THE CASE OF THE
MISSING CD PLATES
GOON
SHOW: TLO 88477
6TH
SERIES: No 5
BROADCAST:
18 Oct 1955 [1]
Script by Spike Milligan
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Home Service and
automatic steam laundry – a combination which is working out very nicely thank
you.
SECOMBE: Enough of the ol' chat there
Greenslade. Back to your mangle and get John Snagge's shirt re-soled. (Sniggers) Gnya-nya-nya! And in the
meantime...
SELLERS: Yes dear
people, in the meantime we present the extraordinary talking-type
wireless Goon Show!
GRAMS:
Old phonograph record.
SEAGOON: So much for the mysterious
horn-equipped, hand-operated phonograph. And now Greenslade, stop scraping that
heavily soiled sheet and read the inscription thereon.
GREENSLADE: Very good, sir. We present
Baroness Orczy's masterpiece, Baron Orczy[2]
– or "A Strange Case of Diplomatic Immunity", in which a strange case
of diplomatic immunity is recounted. Chapter one, “A Strange Diplomatic Case of
Immunity”, or “A Diplomatic Case of Strange Immunity”, or
“Through Hook, Line and Blizzard with Ava Gardner”.[3]
SECOMBE: Chapter Two.
OMNES: Hooray!
SEAGOON: Chapter three – me.
MILLIGAN: (Raspberry)
SEAGOON: One morning
in the year needle-noddle-noo I had decided to spend a holiday abroad. How I
love
GRAMS: Running
water.
BLOODNOK: (singing) The Man from
He
had an elbow on each arm,
and
one upon his shoulder...
I say, you with the zinc cardigan – are
you English?
SEAGOON: Only by descent.
BLOODNOK: By descent?
SEAGOON: I came down by parachute.
BLOODNOK: Then you ought to be ashamed of
yourself! Here in the…
SEAGOON: I don't wish to know that sir! [5]
BLOODNOK: …in the most beautiful fountain
in
SEAGOON: To tell you the truth, sir, I
thought you were a statue.
BLOODNOK: I have enough decency sir, not
to move when I'm naked.
SEAGOON: Haven't you got a bath where
you're staying?
BLOODNOK: Of course I have.
SEAGOON: Where are you staying?
BLOODNOK: Here.
SEAGOON: What made you choose
BLOODNOK: Do you like pigeon pie?
SEAGOON: Disgusted by his old-world
courtesy, I strapped on my nickel-plated bagpipes and strode into
GRAMS:
Sound of approaching steamroller.
SEAGOON: I’d hardly lowered myself off
the payment, when...
GRAMS:
Crescendo approaching steamroller.
PASSER BY: [6] Look out!
SEAGOON: (Scream) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
GRAMS:
Recording of bagpipes – gradually wind
it down.
GREENSLADE: Dear Listener, the sound that
you've just heard was that of a hundred-ton steam roller passing slowly over Neddie
Seagoon and his nickel-plated bagpipes. Of course, to record this sound the BBC
naturally did not actually run over Neddie Seagoon with a steam roller.
Instead, the steam roller was driven over Eccles. Thank you.
ECCLES: Fine, Fine, Fine.
WILLIUM: (Approaching) Here, here, here – what’s a-goin' on 'ere?
SEAGOON: Constabule! I demand that you
arrest the driver of that hundred-ton, anthracite-filled, reciprocating-engine
steam roller.
WILLIUM: Well, let's hear the charge.
SEAGOON: I'll play it for you
GRAMS:
Bugle plays charge; sound of cavalry
charge.
WILLIUM: Thank you.
SEAGOON: Now, I want you to arrest the
driver of that steam roller.
WILLIUM: Oh – well, well, righto. Where's
the driver?
MORIARTY: Sapristi knyuckles, yakka-kakka-koo
– who wants to know? I am the man.
WILLIUM: Now then, this gentleman here
says that you're the driver of the steam roller, sir.
MORIARTY: So do I.
SEAGOON: That makes two of us. Constable,
arrest the driver. I have witnesses.
MORIARTY: Who are they?
SEAGOON: You and me.
