WHAT’S MY LINE?
GOON
SHOW: TLO 17361
7TH
SERIES: No 10
RECORDED:
5 Dec 1956 [1]
Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens.
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Home Service.
SECOMBE: Mr Greenslade, don't you get fatigued
with saying that?
GREENSLADE: Fronkly I do.
SECOMBE: Then why don't you do something about it
Bunter?[2]
GREENSLADE: I have. (Conspiratorially) You know when I said - "This is the BBC
Home Service?"
SECOMBE: Yes.
GREENSLADE: Well, at the same time I was thinking – (Aloud) “Long live the ITV!"[3]
GRAMS: Marching boots under.
SECOMBE: What's this? What is it?
GRAMS: Marching continues. Recording. SNAGGE:[4] “BBC
sharpshooters halt.” Boots halt smartly. SNAGGE: “Take aim… Fire!” Rifle shots.
GREENSLADE: Ouch… sir!
GRAMS: Recording. SNAGGE: “So perish all enemies of
the Queen.”
SECOMBE: So Greenslade, you were All Enemies of
the Queen. On your feet now - come on. That
was only a recording of John Snagge and his merry huntsmen. Now remove that
fake bullet hole and replace it with an announcement. Go on Wal boy, give us
the old Till Eugenspiel! [5]
GREENSLADE: Well, tonight the Gin Shaw brings you a
dramatised version of -"What's My Line".
HERN: (American)
Yes folks. Welcome to "What's My Line".
ORCHESTRA: Scratchy violin fanfare.
HERN: Thank you Eugčne Goossens,[6] and welcome to “What's My Line” folks. Now
you all know the rules so here they are again. Several competitors will sign in
and do some mime as a clue to his or her occupation, and for the first correct
answer the prize will be SIXTY-FOUR! And now will the first competitor sign in
please.
FX: Chalk
writing on blackboard.
SEAGOON: (Writing)
Neddie Seagoon.
GRAMS: Massed cheers. Stops suddenly.
HERN: Mister Eddie Kneecroon[7]. Now sir will you stand in this revolving
bath and do a mime.
SEAGOON: By all means. My mime starts when I was
a student of archaeology (Self fade) at the Royal Naval College of Music ...
OMNES: (Mutterings)
Hern, hern, hern, hern, hern, hern &c
SPRIGGS: Quiet! Quiet boys. Now here is your oral
examiner to examine your orals.
OMNES: (Excitement)
Oh oi oh oh oi oi oi!
SPRIGGS: Please - will he now sign in.
FX: Chalk
writing on blackboard
GRYTPYPE: (Writing)
Hercules Gryte pype Thynne.
ORCHESTRA: Corny music hall fanfare.
GRYTPYPE: Thank you music students. And now my
mime is this. You lad - who wrote "The Yellow Road of Texas"?[8]
SEAGOON: I'm sorry sir, I can't sneak on a
friend.
GRYTPYPE: Wrong! The second question.[9] When did you last see your father?
SEAGOON: When I had my glasses on.
GRYTPYPE: Wrong. It's a picture.
SEAGOON: Where's it showing?
GRYTPYPE: At the Blue Hall Islington.[10]
SEAGOON: Is there a matinee today?
GRYTPYPE: Yes, but they're only showing “Whistler’s
Mother”.
SEAGOON: (Fondly)
Ah! Musical…
GRYTPYPE: Ah! (Aside)
Mister Spriggs, what instrument is this lad studying?
SPRIGGS: Neddie lad, play something nice for the
gentlemon.
ORCHESTRA: (Bass
drum – deaden the sound.) Thump thump thump.
GRYTPYPE: This lad has the gift of melody. Melody
divine! Play it in a different key boy!
ORCHESTRA: (Bass
drum.) Thump thump thump thump thump.
GRYTPYPE: (Over)
Stop! Stop, please.
SPRIGGS: Please, stop Neddie, the gentleman is
overcome.
GRYTPYPE: Do you know, I find that tune quite
touching. What was it?
ORCHESTRA: (Bass
drum.) Thump thump thump… (Continue under.)
SEAGOON: (Sings
at distance.) Ah, over the waves
on the loveliest night of the
year.
Stars shining above
you almost can touch them from
here…[11]
SPRIGGS: Quiet, quiet please students, I know you
love melody.
