment
is sailing tonight for active service.
SEAGOON: Active service!
Does that mean fighting?
SPONLEY: Uggh! Yes!
SEAGOON: (Faking pain.) Oh my leg! – My leg… it’s
gone!
SPONLEY: Quick – after
it!
SEAGOON: In a few
bounds Nigel Sponley had the leg trapped by the throat and returned it to me.
But it was a close thing.
SPONLEY: Damn close!
WILLIUM: Pardon me
Lieutenant son...er...sir, the C-O.[10]
wants to see you in his dressing gown.
SEAGOON: Right! I’ll change at once.
ORCHESTRA: Further
military link.
FADE
OVER:
Milligan doing idiot Sergeant Major in
the distance
FX: Door opens then slams shut.
SEAGOON: Seagoon
reporting, sir!
C.
O:
Come in.
FX: Door opens then slams.
SEAGOON: Thank you.
C.
O:
What’s your phone number?
SEAGOON: Spon,
three-four-nine sir.
FX: Dialing
C.
O:
Spon, three-four-nine.
FX: Phone rings.
C.
O:
Answer that, Seagoon.
FX: Phone lifts.
SEAGOON: Hello.
Seagoon here.
C.
O:
Seagoon, come over to my office right away.
SEAGOON: Right sir.
FX: Phone down.
FX: Knock on door. (Brisk)
C.
O:
Come in!
FX: Door opens then shuts.
SEAGOON: Seagoon
reporting, sir.
C.
O:
You’re a devilishly difficult chap to get hold of.
SEAGOON: Yes sir – I
always grease myself as a precaution.
C.
O:
(Laughter)
SEAGOON: (Joining in) Ha ha ha!
C.
O:
A jolly good one that is. By jove! Ah ah ah – oh dear![11]
Seagoon – this is Commander Greenslade, R.N.
SEAGOON: How-do-you-do.
GREENSLADE: Seagoon, I
have here the editor of the NAAFI quarterly.
GRYTPYPE-Thynne:
How-do-you-do. Gentlemen I have here in this cardboard suitcase Count Jim
’Thighs’ Moriarty, confidential bus-conductor to the President of France and
war correspondent of ‘Health and Sun'.[12]
FX: Suitcase catch opens.
MORIARTY: How-do-you-do
gentlemen. I have news – an outpost of the
SEAGOON: Tell us
something new mate.
MORIARTY: What!
GRYTPYPE: Lieutenant
Seagoon, we have it on good authority from our milkman that the besieged
garrison at
SEAGOON: You mean our
troops don’t know what side they’re on?
C.
O:
They know which side they’re on but they can’t prove it.
SEAGOON: Gad – it
must be hell out there.
C.
O:
It is. Now then, what we’ve got to do…
ECCLES: Here, here,
here! What’s going on here?
SEAGOON: Nothing.
ECCLES: Oh, I’ll
clear off then.
C.
O:
Sea-june, we want you to take the plans of a union jack to
SEAGOON: The plans?
C.
O:
Yes. You must realise Seagoon that all union jacks are made from an original
set of rare plans left behind by King Arthur in an early British waiting room,
circa BC.
SEAGOON: You mean – and
I say this on behalf of the bewildered listeners, that without those plans
C.
O:
Exactly.
SEAGOON: (Choking back tears) I say…
GREENSLADE: (Emotional) Easy old man.
C.
O:
(Tense) Steady Commander.
SEAGOON: I’ll be
alright… What was that all about then?
C.
O:
Seagoon, don’t spoil everything so. Without these carefully rehearsed moments
of dramatic tension, where would the empire be today, sir?
SEAGOON: Where it’s
always been – in
ORCHESTRA: Tatty
chord in C with cymbal snap.
SEAGOON: So gentlemen
this is where the story really starts, and here to hold it up is Max Geldray.
Alright lads! Round the back for the old brandy there!
GRAMS: Boots
running away.
MAX GELDRAY “Isn’t This a
Lovely Day (to be Caught in the Rain).” [15]
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.
SELLERS: The Shifting
Sunds of Westziristoon, part pflin!
SEAGOON: With the
plans of the union jack secreted in the hip pocket of my hat, I set fire to my
socks and set off hot-foot for
ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok
Theme
BLOODNOK:
Ohohohohohohoh! Ohohohoh! Ohohohohoh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ohoh!
FX: Cork popping.
BLOODNOK: Ohoh –
that’s better! Now…
GRAMS: Extended
sounds of pouring.
BLOODNOK: (Drinking sounds.)
SINGHEZ-THINGZ: Major! Major
Bloodnok sir – the Colonel is coming! Tottenham three, Arsenal two. Snow on
high ground.
