THE
EMPEROR OF THE UNIVERSE
GOON SHOW: TLO 19237
7TH SERIES: No 14
BROADCAST: 3 Jan 1957 [1]
Script by Spike Milligan
and Larry Stephens.
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Home Service. Presenting
...
FX: Gong
SEAGOON: And beautifully preserved too.
GREENSLADE: Yes, that's because we always keep it
under glass.
SEAGOON: I see. Mr. Greenslade – I've just noticed. Do you
always do your announcing without any clothes on?
GREENSLADE: No, but this is a special occasion. Tonight
is John Snagge's coming out party. His mother's throwing a ball.
SEAGOON: Who’s batting?
GREENSLADE: If you must know – a fiend Chinaman
called …
FX: Gong
GREENSLADE: Emperor of the Universe.
SEAGOON: I say ... that sounds sinister.
GREENSLADE: Yes. Now, put on this black trilby with a
zip front, release these racing vultures, and prepare yourself to take part in
Bulldog Seagoon's first case, entitled ...
FX: Gong
ORCHESTRA: 'Foggy
GRAMS: Distant foghorns on the
SPIKE: (Over – chicken
clucks.)
FX: Door opens and
closes.
SEAGOON: Gad, Algie – it's a dark, dank October evening in
ALGERNON: Yes Bulldog, and the thick fog is swirling against
the window panes of your apartment overlooking the River Tames[2]
in
SEAGOON: High tide, three-twill. Yes Algernon, and here on the
walls of my study at eleventeen
ALGERNON: Yes indeed Bulldog. And standing there in your
Norfolk jacket and drawers you must be terribly, terribly proud of your
collection of weapons.
SEAGOON: Jove indeed, Algernoon.
FX: Match being struck
SEAGOON: As I draw casually on my pipe – letting a luxuriant wisp
of smoke escape from the bowl – I insert a fresh wisp and say, “Yes – there you
see the ‘Ghurkha khukuri'. [3]
It's a cook'ry book! This is the Zulu assegai…”[4]
ALGERNON: …and ‘as-se-gai who done it!
SEAGOON: (I don’t wish to know that Algernoon!) “Up here on
the floor of the Prussian Sabre and there – there Algernoon ...”
ALGERNON: (Aside)
Here he clenched his lips, and the knuckles show white to the ears on his skin.
SEAGOON: “Yes Algernoon, there we have surely the most dreaded
weapon of all – the British rolled newspaper.”
ALGERNON: Yes indeed sir – an awesome sight, Bulldog.
SEAGOON: True Algey, true. These lumps on my head could tell a
tale.
ALGERNON: Then why don't they?
SEAGOON: I've sworn them to silence.
ALGERNON: A well-chosen spoken word.
SEAGOON: Needle nardle noo.
ALGERNON: More devilish brandy sir?
SEAGOON: Just a chota pint.[5]
ALGERNON: Right. Milk and sugar?
SEAGOON: Please. One sugar and two milks. I'm on the
water-wagon you know.
ALGERNON: I wondered why you looked so tall.
SEAGOON: I'm driving. I say Algernoon – ha ha ha – have you seen
this rather interesting item in The Times? “Government officials are concerned
by the alarming decrease in the number of Englishmen per capita”.
ALGERNON: Good heavens Bulldog! This is right up your street.
SEAGOON: Yes – that's why I live here!
ALGERNON: Really?
SEAGOON: Aha ha ha! You know, I wouldn't be surprised at all
if even as I speak I received a phone call from the Guv ...
FX: Phone rings. Receiver
picked up.
SEAGOON: (Brummie
accent) Just a moment. I've not done yet!
FX: Receiver hung up
SEAGOON: … from the Government.
FX: Phone rings. Receiver
picked up.
SEAGOON: There they are now.
FX: Phone clicks down.[6]
SEAGOON: Hello? This is Spon three-eight-two-nine.
CYRIL: (on phone)
Is that Mingely oh-six-oh-seven?
SEAGOON: No. This is Nurglar oh-oh-oh-oh.
CYRIL: (on phone) Have
you hurt yourself?
SEAGOON: Only in the bath.
CYRIL: (on phone) And
the best time to do it too. I'm speaking for the Foreign Secretary. He's having
his teeth repaired.
SEAGOON: Really? He should have them lagged this weather.
CYRIL: (on phone)
Listen Bulldoge, it's regarding the missing Englishmen. Can you come over here
right away?
SEAGOON: Certainly.
FX: Phone receiver hung
up. Phone rings. Receiver picked up. (Quick as possible)
SEAGOON: Hello?
