THE
HOUSE OF TEETH
GOON SHOW: TLO 96271
6TH SERIES: No 20
1st BROADCAST: 31 Jan 1956
Script by Spike Milligan[1]
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Home Service.
ECCLES: Fine, fine.
GREENSLADE: Ahem. Mister Stott! Mood music,
please.
ORCHESTRA:
Horror introduction.
HEADSTONE: The jolly Goons present a play
entitled...[2]
GRAMS:
Distant, long drawn-out scream.
GRAVELY HEADSTONE: ...in three parts. Part one is
entitled...
GRAMS:
(Fast) Wallop on back of head. Pop of
large pop gun. Set of false teeth hitting inside of bucket. (Pre-recorded scream) AAAAAAAAAARGHHH!
SEAGOON: I'll never forget that terrible
sound, listeners. Perhaps you’d better hear it again.[3]
GRAMS:
(Replay) Wallop on back of head. Pop of
large pop gun. Set of false teeth hitting inside of bucket. (Pre-recorded scream) AAAAAAAAAARGHHH!
SEAGOON: It started back in 1889...
GRAMS:
Driving rain. Horse and cart trundling
along road. Continue under.
SEAGOON: It was the worst storm they’d
ever known in the Dolomites.[4]
I, Lord Seagoon – daredevil fretwork champion, was lost with my servants on the
side of a precipitous mountain in a horse-drawn motor car.
GRAMS:
Horse rears and neighs. Carriage stops.
Rain swells and continues under.
SEAGOON: (Calls) Why have we stopped, O'Brien?
ELLINGTON: I think the horse must be tired,
sir.
SEAGOON: Why?
ELLINGTON: He's got his pyjamas on,
begorrah.[5]
WILLIUM: I think we're lost, mate.[6]
SEAGOON: Tut, tut! – what a nuisance. Well,
there's naught for it mate – we'll spend the night here. I'll sleep in the
ditch and you sleep standing up holding an umbrella over me.
WILLIUM: I'm goin' ter vote Labour next
time, mate.[7]
SEAGOON: Silence you political hot-head!
ELLINGTON: Lord Seagoon, me no like to
spend the night on this pitch black road.
SEAGOON: Don't worry – you won't be noticed.
Now, as we're staying the night here, unroll my brass bedstead and erect my
marble wash stand. (Calls) Abdul?
ABDUL:[8] (approaching) What do you want, sahib? –
‘ooray.
SEAGOON: Before I retire, prepare a light
sixteen-course banquet.
ABDUL: I go and connect the gas stove
up to the horse – ‘ooray.
SEAGOON: Mind you get the right end this
time. Willium? Lay out my evening dress.
WILLIUM: Cor struth! – you wearing
evening dress in this rain and mud, mate?
SEAGOON: Yes. Remember all of you – we're
British. Together – hip hip…
CAST: (miserable) Hooray!
SEAGOON: Good. Next, hoist a small Union
Jack and unveil a bust of Queen
GRAMS:
Lone bell rings in the distance.
WILLIUM: Listen mate.
GRAMS:
WILLIUM: There it is again mate.
GRAMS:
WILLIUM: And again mate. ‘Less I'm
mistaken, it's going to go…
GRAMS:
WILLIUM: … again mate.
SEAGOON:[10] I wonder what it is mate.
WILLIUM: It's a bell ringing mate.
SEAGOON: There you go – jumping to
conclusions! We'll soon find out. O'Brien, strike one of my monogrammed
matches.
FX:
Match striking. Flares.
SEAGOON: Look! A castle a mere twenty
miles away. After it, before it gets away!
ABDUL: (Self fade) Wait for me sahib!
GRAMS:
Ten pairs of boots running at speed.
(Pre-recorded) SEAGOON: Come along fellas!
(Gradually speed up and fade into the
distance.)
SEAGOON:
Brace yourself Jack!
CAST:
(Various shouts and cries.)
ORCHESTRA:
Horror link.
GRAMS:
Boots running – fade in as if
approaching, then wind the speed down.
