GOON SHOW: TLO 12681
7TH SERIES: No 1
BROADCAST: 4 Oct
1956 [1]
GREENSLADE: This is the
BBC Home Service
GRAMS: Enormous
raspberry
MILLIGAN: Excuse me,
what is the price of sliced ham per portion?
GREENSLADE: (serious) I really couldn't say.
MILLIGAN: Blast! [2]
GREENSLADE: Yes. Well
now, this is the BBC Home Service. Had you been alive at 3am on the 3rd of
Autumn 1956, and switched on your wireless, you would have heard this... (silence) It wasn't much of a program,
was it? If you had tuned in at nine o'clock, you would have heard...
GRAMS: Time signal at
regular speed. Repeat faster. End with duck quack.
SELLERS: (Serious announcer) Good morning. Here
is the news. We regret to announce that the Burami Oasis situation has
deteriorated. The British garrison is under constant attack from Sheik Rattle and
Roll. [3]
Sheik Rattle and Roll you will recall was sent down from Magdalen College,
Oxford for attacking the British garrison there. [4]
Service Chief's have called up the following classes - upper, middle and lower.
They will report to their nearest, at their earliest.
SEAGOON: Yes, dear
listeners; that same morning...
GRAMS: "It's a long
way to Tipperary." Gradually speed up.[5]
SEAGOON: I received my
papers. I read the sports page and reported for duty. Hup!
GRAMS: Bugle call. Vary the speed slightly.
FX: Door rapidly opening.
SEAGOON: Neddie
Seagoon reporting for duty, sir!
GRYTPYPE: We'll never
win. A-hem. Erm, name?
SEAGOON: Seagoon.
GRYTPYPE: Sex?
SEAGOON: Yes please.
GRYTPYPE: With or
without?
SEAGOON: With.
GRYTPYPE: I see. Now
then Seagoon, what made you join the army?
SEAGOON: An armed
escort and two military policemen.
FX: Scribbling noises under.
GRYTPYPE: ‘Patriotic volunteer’. Now what were you
in civilian life?
SEAGOON: I was an
admiral in the Royal Navy.
GRYTPYPE: I say – you've
left a well paid job.
SEAGOON: Yes! That's
why I'm here! There must be some mistake!
GRYTPYPE: Ha ha ha! There
must be. You an Admiral? (Laughing) By
Jove, yes...
SEAGOON: What what
what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what
what? How dare you insult a man wearing the Queen's open neck shirt, flannelled
trousers, flat cap, and boots?
GRYTPYPE: I'm so sorry.
I beg your pardon.
SEAGOON: You don't
seem to realise, I've served on the H.M.S. Thespis [6]
since my father died. You see the H.M.S. Thespis is a family business. Father
put it in his wife's name.
GRYTPYPE: What was her
name?
SEAGOON: H.M.S. Thespis
GRYTPYPE: What was her
maiden name?
SEAGOON: The Yarmouth
Belle.[7]
GRYTPYPE: How she must
have suffered.
SEAGOON: What what
what what what what what what? (Continues
clucking under.)
GRYTPYPE: Relax Admiral
Seagoon. We know you're a Naval man, that's why we sent for you – you see the
Army is desperately short of sailors.
SEAGOON: I'm sorry to
hear that. We had a terrible shortage of soldiers in the Navy.
GRYTPYPE: Snap! Now
Admiral… you don't mind my calling you
by your first name?
SEAGOON: Touché. Fred Touché.
GRYTPYPE: Well Admiral
Fred, the garrison at Burami Oasis is under constant siege. Now there's only
one way to deal with these turbaned devils of brown…. we're going to – wait a
minute, wait for it… WE’RE GOING TO SEND
A GUNBOAT![8]
GRAMS: Tumultuous
cheers. Fade in "Land of Hope and Glory" with brass band and massed choir.
SEAGOON: Yes it was
action at last, That night I called the Chiefs of Army, Navy, and NAAFI, to
hear my plan of attack.[9]
CAST: Muttering and occasional rhubarb etc
SEAGOON: Gentlemen! I
have here a statue of the situation at the Burami Oasis.
SPRIGGS: (From the back benches.) Thank you.
SEAGOON: The Arabs, as
you can see, are attacking our garrison at night only,
SPRIGGS: Ohrrrou. Does
this mean that our troops are fighting in their pyjamas?
SEAGOON: I fear so.