GRYTPYPE: Neddie, come over here please.
GRAMS: Running footsteps, getting closer and
slowing to a stop.
GRYTPYPE: You shouldn't sit so far away lad.
SEAGOON: I don't mind - except when it rains.
GRYTPYPE: Why?
SEAGOON: I'm outside.
GRYTPYPE: Don't you find it difficult to follow
what the teacher's saying?
SEAGOON: Oh no - I can't hear him.
GRYTPYPE: I do wish there were more idiots like
you.
SEAGOON: But there are more idiots like me. (Shouts) Aren’t there?
ECCLES: Yeah!
GRYTPYPE: Great spon of nukes! That voice, that
bearing – you're not Sir Malcolm Sargent? [12]
ECCLES: You're right. You're dead right you know
- I'm not Sir Malcolm Sargent. I'm a student in this school. I'm studying to
play the telephone in E flat.
GRYTPYPE: In that case you'd better sign in.
ECCLES: Ok.
FX: Chalk
writing on blackboard under.
ECCLES: (Writing)
Mister E. EK – EX – how do you spell that “Eccles”?
GRYTPYPE: Double C. L. E. S.
ECCLES: Mister T. F. E. double C. L. E. S.
GRYTPYPE: T. F?
ECCLES: "The Famous"
GRYTPYPE: Ah! Thank you. Now just step into this
dangerous street and do your mime.
ECCLES: Thank you –
FX: Door
opens.
GRAMS: Heavy city traffic.
ECCLES: Aaaaaaaahhhhh! (Fade)
FX: Close
door.
GRYTPYPE: And now will the next challenger sign in
please.
FX: Chalk
writing on blackboard.
GELDRAY: Max Geldray.
MAX GELDAY “C
Jam Blues”[13]
SEAGOON: Thank you. Well, did anyone guess Max
Geldray's line?
ECCLES: Ah, mouth organ player.
SEAGOON: Ha, ha, ha! No, no - although I admit that
he certainly tried to give that impression. So would the next challenger sign
in please.
FX: Chalk
writing on blackboard under.
MORIARTY: (Writing)
Count Jim ‘Thighs’ Moriarty. Count of ten, Second Baron lands and Marquis
de la refreshments.
SEAGOON: Well Count, do your mime.
MORIARTY: Right, my mime is this; Grytpype! I have
an urgent message from Major Bloodnok. He wants the number of a good tailor.
GRYTPYPE: Why?
MORIARTY: He's in a phone box – naked.
GRYTPYPE: Naked? Why did he remove his nether
garments?
MORIARTY: They were filthy buddy.
GRYTPYPE: Gentlemen, this is a job for the police
laundry.
SEAGOON: Impossible sir. Bloodnok's on the
laundry banned list.
GRYTPYPE: Why?
SEAGOON: He plays in the laundry band!
ORCHESTRA: (Shout)
“Taa daa!” Cymbal snap.
SEAGOON: I don't wish to know that.[14] Apart from that – they discovered the truth
about those nicotine stains on his shirt.
GRYTPYPE: You mean...?
SEAGOON: Yes - they were hand painted.
HERN: Well folks as nobody’s guessed
Moriarty's line yet, will the next challenger sign in please.
FX: Chalk
writing rapidly on blackboard under.
CRUN: (Writing)
Ahh, ahhhh, eerr, ah, aaah! (Extended)
Henry Crun…
BANNISTER: (Writing)
… and Miss Minnie Bannister.
SEAGOON: Will you both do your mime?
CRUN: Yes, yes! Certainly we will. Yes - our
mime.
BANNISTER: Yes, our mime. (Extended)
CRUN: I’ll say it… Miss Bannister!
BANNISTER: What? What?
CRUN: Weigh this telegram on the official Post
Office scale.
BANNISTER: Ok buddy.
FX: Heavy
boots on floorboards.
BANNISTER: It doesn't weigh anything at all.
CRUN: Well put a four ounce weight on it.
BANNISTER: Ok. (Surprised)
Ohhhh!
CRUN: What, what, what?
BANNISTER: Now it weighs four ounces.
CRUN: Then it will need a tuppenny stamp.
BANNISTER: Ah there. Now where's that messenger
boy?
SEAGOON: Here I am under this wig.
