THE TELEPHONE

GOON SHOW: TLO 17963

7TH SERIES: No 11

RECORDED: 13 Dec 1956 [1]

 

Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens.

 

GREENSLADE: This is the BBC home service.

SEAGOON: I say Greenslade – that's a bit near the knuckle!

GREENSLADE: Never mind Mister Seagoon, never mind. Comfort yourself with the leading part in this daring sex drama entitled – “The Telephone."

MILLIGAN: Sinful!

ORCHESTRA: Bright and brassy version of the first couple of bars of “A Life on the Ocean Wave.”

SELLERS: Act one, scene one; the North London GPO telephone managers office.

FX: Phone rings

SPRIGGS: What's that Jim?

JIM NASIUM: A telephone Tom.

SPRIGGS: Oh! So they've installed one at last Jim. Call a meeting of all the people we keep specially for meetings, and make it three o'clock.

JIM NASIUM: Right. I'll put the hands forward sir.

GRAMS: Clock mechanism winding. Bell strikes three times.

OMNES: (Variously) Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb.

SPRIGGS: Silence members of the rhubarb society! Gentlemen, this first meeting of the telephone managers will be presided over in his new underpants by Mister Jusper Bus at six-four-ten.

BUS: [2] Thank you. Thank you. Settle down. First I’ll read this telegram ‘ere what I’ve got. It says “Good luck,” and it’s signed Doctor Hill.[3] One of our lads has done very well since he came up doing his turn on the wireless.

SPRIGGS: Now then - who's next Jim?

FLOWERDEW: Me, and I’m bursting. I’m the area manager for Uxbridge so there!

ORCHESTRA: Tatty chord in C. Cymbal snap.

FLOWERDEW: Shut up! I’m in enough trouble as it is… There's somebody in my district who wants a phone.

OMNES: (Variously) Good heavens! Alarm! Alarm! Rhubarb! Rhubarb! etc

FLOWERDEW: And what’s more he wants a coloured one!

SPRIGGS: What colour telephone does this fellow want?

FLOWERDEW: Black! It’s sickening.

SPRIGGS: Have you got the name of this sensual, pleasure loving devil?

FLOWERDEW: Henry Albert Sebastopol Queen Victoria Crun!

SPRIGGS: Disgusting!

FLOWERDEW: I've held him off for eight years but my supplies of our printed refusal cards is running so low. The things they use them for, I tell you…

GREENSLADE: Ah, may I interrupt here gentlemen?

SPRIGGS: You have! You have interrupted.

GREENSLADE: I happen to know that Mister Crun is the inventor of the black telephone.

BUS: Rubbish! Argy bargy. What about Edison Bell?

GREENSLADE: Edison Bell sir invented the brown telephone.

SPRIGGS: Gentlemen, if we know what's good for us we'll give this chap Crun a telephone immediately.

ORCHESTRA: Bright and brassy version of the first couple of bars of “A Life on the Ocean Wave.” (as before)

SEAGOON: Hello listeners! The job of installing Crun’s phone fell to me – Ned Seagoon!

ORCHESTRA: Bright and brassy link as before.

SEAGOON: Yes. Thank you! As you've guessed by that tune I was the senior outdoor line layer, Uxbridge area.

GREENSLADE: That is quite true. Seagoon had just finished a brilliant military career by climbing over the wall in Aldershot.[4] He arrived at Mister Crun’s house.

FX: Knocks. Door opens.

GRYTPYPE: Oh, good morning postman. Three pints please.

SEAGOON: No, no, no. You don't understand. I've come to install a black telephone.

GRYTPYPE: (Short pause) Four pints and a small brown.

SEAGOON: I'm sorry. I've only got a large black.

MORIARTY: Owwwww. A large black? Sapristi pompet! What type talking are you doing there?

SEAGOON: I'm from the GPO.

MORIARTY: We have nothing to hide.

GRYTPYPE: And we have nothing to show either. But do come in gpo. You'll pardon the mess, we can't help it really – we're bachelors you know.

SEAGOON: I see. Why don't you get married?

GRYTPYPE: I would but Moriarty doesn't love me.

SEAGOON: Ha hum. Are you Mister Crun?

GRYTPYPE: No I'm Grytpype Thynne, criminal by appointment to the royal household cavalry.

MORIARTY: Owwwww.

SEAGOON: Really? Why are you living in a hole in the ground?

GRYTPYPE: Something to do with the shortage of money you know.