CYRIL: (on phone)
Goodbye.
FX: Phone receiver hung
up.
SEAGOON: Algey, tell the chauffeur to drive my boots around.
ALGERNON: Wouldn't plimsolls be faster sir?
SEAGOON: Of course. Hurry!
ALGERNON: Right.
ORCHESTRA: 'Dick Barton Hurry' link.[7]
FX: (Heavy knocks) KNOCK
KNOCK KNOCK
SEAGOON: …on the Foreign Office door. Just thought I'd let you
know where I was folks. Ha ha ha!
FX: Door opens.
SEAGOON: As I entered the Foreign Secretary's office, I became
aware of a distinguished white face peering down from the top of an airing
cupboard.
GRYTPYPE: (Slightly off
mic.) Morning! Sit down.
SEAGOON: Sit down? Ah ha ha ha hayah ha
ho ho! The plot thickens.
GRYTPYPE: (approaching)
Yes. Bulldog – have a bus ticket.
SEAGOON: Well, just a tuppenny one.
FX: Ticket being punched.
SEAGOON: Mmmmm. (Smacking
his lips) Delicious.
GRYTPYPE: Yes, they're hand-punched d'you know.
SEAGOON: I might have guessed. My father smoked fourpennies –
they go further.
MORIARTY: Owwwowwoww. Quelle brilliant grasp of la plan – owwwww.
GRYTPYPE: Keep quiet in there Moriarty! Now Bulldog, you've
heard about this mysterious disappearance of Englishmen? In one year,
twenty-five million of them.
SEAGOON:
GRYTPYPE: Desperately.
SEAGOON: Are Welshmen short too?
GRYTPYPE: Just look at you!
SEAGOON: Duck's disease – the curse of the Seagoons!
GRYTPYPE: Yes, it must be hell down there!
SEAGOON: (Crying) It
is!
GRYTPYPE: There, there, there! Have another bus ticket, please.
SEAGOON: No, no, no. You have one of mine.
GRYTPYPE: Thank you. If you don't mind, I'll clip it later.
SEAGOON: Of course. Now, this shortage of Englishmen – is it
having repercussions?
GRYTPYPE: Is it!?
SEAGOON: Yes.
GRYTPYPE: Do you know what gilt-edged Englishmen are fetching
on the Stock Exchange? Fifty pounds a piece.
SEAGOON: Who's paying fifty pounds a piece for Englishmen?
GRYTPYPE: English women – depending on the piece they're after of
course.
SEAGOON: What what what what what what what what? (Chicken impression)
GRYTPYPE: Please don't do that with your head on. It spoils the
view.
SEAGOON: How can I help
GRYTPYPE: Turn on your radio and I'll tell you.
GRAMS: Radio switched on. Frequency modulations.
(Continue under.)
GRYTPYPE: (Megaphone)
Now Bulldog, solve this mystery and we'll pay you a fee of two long green
things with nails in the end.
SEAGOON: At last! A fortune in long green things with nails in
the end. I'll commence investigooshuns immonilety. Goodbye!
GRAMS: Whoosh.
GRYTPYPE: Alright Moriarty, he's gone. You can come out of that
fountain-pen now.
MORIARTY: (Groans) Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
FX: Pop
MORIARTY: Grytpype – I nearly drowned in there.
GRYTPYPE: I'm sorry Moriarty, I refilled the pen without
thinking.[8] Take a
message.
MORIARTY: Right.
FX: Typing under.
GRYTPYPE: No no! Don't use the typewriter. You might be
overheard.
MORIARTY: Right. I'll use a saw – then no-one will saw it
except me.
GRYTPYPE: It's bad English but a good excuse. Now, saw out this
address and don't fret.[9] Address
it to Mister…
FX: Gong
GRYTPYPE: ... Emperor of the Universe.
FX: Sawing wood –
continue under.
GRYTPYPE: Disappearing Englishmen causing Government to be
suspicious.
MORIARTY: Not too fast! Not too fast!
GRYTPYPE: Have succeeded in putting a right charlie on the job.
Assure you he is too stupid to discover anything. Signed Grytpype Thynne,
acting Foreign Secretary.
MORIARTY: How do you spell that?
GRYTPYPE: Er ... give me that saw.
FX: Sudden determined
sawing.
GRYTPYPE: (over) G.
R. Y. T. P. I. P. E. T. H. Y. N. N. E.[10] P.S. Find enclosed one Max Geldray.
MAX GELDRAY: 'Exactly Like You.' [11]
SEAGOON: Silence please! Ladies and gentlemen, I have just
been told of an incident which may give us an important clue to the missing
Englishmen. Odium?
