THE HASTINGS
GOON
SHOW: TLO 93838
6TH
SERIES: No 15
BROADCAST:
27 Dec 1955 [1]
Script by Spike Milligan
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Home Service.
GRAMS: Short sharp train whistle.
GREENSLADE: I would like to…
GRAMS: Train pulling out of station. Speed up till infinity.
GREENSLADE: (Over)
Aaaaahhhhh… (Self fade)
SECOMBE: Well, that got rid of him! (Laughs) Mm-hahahaha! In the meantime here is – THEGS! Yes, THEGS!
That's the short way of saying The Highly Esteemed Goon Show. T.H.E.G.S!!!
GRAMS: Gracie Fields singing ‘Isle Of
SELLERS: Gad! How Our Gracie has changed. [2]
MILLIGAN: Oh silence! I tell you all – that Isle of Capri is a sinful
place.
SECOMBE: Shut up Tom!
MILLIGAN: Silence Dick!
SELLERS: (As
Lew) ... you sing so good Jim!
SECOMBE: … Ned! Rest your bonze on this razor
blade and listen to the story of 'The Hastings Flyer – Robbed!’
ORCHESTRA: Timpani roll with terrific crescendo. End on a thin chord.
SECOMBE: Thank you and goodbye. Here to open the tale of the great drama
is poet and tragedian – William J. MacGoonigal.
ORCHESTRA: Scene setting music.
MacGOONIGAL:[3] (Over) Oooooooo –
‘Twas in the month of December
in the year of eighteen
eighty-two,
the railways lines near
were buried under the snoo.
ECCLES: Oooo!
MacGOONIGAL: All thro' the night the blizzard fiend
did like a lion roar,
the snow rose up from inches
three
to inches three foot four.
(self
fade) And ooooh the
snooooo....
GRAMS: Blizzard. Fade behind.
SEAGOON: My name is Neddie
Seagoon, engine driver extraordinary. On the night of the great English
blizzard I was dragged from the warm seat in
LEW: Neddie! Little-tittle Neddie, sit down. Here, have a
chopped liver cigarette.
SEAGOON: No thanks, I always chop my own.
LEW: Good luck. Now listen Schlapper, the lines between the
SEAGOON: But that would be a dangerous task!
LEW: It is! It is!
SEAGOON: I'll do it!
LEW: Good schlapper, good! [5]
Here's a kosher wine gum. Off you go!
SEAGOON: Thanks very much.
FX: Door closes.
SEAGOON: My duty was obvious; clear the line at
GRAMS: Distant traffic.
MORIARTY: Oooyhaah! Pardon me, little low suite type man.
SEAGOON: Aaahi! (Narrative) The
stranger had stepped out of a dark overcoat. Another man stood on his shoulders.
GRYTPYPE: Have you a match?
SEAGOON: Only my own private one.
GRYTPYPE: Don't look so worried. My friend and I here are only MPs.
SEAGOON: If you're politicians, why are you begging in the gutter?
GRYTPYPE: Liberals.[6]
SEAGOON: I understand. Can I help?
MORIARTY: Sapristi gnuckles, yes. Are you walking Euston station way?
SEAGOON: Sapristi gnuckles, yes.
MORIARTY: Could you give us a lift?
SEAGOON: I’ve just had my dinner.
MORIARTY: Then you’re full up!
SEAGOON: Needle nardle noo!
GRYTPYPE: Any room in the boot?
SEAGOON: Sorry – there’s a foot in it.
GRYTPYPE: Curse! We’ll have to run alongside
you.
SEAGOON: I’ll go slow.
GRYTPYPE: Thank you nurk. Have a gorilla.
SEAGOON: No thanks. This street is non-smoker.
GRYTPYPE: I see. Neddie, little Neddie – my heavily-oiled friend here and I
are rather anxious to get to
SEAGOON: You'll never do it. There are no trains.
GRYTPYPE: We know. Perhaps a lift on your snow-plough?
