SIX CHARLIES IN SEARCH OF AN AUTHOR
GOON SHOW: TLO 19238
7TH SERIES: No 13
BROADCAST: 26 Dec 1956 [1]
Script
by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens.
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Home Service.
SECOMBE: Wal – Walter Greenslade! Where do you get your
advance information from?
GREENSLADE: I
sit in the stranger’s gallery at Rowton House.[2]
SECOMBE: You’re no stranger to Rowton House. I see you there
every night.
GREENSLADE: So!
You’ve seen through my Sir William Rootes tramp disguise. [3]
SECOMBE: Yes, and the penalty is announcing the Goon Show.
GREENSLADE: Right. (Offhandedly)
The Goon Show.
SECOMBE: Hmm. It's hardly worth your while comin' here, is it
Wal?
GREENSLADE: Ah, my dear Secombe – there's much more
you know.
CAST: (Variously) Well
done! What? Eh?
GREENSLADE: Yes, because you see this week it's Jim Sprigg’s
immortal book…
CAST: Yes? Yes?
GREENSLADE: … “Six Charlies in Search of an Author”.
GRAMS: Recording of Sir William Walton’s Coronation
Fanfare – “Orb and Sceptre”. Vary the speed.[4]
FX: Typing under.
SPRIGGS: Thank you. (Typing)
Chapter One – Neddie meets Grytpype-Thynne.
SEAGOON: Good heavens! I'm supposed to meet Grytpype-Thynne in
chapter
one. I'd better hurry!
FX: Hurried knocking.
Door opens.
GRYTPYPE: Oh, you must be the charlie I'm supposed to meet in chapter
one.
SEAGOON: Correct.
GRYTPYPE: What a thrilling start.
SEAGOON: My name is Neddie Seagoon.
GRYTPYPE: There's one in every family.
SEAGOON: What what what what what what what what what what bwark
bwark bwark bwark… (Does chicken
impression.)
GRYTPYPE: Do you mind facing west when you do that – it gets
all over me. Now, to whom do I owe the pleasure of this nauseating visit?
SEAGOON: The author.
GRYTPYPE: Of course, of course! You must excuse me – I'm only
new in this book.
SEAGOON: I see. What part do you play?
GRYTPYPE: I'm a bone specialist.
SEAGOON: What do you want?
GRYTPYPE: Bones.
SEAGOON: (Gulps) I
haven't got any bones.
GRYTPYPE: Nonsense - nonsense! You'd fall down without them. You'd fall DOWN without
them.
SEAGOON: You'd fall down without THEM.
GRYTPYPE: YOU'D fall down without them.[5]I know
for a fact that you have a large number of them tucked away somewhere.
SEAGOON: Have you been prying into my family album of X-rays?
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty, tell him what you found.
MORIARTY: Ah – sapristi spon, I will! Mister Seagoon,[6]
we have a very compromising X-ray photograph of two sets of bones, yours – and
a lady's!
SEAGOON: It's a lie! We're just good friends! Ahem - how much
do you want for that X-ray?
GRYTPYPE: Ten pounds Neddie, to be paid in money before chapter
ten!
MORIARTY: Yes! And don't try and slip past us Neddie, because
we’ve got an armed man in the index!
SEAGOON: Curses! – so they're going to catch me by the index.
Oh dear readers, here am I, due to marry the beautiful millionairess Gladys Minkwater
in chapter eight. Before then I must get that compromising X-ray photograph
back. Ten pounds they want eh? (Laughs to
himself) Ha ha ha… Taxi!
GRAMS: Car pulls up.
SEAGOON: The nearest pawn shop. Put your foot down and keep the
flag up.
WILLIUM: Right, mate.
GRAMS: Car drives off at high speed. Explosion.
Rubble falling – masonry, glass.
WILLIUM: I got it mate. That's three bob on the clock.
SEAGOON: Right. Here's a pound for your trouble.
WILLIUM: I ain't got no trouble mate.
SEAGOON: You have now mate That pound's a forgery!
WILLIUM: (Going off) Owwww
mate! Oww!
FX: Door opens. Shop bell.
CRUN: Good morning sir. Welcome to chapter two.
SEAGOON: Thank you. Now, I should like to pawn myself.
