THE FLEA
GOON SHOW: TLO 18731
7TH SERIES: No 12
RECORDED: 20 Dec 1956 [1]
by Spike Milligan and Larry
Stephens
GREENSLADE: This is the
BBC Light Programme. Ladies and gentlemen – The Goon Show.
GRAMS: Peter plays piano introduction. (Extended) [2]
SEAGOON: Gad! Didn't
that music do something to you Wallace?
GREENSLADE: No, but I'd
like to do something to that music.
SEAGOON: What? You
realise of course you're talking of Peter Sellers the world's greatest outdoor
pianist? Did you hear that build up I gave you Mr Sellers? I say…
SELLERS: Motor-car impression.
SEAGOON: Don't tell me
you're down to that in motorcars?[3]
SELLERS: No. I've just
ordered a new super-strong, reversal, senna-pod [4],
twelve horse power convertible. I was only making that noise until it arrived –
then it can do it for me. (Further car
noises.)
SEAGOON: How jolly for
you Fred Sellers. Now if you'll kindly stop sticking pins in that clay model of
Lew Grade [5],
we'll presood [6]
with the hern hern and the hern. This week the play is entitled...
ORCHESTRA: Tremendously
grandiloquent, epic orchestral introduction.
SEAGOON: I've
forgotten what it was now.
GREENSLADE: Allow me! Allow
me you silly little nit. We present – “The Flea”. (Sings in Handelian style) Oh oh oh “The Flea”. Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh oh, “The
Flea”.[7]
ORCHESTRA: Four bars of raunchy play-out.
GREENSLADE: The year – sixteen
sixty-five. Sixteen sixty-five? Good heavens – I must hurry! I'll miss my bus.
FX: Quill on parchment.
SEAGOON: (Writing diary) Third of December
sixteen sixty-five.[8]
Did rise betide. Finding much snow without did put on my belly binder and warm
knees. Sported thereafter with Mrs Fitzsimmonds and did hie [9]
me later to Ward's coffee house to break my fast.
ORCHESTRA: Tatty fanfare and cymbal snap.
GRAMS: Background chatter
as in coffee house.
FLOWERDEW: Oh, good morrow
Master Pepys. Cappuccino?
SEAGOON: No – just
coffee Daisy.
FLOWERDEW: Black or
white?
SEAGOON: White – with
a dahsh of milk.
FLOWERDEW: (A real screamer) Oh ho ho! You tease!
SEAGOON: Now, with
whom can I make gossip this chilly morn? I see nobody though, and nobody sees
me. What a coincidence! Egad. Ye spon, to be sure. Hern hern. Hi diddle dee.
Needle nardle noo. Splin splan splon. Ying tong iddle-i-po! And remember –
you've got to go OWWW![10]
GRYTPYPE: How very
interesting that was.
SEAGOON: I'm sorry – I
didn't see you standing in that coffee pot!
GRYTPYPE: I know. We
had the lid down.
SEAGOON: We? Where's
your friend?
GRYTPYPE: He's up the
spout.
MORIARTY: OWW. You got
to go OWW!
SEAGOON: Ye cod![11]
He's just been OWW’d.
GRYTPYPE: Yes, it's all
the rage! Now – er, have these two seats been taken?
SEAGOON: No, there
still here! Hahahaha! (Laughs long and
loudly) Ha hum.
GRYTPYPE: A charlie.
SEAGOON: What? What?
What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?
What? What? Bwark! Bwark! Bwark! (Clucks)
GRYTPYPE: I was only nearly
saying that the other day. This is my friend Count Jim 'Thighs' Moriarty.
MORIARTY: OWW.
SEAGOON: A German
diplomat is always welcome in
MORIARTY: What?
Sapristi gnuckles! Hairy insult. You insult me – a Frenchman! We must fight a
duel.
GRAMS: Two pistol shots.
MORIARTY: Honour is
satisfied!
SEAGOON: And so am I!
ORCHESTRA: Tatty chord in C –
cymbal snap.
MORIARTY: Hoi!
GRYTPYPE: Sir, you will
excuse this steaming
SEAGOON: Oh! I can't
see a French Count sleeping in the street.
MORIARTY: Of course not
– I've got up now! OWWW! OWWW! OWW!