SEAGOON: Out of the question. It's against the rules.
GRYTPYPE: We have money.
SEAGOON: (Keen) Money?
GRYTPYPE: Yes. To prove we're not lying, here's a photograph of a
shilling.
SEAGOON: (Shock) Uuuuurgh!
What wealth!
GRYTPYPE: And there are more photographs where that came from.
SEAGOON: (Close) Aside. Gad,
with that treasure horde I could buy another match. (Aloud) No! I will not be tempted.
GRYTPYPE: Very well. Moriarty, my plan. I'll play the violin.
ORCHESTRA: Violin solo. 'Hearts and Flowers'.[8]
MORIARTY: (Pleading) Oh ho
hohohouh! Neddie – have a heart, lad. We must get to
SEAGOON: Stop! (weeping) You're
breaking my heart. I cannot refuse so simple a request. Be at platform three in
ten minutes or platform ten in three minutes, whichever suits you best. But
remember – (self fade) bring me my
photographs of the money.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic woodwind chords. Fade under.
MacGOONIGAL: Ooooooooooooo!
Thro' the night the blizzard
raged,
it covered
But inside the ticket office
there
the staff were in charge of the
situation.
And
ooooooooo…
GRAMS: Distant blizzard. Continue faintly under.
BANNISTER: (Singing) Bim bom
biddle-doh!
Seventeen,
a hundred and seventeen,
I’m a cool and solid hundred and
seventeen,
yim bum biddle dee boh… &c [9]
CRUN: Minnie, Minnie – would you stop that sinful singing Min,
you!
BANNISTER: You’re a square, buddy. This is the modern-style singing,
buddy.
(Sings) Yim bum biddle dee doh…
CRUN: It’s cornful! It’s cornful! I'm not interested in the modern styles, Min. I'm more
worried why we haven't sold any tickets today.
BANNISTER: I can't understand that Henry.
CRUN: Neither can I, dear. It's the peak of our winter tourist
season too.
BANNISTER: What's the weather like out?
CRUN: I can't see for all this snow coming down.
BANNISTER: I think I'd better lock up for the night, Henry. (Self fade – singing) Seventeen….
CRUN: Yes, yes. Only an idiot would come out on a night like
this.
FX: Knocking on door.
CRUN: Ohhh –
FX: Door opens.
GRAMS: Howling winds.
ECCLES: Helloo. I'm the famous Eccles.
CRUN: Oh.
ECCLES: Well, I’d better be getting along now. Goodnight.
CRUN: Goodnight.
FX: Door closes.
GRAMS: Blizzard sounds fade.
CRUN: What a nice man to come a-visiting on such a night.
BANNISTER: What a nice man to come a-visiting, Henry.
CRUN: Did you see that lovely brown paper suit he was wearing?
BANNISTER: I did, Henry. There's lots of money around these days. It’s
sinful!
CRUN: Yes, yes. Well, off you go to bed Min with your saxophone
and I'll keep the ticket office open a little longer. You never know, there
might be a sudden rush from the continent.
BANNISTER: Alright buddy. (Self
fade) Yim biddim…
GRAMS: Blizzard swells. Hold under.
MacGOONIGAL: Ooooooo!
And thro' the night the
snow-plough train
was racing down the line.
A lonely spectator who saw it
pass
looked up and said...
ECCLES: Fine, fine.
MacGOONIGAL: Ooooooo!
GRAMS: Steam locomotive labouring up incline.
SEAGOON: Gad – race on steel juggernaut! It's a wonder men can live
at this speed.
GRYTPYPE: Can't we go any faster?
SEAGOON: Faster? Ha ha you fool – you mad fool! We're doing eight
miles an hour now.
GRYTPYPE: Come on – be a devil.
SEAGOON: Right. Stoker?
THROAT: Yes?
SEAGOON: Take another twig out of the safe and
hurl it on the furnace.