CRUN: Well do a mime of getting on your
motorbike and posting this telegram at once!
SEAGOON: Wouldn't it go quicker by phone?
CRUN: I didn't know you could travel by phone!
Ahhahaha, Ohhohoho, Ahhohoho, Ahahahaha Ohhoho! (Extended) Oh dear, dear, dear. Did you hear my joke Min?
BANNISTER: Hahaha... (Extended) Yes. I heard it Henry.
CRUN: Oh! Was it funny Min?
BANNISTER: No.
CRUN: All that laughing for nothing.
BANNISTER: Didn't you get anything for it?
CRUN: Not a penny. Still, we do have fun you
know Min, working in the P.O.
BANNISTER: You must remember that the Post Office
has a handle to its name. You must thank the Lord Chamberlain for that. [15]
CRUN: I’m the postmaster you know.
BANNISTER: And
I'm the register of parcels and the rubber stamping. Now you listen to this
gimmick buddy. Ready? One, two!
FX: Wooden
gavels on different sized woodblocks. Add paper to make it sound like parcels.
BANNISTER: (sings)
Rubber stamping rhythm,
hear that rhythm go.
Let us stamp some parcels,
three cheers for the G.P.O!
BANNISTER: Now then, hip-hip-hip ...
CRUN: (Wheezing)
Horrayyyyyy-oooooouuuh!
BANNISTER: Hip, hip …
CRUN: (Gasping
for breath) ‘Raaaayyy!
BANNISTER: Hip-Hip-Hip!
CRUN: (Fibrillations)
Horrayowwwooooowwwwww!
BANNISTER: He's fainted downwards onto the scales.
SEAGOON: Three stone! That's a two and six-penny
stamp.
FX: Two
quick gavel strokes on a paper parcel.
SEAGOON: Quick post it to a hospital.
CRUN: No – phone the doctor!
SEAGOON: I can't! There's somebody doing their
mime in the phone box. Come out of there!
ECCLES: I'm practising the telephone! But I’ve
just discovered folks, I'll never play the telephone again.
SEAGOON: Why not?
ECCLES: I ran out of coppers.
SEAGOON: Nonsense! Here's thruppence - play us a
tune. Here, play something from A to D.
ECCLES: Ohhh – I only play telephones by ear. I
can't read the directories.
SEAGOON: Hahaha! He's just being modest folks.
Actually he can't read anything.
CRUN: Come on lad, what numbers do you know?
ECCLES: Ahhm, what about that good old good one,
Whitehall One-two, One-two.[16]
SEAGOON: Yes. Let's have that one - played by Ray
Ellington!
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET "Roll 'Em Pete"[17]
SEAGOON: (MC
voice) Next dance please!
BANNISTER: Thank you very much Mister Secombe. You
dance divinely you know.
SEAGOON: You too.
BANNISTER: Are you married?
SEAGOON: You're very light on my feet. (Laughs) Light on my feet! Hurm.
WILLIUM: 'Ere, 'ere! Who runged Whitehall
one-two, one-two, mate?
SEAGOON: We did constable. We are looking for a Major
Bloodnok who is missing you, understand.
WILLIUM: Oh well, the next contestant can help
you there. Will he sign in mate, please?
FX: Writing
on black board under.
GREENSLADE: (Writing)
A. L. A. S. K. A.
HERN: It's Alaska – the well known piece of
land. Will Alaska do its mime?
GRAMS: Howling wind. Dog sled team.
SEAGOON: Mosh, mosh, mish, mash, mush! Minch, moonch,
munch, mensh, minsh! I think that's the lot. Gad – Alaska forty below and three
on top. Brrrhahaha! This bathing costume isn't very warm.
ECCLES: Of course not – you've got the shoulder
strap un-buttoned.
SEAGOON: Is your bathing costume warm?
ECCLES: Yeah, I wear it under a fur coat!
SEAGOON: You fisherman's nit!
ECCLES: What? You be careful how you talk to me!
SEAGOON: I don't wish to know this.
ECCLES: Do you know Lord Stromboli?[18]
SEAGOON: No.
ECCLES: Well, you just be careful what you say
then. He might be listening.
SEAGOON: (Lava
come back to me.) Now look, you'll never get sun-tanned like that. Here!
