GOON SHOW TLO 98778
6TH SERIES: NO 25
BROADCAST: 6 Mar 1956[1]
GREENSLADE: [2] This is the
BBC home service. Enter a short idiot.
SECOMBE: Good evening, folks. I commence
by walking backwards for Christmas.
GREENSLADE: Why?
SECOMBE: It's all the rage! [3]
(Laughs) Hahaha! Next, an excerpt
from ‘East Lynne.’ (Overacting) "Dead,
dead, and never called me mother!" [4]
ECCLES: But you were his father.
SECOMBE: Shut up, the famous Eccles.
ECCLES: Shut up, the famous Eccles…(Extended)
GREENSLADE: Mister Seagoon, please remove
that false bald woman's wig.
SECOMBE: And leave myself naked in the
mating season? (Laughs) Ha-ha-ha!
Never!
GREENSLADE: Very well, I sentence you to the
highly esteemed Goon Show.
ORCHESTRA: Tatty minor chord.
SECOMBE: They can go home today. (Announcing) Presenting Wallace
Greenslade and his daring announcement entitled:
GREENSLADE: “Le Salaire la Peur.”[5]
SECOMBE: Meaning "The Wages of Fear,”
or in England…
WILLIUM: The fear of wages! (Terror stricken) Ohhhh!
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.
GREENSLADE: Part one – The Missing Regiment.
GRAMS:
Distant gunfire.
SELLERS:
SEAGOON: These Japs can't hold out much
longer.
BLOODNOK: Oh, I don't know. This is the fourteenth
year we've been fighting 'em.[6]
SEAGOON: Don't worry, Major. They can't
stand much more of your drunken singing and bottle throwing.
BLOODNOK: I'm only doing my duty, sir! And
they'd better surrender soon – we've had no food or pay since that silly telegram.
SEAGOON: Telegram? You know... Give it
here.
FX: Letter opening.
SEAGOON: (Reading)
“British Forces,
BLOODNOK: Yes, yes. Well, I've never shown
it to you before because it was obviously the work of a practical joker.
SEAGOON: Well, I can only hope it is!
SINGHEZ THINGZ: (Approaching) Stop, stop, stop! A Japanese officer is attacking us
with a white flag, hooray!
SEAGOON: Gad! And it's the new Mark III
armour-piercing type white flag.[8]
THROAT: Cor blimey. I'm orf!
BLOODNOK: Ah, look, don't panic! I'll show
that Jap a thing or two. Help me off with my jodhpurs now. Come along…
SEAGOON: No, Major, please!
BLOODNOK: Out of my way! [9]
There, you Japanese devil – look at that!
SEAGOON: Dear listeners, from the waist
downwards Bloodnok was tattooed with a pair of false legs – facing the wrong
way!
BLOODNOK: Yes, they're all the rage you
know.
GENERAL YAKAMOTO:[10] (Approaching) Ah! (Burst of cod-Japanese) Please do not shoot!
SEAGOON: (Calling out) Who are you, you yellow swine?
BLOODNOK: You remember me – Dennis
Bloodnok.
SEAGOON: Not you! (Shouts) Come forward, military Japanese gentleman, but – keep your
right leg raised.
GENERAL YAKAMOTO: Please, I am General Yakamoto,
Commander of all Imperial Japanese troops in that tree.
SEAGOON: Well, yellow devil?
GENERAL YAKAMOTO: Request, please. Have
unexpectedly run short of ammunition. Please can we bollow two boxes until end
of the war? [11]
BLOODNOK: You Japanese are always on the
tap! You haven't returned our lawn mower yet.
GENERAL YAKAMOTO: Ah yukkabah. I’m velly solly,
but have not finished mowing jungle.
BLOODNOK: No. No more credit. Clear off!
GENERAL YAKAMOTO: Then am forced to sullender.
SEAGOON: Surrender? This means war!
GENERAL YAKAMOTO: War? I'm sorry, have no
alternative. To whom do we sullender honourable Japanese military stores,
please?
BLOODNOK: Stores? You've got stores?
GENERAL YAKAMOTO: Yes, I've got stores. One thousand
tons of nitro-glycerine…
BLOODNOK: Oh.
GENERAL YAKAMOTO: …and two-thousand cans of saké. (Aside) Saké being potent Japanese rice
wine.
BLOODNOK: Saké being potent Japanese rice
wine?
GENERAL YAKAMOTO: Yes, sir!
BLOODNOK: Ohhhh! I am forced to accept
your two-thousand cans of saké-surrender. Stack it under my bed, will you.
GENERAL YAKAMOTO: Ah, which are your tent, please?
BLOODNOK: The white one with the red cross
on it and the er… three dummy nurses outside. Go on! Don't say you don't trust
me.
GENERAL YAKAMOTO: I don't trust you.
BLOODNOK: Swine! I told you not to say it.
Hand me my Royal Engineers saxophone, issue type. (Going off) Now you Japanese devil – quick, march!
GRAMS:
Regiment marching.
ORCHESTRA: (Over) Dodgy saxophone
rendition of “Old Comrades March.” Fade into distance.[12]
SEAGOON: Gad, what a day this has been! A
triumph for British arms! Now I must inform the War Office that after fourteen
years of fighting, the Japanese army in that tree has finally surrendered.