THROAT: Right.
SEAGOON: And while you’re at it, what's the steam boiler pressure?
THROAT: Ninety eight degrees.
SEAGOON: Right – run my bath.
MORIARTY: Don't be a fool, Neddie! This is no time to take a bath!
It's getting late.[10]
SEAGOON: Nonsense, there’s plenty of time. According to the hairs on
my wrist it's only half past ten.
GRYTPYPE: (incredulous) The
hairs on your wrist say half past ten?
SEAGOON: Yes.
GRYTPYPE: You must be mad.
SEAGOON: Why?
GRYTPYPE: The hairs on my wrist say eleven-thirty.
MORIARTY: I can vouchsafe for that. He set them
right by the hairs on Big Ben this morning.
SEAGOON: Bully for Ben! Still time for a bath and Max Geldray.
MAX GELDRAY – “Love is a Many Splendored Thing” [11]
ORCHESTRA: Return to the Story link.
GRAMS: Train chugging through the driving blizzard.
SEAGOON: As I sat having my bath in the back of the snow-plough, a
foul trick was played.
GRYTPYPE: Hands up, Neddie! Moriarty, tie his hands…
MORIARTY: I will.
GRYTPYPE: … then hide them where he can't find
them.
SEAGOON: What a fiendish move. You naughty men! I'll write to The
Times about this…
FX: Furious pen scratching on paper.
SEAGOON: Dear Sir – I wish to complain about an outbreak of
hand-tying on snow-ploughs whilst taking hip baths.
GRYTPYPE: (furious) Give me
that letter – you'll not send that, lad. Now…
FX: Furious writing.
GRYTPYPE: Dear sir, today I heard the first cuckoo. There – sign
that.
FX: Pen.
SEAGOON: No! You fiendish swine!
GRYTPYPE: Good. Moriarty, post it. That'll put them off the track.
MORIARTY: I'll just tie his hands again.[12]
SEAGOON: (Struggling)
Oooh – aahi!
GRYTPYPE: Good. Now cut the knot off so he can't untie it.
MORIARTY: Right! …put it in your pocket.[13]
Now together…
GRYTPYPE & MORIARTY: One… two…
SEAGOON: Don't throw me out!
MORIARTY & GRYTPYPE: …three!
SEAGOON: (Self fade)
Heeeeeeeelp!!!
GRAMS: Burst of steam. Rattle of railway carriages into distance.
SEAGOON: (Panting)
GRAMS: Blizzard swells.
SEAGOON: I lay gasping on the railway bank. With the knot of my bonds
in Grytpype-Thynne's pocket it looked pretty hopeless for me.
ORCHESTRA: Bass drum playing marching rhythm.
BLOODNOK: (Approaching) Ooo!
I say, have you seen a band go this way?
SEAGOON: No. I'm sorry – I've only just arrived here.
BLOODNOK: Have you? I must find them, you know. They might be playing a
different tune from me by now. Wait a minute… I know you! Aren't you Neddie
Seagoon the singing dwarf, current number one with the Grades? [14]
SEAGOON: If you put it that way, I am. And you – aren't you the
blackguard embezzler, no-good soak and layabout, Denis Bloodnok?
BLOODNOK: If you put it that way – I am.
SEAGOON: Pleased to meet you.
BLOODNOK: And what are you doing here?
SEAGOON: I've just been thrown off a train.
BLOODNOK: Any decent driver would have done the same.
SEAGOON: If my hands weren't tied I'd strike you down with my
mackerel pie and thunder straw.
BLOODNOK: Your hands are tied?
SEAGOON: Yes.
BLOODNOK: Oooh.
SEAGOON: Bloodnok, take your hands off my wallet!
FX: Cash register.
BLOODNOK: (going off) Three
pound ten – four pound…
SEAGOON: Come back with my wallet you… The military fool. He’s gone!