Hold this violin.
ECCLES: Oh, will that make me sun tanned?
SEAGOON: If you play it naked in the Sahara, yes!
ECCLES: Hey! Wait a minute.
SEAGOON: What?
ECCLES: What are we doing in Alaska?
SEAGOON: Following the trail of Major Bloodnok's
phone box.
ECCLES: Oh! What'd he come all the way to Alaska
in a phone box for?
SEAGOON: A long distance call.[19] Now unroll that portable road.
SEAGOON: (Straining)
Umph! Strain… urh… strain. You take the end of the tenors friend… There. (Catching breath)
ECCLES: What a bit of luck! This road leads
straight to Major Bloodnok's phone box.
SEAGOON: Bloodnok! Come out!
BLOODNOK: I can't - I'm naked.
BANNISTER: (Slightly
off) Come on - come out!
SEAGOON: Well, come out backwards with your hands
raised.
BLOODNOK: No, I daren't risk it. There's a lot of
holly about.
SEAGOON: Alright. We'll come forward with our heads
down.
BLOODNOK: Oh, no, no, no! I'll come out. Now look
here - why are you trailing me?
SEAGOON: First, may we present our cards?
BLOODNOK: Certainly.
SEAGOON: PRESENT CARDS!
GRAMS: Single line of soldiers coming to attention.
BLOODNOK: Thank you.
SEAGOON: Will you sign in please and do your
disgusting mime?
BLOODNOK: Ohh! My mime starts in India (self fade) in eighteen eighty three.
GRAMS: Volleys of rifle shots. Give it lots of echo
to make it sound as if it is in a canyon.
SEAGOON: It's no good Major Bloodnok. We'll never
dislodge those naughty tribesmen from their rocky redoubt.
BLOODNOK: No, I fear they've built that mountain
to last. Send Captain Spon for reinforcement's will you?
SEAGOON: He's gone sir. Spon's gone.
BLOODNOK: Has he?
SEAGOON: Yes! Spon's scarpered. He's disguised as
an Afghan riding a camel.
BLOODNOK: Spon has gone?
SEAGOON: Yes. Spon's gone for a burton,[20] but the camel was shot from under him.
BLOODNOK: What did he do?
SEAGOON: He changed to a horse sir.
BLOODNOK: Where is he now?
SEAGOON: Grazing. Wait! Ahehehoooohihihiou! Who's
this approaching?
BLOODNOK: Well shall soon find out. Ask him to
sign in.
FX: Writing
on blackboard under
PILKINGTON CLING: [21] (Writing)
Ahh, Lieutenant Pilkington Cling.
BLOODNOK: Right. Now do your mime – but not too
much otherwise the tribesmen will guess what you are, d’you see?
PILKINGTON CLING: Right sir. My mime is - I've just come
through the enemy lines disguised as a British soldier.
BLOODNOK: That is no disguise man.
PILKINGTON CLING: Yes it is. Actually I'm a British
sailor.
BLOODNOK: Then what are you doing so far inland
without a boat?
PILKINGTON CLING: We ran out of water.
BLOODNOK: Curse! I was relying on that boat to
evacuate us.
PILKINGTON CLING: Aahhhhhhhh!
BLOODNOK: I take them all the time you know.
SEAGOON: Have you done?
PILKINGTON CLING: Yes.
SEAGOON: This means we have to retreat on foot
sir.
BLOODNOK: Right. Order some feet then.
SEAGOON: ORDER FEET!
GRAMS: Regiment on parade.
BLOODNOK: Haul down the NAAFI manageress.
SEAGOON: Bugler?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes Capitan. I signed in then.
FX: Writing
on blackboard under.
BLUEBOTTLE: (Writing)
Bugeler Blunebottle of the Second Finchley Wolfcubs. Voted young knots of
nineteen-fifty-six and all England egg and spoon race champion.
SEAGOON: Well done. Do your mime.
BLUEBOTTLE: Alright then. My mime is – I'm here to
sound the retreat on my bugle. Does
brilliant mime. Picks up bugle, puts to mouth, does big blow.
ORCHESTRA: Big
blast on trombone
BLUEBOTTLE: Ohheohhiew! I've hurted myself.[22]
SEAGOON: I'll get a stretcher.