FX:
Payphone handset lifts; coins fall into change-box.
ORCHESTRA:
Muted rendition of Land of Hope and
Glory. Hold under.
FX: Dialling.
SEAGOON: Dial on, brave telephone! Send
those triumphant, electric-type impulses a-thwart the sleeping continents to
the automatic-type exchanges in London, and list...
FX:
Phone rings over...
SEAGOON: …even now sounds the
tintinnabulation of the phone bell that will arouse the helmsmen of
WILLIUM: (On phone) Battersea Dogs Home, mate.[13]
SEAGOON: Curse! Wrong number. I shall
hurry thither to the Fear of Wages part...
GREENSLADE: Do you mind![14]
I'll make this announcement. "The Fear of Wages", part two. The same
day, four hours later.
ORCHESTRA:
Dramatic Link.
FX: Coins
falling one by one into a pile of silver.
MORIARTY: Brown power! Ooo-oo! Money!
Money-money-money! Little money, money, money, money! Ohieohieohieoooh! Lovely
money! (It's all the rage.)
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty, shhh... Pull that
transparent blind down, you fool. Now, have you sewn that ten thousand pounds into
the lining of your socks?
MORIARTY: Yes.
GRYTPYPE: Then help me get this hundred
pounds in fivers under my wig.
MORIARTY: Right! (Effort.) Down with your right hand... Back a bit... Ah... Right...
ah… There.
GRYTPYPE: Good man. Any more left?
MORIARTY: Only this fifty-thousand pounds in
loose silver.
GRYTPYPE: Oh. Now where can I hide that? Er…
I've got it! Moriarty, say "Ah."
MORIARTY: Ahhh…
FX:
Piles of coins being shovelling into pile.
MORIARTY: (Gulping noises.)
GRYTPYPE: Now Moriarty, keep your mouth
shut. I don't want...
FX: Phone rings. Receiver picked up.
GRYTPYPE: Army Pay Corp here, Chief
Cashier speaking. Yes? What!
FX: Receiver down.
GRYTPYPE:
(Panic) Moriarty!
MORIARTY: (Vomits.) Purghhhah…
FX:
Pile of coins onto hard surface.
MORIARTY: I – I'm sorry. I’m… (Spits) Purgh…
FX: Single coin.
MORIARTY:
I'm sorry…
GRYTPYPE: Yes, never mind about that.
Moriarty, we're in the grip-cart now. [15]
Remember the 3rd Armoured Thunderboxes who vanished in
MORIARTY: Yes, yes, yes, yes?
GRYTPYPE: Well, they're still alive.[16]
MORIARTY: Aowwww!
GRYTPYPE: That was their commander,
Seagoon.
MORIARTY: Ooooooooo! type oh! But we’ve
spent all their back pay!
GRYTPYPE: Yes.
MORIARTY: Forty-thousand pounds! Sapristi!
Court martialled, cashiered, shot at dawn. Take aim, fire, bang…(Imitates bugle playing The Last Post. Ends
with imitation rifle shots.)
GRYTPYPE: Now, don't panic! Don't panic,
my malodorous Gallic Charlie. We'll have to think of something else. Meanwhile,
Max Geldray and his chromatic plinge...[17]
MORIARTY: (Self fade) Oh, the horrors of brown power…
MAX GELDRAY – “Side by
Side”
[18]
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link
GRAMS:
Distant jungle sounds.
GREENSLADE: Night in the jungle encampment
of the 4th Armoured Thunderboxes.[19]
BLOODNOK: (writing) Dear Sirs: I am a keen art student over the age of twenty-one.
Please forward me your selection of continental art studies in the plain
wrapper. Care of C.M, Stokes...
SEAGOON: (distant) Major Bloodnok!
BLOODNOK: What? Oh, don't come in for a
minute, don't come in. Abdul, quick! Put screens round my bed. (Malingering) Ohhh. Come in, Seagoon.
SEAGOON: Thank you. Major, I was just
walking backwards for Christmas and I thought… (Embarrassed) Oh. Erm… (Nervously)
Ha-ha, I beg your pardon, madam. I...
BLOODNOK: Get behind that screen, Gladys!
Judy, Judy, Judy! Tamila babe. My wife, you know. Yes…[20]
SEAGOON: I see.
BLOODNOK: It's all lies, we're good
friends, of course. Oohh.
SEAGOON: Major.
BLOODNOK: What, what?
SEAGOON: Grave-type news. I've spoken to
BLOODNOK: What! I've never had a day's
death in my life. And what about our ten-years back pay? Did you tell them
we've been fighting all this time?
SEAGOON: I did. But they said these Japs
we are fighting must be forgeries!
BLOODNOK: You mean – they're worthless?
SEAGOON: They said no bank would cash
them.
BLOODNOK: Well, there's only one way to
get our back pay: we must return to
SEAGOON: Gad, yes. (Calls out) Sergeant Goldberg?
GOLDBURG: (Irish) Yes, sir. What is it, sir?
SEAGOON: Uproot that tree and replant it
in the back of the lorry, and try not to shake any Japs down.
GOLDBURG: Will yous be taking all that
Japanese liquor and wine with yous?