Thank heaven he didn't find my money belt. You devil from Ahmednagar! – taken
all the money I stole from the kiddies' bank.[15]
But time was wasting. I had to warn the approaching Hastings Flyer of the plot
to rob her. So thinking, I stumbled forwards through the blizzard. I made a
pair of snow shoes but the heat of my feet melted them. Suddenly, from a nearby
frozen pool I heard...
GRAMS: Splash. Trudgeon stroke.
ECCLES:(Distant - singing) In the good old summer time,
in the good old summer time…[16]
SEAGOON: I say, you – don't you feel cold in there?
ECCLES: (Distant) Nope. I
got my overcoat on.
(sings) I love melody
divine…
SEAGOON: Listen, you with the concrete vest listen – I've got to get
to Pevensey Bay Station as soon as possible.
GRAMS: Splashes approaching closer. [17]
ECCLES: Oooh. I'm the famous Eccles.
(sings) In the good old summer time…
And
I’m the famous Eccles,
(sings) in the winter time as
well.
SEAGOON: Good luck to you for a start. Hey! That tricycle against
the wall – whose is it?
ECCLES: Mine. It’s a present from an admirer.
SEAGOON: Could you drive me to town on it?
ECCLES: Oh, the tricycle ain't mine. The wall was the present.
SEAGOON: Well, drive me there on that then.
ECCLES: Right. Get on the wall and hold tight.
GRAMS: Cranking noises. Combustion engine. Fire bell. Steam whistles. Rolling
stock wheels going over points. All sped up to maximum. Fade into distance.
GREENSLADE: The sound you are hearing is Neddie and Eccles driving a
wall at speed. We thought you ought to know. Meantime at
FX: Phone rings. Phone off hook.
CRUN: Hello,
GRAMS: High
speed recording of Milligan gibberish.
CRUN: I'm sorry, he's not in.
FX: Phone down. Door opens.
GRAMS: Blizzard up.
FX: Door closes.
GRAMS: Blizzard out.
SEAGOON: (gasping) Mr.
Crun [18]
– has the snow-plough been through here yet?
CRUN: No, no. I’ve had all the doors locked today. [19]
SEAGOON: Thank yuckabakkaka-koos, we're still in time! First, I must
get these bonds untied. Have you got a knot?
CRUN: Yes, yes.
SEAGOON: Quick, glue one onto my bonds then untie them.
GREENSLADE: Listeners, as knot gluing and untying has no audible sound
we suggest you make your own – within reason that is.
GRAMS: Fred the Oyster. [20]
SEAGOON: I knew someone would spoil it. (Thank you Fred the oyster!) But
now my hands were free – now for action.
CRUN: Yes, but what is all this about?
SEAGOON: Shhh, listen! What's that noise?
GRAMS: Train pulling into station. Play slightly faster than normal speed.
SEAGOON: Hear it? It can’t be… It is! It is! Yes, yes, yes!
CRUN: It's the snow-plough come to clear the line. (Fibrillations.) Hurraaayyyy…
SEAGOON: No! The two men on that snow-plough are train robbers. We
must stop them!
CRUN: Don’t you worry! The moment they step through that door I’ll
let them have it with this leather blunderbuss.
FX: Knock on door.
CRUN: Aah! Ooh!
SEAGOON: (Whispered) It's
them. (Aloud) Ahem. Come in, nice
men.
FX: Door opens.
GRAMS: Cannon shot.
FX: Drop huge load of cutlery and metal
oddments.
BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten swines you!!! What are you doing to Bluebottle?
I was walking along collecting numbers like a happy boy train spotter when BLUNGE!
– there was a blinding flash – I reeled backwards clutching my forehead – I
looked down and my knees had gone! You swines you!
SEAGOON: Little cross-eyed hairless pipe-cleaner, were you followed
up the platform by two men?
BLUEBOTTLE: I'm not going to tell you, shooting at me like that.
SEAGOON: Come, come little two-stone Hercules. Now, tell me if you
saw two men and you can have this quarter of dolly mixture.