OFFICER:[10] Gad! It must be
hell out there.
SEAGOON: Any
questions?
OFFICER: Yes. Can't we
arrange for the Arabs to attack in the daytime?
SEAGOON: No – they
charge twice as much to attack in the day. After sundown it's only two and six
a battle.
GREENSLADE: Sir, would it
not be worth the extra costs, so that our men could be spared the indignity of
fighting in their night attire?
SEAGOON: Gentleman. I
have overcome that difficulty with a cunning move. (Laughs) Heh heh heh heh. Our troops now wear battle dress at night
and pyjamas in the daytime.
CAST: Bravo &c.
SEAGOON: Any more
questions?
MILLIGAN: Yes, could
you tell me the price of sliced ham per portion?
SEAGOON: No.
MILLIGAN: Blast!
SEAGOON: So then
gentlemen, intelligence tells us the reasons for these attacks are the Burami
garrison is to play football next month.
CAST: What a
devilish plan! (Extended)
SEAGOON: There's more
to come Jim! The idea of the attack is to tire our men so as to guarantee an
Arab football victory.[11]
CAST: (Variously) Shame! Devilish! Absolute
shame! Devilish plan!
SEAGOON: Tonight the
Navy is on the march! Quickly MARCH!
GRAMS: Battalion
marching. Start slowly and gradually wind up the speed.
SEAGOON: (Over. Gradually getting quicker and
higher.) Left right left right left right left right left right left right
left right left right left right left right left right left right left right
left right left right left right left right left right left right left right
left right…
GRAMS: Suddenly
stop.
SEAGOON: (Suddenly normal voice) …left.
SELLERS: Yes, that
night the H.M.S. Thespis – forty two thousand tons, was broken up into four
inch squares and packed into crates cunningly marked “Date Fertilizer – this
way up”.
MORIARTY: Sapristi
reeking Rapallo holiday.[12]
Did you hear that Grytpype? They're sending a battleship to the Burami Oasis.
Ooooooooo, power, power!
Pooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwaawwwwwwwaawwwwwwwaaaaaoooow!
GRYTPYPE: Stop sweating
Moriarty - you steaming French nit! The Oasis is only ten feet long. They'll
never get a battleship in it!
MORIARTY: They could
stand it up on one end...
GRYTPYPE: The British
don't operate that way.
MORIARTY: Nonsense!
I've seen them walking to work like that. You’ve heard of the Bakerloo line?
GRYTPYPE: Of course - have
you really? Well then I shall have to speak to our agent in Burami Oasis
immediately. (shouting) Hello, Burami
Oasis?
ELLINGTON: (Off mic) Helloooooo mate!
GRYTPYPE: Shhush! Don't
raise your voice, you might be overlooked! Where are you standing?
ELLINGTON: (Still off mic) On my feet!
GRYTPYPE: Are they
disguised?
ELLINGTON: Yes!
GRYTPYPE: Splendid! Now
on no account let them use a telephone.
ELLINGTON: Yah toola
hoola dingle.
GRYTPYPE: Because you
fool, another foot is tapping it! Now listen carefully, do you know what the
British are up to?
ELLINGTON: Yeah, they're
up to the end of 1956.
GRYTPYPE: Blast! That
mean's they've caught us up. Quick Moriarty, put up a calendar for 1958. That'll
give us a two year lead![13]
ELLINGTON: Oooh, me warn
you! If Arab football team no beat British garrison team, you get no more
money. Goodbye.
GRYTPYPE: I didn't like
the sound of it Moriarty. We must get to Burami Oasis at once. Now hand me that
boat, and unwrap Max Geldray.
GELDRAY: Oh, hello boys...[14]
GELDRAY - "WHEN YOU’RE SMILING"[15]
ORCHESTRA: Oriental fanfare
GRAMS: Fade in native tribal singing under.
GREENSLADE: The
increasingly sordid affair at Burami Oasis, part-human. For dancing enthusiasts
the rest of the show will be played in slow foxtrot time.[16]
Over now to the beleaguered garrison at Burami.
GRAMS: Battle noises.
Native shouting, trumpeting elephants, distant drums. SINGHEZ-THINGZ: (Approaching) Major… Major Bloodnok! The
Arabs are attacking for the first time in this series! (Arsenal three,
Tottenham one. Hooray!)
BLOODNOK: What? Arrrrrioioooaaoeeoeewwwee.