MORIARTY: You can't arrest me!
SEAGOON: And why not?
MORIARTY: (Laughs) Ha hoo, ha ha hie! See that plate on the steamroller – see
the letters on it? C.D.!
WILLIUM: Cor blimey!
MORIARTY: No, Corp Diplomatique. I have
diplomatic immunity!
WILLIUM: Get me out of here. Call a
doctor!
MORIARTY: Sapristi yakkabakkaka!
Diplomatic immunity means I cannot be arrested, sued, disfranchised,[7]
blackballed, guillotined, run out, left in bulk, charged, hung, drawn or
quartered, or needle-nardle-noo! You see, I happen to be the Deputy Vice Pomfret[8]
of the Titicacan legation.[9]
SEAGOON: Then why are you driving a
steamroller?
MORIARTY: My feet hurt me.
GRAMS:
Pensive moment from film score. Hold
under.
SEAGOON: And so, here I was – freshly run
over with my bagpipes irreparably flattened and without a remedy. The weight of
the steamroller has made a lasting impression on me. I was now two inches thick
and twenty-four feet wide. This was very awkward – people kept opening and shutting
me. But what I needed most was a kind word.
ECCLES: Hallo.
SEAGOON: (And that wasn't it!) As I lay
on the road, I looked down through a lidless top hat at an up-turned face.
ECCLES: Here, sit down on the pavement
and rest a while. Hey! What's that sailing out of a sixth-floor window up
there? It's a piano.
SEAGOON: A piano? Ha ha! Bird-brained idiot – what would a piano be doing falling
from...
GRAMS:
Fatal piano crash. Drop a load of
lumber, add in a few clumps of notes, then the sound of the iron frame and
strings crashing down.[10]
SEAGOON: (Muffled) Help! I'm under the piano!
ECCLES: Give us a tune?
SEAGOON: I can't find my music.
ECCLES: Okay, then it's time for Max
Geldray.
MAX GELDRAY -
"The lady is a tramp" [11]
GREENSLADE: That was Mister Max Geldray
playing a harmonica. (We thought you ought to know what it was, anyhow.)[12]
(Thank you.) And now – a word from Neddie Seagoon.
SEAGOON: (Muffled) HEELP! Get this piano off me! Send for the fire brigade.
ECCLES: Why, are you on fire?
SEAGOON: No.
ECCLES: Okay, we gotta have a reason for
sending for 'em. I'll start one.
GREENSLADE: And so, while Eccles set fire to
nearby Craven Hotel, the East Acton Volunteer Auxiliary Civilian Fire Force
came dashing up.[13]
GRAMS:
Horses hooves at slow canter; hand rung
bell; vary the speed. Continue under.
CRUN: Come on Min, load the water
pistols and fill that wicker basket at the fountain.
GRAMS: Sudden variation of speed.
CRUN: Ohhhh! Steady, Lightning.
BANNISTER: (Distant) Oohhooooieeioooh! Oh, dear, dear! (Approaching) There's a naughty, naughty man bathing in the
fountain!
GRAMS: Fade
in sound of burning building. Continue under.
BLOODNOK: (Distant) Madam, put away that spy glass and stop using my bath
water.
SEAGOON: HEEEELP!
CRUN: Don't you worry young man. We
shall have that heavy piano off you before you can say ‘Jack Robinson’ – but
don't say it for the next seven hours.
ECCLES: Here, that big hotel over there
is on fire.
CRUN: Where?
GRAMS: Swell
sounds of inferno. Mix in distant shouts and cries.
CRUN: Oh, yes, yes. Minnie, make a
note that that hotel over there is on fire.
BANNISTER: Okay fire chief Crun, buddy.
SEAGOON: HEEEEEELP!
ECCLES: Hey, where are all the other
firemen?
CRUN: They're all at the Fire Safety
Week Dinner.
ECCLES: Where’s that?
CRUN: In that hotel over there. Now
then Min, get that leather crane into position over the piano.
BANNISTER: (Leaving) Okay, buddy.
FX:
Clanking noise of block and tackle. Continue under.
CRUN: Did you sign for the crane
before we left, Min?
