THE
LOST EMPEROR
GOON SHOW: TLO 87493
6TH SERIES: No 3
BROADCAST: 4 Oct 1955 [1]
Script by Spike Milligan
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC
Light Programme. Please accept our apologies.
ECCLES: Good, good. Fine, fine,
fine.
GREENSLADE: Ahem. We present the extraordinary,
talking type wireless Goon show.
GRAMS: Old fashioned gramophone record.
SECOMBE: What a divine melody. Greenslade, take up the story lad.
GREENSLADE: Certainement. The story
so far: an old fashioned gramophone record was played, after which a short fat
man remarked, “What a divine melody.” Now, read on.
SECOMBE: Thank you Mister
Greenslade. Go and rehearse the
MILLIGAN:[2] Ho ho ho
lads – ho ho ho! Listen while we tell you a tale. Music lads! Ho ho ho! (Sings) “See them march by ...” [3]
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic oriental introduction. Link to subdued scene setting music
with harp, flute and gong.
GENGHIS KHAN: (Ancient oriental)
When I die, take all the treasures of my kingdom, place them at my feet, then
bury me in some high forgotten mountain. [4]
FX: Gong.
SECOMBE: Those words were spoken by
the Tartar Emperor Genghis Khan as he lay on his death-bed.
ECCLES: Fine, fine, fine.
SELLERS: Yes. (
FX: Gong.
ORCHESTRA: Oriental link – segues into dodgy
eastern style jazz. (Xylophone and saxophone with nanny-goat vibrato.)
GREENSLADE: It was nineteen
twenty-seven, which lasted exactly one year. Late one night within the oriental
exhibits room, young Neddie Seagoon… (double-take)
Young? (sniggers) Heh heh heh heh! (Pardon
me listeners.)
SEAGOON: I'll see you in the yard at
playtime Wal. I'll clout that big fat nut of yours.
ECCLES: Fine, fine, fine.
GREENSLADE: (Clears throat) Ahem… Neddie Seagoon, a young archaeologist, was at
work inside the
SEAGOON: (singing to himself.) Da-da de dee, da yum da-da dee… (Suddenly normal) Yes, I always work
late at the Victoria and Albert. You see for years I'd been searching for the
lost tomb of Genghis Khan. I was unwrapping some ancient Mongolian inscribed
tablets, that I had reason to believe would give me the exact location of the
tomb of Genghis Khan, when… suddenly… at about midnight ...
FX: Door knocker. Two knocks
SEAGOON: Who's there?
FX: Door knocker. Two knocks.
SEAGOON: Anybody else?
FX: Door knocker. Four knocks
SEAGOON: How do you spell it?
FX: Sixteen rapid knocks.
SEAGOON: I've never heard of either
of you.
FX: Door opens.
GRYTPYPE: (Approaching) Good evening.
MORIARTY: Bonsoir.
SEAGOON: Make up your minds.
GRYTPYPE: Pardon the intrusion
little nit. Ahm – I'm afraid we got lost in the fog.[5]
MORIARTY: Yes, is this place St
Leonards?
SEAGOON: No, it belonged to the L.C.C.
GRYTPYPE: What is this place?
SEAGOON: Victoria and Albert.
GRYTPYPE: Oh really, and which one
are you?
SEAGOON: I'm neither.
GRYTPYPE: I'm pleased to meet you.
This is my partner Count Fred Moriarty – the worlds louse ladder champion of nineteen
twenty-seven.[6]
SEAGOON: What do you both want at
this time of night?
MORIARTY: Shut your big pudding
muncher! Silence – this pistol is almost ready to explode.
SEAGOON: You crazy continental louse
ladder champion of nineteen twenty-seven, what do you want?
GRYTPYPE: Draw the curtain Moriarty.
FX: Hurried rustling of
fabric.
GRYTPYPE: (In a low voice) Now then – is there
anyone else in the building apart from you?
SEAGOON: Yes, two others.