SEAGOON: Well, here we are men. This is
the place.
ELLINGTON: Thank heaven! My feet have been killing me.
SEAGOON: You're not the only one they've
been killing. Right Abdul, hoist a
French
ELLINGTON: (Effort) Ugh! Me vote labour next time, begorrah.
SEAGOON: Silence O'Brien. Lift! (Effort) Ugh!’[11]
GRAMS:
Three heavy thumps on solid door. Long
series of bars, bolts and locks being removed. Lots of echo with gaps between
each thud as if someone old and infirm is struggling to open the door.
CRUN: Mnk… aaaaaarhm… aarhm… Who left
this door unlocked?
SEAGOON: There – standing in the doorway,
was a bag of dust in a night shirt.[12]
Speak to him, O'Brien.
ELLINGTON: Ah, good evening, sir.
CRUN: No coal tonight, coalman.
ELLINGTON: What????
GRAMS:
Whirring sound. On each turn Crun cries
out; ARGH!
SEAGOON: O'Brien, stop swinging him round
your head!
FX: Body thumps to
floor.
CRUN: Aowiee! What’s the big idea,
buddy? [13]
SEAGOON: Old wrinkled retainer, now
listen – my retinue and I require kippo for the night. I'm willing to pay.
MILLIGAN: (Distant. Long drawn-out scream.) AAAAAAAAAAAEEOOOUGH!
CRUN: Min, I think he wants to go out.
SEAGOON: (Gulps) Who wants to go out?
CRUN: We don't know what it is, but
when it wants to go it screams.
BANNISTER: (Approaching) Ohh ei oooh! Who are these men, Crun?
CRUN: They're men, Min. They're
staying the night.
BANNISTER: Oh! What room are we going to
put them in, Crun?
CRUN: What about the power room? (Extended) Oh, they've gone! (Calls) Where are you sirs?
SEAGOON: (Distant) Upstairs in bed.
CRUN: (Calls) Goodnight!
DR LONGDONGLE: (Suddenly
close) Good evening, Crun. We have fresh visitors, then? [14]
CRUN: (Dread) Ohh, er arghh! Dr. Longdongle!
ORCHESTRA:
Sudden chord. Hold under.
CRUN: You're home early tonight, sir.
DR LONGDONGLE: Yes, Crun. It
watched her dance again tonight. Oh, how she danced! (Self fade) She danced like spots before the eyes... &c (Continue behind)
CRUN: (Close) He's talking about Señorita la Tigernuttas. Every night he
goes to the Café Filthmuck to watch her dance.
DR LONGDONGLE: Yes, Crun. Three
years ago she said, “Dr. Londongle, the day you can give me fifty pairs of
castanets I'll marry you.” Well – I've got forty-eight pairs!
BANNISTER: Oooooo! – naughty man. Then
Doctor Longdongler, you only want two more pairs ehi, buddy?
DR LONGDONGLE: Yes – buddy,
just two. I nearly got them tonight – I just failed. CRUN! – take my
skull-clouting mallet and teeth-catching bucket.
MILLIGAN: (Distant. Long drawn-out scream.) AAAAAAAAAAAAEEOOOUGH!
DR LONGDONGLE: (Suddenly
sentimental) How sweet – the children are awake. It's little green wretch
– he needs changing. Let’s see, now what did I change him for last time? (Manic laughter) Ha-ha ha-haaa!
Bannister – a moment of quiet meditation. Play me a gramophone record.
GRAMS:
Surface hiss; playing arm dropped onto
record; then someone screaming while being chased by a crazed maniac; approach
at high speed; insane laughter behind; then wallop on nut; pop; clang of teeth
in bucket; maniacal laughter; sobbing victim.
DR LONGDONGLE: Ah Crun, they
don't write tunes like that any more.
CRUN: Well, Max Geldray gets pretty
near it you know.
DR LONGDONGLE: Needle nardle
noo! (Self fade) More brown power![15]
MAX GELDRAY - "
ORCHESTRA:
Dramatic horror-link.