ODIUM:[12] Yah – (Fast gabble)
SEAGOON: Start up the car.
ODIUM: (Affirmation in
gibberish. Does impression of starting car. He revs, changes gears, gets going,
changes up gears then drives off.)
SEAGOON: I don't know where he gets the petrol from.[13] After
him!
GRAMS: Boots running away. Fades.
ODIUM: (Car impression
returning. Squeals to a stop.)
SEAGOON: Ah! This looks like the place in the script.
FX: Knocking on door. Door
opens.
CRUN: Ah, come in Mister Seagoon.
SEAGOON: Now – what's gone wrong?
CRUN: It's our Irish cook Ray Ellington. He's off colour
you know.
SEAGOON: Really? That's unusual for him.
CRUN: (calls)
Ellington?
ELLINGTON: (In Chinese
accent.) Mutthaservayla tcha, pichinalayung pong![14]
SEAGOON: Little shirts of linen! He's turned into a fiendish Chinese.
When did this happen?
ELLINGTON: After bleakfast. Chop chop!
SEAGOON: Breakfast, chop chop? What did you eat?
ELLINGTON: Implorted Chinese egg.[15]
SEAGOON: Which way did it go?
ELLINGTON: Downwards.
SEAGOON: Quick! After it!
ODIUM: (Impression of
car speeding up and screeching to a halt.)
CRUN: Stop! Stop! There’s no need to. I've got a duplicate
Chinese egg here under this piano leg.
SEAGOON: Professor Jampton, put that egg under the eggsray.
JAMPTON: Right sir. I'll just take its hat off first – now...
FX: Click.
GRAMS: Buzzing of electrodes.
JAMPTON: (over) Jove,
look what's inside the egg – a white and a yolk!
SEAGOON: Only the Chinese could have thought of anything as
devilish as this.
JAMPTON: But observe sir, what's in the centre.
SEAGOON: (Horrified) Aaaargh!
It looks like a small stick of yellow greasepaint.
JAMPTON: And a false pigtail.
SEAGOON: You – you mean if ... if ... if ... if .... (sneezes) if an Englishman were
un-egg-wittedly to swallow that pigtail he'd turn into a Chinese?
JAMPTON: Indubitably, sir.
SEAGOON: Don't mess about. Yes or no?
JAMPTON: Yes.
SEAGOON: What's this stamped on the shell? “Chinese Egg
Refinery. Proprietors ...
FX: Gong
SEAGOON: ... and Sons.” We've no time to waste. Take the next
tram out to
GRAMS: Tram bell, tram moves off, gains speed,
fades ...
ORCHESTRA:
GRAMS: Waves.
GREENSLADE: We present ...
FX: Gong
GREENSLADE: ... Part Two. If listeners who can afford
it will hire launches, they will be able to draw alongside the police tram as
it sails slowly through the China Sea to
GRAMS: Swell waves then fade under.
BLUEBOTTLE: You ever been on a tram at sea before
Eccles?
ECCLES: Um – no. But I've been on a trolley-bus up the
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh. Dat is a naughty road.
ECCLES: Yeah, and it was nearly mmm-midnight.
BLUEBOTTLE: Cor! You're a second Geraldo you are.[17]
ECCLES: (Whispers) And
do you know, da bus conductor was a woman!
BLUEBOTTLE: (Teenage
wet dream.) Ayiohhh! My knees are going up and down. Wippy woppy wippy! Ahheehee!
What did you say to her Eccles?
ECCLES: I said – um ...
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes?
ECCLES: Oh no, you're too young!
BLUEBOTTLE: No, no – come on Eccles. I'm older since
you said dat.
ECCLES: Oh, alright den – but don't tell anybody dis will
you?
BLUEBOTTLE: No.
ECCLES: I went up to her and I said, “A two-and-a-half to
Kilburn, please”.
BLUEBOTTLE: I do not t'ink much of dat, Eccles.
ECCLES: Ah – but it was da way I said it! I said it like dis
...
ORCHESTRA: Harp glissando.
ECCLES: (Matinee idol.)
'Ellooo Miss. Two and a half to Kilburn.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ohhh! You've lived a life of sin you
have.
ECCLES: Oh. 'Ere, you ever been on a bus with a woman
conductor?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, I have.
ECCLES: Ohh. Wippy.
BLUEBOTTLE: Wippy, woppy, woopee!
ECCLES: My knees are goin' now. Did you talk to her?
BLUEBOTTLE: No I did not, because I was in a brown
paper parcel under da stairs.
ECCLES: Oh! Why?