BLOODNOK: The saké, oh, yes, of course,
yes. And don't forget those screens around my bed. It's all the rage, you know.
(Raves)
SEAGOON: You know Bloodnok, I think we'd
better leave all that nitro-glycerine behind.
FX:
Phone rings. Receiver up.
SEAGOON: Yes?
GRYTPYPE: (On phone) You can't leave all that nitro-glycerine behind Seagoon.
SEAGOON: I wasn't going to. I was going
to leave it behind Bloodnok. (Hysterical
laughter. Sudden sanity.) Ahem.
GRYTPYPE: (On phone) Naughty Neddie. No ad libbing now. Now listen Nerk, (aside) – and this, dear listeners is
where we sew the seeds of Neddie’s demise. (Clears
throat. Aloud.) Neddie, stand at... ease!
GRAMS:
Regiment on parade ground.
GRYTPYPE: (On phone) Now Neddie, there's no question of you leaving that
naughty unexploded nitro-glycerine behind. If you want your back pay, all
Japanese stores must be surrendered to the War Office.
SEAGOON: But... it's so dangerous. Nitro-glycerine…
a lorry?
GRYTPYPE: (On phone) Yes! (Gloating
laughter.) Ha ha ha ha ha…
ORCHESTRA:
Dramatic link.
GRAMS: Distance heavy transports warming engines.
GREENSLADE: Dawn, and the 4th Armoured
Thunderboxes prepare for the long journey home. Before departure, the surrender
document is signed.
ORCHESTRA:
Distant military drum beating the retreat.
BLOODNOK: Ah, General Yakamoto will sign
here... (Suddenly very close) We'll er,
fill in the amount later.
FX: Pen on paper.
Continues under.
SEAGOON: (Narrating) I watched enthralled as slowly we hauled down the
Imperial Japanese credit note and ran up the victorious bouncing British cheque.
GENERAL YAKAMOTO: Ah! Honourable signature on
surrender document.
SEAGOON: Signed with a cross, eh? Ha! You
illiterate swine, you. Pass me the ink pad. (Effort)
Huh! There. There's my
thumbprint. Now we've both signed, mate. Now, get back in your tree.
BLOODNOK: Hurry up, Seagoon, we're ready
to leave.
SEAGOON: Are the lorries warmed up?
BLOODNOK: Yes, we've had 'em in the oven
all night. How do you like yours?
SEAGOON: Medium rare.
BLOODNOK: Splendid! Splendid! Then you
better drive the medium rare lorry carrying the nitro.
SEAGOON: (Gulp of fear.) I, er… I'd rather drive the lorry with the saké.
BLOODNOK: No, but you're a tea-totaller.
No, I insist on driving with the saké. SEAGOON: Why?
BLOODNOK: Well it's a
long, long story, you know... I mean I... Well er…
There's
a little yellow idol to the north of Kathmandu...[21]
SEAGOON: Yes, yes, I know.
BLOODNOK: What?
SEAGOON: But I refuse to drive the nitro
lorry
BLOODNOK: Why not?
SEAGOON: Well, it's a long story. You
see...
There's
a little yellow idol to the north of Kathmandu...
BLOODNOK: Shut up Seagoon. And here's a
record of me saying it.
GRAMS: Scratchy record behind.
BLOODNOK: (Pre-recorded)
Shut up Seagoon!
ECCLES: Shut up
Seagoon!
BLOODNOK: Shut up the
famous Eccles!
ECCLES: Shut up the
famous Eccles!
BLOODNOK: Shut up!
ECCLES: Shut up!
BLOODNOK: Get off this
record at once!
ECCLES: Okay.
GRAMS: Running
footsteps.
FX: Person
jumping down onto bare floorboards.
ECCLES:
(Close) Hallo!
SEAGOON: Private Eccles. Just the man!
You see the lorry that everybody's keeping clear of?
ECCLES: Yeah, yah-yah-yah-yah.
SEAGOON: Good good good good good good
good good good good! Well, drive it back to
ECCLES: Okay! Okay! Good-bye.
GRAMS: Lorry drives off at speed. Sudden
series of explosions in distance.
ECCLES: (Close) A good job I wasn't on it.
SEAGOON: What! Then who was driving it?
BLUEBOTTLE: (Distant) You rotten swine, you! (Approaching) Hehehehehe! I was kipping in the back of that lorry,
like a happy boy traveller, when – PLUNGEE! I was blown backwards out of my
boots.
SEAGOON: Little blackened, hairless, singed
goon –
BLUEBOTTLE: Hee-hee.
SEAGOON: … what were you doing in that
lorry?
BLUEBOTTLE: Well, it's a long story Captain.
You see,
There's
a little cardboard idol sitting North of East Finchley
and
the smoke went...
SEAGOON: Shh! Here's Ray Ellington.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh,…………….[22]
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET -
"Pink
GREENSLADE: That was Ray Ellington, the
demon plasterer – but then you'll have guessed. And now, "The Fear of
Wages" part the scran. Five weeks of travel saw the lorries well on their
way.
GRAMS:
Fade in distant lorry engines.
BLOODNOK: (Drinking)
SEAGOON: Bloodnok! Bloodnok, you must
stop drinking that saké. Without it – no back pay.