BLOODNOK: Thank you… The
Colonel? Chain the brandy to the wall – I know his sort.
CHINSTRAP:[16]
(Entering) A glass of port? I don’t
mind if I do.
BLOODNOK: By the great
leather puttees[17]
of Gemard R. Goldstein! Colonel Chinstrap – it’s you sir!
CHINSTRAP: Yes sir.
Colonel Chinstrap is always me.
BLOODNOK: What a
fortunate co-incidence for you both.
CHINSTRAP: Well, if you
insist Dennis – just a chota-peg.[18]
BLOODNOK: Yes, yes,
yes.
GRAMS: Pouring
BLOODNOK: Enough?
CHINSTRAP: Just a spot
more.
BLOODNOK: Yes, yes.
GRAMS: Further
pouring.
BLOODNOK: Cheers.
CHINSTRAP: Cheers.
FX: Glasses clink.
(Sounds of
drinking.)
BLOODNOK: Have
another?
CHINSTRAP: Ah – just a
small one please.
GRAMS: Further
further pouring.
BLOODNOK: Cheers.
CHINSTRAP: Cheers.
FX: Glasses clink.
(Sounds of
further further drinking.)
BLOODNOK: Spot more?
CHINSTRAP: Err, no, no.
I think it’s about time you had one.
BLOODNOK: Yes, yes,
yes! I will then.
GRAMS: Further
further further pouring.
(Sounds of
further further further drinking.)
BLOODNOK: Does you
good you know, doesn’t it?
CHINSTRAP: I say,
Dennis…
BLOODNOK: Yes, yes?
CHINSTRAP: Anything
happen during the night?
BLOODNOK: In the
night? Oh – the night, yes. Well Humphrey, the fort was attacked by fifteen
thousand tribesmen but they were driven off by a frenzied shrieking figure
waving a whiskey bottle.
CHINSTRAP: Good
heavens. Who was it?
BLOODNOK: You sir!
CHINSTRAP: Are you sure
Dennis?
BLOODNOK: Am I sure?
Of course I’m sure! You weren’t the only one in that night-shirt you know! Ohhh! It was hell in there!
GRAMS: (Further
further further further sounds of pouring.)
BLOODNOK: Well – bottoms
up!
CHINSTRAP: Cheers.
(Sounds of
further further further further drinking.)
GRAMS: Further
further further further further pouring.
FX: Glasses onto table top.
CHINSTRAP: I have a
toast.
BLOODNOK: Yes?
CHINSTRAP: Here’s to
the old country sir!
FX: Glasses clink.
BLOODNOK: Mm? What old
country?
CHINSTRAP: Any old
country. Cheers!
BLOODNOK: Cheers.
(Sounds of
further further further further further further drinking.)
BLOODNOK: Well now
Colonel, I suppose you’re wondering why you sent for me.
CHINSTRAP: Yes, I say[19]
– just a minute, just a minute my boy – (to
audience) QUIET OUT THERE!... Blasted goldfish.
BLOODNOK: They should
wear slippers you know.
CHINSTRAP: Well, if you
insist – just a nip.
FX: Door opening.
ECCLES: Here! What’s
going on here?
BLOODNOK: Nothing.
ECCLES: Well I’ll
clear off then.
FX: Door closes.
GRAMS: (Further
further further further further further sounds of pouring. Mix in distant
sounds of gunfire.)
BLOODNOK: Look – the
relief column’s arrived!
CHINSTRAP: Send her in.
FX: Door opens.
GRAMS: Tram
arriving at junction.
BLOODNOK: Great Scott!
It’s a 49 tram!
CHINSTRAP: Then it’s
one of ours.
SEAGOON: (Entering) Gentlemen, here are the plans
for the union jack you so desperately need.
BLOODNOK: Hurray,
hurray!
SEAGOON: Sorry I’m
late gentlemen, but your fort is twenty miles further north than it says on the
map.
CHINSTRAP: Twenty miles
further north? Then it’s happened again. This fort was built on shifting sands,
and your combined extra weight must have set it going north again.
BLOODNOK: You’re right
Colonel – look out of the wall!
SEAGOON: Great spons
of galloping hearn! The fort’s crossing the frontier into
FX: Door knock.
BLOODNOK:
Ohohohouuuahhhhohhhuuuuah! Ohohohohuuuuuahhhhhhhohhh! I recognize that
knocking. It’s the devilish Waziric tribal chief ‘The Wad of Char!’
FX: Heavy knocking.
ELLINGTON: Let me in Bloodnok,
or I’ll open this door cor blimey!
FX: Door opens
ELLINGTON: Now…
BLOODNOK: Curse! He
knew the combination of the hinges.