SEAGOON: Ohh. Mister Crun’s moved then?

GRYTPYPE: Yes, to seventeen-A Africa.

SEAGOON: (Taking note) Seventeen-A Africa. Can I get there down the Finchley Road?

GRYTPYPE: Eventually yes.

SEAGOON: I had better write that down. E. V. E. N. C. H. E. W. chew, A. L. Y. “Eventually”. Right, goodbye!

MORIARTY: Come back little boiling bubble! Listen to me. Before you go to seventeen-A Africa, would you take this suspicious looking brown paper parcel wrapped in string and tied with newspaper?

SEAGOON: Certainly. Okay Willium - seventeen-A Africa and step on it!

GRAMS: A couple of boots walking smartly across wooden floor. Speed it up..

GREENSLADE: Eight months later.

GRAMS: African native camp. Masai drums, feet stomping, rhythmic clapping. Ellington over. Eccles under. Fade in two pairs of boots on wooden floorboards approaching.

WILLIUM: Oh 'ere, mate – I’m nearly shagged out ‘ere I am. You sure we're still in the Finchley Road?

SEAGOON: (panting) Of course. Now let us see – we've used forty-eight thousand miles of cable. Willium, you'd better nip back to Acton for another telegraph pole.

WILLIUM: Oh, mate – I'm fed up going back. Port comes only from Prortingal you know.[5] It's dark when I gets home at night and as soon as I gets back I has to turn 'round and cycle like the clappers to get back here in the morning again.

SEAGOON: Yes, yes – I see. It does seem a long way out here. Perhaps we should ask our way. Pardon me?

GELDRAY: Sorry boy. I'm a stranger 'round here. Plugeee.

WILLIUM: Cor – Max Geldray! Blimey, I'm off...

 

MAX GELDRAY  "Ain't Misbehavin” [6]

 

GRAMS: Distant native drums. Fade and hold behind.

FX: Nib on parchment. Continue under.

TRADER HORN: [7] (Writing) As Neddie staggered blindly through Africa – at the extreme end of the Finchley Road, he little knew he was within a telephone call’s throw of the British telephone supply depot at Umgala.

ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme.

BLOODNOK: Owwww! Aarghh! Owwwah! Well I can't sit here all day.

ABDUL: (Approaching) Sahib! Sahib! Sahib! Sahib! A palladium-type comic-type gentleman has just collapsed in a heap outside.

BLOODNOK: I know. I tripped over that heap myself only this morning. Now lift up his wig and let Val Parnell have a look at him.[8]

SEAGOON: (Unconscious) Ahhhhrouuu, owwww!

BLOODNOK: Steady lad. Abdul – medical attention. Fan him with a thermometer and put a copy of the Lancet under his head.

SEAGOON: Arggoooh, ooouuuh!

ABDUL: Oh, goodness gracious European-type seriousness. He is seriously unconscious Major.

BLOODNOK: No wonder! I'll just lift that heavy wallet off him…

FX: Bank notes being counted.

BLOODNOK: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight… thirty-three, thirty-five,  thirty-eight, thirty-nine…  No wonder! There were forty pounds pressing on his chest. Now we'll restore the circulation in his arms with the toad ointment.[9] Just put this pen in his hand and run it lightly over this cheque – there.

SEAGOON: Ahhhh! Ohh! Where am I?

BLOODNOK: In the red.

SEAGOON: Thank heavens! A British bank manager.

BLOODNOK: He delirious. Hold him down while I force this brandy between my lips.

GRAMS: Bubbles in vast cauldron.

BLOODNOK: Yes – you look much better now lad.

SEAGOON: So do you.

BLOODNOK: Now – if you'll pardon me, I'll just stand in this hole facing north.[10]

SEAGOON: Why?

BLOODNOK: It's all the rage you know.

SEAGOON: Gad, it must be hell in there!

BLOODNOK: Further down it is.

BLOODNOK: Now lad, what brings you to the steaming hell of Africa from the steaming hell of Finchley?

SEAGOON: I'm looking for the inventor of the black telephone.

BLOODNOK: Ah, that's Crun. Henry Crun. So you're looking for that cool, high stepping fool are you? Him and his sensual Caucasian knee dancing. That's how he tempted poor Minnie away from me. Ohh, Min!

SEAGOON: Ah, come now Major Dennis please. Dry your tears on this marble statue of a handkerchief.

