THE EMPEROR OF THE UNIVERSE

 

GOON SHOW: TLO 19237

7TH SERIES: No 14

BROADCAST: 3 Jan 1957 [1]

 

Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens.

 

GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Home Service. Presenting ...

FX: Gong

SEAGOON: And beautifully preserved too.

GREENSLADE: Yes, that's because we always keep it under glass.

SEAGOON: I see. Mr. Greenslade – I've just noticed. Do you always do your announcing without any clothes on?

GREENSLADE: No, but this is a special occasion. Tonight is John Snagge's coming out party. His mother's throwing a ball.

SEAGOON: Who’s batting?

GREENSLADE: If you must know – a fiend Chinaman called …

FX: Gong

GREENSLADE: Emperor of the Universe.

SEAGOON: I say ... that sounds sinister.

GREENSLADE: Yes. Now, put on this black trilby with a zip front, release these racing vultures, and prepare yourself to take part in Bulldog Seagoon's first case, entitled ...

FX: Gong

ORCHESTRA: 'Foggy London' theme.

GRAMS: Distant foghorns on the Thames, trotting horse on cobblestones.

SPIKE: (Over – chicken clucks.)

FX: Door opens and closes.

SEAGOON: Gad, Algie – it's a dark, dank October evening in London.

ALGERNON: Yes Bulldog, and the thick fog is swirling against the window panes of your apartment overlooking the River Tames[2] in London – lighting-up time six-forty-flun….

SEAGOON: High tide, three-twill. Yes Algernon, and here on the walls of my study at eleventeen Sussex Gardens are the fruits of eighty years globe-trotting and rug-making.

ALGERNON: Yes indeed Bulldog. And standing there in your Norfolk jacket and drawers you must be terribly, terribly proud of your collection of weapons.

SEAGOON: Jove indeed, Algernoon.

FX: Match being struck

SEAGOON: As I draw casually on my pipe – letting a luxuriant wisp of smoke escape from the bowl – I insert a fresh wisp and say, “Yes – there you see the ‘Ghurkha khukuri'. [3] It's a cook'ry book! This is the Zulu assegai…”[4]

ALGERNON: …and ‘as-se-gai who done it!

SEAGOON: (I don’t wish to know that Algernoon!) “Up here on the floor of the Prussian Sabre and there – there Algernoon ...”

ALGERNON: (Aside) Here he clenched his lips, and the knuckles show white to the ears on his skin.

SEAGOON: “Yes Algernoon, there we have surely the most dreaded weapon of all – the British rolled newspaper.”

ALGERNON: Yes indeed sir – an awesome sight, Bulldog.

SEAGOON: True Algey, true. These lumps on my head could tell a tale.

ALGERNON: Then why don't they?

SEAGOON: I've sworn them to silence.

ALGERNON: A well-chosen spoken word.

SEAGOON: Needle nardle noo.

ALGERNON: More devilish brandy sir?

SEAGOON: Just a chota pint.[5]

ALGERNON: Right. Milk and sugar?

SEAGOON: Please. One sugar and two milks. I'm on the water-wagon you know.

ALGERNON: I wondered why you looked so tall.

SEAGOON: I'm driving. I say Algernoon – ha ha ha – have you seen this rather interesting item in The Times? “Government officials are concerned by the alarming decrease in the number of Englishmen per capita”.

ALGERNON: Good heavens Bulldog! This is right up your street.

SEAGOON: Yes – that's why I live here!

ALGERNON: Really?

SEAGOON: Aha ha ha! You know, I wouldn't be surprised at all if even as I speak I received a phone call from the Guv ...

FX: Phone rings. Receiver picked up.

SEAGOON: (Brummie accent) Just a moment. I've not done yet!

FX: Receiver hung up

SEAGOON: … from the Government.

FX: Phone rings. Receiver picked up.

SEAGOON: There they are now.

FX: Phone clicks down.[6]

SEAGOON: Hello? This is Spon three-eight-two-nine.

CYRIL: (on phone) Is that Mingely oh-six-oh-seven?