GRYTPYPE: What are they doing?
SEAGOON: Holding me up with a
pistol.
MORIARTY: A likely story. Silence!
SEAGOON: What do you want?
GRYTPYPE: Neddie, we want to examine
a parcel of rare Mongolian clay tablets that arrived by air today. [7]
SEAGOON: You're wasting your time. I
won't tell you where that parcel is.
MORIARTY: Oh-ho-ho? I'll give you
something to make you talk. Take THAT!
SEAGOON: A pound note! I'm English –
money won't make me talk. I'll just point. There.
MORIARTY: Mersi. Right, turn round.
SEAGOON: I'm not strong enough.
MORIARTY: Very well, we'll walk
around you.
SEAGOON: Dear listener, even though
I had my back turned to them, I could still see them in a sixteen foot mirror
which I rushed out and bought. I observed them open the rare parcel, take out
the clay tablet, then placing it in separate pockets make to leave.[8]
GRYTPYPE: (Distant) Close your eyes Neddie.
SEAGOON: Right.
FX: Blackjack on punching-bag.
SEAGOON: (Gradually going off mic) Ohoooowwwwooooohh! Awwwwooooohh!
MORIARTY: Dear listeners – the thud
you heard was me striking Seagoon on the head with the heavy side of a
mummified Egyptian piano.
SEAGOON: Oooowwwwooooohh! Struck down.
Oooowwwwooooohh! Struck down in my prime. Oooowwwwooooohh! Oooowwwwooowwoohh! Ow
– struck down… (Going off mic) Oooowwwwooooohh!
GRYTPYPE: Dear listeners – the
groans you hear are those of Ned Seagoon falling unconscious to the ground, (and
hamming it for all he's worth I might say.)
SEAGOON: (Approaching) Lies, lies, lies – all lies dear listener. I'm not
hamming – it's just that I like to give Seagoon fans good value for money. Hahaha!
(Going off mic again) Ohoooowwwwooooohh!
(Close) Apart from that it's good publicity.
(Going off mic again) Ohoooowwwwooooohh!
FX: Door slams.
SEAGOON: They've gone. I must phone
the police.
FX: Dials as he spells.
SEAGOON: P. O. L. I. S… (Ohh! Oh my
head.)
ECCLES: (on phone) Hello?
SEAGOON: Hello – police? I want to
report a lump.
ECCLES: (on phone) Fine, fine, fine.
SEAGOON: What do you mean ‘fine,
fine, fine?’ Constubule, there's been a robbery.
ECCLES: (on phone) A robbery? Anything stolen?
SEAGOON: You see that parcel on the
table?
FX: Door knob rattles. Door opens.
ECCLES: (normal, panting) Yeah, I see it.
SEAGOON: Well, they rifled that.
ECCLES: (on phone) We're on our way round.
GRAMS: Two quick whooshes.
BLOODNOK: (Approaching) Aho! I'm sorry we're late, but I was asleep in
Bedfordshire. I always sleep in beds. Ahhoiho! I'm in condition tonight. Sergeant
Eccles, sharpen your note book. Now sir, tell me all.[9]
SEAGOON: Two men committed a
robbery.
BLOODNOK: Two men, eh. Male or
female?
SEAGOON: I don't know – they were
dressed.
BLOODNOK: What a cunning disguise.
Continue.
SEAGOON: I shall.
BLOODNOK: Thank you. Any money
stolen?
SEAGOON: Yes – a pound note.
BLOODNOK: Why did you steal it?
SEAGOON: I didn't, they took it off
me.
BLOODNOK: Orrgch! This pound note… (Er,
just a moment – may I lay on the couch?) [10] Thank
you. Now, describe that pound note.
SEAGOON: Well, it was valued at a
pound.
BLOODNOK: Tell me more – wonderful
money! Tell me more. This pound note – what colour was it?
SEAGOON: Green.
BLOODNOK: IT’S MINE! Mine was green.