BLOODNOK: Thank you. Poor Min – abducted in the prime of her twilight. Oh, it's a long story. I remember it all started on the road to Mandalay, (sings) where the flying fishes play and…[11]

SEAGOON: Yes, yes, yes, yes! But that's your pigeon.

BLOODNOK: So it is! How did it get out? Abdul, take this pigeon away and bring me a clothes brush!

SEAGOON:[12] Major, a simple question. Where is seventeen-A Africa?

BLOODNOK: Seventeen-A? You're on the wrong side of the continent. Odd numbers are right over on the other side.

SEAGOON: Well could you let me have two white hunters and a safari to escort me?

BLOODNOK: For a consideration.

FX: Cash register. Coin in till.

BLOODNOK: Thank you. You'll find them encamped in a hole in the ground at Corwatadonga!

SEAGOON: Right. Goodbye Major.

BLOODNOK: (Calls after him) Remember – tonight is Henry Hall’s guest night.[13]

SEAGOON: Splendid. I’ll wear evening dress and ear-plugs.

ORCHESTRA: Dramatic safari link.

GREENSLADE: Sitting over an all night camp fire awaiting the arrival of Seagoon, sit two all night sun tanned veterans of the safari.

GRAMS: Crackle of fire. Distant sounds of wild animals. Fade gradually and bring in night time noises – crickets, insects etc. Hold under scene.

BLUEBOTTLE: Time for beddy-byes Eccles.

ECCLES: Ok. I'll slip on my pajamas.

BLUEBOTTLE: Why? Are they greasy?

ECCLES: Ah, ha ha ha ho ho! Ooh, you made a funny joke then.

BLUEBOTTLE: Yes. Shall I tell you another one Eccles?

ECCLES: Yeah – I'd like that. That’s fine, fine.

BLUEBOTTLE: I like telling stories, 'cause ...

ECCLES & BLUEBOTTLE: …telling stories is fine.

BLUEBOTTLE: I say Eccles?

ECCLES: Yeah, Bottle?

BLUEBOTTLE: This story is only for big boys.

ECCLES: Oh. I'll put my hat on then. Ok.

BLUEBOTTLE: You won't tell my mum will you Eccles?

ECCLES: (Whispers) Oh, no, no. It is just between me and you.

BLUEBOTTLE: Yes.

ECCLES: Ok. Now then, go on Bottle – come on.

BLUEBOTTLE: Why did the chicken cross the road?

ECCLES: (Laughing) Ah, ho ho ha hoo! Oh, you naughty boy! Oooh ha ha! It's a good job for you I'm a man of the world!

BLUEBOTTLE: No, no, no, Eccles. That was not the end. It finishes up – “To get to the other side."

ECCLES: (Thinks) No, no, no. That’s not as funny as the first one. That was funny Bottle. (Bursts out laughing again) Why did the chicken cross the…! (Laughs)

BLUEBOTTLE: No, no! You do not appreciate my modern style back-of-match-box type joking. You’ll see – one of these days I shall be another Noël Coward!

ECCLES: We can’t afford another Noël Coward.[14]

BLUEBOTTLE: I do not wish to discourse further. I have got other matters to think of.

ECCLES: Oh Bottle – steady now.

BLUEBOTTLE: (Terror stricken) Ahhheeyii! There's something in my bed.

ECCLES: The phantom's struck again![15]

BLUEBOTTLE: It's a crocodile!

ECCLES: Oh, a crocodile. That's lucky.

BLUEBOTTLE: (Incredulous) A crocodile lucky?

ECCLES: Of course he's lucky – he's got a bed to sleep in.

BLUEBOTTLE: Hehehhehe! I'll just switch off the candle. Switch! Good night Eccles.

ECCLES: Good night Bottle.

GRAMS: Crescendo night noises – crickets and insects.

ECCLES: (Going to sleep noises.)

BLUEBOTTLE: (Light breathing then snoring.)

ECCLES: (Chuckling softly to himself) Hahahaha! Hohohoho! Hahouwo! (Bursts into laughter.) Why did the chicken cross the road! Oh dear, dear! Oh dear – that's real stag buddy talk Bottle! You're a man of the world Bottle. (Sudden shock) Oooh!  Awah heyahoohaho! Bottle! Don't laugh – I'm in danger.

BLUEBOTTLE: What?

ECCLES: Give me the gun quick.

BLUEBOTTLE: (Alarmed) Why?!

ECCLES: There’s something moving on the end of my foot.