SEAGOON: No. This is Nurglar oh-oh-oh-oh.

CYRIL: (on phone) Have you hurt yourself?

SEAGOON: Only in the bath.

CYRIL: (on phone) And the best time to do it too. I'm speaking for the Foreign Secretary. He's having his teeth repaired.

SEAGOON: Really? He should have them lagged this weather.

CYRIL: (on phone) Listen Bulldoge, it's regarding the missing Englishmen. Can you come over here right away?

SEAGOON: Certainly.

FX: Phone receiver hung up. Phone rings. Receiver picked up. (Quick as possible)

SEAGOON: Hello?

CYRIL: (on phone) Goodbye.

FX: Phone receiver hung up.

SEAGOON: Algey, tell the chauffeur to drive my boots around.

ALGERNON: Wouldn't plimsolls be faster sir?

SEAGOON: Of course. Hurry!

ALGERNON: Right.

ORCHESTRA: 'Dick Barton Hurry' link.[7]

FX: (Heavy knocks) KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

SEAGOON: …on the Foreign Office door. Just thought I'd let you know where I was folks. Ha ha ha!

FX: Door opens.

SEAGOON: As I entered the Foreign Secretary's office, I became aware of a distinguished white face peering down from the top of an airing cupboard.

GRYTPYPE: (Slightly off mic.) Morning! Sit down.

SEAGOON: Sit down? Ah ha ha ha hayah ha ho ho! The plot thickens.

GRYTPYPE: (approaching) Yes. Bulldog – have a bus ticket.

SEAGOON: Well, just a tuppenny one.

FX: Ticket being punched.

SEAGOON: Mmmmm. (Smacking his lips) Delicious.

GRYTPYPE: Yes, they're hand-punched d'you know.

SEAGOON: I might have guessed. My father smoked fourpennies – they go further.

MORIARTY: Owwwowwoww. Quelle brilliant grasp of la plan – owwwww.

GRYTPYPE: Keep quiet in there Moriarty! Now Bulldog, you've heard about this mysterious disappearance of Englishmen? In one year, twenty-five million of them.

SEAGOON: England is short of Englishmen?

GRYTPYPE: Desperately.

SEAGOON: Are Welshmen short too?

GRYTPYPE: Just look at you!

SEAGOON: Duck's disease – the curse of the Seagoons!

GRYTPYPE: Yes, it must be hell down there!

SEAGOON: (Crying) It is!

GRYTPYPE: There, there, there! Have another bus ticket, please.

SEAGOON: No, no, no. You have one of mine.

GRYTPYPE: Thank you. If you don't mind, I'll clip it later.

SEAGOON: Of course. Now, this shortage of Englishmen – is it having repercussions?

GRYTPYPE: Is it!?

SEAGOON: Yes.

GRYTPYPE: Do you know what gilt-edged Englishmen are fetching on the Stock Exchange? Fifty pounds a piece.

SEAGOON: Who's paying fifty pounds a piece for Englishmen?

GRYTPYPE: English women – depending on the piece they're after of course.

SEAGOON: What what what what what what what what? (Chicken impression)

GRYTPYPE: Please don't do that with your head on. It spoils the view.

SEAGOON: How can I help England in its darkest hour?

GRYTPYPE: Turn on your radio and I'll tell you.

GRAMS: Radio switched on. Frequency modulations. (Continue under.)

GRYTPYPE: (Megaphone) Now Bulldog, solve this mystery and we'll pay you a fee of two long green things with nails in the end.

SEAGOON: At last! A fortune in long green things with nails in the end. I'll commence investigooshuns immonilety. Goodbye!

GRAMS: Whoosh.

GRYTPYPE: Alright Moriarty, he's gone. You can come out of that fountain-pen now.

MORIARTY: (Groans) Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

FX: Pop

MORIARTY: Grytpype – I nearly drowned in there.

GRYTPYPE: I'm sorry Moriarty, I refilled the pen without thinking.[8] Take a message.

MORIARTY: Right.

FX: Typing under.

GRYTPYPE: No no! Don't use the typewriter. You might be overheard.

