GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Home Service.
GRAMS:
Short sharp train whistle.
GREENSLADE: I would like to…
GRAMS:
Train pulls out of station. Speed up
till infinity.
SECOMBE: Well, that got rid of him! In
the meantime here is – THEGS! Yes, THEGS! That's the short way of saying The
Highly Esteemed Goon Show. Hahaha! T.H.E.G.S!!!
GRAMS:
Gracie Fields singing ‘Isle Of
MILLIGAN: Gad! How Our Gracie has changed.[2]
SELLERS: Yes. I tell you that Isle of
Capri is a sinful place.
SECOMBE: Don't interrupt, Ned. Ned, don’t
interrupt. Rest your head on this razor blade and listen to the story of 'The Pevensey
Bay Disaster.’
ORCHESTRA:
Timpani roll with terrific crescendo. End
on a thin chord.
SECOMBE: Thank you. Ha-hum. Here to open
the tale of the great disaster is poet and tragedian – William J. MacGoonigal.
ORCHESTRA:
Scene setting music.
MacGOONIGAL:[3] Oooooooo – ‘Twas
in the month of December
in
the year of eighteen eighty-two,
the
railways lines near
were
buried under the snoo.
ECCLES: Oooo!
MacGOONIGAL: All thro' the
night the blizzard fiend
did
like a lion roar,
the
snow rose up from inches three
to
inches three foot four.
(self fade) And ooooh the
snooooo....
GRAMS:
Blizzard.
Fade behind.
SEAGOON: My name is
Neddie Seagoon, engine driver extraordinary. On the night of the great English
blizzard I was dragged from the warm seat in
LEW: Neddie! Little-tittle Neddie,
sit down. Here, have a chopped liver cigarette.
SEAGOON: No thanks, I
always chop my own.
LEW: Good luck. Listen Schlapper,
listen – the lines between the
SEAGOON: I'll do it.
LEW: Good, schlapper! [6]
Here's a kosher wine gum. Off you go.
SEAGOON: Thank you and goodbye.
FX:
Door closes.
SEAGOON: My duty was obvious; free the
line at
GRAMS: Distant
wind howling.
MORIARTY: Pardon me, little low suite type
man.
SEAGOON: (Narrative) The stranger had stepped out of a dark overcoat. Another
man stood at his shoulder.
GRYTPYPE: Have you a match?
SEAGOON: Only my own private one.
GRYTPYPE: Don't look so worried. My friend
and I here are Members of Parliament.
SEAGOON: If you're politicians, why are
you begging in the gutter?
GRYTPYPE: Liberals.[8]
SEAGOON: I understand.
Can I help?
MORIARTY: Yes. Are you walking Euston
station way?
SEAGOON: Yes.
GRYTPYPE: Thank you, little Nurk. Have a
gorilla.
SEAGOON: No thanks. This street is non-smoker.
GRYTPYPE: Neddie, my
heavily-oiled friend here and I are rather anxious to get to
SEAGOON: You'll never do it. There are no
trains.
GRYTPYPE: We know. Perhaps a lift on your
snow-plough?
SEAGOON: Out of the question. It's
against the rules.
GRYTPYPE: We have money.
SEAGOON: (Keen) Money?
GRYTPYPE: Yes. To prove we're not lying,
here's a photograph of a shilling.
SEAGOON: (Shock) Uuuuurgh! What wealth!
GRYTPYPE: Yes. And there are more
photographs where that came from.
SEAGOON: (Aside) Gad, with that treasure horde I could buy another match. (Aloud) No! I will not be tempted.
GRYTPYPE: Very well. Moriarty, plan two.
I'll play the violin.
ORCHESTRA:
Violin solo. 'Hearts and Flowers'.[9]
MORIARTY: (Pleading) Neddie – little Neddie, have a heart, lad. We must get
to
SEAGOON: Stop! You're breaking my heart. I
cannot refuse so simple a request. Be at platform three in ten minutes or
platform ten in three minutes, whichever suits you best. But remember – (self fade) bring me my photographs of
the money.
