THE NASTY AFFAIR AT THE BURAMI OASIS
GOON SHOW: TLO 12681
7TH SERIES: No 1
BROADCAST: 4 Oct
1956 [1]
by Spike Milligan and Larry
Stephens
GREENSLADE: This is the
BBC Home Service
GRAMS: Enormous
raspberry
MILLIGAN: Excuse me,
what is the price of sliced ham per portion?
GREENSLADE: (serious) I really couldn't say.
MILLIGAN: Blast! [2]
GREENSLADE: Yes. Well
now, this is the BBC Home Service. Had you been alive at 3am on the 3rd of
Autumn 1956, and switched on your wireless, you would have heard this... (silence) It wasn't much of a program,
was it? If you had tuned in at nine o'clock, you would have heard...
GRAMS: Time signal at
regular speed. Repeat faster. End with duck quack.
SELLERS: (Serious announcer) Good morning. Here
is the news. We regret to announce that the Burami Oasis situation has
deteriorated. The British garrison is under constant attack from Sheik Rattle and
Roll. [3]
Sheik Rattle and Roll you will recall was sent down from Magdalen College,
Oxford for attacking the British garrison there. [4]
Service Chief's have called up the following classes - upper, middle and lower.
They will report to their nearest, at their earliest.
SEAGOON: Yes, dear
listeners; that same morning...
GRAMS: "It's a long
way to Tipperary." Gradually speed up.[5]
SEAGOON: I received my
papers. I read the sports page and reported for duty. Hup!
GRAMS: Bugle call. Vary the speed slightly.
FX: Door rapidly opening.
SEAGOON: Neddie
Seagoon reporting for duty, sir!
GRYTPYPE: We'll never
win. A-hem. Erm, name?
SEAGOON: Seagoon.
GRYTPYPE: Sex?
SEAGOON: Yes please.
GRYTPYPE: With or
without?
SEAGOON: With.
GRYTPYPE: I see. Now
then Seagoon, what made you join the army?
SEAGOON: An armed
escort and two military policemen.
FX: Scribbling noises under.
GRYTPYPE: ‘Patriotic volunteer’. Now what were you
in civilian life?
SEAGOON: I was an
admiral in the Royal Navy.
GRYTPYPE: I say – you've
left a well paid job.
SEAGOON: Yes! That's
why I'm here! There must be some mistake!
GRYTPYPE: Ha ha ha! There
must be. You an Admiral? (Laughing) By
Jove, yes...
SEAGOON: What what
what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what
what? How dare you insult a man wearing the Queen's open neck shirt, flannelled
trousers, flat cap, and boots?
GRYTPYPE: I'm so sorry.
I beg your pardon.
SEAGOON: You don't
seem to realise, I've served on the H.M.S. Thespis [6]
since my father died. You see the H.M.S. Thespis is a family business. Father
put it in his wife's name.
GRYTPYPE: What was her
name?
SEAGOON: H.M.S. Thespis
GRYTPYPE: What was her
maiden name?
SEAGOON: The Yarmouth
Belle.[7]
GRYTPYPE: How she must
have suffered.
SEAGOON: What what
what what what what what what? (Continues
clucking under.)
GRYTPYPE: Relax Admiral
Seagoon. We know you're a Naval man, that's why we sent for you – you see the
Army is desperately short of sailors.
SEAGOON: I'm sorry to
hear that. We had a terrible shortage of soldiers in the Navy.
GRYTPYPE: Snap! Now
Admiral… you don't mind my calling you
by your first name?
SEAGOON: Touché. Fred Touché.
GRYTPYPE: Well Admiral
Fred, the garrison at Burami Oasis is under constant siege. Now there's only
one way to deal with these turbaned devils of brown…. we're going to – wait a
minute, wait for it… WE’RE GOING TO SEND
A GUNBOAT![8]
GRAMS: Tumultuous
cheers. Fade in "Land of Hope and Glory" with brass band and massed choir.