Ooooiiiiaaaaooooww. Ow! Oooh!
SINGHEZ-THINGZ: OOH!
BLOODNOK: That's
better. Oh, oohooh. Excuse me Bombay babie my dear. I can't understand Arabs
attacking in the daytime – they'll never learn the tango this way. Oh dear. I…
TROOPER:[17] Sir, sir,
there's an Arab riding down on us on a flaming stallion!
BLOODNOK: Watch your
language!
TROOPER: English sir –
what's yours?
BLOODNOK: The same!
Interpreter, you can go home.
THROAT: Right mate!
TROOPER: There's the
flaming Arab.
BLOODNOK: Mind your
language! There may be sensitive Scots Guardsmen present.
FLOWERDEW: It’s all
right. I don't mind really. Honestly, it's quite all right.
BLOODNOK: Sellers! How
dare you change your voice from mine into his for one joke only! Now I shall
show these turbaned wogs of brown who's master of this oasis. (Shouts) Abdul hand me my...
FX: Heavy knocking.
BLOODNOK: It's a lie.
It's a lie! We're just good friends I tell you! (Get out the back way dear!) Oohhh!
(Mind the thunderbox will you?) Oohhh!
FX: More heavy knocking.
ELLINGTON: Open up, cor
blimey, or I smash my fist down!
BLOODNOK: Oooohhh! It's
Sheik Rattle and Roll! Oh Abdul, hand me my blacking up cowards disguise kit
will you?
FX: Knocking again.
BLOODNOK: Ooohh! Just a
moment Mr. Roll, er – my wife isn't dressed yet.
ELLINGTON: (Off mic.) How long she going to be,
mate?
BLOODNOK: I'll write to
her in London and find out. Where's my pen?
FX: Typewriter under.
BLOODNOK: Dear
Volumnia, I am writing to find out how long you will take before...
FX: Door being broken down
ELLINGTON: Yim bom boola,
mate!
BLOODNOK: How dare you yim
bom boola in my tent. Wait a moment! Nadger me standing load! You're not Sheik
Rattle and Roll – you look like Ray Ellington!
ELLINGTON: I am! Me
forced to take extra parts. Need money. Married recently.[18]
BLOODNOK: I understand!
I understand - oohh ho ho hoho, ohho hoho! Me married myself! Ohh hohoho!
ELLINGTON: Me done
better! Me married my girl – more fun!
BLOODNOK: Ooohhhh
hohohoho! You naughty imbalatoola you! Ooooohhaahoho!
FX: Telephone rings.
BLOODNOK: Oohhh! What
what what!?
FX: Receiver picked up.
BLOODNOK: Hello?
GREENSLADE: (On phone.) The nasty affair at the
Burami Oasis, part four.
BLOODNOK: Right,
reverse the charge please. Now Sheik, state your business.
ELLINGTON: You four week
behind with rent.
BLOODNOK: What!?
Nonsense! Get out of my tent or I'll call the manager.
ELLINGTON: You no bluff
me! Look, your rent book – three pound ten owing.
BLOODNOK: What? I can
get an oasis down the road for half that. Look here in the evening wog mail. Look!
ELLINGTON: What?
FX: Newspaper rustling.
BLOODNOK: (Reading) ‘To let; self contained oasis,
third floor, share harem. Twelve and six. Suit cowardly British garrison’.
There you are.
ELLINGTON: Me don't wish
to know that. Me want my back rent. Me behind in instalments on sun lamp.
BLOODNOK: What? You
steaming son of the sands. I know! Abdul – hand me my British military-type
saxophone. Now…
ORCHESTRA: Dodgy saxophone
version of ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ with ‘nanny-goat’ vibrato.
ELLINGTON: Stop
Bloodnok! Stop! You win. You got bigger bore saxophone than me, and dumdum
music. But I reek revenge soon. Giddup!
FX: Chicken clucking. Horses hooves under. Fade chicken and
hooves together.
BLOODNOK: He's not so
well off riding his dinner. [19]
ORCHESTRA: Safari style link.
SEAGOON: Yes, immediately
on arrival at the oasis we began to open the crates, having first disguised
ourselves as chickens.
GRAMS: Wooden slats being prised apart. Fade in
sounds of broody chickens.
