THE LAST TRAM
(from Clapham)
GOON SHOW TLO 67320
5TH SERIES: NO 9
1ST BROADCAST: 23 Nov 1954
Script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Home Service
CAST: Hysterical laughter. (Continue under.)
SEAGOON: (Laughing) Did you hear that? The BBC Home Service!
GREENSLADE: Oh well, we present the happy-go-lucky, crazy, zany, wacky - Goon
Show!
(Silence)
ORCHESTRA: Solemn introduction.
SEAGOON: Ladies and gentlepong, that great and moving music leads us automatically to tram cars. On April the 5th 1952 London's last tram rolled in to the depot. Here to celebrate that occasion is a special radio documentary entitled - The Last Tram!
ORCHESTRA: Grand introduction.
GRAMS: TRAM MOVING, BELL RINGING, CHEERS (continue under.)
SELLERS: And as I stand here on the great pavement there goes the last tram.
ORCHESTRA: Tatty chord.
SEAGOON: That was the last tram. Those taking part were the Mayor of Westminster and the counsellors, and Alan Eagle led the Chelsea pensioners. Also taking part were the last tram driver Norris Lurker and the conductress Madge Thumbed, Leader Paul Beard. Produced by Melly Ball Shoeshine, script by William Shakespeare, edited by Jimmy Grafton, additional dialogue by Geraldo, the hotel bill was by Gilbert Harding.
GRAMS: (Pre-recording) OMNES: Applause and cheers.
ORCHESTRA: Big Band version of “Beyond the Blue Horizon”.
OMNES: Applause and cheers.
ORCHESTRA: Big Band version of “Beyond the Blue Horizon”.
OMNES: Applause and cheers.
ORCHESTRA: Big Band version of “Beyond the Blue Horizon”. Fade out towards end.
GRAMS: Cinema organ version of ‘Beyond the Blue Horizon”- vary the speed wildly, and fade.
GREENSLADE: We appear to have a little time in hand before the next programme, so here once again is the name of the last tram driver. It is Norris Lurker. In case any of you want to write it down it is spelt; N O R R I S L U R K E R. The last tram was a fifty-three A; (spells) F – I – F – T – Y T – H – R – E – E, A - Y – E.
SELLERS: Listeners, this man is a fool. The last tram was not a fifty-three A – the last tram was yet to come. The drama of its revelation started with an ordinary forty-nine and sixpenny phone call.
GRAMS: (IN SEQUENCE) PRESSURE COOKER CORK BURSTING, RISING WHISTLE, SPLASH, HONOLULU MUSIC, TRAIN STEAMING IN, WOODEN BOX FALLING TO BITS, GERMANS SALUTING THEIR FUHRER, EXPLOSION, PIG NOISES, CORK POPS
SEAGOON: Answer that phone
THROAT: Right
FX: PHONE PIECE LIFTED
THROAT: Hello? It's for you, sir
SEAGOON: Thank you Miss Throat. Hello? London Passenger Transport board, Transport House, Redundant Tram Department, Inspector Ned Seagoon speaking, laughs to himself, what!? Nonsense! Good-bye!
FX: PHONE PIECE SLAMMED DOWN
SEAGOON: (calling) Mr. Clench!
FX: FOOT STEPS RUNNING FROM AFAR TOWARDS MICROPHONE
CLENCH: (grovelling) Did you so much as call me, sir?
SEAGOON: Yes, will you take your tongue off my boot. Now, some fool just phoned up
and said there is still a tram at large on the Highgate-Kingsway route
CLENCH: Oh, but that is impossible, sir. All trams have been melted down and made into melted down trams
SEAGOON: Every one?
CLENCH: All except the one you're living in, sir
SEAGOON: Wait! Wait, look! That tram map on the wall! There's still one flag-pin in it
CLENCH: Good Heavens! I had never noticed it before, sir
SEAGOON: What does it mean?
CLENCH: It means, that, that there is a tram still running. According to the flag it's a number 33
SEAGOON: When did he leave the depot?
CLENCH: 1952
SEAGOON: He's running late! He's running terribly late
CLENCH: Yes
SEAGOON: I'd better check on this. Is my official car ready?