BANNISTER: Mnk mnk…Yes, yes...
SEAGOON: HEEEEEELP!
CRUN: Good, good. Well, I'm glad you
signed because we've got to have the documents to prove it, you know. You must
have the documents.
BANNISTER: (Distant) What documents, Henry?
CRUN: For the crane, Min – the
documents for the crane. You must have them, you know.
SEAGOON: Never mind about the blasted
documents!
CRUN: Oh, I'm sorry – you must have
the documents. (Rambles on) Where are
they, Min?
BANNISTER: Where are what?
SEAGOON: HEEEEEELP!
CRUN: You must have the documents…You
can't get the wood, you know.
GREENSLADE: Meanwhile, in a teahouse in
GRAMS:
Oriental foxtrot with electronic
jews-harp on vocals.
GREENSLADE: We just thought you'd be
interested. We return you now to our story.
CRUN: All right, Minnie – he has
returned us to the story. Lower the crane.
FX:
Old fashioned cogwheel and rack easing off.
CRUN: All right, hook it on...
FX: Large hooks and chains fastening.
CRUN: Take the
left tension...
FX: Block
and tackle winching up.
BANNISTER: Left tension, buddy.
CRUN: Now the right tension. Right…
FX: Block
and tackle winching up again.
BANNISTER: Right tension, Henry.
CRUN: Attach the grappling claws...
FX: Block
and tackle continue to winch.
SEAGOON: HEEEEEEEELP!
CRUN: Take up the slack. Are you
ready?
BANNISTER: Yes!
GRAMS:
Factory whistle.
CRUN: Lunch!
GRAMS:
Horses galloping away at speed. Fire
bell ringing over. Speed the whole thing right up.
SEAGOON: I never saw them again. I
finally extricated myself from under the piano.[14]
Fill me with rage at the perpetrators of this outrage, I knocked at the door of
the window from which the piano had been thrown.
FX:
Knocking on door. Door opens.
GRYTPYPE: Oh, yes, we've been expecting
you. Give me your hat and coat. Thank you. Now, get out.
FX:
Door slams shut. Ernest knocking. Door opens.
GRYTPYPE: Oh, yes, we've been expecting
you. You left your hat and coat. Here… Now, get out!
FX:
Door slams shut. Urgent knocking. Door opens.
GRYTPYPE: I'm sorry, everyone's out.
SEAGOON: Wait! I have a question – are
you a piano short?
GRYTPYPE: Only one.
SEAGOON: And where is that?
GRYTPYPE: I really couldn't say. I threw
it out of the window one night and the next morning it was gone.
SEAGOON: You careless, lackadaisical,
piano waster! [15] Do
you realize that it struck me on the bagpipes?
GRYTPYPE: What!?
SEAGOON: I'm going to sue you for wanton
piano hurling, and fifty thousand pounds.
GRYTPYPE: You can't have both.
SEAGOON: Very well, I shall take the
money.
MORIARTY: (Approaching) You will have neither!
SEAGOON: Great heavens! It's Count
Foreign Fred Moriarty, the fiendish steamroller driver of
MORIARTY: Yes, likewise we claim
diplomatic immunity from charges that you have been struck by a piano.
SEAGOON: Why?
GRYTPYPE: This is the Titicacan legation
and that piano carried a corp diplomatique plate.
SEAGOON: It does not – and what is more,
I have the bits stored in a secret bonded warehouse in
MORIARTY: Sapristi piano! Unless we can
get that corp diplomatique plate secretly screwed on that piano, we are PSST – TCK
– BOONG!
GRYTPYPE: Unless we can get a corp diplomatic
plate securely screwed to that piano we are PSST – TCK – BOONG!
SEAGOON: Sapristi piano! Unless they can
get a corp diplomatique plate securely screwed to that piano, they are PSST – TCK
– BOONG!
GREENSLADE: Meanwhile, in a stench-packing
factory in
GRAMS:
Oriental foxtrot with novelty effects ending
– PSST –TCK – BOONG!