ORCHESTRA:
Dramatic woodwind chords. Fade under.
MacGOONIGAL: Ooooooooooooo!
Thro'
the night the blizzard raged,
it
covered
But
inside the ticket office there
the
staff were in charge of the situation.
Ooooooooo…
GRAMS:
Distant blizzard. Continue faintly
under.
BANNISTER: (Singing) Bim bom biddle-um biddle dee!
Yim
bom biddle doh.
Yim
biddum ninym ninym niddlyum badowry,
Yim
bum biddle boh…
CRUN: Min, Min! Minnie, Minnie – stop
that sinful singing.
BANNISTER: It’s not sinful – it's the
modern-style singing, buddy.
CRUN: I'm not
interested in the modern styles, Min. I'm more worried why we haven't sold any
tickets today.
BANNISTER: I can't understand it.
CRUN: Neither can I. It's the peak of
our winter tourist season.
BANNISTER: What's the weather like outside?
CRUN: I can't see for all this snow
coming down.
BANNISTER: Oh dear. I think we'd better
lock up for the night, Henry.
CRUN: Yes, yes. Only an idiot would
come out on a night like this.
FX:
Knocking on door.
CRUN: Ohhh –
FX:
Door opens.
GRAMS: Howling
winds.
ECCLES: Hellooooo.
CRUN: Oohhh, ooohh! How do you do sir?
ECCLES: Fine, fine, fine. I'm the famous
Eccles.
CRUN: (Calls) It’s the famous Eccles, Min.
ECCLES: Well, I’d better be getting
along now.
CRUN: Oh. Goodnight.
FX:
Door closes.
GRAMS: Blizzard
sounds fade.
CRUN: What a nice man to come
a-visiting on such a night.
BANNISTER: A lovely man Henry.
CRUN: Did you see that beautiful brown
paper suit he was wearing?
BANNISTER: I did, Henry – I did. There's a
lot of money around these days you know.
CRUN: Yes, yes,
there is. There must be. Well, off you go to bed Min. I think I'll keep the
ticket office open a little longer just in case there's a sudden rush from the
Continent.
BANNISTER: Ok buddy. (Self fade) Yim biddim…
CRUN: (Self fade) You never know…
GRAMS:
Blizzard swells. Hold under.
MacGOONIGAL: Ooooooo!
And
thro' the night the snow-plough train
was
racing down the line.
A
lonely spectator who saw it pass
looked
up and said...
ECCLES: Fine, fine.
GRAMS:
Steam locomotive labouring up incline.
SEAGOON: Gad – race on steel juggernaut!
It's a wonder men can live at this speed.
GRYTPYPE: Can't we go any faster?
SEAGOON: Faster? Ha ha – you mad fool. We're
doing eight miles an hour now.
GRYTPYPE: Come on – be a
devil.
SEAGOON: Right. Stoker?
THROAT: Yes?
SEAGOON: Take another
twig out of the safe and hurl it on the furnace.
THROAT: Right.
SEAGOON: Now, what's the steam boiler
pressure?
THROAT: Ninety eight
degrees.
SEAGOON: Right – run my
bath.
MORIARTY: Don't be a fool! This is no time
to take a bath! It's getting late.[10]
SEAGOON: Nonsense – plenty of time. According
to the hairs on my wrist it's only
GRYTPYPE: (incredulous) The hairs on your wrist say
SEAGOON: Yes.
GRYTPYPE: You must be
mad.
SEAGOON: Why?
GRYTPYPE: The hairs on my wrist say
eleven-thirty.
SEAGOON: Still time for a bath and Max
Geldray!
MAX GELDRAY – “One, Two Button my Shoe” [11]
ORCHESTRA:
Return to the story link.
GRAMS:
Train chugging through the driving
blizzard.