BLOODNOK: Oh, come on! Just this one. It's
thirsty work this drinking, you know.
GENERAL YAKAMOTO: (aside) Little do English fool know that it are not saké he are
drinking but nitro-glycerine that I substitute. (Laughing) Hai-he-hoi-he-ha-hai in Japanese.
BLOODNOK: (Distant) Keep quiet up that tree there!
GENERAL YAKAMOTO: (Calls out) Sorry, was just giving listeners story of plot.
GRAMS: Swell sound of lorry engines and fade.
GREENSLADE: Meanwhile, in
OMNES: (Randomly) Rhubarb! Rhubarb! Rhubarb! Custard! Rhubarb!
MORIARTY: (Close) Grytpype, you say the nitro exploded when they were in the
lorry?
GRYTPYPE: (Close) Yes, friend. Our little plan went for a burton.[24]
That's why I've arranged this meeting.
SPRIGGS: I say, are you positive that
this missing regiment has reappeared and is even now on it's way back to
GRYTPYPE: Yes, Mister Chancellor of the
Exchequer.[25]
And according to our records, their combined back pay and accrued interest
amounts to thirty-three million pounds.
SPRIGGS: Oh dear, dear, dear, dear! This
will ruin my budget.
CHURCHILL:[26] You've
already ruined it yourself.
SPRIGGS: Stop it you simple people. That
regiment must be stopped before it reaches
GRYTPYPE: Yes, we'll declare war on them.
SPRIGGS: What!
GRYTPYPE: Why not? Everyone else does.
SPRIGGS: No, no, no, no! We must get a
foreign power to do it.
GRYTPYPE: Well, chose one.
SPRIGGS: Well,
GRYTPYPE: I'll inform
SPRIGGS: Right.
GRYTPYPE: (Shouts into the distance.) Hello,
VOICE OF
GRYTPYPE: Declare war on the 4th Armoured
Thunderboxes, now in
VOICE OF
GENERAL YAKAMOTO: Yes, sir?
VOICE OF
GENERAL YAKAMOTO: I do. Velly good. Fire!
GRAMS:
Machinegun fire. Fade behind.
SEAGOON: Bloodnok, stop the lorry! Those
Japs are firing at us.
BLOODNOK: The treacherous devils! Help me
off with my jodhpurs.
SEAGOON: No, Major, please! Not Leo the
lion. Please – not that again! They know that tattooed leg trick now.[28]
GRAMS: Machinegun fire suddenly stops.
BLOODNOK: Well, there you are! It's done
the trick. They've stopped firing.
GENERAL YAKAMOTO: (Distant) Yes, I've run out of ammunition.
BLOODNOK: What! Well, there's no dice
here. You've had enough on tic from us already.
GENERAL YAKAMOTO: Wait a minute. Please tell me
how much we owe.
BLOODNOK: Seagoon, play him back his
account.
SEAGOON: Right sir.
GRAMS:
Short
recording of Japanese tune on koto.
SEAGOON: … and sixpence halfpenny.
GENERAL YAKAMOTO: Please, velly please, I promise
I pay you back at rate of – GRAMS:
Another short tune on koto.
GENERAL YAKAMOTO:
… a week.
BLOODNOK: Seagoon, how much is –
GRAMS: Same
short tune on koto.
BLOODNOK:
… in English money?
SEAGOON: It's about…
GRAMS: “Over
the Waves” on decrepit old barrel-organ.
SEAGOON:
… sir.
BLOODNOK: It's not enough, d’you hear!
Here, hold me trousers. I'll get them out of that tree with a wrist watch! [29]
GRAMS: Sawing
of timber. Sudden burst of rifle fire over.
BLOODNOK:
The treacherous devils! They've found more ammunition. They must have had a Red
Cross parcel from home. [30]
SEAGOON: Quick, into the driving cab,
it's bullet proof.
FX: Cabin door slams.
BLOODNOK: Splendid! We can drive on and
continue engaging the enemy in that tree in the back of the lorry all at the
save time.
SEAGOON: A magnificent exposition of the
plot, Bloodnok!
BLOODNOK: Thank you!
SEAGOON: And under enemy fire, too.
BLOODNOK: Of course!
SEAGOON: Have a knighthood. [31]
BLOODNOK: Oh, ta mate.
SEAGOON: Right, then. Drive on, Sir
Dennis.
BLOODNOK: Beep-a-beep! Ooh!
GRAMS:
(Pre-recorded) Terrific burst of
gunfire. Mix in sports car, more rifle fire, chickens clucking, more gunfire.
SEAGOON:
You swine!
BLOODNOK: Careful! Don’t antagonise them Seagoon.
SEAGOON:
Take your hands down, Bloodnok!
BLOODNOK:
What! What! Ohhh!
SEAGOON:
Watch out! You’ll get the blame.
BLOODNOK: I’ll
have you yet, you Chinese, fiendish, Japanese devils, you!
SEAGOON: Please!!
BLOODNOK: What?
Seilung! Volkeschier gebachter.
SEAGOON: Take that!
BLOODNOK: Ahhh! [32]
Mix the dialogue in with the grams, and
then speed the whole thing up.
ORCHESTRA:
“Land of Hope and Glory” played at double
tempo.