GRYTPYPE: He's just been
OWWW again!
SEAGOON: I should like
to accommodate you for the night but...
MORIARTY: We accept!
GRYTPYPE: I second
that! Moriarty – go and pack the jam tins.
FX: Quill on parchment.
SEAGOON: (Writing) Did return home with the two
gentlemen. Did not sport with Mrs Fitzsimmonds owing to the cold weather and
the presence French Count and his manager who occupied my second best bed.
GRYTPYPE: You heard
that nice gentleman Moriarty. Put on your second best pyjamas.
MORIARTY: OWWOWW...
GRYTPYPE: There he goes
again – he never thinks of anything else these days. By the way Moriarty, did
you notice the brass name plate on our host's door?
MORIARTY: Yes! I've got
it here.
GRYTPYPE: You clever
little vandal you! You see what it says – “Samuel Pepys, Secretary to the Navy”.
We couldn't have picked a better Charlie for our plan.
MORIARTY: Hoiooioioioo!
Owwwowoww! Sapristi knuckles! If it works we'll get rich beyond the Dreams of Olwyn![12]
Oweeoww! The money! The moolah! The grisby! (Fiscally epileptic) Owwweee oww oww oww… Oww…[13]
GRYTPYPE: He's going to
have one of his turns again.
SEAGOON: Is he?
GRYTPYPE: Yes!
SEAGOON: I better go
then.
FX: Door closes briskly.
MORIARTY: He's gone!
GRYTPYPE: Yes! Now –
where's Françoise the flea?
MORIARTY: Françoise the
flea is inside my sock. He likes to travel on foot. Hoihoio hohoho! Hoi!
GRYTPYPE: Now Moriarty,
are you sure this flea is reliable?
MORIARTY: Reliable? Mon
repos![14]
This flea has bitten all the crowned heads of
GRYTPYPE: You mean that
this flea has royal blood?
MORIARTY: Oui, oui.
GRYTPYPE: In that case
he might be fussy. We shall have to blindfold him – he must never know who he's
biting. Let's have a look at him...
MORIARTY: I'll just
unchain him. Voila!
GRYTPYPE: Mm! Let's see
him jump.
MORIARTY: Françoise,
hup!
FX: Pogo spring effect.
MORIARTY: (Over) Steady, steady. Save your energy
boy. Save it! Steady, steady. Woooaa.
GRYTPYPE: I see he
favours the western roll.[15]
Now action Moriarty! Chain him to your nightshirt.
MORIARTY: Right!
FX: Chains.
GRYTPYPE: Now during
the night on a given signal, Françoise will bite you...
MORIARTY: OWW – I'm too
young!
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty, the
reward will be great. You'll be able to retire Françoise to stud on a dog of
his own. He'll be able to go…
MORIARTY: OWW.
GRYTPYPE: Thank you.
Now off you go to ninny byes while I strum Max Geldray.
MAX GELDRAY – “Oh Lady Be Good” [16]
MORIARTY: Thank you.
And now... (Agony) Ooooiohohooo! My
pectorals!
FX: Door opening.
SEAGOON: What ails my
merry screaming guests?
GRYTPYPE: Mr Pepys – the
Count Jim 'Thighs' Moriarty has been bitten by one of your English fleas.
MORIARTY: Yes. This
means war!
SEAGOON: A physick on
you! There are no fleas in my house.
GRYTPYPE: No? Moriarty
bend down and show the gentleman the bites.
SEAGOON: Nonsense!
This bedding is flea free – it's burnt twice a day.
GRYTPYPE: Oh! Then
what's this on the sheets?
SEAGOON: Let me see...
(Reads) Siberian Railways.
MORIARTY: Proof
positive! No wonder there's fleas.
GRYTPYPE: Master Pepys
I must warn you. Anything you take down will be up-rooted, replanted in
ORCHESTRA: Tatty chord – cymbal
snap.
FX: Quill on parchment.
SEAGOON: (Writing) Fifth of December. Did sport
with Mrs Fitzsimmonds and then – to the law courts.
ORCHESTRA: Tuning on A.
FX: Gavel on bench.
ELLINGTON: Silence!
Silence in court! The court will now rise for the Lord Chief Justice, Jim
Spriggs.