GRAMS: Pistol shot.

ECCLES: That got rid of it!

BLUEBOTTLE: What was it?

ECCLES: My toe!

FX: Rattling of doorknob.

SEAGOON: Excuse me.

CAST: (Confused yelling – extended.)

SEAGOON: Silen geblunden! Stop all this hern, hern, hoon, hoon. Who do you think you are?

ECCLES: Napoleon.

SEAGOON: You're Napoleon?

ECCLES: No, but that's who I think I am.

SEAGOON: If you're Napoleon, I'm the Duke of Wellington.

ECCLES: Want a fight?

SEAGOON: Listen, little glass of water – I'm Neddie Seagoon. I believe you're the two guides to take me to seventeen-A Africa.

BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, we have got all your stores ready for the journey. Check!

ECCLES: Check!

BLUEBOTTLE: One knitted human bath chair. One long playing record of a naked woman ...

SEAGOON: With clothes on of course.

BLUEBOTTLE: No! Her clothes are on the other side!

ECCLES & BLUEBOTTLE: (Laughter)

SEAGOON: Then I trust you'll only play that record in the dark. Mister Ellington, a demonstration on your quonge.

BLUEBOTTLE: Ohhh! He's going to quonge.

ECCLES: What's a quonge?

 

RAY ELLINGTON  "Singin' the Blues"[16]

 

ORCHESTRA: Dramatic “Lost In the Jungle” link.

GRAMS: Noise of jungle creatures; hacking sounds over. Fade behind.

TRADER HORN: With the sun directly overhead and the ground directly underfoot, telephone engineer Seagoon pushed forward to install the black telephone before the rains came and the Jones’ went.

SEAGOON: Ah! Nhyutonga – we'll need a telegraph pole here. Bloodnok, hand me those two bananas from my binocular case.

BLUEBOTTLE: Here.

SEAGOON: Thank you. I say – that's funny! I can see a French sign. "Caution, Le Sahara desert ahead. Le warning – lo cannibal engineers".[17] I say, we can't stand for that! Put up a British sign immediately.

FX: Rapid hammering.

SEAGOON: There! "No hawkers. No circulars."

FX: Door knock. Door opens.

SEAGOON: I say – can't you read? “No hawkers. No circulars”.

CHIEF ELLINGA: Me not a hawker.

SEAGOON: Then you must be a circular. Ha ha ha ha ha! Get that? If you're not a hawker, you’ll be a circular! (Laughs) Ha hum. English joke.

CHIEF ELLINGA: African silence.

SEAGOON: Let me tell you, back in England I'm on the TV every week.

CHIEF ELLINGA: I know – that's why I come to Africa. Listen little corny steaming white comic, Mister Crun sent me to find out if you've got a parcel for Moriarty cor-blimey.

SEAGOON: Oh, yes. I'd forgotten all about that.

CHIEF ELLINGA: So had the listeners – and that is why I mention it.

SEAGOON: Good. Now listen Chief Ellinga, (In pigeon English) - you show me where bwana Crun live and me give you six white-man telephone calls FREE.

CHIEF ELLINGA: Right! You follow me.

ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.

GREENSLADE: Meantime, in a little love nest at seventeen-A Africa.

ORCHESTRA: Corny sax solo. (“Sax O Phun”)[18]

FX: Boot stomping on floorboards in time.

CRUN: Min, Min, Min! ... Min, Min, Min!... Min! Stop playing that saxophone in Africa and put it back in the fridge. You know they go off in this weather.

GRAMS: Explosion.

CRUN: You see there goes one now. Now Min, tonight you must wear your tiara and long raffia drawers.

BANNISTER: What for Henry?

CRUN: It's Henry Hall’s guest night Min,[19] (Lustful) and I shall entertain you with my sensual Caucasian knee dancing.

BANNISTER: Ooowwh! I'm fed up with your Caucasian knee dance! Rolling your trousers up and clacking those knobbly knees together. (Getting down and dirty.) Klickety klack a-klack a-klack, a-klickety klack a-klack a-klack, klickety klick a-klick a-klick a-klick, klack, klock!

CRUN: (Getting steamed up) What! You mean my knees are losing their magic?

BANNISTER: Yes! I want to go back to Dennis Bloodnok, the bounder of Roper’s Light Horse.[20]

CRUN: Don't you be a mixed up creature. Min!

BANNISTER: (singing) Yip yap dippa pap pah, ya dippah dippa, dippoh yiddle doh!