GREENSLADE: We return you now to where we
left off – Psst, tick, th’ung! [16]
SEAGOON: Dear listener, I realised I had
them. Without that CD plate on the piano their cook was goosed! So I went to
see the most astute legal mind in
GRAMS:
Fountain gushing.
BLOODNOK: (Sings)... the man from yiddle-ong-pong.
SEAGOON: Bloodnok! Bloodnok! Bloodnok – I
need your help.
BLOODNOK: I'm sorry, it's her day off.
SEAGOON: I want you to sue the Titicacan
legation for striking me with a piano.
BLOODNOK: How much for?
SEAGOON: They did it for nothing.
BLOODNOK: No wonder we get so many
overseas visitors.
SEAGOON: I want you to sue them for fifty-thousand
pounds.
BLOODNOK: I accept the case. But first the
man from Illing-tong, demonstrate with that mad banjo and split mackerel head!
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET - "Cloudburst" [17]
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic
introduction.
GREENSLADE: The Case of the Missing CD
Plates, part the two.
SEAGOON: Dear listener, my legal advisor
Major Bloodnok, demands a salary of forty-thousand pounds before he will
proceed with my case against the Titicacan legation and thus see justice done.
GRYTPYPE: Ah, Neddie?
SEAGOON: YOU!
GRYTPYPE: Neddie, how would you like forty-thousand
pounds?
SEAGOON: In money.
GRYTPYPE: Gad! You drive a hard bargain.
SEAGOON: Name the task.
GRYTPYPE: (Very close) It's very simple, dear boy, very simple. All you have
to do is to go to a certain bonded warehouse in
SEAGOON: Wait. What's on this small
plate?
GRYTPYPE: Well, if I promise to tell you,
will you promise not to tell anybody?
SEAGOON: Yes.
GRYTPYPE: Good. Then it will be a secret
between us.
SEAGOON: Right.
GRYTPYPE: You'll do it?
SEAGOON: Yes. Stop! What is this object I
am to screw this plate to?
GRYTPYPE: I can't tell unless I keep
completely silent about it.
SEAGOON: Right – tell me in silence then.
GRYTPYPE: Very well.
(Lengthy pause)
SEAGOON: I can't believe my ears!
GRYTPYPE: Good – then here's a
screwdriver, a blindfold, and a cucumber.
SEAGOON: Cucumber?
GRYTPYPE: You've got to eat, haven't you?
Now then, off you go. (Aside) Little
does this poor idiot know that inside the cucumber is a powerful infernal
machine, timed to explode the moment it detonates and to blow him to perdition,
when he has completed his task. Exits humming. (Goes off humming)
GREENSLADE: By the magic of wireless we now
take you to a tar barrel in
GRAMS:
Oriental foxtrot with novelty effects ending
– PSST – TCK – BOONG!
GREENSLADE: Thank you. “The Diplomatic Case
of Strange Immunity”, chapter eight. “A Case of Strange Diplomatic Immunity” –
or “With Igloo, Jack Knife and Saxophone Along the
ORCHESTRA:
Midnight prowler link.
BLUEBOTTLE: Eccles?
ECCLES: Ehi?
BLUEBOTTLE: Eccles, it is nice sitting on
this glowing brazier being a night-watchman, isn't it, Eccles?
ECCLES: Yeah – fine, fine.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, it is fine being a night-watchman.
ECCLES: Yeah.
BLUEBOTTLE: Enckles, do you like being a
night-watchman?
ECCLES: Yeah – fine, fine.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, I like being a night-watchman.
It is like being a day-watchman only it's in the dark.
ECCLES: Yeah, that's fine.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, it's fine to be a night-watchman
isn't it?
ECCLES: Yeah – fine, fine. (singing to himself) "That man from
BLUEBOTTLE: You are a brave night-watchman,
aren't you Eccles?
ECCLES: Yeah, sure – fine, fine.
BLUEBOTTLE: And I am a brave night-watchman.
ECCLES: Yeah.
BLUEBOTTLE: I like being a brave night-watchman.
ECCLES & BLUEBOTTLE: We are both brave night-watchmen.
BLUEBOTTLE: (screams) AAAHHIEE!
