THE TELEPHONE
GOON
SHOW: TLO 17963
7TH
SERIES: No 11
RECORDED:
13 Dec 1956 [1]
Script
by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens.
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC home service.
SEAGOON: I say Greenslade – that's a bit near the
knuckle!
GREENSLADE: Never mind Mister Seagoon, never mind.
Comfort yourself with the leading part in this daring sex drama entitled – “The
Telephone."
MILLIGAN: Sinful!
ORCHESTRA: Bright and brassy version of the first
couple of bars of “A Life on the Ocean Wave.”
SELLERS: Act one, scene one; the North London GPO
telephone managers office.
FX: Phone
rings
SPRIGGS: What's that Jim?
JIM NASIUM: A telephone Tom.
SPRIGGS: Oh! So they've installed one at last
Jim. Call a meeting of all the people we keep specially for meetings, and make
it three o'clock.
JIM NASIUM: Right. I'll put the hands forward sir.
GRAMS: Clock mechanism winding. Bell strikes three
times.
OMNES: (Variously)
Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb.
SPRIGGS: Silence members of the rhubarb society!
Gentlemen, this first meeting of the telephone managers will be presided over
in his new underpants by Mister Jusper Bus at six-four-ten.
BUS: [2] Thank you. Thank you. Settle down. First
I’ll read this telegram ‘ere what I’ve got. It says “Good luck,” and it’s
signed Doctor Hill.[3] One of our lads has done very well since
he came up doing his turn on the wireless.
SPRIGGS: Now then - who's next Jim?
FLOWERDEW: Me, and I’m bursting. I’m the area
manager for Uxbridge so there!
ORCHESTRA: Tatty
chord in C. Cymbal snap.
FLOWERDEW: Shut up! I’m in enough trouble as it is…
There's somebody in my district who wants a phone.
OMNES: (Variously)
Good heavens! Alarm! Alarm! Rhubarb! Rhubarb! etc
FLOWERDEW: And what’s more he wants a coloured one!
SPRIGGS: What colour telephone does this fellow
want?
FLOWERDEW: Black! It’s sickening.
SPRIGGS: Have you got the name of this sensual,
pleasure loving devil?
FLOWERDEW: Henry Albert Sebastopol Queen Victoria
Crun!
SPRIGGS: Disgusting!
FLOWERDEW: I've held him off for eight years but my
supplies of our printed refusal cards is running so low. The things they use
them for, I tell you…
GREENSLADE: Ah, may I interrupt here gentlemen?
SPRIGGS: You have! You have interrupted.
GREENSLADE: I happen to know that Mister Crun is the
inventor of the black telephone.
BUS: Rubbish! Argy bargy. What about Edison
Bell?
GREENSLADE: Edison Bell sir invented the brown
telephone.
SPRIGGS: Gentlemen, if we know what's good for us
we'll give this chap Crun a telephone immediately.
ORCHESTRA: Bright and brassy version of the first
couple of bars of “A Life on the Ocean Wave.” (as before)
SEAGOON: Hello listeners! The job of installing
Crun’s phone fell to me – Ned Seagoon!
ORCHESTRA: Bright and brassy link as before.
SEAGOON: Yes. Thank you! As you've guessed by
that tune I was the senior outdoor line layer, Uxbridge area.
GREENSLADE: That is quite true. Seagoon had just
finished a brilliant military career by climbing over the wall in Aldershot.[4] He arrived at Mister Crun’s house.
FX: Knocks.
Door opens.
GRYTPYPE: Oh, good morning postman. Three pints
please.
SEAGOON: No, no, no. You don't understand. I've
come to install a black telephone.
GRYTPYPE: (Short
pause) Four pints and a small brown.
SEAGOON: I'm sorry. I've only got a large black.
MORIARTY: Owwwww. A large black? Sapristi pompet! What
type talking are you doing there?
SEAGOON: I'm from the GPO.
MORIARTY: We have nothing to hide.
GRYTPYPE: And we have nothing to show either. But
do come in gpo. You'll pardon the mess, we can't help it really – we're
bachelors you know.
SEAGOON: I see. Why don't you get married?