SEAGOON: Yes it was
action at last, That night I called the Chiefs of Army, Navy, and NAAFI, to
hear my plan of attack.[9]
CAST: Muttering and occasional rhubarb etc
SEAGOON: Gentlemen! I
have here a statue of the situation at the Burami Oasis.
SPRIGGS: (From the back benches.) Thank you.
SEAGOON: The Arabs, as
you can see, are attacking our garrison at night only,
SPRIGGS: Ohrrrou. Does
this mean that our troops are fighting in their pyjamas?
SEAGOON: I fear so.
OFFICER:[10] Gad! It must be
hell out there.
SEAGOON: Any
questions?
OFFICER: Yes. Can't we
arrange for the Arabs to attack in the daytime?
SEAGOON: No – they
charge twice as much to attack in the day. After sundown it's only two and six
a battle.
GREENSLADE: Sir, would it
not be worth the extra costs, so that our men could be spared the indignity of
fighting in their night attire?
SEAGOON: Gentleman. I
have overcome that difficulty with a cunning move. (Laughs) Heh heh heh heh. Our troops now wear battle dress at night
and pyjamas in the daytime.
CAST: Bravo &c.
SEAGOON: Any more
questions?
MILLIGAN: Yes, could
you tell me the price of sliced ham per portion?
SEAGOON: No.
MILLIGAN: Blast!
SEAGOON: So then
gentlemen, intelligence tells us the reasons for these attacks are the Burami
garrison is to play football next month.
CAST: What a
devilish plan! (Extended)
SEAGOON: There's more
to come Jim! The idea of the attack is to tire our men so as to guarantee an
Arab football victory.[11]
CAST: (Variously) Shame! Devilish! Absolute
shame! Devilish plan!
SEAGOON: Tonight the
Navy is on the march! Quickly MARCH!
GRAMS: Battalion
marching. Start slowly and gradually wind up the speed.
SEAGOON: (Over. Gradually getting quicker and
higher.) Left right left right left right left right left right left right
left right left right left right left right left right left right left right
left right left right left right left right left right left right left right
left right…
GRAMS: Suddenly
stop.
SEAGOON: (Suddenly normal voice) …left.
SELLERS: Yes, that
night the H.M.S. Thespis – forty two thousand tons, was broken up into four
inch squares and packed into crates cunningly marked “Date Fertilizer – this
way up”.
MORIARTY: Sapristi
reeking Rapallo holiday.[12]
Did you hear that Grytpype? They're sending a battleship to the Burami Oasis.
Ooooooooo, power, power!
Pooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwaawwwwwwwaawwwwwwwaaaaaoooow!
GRYTPYPE: Stop sweating
Moriarty - you steaming French nit! The Oasis is only ten feet long. They'll
never get a battleship in it!
MORIARTY: They could
stand it up on one end...
GRYTPYPE: The British
don't operate that way.
MORIARTY: Nonsense!
I've seen them walking to work like that. You’ve heard of the Bakerloo line?
GRYTPYPE: Of course - have
you really? Well then I shall have to speak to our agent in Burami Oasis
immediately. (shouting) Hello, Burami
Oasis?
ELLINGTON: (Off mic) Helloooooo mate!
GRYTPYPE: Shhush! Don't
raise your voice, you might be overlooked! Where are you standing?
ELLINGTON: (Still off mic) On my feet!
GRYTPYPE: Are they
disguised?
ELLINGTON: Yes!
GRYTPYPE: Splendid! Now
on no account let them use a telephone.
ELLINGTON: Yah toola
hoola dingle.
GRYTPYPE: Because you
fool, another foot is tapping it! Now listen carefully, do you know what the
British are up to?
ELLINGTON: Yeah, they're
up to the end of 1956.
GRYTPYPE: Blast! That
mean's they've caught us up. Quick Moriarty, put up a calendar for 1958. That'll
give us a two year lead![13]
ELLINGTON: Oooh, me warn
you! If Arab football team no beat British garrison team, you get no more
money. Goodbye.