OMNES:
(Variously) Rhubarb! Rhubarb! Rhubarb!
Rhubarb! Rhubarb! Cabinet meeting rhubarb! Rhubarb! Custard! Rhubarb!
GRYTPYPE: Well, thank you for your cabinet
meeting rhubarbs. Now, gentlemen, our plan to stop the 4th Armoured
Thunderboxes has failed.
SECOMBE: Ohohoh!
GRYTPYPE: We shall probably have to give
them all their back pay.
SPRIGGS: What!
SECOMBE: What!
SPRIGGS: What!
SECOMBE: What!
SPRIGGS: What!
SECOMBE: What!
SPRIGGS: I said it first.
SECOMBE: Custard.
SPRIGGS: What? Didn’t the Japanese
declare World War III on them?
GRYTPYPE: Yes, but Seagoon has managed to
get the war onto the back of a lorry and is driving it here.
SPRIGGS: Horrors!
OMNES:
(Pandemonium.)
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty, Moriarty!
MORIARTY: Yes?
GRYTPYPE: I must get in touch with them.
What is the number of that lorry?
MORIARTY: Ah, G-X-K, six-three-nine.
FX: Old
fashioned telephone dialing.
GRYTPYPE: (Self-fade; dialing.) G.. X.. K.. six… three… nine.[33]
GRAMS:
Lorry engines. Distant gunfire. Hold under.
FX: Telephone rings.
SEAGOON: Take the wheel Bloodnok.
FX: Hand piece lifted.
SEAGOON:
Hello, World War III speaking.
GRYTPYPE: (On phone) Where are you speaking from?
SEAGOON: We're just drawing up outside number
ten Thriff Street.
FX: Knocking
on door.
SEAGOON: That's us at the door now.
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty, answer it.
FX: Door
opens
MORIARTY: (Panic) Sapristi measurements! It’s Sabrina.
SEAGOON: Wrong! It’s
me with my arms folded. Seagoon's the name.
MORIARTY: Seagoon! Oieoieoieoieoie – it
can't be! You're a lying charlatan.
SEAGOON: Rubbish, I'm a truthful
charlatan. Now, where's our back pay?
MORIARTY: Back pay? (Desolation) Ohieohieohieohie! Sapristi Edison glasshouse!
Ohieohie… (Extended)
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty, stop shaving your
head. Welcome, Colonel Seagoon, welcome. Now, before you get your back pay,
there is a little matter of handing over the enemy stores.
SEAGOON: Of course! There's the lorry,
the captured Japanese forces up that tree, but the nitro-glycerine exploded.
GRYTPYPE: And the thousand cans of saké?
SEAGOON: (Gulps) Ah, I'm afraid Bloodnok drank it.
GRYTPYPE: Well, I'm sorry, Seagoon. No saké,
no back pay.
SEAGOON: What! Eccles, get an empty
bucket, quick! Now, grab Bloodnok's ankles.
SEAGOON
& ECCLES: (Effort)
BLOODNOK: What's going on here?
SEAGOON: Hold his head over the bucket.
Now, shake him! Come on.
SEAGOON & ECCLES: (Effort)
BLOODNOK: (Retching.) Ahurgh…
GREENSLADE: Listeners will recall that
Bloodnok has not been drinking saké but nitro-glycerine, therefore…
GRAMS:
Terrific explosion. Rubble falling.
GREENSLADE: And so ended World War III. Book
now for World War IV.
BLUEBOTTLE: Mr. Greenslinge, would you mind
telling the nice peoples that I have not been deaded this week? [34]
GREENSLADE: Certainly.
GREENSLADE: (Bluebottle shadows lines.) Ladies
and Gentlemen it is both a privilege and a pleasure to announce that…
GREENSLADE:
Shut up, Bluebottle!
BLUEBOTTLE: Shut up, Bluebottle!
GREENSLADE: Shut up!
BLUEBOTTLE: Shut up!
GREENSLADE: (Bluebottle shadows lines.) …a
privilege and a pleasure to announce that the lad, Bluebottle, was not deaded
this week.
BLUEBOTTLE: Here, that was a good game that
was, wasn't it? I like that game! Hee-hee-hee!
ORCHESTRA: End theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show, a BBC
recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, and Spike Milligan,
with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The Orchestra was conducted by
Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens,[35]
announcer Wallace Greenslade, the program produced by Pat Dixon.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.
YTI
[1] The
existential thriller “La Salaire de la Peur” (1953) was a critically
hailed French film directed by Henri-Georges Clouzot. It concerns four European men, down on
their luck and stranded in a remote Mexican town, who agree to drive two
trucks, loaded with nitro-glycerine over mountain roads, to extinguish the flames of an
oil well fire. Spike
probably saw it sometime during 1955 and filed the idea away for future use. As
was his habit, he dovetailed two ideas
together – the plot about gingerly transporting nitro-glycerine over dangerous
terrain, with a report in Time Magazine from November 1955, which told the story of;
“the capture of Seaman Noboru Kinoshita who had escaped from
a sinking troopship off the Philippines in 1944. For eleven years, Seaman
Kinoshita lived … in the jungles of Luzon awaiting the day when a victorious
Japanese navy would come to rescue him. That day never dawned, but last
fortnight, Kinoshita was picked up by Philippine police.”