GRYTPYPE: I would but Moriarty doesn't love me.
SEAGOON: Ha hum. Are you Mister Crun?
GRYTPYPE: No I'm Grytpype Thynne, criminal by
appointment to the royal household cavalry.
MORIARTY: Owwwww.
SEAGOON: Really? Why are you living in a hole in
the ground?
GRYTPYPE: Something to do with the shortage of
money you know.
SEAGOON: Ohh. Mister Crun’s moved then?
GRYTPYPE: Yes, to seventeen-A Africa.
SEAGOON: (Taking
note) Seventeen-A Africa. Can I get there down the Finchley Road?
GRYTPYPE: Eventually yes.
SEAGOON: I had better write that down. E. V. E.
N. C. H. E. W. chew, A. L. Y. “Eventually”. Right, goodbye!
MORIARTY: Come back little boiling bubble! Listen
to me. Before you go to seventeen-A Africa, would you take this suspicious
looking brown paper parcel wrapped in string and tied with newspaper?
SEAGOON: Certainly. Okay Willium - seventeen-A
Africa and step on it!
GRAMS: A couple of boots walking smartly across
wooden floor. Speed it up..
GREENSLADE: Eight months later.
GRAMS: African native camp. Masai drums, feet
stomping, rhythmic clapping. Ellington over. Eccles under. Fade in two pairs of
boots on wooden floorboards approaching.
WILLIUM: Oh 'ere, mate – I’m nearly shagged out
‘ere I am. You sure we're still in the Finchley Road?
SEAGOON: (panting)
Of course. Now let us see – we've used forty-eight thousand miles of cable.
Willium, you'd better nip back to Acton for another telegraph pole.
WILLIUM: Oh, mate – I'm fed up going back. Port comes
only from Prortingal you know.[5] It's dark when I gets home at night and
as soon as I gets back I has to turn 'round and cycle like the clappers to get back
here in the morning again.
SEAGOON: Yes, yes – I see. It does seem a long
way out here. Perhaps we should ask our way. Pardon me?
GELDRAY: Sorry boy. I'm a stranger 'round here.
Plugeee.
WILLIUM: Cor – Max Geldray! Blimey, I'm off...
MAX GELDRAY "Ain't Misbehavin” [6]
GRAMS: Distant native drums. Fade and hold behind.
FX: Nib
on parchment. Continue under.
TRADER HORN: [7] (Writing)
As Neddie staggered blindly through Africa – at the extreme end of the
Finchley Road, he little knew he was within a telephone call’s throw of the
British telephone supply depot at Umgala.
ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme.
BLOODNOK: Owwww! Aarghh! Owwwah! Well I can't sit
here all day.
ABDUL: (Approaching)
Sahib! Sahib! Sahib! Sahib! A palladium-type comic-type gentleman has just
collapsed in a heap outside.
BLOODNOK: I know. I tripped over that heap myself
only this morning. Now lift up his wig and let Val Parnell have a look at him.[8]
SEAGOON: (Unconscious)
Ahhhhrouuu, owwww!
BLOODNOK: Steady lad. Abdul – medical attention. Fan
him with a thermometer and put a copy of the Lancet under his head.
SEAGOON: Arggoooh, ooouuuh!
ABDUL: Oh, goodness gracious European-type
seriousness. He is seriously unconscious Major.
BLOODNOK: No wonder! I'll just lift that heavy
wallet off him…
FX: Bank
notes being counted.
BLOODNOK: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven,
eight… thirty-three, thirty-five,
thirty-eight, thirty-nine… No
wonder! There were forty pounds pressing on his chest. Now we'll restore the
circulation in his arms with the toad ointment.[9] Just put this pen in his hand and run it
lightly over this cheque – there.
SEAGOON: Ahhhh! Ohh! Where am I?
BLOODNOK: In the red.
SEAGOON: Thank heavens! A British bank manager.
BLOODNOK: He delirious. Hold him down while I
force this brandy between my lips.
GRAMS: Bubbles
in vast cauldron.
BLOODNOK: Yes – you look much better now lad.
SEAGOON: So do you.
BLOODNOK: Now – if you'll pardon me, I'll just
stand in this hole facing north.[10]
SEAGOON: Why?