SEAGOON: As I sat having my bath in the
back of the snow-plough, a foul trick was played.
GRYTPYPE: Hands up, Neddie. Drop that
soap! Moriarty, tie his hands then hide them where he can't find them.
SEAGOON: What a fiendish move! You
naughty men – I'll write to The Times about this…
FX:
Furious pen scratching on paper.
SEAGOON: Dear Sir - I wish to complain
about an outbreak of hand-tying on snow-ploughs whilst taking hip baths.
GRYTPYPE: (furious) Give me that letter – you'll not send that. Now then lad…
FX:
Furious writing.
GRYTPYPE: Dear sir, today I heard the
first cuckoo. There – sign that.
FX:
Pen.
SEAGOON: You swine!
GRYTPYPE: Good. Moriarty, post it. That'll
put them off the perfume.
MORIARTY: Yes. I'll just tie his hands
again.[12]
(Effort) Argh – there.
GRYTPYPE: Good. Now cut the knot off so he
can't untie it.
MORIARTY: Right!
SEAGOON: Steady with
those scissors. OOOW!
MORIARTY: Here – put
it in your pocket. Now together – one… two…
SEAGOON: (Hurriedly) No, don't throw me out.
MORIARTY & GRYTPYPE: …three!
SEAGOON: (Self fade) Heeeeeeeelp!!!
GRAMS:
Burst of steam. Rattle of railway
carriages going into distance.
SEAGOON: Ahem. I lay gasping
on the railway bank. With the knot of my bonds in Grytpype-Thynne's pocket it
looked pretty hopeless for me.
ORCHESTRA:
Bass drum playing marching rhythm.
BLOODNOK: (Approaching) Ooo ooh, ooh oh! I say, I say – have you seen a band
go this way?
SEAGOON: No. I'm sorry – I've only just
arrived here.
BLOODNOK: I must find
them! They might be playing a different tune from me by now. Wait a minute… I
know you! Aren't you Neddie Seagoon, the singing dwarf and current number one
with the Grades?[13]
SEAGOON: If you put it that way I am. And
you – aren't you the blackguard embezzler, no-good soak and layabout, Denis
Bloodnok?
BLOODNOK: If you put it that way – I am.
And what are you doing here?
SEAGOON: I've just been thrown off a
train.
BLOODNOK: Any decent driver would have done
the same!
SEAGOON: If my hands weren't tied I'd
strike you down with my mackerel pie and thunder straw.
BLOODNOK: Your hands are tied?
SEAGOON: Yes.
BLOODNOK: Ooo.
SEAGOON: Bloodnok, take your hands off my
wallet!
BLOODNOK & BASS DRUM: (going off – march rhythm as before) Three pound ten - four pound,
four pound ten…
SEAGOON: Come back with my wallet! The
devil, he's gone. Thank heaven he didn't find my money belt.
GRAMS:
Huge whoosh.
BLOODNOK: Aeioughh.
SEAGOON: Take your hands off my money
belt!
BLOODNOK & BASS DRUM: (Quick exit – march rhythm as before) Ten…. Merry Christmas.
SEAGOON: The devil – taken all the money
I stole from the kiddies' bank. But time was wasting. I had to warn the
approaching Hastings Flyer of the plot to derail her. So thinking, I stumbled forwards
through the blizzard. I made a pair of snow shoes but the heat of my feet
melted them. Suddenly, from a nearby frozen pool I heard...
GRAMS:
Splash. Trudgeon stroke.
ECCLES:(Distant
- singing) In
the good old summer time –
in
the good old summer time.
I
love swimming the _____ [14]
SEAGOON: I say, you with the concrete
underpants, don't you feel cold in there?
ECCLES: (Distant) Nope. I got my overcoat on.
SEAGOON: Listen, I've got to get to
Pevensey Bay Station as soon as possible.
GRAMS: Splashes.
[15]
ECCLES: Oo. You’d better get there as
soon as possible. I'm the famous Eccles.