HEADSTONE: We present part three – Midnight
in the Castle.
CAST: (Under – snoring
sounds.)
FX:
Last few strokes of midnight.
WILLIUM: You asleep mate?
SEAGOON: Of course we are. You don't
think we make this noise when we're awake, do you? O'Brien, lay out my ‘waking-up’
suit.
WILLIUM: (Fear) Ooh! Oh! There's somethin' under the bed mate.
SEAGOON: Thank heaven for that.
WILLIUM: It's been moving about mate.
SEAGOON: I don't believe it mate.
WILLIUM: Shhhhh. Listen.
ECCLES: (Distant - sings) How would you like to be
under
the bed wid me… [17]
SEAGOON: Come out! – you singer of music.
ECCLES: (Approaching) Hello.
SEAGOON: Before me stood a ragged idiot
dressed in a grass skirt, water wings and a perforated bronze trilby.[18]
FX:
Door opens.
DR LONGDONGLE: Ahh, there you
are! – naughty little Eccles.
ECCLES: Hello Doctor Lingledongler.
DR LONGDONGLE: Naughty lad,
getting out of bed after I'd tucked you in and battered you unconscious for the
night.
ECCLES: Hello.
DR LONGDONGLE: Gentlemen, I’m
the caretaker. My apologies. You won't be disturbed further. (Suddenly enchanted) Ahhhhh…
SEAGOON: What are you
staring at me for?
DR LONGDONGLE: What lovely
teeth you have. False?
SEAGOON: No, perfectly true – they are
lovely teeth. Why?
DR LONGDONGLE: Nothing.
Goodnight!
FX:
Door closes.
SEAGOON: Jolly fellow. What's the time?[19]
Gad - one o'clock. (Self fade) Goodnight
all.
CAST: (Variously) Goodnight! (Snoring, heavy breathing, mouth
noises. Fade out.)
(Short silence.)
CAST: (Gentle snoring.)
FX: Distant church bell.
DR LONGDONGLE: (Furtive) They're fast
asleep. Hand me the skull mallet.
BANNISTER: There.
DR LONGDONGLE: Hold the teeth
bucket in front of his cake-hole, now – (effort)
huh...
GRAMS:
(Fast) Wallop. Pop of pop gun. False teeth shoot out and land in bucket.
WILLIUM: (Screams) Aaaawaawaaaiiioouwgh… mate.
SEAGOON: That was the sound I told you of
earlier, dear listeners. Hurriedly I struck a match and lit a light bulb. There
on the floor was Willium.
WILLIUM: Ohh, me choppers have gone mate.
Someone hit me on the back of my nut and out flew my false teeth mate. Oooh…
SEAGOON: O'Brien, lay out my ‘looking-for-teeth’
suit. Wait! – I've suddenly realised something. Except for Doctor Longdongle,
no one else in this castle has teeth. I'm going to have a word with him.
O'Brien, lay out my ‘having-a-word-with-him’ suit.
FX:
Door opens
SEAGOON: Wait here.
FX:
Door shuts.
GRAMS: Footsteps
hurrying along long echoing corridor.
SEAGOON: (Shouts as he goes into the distance) Doctor Longdongle! Doctor Loctor
Donglonge – Ingle-dongle-dongler-ongler… (Shouting
in the distant) I want to speak to you! Doctor Longdongle! Longdongler!
Doctor Longdongle!
BLUEBOTTLE: Will you stop all that shouting!
I'm trying to have a kip.
SEAGOON: Come here, little nurk.
BLUEBOTTLE: Let go my ear 'ole, you! Let go
or I'll call little Jim.
SEAGOON: Call him then!
BLUEBOTTLE: Jimmm! Little Jim! Little Jim!
Where are you Little Jim? Little Jim! [20]
SEAGOON: Why doesn't he answer?
BLUEBOTTLE: He's in
SEAGOON: Where's Doctor Londongle?
BLUEBOTTLE: I don't know Mister Dongler.
SEAGOON: Speak! – rapscallion.