BLOODNOK: It's all the rage you know.
SEAGOON: Gad, it must be hell in there!
BLOODNOK: Further down it is.
BLOODNOK: Now lad, what brings you to the steaming
hell of Africa from the steaming hell of Finchley?
SEAGOON: I'm looking for the inventor of the black
telephone.
BLOODNOK: Ah, that's Crun. Henry Crun. So you're
looking for that cool, high stepping fool are you? Him and his sensual
Caucasian knee dancing. That's how he tempted poor Minnie away from me. Ohh,
Min!
SEAGOON: Ah, come now Major Dennis please. Dry
your tears on this marble statue of a handkerchief.
BLOODNOK: Thank you. Poor Min – abducted in the
prime of her twilight. Oh, it's a long story. I remember it all started on the
road to Mandalay, (sings) where the
flying fishes play and…[11]
SEAGOON: Yes, yes, yes, yes! But that's your
pigeon.
BLOODNOK: So it is! How did it get out? Abdul, take
this pigeon away and bring me a clothes brush!
SEAGOON:[12] Major, a simple question. Where is
seventeen-A Africa?
BLOODNOK: Seventeen-A? You're on the wrong side of
the continent. Odd numbers are right over on the other side.
SEAGOON: Well could you let me have two white hunters
and a safari to escort me?
BLOODNOK: For a consideration.
FX: Cash
register. Coin in till.
BLOODNOK: Thank you. You'll find them encamped in
a hole in the ground at Corwatadonga!
SEAGOON: Right. Goodbye Major.
BLOODNOK: (Calls
after him) Remember – tonight is Henry Hall’s guest night.[13]
SEAGOON: Splendid. I’ll wear evening dress and
ear-plugs.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic safari link.
GREENSLADE: Sitting over an all night camp fire
awaiting the arrival of Seagoon, sit two all night sun tanned veterans of the
safari.
GRAMS: Crackle of fire. Distant sounds of wild
animals. Fade gradually and bring in night time noises – crickets, insects etc.
Hold under scene.
BLUEBOTTLE: Time for beddy-byes Eccles.
ECCLES: Ok. I'll slip on my pajamas.
BLUEBOTTLE: Why? Are they greasy?
ECCLES: Ah, ha ha ha ho ho! Ooh, you made a
funny joke then.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes. Shall I tell you another one
Eccles?
ECCLES: Yeah – I'd like that. That’s fine, fine.
BLUEBOTTLE: I like telling stories, 'cause ...
ECCLES & BLUEBOTTLE:
…telling stories is fine.
BLUEBOTTLE: I say Eccles?
ECCLES: Yeah, Bottle?
BLUEBOTTLE: This story is only for big boys.
ECCLES: Oh. I'll put my hat on then. Ok.
BLUEBOTTLE: You won't tell my mum will you Eccles?
ECCLES: (Whispers)
Oh, no, no. It is just between me and you.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes.
ECCLES: Ok. Now then, go on Bottle – come on.
BLUEBOTTLE: Why did the chicken cross the road?
ECCLES: (Laughing)
Ah, ho ho ha hoo! Oh, you naughty boy! Oooh ha ha! It's a good job for you
I'm a man of the world!
BLUEBOTTLE: No, no, no, Eccles. That was not the
end. It finishes up – “To get to the other side."
ECCLES: (Thinks)
No, no, no. That’s not as funny as the first one. That was funny Bottle. (Bursts out laughing again) Why did the
chicken cross the…! (Laughs)
BLUEBOTTLE: No, no! You do not appreciate my modern
style back-of-match-box type joking. You’ll see – one of these days I shall be
another Noël Coward!
ECCLES: We can’t afford another Noël Coward.[14]
BLUEBOTTLE: I do not wish to discourse further. I
have got other matters to think of.
ECCLES: Oh Bottle – steady now.
BLUEBOTTLE: (Terror
stricken) Ahhheeyii! There's something in my bed.
ECCLES: The phantom's struck again![15]
BLUEBOTTLE: It's a crocodile!
ECCLES: Oh, a crocodile. That's lucky.