GRYTPYPE: I didn't like
the sound of it Moriarty. We must get to Burami Oasis at once. Now hand me that
boat, and unwrap Max Geldray.
GELDRAY: Oh, hello boys...[14]
GELDRAY - "WHEN YOU’RE SMILING"[15]
ORCHESTRA: Oriental fanfare
GRAMS: Fade in native tribal singing under.
GREENSLADE: The
increasingly sordid affair at Burami Oasis, part-human. For dancing enthusiasts
the rest of the show will be played in slow foxtrot time.[16]
Over now to the beleaguered garrison at Burami.
GRAMS: Battle noises.
Native shouting, trumpeting elephants, distant drums. SINGHEZ-THINGZ: (Approaching) Major… Major Bloodnok! The
Arabs are attacking for the first time in this series! (Arsenal three,
Tottenham one. Hooray!)
BLOODNOK: What? Arrrrrioioooaaoeeoeewwwee.
Ooooiiiiaaaaooooww. Ow! Oooh!
SINGHEZ-THINGZ: OOH!
BLOODNOK: That's
better. Oh, oohooh. Excuse me Bombay babie my dear. I can't understand Arabs
attacking in the daytime – they'll never learn the tango this way. Oh dear. I…
TROOPER:[17] Sir, sir,
there's an Arab riding down on us on a flaming stallion!
BLOODNOK: Watch your
language!
TROOPER: English sir –
what's yours?
BLOODNOK: The same!
Interpreter, you can go home.
THROAT: Right mate!
TROOPER: There's the
flaming Arab.
BLOODNOK: Mind your
language! There may be sensitive Scots Guardsmen present.
FLOWERDEW: It’s all
right. I don't mind really. Honestly, it's quite all right.
BLOODNOK: Sellers! How
dare you change your voice from mine into his for one joke only! Now I shall
show these turbaned wogs of brown who's master of this oasis. (Shouts) Abdul hand me my...
FX: Heavy knocking.
BLOODNOK: It's a lie.
It's a lie! We're just good friends I tell you! (Get out the back way dear!) Oohhh!
(Mind the thunderbox will you?) Oohhh!
FX: More heavy knocking.
ELLINGTON: Open up, cor
blimey, or I smash my fist down!
BLOODNOK: Oooohhh! It's
Sheik Rattle and Roll! Oh Abdul, hand me my blacking up cowards disguise kit
will you?
FX: Knocking again.
BLOODNOK: Ooohh! Just a
moment Mr. Roll, er – my wife isn't dressed yet.
ELLINGTON: (Off mic.) How long she going to be,
mate?
BLOODNOK: I'll write to
her in London and find out. Where's my pen?
FX: Typewriter under.
BLOODNOK: Dear
Volumnia, I am writing to find out how long you will take before...
FX: Door being broken down
ELLINGTON: Yim bom boola,
mate!
BLOODNOK: How dare you yim
bom boola in my tent. Wait a moment! Nadger me standing load! You're not Sheik
Rattle and Roll – you look like Ray Ellington!
ELLINGTON: I am! Me
forced to take extra parts. Need money. Married recently.[18]
BLOODNOK: I understand!
I understand - oohh ho ho hoho, ohho hoho! Me married myself! Ohh hohoho!
ELLINGTON: Me done
better! Me married my girl – more fun!
BLOODNOK: Ooohhhh
hohohoho! You naughty imbalatoola you! Ooooohhaahoho!
FX: Telephone rings.
BLOODNOK: Oohhh! What
what what!?
FX: Receiver picked up.
BLOODNOK: Hello?
GREENSLADE: (On phone.) The nasty affair at the
Burami Oasis, part four.
BLOODNOK: Right,
reverse the charge please. Now Sheik, state your business.
ELLINGTON: You four week
behind with rent.
BLOODNOK: What!?
Nonsense! Get out of my tent or I'll call the manager.
ELLINGTON: You no bluff
me! Look, your rent book – three pound ten owing.