MORIARTY: Right. I'll use a saw – then no-one will saw it except me.

GRYTPYPE: It's bad English but a good excuse. Now, saw out this address and don't fret.[9] Address it to Mister…

FX: Gong

GRYTPYPE: ... Emperor of the Universe.

FX: Sawing wood – continue under.

GRYTPYPE: Disappearing Englishmen causing Government to be suspicious.

MORIARTY: Not too fast! Not too fast!

GRYTPYPE: Have succeeded in putting a right charlie on the job. Assure you he is too stupid to discover anything. Signed Grytpype Thynne, acting Foreign Secretary.

MORIARTY: How do you spell that?

GRYTPYPE: Er ... give me that saw.

FX: Sudden determined sawing.

GRYTPYPE: (over) G. R. Y. T. P. I. P. E. T. H. Y. N. N. E.[10]  P.S. Find enclosed one Max Geldray.

 

MAX GELDRAY: 'Exactly Like You.' [11]

 

SEAGOON: Silence please! Ladies and gentlemen, I have just been told of an incident which may give us an important clue to the missing Englishmen. Odium?

ODIUM:[12] Yah – (Fast gabble)

SEAGOON: Start up the car.

ODIUM: (Affirmation in gibberish. Does impression of starting car. He revs, changes gears, gets going, changes up gears then drives off.)

SEAGOON: I don't know where he gets the petrol from.[13] After him!

GRAMS: Boots running away. Fades.

ODIUM: (Car impression returning. Squeals to a stop.)

SEAGOON: Ah! This looks like the place in the script.

FX: Knocking on door. Door opens.

CRUN: Ah, come in Mister Seagoon.

SEAGOON: Now – what's gone wrong?

CRUN: It's our Irish cook Ray Ellington. He's off colour you know.

SEAGOON: Really? That's unusual for him.

CRUN: (calls) Ellington?

ELLINGTON: (In Chinese accent.) Mutthaservayla tcha, pichinalayung pong![14]

SEAGOON: Little shirts of linen! He's turned into a fiendish Chinese. When did this happen?

ELLINGTON: After bleakfast. Chop chop!

SEAGOON: Breakfast, chop chop?  What did you eat?

ELLINGTON: Implorted Chinese egg.[15]

SEAGOON: Which way did it go?

ELLINGTON: Downwards.

SEAGOON: Quick! After it!

ODIUM: (Impression of car speeding up and screeching to a halt.)

CRUN: Stop! Stop! There’s no need to. I've got a duplicate Chinese egg here under this piano leg.

SEAGOON: Professor Jampton, put that egg under the eggsray.

JAMPTON: Right sir. I'll just take its hat off first – now...

FX: Click.

GRAMS: Buzzing of electrodes.

JAMPTON: (over) Jove, look what's inside the egg – a white and a yolk!

SEAGOON: Only the Chinese could have thought of anything as devilish as this.

JAMPTON: But observe sir, what's in the centre.

SEAGOON: (Horrified) Aaaargh! It looks like a small stick of yellow greasepaint.

JAMPTON: And a false pigtail.

SEAGOON: You – you mean if ... if ... if ... if .... (sneezes) if an Englishman were un-egg-wittedly to swallow that pigtail he'd turn into a Chinese?

JAMPTON: Indubitably, sir.

SEAGOON: Don't mess about. Yes or no?

JAMPTON: Yes.

SEAGOON: What's this stamped on the shell? “Chinese Egg Refinery. Proprietors ...

FX: Gong

SEAGOON: ... and Sons.” We've no time to waste. Take the next tram out to China!

GRAMS: Tram bell, tram moves off, gains speed, fades ...

ORCHESTRA: South China Sea Interlude.

GRAMS: Waves.

GREENSLADE: We present ...

FX: Gong

GREENSLADE: ... Part Two. If listeners who can afford it will hire launches, they will be able to draw alongside the police tram as it sails slowly through the China Sea to Peking. I will leave the BBC microphone on board the tram so that you may hear those little witticisms that sailors are wont to utter.[16]

GRAMS: Swell waves then fade under.