FX: Boot stamping in rhythm.

CRUN: Stop that sinful Marilyn Monroe wobbling you!

BANNISTER: Arthur Miller taught me something in a hurry.[21]

ORCHESTRA: Piano plays D7 introduction arpeggio.

BANNISTER: Sorry Henry. The first careless rapture is overdone.

BANNISTER & CRUN: (singing)   Someday I'll find you,

moonlight behind you,

turn to the dream I am dreaming.

As I draw near you

you’ll smile a little smile…[22]

(Fading) Oooh!

GREENSLADE: During this tender duet between Jimmy Wheeler[23] and Liberace[24], I’d like to remind listeners that approaching this scene is Chief Ellinga, followed on foot by Eccles, Bluebottle and the head linesman from Finchley telephone exchange. These little snippets of information do help, don't they? Well I won't hold up your fun any longer. If anybody wants me I shall be in the residents lounge.

SECOMBE: Raspberry

ORCHESTRA: Thin cord, cymbal crash.

BLOODNOK: Here we are, seventeen-A Africa. The end of the Finchley road.

SEAGOON: Right, Eccles break the door down by inserting the key in the lock.

FX: Door knob rattles. Door opens.

ECCLES: Right. There!

BLOODNOK: Alright you high stepping cool fool you. Now where's that fair Minnie Bannister?

BANNISTER: I haven't got the fare.

BLOODNOK: Then we shall have to waltz!

BANNISTER: Ta-da.

BLOODNOK: Minnie, I'm taking you away from the squalor that you live in to the squalor that I live in.

ORCHESTRA: Piano - introduction arpeggio.

BLOODNOK & BANNISTER: (singing)   Someday I'll find you,

moonlight behind you ... (Self fade)

FX: Huge wallop.

BLOODNOK & BANNISTER: (Off mic) Ahhhowww!

BANNISTER: My finger!

SEAGOON: Well that's one character less for Sellers to play.

CRUN: Yes. Have you got the parcel from Moriarty?

SEAGOON: Yes, I have Henry. But first – where would you like your telephone?

CRUN: In my study please.

SEAGOON: Where's that?

CRUN: Inside my house in North Finchley.

SEAGOON: Arrrrrrrgggggghhhh arrghhhhhh arggggh!

GRAMS: Masses of boots running away.

FX: Large thud.

SEAGOON: Oooww![25]

GREENSLADE: I say, that was a bit of bad luck for Mister Seagoon wasn't it? And now of course, I know you're all wondering what was in that brown paper parcel. Well – goodnight.

ORCHESTRA: End theme.

GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Announcer Wallace Greenslade, program produced by Pat Dixon.

ORCHESTRA: Playout.

 

YTI

 



[1] Global telephone communications took a massive step forward on 25th September 1956 when the first transatlantic undersea telephone system, TAT-1 went into service in the United Kingdom. Connecting Britain with the American continent, it was a great technological achievement providing unparalleled reliability. The system replaced both the telegraph and the shortwave wireless service, placing international dialling within the reach of ordinary people. It was made possible through the co-operative efforts of engineers at AT&T Bell Laboratories and the British Post Office. The system stayed in operation until 1978.

This event I believe, gave Milligan the raw idea for this episode, and as usual, his spin on the idea is far more interesting than the kernel. Willium cycling back to Acton every day for another telegraph pole is a wonderfully comic notion, and in its own way far more interesting than the extraordinary reality that was the laying of an enormous length of submarine cable the entire width of the Atlantic.

[2] Secombe in a London accent.

 

[3] Milligan means Doctor Charles Hill, (1904-1989) – later Lord Hill, English Administrator, doctor and television executive. He was assistant Secretary to the BMA throughout the war, and broadcast as the “Radio Doctor” every morning from 1942 as part of the Ministry of Food’s “Kitchen Front” programme. Later he became Parliamentary Secretary in the Ministry of Food from 1951, Postmaster General from 1955, and an outspoken critic of the BBC during the Suez crisis which was occurring as this programme went to air. Later he was to become chairman of the ITV from 1963.

[4] Aldershot, in the English county of Hampshire about 60kms southwest of London, is the sight of a famous British military camp.

 

[5] The origin of this strange line is beyond  me, except to add that it also appears again in the last show of the series “The Histories of Pliny the Elder”, once again spoken by Willium.

 

[6] A classic 1929 number by Fats Waller and Harry Brooks.