BLUEBOTTLE: Cor, dolly mixtures! Thinks – with these type sweets I could
influence certain girls at playtime. That Brenda Pugh might be another Rita
Hayworth.[21]
SEAGOON: Then you'll tell me?
BLUEBOTTLE: YES! I saw the two nice men walking up the line towards the
signal box, yes.
SEAGOON: We must stop them at once! But we'll pause first to hear
Ray Ellington.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oooh! Smashing.
RAY ELLINGTON – “I Want You To Be My Baby” [22]
GREENSLADE: Thank you Ray Ellington. I’m sure you mean well. We rejoin
'The Hasting Flyer – Robbed!”
GREENSLADE & BLUEBOTTLE: (Shadowing)
Inside the signal box, west…
(Short pause)
GREENSLADE & BLUEBOTTLE: (Shadowing)
Inside the signal box, west…
GREENSLADE: Will you shut up Bluebottle!
BLUEBOTTLE:
Will you shut up Bluebottle – shut up!
GREENSLADE & BLUEBOTTLE: (Shadowing)
Inside the signal box, west of
GRAMS: Blizzard.
WILLIUM: [23] Hello, hello – the
SEAGOON: (On phone) Listen
mate, put the signals to danger. Stop the
WILLIUM: Oh. Well I'll do that and I’ll…
FX: Blackjack on punching bag.
WILLIUM: (Agony) Owaowah
owwhaooo aahooow, mate!
FX: Jiggling phone connection.
SEAGOON: (On phone) Hello?
Hello? Hello, mate? A-mate? Mate, mate, hello? Hello, hello mate – mate, mate,
mate, mate hello!
FX: Phone down.
GRYTPYPE: All very nicely done, Moriarty mate.
MORIARTY: Ooh hahaha mate.
GRYTPYPE: Now let’s have a look. The bridge to
the right, isn’t it? Good. Now take these sticks of dynamite, place them in the
centre of the span, run the wires back here – when the Hastings Flyer comes
across we press the plunger.
MORIARTY: Hie hou ha ha ha! Aha hei hou hou! Then the money from the
bullion van… Hie hou ha! The moolah!
GRYTPYPE & MORIARTY: (Singing)
April in Paree!
We’ve
found a charlie….[24] (Self fade)
FX: Jiggling phone hook to make
connection.
SEAGOON: (Fade in) Hello,
signal box! Hello, hello! He's hung up mate.
ECCLES: We'd better go and cut him down mate.
SEAGOON: You're right. Eccles, get your wall started.
ECCLES: Right.
BLUEBOTTLE: What about me, Captain? Can't I come in the game?
SEAGOON: Yes – only an idiot would leave you behind.
ECCLES: (Distant) Leave
him behind!
SEAGOON: Silence, the famous Eccles!
ECCLES: Silence, the famous Eccles.
(Extended)
SEAGOON: Now, Bluebottle – take this photograph of a red flag, go
and stand on the bridge near the signal box and if the Hastings Flyer
approaches, stop it at all costs!
BLUEBOTTLE: I will… I will be a hero! My picture will be in the East
Finchley Chronics.[25]
“Boy hero Bluebottle.” [26]
Heioughei! That will make that Muriel Bates run after me, but I will play hard
to get. “I'm sorry Miss Bates. I’m a busy boy hero. I have got certain matters
to attend to. I have to be photographed with Sabrina.” [27]
Yes, he-he! That is what I'll say. Here, (thinks) – that Sabrina’s a fine big…
SEAGOON: Here Bluebottle, stop those naughty thinks
at once! (Thinks, he’s quite right though – that Sabrina is a fine big girl, isn’t
she – yes… )
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes – he he! I think I’d better start wearing long trousers
soon.