OMNES: (Murmurs) Rhubarb! Rhubarb! Rhubarb!
SPRIGGS: Please! Be
seated please. The case is Count Jim 'Thighs' Moriarty, Minister without Underpants,
versus the British Crown with underpants. Will the plaintiff open the
case?
GREENSLADE: (French) My lord, we claim damages of forty thousand
golden crowns for a savage attack by an English flea residing under the roof of
Monsieur Samuel Pepys, Secretary to the Navy.
SPRIGGS: Oh. (Well
acted!) Now then – what is a Navy?
SEAGOON: A Navy my
Lord, is an army entirely surrounded by water.
SPRIGGS: Silence!
Silence please or I'll have the court cleared.
SECOMBE: (Raspberry)
SPRIGGS: Thank you
very much. Now then, what makes you think the British Crown should pay for this
flea bite?
GRYTPYPE: It was a
British flea my Lord.
SEAGOON: My Lord! I
object. I move that the flea's nationality be proven before this case proceeds.
SPRIGGS: Agreed. Call
the flea!
ELLINGTON: The flea!
USHER 1:[17] (Off) The flea!
USHER 2:[18] (Off) The flea!
GRAMS: Coconut shells
approaching rapidly.
WILLIUM: (Over above) Wooooa! Wooa mate. Woooa-ooh-oh!
SPRIGGS: Great Jupiter
– mate. Is that thing a flea?
WILLIUM: No. It's an
'orse mate.
SPRIGGS: A horse?
WILLIUM: Yern.
SPRIGGS: Take his hat
off. You're right – it is a horse. Where’s the flea?
WILLIUM: He's on the
'orse, mate. I thought he'd get ‘ere quicker that way you see.
SPRIGGS: I see. Now
then as he's not riding side saddle I presume he's a male flea?
WILLIUM: Yes…
SPRIGGS: Will the flea
raise his right leg and swear to tell the truth?
FX: Spring effect.
SPRIGGS: Thank you.
Now Mr Pepys, will you please take the flea in the palm of your right hand and
see if you can identify him?
SEAGOON: My lord! I
can honestly say I have never seen this flea before in my life. I claim that he
is a foreigner!
OMNES: (Excited murmurs) Rhubarb, rhubarb!
Rhubarb, rhubarb! Rhubarb, rhubarb!
MORIARTY: (Aside) Grytpype, suppose they discover Françoise
is French?
GRYTPYPE: Impossible! I
destroyed his passport I tell you.
SPRIGGS: Silence! It
is the opinion of this court that the flea will remain in custody while a
description of him is circulated to Interpol.
GREENSLADE: Dear
listeners, I spring forward at this moment to mention to those of you who have
not been in jug on the continent, that Interpol is an international
organisation of policemen. I do hope you find these little snippets of information
helpful. If they are then my job has been well worthwhile.
ORCHESTRA: Tatty chord with cymbal snap.
GREENSLADE: And now – “The
Flea” part two in which Moriarty and Grytpype hie them to a flea circus with a
plan.
GRAMS: Carousel organ. Hucksters.
Crowd noises. Continue under.
BANNISTER: Roll up! Roll
up!
CRUN: See the
greatest Flea Circus on earth!
BANNISTER: Every one
hand picked buddy.
CRUN: Come and see
War and Peace done by a cast of fleas! Flea dialogue with human subtitles
BANNISTER: Roll up. Roll
up you people.....
GRYTPYPE: (Low) Did you hear that Moriarty? A Flea
Circus.
MORIARTY: Yes. Let's go
and buy one quickly.
GRYTPYPE: Buy one? What
do you think I've brought this dog along for?
MORIARTY: Explain to me
– and the listeners.
GRYTPYPE: We're going
to look for a British flea with exactly the same markings as Françoise…
MORIARTY: … and then we
change them over!
GRYTPYPE: There goes
the plot listeners. Come, let's go and reccè.
ORCHESTRA: Snare drum roll. Cymbal snap.
CRUN: (Ring master) Ladies and gentlemen, the
hero of tonight's performance of War and Peace is the wonder flea – star of knee, thigh, and chest, who has just
returned from a highly successful tour of Mrs Fitzsimmonds. Here he is – “Little
Jim!”