The tale
of a lone soldier still fighting the war, contrasting with the drama of
handling explosive material, in many ways closely resembled Spike’s own psychological
experience since the war. His precipitous mental state, his experiences on the
battlefield, and the ‘pay-off’ he received from the British establishment, who he
believed, defrauded him of his dues, seems to have eaten away at him on and off
over the decade and resulted in a sense of indignant rage and the conviction that he was
undervalued. This depressive belief sometimes gave him the morbid air of a
martyr, making him increasingly hard to get along with, and it also gave him a
lifelong distain for the BBC (to him the ‘establishment’) and for other self-righteous
organisations who thought of themselves as the guardians of the public purse
and the public good. A decade later, this anti-establishmentarianism was to
make Spike an attractive figure during the ‘turn-off, drop out’ era of social
disobedience. He stood against the bomb, the force feeding of geese, meat
eating and the mistreatment of animals, while encouraging respect for the
environment, mental illness and antiques. As the years went by, his public
persona tended more and more towards the social drop-out, mixed with odd bursts
of reactionary conservatism. ‘The Fear of
Wages’ to him, meant the fear of dealing with the post-war world, a world
that had been earned by the blood of his regiment, but whose payoff was being
pilfered by the devious, uncaring establishment. And nowhere in this future
were the parallels with his own condition more stark than in the dangerous goods that he had
brought back from the battlefield with him, mental instability.
Seaman
Kinoshita, captured from the Luzon jungles the previous December never saw his grieving
family again. He hanged himself rather than return to Japan in defeat.
[2] There is a short, nonsense lead-in
from Secombe and Milligan:
MILLIGAN: (Off) Brooown power!
SECOMBE: Aye! Oui! The brown
power!… Stop! (Raspberry) The spoot-wing…”
[3] “I’m Walking Backwards For Christmas” (Milligan 1955) had made its first complete appearance on the Goon Show in ‘The Great Tuscan Salami Scandal” (23/6th), two shows earlier. Spike seems to have been encouraged by its reception, eventually recording the number for Decca (DECCA F. 10756 – along with ‘The Bluebottle Blues’) in May. The disc was released commercially in August.
[4] “East
Lynne” by Ellen Wood first appeared in serial form in The New Monthly
Magazine in 1860. Instantly popular, it was adapted for the stage many times. However
its implausible plot, emotional dialogue and soporific morality became a
bye-word for everything that was unbearably twee about Edwardian theatre. The
quote itself didn’t appear in the novel,
but in one of the many adaptations.
[5] (Sic.) Milligan has mistaken the title. On
the original movie poster the preposition ‘de’ is in very small letters. A
cursory glance at the poster could have caused him to misread the French.
[6] The Japanese invaded Burma in
mid-January 1942 crossing at Victoria Point, the southernmost point of Burma.
Burma was poorly defended, abjectly equipped and undermanned. The British were
forced to retreat, a retreat which became one of the greatest disasters of the
Pacific war.
[7] The actual date of the announcement
was August 15, nine days after the Hiroshima atomic bomb. Louis Francis Albert
Victor Nicholas Mountbatten, 1st Earl Mountbatten of Burma
(1900-1979) was Supreme Allied Commander
of the Southeast Asia Theatre of war – (this line was cut from the overseas
broadcasts). His command oversaw the recapture of Burma from the Japanese. Raconteur, romantic and minor royal, he once penned a
letter to a newspaper after breaking his ankle tobogganing, which said; “A
young naval officer, injured and in hospital, desires correspondence.” He
received a deluge of sympathetic replies, many from affected young ladies proposing marriage.
[8] Milligan is being needlessly specific,
but this is to be expected from someone who had spent the war in a heavy
artillery regiment. Spike is referring to the Bofor QF 40mm Mark III which was
the British Army’s standard light AA weapon, and had been deployed in the North
African conflict for ground shoots as well as AA duties.
[9] Sellers becomes unclear for a
moment, but seems to say “Plunger!”
slightly off-mic. Plunger was WWII slang for a large penis. Milligan is in fact
referring to an event which occurred during his WWII training when Gunner
‘Plunger’ Bailey performed a twenty minute act with his genitals. Removing his
trousers, and using a torch as a spot light, he created theatrical magic with
tableaux such as, ‘The Last Turkey in the
Shop’, ‘Groucho Marx’, ‘The Roaring of the Lions’ and ‘The white eared elephant’. Finally for
the National Anthem, he made the member stand.
This bawdy event is the background to Bloodnok’s unusual behaviour,
explaining both his nudity here and the later reference to Leo the lion. See “Adolf Hitler: My Part in His Downfall”
(Michael Joseph, 1971, p70-71.)
[10] Milligan.
[11] Milligan was using the time honoured
Chinese music-hall tradition of turning all ‘r’s into double’l’s.
[12] “Die
Alten Kameraden März,” (“The Old
Comrades March”) was written around 1889 by the German military composer
Carl Teike (1864-1922.) It was used as
the play-out for the Goon Show in the 8th, 9th and 10th series, and
during the Vintage Goons. Like “The
Liberty Bell March” – the theme of the later Monty Python TV series, the “Old Comrades” march became inextricably
connected with the Goon Show. It’s impossible to be completely certain, but it
seems this is the first time the piece was played in the Goon Show. It become
the signature play-out theme during the 8th series.