BANNISTER: Oooh dear, Mister Secrune, don't leave us alone with these
two train robbers about. We'll all be murdered in our beds I tell you. [28]
SEAGOON: Don't worry, Miss Bannister. Here, take this copy of the
Nursing Mother. If you're attacked, don't hesitate to use it.
BANNISTER: Oooh! Safe at last. Oooooo…
SEAGOON: My dear madam, with your face you'd be safe in
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, forward to the bridge!
ORCHESTRA: Tatty version of the Boys' Brigade March. Segue into dramatic link.
GRAMS: Blizzard – swell and hold under.
WILLIUM: Ow ow ow! You hit me on me head and tied me up, mates. Ooh!
MORIARTY: Shut up mates! Sapristi gnuckles! Grytpype, the hairs on my
wrist say it is midnight o'clock, and there’s no signs of the Hastings Flyer!
GRYTPYPE: Steady, frog-eater, steady. Obviously the blizzard has
delayed the train.
MORIARTY: I can’t wait any longer – my nerves are strained to
breaking point.
ORCHESTRA: Pluck guitar string fortissimo.
MORIARTY: There goes one now! Ouiouiouiooo! I can’t stand the strain
I tell you…
GRYTPYPE: Shut up, will you! Shut up! Open your mouth…
MORIARTY: Ahhh…
GRYTPYPE: Close it.
MORIARTY: Mmmm…
GRAMS: Grenade explosion.
FX: Drop a handful of
ivory dominoes into bucket.
MORIARTY: You swine! You put a grenade in my mouth. All my choppers
have gone! My teeth… (Raves)
GRYTPYPE: Let that be a lesson to you. Now control yourself.
ORCHESTRA: Bass drum playing marching rhythm in distance.
MORIARTY: What’s that?
GRYTPYPE: Great goose hooks! Look, it's a military gentleman walking
up the line, and he’s banging a drum.
MORIARTY: You English are so musical.
GRYTPYPE: Yes, the woods are full of them you know. Now let's sit
quietly and wait for the Hastings Flyer.
GRAMS: Blizzard up. Then under.
BLUEBOTTLE: Captain, captain! Look what I found in the bridge.
SEAGOON: Dynamite! Thank heavens you found it.
BLUEBOTTLE: Thank you, heavens.
SEAGOON: Good. Now put it somewhere for safety.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes. Moves right, puts dreaded dynamite under signal box
for safety. Does not notice dreaded wires leading to plunger in signal cabin.
Thinks – I reckon I'm in for a dreaded deading alright this week.
SEAGOON: Men, our two train robbers are up in that signal box.
Eccles, you go up the line and try to stop the Hastings Flyer. I'll try and put
the signals to danger. Bluebottle, you keep me covered with this photograph of
a gun. Right – let's go in!
FX: Door opens.
SEAGOON: Hands up!
GRYTPYPE: So Neddie, you managed to get your hands free.
SEAGOON: Yes – they never cost me a penny, thanks to National
Health!
GRAMS: Distant train whistle.
MORIARTY: Listen!
GRYTPYPE: What’s that?
MORIARTY: It's the Hastings Flyer with all the
money on board. We’re going to lose it!
SEAGOON: I've got to stop it or it'll bang into the snow plough at
GRYTPYPE: Look, you can quite easily stop it. Just press that little
plunger with the wires leading out of the window.
SEAGOON: Right. (Effort)
Ugh!
GRYTPYPE: (aside) Here goes
the bridge, Moriarty...
GRAMS: Tremendous explosion. Drop a load of off-cuts, bricks and
assorted rubbish onto hard surface.
BLUEBOTTLE: (Distant) You
rotten swine you!
GREENSLADE: Yes, they’re all deaded. But who got the money from the
bullion van in the Hastings Flyer?
BLOODNOK & BASS DRUM:
(Marching rhythm fading into distance.) Ohh! Aah!....
ORCHESTRA: End theme.
GREENSLADE: That was The Goon Show – a BBC recorded programme featuring
Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet
and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike
Milligan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.
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