SEAGOON: (You can't be
too careful.) Pardon me. (Chicken sounds)
Bwark bwark bwark bwaaaaaark!…
FLOWERDEW: Pardon me
sir, I think somebody's overacting.
SEAGOON: Why?
FLOWERDEW: We've just
found an egg.
SEAGOON: What what
what what what what what what what what bwark bwark bwark bwark bwark-bwark? (clucks) Then there's an impostor
amongst us! I'll find him. Men – assume your own voices and from the left, NUMBER!
SOLDIER 1:[20] One!
GREENSLADE: Two!
SOLDIER 2: Three!
GREENSLADE: Four!
SOLDIER 3: Five!
MILLIGAN: Bwark!
SEAGOON: That's him! March
that chicken away.
MILLIGAN: Bwark, bwark
bwark bwark bwark!
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.
GREENSLADE: That night,
by the light of the Araby-type moon,[21]
they began to assemble the giant battleship prior to launching it in the oasis.
A master technician was in charge.
FX: Hammer on iron piping.
ECCLES: (Sings) ‘Oh,
foot and mouth with me’...
‘By
the dustbins of Rome’... [22]
It's ok folks – I ain't the master
technician. Hahahaha!
BLUEBOTTLE: No. I am the
master technician![23]
ECCLES: Wait a minute
Bottle. How long have you been a master tung-tunk-a-nition?
BLUEBOTTLE: I'm not going
to tell you Eccles.
ECCLES: Ok, Bot-tle. Ok,
don't tell me. (Goes off singing.)
‘By
the dustbins of Rome’...
‘I
found that melody divine’…
BLUEBOTTLE: No, wait a
minute! Don't leave me here in the dark! I’ll tell you…
ECCLES: (Off) I don't want to know!
BLUEBOTTLE: (Off) Come back. Eccles! Eccles! Come
back Eccles. Where are you?
ECCLES: (Suddenly on mic) I'm here.
BLUEBOTTLE: (Approaching.) Oohh! Eccles I'm so glad
you're here…
SEAGOON: SILENCE!
ECCLES: Ohhh, you got
more applause than me...
SEAGOON: What! What!
What! What! What! What! What! What!
ECCLES: I don't like it
- he got more clapping than me.
SEAGOON: I don't wish
to know that Eccles. Now then men...
ECCLES: He’s got more
tickets in… What?!
SEAGOON: (Blows raspberry) MEN! We've got half an
hour till dawn.
BLUEBOTTLE: Thank you
Captain.
SEAGOON: Shut up Bluebottle!
ECCLES: Shut up
Bluebottle!
BLUEBOTTLE: Shut up
Eccles!
ECCLES: Shut up Eccles!
CAST: (Shut ups – extended)[24]
SEAGOON: We've got
till dawn to assemble the battleship and launch it in the oasis. Ready? GO!
GRAMS: Shipbuilding noises
at speed. Stops abruptly.
SEAGOON: Right.
Flowerdew?
FLOWERDEW: Yes sir?
SEAGOON: Run up a
flag.
FLOWERDEW: I'll get the
sewing machine sir.
SEAGOON: Yes dear
listeners, there she is. Now to get her into the water. Eccles?
ECCLES: SHUT UP! Oh… yeah?
SEAGOON: You lift the
sharp end, you take the blunt end. I'll be on the bridge. Somebody's got to
steer. Ahem. Now together – LIFT!
ECCLES & BLUEBOTTLE: (Straining) Oooooohh, eeeee.
ECCLES: (Distant) Hey Bottle. You lifting your
end?
BLUEBOTTLE: 'Course I'm
lifting.
ECCLES: (Distant) Ohh. I'd better lift my end
then.
BLUEBOTTLE: You ain't half
a rotten swine you are. (Strains) Unghh.
ECCLES: You got more
clapping than me.
BLUEBOTTLE: Eeeeehhh.
Ooohhh. Eeeeaaaooo. Ooooo. All this strain-inge can harm a lad you know? Eeeee.
FX: Iron bar falls onto concrete.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ooohh! My
knees have fallen off![25]
SEAGOON: Never mind,
lad. Here - have a fresh pair. I always carry them since that dreadful affair
at the Mister Fresh contest 1956. Now come on, lift!
CAST: (Straining) Eeeeeoooooh!
GREENSLADE: Ladies and
gentlemen, with only two men to carry the battleship, an unexpected time lapse
has occurred. To fill it, Ray Ellington will spon.