BLUEBOTTLE: My Scottish uncle was takin' me for a bus
ride.
SEAGOON: Alright you two, that's your spot over. Settle down.
Now we're coming into
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, I'll put my hat on den.
SEAGOON: (Announces) Stop
the tram, drop anchor and change the seats round facing the other way. All
ashore! And keep your eyes open for a man called ...
FX: Gong
ORCHESTRA: Short Chinese version of 'Limehouse Blues'[18]
SEAGOON: It'll never get on the hit parade.
BLUEBOTTLE: No ad-libbing there, captain.
SEAGOON: Needle nardle noo!
BLUEBOTTLE: I thought dat someone else was goin' to
say a line den.
SEAGOON: Silung gerblunden, or I'll cancel your subscription
to 'The Sunbathing Weekly'.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, what pain – just when I'd entered the
'Beautiful Britain' snapshot contest.
SEAGOON: Now, I wonder where ...
FX: Gong
SEAGOON: ... and his Chinese Eggery are?
BLUEBOTTLE: I have got a
ECCLES: Ohh!
SEAGOON: Let's see.
FX: Paper unfolding.
SEAGOON: Oh yes. Now, we're in this street here…
BLUEBOTTLE: (indignant)
We know dat!
SEAGOON: Now if we go up this street here and – AH!... there's
the Egg Refinery there.
ECCLES: Right, I'll knock.
FX: Knocking on door,
door opens.
CHINAMAN:[19] (Chinese gibberish) Yes, please?
SEAGOON: Are you Mr. ...
FX: Gong
CHINAMAN: No. I am not Mr. ...
FX: Gong
CHINAMAN: I am ...
FX: Higher-pitched gong
CHINAMAN: ... son of ...
FX: First gong
SEAGOON: Oh. Well we've got a complaint about your father's
eggs. You see this Chinaman here? He's really Ray Ellington.
CHINAMAN: No Chinaman can have name like Lay Ellington. I do
not believe.
SEAGOON: Ellington, prove it – while we nip round the back for
a chota pint of brandy.
ELLINGTON: (Chinese
accent) Al-light, cor blimey.
RAY ELLINGTON: 'Boom'
SEAGOON: There you are – living proof that he's Chinese.
CHINAMAN: (Chinese gibberish)
Yes indeed he lar Chinese. And now please, to follow me please.
GRAMS: Boots on pavement. (Extended)
SEAGOON: We can't stand here all day listening to a record of
footsteps.
CHINAMAN: Please sir, that record are number one on Chinese hit
parade.
SEAGOON: Really?
CHINAMAN: Yeah.
SEAGOON: How does it go?
CHINAMAN: (Sings)
Yamma tungha tiya taya toh.
Tukka nukka tayaya tiya tabhoiya
Yakkub – taya ma,
Ayagot mailuv to keep me warm. [20]
SEAGOON: You want to get it orchestrated.
CHINAMAN: I tell you – you come in here. Blad egg deplartment
in here please.
SEAGOON: (Cod-chinese) L'en
lopen lup la dloor.
FX: Door opens.
ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme with Chinese ending.
BLOODNOK: Ohhhohhohho! Ahohhohh! Oh, that's better. But these
fiendish Chinese eggs – some of them are bad I'll be bound.
SEAGOON: Major Bloodnok!
BLOODNOK: What? Me Major Bloodnok? It's a mistake – I'm Lai
Ying.[21]
SEAGOON: Of course you're lying. You’re Major Bloodnok.
BLOODNOK: What?
SEAGOON: I recognise that army-surplus pigtail.
BLOODNOK: Ohhhohhohh!
SEAGOON: So this is where they insert the yellow greasepaint
and the pigtails into the eggs, eh?
BLOODNOK: It's hell, I tell you Neddie. It's hell!
SEAGOON: Do you realise that Englishmen who are eating these eggs
are turning into Chinese? Whatever made you do this dastardly job?
BLOODNOK: Pain and agony, Neddie. Do you know what they did to
me – an Englishman?
SEAGOON: What?
BLOODNOK: The Chinese water torture.
SEAGOON: What's that?
BLOODNOK: They gave me a bath!
SEAGOON: Gad, it must have been hell in there!
BLOODNOK: It was. But I resisted, Neddie – I resisted! They had
to cut my socks away before they got me in.
SEAGOON: The inhuman devils! Here, rub this good old British
dirt round your neck – you'll feel better.
FX: Sandpaper scraping
rough surface.
BLOODNOK: (over) Ohho
– thank you. That's lovely! Ohhh… Ohhhohhhohh…
SEAGOON: Now, what's inside that door?