CLENCH: Yes, he's finished your shopping, sir. He'll be with you in just one moment now
SEAGOON: Splendid. Ere the night is out I'll have this number 33 in the sheds and quietly melted down. We don't want scandal, you know.
FX: DOOR OPENS
ELLINGTON: Er, your car is ready, sir
SEAGOON: Thank you Gladys. Now come along, drive along the old 33 route and hurry, man.
ELLINGTON: Right, hold tight
FX: COCONUT SHELLS, VERY SLOW PACE
ELLINGTON: (over FX) Er, giddup there
SEAGOON: She's running well tonight
ELLINGTON: Yeah, considering we have a load of ashes on board
SEAGOON: Yes
ELLINGTON: Giddup there
SEAGOON: (panicking) Take it easy you mad fool! Do you want to kill us both?
ELLINGTON: No, only you
SEAGOON: Good, stop here Gladys. I want to go down the Kingsway subway, now you meet me the other side, I'll go on foot - in fact, I'll go
on both feet
SELLERS: The old Kingsway tram tunnel - inside it was pitch black and dark as well. To make it worse, there were no lights on. Luckily the tunnel was only 20 yards wide so Ned Seagoon was able to stretch out his arms and feel his way along both sides.
GRAMS: DRIPPING WATER, ECHOED AS IN A TUNNEL
SEAGOON: (over) Yes, it was very dark. Luckily I had remembered a 200 foot candle I had in my trouser pocket. Putting in a fresh battery I lit it, and there in the candlelight gleaming in the darkness was the hulk of a long forgotten tram. On the side I could see the number - 33. Carefully I climbed aboard the rusty platform
CRUN: You can't get on here, it's not a request stop
SEAGOON: Good Heavens! Good Heavens, it's driver Henry Crun!
CRUN: Yes, yes
SEAGOON: It was you who phoned. Now look here, Crun, this tram should have been on the scrap heap 2 and a half years ago
CRUN: My 33 on the scrap heap!? Never, never! Tiddle-poo! Never, not until you afford us our just dues, and this is the last tram ceremony I'm talking about and a marble clock presentation
SEAGOON: It's impossible, driver Crun. Now look here, the last tram ceremony's over and done with and Norris Lurker has been presented with a marble clock. Now come on let's sneak old 33 quietly back to the sheds, ey?
CRUN: No, no
BANNISTER: Henrrrrrry! Who's that down there?
CRUN: A civil servant, Minnie
BANNISTER: Hit him! Hit him!
SEAGOON: Minnie Bannister, come down off the top-deck
BANNISTER: I can't
SEAGOON: Why not?
BANNISTER: I'm smoking. Any way, buddy, who are you?
SEAGOON: I'm from the tram depot
BANNISTER: It's threepence from the tram depot, buddy
SEAGOON: Well I must ask you both to get off this tram
BANNISTER: Ba!
SEAGOON: I command you!
BANNISTER & CRUN: Piddle-Pooh!
CRUN: Abandon my lovely tram in mid-route? Never! I must think of my passenger
SEAGOON: Mr. Crun, you've been down here two and a half years, who would be idiot enough to be passenger all that time?
ECCLES: Dum-de-dum-de-dum. Let me know when we get to my stop and Kingsway, won't you?
SEAGOON: Come along, get off, you
ECCLES: What what? Me off? Do you know who you're talking to?
SEAGOON: Who?
ECCLES: You've heard of the Duke of Norfolk
SEAGOON: Yes
ECCLES: Well I'm - Eccles!
SEAGOON: Eccles?
ECCLES: Yup
SEAGOON: Are you elated to the Duke of Norfolk?
ECCLES: Nope, but I had you worried for a moment (laughs to himself)
SEAGOON: I'm sure you had the Duke worried for a moment, too. Now come along, off you get
ECCLES: But I booked to Kingsway, here's my ticket!
SEAGOON: He's booked to Kingsway, yes. Curse! He's within his rights. Driver Crun, you will have to drive this man to his destination
CRUN: Not unless you promise us the last tram ceremony
BANNISTER: Hit him! Hit him!