GRAMS: Dogs barking.
FX: Spring effect. Continue.
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty,
hand me those lorgnettes. What luck! Little Jim is the living image of
Françoise – even to the scar on his chin.
MORIARTY: What now?
GRYTPYPE: After the
performance, we take this shaggy dog backstage. No flea could resist a ride on
a dog like this.
GREENSLADE: (Breaking in.) Er – excuse me please.
Excuse me. Just a moment. Excuse me please. Ladies and gentlemen, at this stage
the BBC are concerned about the possibility of this show causing listeners some
– um, irritation. I should like to state therefore that there are no real fleas
taking part in this programme. The parts of all the fleas are taken by small
grasshoppers painted black.
SEAGOON: 'Ave you
done?
GREENSLADE: Yes.
SEAGOON: Thank you.
FX: Quill on parchment.
SEAGOON: (Writing) December the sixth. Did sport
with Mrs Fitzsimmonds and being suspicious of Grytpype Thynne I did place two
stalwart guards outside the accused fleas cell in Newgate Prison.
GRAMS: Jangling keys. Slow
pacing footsteps.
FX: Spring effect. Continue behind.
BLUEBOTTLE: Have you ever
guarded a flea before Eccles?
ECCLES: No – this is
the first big job I had. Just a minute... (Slightly
off mic.) Hoi!
FX: Loud spring.
ECCLES: That made him
jump! Did you hear that? (Raves)
BLUEBOTTLE: You're a
naughty cruel thing Eccles! You should not do that – you may have fleas of your
own one day.
ECCLES: Oohhh, I'm
sorry Bottle.
BLUEBOTTLE: Lance
Corporal Bottle to you!
ECCLES: Sorry,
Lance-Corporal-Bottle-to-you.
BLUEBOTTLE: I should
jolly’d well think so too. Stand to cardboard attention. Chin up! Chest in!
ECCLES: Arrgh! It
hurts!
BLUEBOTTLE: (To himself) Thinks – I will teach this
naughty man a lesson. (Calls) Eccles?
ECCLES: Yeah?
BLUEBOTTLE: Raise right
leg!
ECCLES: O.K.
BLUEBOTTLE: Now raise
left leg!
ECCLES: Right.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ohhhh! How is
it that you got three legs Eccles?
ECCLES: 'Cause the
fourth one fell off.
BLUEBOTTLE & ECCLES: (Extended laughing)
ECCLES: Wait a
minute! What are you laughing at?
BLUEBOTTLE: I don't like
to be left behind. Well, we've given them enough Terrance Rattigan type
dialogue.[19]
It's time to exercise our flea-type prisoner. Private Eccles – open flea pit!
GRAMS: Key jangling in
lock. Squeak of rusty hinge.
ECCLES: Here – do you
think it's safe to take his leg shackles off?
BLUEBOTTLE: Do not worry
Eccles. I will keep him covered with this flea powder.
ECCLES: O.K. Well,
I'll run the flea round the yard on his lead.
FX: Spring effect. Vary the intensity.
ECCLES: (Over) Oh! Oh! Steady! Wooah! Wooah! Stop
– wooah! Steady now.
BLUEBOTTLE: Eeoeah! Eccles,
don't let him come near me. I don't want to be bited. I'm an East Finchley-type
boy and there are no fleas in
GREENSLADE: Listeners – we
should like to reassure you once again that at no stage in this drama do
genuine fleas take part. Before commencing it, all actors were searched by John
Snagge. To allow you to relax, here is Ray Ellington and his D.D.T. quartet.
RAY ELLINGTON - 'You do something to me' [20]
ORCHESTRA: Short extract of “1812 Overture”. [21]
SEAGOON: Eighteen twelve?
And in sixteen sixty five! Hahahaha! So much for humour. Well now…
FX: Quill on parchment.
SEAGOON: (Writing) December the splon. Did sport
with Mrs Fitzsimmonds. Suddenly...
FX: Door opens.
BLUEBOTTLE: Captain –
Mister Pepys! I… Hello Mrs Fitzsimmonds… Captain, two men crept up on us from
behind and overpowered us with a quarter of Pontefract cakes. [22]
SEAGOON: They nearly
had you on the run!