BLUEBOTTLE: You ever been on a tram at sea before Eccles?

ECCLES: Um – no. But I've been on a trolley-bus up the Edgware Road.

BLUEBOTTLE: Oh. Dat is a naughty road.

ECCLES: Yeah, and it was nearly mmm-midnight.

BLUEBOTTLE: Cor! You're a second Geraldo you are.[17]

ECCLES: (Whispers) And do you know, da bus conductor was a woman!

BLUEBOTTLE: (Teenage wet dream.) Ayiohhh! My knees are going up and down. Wippy woppy wippy! Ahheehee! What did you say to her Eccles?

ECCLES: I said – um ...

BLUEBOTTLE: Yes?

ECCLES: Oh no, you're too young!

BLUEBOTTLE: No, no – come on Eccles. I'm older since you said dat.

ECCLES: Oh, alright den – but don't tell anybody dis will you?

BLUEBOTTLE: No.

ECCLES: I went up to her and I said, “A two-and-a-half to Kilburn, please”.

BLUEBOTTLE: I do not t'ink much of dat, Eccles.

ECCLES: Ah – but it was da way I said it! I said it like dis ...

ORCHESTRA: Harp glissando.

ECCLES: (Matinee idol.) 'Ellooo Miss. Two and a half to Kilburn.

BLUEBOTTLE: Ohhh! You've lived a life of sin you have.

ECCLES: Oh. 'Ere, you ever been on a bus with a woman conductor?

BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, I have.

ECCLES: Ohh. Wippy.

BLUEBOTTLE: Wippy, woppy, woopee!

ECCLES: My knees are goin' now. Did you talk to her?

BLUEBOTTLE: No I did not, because I was in a brown paper parcel under da stairs.

ECCLES: Oh! Why?

BLUEBOTTLE: My Scottish uncle was takin' me for a bus ride.

SEAGOON: Alright you two, that's your spot over. Settle down. Now we're coming into Shanghai harbour.

BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, I'll put my hat on den.

SEAGOON: (Announces) Stop the tram, drop anchor and change the seats round facing the other way. All ashore! And keep your eyes open for a man called ...

FX: Gong

ORCHESTRA: Short Chinese version of 'Limehouse Blues'[18]

SEAGOON: It'll never get on the hit parade.

BLUEBOTTLE: No ad-libbing there, captain.

SEAGOON: Needle nardle noo!

BLUEBOTTLE: I thought dat someone else was goin' to say a line den.

SEAGOON: Silung gerblunden, or I'll cancel your subscription to 'The Sunbathing Weekly'.

BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, what pain – just when I'd entered the 'Beautiful Britain' snapshot contest.

SEAGOON: Now, I wonder where ...

FX: Gong

SEAGOON: ... and his Chinese Eggery are?

BLUEBOTTLE: I have got a Boy Scout street map of Shanghai in da linin' of my toggle.

ECCLES: Ohh!

SEAGOON: Let's see.

FX: Paper unfolding.

SEAGOON: Oh yes. Now, we're in this street here…

BLUEBOTTLE: (indignant) We know dat!

SEAGOON: Now if we go up this street here and – AH!... there's the Egg Refinery there.

ECCLES: Right, I'll knock.

FX: Knocking on door, door opens.

CHINAMAN:[19] (Chinese gibberish) Yes, please?

SEAGOON: Are you Mr. ...

FX: Gong

CHINAMAN: No. I am not Mr. ...

FX: Gong

CHINAMAN: I am ...

FX: Higher-pitched gong

CHINAMAN: ... son of ...

FX: First gong

SEAGOON: Oh. Well we've got a complaint about your father's eggs. You see this Chinaman here? He's really Ray Ellington.

CHINAMAN: No Chinaman can have name like Lay Ellington. I do not believe.

SEAGOON: Ellington, prove it – while we nip round the back for a chota pint of brandy.

ELLINGTON: (Chinese accent) Al-light, cor blimey.

 

RAY ELLINGTON:  'Boom'

 

SEAGOON: There you are – living proof that he's Chinese.