SEAGOON: I don’t wish to know that. HEY!
That tricycle against the wall – whose is it?
ECCLES: Mine – a present from an
admirer.
SEAGOON: Could you drive me to town on
it?
ECCLES: Oh, the tricycle isn't mine. The
wall was the present.
SEAGOON: Well, drive me there on that.
ECCLES: Right – hold tight.
GRAMS:
Cranking noises. Combustion engine. Fire
bell. Steam whistles Rolling stock wheels going over points. All sped up to
maximum. Fade into distance.
GREENSLADE: The sound you are hearing is
Neddie and Eccles driving a wall at speed. We thought you ought to know.
Meantime, at
FX:
Phone rings. Phone off hook.
CRUN: Hello,
GRAMS: High speed recording of Milligan gibberish.
CRUN: I'm sorry, he's not in.
FX:
Phone down. Door opens.
GRAMS:
Blizzard up.
FX: Door closes.
GRAMS:
Blizzard out.
SEAGOON: (gasping) Mr. Crun – has the snow-plough been through yet?
CRUN: No, I’ve had the door locked all
day.[16]
SEAGOON: Thank yuckabakkakas, we're still
in time. First I must get these bonds untied. Have you got a knot?
CRUN: Yes, several.
SEAGOON: Quick, glue one onto my bonds
then untie them.
GREENSLADE: Listeners, as knot-gluing and untying
has no audible sound we suggest you make your own – within reason, that is.
GRAMS:
Fred the Oyster.[17]
SEAGOON: I knew someone
would spoil it. But now my hands were free – now for action.
CRUN: What is all this about, may I
ask?
SEAGOON: Shhh, listen! What's that noise?
GRAMS:
Train pulling into station. Play
slightly faster than normal speed.
SEAGOON: It is! It is!
CRUN: It's the snow-plough come to
clear the line!
SEAGOON: No! The two men on that
snow-plough are train robbers. We must stop them!
CRUN: Don’t you worry, nickey-nickey
noo! The moment they step through that door I shall let them have it with this
leather blunderbuss.
FX:
Knock on door.
CRUN: (Panic) Eryergh!
SEAGOON: (Whispered) It's them. (Aloud)
Ahem. Come in, nice men.
FX:
Door opens.
GRAMS:
Cannon shot.
FX:
Drop huge load of cutlery and metal oddments.
BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten swines you!!! What
are you trying to do to Blunebontle? I was walking along collecting numbers
like a happy boy train spotter when BLUNGE! There was a blinding flash – I
reeled backwards clutching my forehead – I looked down and my knees had gone! You
swines you!
SEAGOON: Little cross-eyed hairless
pipe-cleaner, were you followed up the platform by two men?
BLUEBOTTLE: I'm not going to tell you, shooting
at me like that.
SEAGOON: Come, come now, little two-stone Hercules. Tell me… tell me if
you saw two men and you can have this quarter of dolly mixtures.
BLUEBOTTLE: Cor, dolly
mixtures! Thinks – with those-type sweets I could influence certain girls at
playtime. That Brenda Pugh might be another Rita Hayworth.[18]
SEAGOON: Then you'll tell me?
BLUEBOTTLE: YES! I saw the two nice mens
walking up the line towards the signal box, yes.
SEAGOON: We must stop them! But we'll
pause first to hear Ray Ellington.
RAY ELLINGTON – “I Want You To Be My Baby” [19]
GREENSLADE: Well now, we rejoin 'The Great
Pevensey Bay Disaster’ inside the signal box west of
GRAMS:
Blizzard.
WILLIUM: (Snoring) Zzzzzzz… mate.
FX:
Phone bell rings.
WILLIUM: Oh struth! Cor stone-the-blind-crows-stones,
mate.
FX:
phone bell rings.
WILLIUM: Oow! Ooooow! Oooow! What’s that,
mate?