RAY ELLINGTON: - ‘Baby, Baby, that Man Ain’t No Good.’ [26]
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.
GRAMS:
Seagulls and waves.
GREENSLADE: Once afloat
in the oasis the battleship dropped anchor. All sailors on board were cunningly
disguised as Arabs.
ANCIENT SEA
DOG:[27] Just before
dawn, two thousand Arabs, (cunningly disguised as sailors), crept up to the
oasis...
GRAMS: Vessel hitting
sandbank.
BLUEBOTTLE: Captain!
Captain! Wake up.
SEAGOON: What what
what what? (Morning mouth.) How dare
you wake me up when I'm on duty?
BLUEBOTTLE: Captain, we
have been runn’d aground.
SEAGOON: Nonsense!
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes – it's
true! Them naughty Arabs took’d all the oasis water away in wog bottles!
SEAGOON: The Burami
Oasis dry? Nonsense! Haha! Eccles?
ECCLES: (Distant) Yep?
SEAGOON: Dive over the
side!
ECCLES: Ok!
FX: Boots running across decking. Short silence – thud of body
on ground.
ECCLES: (Distant) Ohh! Come on in. The sand's
lovely and warm.
SEAGOON: Needle nardle
noo! Isotopes brew! Then it's true – shipwrecked in an oasis. Man the pumps,
boots and plimsolls. Lower the lifeboats!
GRAMS: Massed hysteria. Female screaming. Boots
running away.
MIDDLE AGED SEADOG:[28]
(Distant.)
Moby dick on
the Bernard Miles!
SEAGOON: Don't panic!
I'm the captain of this shipwreck. It there’s any panicking to be done, I'll do
it.[29]
MILLIGAN: Pardon me, Captain
– pardon me. Can you tell me the price of smoked ham per small portion?
SEAGOON: Twenty seven
and six.
MILLIGAN: Ohh.
FX: Gunshot.
MILLIGAN: Uuurgh!
MINNIE: (Approaching) Ohhh min-ma-middle-doh.
Maaoohh ohhh oooo ooeeooooo yiddledoh. What time do we get to Margate Pier,
young man?[30]
SEAGOON: What! A woman
on board a British battleship? I must court-martial myself. Admiral Seagoon?
Shun!
GRAMS: Company
coming to attention.
SEAGOON: Admiral
Seagoon? Yes, sir? You are charged with having a Minnie Bannister on board your
ship. Is that true? It's a lie! Case dismissed! THANK YOU! Now we must recover
that water from the Arabs to refloat this ship. (Calls) FULL SPEED A-HEAD!
GRAMS: Hawsers. Anchors aweigh. Waves and ships
hooter.
GREENSLADE: Cynical
listeners may question the possibility of sailing a battleship on sand.
Meantime, at the Arab fortress of Rasher el Bacon...[31]
GRAMS: Wog dance music.
Fade.
GRYTPYPE: Nice little
fort you've got here, Sheik.
ELLINGTON: Yes, just a
little thing my wife ran up.
GRYTPYPE: You dance
divinely.
MORIARTY: Excuse me
Grytpype – there's a battleship outside to see you.
GRYTPYPE: Anyone we
know?
MORIARTY: I don't know
sir, but he's wearing a turban.
GRYTPYPE: Then it's one
of ours. Come in!
FX: Door opens.
CAST: (Straining
behind)
SEAGOON: Steady with
the bow. Down on your left. The other way round... Get the guns facing ‘em. Right
– pull the blanket off. HANDS UP!
GRYTPYPE: Damn! Trapped
by a brilliant stratagem, and a common or garden forty-four-thousand ton
battleship.
SEAGOON: Right,
Colonel Thynne you traitor. Hand over the water of the Burami Oasis.
GRYTPYPE: Seagoon, drop
that battleship. One step nearer and my men will drink the Burami Oasis!
SEAGOON: You wouldn't
dare!
GRYTPYPE: No? Men!
Uncork bottles!
GRAMS: Bottles being uncorked. Various pitches.
GRYTPYPE: There
Seagoon! They're ready to drink.
SEAGOON: Stalemate!
MORIARTY: Stale mate?
It was fresh this morning mate!
GRYTPYPE: What?
SEAGOON: So we faced
each other. The Arabs with the precious bottles oasis water poised at their
lips and we covering them with the sixteen inch guns of our battleships. I had
to think of something.[32]
Diana Dors. No. No. An adjustable spanner. No. A sink pump.[33]
No. Diana Dors. No, no!! A telephone – that was it! A telephone.