SEAGOON: Inspector. It's not the
pound that was important.
BLOODNOK: Nonsense, any American
will give you six shillings for one. In fact the Bank of England will give you
seven.
SEAGOON: I am concerned with the
very rare, missing Mongolian tablet. You see, that's what they stole.
BLOODNOK: Describe these felons.
SEAGOON: You'll easily find them.
They're carrying a Mongolian clay tablet in their pockets.
BLOODNOK: Splendid! With that description
they won't get far.
ECCLES: Neither will we.
BLOODNOK: Shut up Eccles!
ECCLES: Shut up Eccles!
BLOODNOK: Don't you worry Seagoon –
we shall get them. Remember, we police are always on our toes, (and everyone
else's for that matter). But wait! Who is this approaching in a five piece
cardboard bikini and wearing male falsies? Yes – it's Max English gentleman Gildrung.
MAX GELDRAY – “The Peanut Vendor.” [11]
ORCHESTRA: Oriental theme.
GREENSLADE: The Tomb of Genghis Khan
part two, in which Neddie Seagoon awaits news of an arrest.
SEAGOON: Yes – five days passed,
six, seven, eight, nine, a week, but no news. By now the criminals had almost
given up hope of being caught. Then one night, unable to sleep, I walked
through the fog bound streets of
WILLIUM: (Surprised) Ohhh!
SEAGOON: Oh, I'm sorry I didn't see
you standing in that tree.[12]
WILLIUM: 'Ere, you’re looking for them
two crooks, ain't you mate?
SEAGOON: Yes. Why mate?
WILLIUM: Ooo, I know where they is
mate. Needle nardle noo! They're in
SEAGOON: How do you know mate?
WILLIUM: They left their address for
me to send on this parcel of laundry to 'em mate.
SEAGOON: Ahh. I have an idea mate. (going off) Come with me. I think...
GREENSLADE: While Seagoon is
executing his idea-mates, we go over to Mister Grytpype and Count Moriarty in
GRAMS: Loud bagpipes.
GRYTPYPE: Shut that window mate.
FX: Window being shut.
GRAMS: Bagpipes
stop.
MORIARTY: There, mate.
GRYTPYPE: Thank you. As I was saying
Moriarty, this clay tablet gives the exact location of the Emperors tomb, but as
a precaution I have had the entire inscription tattooed on the back of my false
teeth, just in case the tablet gets lost. By the way, the man who did the
tattooing was Doctor Fred Fu Manchu, Chinese tattooing artist.[13]
MORIARTY: Thank you for telling the
listeners the entire plot. Talking of Doctor Fred Manchu the oriental
tattooist, reminds me – as I was coming through the theatre tonight this parcel
of the laundry just arrived from
GRYTPYPE: Splendid Moriarty. Well,
I'm going to take a bath.
MORIARTY: You English – you're so
brave!
GRYTPYPE: Yes. Now take this gun…
MORIARTY: Yes?
GRYTPYPE: … and if the phone rings
...
MORIARTY: Yes?
GRYTPYPE: … don't hesitate to answer
it.
MORIARTY: Sapristi brains! You think
of everything.
GRYTPYPE: Not everything. Sometimes
I don't think of Aardvarks.
MORIARTY: You mustn't be so
careless. After all Aardvarks never killed anybody.
GRYTPYPE: I don't wish to know that.
(pause) Neither do the audience.[14] Now, open
that parcel.
FX: Unwrapping paper. Continue under.
MORIARTY: Certainement, or if you're
French – certainement.
GRYTPYPE: Merci.
MORIARTY: (Sings) “April in
we found a charlie…”[15]
GRYTPYPE: (Off) Save the brown paper for dinner.
MORIARTY: Certainement. Sapristi! What's
this inside?
SEAGOON: (Approaching) Hands up Count Moriarty, world’s louse ladder champion
nineteen twenty-seven!