FX:
Phone rings.
WILLIUM: Oooh! It's the talking telephone
a-ringing, mate.
FX: Phone
rings.
WILLIUM: Oh! There it goes again, mate…
FX: Phone
rings.
WILLIUM: …and again! And unless I'm mistooked,
it's a-going to go…
FX:
Phone rings.
WILLIUM: …again mate.
FX:
Phone off hook.
WILLIUM: Hello, hello –
SEAGOON: (On phone) Listen mate, put the signals to danger. Stop the Hasting
Flyer!
WILLIUM: Oh. Well I'll do that mate…
FX:
Blackjack on punching bag.
WILLIUM: (Agony) Owaowah owwhaooo, mate!
SEAGOON: (On phone) Hello, hello? Hello, hello mate? Hello, hello mate –
mate hello!
FX:
Phone down.
GRYTPYPE: All very nicely done, Moriarty
mate. Now let’s see – there's a bridge to the right? Good. Take these sticks of
dynamite, place them in the centre of the span, run the wires back here, and when
the Hastings Flyer comes across, we just press the plunger.
MORIARTY: Hie hou ha
ha ha! Aha
hei hou hou! Then the money… The bullion van… Hie
hou ha ha ha! Money!
GRYTPYPE & MORIARTY: (Singing) April in Paree!
We’ve
found a charlie….[20] (Self fade)
FX:
Jiggling phone hook to make connection.
SEAGOON: (Fade in) Hello, signal box! Hello, hello signal box! He's hung up.
ECCLES: We'd better go and cut him down.
SEAGOON: You're right. Eccles, get your
wall started.
ECCLES: OK.
BLUEBOTTLE: What about me, Captain? Can't I
come in this game?
SEAGOON: Yes – only an idiot would leave
you behind.
ECCLES: (Distant) Leave him behind!
SEAGOON: Silence, the famous Eccles!
ECCLES: Silence, the famous Eccles.
SEAGOON: Bluebottle – take this
photograph of a red flag, go and stand on the bridge near the signal box and if
the Hastings Flyer approaches, stop it at all costs!
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh good! I will… I will be a
hero! My picture will be in the East Finchley Chronics.[21]
'Boy hero Bluebottles Saves Train from Crashing.'[22]
Heioughei! Here, that will make that Muriel Bates run after me, but I will play
hard to get. “I'm sorry Miss Bates. Shall I tell you that I am a busy boy hero.
I have certain matters to attend to. D’you know that I have to be photographed
with Sabrina.”[23] He-he,
yes! That is what I'll say – yes. Here, (thinks) – that Sabrina’s a nice big…
SEAGOON: Here Bluebottle, stop those thinks!
(Thinks, he’s right though – that Sabrina is a fine lady… )
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes – he he! I’d better start
wearing long trousers soon.
SEAGOON: Thinks… It’s about time I started wearing
them too. Ahem.
BANNISTER: Oooh, Mister Secrune, don't
leave us alone with those two train robbers about. We'll all be murdered in our
long trousers.
SEAGOON: Don't worry, Miss Bannister. Here,
take this copy of the Nursing Mother. If you're attacked don't hesitate to use
it.
BANNISTER: Oooh! Safe at last. Oooooo…
SEAGOON: My dear madam, with your face
you'd be safe in
Come men, we must hurry! The hairs on
my wrist say it's quarter to needle nardle noo.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, forward to the bridge.
ORCHESTRA:
Tatty version of the Boys' Brigade
March. Segue into dramatic link.
GRAMS:
Blizzard – swell and hold under.
WILLIUM: Ow ow ow! You hit me on me head
and tied me up, mates.
MORIARTY: Shut up mates! Sapristi yukkukkukkukkakoo!
Grytpype, the hairs on my wrist say it is midnight o'clock, and there’s no signs
of the Hastings Flyer!
GRYTPYPE: Steady, frog-eater, steady. Obviously
the blizzard has delayed the train.