BLUEBOTTLE: Stop! – you’re pulling my ear 'ole.
‘Ere, now look what you done, you pulled it off. Give it to me – I only
borrowed it for the day.
SEAGOON: Come on hairless little nurk – who
are you?
BLUEBOTTLE: I am a pure hearted-type English
scout on the camping-type holiday.
SEAGOON: Camping? Why are you camping
indoors?
BLUEBOTTLE: It's too parky outside. I’m the
new type indoor scout. (Close) I say,
have you got any pictures of Sabrina?
SEAGOON: You dirty little devil! I'll
tell your Scout Master.
BLUEBOTTLE: He's the one who told us to
collect them.
SEAGOON: The naughty man.[21]
You’d better come with me – I might need you for protection. I'll use you as a
club.
BLUEBOTTLE: No! No! – I'm no good at
protection. I'm a rotten coward I am. Look, here's my junior coward's badge.[22]
MORIARTY: (Distant - screaming) Oooyoo yooeiyooo! Yeiooooo aaaw yeiooror
brown power ooohyeooi…
BLUEBOTTLE: It's David Whitfield.
SEAGOON: (Dry) Gad, he's improved.
MORIARTY: (Distant - screaming) Aaaw yeiooror brown power…
SEAGOON: Gid! Gad! Gude! That voice is
coming from under this floor. I'll just put on my ‘floor-lifting’ suit.
Now lift! (Effort) Ugh…&c (extended)
BLUEBOTTLE: Don't stand there making a noise
– give me a hand, you big fat steaming nit you.
SEAGOON: Ahem. Lift!
BOTH: (Effort) Uuuuurgh…tenor’s friend…
FX:
Heavy block slid across floor and dropped.
MORIARTY: (Toothless) Ohh – saved! Saved! Teeth – give us our teeth!
OMNES: (Toothless - variously) Teeth! Teeth! Give us our teeth! &c
SEAGOON: Is this the Goonist movement? Dear
listeners, from out of an underground dungeon came a crowd of toothless ragged
men in brown paper nightshirts.
GRYTPYPE: (Gummy) Let me explain, short-type man. Forty-eight of us have been
kept prisoner down there after having our false teeth taken.[23]
MORIARTY: (Gummy) But we must have our teeth taken… (chomps)
SEAGOON: Leave it to me. First, let's
drop this flagstone back in place.
FX:
Flagstone falling.
BLUEBOTTLE: (Screams) Aaaayyyyaayy! Look! – my foot. Look what you’ve done to
it. It's shaped like a starting handle.
SEAGOON: Excellent. O'Brien? Lay out my ‘leader-of-toothless-men’
suit. Right, gentlemen follow me – we march to find the missing teeth. One, two…
FX: Marching box.
(Under)
CAST: (sings) On thru the hail,
like
a pack of hungry wolves on the trail,
we
are after you dead or alive,
we
are out to get you, dead or alive…[24]
(Self fade)
ELLINGTON: Folks – while I still got my
choppers, here's my song, begorrah.
BANNISTER: Swing it buddy.
RAY ELLINGTON - "Who's Got The Money"[25]
GREENSLADE: We return you now to part three;
“The Castle of Missing Teeth.”
ORCHESTRA:
Dramatic chords.
FX:
Single pair of castanets playing Spanish rhythm. Fade behind.
DR LONGDONGLE: (Evil) Ha ha ha ha ha ha! – type laughing. Look, aren't
they beautiful, mother dear.
THROAT: Oh lovely, lovely.
DR LONGDONGLE: Another pair
of castanets for Señorita La Tigernutta. That's forty-nine pairs I've got. One
more pair and she's promised to be mine. (So much for the tatty plot.)
FX:
Knock on door.
DR LONGDONGLE: Quick, mother
– hide! Under the carpet.
THROAT: Right.
DR LONGDONGLE: (Calls) Come in.
FX:
Door opens.
BLOODNOK: Ah, good evening. Erm, any
possibility of contacting the police from here?
DR LONGDONGLE: I'm afraid
not.