CHINAMAN: (Chinese gibberish) Yes indeed he lar Chinese. And now please, to follow me please.

GRAMS: Boots on pavement. (Extended)

SEAGOON: We can't stand here all day listening to a record of footsteps.

CHINAMAN: Please sir, that record are number one on Chinese hit parade.

SEAGOON: Really?

CHINAMAN: Yeah.

SEAGOON: How does it go?

CHINAMAN: (Sings)          Ping pung yukka mukka takha kahya,

Yamma tungha tiya taya toh.

Tukka nukka tayaya tiya tabhoiya

Yakkub – taya ma,

Ayagot mailuv to keep me warm. [20]

SEAGOON: You want to get it orchestrated.

CHINAMAN: I tell you – you come in here. Blad egg deplartment in here please.

SEAGOON: (Cod-chinese) L'en lopen lup la dloor.

FX: Door opens.

ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme with Chinese ending.

BLOODNOK: Ohhhohhohho! Ahohhohh! Oh, that's better. But these fiendish Chinese eggs – some of them are bad I'll be bound.

SEAGOON: Major Bloodnok!

BLOODNOK: What? Me Major Bloodnok? It's a mistake – I'm Lai Ying.[21]

SEAGOON: Of course you're lying. You’re Major Bloodnok.

BLOODNOK: What?

SEAGOON: I recognise that army-surplus pigtail.

BLOODNOK: Ohhhohhohh!

SEAGOON: So this is where they insert the yellow greasepaint and the pigtails into the eggs, eh?

BLOODNOK: It's hell, I tell you Neddie. It's hell!

SEAGOON: Do you realise that Englishmen who are eating these eggs are turning into Chinese? Whatever made you do this dastardly job?

BLOODNOK: Pain and agony, Neddie. Do you know what they did to me – an Englishman?

SEAGOON: What?

BLOODNOK: The Chinese water torture.

SEAGOON: What's that?

BLOODNOK: They gave me a bath!

SEAGOON: Gad, it must have been hell in there!

BLOODNOK: It was. But I resisted, Neddie – I resisted! They had to cut my socks away before they got me in.

SEAGOON: The inhuman devils! Here, rub this good old British dirt round your neck – you'll feel better.

FX: Sandpaper scraping rough surface.

BLOODNOK: (over) Ohho – thank you. That's lovely! Ohhh… Ohhhohhhohh…

SEAGOON: Now, what's inside that door?

BLOODNOK: Wood.

SEAGOON: And behind it?

BLOODNOK: A room.

SEAGOON: Gad! Is there no end to their fiendish ingenuity. Like Ted Ray...[22] Let's go in.

FX: Door opens.

GRAMS: Animated crowd of Chinese.

SEAGOON: Dear listeners, I walked into a badly-lit room. And there before us were twenty-five million Chinese in bowler hats, carrying rolled umbrellas and copies of The Times.

BLOODNOK: Yes. Those are your missing Englishmen, Neddie.

SEAGOON: Gad! This must be the work of ...

FX: Gong

SEAGOON: ... and his son ...

FX: Thin gong.

FX: Door closes.

BLOODNOK: Ohhhohhohh! We're locked in.

ORCHESTRA: Terror chords

GRAMS: Water trickling – continue under scene.

BLOODNOK: Oh no – they're flooding the room as well Neddie.

SEAGOON: And with water.

BLOODNOK: Yes.

SEAGOON: (Shouts out) Eccles! Bluebottle!

ECCLES: Yep.

SEAGOON: Swim for the ceiling!

GRAMS: Sounds of swimming.

CAST: (Struggling sounds.)

BLOODNOK: It's no good. Look here, it's almost up to the roof.

SEAGOON: Then there's only one thing for it.

ECCLES: What?

SEAGOON: We've got to drink this water or drown.[23]

ECCLES: OK.

CAST: (Drinking sounds.)

BLUEBOTTLE: Sip! Sip!

CAST: (More drinking sounds.)

SEAGOON: Stretch it now.

ECCLES: I can't take much more, I tell you.