MORIARTY: Well, I'm not going to wait any
longer – my nerves are strained to breaking point.
ORCHESTRA:
Pluck guitar string fortissimo.
MORIARTY: There goes one now! I tell you
Grytpype, I can’t stand the strain…
GRYTPYPE: Shut up, will you! Shut up! Open
your mouth…
MORIARTY: Ahhh…
GRYTPYPE: Close it.
MORIARTY: Mmmm…
GRAMS:
Grenade explosion.
FX: Drop a handful of ivory dominoes into
bucket.
MORIARTY: You swine! My teeth! You put a
grenade in my mouth… All my choppers have gone! My teeth…
GRYTPYPE: Napoleonic swine! Frog-eating
fiend – now control yourself.
ORCHESTRA:
Bass drum playing marching rhythm in
distance.
BLOODNOK: (Distant) Oh ohohhhao…
GRYTPYPE: Great goose hooks! Look, it's a
military gentleman walking up the line, banging a drum.
MORIARTY: You English are so musical.
GRYTPYPE: Yes, the woods are full of them,
you know. Now let's sit quietly and wait for the Hastings Flyer.
MORIARTY: (Self
fade) But my teeth! I must have my teeth!
GRAMS:
Blizzard up. Then under.
BLUEBOTTLE: Captain, captain! Look what I
found in the bridge.
SEAGOON: Dynamite! Thank heavens you
found it.
BLUEBOTTLE: Thank you, heavens.
SEAGOON: Good. Now put it somewhere for
safety.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, I will. Moves right, puts
dreaded dynamite under signal box for safety. Does not notice dreaded wires
leading to plunger in signal cabin. Thinks – I'm in for the dreaded deading
alright this week alright.
SEAGOON: Men, our two train robbers are
up in that signal cabin. Eccles, you go up the line and try to stop the
Hastings Flyer. I'll try and put the signals to danger.
ECCLES: O.K.
SEAGOON: Bluebottle, you keep me covered
with this photograph of a gun. Right – let's go in!
FX:
Door opens.
SEAGOON: Hands up!
GRYTPYPE: So Neddie, you managed to get
your hands free.
SEAGOON: Yes – they never cost me a
penny, thanks to the National Health! [24]
GRAMS:
Distant train whistle.
MORIARTY: Listen! It's the Hastings Flyer with
all the money on board. Oh, we’ve been foiled!
SEAGOON: Yes! I've got
to stop it or it'll crash into the snow plough at
GRYTPYPE: Oh, er – look, you can easily
stop it. Just press this little plunger with the wires leading out the window.
SEAGOON: Right. (Effort) Ugh!
GRYTPYPE: (aside) There goes the bridge, Moriarty...
GRAMS:
Tremendous explosion.
FX: Drop a
load of off-cuts, bricks and assorted rubbish onto hard surface.
BLUEBOTTLE: (Distant) You rotten swine you! You’ve deaded Bottle again.
GREENSLADE: Yes, they were all deaded. But
who got the money in the bullion van from the Hastings Flyer?
BLOODNOK & BASS DRUM:
(Marching rhythm fading into distance.) Ohh! I’m in....
ORCHESTRA:
End theme.
GREENSLADE: That was The Goon Show – a BBC
recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan
with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by
Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer: Wallace Greenslade. The
programme produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA:
Playout.
YTI
[1] At 1.15pm on Sunday 20th
November 1955, the driver of the Britannia Pacific 70026 ‘Polar Star’, hauling
ten coaches from Treherbert, South Wales to Paddington, failed to notice a low
speed crossover signal just west of Didcot on the line to
[2] ‘Our
Gracie’ refers to Gracie Fields (1898-1979), British actress, singer and
comedienne, born Grace Stansfield above a fish and chip shop in a back laneway
of Rochdale, Lancashire. An unashamed ‘northerner’, her talent, good humour,
ability to self parody and natural audience rapport made her one of
[3] Sellers. William Topaz McGonagall
(1825-1902) was a Scottish poet of such appalling talent that ‘he backed unwittingly into genius.’