BLOODNOK: Thank heavens! Safe at last.
DR LONGDONGLE: What brings
you here at this late hour?
BLOODNOK: I'm lost dear fellow, lost – completely
lost. Me and the regiment were marching along you know, when suddenly quite by
accident, me and the regimental funds… took the wrong turning.
DR LONGDONGLE: How rotten for
the regiment. Don't they want you back?
BLOODNOK: Oh yes indeed, yes. Everywhere
you'll see my notices; 'Wanted – Major Bloodnok'.
DR LONGDONGLE: Ahhhhhh…
BLOODNOK: I should say… I say sir… Look
here, why are you staring at me like that?
DR LONGDONGLE: (Ingratiatingly)
Your
teeth… Are they false?
BLOODNOK: Mmm? Oh yes, yes, and what's
more they're of great sentimental value. You see… (tearful) they belonged to my great-grandmother.
DR LONGDONGLE: It must be
wonderful to have a family heirloom.
BLOODNOK: Yes. (Uncomfortable) Mmmmm, ach-mmmm. Do you mind if I take my kilt off?
– it's rather hot in here. (Terror) Ooooahooah!
DR LONGDONGLE: What's up?
BLOODNOK: That lump in the carpet… It
moved!
DR LONGDONGLE: Yes, it's the
only carpet in the world with a moving lump.
BLOODNOK: It must be quite valuable then.
DR LONGDONGLE: It has a great
sentimental value. You see… (tearful)
that lump belongs to my mother.
BLOODNOK: What a lovely heirloom to leave
behind – a large moving lump. People aren't as thoughtful these days, you know.
DR LONGDONGLE: This bucket
you see is also an heirloom. Just bend over it to look at the bottom.
BLOODNOK: I can't see anything to...
FX:
Wallop. Pop. Clang in metal bucket.
BLOODNOK: (gums) Ohh, me choppers!
DR LONGDONGLE: (Gloating) Got 'em! Ha ha ha ha ha.
FX:
Door opens.
SEAGOON: Not so fast, Dr. Longdongler!
OMNES: (Variously) Teeth! We want teeth!
SEAGOON: Where are you hiding these men's
teeth?
DR LONGDONGLE: SILENCE! Don't move, any of you –
or I'll shoot.
SEAGOON: Fool! Put down that tin of
potted shrimps.
DR LONGDONGLE: And starve to
death? Never!
SEAGOON: Longdongler, I'm willing to bargain
with you.
DR LONGDONGLE: What's your
offer?
SEAGOON: These outsize ladies' bloomers
at three and eleven three.
DR LONGDONGLE: Fool! The ones
I'm wearing only cost two and nine three.
SEAGOON: Curse! – I've failed. Very well,
another offer. Give these man back their choppers and we'll see you get a fair
trial, shot dead, strangled and set free.
DR LONGDONGLE: No!
SEAGOON: Why not?
DR LONGDONGLE: You might be lying, and it
sounds risky.
SEAGOON: Then – ying tong iddle I po![26]
DR LONGDONGLE: Never – never, ying tong iddle i
po! No, gentlemen – I'll not be forestalled now. (Gloats) Ha Ha! I'm too near my goal.
FX:
Football whistle.
BLUEBOTTLE: Off side! He's too near his own
goal.
SEAGOON: Shut up!
BLUEBOTTLE: Shut up!
ECCLES: Shut up, Eccles!
SEAGOON: Shut up, Eccles!
BLUEBOTTLE: Shut up, Eccles!
CAST: (Extended) Shut up, etc....
MORIARTY: Help! Help! Who's turned out the
light!? Who's turned the light out!?
DR LONGDONGLE: (Distant) It was me. (Gloating) Ha ha!
SEAGOON: Economical devil. Trying to save
electricity, ehi? O'Brien!
ELLINGTON: Yeah? – begorrah mate.
SEAGOON: (Close) Put on this invisible beard, creep up on the light switch
and while he can't see you, switch it on.[27]
ELLINGTON: Okay – begorrah! (Distant) Okay!