BLUEBOTTLE: (Incredulous)
A crocodile lucky?
ECCLES: Of course he's lucky – he's got a bed to
sleep in.
BLUEBOTTLE: Hehehhehe! I'll just switch off the
candle. Switch! Good night Eccles.
ECCLES: Good night Bottle.
GRAMS: Crescendo night noises – crickets and
insects.
ECCLES: (Going
to sleep noises.)
BLUEBOTTLE: (Light
breathing then snoring.)
ECCLES: (Chuckling softly to himself) Hahahaha!
Hohohoho! Hahouwo! (Bursts into
laughter.) Why did the chicken cross the road! Oh dear, dear! Oh dear –
that's real stag buddy talk Bottle! You're a man of the world Bottle. (Sudden shock) Oooh! Awah heyahoohaho! Bottle! Don't laugh – I'm
in danger.
BLUEBOTTLE: What?
ECCLES: Give me the gun quick.
BLUEBOTTLE: (Alarmed)
Why?!
ECCLES: There’s something moving on the end of
my foot.
GRAMS: Pistol shot.
ECCLES: That got rid of it!
BLUEBOTTLE: What was it?
ECCLES: My toe!
FX: Rattling
of doorknob.
SEAGOON: Excuse me.
CAST: (Confused
yelling – extended.)
SEAGOON: Silen geblunden! Stop all this hern,
hern, hoon, hoon. Who do you think you are?
ECCLES: Napoleon.
SEAGOON: You're Napoleon?
ECCLES: No, but that's who I think I am.
SEAGOON: If you're Napoleon, I'm the Duke of
Wellington.
ECCLES: Want a fight?
SEAGOON: Listen, little glass of water – I'm
Neddie Seagoon. I believe you're the two guides to take me to seventeen-A
Africa.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, we have got all your stores ready
for the journey. Check!
ECCLES: Check!
BLUEBOTTLE: One knitted human bath chair. One long
playing record of a naked woman ...
SEAGOON: With clothes on of course.
BLUEBOTTLE: No! Her clothes are on the other side!
ECCLES & BLUEBOTTLE:
(Laughter)
SEAGOON: Then I trust you'll only play that
record in the dark. Mister Ellington, a demonstration on your quonge.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ohhh! He's going to quonge.
ECCLES: What's a quonge?
RAY ELLINGTON "Singin' the Blues"[16]
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic
“Lost In the Jungle” link.
GRAMS: Noise of jungle creatures; hacking sounds
over. Fade behind.
TRADER HORN: With the sun directly overhead and the
ground directly underfoot, telephone engineer Seagoon pushed forward to install
the black telephone before the rains came and the Jones’ went.
SEAGOON: Ah! Nhyutonga – we'll need a telegraph
pole here. Bloodnok, hand me those two bananas from my binocular case.
BLUEBOTTLE: Here.
SEAGOON: Thank you. I say – that's funny! I can
see a French sign. "Caution, Le Sahara desert ahead. Le warning – lo
cannibal engineers".[17] I say, we can't stand for that! Put up a
British sign immediately.
FX: Rapid
hammering.
SEAGOON: There! "No hawkers. No circulars."
FX: Door
knock. Door opens.
SEAGOON: I say – can't you read? “No hawkers. No
circulars”.
CHIEF ELLINGA: Me not a hawker.
SEAGOON: Then you must be a circular. Ha ha ha ha
ha! Get that? If you're not a hawker, you’ll be a circular! (Laughs) Ha hum. English joke.
CHIEF ELLINGA: African silence.
SEAGOON: Let me tell you, back in England I'm on
the TV every week.
CHIEF ELLINGA: I know – that's why I come to Africa.
Listen little corny steaming white comic, Mister Crun sent me to find out if
you've got a parcel for Moriarty cor-blimey.
SEAGOON: Oh, yes. I'd forgotten all about that.
CHIEF ELLINGA: So had the listeners – and that is why I
mention it.
SEAGOON: Good. Now listen Chief Ellinga, (In pigeon English) - you show me where
bwana Crun live and me give you six white-man telephone calls FREE.
CHIEF ELLINGA: Right! You follow me.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic
link.