FX: Telephone rings.[34]
SEAGOON: Hello?
BLOODNOK: (On phone) Bloodnok here.
SEAGOON: Bloodnok!
BLOODNOK: (On phone) Shoosh! Don't raise your
voice, it might be seen. I say, Seagoon... something terrible has happened,
I've been robbed of twenty thousand gallons of gin!
SEAGOON: Where was it?
BLOODNOK: (On phone) In the Burami Oasis!
SEAGOON: What?
BLOODNOK: (On phone) In the Burami Oasis! Yes!
Years ago I drained all the water out and filled it up with gin on account of
the shortage, you know.
SEAGOON: Thank you.
FX: Phone into cradle.
SEAGOON: (Laughs) Ha ha ha! Gin? They'll never
win the football match now! Colonel Thynne, we're coming to get that water.
Drink it if you dare! Men, FORWARD!
GRYTPYPE: All right –
DRINK!
GRAMS: Massed gurgling;
liquid going down a huge drain. Fade under.
SEAGOON: Yes dear
listeners. Without knowing it the fools were drinking twenty thousand gallons
of neat gin.
GRAMS: Fade in cheers of football crowd.
SEAGOON: Ha ha ha! Now
for the football match.
GRAMS: Swell crowd noise.
SEAGOON: Sure enough
that evening the Arab football team staggered onto the field in no condition to
play. The result of the match was a forgone conclusion…
GREENSLADE: British
garrison, twelve – drunken Arabs, sixty eight. Which just goes to prove that
gin is a dashed good drink. Goodnight.
ORCHESTRA: End theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the
Goon Show, a BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe Spike
Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, and Max Geldray. The Orchestra was
conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stevens, announcer
Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.
YTI
[1] Milligan and Stephens began the
seventh series writing to Milligan’s strength, ie: his overseas experiences.
Spike’s most successful and evocative writing in the Goon shows was those
episodes set in India, the Middle East and North Africa, lands he had lived in
or visited and could conjure up easily on radio. For at heart I believe
Milligan was an impressionistic writer, something which is a key to
understanding both his phraseology and the impressive flights of fancy which
occur under the cover of ‘humour’ in his shows. His impressionistic writing
however was often mingled with sharp turns of observational reality
masquerading as comedy. (Eg: Seagoon’s description of the Himalayas in “Shangri-La Again” 8/6th, and
Seller’s description of an afternoon in an Indian cantonment in “The Red Fort.” 7/8th) He seemed to need his exotic background
and overseas experiences as a base on which the mix his humourous palate of
jokes, because at heart Milligan found his humour in ‘dislocation’ –
utilitarian dislocation, moral dislocation and existential dislocation, so it
can be said that his comedy has its roots in seemingly disparate elements out
of order with each other – battleships in oases, French noblemen living in
gutters, and Eccles swimming from 1600 to 1957 to bury treasure.
This
need for ‘reality’ as a basis for the shows caused Milligan and Stephens to
continually mine the news media and films for incidences which fired Milligan’s
overstretched imagination. The seventh series was to include shows concerning
India, poetry, a banana republic, the invention of the plane, the invention of
a script, King Arthur, Robin Hood, Samuel Pepys, Thor Heyerdahl, Pliny the
Elder, insurance, the Birmingham ring road, World War II, a ship canal and
antiques.
The
sheer variety of scripts he wrote – the exhilarating assortment of subject
matters he confronted, makes one notice how well he observed current events,
current feelings, current shifts in fashion and fancy, and above all how well
he judged the public’s taste for nostalgia. He never overloaded the series with
too many shows about one certain setting or one particular subject. He balanced
everything with a keen eye levelling the past, present and future into a whole.
In
this show for example, he latched onto current world events. The Burami oasis
situation had captured world headlines from September 1952 and would continue
to until 1959. The place is actually called the Buraimi Oasis and lies on the
border of the UAE in the north and Oman to the south. Saudi Wahhabis invaded in
1952 and claimed the area for Saudi Arabia. International pressure eventually
helped Abu Dhabi and Oman expel the invaders without major incident.