MORIARTY: Sapristi, yukka kakka koo!
SEAGOON: Count, this is my friend
Eccles.
ECCLES: Hallo.
SEAGOON: Eccles, this is Count
Moriarty.
MORIARTY: Your humble servant.
SEAGOON: Right! Now hands up again.
Where's that rare tablet?
GRYTPYPE: Neddie, lower that finger!
SEAGOON: (Narrates) In the forty foot mirror I rushed out and bought, I
could see behind me Grytpype-Thynne standing up in the bath. Don't move
Grytpype! Drop that towel.
GRYTPYPE: Right – there!
ECCLES: (Agog) Ooooohh.
GREENSLADE: Ladies and gentlemen,
now you know why this show can never go on television. We will continue with
this delicate scene, if the ladies in the studio audience will kindly put their
hands over their ears. Thank you. [16]
SEAGOON: Right Eccles, keep these
two covered with this flint pistol. I'm going to look for that tablet.
ECCLES: Fine, fine, fine.
SEAGOON: I shan't be long.
FX: Door opening then closing.
(Pause)
ECCLES: (Singing nonchalantly) De daim...
de dum
bie boi...
ya
da doo...
ya
da doo.
Da
dum doo…
GRYTPYPE: So you're the
famous Eccles?
ECCLES: (On guard) Don't move, or I'll blow my brains out!
GRYTPYPE: I'm sorry.
(Pause)
ECCLES: (Sings as before) Da dum…
doi-a
ladadum…
ma
ha dhoei… &c
GRYTPYPE: My, my, my. What a
lovely voice you have.
ECCLES: (Sings) Doi… (Double take)
Eh?
GRYTPYPE: I say – what a lovely
voice you have.
ECCLES: You think so?
GRYTPYPE: Yes I do. Quite beautiful.
ECCLES: Oh. (Clears throat) (Sings full voiced) Lie die...
die
dumma la da die,
oh
ayia-lao-ao-ao-aow…
a
crowded room,
and
somehow you know…[17]
GRYTPYPE: Do you know any
more like that?
ECCLES: Yeah, here's one.
(Sings) Oyi… ooooarrrrum...
a
crowded room...
GRYTPYPE: Eccles, ah – not
quite right. You see, to get the right feeling you must close your eyes.
ECCLES: (Giggling) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'm no fool. If I close my eyes, I
won't be able to see you.
GRYTPYPE: (Suddenly very close) Will you miss me?
ECCLES: (Alarmed) Oh here, here, here, here, here, here! Well, listen – if
I close my eyes, I won't be able to see to point the gun at you. Ah, but wait –
you're keeping your eyes open.
GRYTPYPE: Of course.
ECCLES: Ooh, that's easy then. Then
you take the gun, but mind you keep it pointed at you.
GRYTPYPE: Scouts honour.
ECCLES: Now then… (clears throat) Listen to me sing with
my eyes closed. I'll close 'em. There. Hey – it's dark in here.
(sings) “I'm singing in the dark...
Melodies
of love for my old dad...
Play
that crazy saxophone…
Get
that crazy rhythm.
Lover,
come back to me.” [18]
FX: Blackjack on punching-bag.
ECCLES: Ohooowoowoow!
FX: Door opens.
SEAGOON: Eccles, look! I found the
clay tablet and....
FX: Blackjack.
SEAGOON: Owahoowoow!
MORIARTY: Well done Grytpype, you've
got both of them!
GRYTPYPE: Yes, well a bird in the
MORIARTY: Right. But the Mongolian
clay tablet…?!
GRYTPYPE: Leave it behind, then they'll
think we've forgotten it.
MORIARTY: But if we leave it behind,
we will have forgotten it.
GRYTPYPE: Gad, Moriarty – you think
of everything. [20]
MORIARTY: Not everything. Sometimes
I don't think of Aardvarks.
GRYTPYPE: You mustn't be so
careless.
MORIARTY: You're right – Aardvarks
never killed anybody.