BLUEBOTTLE: Sip sip sip SIIIIP!

BLOODNOK: Look – we've drunk about eighty gallons and the water's still rising.

SEAGOON: One of us must be leaking.

ECCLES: It me. I got a hole in my sock.

BLOODNOK: Look! There's a hole in the ceiling.[24]

SEAGOON: Splendid. Let's turn the room upside down and empty it.

CAST: (Straining sounds.)

GRAMS: Water draining down pipe.

GRAMS: Water stops.

SEAGOON: Saved by a hole in the ceiling.

FX: Door opens

SEAGOON: (Whispers) Shh! Look who's come in! It's Grytpype and Moriarty.

BLOODNOK: Where?

SEAGOON: Up there on the floor.

GRYTPYPE: (off) What are you doing up there on the ceiling?

SEAGOON: I've got news for you Mister Thynne – this room's upside down.

MORIARTY: (off) Sapristi!

GRYTPYPE: (off) What?

MORIARTY: (off) You mean we're ...

GRYTPYPE & MORIARTY: (approaching mic.) Ahhhhhh!

FX: Two bodies falling to the floor

GRYTPYPE & MORIARTY: Ohh! My splon!

GRYTPYPE: Curse this law of gravity! Who passed it?

SEAGOON: Sir Isaac Newton.

GRYTPYPE: I'll get him for this! I'll have you know Neddie that I am ...

FX: Gong

SEAGOON: How do you spell it?

GRYTPYPE: You spell it ...

ORCHESTRA: Rapid sequence on drums, temple blocks and bells, ending with cod duck call.

GRYTPYPE: But it's pronounced ...

FX: Gong

SEAGOON: Ah! So you were ...

FX: Gong

SEAGOON: ... all the time.

BLOODNOK: Quick Neddie, tie him to the chandelier while I keep him covered with these measurements of Sabrina.[25]

ECCLES: Sabrina!

BLOODNOK: Yes.

SEAGOON: And take them to THE POLICE!

ORCHESTRA: Chord in C. Cymbal snap.

SEAGOON: Thank you! That's all. Thank you! (Extended)

CAST: (Rapid interjections.)

GREENSLADE: Just a moment Mister Secombe. You haven't told us what became of ...

FX: Gong

SEAGOON: Ah, simple. I successfully changed all the Chinese back into Englishmen by giving them injections of Brown Windsor Soup, and inhalations of soot, smoke and beans on toast.

ECCLES: But what happened to ...

FX: Gong?

SEAGOON: Oh, him? He's working for me at the moment. Come up to our house for dinner any day, and you'll hear this sound…

FX: Gentle tapping on gong.

BUTLER: (over) Dinner is served.

FX: Tapping crescendos.

ORCHESTRA: Closing theme.

GREENSLADE: That was The Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens, announcer Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Pat Dixon.

ORCHESTRA: Playout.

 

YTI

 



[1] Spike takes his inspiration for this episode straight from popular detective novels of the 20’s and 30’s. ‘Bulldog Seagoon’ takes his name and background from ‘Bulldog Drummond,’ a fictional British detective based on the hard boiled American models. Written by ‘Sapper’ – Herman Cyril McNeile, then following his death in 1937 by Gerard Fairlie, the stories are typical of the period, with Drummond D.S.O: M.C. fighting numbers of various villains from different countries with zeal and cleanliness. However xenophobia, jingoism and racism appear regularly in the novels, and references to ‘niggers’ and ‘dirty Jews’ are not uncommon. In many ways these books echo the world in which Spike grew up, the privileged, proper child of British Sahib’s in India and Burma, where guns, adventure and exotic climes were part and parcel of his everyday world and where the blacks knew their place.

Bulldog Drummond is described in one book as being – a man who fights hard, plays hard and lives clean. His best friend would not call him good-looking but he possess that cheerful type of ugliness which inspires immediate confidence… Only his eyes redeem his face. Deep-set and steady, with eyelashes that many women envy, they show him to be a sportsman and an adventurer.”

 

[2] Well, that’s how he says it.