CRUN: I'm sorry. We don't take antiques here sir.[7]
SEAGOON: Have a care, old prune-faced fossil. I'm not an
antique. Look – here's the date of my birth stamped on the bottom!
CRUN: Oh! This is a Welsh birthmark. Go up to the fourth floor,
room three.
SEAGOON: Right!
FX: Feet running up
flights of stairs. Extended.
SEAGOON: (Puffing and
groaning.) Ohh! Ahh! Fourth floor.
FX: Knocks on door. Door
opens.
CRUN: What is it sir?
SEAGOON: I'd like to pawn myself.
CRUN: Who sent you up here?
SEAGOON: You did.
CRUN: Then you've come to the right man. Get into this
lift.
GRAMS: Old fashioned lift doors shutting. Lift
descending.
BANNISTER: (Over grams) Going
down. Page eighteen… seventeen… page sixteen… (Sings) Yim bum biddle doh! …fifteen… Chapter one – Crun's
pawnshop. Seagoon enters and pawns himself. (Goes
off muttering) Oh, it's a very small part for me this week.
CRUN: Be satisfied Min you naughty thing.
SEAGOON: We're back where we started. What'd you send me up to
the fourth floor for?
CRUN: To get me.
SEAGOON: To get you! Wait a minute – how did you get up there
before me?
CRUN: (Laughing) He
he he! I skipped a couple of pages! (Laughs.
Asthma attack.)
SEAGOON: I've got a good mind to tell the author.
CRUN: No, no! Don't do that – he might have me killed off
in a later chapter.
SEAGOON: Now look Mister Crun, how much money will you give me
on me?
CRUN: Well, first I must scrutinize you with an intense
scrute. Just take your clothes off....[8]
SEAGOON: (Struggling) Hoh!
He! Hoh! Hoo! There!
CRUN: Now lie under this magnifying glass.
SEAGOON: Ooh! It's cold isn't it? Oo, there. How do I look?
CRUN: Oo. Even bigger! Just stand on these scales please.
GRAMS: Massive springs compressing. Stressed steal
groaning.
CRUN: Eighteen stone.
SEAGOON: Shall I put the other leg on now?
CRUN: As dead weight alone I'll offer you ten pounds. You'll
come in useful for filling in holes.
SEAGOON: Done!
CRUN: You certainly have been! (Laughs uproariously) Ha ha ha ha! Did you hear that joke, did you?
SEAGOON: Ten years ago. Now where's the money?
CRUN: There. Ten pounds in crisp green farthings.
SEAGOON: Ta. Goodbye!
CRUN: No, wait, wait! You can't go 'til someone comes to
redeem you.
SEAGOON: (Gulps)
What?
CRUN: Kindly step into this safe and Geldray – play me the
key. Hehe!
GELDRAY: Ploogee!
MAX GELDRAY “When the Red Red Robin Comes
Bob-bob-bobbing Along” [9]
FX: Typing under.
SPRIGGS: (Typing) “Six
Charlies in Search of an Author” folks. Chapter three – in which I see fit to
have the character Neddie Seagoon still inside Crun's fiendish pawnshop safe.
SEAGOON: (With echo) Yes
dear readers. Inside the safe all was dark. I took out a book of matches and
began to read it. Page one: “To ignite match, detach one and strike it against
bottom.”
FX: Cloth ripping.
SEAGOON: WHOOOP! By the light of my burning trousers I could
see that…
ECCLES: Put that light out! Put that light out my good man!
Put that… Ooh! Who put that light out? Who put that light out? Shut up Eccles! (Extended)[10]
SEAGOON: The idiot stranger was a complete idiot-stranger to
me. He was tall and clad in a cement sack with an outlet at the base. His legs were
neat and carefully pressed, and on his head he wore a rubber dinghy with a
hand-made cardboard peak.
ECCLES: Hallo Neddie. Have you pawned yourself?
SEAGOON: Yes. I'm pledge number thirty-two. Have you got a
pledge number?
ECCLES: No, no. I only pawned my socks.
SEAGOON: Oh. Then why don't you go home?
ECCLES: I can't get my boots off.
FX: Typing under.
SPRIGGS: (Typing) Chapter
four, in which Seagoon has a brilliant idea.
FX: Frantic banging on
door.
SEAGOON: Mister Crun, let me out! I have a brilliant idea.
CRUN: What is it?
SEAGOON: I want to redeem myself.