BLOODNOK: What? I can
get an oasis down the road for half that. Look here in the evening wog mail. Look!
ELLINGTON: What?
FX: Newspaper rustling.
BLOODNOK: (Reading) ‘To let; self contained oasis,
third floor, share harem. Twelve and six. Suit cowardly British garrison’.
There you are.
ELLINGTON: Me don't wish
to know that. Me want my back rent. Me behind in instalments on sun lamp.
BLOODNOK: What? You
steaming son of the sands. I know! Abdul – hand me my British military-type
saxophone. Now…
ORCHESTRA: Dodgy saxophone
version of ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ with ‘nanny-goat’ vibrato.
ELLINGTON: Stop
Bloodnok! Stop! You win. You got bigger bore saxophone than me, and dumdum
music. But I reek revenge soon. Giddup!
FX: Chicken clucking. Horses hooves under. Fade chicken and
hooves together.
BLOODNOK: He's not so
well off riding his dinner. [19]
ORCHESTRA: Safari style link.
SEAGOON: Yes, immediately
on arrival at the oasis we began to open the crates, having first disguised
ourselves as chickens.
GRAMS: Wooden slats being prised apart. Fade in
sounds of broody chickens.
SEAGOON: (You can't be
too careful.) Pardon me. (Chicken sounds)
Bwark bwark bwark bwaaaaaark!…
FLOWERDEW: Pardon me
sir, I think somebody's overacting.
SEAGOON: Why?
FLOWERDEW: We've just
found an egg.
SEAGOON: What what
what what what what what what what what bwark bwark bwark bwark bwark-bwark? (clucks) Then there's an impostor
amongst us! I'll find him. Men – assume your own voices and from the left, NUMBER!
SOLDIER 1:[20] One!
GREENSLADE: Two!
SOLDIER 2: Three!
GREENSLADE: Four!
SOLDIER 3: Five!
MILLIGAN: Bwark!
SEAGOON: That's him! March
that chicken away.
MILLIGAN: Bwark, bwark
bwark bwark bwark!
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.
GREENSLADE: That night,
by the light of the Araby-type moon,[21]
they began to assemble the giant battleship prior to launching it in the oasis.
A master technician was in charge.
FX: Hammer on iron piping.
ECCLES: (Sings) ‘Oh,
foot and mouth with me’...
‘By
the dustbins of Rome’... [22]
It's ok folks – I ain't the master
technician. Hahahaha!
BLUEBOTTLE: No. I am the
master technician![23]
ECCLES: Wait a minute
Bottle. How long have you been a master tung-tunk-a-nition?
BLUEBOTTLE: I'm not going
to tell you Eccles.
ECCLES: Ok, Bot-tle. Ok,
don't tell me. (Goes off singing.)
‘By
the dustbins of Rome’...
‘I
found that melody divine’…
BLUEBOTTLE: No, wait a
minute! Don't leave me here in the dark! I’ll tell you…
ECCLES: (Off) I don't want to know!
BLUEBOTTLE: (Off) Come back. Eccles! Eccles! Come
back Eccles. Where are you?
ECCLES: (Suddenly on mic) I'm here.
BLUEBOTTLE: (Approaching.) Oohh! Eccles I'm so glad
you're here…
SEAGOON: SILENCE!
ECCLES: Ohhh, you got
more applause than me...
SEAGOON: What! What!
What! What! What! What! What! What!
ECCLES: I don't like it
- he got more clapping than me.
SEAGOON: I don't wish
to know that Eccles. Now then men...
ECCLES: He’s got more
tickets in… What?!
SEAGOON: (Blows raspberry) MEN! We've got half an
hour till dawn.
BLUEBOTTLE: Thank you
Captain.
SEAGOON: Shut up Bluebottle!
ECCLES: Shut up
Bluebottle!
BLUEBOTTLE: Shut up
Eccles!
ECCLES: Shut up Eccles!
CAST: (Shut ups – extended)[24]
SEAGOON: We've got
till dawn to assemble the battleship and launch it in the oasis. Ready? GO!