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes! Then,
thinking that [23] they
had made us unconscious with the dreaded Prontelfracts, they switched fleas and
made off with our one! Hello Mrs. Fitzsimmonds.
SEAGOON: So!
Moriarty's flea was a foreigner. We must stop it leaving the country or
the crown will loose the case. To the Military!
BLUEBOTTLE: To the
Millintry! Goodbye Mrs Fitzsimmonds.
ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme – double
quick.
BLOODNOK:
Ooooohooohoooo! Ohhohooo! Oooh you caught me out then lads, you did!
FX: Quick door knocks.
BLOODNOK: Ooohohhoo! (Aside) Go out the back Mrs Fitzsimmonds
dear. (Calls out) Come in!
FX: Door opening.
SEAGOON: Ah, Major
Bloodnok. Helllooo Mrs Fitzsimmonds! Any signs of these men with the fugitive
flea?
BLOODNOK: No, no, no.
SEAGOON: It's not good
enough, Major. Are your men reliable?
BLOODNOK: What! My men
reliable? My...? Captain Caruthers – tell him.
CARUTHERS: (Stammering) Ahhh, well er… they are…
er, our men sir are… you see, er… well
I… I… I suppose they are… well um… you ahhhhhhhhhahhhhhhhh. [24]
BLOODNOK: Well Seagoon
– does that answer your question?
SEAGOON: I can't
remember the question was.
CARUTHERS: Neither can
I.
SEAGOON: Thank you.
BLOODNOK: Thank you.
SEAGOON: Excuse me a
moment Major!
CARUTHERS: What!?
FX: Door opens and closes.
FX: Quill on parchment.
SEAGOON: (Writing) Did retire to adjacent room
where did briefly sport with Mrs Fitzsimmonds.
FX: Door opens and closes.
SEAGOON: Well now
Major Bloodnok, we suspect that the foreign flea might be an exact replica of
the flea I've got in this horse box.
BLOODNOK: Oooh! What
cunnnnning!
ELLINGTON: Er, excuse me
Major. A company of my highlanders have caught two men trying to slip past on a
banana skin.
BLOODNOK: Bring them in
McGregor!
SEAGOON: How did he
get in a Scottish regiment?
BLOODNOK: He lied about
his age.
ELLINGTON: Come on! Come
on you two there! Get in here you two scoundrels!
MORIARTY & GRYTPYPE: (Variously) Stop pushing us! OWWW!
MORIARTY: Take your
filth hand of my filthy neck.
ELLINGTON: Make one
false step and I'll report you to Victor Silvester![25]
SEAGOON: That's him! I
recognise him by his...
MORIARTY: OWW!
SEAGOON: Now – where's
that French flea?
GRYTPYPE: Outside on a
sheepdog.
FX: Door opens.
GRAMS: Massed
barking dogs.
SEAGOON: Ah! Forty
long-haired sheepdogs! Which one is he on?
BLOODNOK: I'll soon find
him in a military way. Dogs – from the right, number!
GRAMS: Six different
pitched barks, then a seventh dog who yelps.
BLOODNOK: That's the
one! Search him!
FX: Spring effect.
BLOODNOK: Now into the
dustbin with him.
FX: Lid on dustbin.
SEAGOON: There! Got
him! Well Grytpype – hahahaha, this is the end of your nefarious career!
GRYTPYPE: Yes, and
yours!
SEAGOON: (Gradually getting higher and higher) What?
What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What… (Normal voice) What do you mean?
GRYTPYPE: Mr Pepys,
we've found a diary. Let me read you a sample extract. (Reads) “December the third. Whilst the King was away, did sport
madly with Nell Gwyn”.[26]
SEAGOON: (Swallows) Oh come chaps – you're
joking! Hahaha! Let's forget everything eh? Let’s go OWW together! (Laughs)
MORIARTY: Yes, for one
thousand pounds.
SEAGOON: OOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
GRYTPYPE: He’s just
been OWWWWWWWWWWWW!
ORCHESTRA: Closing theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the
Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme, featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe,
and Spike Milligan. With the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray, and the
orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan, and Larry
Stephens, announcer Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Pat Dixon.
YTI