CRUN: Certainly.
FX: Door opens.
CRUN: Ten pounds please.
FX: Till. Money in
drawer.
SEAGOON: Now, to buy back that compromising X-ray photograph.
Where did I put that…? Ten pounds… That ten pounds… It's gone… I've been
robbed! What happens now Mister Greenslade? I must know.
GREENSLADE: Well you see, I hate peeking at the end of
the book, but in chapter seven, Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty ship the
compromising X-ray photograph in the plain wrapper to an art connoisseur in
ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme. Slow the last phrase down to
half speed.
BLOODNOK: Thank you boys. That just gave me time to smuggle her
out of the room.
FX: Door opening.
SEAGOON: Major Bloodnok!
BLOODNOK: (Fear) It's
a lie! Oohh! Naughty postcards? I've never heard of them I tell you! How dare
you come in here and offer me money for these postcards over there which are
not here![11]
SEAGOON: Major enough of this needle nardle noo!
BLOODNOK: Ooohhh!
SEAGOON: Major, please! For the compromising X-ray photo of
myself and a lady – how much do you want?
BLOODNOK: Ten thousand francs.
SEAGOON: (Swallows hard
– then faints.) AhhooooooOOOOooo!
BLOODNOK: He's fainted in the direction of ‘down’!
THROAT:[12] Yes
darling?
BLOODNOK: Help me lift him in the direction of ‘up’.
SEAGOON: Ooohup! I - I haven't got ten thousand francs.
BLOODNOK: WHAT? Throw him in the direction of ‘out’.
SEAGOON: Wait! I have got ten pounds…
BLOODNOK: Put him in the direction of ‘down’ again. Wait –
don't turn the page over yet. I recognize that wallet. It's young Private
Needle Seagoon, retired; my ex-batman and spon runner. Ohh!
GREENSLADE: Dear listeners, for the benefit of those
of you who do not know what a 'spon runner' is – neither do I. I just want you
to know that you are not alone – Wallace is one of you. And now chapter seven,
page seventy-two. Seagoon does not recognize Major Bloodnok.
SEAGOON: Major Bloodnok! I didn't recognize you in that false
room.
BLOODNOK: Well I was only wearing it to keep the rain off. I
wouldn't wear it out of doors of course.
SEAGOON: Let me help you off with it.[13]
FX: Door opens and
closes.
BLOODNOK: Thank you. Good heavens, we're outside and it's
raining in the direction of ‘down’.
SEAGOON: You'd better put your room on in the direction of ‘on’.
FX: Door opens and
closes.
BLOODNOK: Oh, that's better. It's much warmer with this
direction on. Now Neddie pull up a chair and sit down.
SEAGOON: I'd rather stand if you don't mind.
BLOODNOK: Oh well, pull up a floor then.
SEAGOON: Major please don't joke![14] I must
have that compromising X-ray photo.
BLOODNOK: Kuchni doing Edward – kuchni.[15] I can’t
help you I'm afraid. It's in that safe and Grytpype has the key and there's
nothing on this page we can open it with.
SEAGOON: Well, I'll write something in. Let's see…
FX: Typing under.
SEAGOON: (typing) “Looking
around the room that Bloodnok was wearing, Neddie's eye lit upon the following:
one eighteen-foot crowbar and one sledgehammer.”
BLOODNOK: What a splendid piece of descriptive writing! Now,
who's going to do all the work?
FX: Typing under.
SEAGOON: (typing)
“Without hesitation brave Bloodnok picked up the crowbar and began to force
open the safe.”
FX: Hammer on chisel.
BLOODNOK: (Exerting himself)
Oh you cad Edward! Making me do all that… Give me
that typewriter would you.
FX: Typing under.
BLOODNOK: (typing) “Neddie,
horrified at the sight of a retired Indian Army major labouring, snatched the
crowbar and set to work himself.”
FX: Hammer on chisel.
SEAGOON: (Exerting
himself) It's starting to give!
SPRIGGS: (Slightly off.)
Oww! You two characters – stop! Stop I say!
BLOODNOK: It's a copper.
SPRIGGS: I'm not a policeman!
BLOODNOK: I beg your pardon madam.
SPRIGGS: I'm not a policewoman either!
BLOODNOK: I say – you're cutting it rather fine aren't you?