 

[7] Sellers. This was the voice that Peter used in the episode “King Solomon’s Mines” (10/8th) for Trader Horn.

 

[8] Val Parnell, (1892-1972), theatrical impresario and television entrepreneur. Was originally managing director of the Moss Empire theatre circuit from 1945 and had direct control of casting in many London theatres including the Palladium. He had ‘taken a look’ at each of the Goons over the years when they were trying to get their first breaks.

 

[9] Yes, such a thing actually existed in antique Medical volumes. One by Dr. Chase (1866) says: “For sprains, strains, lame-back, rheumatism, caked breasts, caked udders, etc. Good sized live toads, 4 in number; put into boiling water and cook very soft, then take them out and boil water down to ˝ pint, and add fresh churned, unsalted butter 1 lb and simmer together; at the last add tincture of arnica 2 ozs.”

 

[10] This again is a Milligan fixation. The hole in the ground appears often in the Goon Show, and seems to have originated from a WWII incident in North Africa when Spike stood guard all night in a hole, defending God, King and country. See “Rommel Who? Gunner Who?” p82, p90, p99 etc.

 

[11] “On the Road to Mandalay,” originally written by Rudyard Kipling, and set to music by John Ireland. One of the enduring songs of the British Empire.

 

[12] Secombe says rapidly “You’ve been spotted!”

 

[13] Henry Hall, (1898-1989) British bandleader and arranger. A famous pre-war entertainer, he hosted a post war BBC show called “Henry Hall’s Guest Night” as well as “Face the Music.” His 1932 recording of “Teddy Bear’s Picnic” sold over a million copies.

 

[14] Noël Coward (1899-1973), British Actor, playwright, and composer of popular music. A hugely successful figure between the wars, his highly flamboyant lifestyle had influenced public opinion against him during WWII, despite being an active and tireless worker for victory and a member of the British Secret Service. After  the 1940’s his theatrical star began to wane. I can take any amount of criticism so long as it is unqualified praise” he is reported to have said, and with post-war taxes taking a huge bite of whatever profits he made, he and his partner Graham Payn moved to the Caribbean permanently during the mid 50’s. The public reaction to this was viciously critical, and Coward hated the British public ever afterwards.

 

[15] Refers to a notorious practical joke played by soldiers during WWII (and by Boy scouts at other times) when a turd made of sodden brown paper was inserted into a freshly made bed for the owner to find when they turned in. See “Where Have All the Bullets Gone?” p210.

[16] Popular song by Melvin Endsley published in 1956. By the end of the year there were three separate versions competing on the British charts. The version by Guy Mitchell spent 9 weeks at no #1.

 

[17] This scene has it’s roots in Milligan’s excursion in 1943 to the Kerrata Gorge in Algeria after the surrender of the Germans, “Monty. His Part in My Victory” p73. Throughout books 2 – 3 of the war memoires he frequently remarks on the strange beauty of North Africa.

[18] Sax O Phun” was a novelty sax number by Rudy Wiedoeft, first recorded in 1924. He called it “a study in laugh and slap tongue.”

 

[19] See footnote #12.

 

[20] A fictitious regiment based on the light horse divisions of the British Army. In India there were regiments such as The Calcutta Light Horse, The Assam Valley Light Horse and the Punjab Light Horse. Some regiments took their Commander’s name – eg; Lumsden’s Light Horse, an Indian regiment from the Boer War era.

 

[21] Marilyn Monroe (1926-1962) had married the playwright Arthur Miller the previous June. Referred to by the press as ‘the egghead and the hourglass’ the couple were heavily involved with the Lee Strasberg Acting School. She is actually quoting the 1942 novelty song ‘Arthur Murray Taught Me Dancing in a Hurry’ by Mercer and Schertzinger, from the film ‘The Fleet’s In’.

 

[22] “Someday I’ll Find You”, music & lyrics by Noël Coward. From the stage show ‘Private Lives’ 1930.

 

[23] Jimmy Wheeler (1919-1973), variety theatre comedian and pioneer of radio and television. His catchphrase “Aye aye. That’s your lot!” was often quoted. He often used a violin onstage.

 

[24] Liberace – Wladziu Valentino Liberace (1919-1987) was a famous and flamboyant entertainer and pianist. By 1956 he was making a million US a year from concerts and many millions from radio and TV broadcasts.

 

[25] I suspect that FX mistimed this gag. You can faintly hear the thud under the sound of boots.