GRAMS: Shipbuilding noises
at speed. Stops abruptly.
SEAGOON: Right.
Flowerdew?
FLOWERDEW: Yes sir?
SEAGOON: Run up a
flag.
FLOWERDEW: I'll get the
sewing machine sir.
SEAGOON: Yes dear
listeners, there she is. Now to get her into the water. Eccles?
ECCLES: SHUT UP! Oh… yeah?
SEAGOON: You lift the
sharp end, you take the blunt end. I'll be on the bridge. Somebody's got to
steer. Ahem. Now together – LIFT!
ECCLES & BLUEBOTTLE: (Straining) Oooooohh, eeeee.
ECCLES: (Distant) Hey Bottle. You lifting your
end?
BLUEBOTTLE: 'Course I'm
lifting.
ECCLES: (Distant) Ohh. I'd better lift my end
then.
BLUEBOTTLE: You ain't half
a rotten swine you are. (Strains) Unghh.
ECCLES: You got more
clapping than me.
BLUEBOTTLE: Eeeeehhh.
Ooohhh. Eeeeaaaooo. Ooooo. All this strain-inge can harm a lad you know? Eeeee.
FX: Iron bar falls onto concrete.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ooohh! My
knees have fallen off![25]
SEAGOON: Never mind,
lad. Here - have a fresh pair. I always carry them since that dreadful affair
at the Mister Fresh contest 1956. Now come on, lift!
CAST: (Straining) Eeeeeoooooh!
GREENSLADE: Ladies and
gentlemen, with only two men to carry the battleship, an unexpected time lapse
has occurred. To fill it, Ray Ellington will spon.
RAY ELLINGTON: - ‘Baby, Baby, that Man Ain’t No Good.’ [26]
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.
GRAMS:
Seagulls and waves.
GREENSLADE: Once afloat
in the oasis the battleship dropped anchor. All sailors on board were cunningly
disguised as Arabs.
ANCIENT SEA
DOG:[27] Just before
dawn, two thousand Arabs, (cunningly disguised as sailors), crept up to the
oasis...
GRAMS: Vessel hitting
sandbank.
BLUEBOTTLE: Captain!
Captain! Wake up.
SEAGOON: What what
what what? (Morning mouth.) How dare
you wake me up when I'm on duty?
BLUEBOTTLE: Captain, we
have been runn’d aground.
SEAGOON: Nonsense!
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes – it's
true! Them naughty Arabs took’d all the oasis water away in wog bottles!
SEAGOON: The Burami
Oasis dry? Nonsense! Haha! Eccles?
ECCLES: (Distant) Yep?
SEAGOON: Dive over the
side!
ECCLES: Ok!
FX: Boots running across decking. Short silence – thud of body
on ground.
ECCLES: (Distant) Ohh! Come on in. The sand's
lovely and warm.
SEAGOON: Needle nardle
noo! Isotopes brew! Then it's true – shipwrecked in an oasis. Man the pumps,
boots and plimsolls. Lower the lifeboats!
GRAMS: Massed hysteria. Female screaming. Boots
running away.
MIDDLE AGED SEADOG:[28]
(Distant.)
Moby dick on
the Bernard Miles!
SEAGOON: Don't panic!
I'm the captain of this shipwreck. It there’s any panicking to be done, I'll do
it.[29]
MILLIGAN: Pardon me, Captain
– pardon me. Can you tell me the price of smoked ham per small portion?
SEAGOON: Twenty seven
and six.
MILLIGAN: Ohh.
FX: Gunshot.
MILLIGAN: Uuurgh!
MINNIE: (Approaching) Ohhh min-ma-middle-doh.
Maaoohh ohhh oooo ooeeooooo yiddledoh. What time do we get to Margate Pier,
young man?[30]
SEAGOON: What! A woman
on board a British battleship? I must court-martial myself. Admiral Seagoon?
Shun!
GRAMS: Company
coming to attention.