SEAGOON: The newcomer was a small pair of pince-nez[16] spectacles,
clad in a writing desk with the drawers open.
SPRIGGS: Put a curb on your tongue fellow![17] I am
Jim Spriggs, author of this book. I put you in it.
SEAGOON: Right in it!
SPRIGGS: Silence!
BLOODNOK: Look here – if you're the author, couldn't you have
made me a little younger?
SPRIGGS: What?
BLOODNOK: I mean, in Chapter Three I met a delightful young
lady, but alas – me fires had gone out.
SPRIGGS: Do not worry. I've made sure you don't get any older.
On the next page you're run over by a steamroller lad!
SEAGOON: Mister author, I implore you! I've got to get the safe
open.
SPRIGGS: Fear not little Jim! Fear not little Jimmmmm! I’ll write
in a new character who will assist you.
FX: Typing under.
SPRIGGS: (typing) “The
door opened and a virile figure leapt into the centre of the room.”
BLUEBOTTLE: Hello Captain! Springes into centre of
room. SPRINGE!
SPRIGGS: Stay a moment, steaming lad. Did I write you in?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes!
SPRIGGS: It's no good. I shall have to go to the country for a
long rest.
FX: Door closes.
SEAGOON: Then who are you, little blotchy lad?
BLUEBOTTLE: I will show you. (Moves right keeping
hole in seat of trousers away from vulgar gaze of audience.) Now then – whip!
whip! whip! Takes off false boots revealing… false feet! [18]
ORCHESTRA: Thin chord. Cymbal snap.
SEAGOON: So that's who you are. Footo! [19]
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes! [20] Secret
agent Bluebottle – the mastermind behind the second Finchley wolf cubs!
SEAGOON: Yes – but can you blow open the safe?
BLUEBOTTLE: Just you watch me. (Puffs) No, I cannot blow it open. Wait a moment! I know what I
shall do. I shall insert my liquorice in the keyhole.
SEAGOON: But we need an explosive.
BLUEBOTTLE: Liquorice IS an explosive.[21]
SEAGOON: No! We daren't risk any loud explosions – the author
might hear us.
BLUEBOTTLE: I have got an idea. (Electric light bulb
lights up above head. Flash! Flash! Flash it goes.) I have got a packet of
silent TNT which I readed about in ‘Black Claw, Emperor of the Universe’, in
the boy's mag-costs-tuppence-with-free-elastic-and- cardboard-jet-fighter.
SEAGOON: Silent TNT! Quick – light it little pimply lad, and
put it under the safe.
ELLINGTON: No! No! No! Wait. First let me sing my bit then I can
clear off mate.
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET: ‘From the Bottom of my Heart’ [22]
SEAGOON: Right! Now light the fuse on the silent TNT!
GRAMS: Match being struck; hissing of fuse.
SEAGOON: Quick! Everyone out!
GRAMS: Massed boots running away.
SEAGOON: (Out of breath)
Wait!
ECCLES: What?
SEAGOON: We're still in the room!
BLOODNOK: Of course we are. I'm still wearing it.
SEAGOON: Quick! Get this room off… (Struggling sounds)[23]
FX: Door opening then
closing.
SEAGOON: That’s got it off. Now, come on chaps…
CAST: (Mumble,
mumble. Rhubarb, rhubarb. &c Fade)
GREENSLADE: Dear listeners, I don't know about you but
I find this all rather far-fetched, and as soon as it's all over I'm going to
tell John Snagge.
FLOWERDEW: (Scandalised) Oh,
you BBC devil you!
SEAGOON: Bluebottle - how do I know when the silent TNT has
exploded?
BLUEBOTTLE: Eh? I never thought of that. I suppose
that when you hear nothing – that's it.
SEAGOON: Can't anybody hear it explode?
BLUEBOTTLE: Only idiots.
GRAMS: Huge explosion. Aftershocks, falling debris.
BLUEBOTTLE: Did you hear anything Captain?
SEAGOON: No.
BLUEBOTTLE: Good, 'cause only idiots can hear
explosions like that.
FX: Running boots.
ECCLES: Here – what was that big explosion? It blew me
backwards out of my underpants! I'm back to front now – (for Christmas of
course.)[24]
SEAGOON: So you heard it too?
ECCLES: Yer.
BLOODNOK: No comment. Help me on with this room and we'll see
if the safe's blown open.