[13] The Battersea Dogs and Cats Home is
the oldest animal welfare organisation in Britain concerned with the care of
abandoned animals. Battersea is one of a number of London suburbs that Spike
liked to refer to. It is mentioned first in “The Greenslade Story” (14/6th) when he announces that
Ray Ellington is appearing at the dogs home there; a government minister
decries the “pong at Battersea” in “The
Treasure in the Tower” (5/8th);
while Bloodnok recovers in the measles ward of the Battersea dogs hospital in “The Great Statue Debate” (26/8th);
and lastly “…a man and woman from the Ministry of Certain Things were flown in
from Battersea by road…” in “The Scarlet Capsule”
(14/9th).
[14] Secombe blows a raspberry in
Greenslade’s direction. This seems to set off a chain reaction that nearly
causes Wallace to corpse in his announcement, something he rarely did.
[15] What he means is not at all clear. A
‘grip-cart’ is a trolley still used
in the movie industry, but the term was used for various pieces of stage
equipment both in the world of the circus and in vaudeville. Spike’s
grandfather had obtained part time work as a stage-hand at the Queen’s Music
Hall in Poplar, East London, enabling him to put his son Leo (Spike’s father)
on stage at the tender age of two. The use of a grip-cart would have been part
and parcel of his job and Spike would most likely have heard his father mention
them. The purpose of a ‘grip’ is to keep things steady, so it stands to reason
that Grytpype is encouraging Moriarty to stand firm.
[16] This scene between Grytpype and
Moriarty, where Moriarty literally eats the soldier’s salaries, provides an
important glimpse into Milligan’s state of mind. It is clear he saw the British
establishment – particularly in regards his experience with the BBC, as racketeers
who exploited the returned serviceman – in particular himself, the soldier who
went off to war and kept fighting even after the war was over, but who returned
with a lorry load of joviality – his
comic creativity, and a store of dangerous goods – mental instability. Spike
seems to have been aware that his war experiences had honed his comic
creativity. He felt things deeper, wrote things funnier and perceived the world
in more kaleidoscopic colours than other comics, but the whole edifice of his
art depended on him not shaking the lorry too much or the whole thing would
explode in a ball of black depression. Both Moriarty and Bloodnok consume their
goods – one eats their pay, the other drinks the nitro-glycerine. Moriarty
eating Spike’s salary is a picture of the establishment consuming Spike’s
worth. Bloodnok drinking the nitro represents Spike’s own confusion between the
different sorts of volubility in his life, saké or nitro-glycerine, laughter or
tears, humour or psychosis, sanity or insanity. Bloodnok and Moriarty both
vomit up the goods they consume – the show actually finishes with the cast physically
assaulting Bloodnok in an effort to cause him to throw up. In Spike’s world
view, he was the confused carrier of dangerous goods and every day was a
toss-up whether he would spew up comedy or tragedy.
[17] Milligan enjoyed toying with the word ‘plinge’. It had appeared
in “The Choking Horror” (22/6th)
as a number, and would appear in “Scradje!”
(26/6th) as an cry. Later in the 8th series he used
it as a name (Muriel Plinge) and in the 9th series as a past
participle; “It’s as I plinned, planned,
plooned and plinged!”
[18] “Side
by Side” an evergreen standard was written in 1927 by Kahn & Woods.
Best known recording was released in 1953 by Kay Starr.
[19] Spike is not paying attention. He
had originally named them the 3rd Armoured Thunderboxes. A ‘thunderbox’ was
Australian slang for an outside toilet.
[20] For
many years, Cary Grant was
believed to have coined the phrase “Judy! Judy! Judy!” in the 1939 film “Only Angels Have Wings” but this is a
myth as the line is heard nowhere in the
movie. However he did say “Susan! Susan! Susan!” in “Bringing Up Baby” a year earlier, and it seems a later comic
impersonator started the myth by including the altered line in his act. The Johnny
Tillotson song of the same title did not appear until well after the Goon Shows
had finished. ‘Tamila babè’ is an unknown reference. It could refer to a Tamil
prostitute. People of Indian origin make up about 2% of the Burmese population.
[21] The first line of J. Milton Haynes’ dramatic monologue “The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God,”
written in 1911. It was a staple recitation for music hall artists, and concert
party performers.
[22] Unclear word.
[23] By
George Forrest and Robert Wright, 1950. Forrest and Wright, writing partners
and life partners for over 70 years, were responsible for penning many of the
greatest film and stage scores of the 20th century, including ‘Kismet’ and ‘Song of Norway’. This
is one of the poorest performances that Ellington ever gave. It is constantly
marred by the cast apparently mugging behind the band in an attempt to make him
corpse during the song.
[24] To ‘go for a burton’ means to
‘be lost, destroyed or killed’ (Oxford Reference Dictionary.)
[25] I think
Spriggs is imitating R.A.
Butler whose last budget had ruined his career. Butler had been removed from
the Exchequer the previous December after the overheating economy had forced
the him to renege on tax cuts promised prior to the 1955 general election. With
his budget in tatters, Rab Butler was moved to the post of Lord Privy Seal. He
was replaced by Harold McMillan. It is possible that Milligan had therefore
began the script before Christmas 1955.