ECCLES: What?
BLUEBOTTLE: There's something crawling up my
trousers![19]
SEAGOON: Ah, never fear. It's only me,
little wooden-sock night-watchman.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ah, my captain! Springs smartly
to attention putting left toe into rat trap.
FX:
Mouse trap snaps shut.
BLUEBOTTLE: (screams) Aaahhie! Aiaahhaaou! Writhes in agony on floor. Thinks –
what shall I think? Thinks – I can't think of a think. Un-thinks.
SEAGOON: Listen, tiny nerk – I have a job
for you. Now, take this plate and screwdriver and screw it into the object
which I am told is in the far left-hand corner of this warehouse.
BLUEBOTTLE: What is the reward, Capiten?
SEAGOON: This lovely, green, succulent,
prize-winning cucumber.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ooh, goodie!
SEAGOON: Now, off you go and do your
task. Come Eccles, we must watch without to see that little Nerk shall not
disturbéd be. Exeunt Tucket and Treeze,
fighting.
FX: Door slams.
BLUEBOTTLE: There. I have screwed the plate
onto the piano. Now for a nice, succulent meal of luskious cucumber. Thinks – I
wonder what it would be like to be a manmade salatite, a-hundred and twenty
miles above the earth?[20]
GRAMS:
Huge explosion; sound of high altitude
jet stream wind.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ahh! So this is what it's like! Oooye!
ORCHESTRA:
Solemn link.
FX: Gavel on bench.
JUDGE SCHNORRER: The case of Seagoon versus the Titicacan
Embassy. We award Count Morrisarty, and Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, Consul of no
fixed address, the sum of fifty-thousand nicker for wrongful accusation. Thank
you.
SEAGOON: Fifty-thousand nicker! How will
I get it? Wait, I know! (Laughs) I'll
get even with them – I'll go to Titicaca.
GREENSLADE: And so, Seagoon took a ship for Titicaca.
Meanwhile, in a notorious fish shop and ballet school in Yoshiwara...
(Lengthy
silence)
GREENSLADE: By Jove, I do believe they're closed!
SEAGOON: And so I arrived in Titicaca,
with my bagpipes bent on revenge. All I had to do was to find a steamroller,
throw myself under it and sue for damages. I hadn't long to wait. See – here
comes one now!
GRAMS:
Approaching steamroller.
PASSER BY: [21] Look out!
GRAMS:
Steamroller sound crescendos; steam
whistle blows;
SEAGOON: (Screams)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
GRAMS:
Bagpipes slowly winding down.
GREENSLADE: Dear listener, the sound of
Seagoon and his bagpipes being run over is the second sound in the series
"These we have loved", as broadcast in the programme, “David
Whitfield Sings Again and Again and Again.”
TITICACAN 1: [22] Oh! All right,
lift him out gently, lads. And now, unroll him.
TITICACAN 2: [23] He keeps
curling up like a blind, matey.
TITICACAN 1: Are you all right, chum?
SEAGOON: Arrest that man!
TITICACAN 2: What man?
SEAGOON: The driver of that steamroller.
I demand fifty-thousand pounds compensation!
TITICACAN 2: Driver, did you hear that?
BLOODNOK: Yes, and I won't pay it.
SEAGOON: You can't get out of it.
BLOODNOK: Yes, I can! See these CD plates
on the steamroller? Diplomatic Immunity, you see.
SEAGOON: You're not...
BLOODNOK: Yes, I am! Major Bloodnok,
British Ambassador to the Court of Titicacan!
SEAGOON: You mean...
BLOODNOK: Yes, I have diplomatic immunity!
Keep away from me. And what is more, I shall charge you.
SEAGOON: Indeed? And may I hear this
charge?
BLOODNOK: Certainly!
GRAMS:
Bugle plays cavalry charge. Thunder of
charging hooves. Hold under.
SEAGOON: Oh, no! You can't do this to
me...!
ORCHESTRA:
End theme.
GREENSLADE: And that was the Goon Show, a
BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, and Spike
Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The Orchestra was
conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace
Greenslade, the program was produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA:
Playout.
YTI