FX: Door opens.
MORIARTY: Hands up you steaming fools!
GRYTPYPE: Yes Neddie, that was only a recording of a silent
explosion, specially written in without the author's knowledge.
SEAGOON: Oh? Well, two can play at that game!
MORIARTY: What do you mean?
FX: Rapid typing under.
SEAGOON: (typing)
“Moriarty’s finger squeezed the trigger, but there was only a hollow… “
FX: Metallic thud.
MORIARTY: Sapristi! He's written in an empty gun for me!
GRYTPYPE: Never mind…
FX: Typing under.
GRYTPYPE: (typing) “Before
Seagoon could alter the next line, Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty were already on
the motorboat…
GRAMS: Fade in sound of motorboat engines.
GRYTPYPE: … speeding up the
SPRIGGS: What's going on here, Jim? (Sings) What’s going on heeeere? What are those men doing sailing
up the
BLOODNOK: Hands up Mister author!
SPRIGGS: What? Oh you great big leaping crab you – don't be a
fool! Drop that typewriter.
FX: Typing under.
BLOODNOK: (Typing) “The
author turned and left the room.”
FX: Door slams.
BLOODNOK: There! That's got rid of him.
SEAGOON: Now what?
BLUEBOTTLE: Can I have a go at that typewriter,
Captain?
FX: Slow typing under.
BLUEBOTTLE: (Types
very slowly) “In a matter of seckatons, Blunebottons was at the helm of a powerful
elastic-driven speedboat, chasing the naughty Grytpype Thynnes up the Amadon.
But suddenly they was attacked by Black Claw and his Chinese pirates from the
boy’s mag!”[25]
GRAMS:
SEAGOON: You blithering idiot! Look what you've written us
into. Quick, swim for the bank!
BLOODNOK: Not there – I'm overdrawn.
GRAMS: Splashes.
ECCLES: ‘Ere! Let me help you out.
SEAGOON: Eccles! How did you get ashore?
ECCLES: I walked across on that log.
SEAGOON: That's not a log – that's a crocodile!
ECCLES: Ooooo. I wondered why my legs kept getting’ shorter.
GREENSLADE: Listeners will note that that was a repeat
of the joke first heard in the Goon Show, second series, nineteen-fifty-two, repeated
by special request of the authors. I should like to remind listeners that there
are now only three-hundred and sixty-four shopping days to Christmas.
SEAGOON: Good heavens! We must hurry!
CRUN: Water! Water!
SEAGOON: Mister Crun! How did you get out here?
CRUN: Somebody gave Min a typewriter and here I am!
SEAGOON: Well – we're completely lost.
BLOODNOK: I suspect the listeners are too.
SEAGOON: We must find our way to chapter ten. That's where Grytpype's
heading for. Come on, and keep your eyes open for a two eleven-A bus.
ECCLES: What for?
SEAGOON: It goes right past Brixton gaol.[26]
CRUN: Why do you want to go right past there?
SEAGOON: Well, I don't want to go IN.
SPRIGGS: (Approaching) Seagoon!
Oh Seagoon!
SEAGOON: It's the author!
BLOODNOK: Thank heavens. I say look here, could you write us in
a good dinner – we're starving you know.
SPRIGGS: Don't worry steaming lads. I've written a happy
ending for you all on the next page. So go on – (sings) turn it oveeerrrr.
FX: Page turning.
GRAMS:
ARCHBISHOP CYRIL: I now pronounce you Neddie Seagoon and
you Gladys Minkwater man and wife, and leave you to discover which is which.
SEAGOON: Oh, and we live happily ever after!
FX: Slow typing under.
BLUEBOTTLE: (Typing)
“But even as Seagoon and his mullionairess bride stepped outside she
noticed in the crowd a certain handsome virile youth – wolf cub Bluebottle. So
she ran over to his car and... “
GRAMS: Car speeding up and driving away.
SEAGOON: Who gave him that typewriter? (Shouts out) Come back! You're too young for that sort of thing!
BLUEBOTTLE: (off)
That's what you think! Yeeheehee!
ORCHESTRA: Closing theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded
programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, and Spike Milligan, with the
Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray, and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott.
Script by Spike Milligan, and Larry Stephens, announcer Wallace Greenslade. The
program produced by Pat Dixon.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.
YTI 