SEAGOON: Huzzah! Right men, open your
eyes – the light's on.
BLOODNOK: Ohhh! And Doctor Longdongler –
he's gone!
SEAGOON: Don't worry. He won't get far in
those cheap woollen bloomers – there's frost about. In any case, the moment he
steps outside this castle the wolves are bound to get him.
BLOODNOK: Why?
SEAGOON: (dry) They're looking for a new goal-keeper.[28]
Men, to catch this Doctor Longdongler won't be easy. He's very clever.
MORIARTY: You mean?...
SEAGOON: We're going to need brains.
ECCLES: (pause) Well, I'll go and make the tea.
GRAMS:
Distant horse and carriage on cobbled
surface.
BLOODNOK: Ohh, great scorched thund bringe!
Look there, down there! Longdongler's escaping.
SEAGOON: Where?
BLOODNOK: There! Stick your head out of
the window.
GRAMS:
Breaking glass.
BLOODNOK: Bandage?
SEAGOON: No thanks.[29]
O'Brien, lay out my leaving-the-castle-suit. Men – after him! (Counts
down) One, two…
FX: Marching
box behind.[30]
CAST: (singing at top speed) On thru the hail,
like
a pack of hungry wolves on the trail,
(Self fade) we are after you,
dead or alive…[31]
ORCHESTRA:
Suspenseful chords.
GREENSLADE: With a small stove, Lord Seagoon
set off in hot pursuit in his horse-drawn motor car. The trail of missing teeth
led them to the village of (Tarzan
jungle-call with chest thumping) OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo, and there, next to a
news-vendor's shop in which this week's copy of the Radio Times is now on sale –
they stopped.
GRAMS:
Horse and cart approaching on cobbled
surface.
CAST: (Approaching) Ooh. Ooie-oo!
SEAGOON: All out now, men. It looks like
he's in this Café Filthmuck.
GRYTPYPE: (Gummy) Yes. I think there's something funny going on inside.
SEAGOON: Why?
GRYTPYPE: I can hear somebody laughing.
SEAGOON: Stop this crazy-type toothless
humour and follow me in, men.
FX:
Door opens.
GRAMS:
Sound of a beer garden. Distant zither
combo.
SEAGOON: Now, we don't want to look
suspicious so put your coats over your heads and crawl nonchalantly across the
floor on your backs, and keep your
FLOWERDEW: (Off) I say, you lot on the floor – hurry up! – we're waiting to
dance. Oh it makes you spit doesn't it.
SEAGOON: I'm sorry, Madame. We are
looking for escaped miniature convicts.
ORCHESTRA:
Roll on drum and cymbal snap.
DR LONGDONGLE: (Distant – like MC.) Mein lieber Damen und Herren…
SEAGOON: Look! – it's Longdongler.
DR LONGDONGLE: …presenting
the cabaret – that queen of reeking Spanish dancers, Señorita Gladys la
Tigernutta, my fiancée, with her fifty steaming castanet dancers.
GRAMS:
Flamenco guitar.
FX: Castanets. Continue under.
SEAGOON: Keep calm, men. Let's see what
happens.
GRYTPYPE: (Gummy) Look, the black's coming off the castanets.
SEAGOON: Yes, they're white underneath.
Could they be what the listeners have known all along?
MORIARTY: It's our teeth!
CAST: (Variously) Teeth! Those
castanets are our teeth! (Self fade) Give
us our teeth back!
FX:
Snapping of dentures.
ORCHESTRA:
Dramatic link.
SEAGOON: And that, folks, is how we found
Longdongler's missing teeth horde. He disappeared from human 'ken, and I often
wonder if he ever continued his teeth activities.
GREENSLADE: (Toothless) You have been listening to The Goon Show.
ORCHESTRA:
End theme.
GREENSLADE: That was The Goon Show – a BBC
recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan and
Valentine Dyall with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra
was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan; announcer, Wallace
Greenslade; the programme was produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA:
Playout.
YTI 