BLUEBOTTLE: Don't stretch me – my legs might drop
off.
GRAMS: Horses hooves approaching.
FX: Quick
knock on door.
BLOODNOK: Ohhh, oehhhoho! Oohheho, hohoho! It's
the son of mad mullah![23] Do your mime mullah.
MAD MULLAH: My mime is - open up Major Bloodnok!.
SEAGOON: Major! He wants us to open you up.
BLOODNOK: … and let the rain in? Never! Get your
hands off will you!
FX: Furious
knocking on door.
MAD MULLAH: Open up or I'll write to the Times. “Dear Sir, this is me writing ...”
BLOODNOK: No. Stop! Please don't. Don't do that -
England must never know.
MAD MULLAH: They never do!
BLOODNOK: Yes, that's quite true. What do you want
you turbaned devil? How dare you come to
the front door - all enemies to the tradesmen's entrance.
MAD MULLAH: Tradesmen's entrance blocked with your
creditors.
BLOODNOK: Arrggghhhohoho! Load that gun with I. O.
U.s! That'll get rid of them, I tell you.
SEAGOON: Let him in Major.
BLOODNOK: What?
SEAGOON: I'll keep him covered with this roof.
BLOODNOK: Alright, son of mullah - come in. But I'm warning you, if there's any mud on
your boots we shall fire.
FX: Door
opened.
MAD MULLAH: Now, Bloodnok - me come to challenge you
to fight a duel.
BLOODNOK: Fight a duel? I refuse sir! I'll fight
anyone else but a duel.
MAD MULLAH: Bloodnok - you're acting like a coward.
BLOODNOK: I'm not acting!
MAD MULLAH: Name your weapon!
BLOODNOK: As an Englishman sir I choose the
weapons of my country.
MAD MULLAH: What?
BLOODNOK: Conkers sir!
MAD MULLAH: Conkers mate? You make me laugh mate.
BLOODNOK: What!? I'll show you - step out side!
FX: Door
opens and closes.
BLOODNOK: That's got rid of him.
MAD MULLAH: That's what you think!
BLOODNOK: (Fear)
Arrgghh Ohoho Arhohoho ohohoho! So you're back! Well I'm going to teach you
a lesson sir. Son of mullah, stand where you are. Captain Seagoon…
SEAGOON: Sir?
BLOODNOK: Stand on that chair over there.
SEAGOON: Right sir.
BLOODNOK: Eccles?
ECCLES: Yeargh?
BLOODNOK: Stand on top of that cupboard with this
picture of Queen Victoria.
ECCLES: Ok.
BLOODNOK: Sergeant O'Malley?
O’MALLEY:[24] Yes sir?
BLOODNOK: You stand in this elephants foot
umbrella.
O’MALLEY: Right sir.
SEAGOON: What does Bluebottle do?
BLUEBOTTLE: I'll wrap myself in this cardboard Union
Jack and lay under the sink.
SEAGOON: Well thought out lad.
BLOODNOK: We'll show you mad mullah. Abdul?
ABDUL: Yes sir?
BLOODNOK: Kneel behind this copy of the Times and
I'll lay this in a hammock over the stove and hold this feather.
ABDUL: Alright sir.
BLOODNOK: There now. Son of mullah ...
MAD MULLAH: Now what?
BLOODNOK: Now – GET OUT!!!
MAD MULLAH: Alright Bloodnok. You win by a brilliant
underhand trick. I give up. I’ll lay my cards on the table.
BLOODNOK: Gad! Sixteen. Pay pontoons only.
FX: Money
from till.
BLOODNOK: Thank you gentlemen. Tomorrow, Jim
Bowler son of Tom.
ORCHESTRA: Thin
gong.
HERN: Well, I'm afraid the time’s up folks,
and nobody guessed any of our contestants occupations. So will the constants
all line up and tell the listeners what's their line?
SEAGOON: I'm an idiot.
ECCLES: I'm an idiot.
BLUEBOTTLE: I'm an idiot.
HERN: Well - yes, all the contestants have
guessed their own occupations correctly, so goodnight from "What's My
Line".
GRAMS: Mad cheering.
ORCHESTRA: Closing
theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded
programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the
Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally
Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and
Larry Stephens, announcer Wallace Greenslade. Programme produced by Pat Dixon.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.
YTI 