[2] It is tempting to read this
Milliganesque non-sequitur as a comment on rationing, but in reality ham had
been derationed in the autumn of 1953. Sugar, fats, meat and bacon became
freely available in July 1954. But other internal Goon evidence suggests that
Milligan was sorely tried by the standard of pork products in the mid fifties.
In “The Fireball of Milton Street” (22/5th ) he
twice asks the searching question, “Where is the crispy bacon we had before
the war?” Apparently the standard of pork products was still unsatisfactory
18 months later.
[3] The actual leader was Turki bin Abdulla bin Utaishan, who had at his disposal 40 armed Wahhabis. The song quote however reflects the ongoing popularity of Elvis Presley (1935-1977) who had released his own version of the Bill Haley & His Comets’ hit single “Shake Rattle & Roll” in September 1956.
[4] Magdalen College Oxford (pronounced
“Maudlin”) is one of the constituent colleges at the University of Oxford,
founded by the Bishop of Winchester in 1448. The noted Arabist T.E. Lawrence
(Lawrence of Arabia) did postgraduate research at this institution from 1910.
[5] “It’s
A Long Way to Tipperary” was a music hall number written by Judge &
Williams, allegedly for a five shilling bet in 1912. The song was popularised
by the Connaught Rangers, who sung it as they marched through Boulogne in
August 1914 and witnessed by a correspondent from the Daily Mail.
[6] There has never been a British Naval
vessel named Thespis. Thespis, the God of theatre and theatrical performers, is
also mythologised as a mischievous spirit, causing things to go wrong during a
performance. This, of course, would never do in the Armed Forces.
[7] The “Yarmouth Belle” was (and still
remains) a Thames pleasure launch, built in 1892.
[8] This famous phrase was uttered many
times in the British Parliament from 1854 until 1904, a period when gunboat
diplomacy was commonplace in the execution of British overseas policy. The
three interlinking rings of British Imperial power were ‘colonies, commerce and
sea power,’ hence the subjugation, exploitation and policing of foreign
peoples, the maintenance of re-fuelling stations and trading routes were all
dependent upon the Royal Navy’s ability to act speedily and effectively to
counter threats. Merely the threat of a British blockade, or Naval action often
brought small foreign governments efficiently to their knees.
[9] The NAAFI, one of Milligan’s favourite
humourous targets, is an organisation created by the British Government to run
recreational facilities for the members of the Armed Services. Nowadays it runs clubs, bars, shops,
supermarkets, launderettes,
restaurants, cafés and other facilities on most British bases and on board R.N.
ships. Milligan hated their food – especially the ‘cold collation.’
[10] Sellers.
[11] This use of football as a plot
device is one of two in the Goon literature. The other is in “The Whistling Spy Enigma” (1/5th). The imaginative match between the Arab
and English team may well have been inspired by the disastrous game between
England by Hungary in 1953 at Wembley, when the ninety year mythical reign by
England over the game came to an end at the hands of the now legendary team of
‘Magnificent Magyars,’ six to four.
[12] Rapallo is a coastal town in the
province of Genoa, in Liguria, Northern Italy. The only connection that I can
find that links Spike with this town is that earlier this same year the famous
British writer, characaturist and parodyist Max Beerbohm had died there,
[13] A Milligan comic invention –
transposition of time.
[14] This sounds like Bluebottle, but
repeated listening suggests that it could in fact be Geldray doing his own
Bluebottle impersonation. He was not the only one doing Bluebottle impressions.
HRH the Prince of Wales was annoying his brothers and sister at the same time
with his own version of the voice, as were a growing band of little schoolboys
all over the Commonwealth.
[15] By Shay, Fisher and Goodwin. Louis
Armstrong recorded it as far back as 1929. His most recent version had appeared
in 1956.
[16] Named after its inventor, the US vaudeville actor Harry Fox. The dance premiered in 1914 and gradually crept into legitimate dance halls and music venues. By the time of “The Desert Song” (Romberg, Hammerstein II & Harbach, 1926) its quickstep and slow versions were appearing in musicals and onstage. By the late 50’s however it had become old fashioned, and was being replaced by the newly emerging ‘rock and roll’.
[17] Secombe with a Welsh accent.
[18] Indeed he had. Ray Ellington married
Anita West in 1956, when Ray
was 40 and Anita – (an actress) 19 years his junior. They were to have two
children; Lance and Nina.