CHINSTRAP: I say sir,
ask him what he wants while I climb out the window.
ELLINGTON: Come back!
Your fort now resting on my father’s domain.
BLOODNOK: How painful
for him.
ELLINGTON: I warn you
Bloodnok, your fort is now in the sacred car-park of El Bow – cost you seven
and six an hour mate.[20]
Pay by cash cheque at sunrise or we attack.
BLOODNOK: I’m warning you
Wad of Char, unless you withdraw that threat by dawn - we’ll pay.
ELLINGTON: Alright,
mate. And now my latest number. Yim bom bulla boo!
BLOODNOK: You filthy
swine you.
RAY ELLINGTON – “All of Me” [21]
ORCHESTRA:
Military link.
GREENSLADE: The Shifting
Sands of
SEAGOON: (Excited) Quite right yes.
GREENSLADE: Through the
night…
SEAGOON: Yes?
GREENSLADE: …on the
fort’s battlements…
SEAGOON: Yes yes yes?
GREENSLADE: …British
soldiers…
SEAGOON: Oooo, yes?
GREENSLADE: …stood to
for the expected attack.
SEAGOON: Right!
GRAMS: Howling
wind
BLUEBOTTLE: Are you
wearing your long winter drawers, Eccles?
ECCLES: No, I am not
wearing my winter-drawers-eccles. No, I never wear them bottle.
BLUEBOTTLE: Cor. Aren’t
you afraid of going around without wearing any of them?
ECCLES: Nope.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oo – what
courage! Do you know that you’re a second Wyatt Earp?
ECCLES: Doesn’t
Wyatt Earp wear long drawers?[22]
BLUEBOTTLE: I do not
know. I have never looked up his trouser legs.
ECCLES: I’ll tell
you something – I looked up my dad’s trousers once and I discovered something.
BLUEBOTTLE: What?
ECCLES: That’s where
he keeps his legs. Bottle, you ever seen your daddy’s legs?
BLUEBOTTLE: No. He
always takes them to work with him.
ECCLES: Oh! What for
bottle?
BLUEBOTTLE: He uses them
to stop his trousers from bending.
ECCLES: Oh fine.
Dat’s good. Dat’s good… Um - (Sings)
A
letter to a dustman who takes my dust away
A
letter to a dustman…
BLUEBOTTLE: (Scared) Eeeeeeeeee! Eccles! Do not look now – right behind you
there’s a pair of great big naked legs.
ECCLES: Oooooo! Legs?
Whose are they?
BLUEBOTTLE: I’ll look up
his trousers and see. Ohhhhhhhh! It’s Ray Ellinj-ton.
ELLINGTON: Yes, but me
playing part of ‘Wad of Char’.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh-hohoeeei!
The enemy! Immediately attacks for Enj-land. Hit, hit, fight! Hit, hit, hit,
strike! Hit-strike, hit-strike, fight-hit!! Hit hit hit hit hit hit hit HIT!
Knees fall off – collapses – loses.
ELLINGTON: Listen
little spirit of empire. You give me the key to fort gates and me give you four
ounces dolly-mixture.
BLUEBOTTLE: Hoi hoi hoi hoi hoi hoi! Every man has got his price. Here
is the key.
ELLINGTON: And here is
four ounces dolly-mixture. Goodbye mate.
GRAMS: Whoosh
BLUEBOTTLE: Puts leading
dolly-mixture into dinner hole. Savours morsel. (Chews) Ahi hoo hooi! Huh hu hu hui! I have been trickéd! These
dolly-mixtures are forgeries made from compressed senna-pods.[23]
Faints with horror – faint, fall, thud.
SEAGOON: What’s going
on here? Who’s this soldier sleeping on guard? Good heavens – Private
Bluebottle!
BLUEBOTTLE: Captain, I
have done a terrible thing! I gave the key of the fort gate to the dreaded ‘Wad
of Char’.
SEAGOON: What! You’ll
be shot for this. Take aim, fire!
FX: Pistol shot
BLUEBOTTLE: Thank you
Captain. Can I go home now?
SEAGOON: Colonel –
what are we going to do?
CHINSTRAP: We’ll have
to drink our way out.
GRAMS: Machine
gun fire. Bugle playing advance over. Sounds of battle.
BLOODNOK: Ooooooh
oooh! The Waziris are attacking.
CAST: (Variously) Oooohh! Ahhhww! Ooooooh!
Ahhhww!
BLOODNOK: Anybody got
a hole in the ground?[24]
SEAGOON: Bloodnok,
this is a fine time to turn coward!
BLOODNOK: I know – that’s
why I chose it.
FX: Cork popping.
CHINSTRAP: Gentlemen,
we’ll drink our way out!