[26] It is a superb piece of imitation by
Sellers, even capturing Churchill’s slight vocal impairment. Churchill had
suffered a minor stroke at the end of the war and a much more severe stroke
while Prime Minister in 1953 – although this was kept from the public at the
time. He retired from public office in 1955, handing the reins of government to
Anthony Eden. Sellers manages a thoroughly convincing voice, receiving a fine
burst of applause from the audience for it.
[27] Secombe. The catch-phrase
‘yakkabakkaka’ or ‘yakkabakka-boo’ or ‘yakkabakka-koo’ or ‘yakkakakka-koo’ or
‘yakkabakakkas’ occurs most often in the 6th series. The word was
used highly creatively and never appears in the same form twice. It’s most
famous use (and in its shortest form - ‘yakka-boo’) was in “Lurgi Strikes Britain” (7/5th) where it appears as a
symptom of the dreaded lurgi. It is hard to pin point its first usage. It had
been used three shows earlier in “The
Phantom Head Shaver” (4/5th) and could have been used in “The First Albert Memorial to the Moon”
(7/4th) if the script of the Vintage Goons version is to be trusted.
In that show (14/V) Milligan writes it as:
MILLIGAN: Sixty six nibblets brackets and a punchon-purchase
and a gny-y-y-yakkakoo!
[28] See reference no.9.
[29] Bloodnok’s threat involving a
wrist-watch has something to do with the original “Plunger” Bailey story in “Hitler; My Part in his Downfall” (see
ref. 9) though it is uncertain what part the wristwatch played in the
barrack-room demonstration. As was his wont, Milligan’s references were meant
to appeal to returned servicemen of the lower ranks who would have known and
appreciated the meaning of these references. To all other listeners, these
types of lines sounded like nonsense and gave the Goon Shows an unnecessary
(and reasonably untruthful) reputation of being absurdism taken to extreme
lengths.
[30] This is the second time in the show
that Milligan makes a dig at the Red Cross. There were persistent myths during
the war about Axis soldiers receiving ammunition concealed in Red Cross
parcels, or using fake Red Cross aid stations to conceal battle positions, but
very little hard evidence has ever come to light to prove it. The Japanese in
particular did all they could to hinder the work of the Red Cross. At the
Japanese POW camp of Changi for example, inmates received only a tiny portion
of one Red Cross food parcel in the three years the camp was in operation, and
just one letter each a year.
[31] The New Year’s Honours list that year had been the cause of a small media controversy. The magazine ‘The People’ had broken the traditional embargo on publication of the list, releasing it well before the rest of the London papers and calling the selection of worthy notables “the dullest list ever got together.” Spike seems to have been irritated by the awards, mentioning them in “The House of Teeth” (20/6th), “Tales of Old Dartmoor” (21/6th) and here.
[32] This pre-recorded sequence is
extremely complex. Many of the lines are unclear, particularly Secombe’s
replies. However it is worthwhile to note the sudden burst of cod-German from Sellers.
He is actually quoting a line from the forthcoming show “The Man Who Never Was”(27/6th.) The original script had
first been performed in 1953 (20/3rd), and this out-of-place quote shows
that Milligan was reworking the script around this time.
[33] This gag confusing telephone numbers
with number plates, naff as it is to modern listeners, was an aspirational joke
in 1956. A quarter of British homes were still not connected to electricity –
(known popularly as “going on the electricity”) and only 10% of homes owned a
phone. But around 24% of households now owned a motor vehicle and it was
treated ‘just like the Crown Jewels,’ traditionally taken out for a spin only
on a Sunday, washed, polished and put back in the garage for the remainder of
the week. To joke about things like this in 1956 was part and parcel of the
average British listener coming to terms with the fact that these things were now
increasingly within the reach of ordinary people.
[34] Which is not quite true. Bluebottle
was blown up a few lines before Ellington’s number ‘Pink Champagne’. It is a
measure of the speed of Spike’s writing process that details like this escaped
his attention.
[35] This was the first of three scripts
Larry Stephens co-wrote with Spike for the 6th series. Stephens, a
musician like Spike, diffident but supremely talented, had been writing for
Tony Hancock before he was well known, and came to the assistance of Milligan
during the writing of the first two series of the Goon Show. The BBC sacked him
in 1954 for failing to deliver scripts on time, but Milligan brought him back
on board for the end of this series on the understanding that he would be
responsible personally for Stephens and pay him out of his own pocket.
“Logical, perceptive and
clever, Stephens could capture Milligan's quick little ideas before they shot
straight out of sight and then place them into a relatively coherent structure.
His own keen visual sense – he would even illustrate his scripts with vivid
little drawings of certain goons – helped sharpen some of Milligan's
characterisations and stimulated his already rich and lively imagination.
Milligan would throw out all kinds of hit-or-miss suggestions; Stephens would
retrieve the ones most likely to work. Milligan would sometimes get distracted
or paralysed by all of the comic possibilities; Stephens would often find the
most effective way to get him back on track and moving forwards.”
(“Spike & Co.” Graham McCann – Hodder and Stoughton 2006,
p.151)