GRYTPYPE: It's going to kill us if
we use it anymore.
SEAGOON: Oh my head! Ooowahoowoowoow!
What happened to me?
MORIARTY: This…
FX: Blackjack.
SEAGOON: Oowoow! Thank you for
telling me. Oowahwoo…
GRYTPYPE: Let's go.
FX: Door opening and closing.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic Oriental link.
SEAGOON: I knew that in order to
reach the tomb they'd make for the Singapore-China frontier.[21] To bar
the way I placed Eccles and comrade on guard.
BLUEBOTTLE: Eccles – how do you like
being on guard?
ECCLES: Fine, fine.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes it is fine. I feel
fine on guard.
ECCLES: Yeah, so do I. I feel fine
on guard.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes. It is nice to feel
fine, isn't it Eccles?
ECCLES: Yeah.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yeah. Yes, it is fine.
ECCLES: Yeah.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yeah. Encles?
ECCLES: Ahahahum?
BLUEBOTTLE: How do you feel now?
ECCLES: Fine. I feel... fine.
BLUEBOTTLE: I feel fine too.
ECCLES: Fine, fine.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes. It is good that we
both what is us feeling fine, isn't it?
ECCLES: Yeah. We both feel fine.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes. We are both…
BLUEBOTTLE & ECCLES: … feeling fine.
BLUEBOTTLE: (Panicking) 'Ere…!
ECCLES: What?!
BLUEBOTTLE: I feel sick! But never
mind, all is well. Here comes my Capitan on his horse, Silver. Hi-ho Silver! [22]
GRAMS: Old motor taxi approaching.
Back-firing, spluttering pistons etc. Stops.
SEAGOON: (Approaching) Whoa silver! Whoa there! Whoa-a, Whoa! How much will
that be Gladys?
GLADYS: Needle nardle noo.
FX: Clink of coins.
SEAGOON: Keep the change. Away you
go!
GRAMS: Steam train leaving
station. Speed up faster and faster and fade out.
GREENSLADE: Astute listeners will no
doubt be puzzled at a horse sounding like a taxi and a train. The truth is the
animal was also a brilliant impressionist. And here now is his impression of
Ray Ellington.
RAY ELLINGTON – “Lover Come Back to Me.” [23]
GRAMS: Whistling wind. Boots on gravel.
GRYTPYPE: (Exhausted) You hear that sound dear listeners? It's the eternal
wind that howls over the lichen backed mountains of
MORIARTY: Ahh oh ho! Sapristi
monkeys, it's so cold. Look – even the ice is frozen!
GRYTPYPE: You should have bought
some warm clothes.
MORIARTY: I did, but they got cold
up here.
GRYTPYPE: I understand well. Where's
that Mongolian porter?
SEAGOON: (Chinese accent) Here I am mlaster, willing to slerve. (Aside - normal) Little does he know
that I am really Neddie Seagoon, heavily disguised as a man who is heavily
disguised.
FX: Blackjack on punching-bag.
SEAGOON: (Injured) Arroowoow.
GRYTPYPE: Little does he know that
that was a heavily disguised clout.
SEAGOON: Little do they know that I
am only feigning unconsciousness. I daren't attack now, there are too many. I'll
wait till they've both gone and then I'll spring.
FX: Multiple belts on punching-bag with
blackjack.
SEAGOON: (Grunts and groans as if in a fist-fight.)
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic
fight-scene music. (Spriggs over.) End on dramatic descending phrase. Large
bass-drum note at the end.
SEAGOON: (Out of breath) Right you swines – had enough?
MORIARTY: Yes.
SEAGOON: Then untie me.
GRYTPYPE: Come along now Neddie –
why are you following us?
SEAGOON: You're so attractive.
GRYTPYPE: Oh!
MORIARTY: Silence nyuckoles. Now then,
what's your little game?
SEAGOON:
MORIARTY: Please Neddie, no
ad-libbing.