Milligan developed a great fondness for his verses, often imitating his weak
vocabulary, inappropriate imagery and clumsy rhythms with Goonish verses of his
own.
[4]
Therefore Milligan was setting
this episode prior to 1st January 1948, when the railways were
nationalised by the labour government of Clement Atlee.
[5] Pevensey, in East Sussex on the
southern coast of
[6] Milligan often puts these quasi
Yiddish-isms into the mouth of his London Jews. The closest word to what Lew (a
parody on Lew Grade) says is ‘schlepper’
which means a ‘sponger, panhandler, hanger-on or free-loader.’
[7] Milligan gives him a raspberry at
this point. Secombe giggles and says: “What
about the working class?” repeats his lead line, and continues.
[8] After laying the foundations of the
modern welfare state in the early 20th century, the Liberal party
under Lloyd George and Asquith had torn itself to shreds prior to WWII due to
factional disputes and ill-made alliances. In the 1935 general election the
party was reduced to just 21 MPs. By the end of the war, there was cautious
optimism in Liberal circles that the nation’s mood for reconstruction would
serve them well, however it was Labour that benefited the most from the radical
zeal of the electorate. The party’s leadership was wiped out in the following
election and the urban representation disappeared. When in 1950 the party was
able to secure only nine seats, reduced by 1957 to just five, the outlook did
indeed look bleak.
[9] Originally appearing in a work by
the Hungarian composer Alphons Czibulka (1842-1894), the theme was adapted and
arranged by the American composer Theodore Moses-Tobani in 1899 as a violin
solo. It was traditionally used as background music in silent films at moments
of cloying sweetness.
[10] Another Milliganism. Bathing in a
moving vehicle was a tantalising piece of nonsense that appealed to Milligan.
Many great Goon Show scenes involve baths moving at speed - eg: “Moriarty, start the ladder and balance that
bath on top.” (Christmas Carole - 1/10th), “There at the other end of the lifeboat was a – gas stove!”… (Knocking
on metal door) MORIARTY: “Just a
moment please. I’m in ze bath!” (The Batter-Pudding Hurler of Bexhill On
Sea – 3/5th), “Bicycling
rapidly to Victoria Coach Station, Seagoon hired a self-drive charabanc with anti-spy hook and forced-jet salami gun…
SEAGOON: Driver!? BLOODNOK: (Off) What do you want? I’m in the bath.” (The Tuscan Salami
Scandal – 23/6th).
[11] A jazz
standard famously often associated with Billie Holliday. No two references can
agree on the writers, but the names include Charles Tobias, Johnny Burke, Paul
Rusincky while the music was composed by Arthur Johnston. The
number first appeared in the film “Pennies
From Heaven” (1936) starring Bing Crosby, Madge Evans and Louis Armstrong, and
was subsequently recorded by many of the greatest artists of the time,
including an early 1937 version by Henry
Hall conducting the BBC Dance Orchestra. Many listings of the number refer to
it as “One, two, buckle my Shoe,” but
the original verb is “button” refering
to the buttons on the outside edge of spats which were commonly worn by snappy
male dressers during the jazz era.
[12] A self-reflexive joke. I believe
Milligan was making fun of his own script. He had Seagoon write to the Times
complaining about an outbreak of hand tying, whilst his hands were tied. Spike
loved testing the intelligence of his audiences and the patience of his audiences.
[13] Secombe was a popular act with Lew
Grade. Expanding his theatrical enterprises in 1954 to television, Grade’s consortium
of backers had formed Associated TeleVision the previous year, of which Grade
was deputy managing director under Val Parnell.
Secombe often appeared on Grade’s circuits, both theatrical and
broadcasting.