BLOODNOK: Wood.
SEAGOON: And behind it?
BLOODNOK: A room.
SEAGOON: Gad! Is there no end to their fiendish ingenuity. Like
Ted Ray...[22] Let's
go in.
FX: Door opens.
GRAMS: Animated crowd of Chinese.
SEAGOON: Dear listeners, I walked into a badly-lit room. And
there before us were twenty-five million Chinese in bowler hats, carrying
rolled umbrellas and copies of The Times.
BLOODNOK: Yes. Those are your missing Englishmen, Neddie.
SEAGOON: Gad! This must be the work of ...
FX: Gong
SEAGOON: ... and his son ...
FX: Thin gong.
FX: Door closes.
BLOODNOK: Ohhhohhohh! We're locked in.
ORCHESTRA: Terror chords
GRAMS: Water trickling – continue under scene.
BLOODNOK: Oh no – they're flooding the room as well Neddie.
SEAGOON: And with water.
BLOODNOK: Yes.
SEAGOON: (Shouts out)
Eccles! Bluebottle!
ECCLES: Yep.
SEAGOON: Swim for the ceiling!
GRAMS: Sounds of swimming.
CAST: (Struggling
sounds.)
BLOODNOK: It's no good. Look here, it's almost up to the roof.
SEAGOON: Then there's only one thing for it.
ECCLES: What?
SEAGOON: We've got to drink this water or drown.[23]
ECCLES: OK.
CAST: (Drinking
sounds.)
BLUEBOTTLE: Sip! Sip!
CAST: (More drinking
sounds.)
SEAGOON: Stretch it now.
ECCLES: I can't take much more, I tell you.
BLUEBOTTLE: Sip sip sip SIIIIP!
BLOODNOK: Look – we've drunk about eighty gallons and the
water's still rising.
SEAGOON: One of us must be leaking.
ECCLES: It me. I got a hole in my sock.
BLOODNOK: Look! There's a hole in the ceiling.[24]
SEAGOON: Splendid. Let's turn the room upside down and empty
it.
CAST: (Straining
sounds.)
GRAMS: Water draining down pipe.
GRAMS: Water stops.
SEAGOON: Saved by a hole in the ceiling.
FX: Door opens
SEAGOON: (Whispers)
Shh! Look who's come in! It's Grytpype and Moriarty.
BLOODNOK: Where?
SEAGOON: Up there on the floor.
GRYTPYPE: (off) What
are you doing up there on the ceiling?
SEAGOON: I've got news for you Mister Thynne – this room's
upside down.
MORIARTY: (off)
Sapristi!
GRYTPYPE: (off) What?
MORIARTY: (off) You
mean we're ...
GRYTPYPE & MORIARTY:
(approaching mic.) Ahhhhhh!
FX: Two bodies falling
to the floor
GRYTPYPE & MORIARTY:
Ohh! My splon!
GRYTPYPE: Curse this law of gravity! Who passed it?
SEAGOON: Sir Isaac Newton.
GRYTPYPE: I'll get him for this! I'll have you know Neddie that
I am ...
FX: Gong
SEAGOON: How do you spell it?
GRYTPYPE: You spell it ...
ORCHESTRA: Rapid sequence on drums, temple blocks and
bells, ending with cod duck call.
GRYTPYPE: But it's pronounced ...
FX: Gong
SEAGOON: Ah! So you were ...
FX: Gong
SEAGOON: ... all the time.
BLOODNOK: Quick Neddie, tie him to the chandelier while I keep
him covered with these measurements of Sabrina.[25]
ECCLES: Sabrina!
BLOODNOK: Yes.
SEAGOON: And take them to THE
POLICE!
ORCHESTRA: Chord in C. Cymbal snap.
SEAGOON: Thank you! That's all. Thank you! (Extended)
CAST: (Rapid interjections.)
GREENSLADE: Just a moment Mister Secombe. You haven't
told us what became of ...
FX: Gong
SEAGOON: Ah, simple. I successfully changed all the Chinese
back into Englishmen by giving them injections of Brown Windsor Soup, and
inhalations of soot, smoke and beans on toast.
ECCLES: But what happened to ...
FX: Gong?
SEAGOON: Oh, him? He's working for me at the moment. Come up
to our house for dinner any day, and you'll hear this sound…
FX: Gentle tapping on
gong.
FX: Tapping crescendos.
ORCHESTRA: Closing theme.
GREENSLADE: That was The Goon Show, a BBC recorded
programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the
Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott.
Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens, announcer Wallace Greenslade. The
program produced by Pat Dixon.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.
YTI 