BLOODNOK: Good idea.
CHINSTRAP: I’ll lead
the way.
GRAMS: (Further further further further further further further further pouring.)
SEAGOON: You can’t
drink your way out of this. These tribesmen are tough. There is only one
language the Waziris understand – Waziri.
CHINSTRAP: Splendid.
I’ll address the hoards from the battlements in their own language. (Slightly off mic.) I say – you
Wasouries! Sum junjum pukeum chikpittu salveum deum, hai spon. They’re not
answering.
BLOODNOK: What? Let me
try Humphrey. (Slightly off mic.) Atorum
makkhin torey char,
CHINSTRAP: Perhaps it’s
their half day closing.
BLOODNOK: Yes.
SEAGOON: No. Wait!
Wait! Ehehehehehehheie-wait!
CHINSTRAP: Yes, I
couldn’t agree more.
SEAGOON: What are
those lumps at the bottom of the foothills?
ECCLES: Toes!
SEAGOON: Shut up
Eccles! Gentlemen – look, they’re hauling ‘Thin Tom,’ their long range cannon,
into position.[25]
BLOODNOK: They’re
loading it…
CHINSTRAP: By gad, sir,
they’re lighting the fuse…
SPONLEY: They’re…
they’re pointing it at us!
BLOODNOK: They’re
going to fire it.
SEAGOON: I wonder
what they’re up to.
GRAMS: Shell
dropping
BLOODNOK: Duck!-
GRAMS: Explosion followed by hen clucking
SEAGOON: That’s no
duck. That’s a chicken.
CHINSTRAP: By gad, sir,
they’re firing hens at us.
BLOODNOK: A FOUL
trick.
CHINSTRAP: EGG-sactly.
SPONLEY: We’re being
SHELLED.
SEAGOON: Stop
cracking YOKES!
ORCHESTRA: Thin
chord in C. Cymbal snap.
GRAMS: Massed
rifle fire.
GREENSLADE: Through the
long night the Waziris attacked, firing their bullets from the hidden position
inside their rifle barrels. Then at dawn – good tidings.
OMNES: Rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb
CRUN: Gentlemen of
the fort, we have worked all night and completed a union jack. Owing to the
shortage I was forced to build it of wood.
CHINSTRAP: Wood? How is
it going to wave?
CRUN: I put hinges
down the middle.
SEAGOON: Great news!
Hoist it up the flag-pole.
CRUN: We can’t do
that. You see I used the flag-pole to build the flag.
BANNISTER: Yes, yes. He…
GRAMS: Distant
avalanche. (Try rolling a grand piano across stage.)
BANNISTER: What’s that?
Ohh! We’ll be….
CHINSTRAP: I say,
what’s that?
SEAGOON: The fort!
It’s sliding back on the shifting sands towards
FX: Quick knocking
SEAGOON: There it is
at the back door now.
FX: Door opening
CYRIL: Good morning
gentlemen. British Customs Officers.
SPRIGGS: Yes indeed –
that’s who we arrrrrrrre!
CYRIL: Are you
bringing any wines or spirits into the country?
CHINSTRAP: Only a flask
full of brandy sir.
CYRIL: How much
does it hold?
CHINSTRAP: Forty-eight
gallons.
CYRIL: I wondered
why your trousers were round your ankles. Forty-eight gallons eh? That’ll be
seventy-five pounds in annas.[26]
SEAGOON: Anna doesn’t
live here anymore.
CYRIL: I was told
that Anna-stays-‘ere.
SEAGOON: A
magnificent film![27]
CYRIL: You can’t
take this fort across into
CHINSTRAP: Gentlemen…
SPONLEY: Yes?
CHINSTRAP: …we’ll have
to drink our way out of this.
SEAGOON: Right. Volunteers,
one pace forward – march!
GRAMS: Regiment
coming to attention
SEAGOON: Name?
CHINSTRAP: Chinstrap,
late of one pace back. Good health!
GRAMS: Liquid
bubbling out of a thousand bottles.
CHINSTRAP: (Gulping)
GREENSLADE: That was all
fifty-scree years ago, but to this day a white stone marks the spot where
Chinstrap saved the day.[28]
BLOODNOK: Yes, and it carries
this simple inscription;
“Here
lies Colonel Chinstrap,
Drowned
– from the inside.”
SEAGOON: That’s it.
All round the back for the old Marlon Brando there![29]
GRAMS: Massed boots running away.
ORCHESTRA: Closing
theme
GREENSLADE: That was the
Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme, featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe,
Spike Milligan and Jack Train, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and
the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry
Stephens, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Pat Dixon.
ORCHESTRA: Playout
YTI 