SEAGOON: Admiral
Seagoon? Yes, sir? You are charged with having a Minnie Bannister on board your
ship. Is that true? It's a lie! Case dismissed! THANK YOU! Now we must recover
that water from the Arabs to refloat this ship. (Calls) FULL SPEED A-HEAD!
GRAMS: Hawsers. Anchors aweigh. Waves and ships
hooter.
GREENSLADE: Cynical
listeners may question the possibility of sailing a battleship on sand.
Meantime, at the Arab fortress of Rasher el Bacon...[31]
GRAMS: Wog dance music.
Fade.
GRYTPYPE: Nice little
fort you've got here, Sheik.
ELLINGTON: Yes, just a
little thing my wife ran up.
GRYTPYPE: You dance
divinely.
MORIARTY: Excuse me
Grytpype – there's a battleship outside to see you.
GRYTPYPE: Anyone we
know?
MORIARTY: I don't know
sir, but he's wearing a turban.
GRYTPYPE: Then it's one
of ours. Come in!
FX: Door opens.
CAST: (Straining
behind)
SEAGOON: Steady with
the bow. Down on your left. The other way round... Get the guns facing ‘em. Right
– pull the blanket off. HANDS UP!
GRYTPYPE: Damn! Trapped
by a brilliant stratagem, and a common or garden forty-four-thousand ton
battleship.
SEAGOON: Right,
Colonel Thynne you traitor. Hand over the water of the Burami Oasis.
GRYTPYPE: Seagoon, drop
that battleship. One step nearer and my men will drink the Burami Oasis!
SEAGOON: You wouldn't
dare!
GRYTPYPE: No? Men!
Uncork bottles!
GRAMS: Bottles being uncorked. Various pitches.
GRYTPYPE: There
Seagoon! They're ready to drink.
SEAGOON: Stalemate!
MORIARTY: Stale mate?
It was fresh this morning mate!
GRYTPYPE: What?
SEAGOON: So we faced
each other. The Arabs with the precious bottles oasis water poised at their
lips and we covering them with the sixteen inch guns of our battleships. I had
to think of something.[32]
Diana Dors. No. No. An adjustable spanner. No. A sink pump.[33]
No. Diana Dors. No, no!! A telephone – that was it! A telephone.
FX: Telephone rings.[34]
SEAGOON: Hello?
BLOODNOK: (On phone) Bloodnok here.
SEAGOON: Bloodnok!
BLOODNOK: (On phone) Shoosh! Don't raise your
voice, it might be seen. I say, Seagoon... something terrible has happened,
I've been robbed of twenty thousand gallons of gin!
SEAGOON: Where was it?
BLOODNOK: (On phone) In the Burami Oasis!
SEAGOON: What?
BLOODNOK: (On phone) In the Burami Oasis! Yes!
Years ago I drained all the water out and filled it up with gin on account of
the shortage, you know.
SEAGOON: Thank you.
FX: Phone into cradle.
SEAGOON: (Laughs) Ha ha ha! Gin? They'll never
win the football match now! Colonel Thynne, we're coming to get that water.
Drink it if you dare! Men, FORWARD!
GRYTPYPE: All right –
DRINK!
GRAMS: Massed gurgling;
liquid going down a huge drain. Fade under.
SEAGOON: Yes dear
listeners. Without knowing it the fools were drinking twenty thousand gallons
of neat gin.
GRAMS: Fade in cheers of football crowd.
SEAGOON: Ha ha ha! Now
for the football match.
GRAMS: Swell crowd noise.
SEAGOON: Sure enough
that evening the Arab football team staggered onto the field in no condition to
play. The result of the match was a forgone conclusion…
GREENSLADE: British
garrison, twelve – drunken Arabs, sixty eight. Which just goes to prove that
gin is a dashed good drink. Goodnight.
ORCHESTRA: End theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the
Goon Show, a BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe Spike
Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, and Max Geldray. The Orchestra was
conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stevens, announcer
Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.
YTI 