[19] One of Spike’s comic obsessions was
with chickens – specifically chickens combined with transportation. In an
incident in Algeria during WWII, an enterprising soldier in his battalion
bought dozens of eggs from an Arab farmer as they marched through a native
village on their way to camp. With no means to carry them, the whole regiment
was seconded to clutch one each.
“Puzzled
wayfarers watched as British soldiers marched by, clutching eggs accompanied by
mass clucking.” (“Rommel? Gunner Who?” p – 25)
Spike
returned to this idea again and again during his career. For him the event was
a practical demonstration of how ‘comic dislocation’ (see Ref. 1) could join
two seemingly disparate elements together and come up with dislocated humour.
In this series ‘chickens + transport’ appear in “The Nadger Plague” (3/7th)
and “The Missing Boa-Constrictor.”
(24/7th)
[20] The
order of the voices in the next six lines are – Milligan, Greenslade, Sellers, Greenslade,
Sellers then Milligan.
[21] The word ‘Araby’ was a colloquial
version of ‘Arabic.’ It had been made common parlance by the 1921 tin-pan alley
number “The Sheik of Araby.”
Rewritten and retitled in 1926 “That
Night in Araby,” it was recorded by Fats Waller and later by Fats Domino.
[22] The
second line is a spoof on ‘By the
Fountains of Rome’ – words by Norman Newell; music by Matyas Seiber. The
welsh tenor David Hughes had
had a hit in the UK singles chart with this song earlier that same year.
[23] The proof that Bluebottle and Eccles
are modelled on Edgington and Milligan is undeniable. Like Spike and Harry they
are both technicians, both from inner London, both on the front line and are
usually found on some sort of sentry duty. A detailed reading of the War
Memoirs supplies more background to their relationship, but also hints at the
fact that Spike considered Harry a bit of a clumsy oaf on occasions.
[24] Gradually as the series progresses,
Eccles becomes the butt of more direct abuse and becomes less and less compos
mentis. The trait of yelling “shut up!” at him dates from this series.
[25] This is another of Milligan’s comic
fixations – hernias. The subject appears in book 1 of the War Memoirs and again
in book V – on both occasions associated with Spike’s trumpet playing.
[26] The correct title seems to have been
“Stranded in the Jungle” and was
written by a member of the west coast harmony group ‘Jayhawks’ in 1956. In
spite of the recording’s low fidelity and the Jayhawk’s shaky harmony, the song
became an instant hit. Modern Records, recognizing the song’s potential,
recorded a more polished version with the “Cadets” almost immediately. Their
version of this novelty rock number peaked at #15 in the USA, beating the
Jayhawk’s version by three places.
[27] Sellers.
[28] Sellers. He is referring to Bernard
Miles, (Baron Miles;
1907-1991) English character actor, writer and director. His specialty was
country accents, particularly those of Hertfordshire and Buckinghamshire. He
was renowned for his performances of Long John Silver in the annual performances
of ‘Treasure Island’ at the Mermaid
Theatre. Whenever Spike set the Goon Show afloat, the un-seaworthy cast would
traditionally call out his name from the mizzen mast, or vomit. (See “Tales of Old Dartmoor” 21/6th).
[29] Secombe misreads the line. He says,
“If there’s any Cap… If there’s any panicking to be done - &c”
[30] But alas – Margate Pier (built in
1810 - 1815) is now no more, destroyed in a violent gale in 1978.
[31] Milligan is using the Arabic name
‘Rasheed’ here. It is a common first name in the Islamic world, meaning
‘rightly guided’, which actually supplies the punch line for the ongoing gag
about the standard of bacon.
[32] Notice Moriarty’s background noises
during Seagoon’s speech. Milligan usually ‘joined in’ whenever he was nervous
about the script’s reception.
[33] This is extremely vulgar. Diana Dors
(born Diana Mary Fluck in Swindon, 1931) was the classic English blonde
bombshell, and film actress. Her sex-themed comedies were extremely popular.
Spike’s mention of a sink pump is deliberate in this context. Read his war
memoirs the find which soldier in his platoon was equipped with genitals of
this size and shape.
[34] Spike was to develop this idea later
in the eighth series. The concept that just by thinking of something, one could
make the object appear is explored bit by bit over the next few years. (Eg “The Stolen Postman” 11/8th when
the cast have a battle with each other by just “thinking” of a particular
weapon.) It also led to the famous Greenslade line spoken at the end of many of
the later shows – “It’s all in the MIND you know.”