SEAGOON: Needle nardle noo. You
won't get away with this. The treasure in that tomb is mine, mine, mine, mine! [25] If only
I could get my hands free I could use the phone. (Straining) Ahh! I'll dial with my feet.
FX: Telephone dialling.
SEAGOON: Get my toe in the
di.. Ooh! Ooh!... I've got a long nail… (Further
straining)
FLOWERDEW: (on phone) Hello. You want me?
SEAGOON: Who are you?
FLOWERDEW: (on phone) I'm a chiropodist.
FX: Phone down.
SEAGOON: Heavens! I had the corn
exchange.
MORIARTY: So Neddie – caught you
using the telephone. Come on, out with it!
SEAGOON: What?
MORIARTY: Threepence.
FX: Cash register. Coin in tray.
MORIARTY: Thank you. Now start
walking in front with your hands and feet raised above your head.
SEAGOON: So we trudged the barren
landscape. It was a long day – it lasted thirty-six hours. We camped at night
fall. Next morning the blow struck.
GRYTPYPE: (toothless) Neddie. Neddie – bad news lad.
SEAGOON: What's up?
GRYTPYPE: (toothless) While I was asleep the world’s Louse Ladder Champion of
nineteen twenty-seven stole my false teeth – (aside) which, dear listeners you will remember had been inscribed
on the back with the map of the tomb by Doctor Fred Fu Manchu, oriental tattooist.
SEAGOON: Then Moriarty is the only
one who knows the way to the tomb.
FX: Knocking on door.
SEAGOON: Come in.
FX: Door knob rattles. Door opens.
ECCLES: Hello. Here, here – I followed
Moriarty in the tomb. (Going off)
I'll show you where it is. Come on now.
GREENSLADE: Listeners will no doubt
think it ludicrous that Eccles should suddenly come through a door a thousand
miles from the nearest building. The truth is, several doors have been placed
at intervals in the Mongolian mountains so as to obtain the sound of a door
opening, thus making it more interesting for listeners – especially those
without doors of their own.
ORCHESTRA: Corny chord in C. Cymbal snap.
GREENSLADE: Thank you. Meantime,
Neddie has arrived at the mouth of the tomb.
ECCLES: Here, here – you see this
big rock blocking the cave? Well the tomb’s behind there.
SEAGOON: How the devil could Moriarty
have moved that by himself?
ECCLES: He didn't, he said he would
need four men to open it.
MORIARTY: [26] (Approaching) Yes gentlemen – four men.
GRYTPYPE: Yes Neddie, four men.
Hands up!
SEAGOON: Argh, you two swines! So
that's why you got Eccles and me here – to help open the tomb door.
GRYTPYPE: Come lads, start working.
ECCLES: Hey, who're you pushing?
GRYTPYPE: You.
ECCLES: So that's why I'm moving.
GRYTPYPE: All together, heave...
GRAMS: Continuous
sound of falling pebbles, lumps of rock and various odds and ends. Hold under.
CAST: (straining noises – continue under.)
SEAGOON: Watch out for the old tenors friend. (Straining) Urrghhh…
GRYTPYPE: (Straining) Aardvarks never killed anybody.
MORIARTY: (Out of breath) There – it's open. Sapristi nuckoles! The tombs
empty! It's been ransacked. Who could have taken the treasures? Who could have
known about this place?
GRYTPYPE: (toothless) What's this card on the floor? Doctor Fred Fu Manchu,
oriental tattooist.
MORIARTY: Huh huh huh huohoa! FOILED
BY FRED! [27]
SEAGOON: Anybody for tennis?
GRYTPYPE: Too much like hard work!
SEAGOON: Aardvarks never killed
anybody!
GRYTPYPE: Darling, together again! Shall
we dance?
SEAGOON: Love to!
ORCHESTRA: End theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show,
a BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike
Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was
conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace
Greenslade – the program produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.
YTI 