[14] Eccles is singing a version of the
Tin Pan Alley song ‘In the Good Old
Summer Time’ written by Evans and Shields and first published in 1902. The
final line is Eccles’ own composition and ends indecipherably.
[15] This is conjecture. As Milligan
speaks, an off-mic sound effect occurs almost simultaneously.
[16] Another Milliganism was the concept
of vehicles (in this case trains) running through houses. An example of
‘transference of utility’ it seems to have been based on the concept of
habitations; a town is where you live; a train runs through the town; a house
is where you live; therefore a train can run through your house. The
most notable examples in the Goon canon are the trains in “Yehti” (24/5th);
SEAGOON: Mr. Crun, a train just ran through your cellar.
CRUN: A train? My
goodness, what time is it?
SEAGOON: Twelve fifty-six.
CRUN: Ooh quick!
Open that door!
FX: Door Opens.
GRAMS: Train Whistle. Fast train passes.
CRUN: The mails
must go through!
and shipping in “The Africa
Ship Canal” (22/7th)
BLOODNOK: What! Well
if you think I'm going to run downstairs and open the door
every time a ship wants to come through,
you're barmy.
An extension of this utility
is the aeroplane that fails to get airborne due to its obedience of city
traffic rules. This is found in “Wings
Over Dagenham” (15/7th).
[17] ‘Fred the Oyster’ was a grams insert
that was concocted for ‘The Sinking of
[18] Rita Hayworth (1918-1987), dancer,
actress and model, was the pin-up girl for servicemen in WWII and a beauty icon
for women. Considered the quintessential sex goddess of her age, she made 61
films, endured five abusive marriages and never won an academy award.
[19] Written by the astonishingly
talented American jazz lyricist and vocalist Jon Hendricks (1921 - ), the song
was picked up first in 1952 by Louis Jordan, then covered in 1955 by the
diamond-in-the-rough voice of Lillian Briggs who scored a #18 on the Billboard
charts with her version. Hendricks went on to form the vocal group ‘Lambert,
Hendricks and Ross’, releasing a library of legendary recordings built on their
extraordinary vocal discipline and jazz improvisational techniques. Hendricks
went on to become known as ‘the James Joyce of lyricists’ and became the first
American jazz artist to teach at the Sorbonne in
[20] Originating from the 1932 Broadway musical ‘Walk a Little Faster’, by Duke and Harburg, Grytpype and Moriarty were getting into the habit of singing it in moments of triumph, often – as in this case, altering the second line.
[21]
[22] This subject often appeared in ‘Boys Own Annuals’ from the early part of
the century – a young lad stopping a country train from certain disaster,
usually unaided or with a faithful hound, and was a common story on both sides
of the Atlantic. As late as the 1950’s, Rin-Tin-Tin was involved in a similar
plot on his newly recreated TV show.
[23] The sixth series became ‘Sabrina
Country’ as the happily married Spike Milligan quietly steamed with forbidden
passion for this talented young miss (born 1936 and originally named Norma
Sykes), from Stockport, Cheshire. Known
for nothing else except her looks, figure and Miltonesque name given to her by
Arthur Askey, whose dumb blonde sidekick she played in the 1955 ITV series ‘Before Your Very Eyes’, she is referred
to in episodes 9, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 19, 20, 21, 23 and 24 of the
sixth series. By the next series, Spike had gone through some sort of sexual
withdrawal, as she was mentioned only twice.
[24] The greatest legacy of the war for
all Britons was the creation of the National Health Service, established by the
Labour Government to provide the first system of medical care, free at point of
need, there had been in any
Western
democracy. When the NHS opened for business that July morning in 1948, there
was a flood of people to surgeries, hospitals and chemists. Within 15 months
5.25 million pairs of free spectacles had been distributed, 187 million free
prescriptions had been dispensed, and 8.5 million people had received free
dental treatment. Most effected were working class women, children and the elderly
who had never qualified for the previous system of health insurance. Remarks
like this one, were commonly heard in