 

[3] The Khukuri was the standard issue Nepalese knife issued to the Ghurkhas. It was intensely effective as a weapon, and is a vital part of the legend that surrounds the fighting prowess of this Northern Indian regiment.

 

[4] The assegai has assorted origins. It was used extensively all over Africa, though the name itself is from the Arabic. Essentially it is a medium length wooden spear, tipped with metal. Some Zulu tribes referred to it as the ixwa – the sound it was reputed to make when withdrawn from a corpse.

[5] ‘Chota’ in Hindi/Urdu for ‘small or little’. The expression was usually a ‘chota peg’.

 

[6] The sequence of this FX seems out of sync. He appears to put the phone down before answering it.

 

[7] ‘Dick Barton, Special Agent’ was a BBC cloak and dagger soap opera which ran between 1946 to 1951 on the light programme. It commanded a listening audience of around 15 million. ‘The Devil’s Gallop’ – by Charles Williams, was the signature tune and is used here as a link. Monty Python also used this music.

[8] Moriarty becomes used to living vicariously. He was disguised as a piano string in 19/6th then later as a fish bone in 12/9th and as a hat stand in 16/9th.

 

[9] This ad lib is worth recording. Spike says: “A triumph of writing folks.” Grytpype replies: “Quelle sparkling dialogue Moriarty!”

 

[10] Note the spelling he uses.

 

[11] A popular song by Fields and McHugh, published in 1930. Recorded many times by Louis Armstrong, Cab Calloway, Nat King Cole, Tony Bennett, Frank Sinatra etc. The list is long.

 

[12] Milligan. He speaks with the same rapid gabble which he used in ‘The Great Bank Robbery’, 7 episodes back. It actually sounds like an extremely fast version of Porky Pig. However his impression of a car is excellent and well thought out. I wonder if it was originally part of his stage act.

 

[13] Partly a comment on Milligan’s act – partly a current affairs issue. The recent Suez crisis had seen petrol rationing re-introduced for the first time since the war. It lasted 5 months.

[14] This is partly guesswork I admit.

 

[15] The Chinese egg incident comes from real life. Questions had been raised in the House of Commons in January 1956 – eleven months previously, about imports of frozen whole egg from China that were alleged to contain paratyphoid germs. The shipment was eventually destroyed.

 

[16] Another instance of Milligan’s “Transference of Utility.” A Tram becoming a ship had also appeared in ‘The Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler” 3/5th.

 

[17] Gerald Walcan Bright (1904-1974) a popular British bandleader, entrepreneur and recording artist. Wally Stott did some fine arrangements for him during the 1950’s.

 

[18] An early Jazz standard composed in 1921 by Furber and Braham, said to have been inspired by the Limehouse area of London.

[19] Milligan.

[20] “I Got My Love to Keep Me Warm” – a 1937 song from the pen of Irving Berlin.

 

[21] The British public were well aware of this type of Chinese name prefaced with or inclusive of the syllable ‘Lai’. Various oriental leaders of that name had appeared in the newspapers since the war; eg; Lai Teck (Malaysia) and Chou En-Lai, Chinese Foreign Minister until 1958.

 

[22] Ted Ray (1905-1977) was a British music hall comedian who usually played the violin very badly as part of his act. Radio best remembers him for ‘Ray’s a Laugh’, a domestic comedy which played from 1949 – 1961 and included guest appearances from young actors like Peter Sellers, Kenneth Connors and Graham Stark.

[23] One of three occasions when the Goons had to drink themselves out of a problem. The other two instances are ‘The Treasure in the Lake’ (24/6th) and ‘Shifting Sands’ (17/7th).

[24] Milligan (as Eccles) interjects “That’s not mine.” My reasoning for not including it as script is that Secombe answers Bloodnok underneath Milligan’s interjection without waiting, indicating that Milligan’s line was unexpected.

[25] Norma Ann Sykes, (1936 - ) an English glamour model and actress. Her figure was her biggest asset. Played the dumb blonde sidekick in Arthur Askey’s ITV series ‘Before Your Very Eyes.’