GREENSLADE: Meantime, in a little love nest at
seventeen-A Africa.
ORCHESTRA: Corny sax solo. (“Sax O Phun”)[18]
FX: Boot
stomping on floorboards in time.
CRUN: Min, Min, Min! ... Min, Min, Min!...
Min! Stop playing that saxophone in Africa and put it back in the fridge. You
know they go off in this weather.
GRAMS: Explosion.
CRUN: You see there goes one now. Now Min, tonight
you must wear your tiara and long raffia drawers.
BANNISTER: What for Henry?
CRUN: It's Henry Hall’s guest night Min,[19] (Lustful)
and I shall entertain you with my sensual Caucasian knee dancing.
BANNISTER: Ooowwh! I'm fed up with your Caucasian
knee dance! Rolling your trousers up and clacking those knobbly knees together.
(Getting down and dirty.) Klickety klack
a-klack a-klack, a-klickety klack a-klack a-klack, klickety klick a-klick
a-klick a-klick, klack, klock!
CRUN: (Getting
steamed up) What! You mean my knees are losing their magic?
BANNISTER: Yes! I want to go back to Dennis
Bloodnok, the bounder of Roper’s Light Horse.[20]
CRUN: Don't you be a mixed up creature. Min!
BANNISTER: (singing)
Yip yap dippa pap pah, ya dippah dippa, dippoh yiddle doh!
FX: Boot
stamping in rhythm.
CRUN: Stop that sinful Marilyn Monroe wobbling
you!
BANNISTER: Arthur Miller taught me something in a
hurry.[21]
ORCHESTRA: Piano
plays D7 introduction arpeggio.
BANNISTER: Sorry Henry. The first careless rapture
is overdone.
BANNISTER & CRUN: (singing)
Someday I'll find you,
moonlight behind you,
turn to the dream I am
dreaming.
As I draw near you
you’ll smile a little smile…[22]
(Fading) Oooh!
GREENSLADE: During this tender duet between Jimmy
Wheeler[23] and Liberace[24], I’d like to remind listeners that approaching
this scene is Chief Ellinga, followed on foot by Eccles, Bluebottle and the
head linesman from Finchley telephone exchange. These little snippets of
information do help, don't they? Well I won't hold up your fun any longer. If
anybody wants me I shall be in the residents lounge.
SECOMBE: Raspberry
ORCHESTRA: Thin cord, cymbal crash.
BLOODNOK: Here we are, seventeen-A Africa. The end
of the Finchley road.
SEAGOON: Right, Eccles break the door down by
inserting the key in the lock.
FX: Door
knob rattles. Door opens.
ECCLES: Right. There!
BLOODNOK: Alright you high stepping cool fool you.
Now where's that fair Minnie Bannister?
BANNISTER: I haven't got the fare.
BLOODNOK: Then we shall have to waltz!
BANNISTER: Ta-da.
BLOODNOK: Minnie, I'm taking you away from the
squalor that you live in to the squalor that I live in.
ORCHESTRA: Piano
- introduction arpeggio.
BLOODNOK & BANNISTER:
(singing) Someday I'll find you,
moonlight behind you ... (Self fade)
FX: Huge
wallop.
BLOODNOK & BANNISTER:
(Off mic) Ahhhowww!
BANNISTER: My finger!
SEAGOON: Well that's one character less for
Sellers to play.
CRUN: Yes. Have you got the parcel from
Moriarty?
SEAGOON: Yes, I have Henry. But first – where
would you like your telephone?
CRUN: In my study please.
SEAGOON: Where's that?
CRUN: Inside my house in North Finchley.
SEAGOON: Arrrrrrrgggggghhhh arrghhhhhh arggggh!
GRAMS: Masses of boots running away.
FX: Large
thud.
SEAGOON: Oooww![25]
GREENSLADE: I say, that was a bit of bad luck for Mister
Seagoon wasn't it? And now of course, I know you're all wondering what was in
that brown paper parcel. Well – goodnight.
ORCHESTRA: End
theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded
program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray
Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott.
Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Announcer Wallace Greenslade,
program produced by Pat Dixon.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.
YTI 