CRUN: And the marble clock
SEAGOON: This is mutiny! This is going to lose me my job, you know? It's going to mean a Royal commission and - I'll have to speak to the governors, that's all. Meantime here's driver Max Geldray to play a 34 trolley bus
MAX GELDRAY – “Truckin’”
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK
GREENSLADE: The Last Tram, Part Two. A meeting of the country and town planning society
OMNES: meeting mumbling
GRYTPYPE: Next item, blocks of flats to be built on the sight of the old Kingsway tram subway
MILLIGAN: Bravvvo!
GRYTPYPE: Yes. Of the 10,000 tenders I have given the contract to F Bogg and company
MILLIGAN: Isn't that, er, isn't that your wife's brother?
GRYTPYPE: clears Throat uncomfortably
FX: PISTOL SHOT
MILLIGAN: Ahh!
GRYTPYPE: Any more questions? Good! Now what I want to see -
FX: DOOR OPENED QUICKLY AND VIOLENTLY
SEAGOON: Gentlemen! (catches breath) Stop the meeting!
MILLIGAN: What's going on here? You can't do this!
GRYTPYPE: Do you have to burst in here? If you must burst please do it in a convenient place
SEAGOON: Ying-tong-iddle-I-po!
OMNES: Good!
SEAGOON: My name is Ned Seagoon
GRYTPYPE: Oh yes, the horror comic
SEAGOON: I'm chief of the redundant tram department. I have grave news for you all - you can't build the flats on the old Kingsway subway!
GRYTPYPE: Can't build - but I've already had the dropsy from the - (clears Throat uncomfortably) - um, why not?
SEAGOON: There's a 33 Tram down there
GRYTPYPE: Well, get it out
SEAGOON: I want to, I've got to, but this crew refuse to drive it until they are afforded another last tram ceremony
GRYTPYPE: Another ceremony? Dear, dear
MILLIGAN: (cockney?) If all of these flats, I said, I said, them flats have got to go up because I can't sleep in Hyde Park any longer. They've got to go up
GRYTPYPE: Of course, of course. Seagoon, we'll do this tram but secretly and on the cheap, we don't want any questions asked
SEAGOON: Right
GRYTPYPE: This man does all functions at half price, here's his card
SEAGOON: Let me see. Oh! Major Bloodnok!
ORCHESTRA: BLOODNOK THEME TUNE
BLOODNOK: Ooooh! Aaaah! There, Moriarty! I'll pay pontoons only
MORIARTY: I don't believe! We're playing chess!
BLOODNOK: Oh, I thought the cards were a funny shape
FX: KNOCKING ON DOOR
BLOODNOK: The police!
MORIARTY: Bloodnok, there are other people
BLOODNOK: Not in my life
FX: DOOR OPENS
SEAGOON: Good evening, I'm looking for Major Dennis Bloodnok
BLOODNOK: (gulps) He's upstairs, dangerously ill
SEAGOON: Who are you?
BLOODNOK: I am his identical twin brother Fred
SEAGOON: Pity, I had a paid job for him
BLOODNOK: I'll go upstairs and see if he's better
GRAMS: WHOOSH!
FX: DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS
BLOODNOK: Ooh! Aah! My identical twin brother Fred has just told me you wish to see me. Now to business.
SEAGOON: We want you to do a cut-price Lord Mayor's last tram ceremony. It must be hush-hush or there'll be questions asked and I'll get the sack
BLOODNOK: Sealed lips Bloodnok! Now what's the, er -
SEAGOON: 10 pounds
Major 10 - Moriarty, phone the mansion house
SEAGOON: Remember, it's all very hush-hush, so be there at 8.45 tomorrow night at Kingsway tram subway
BLOODNOK: Right, yes, yes, yes, yes. Good-bye!
SEAGOON: Good-bye
FX: DOOR SHUTS
BLOODNOK: (sings to himself) Moriarty, are you through yet?
MORIARTY: Just a minute. Hello? Hello? Hello? Mansion House?
LEW: (other end of phone) Yes, yes, yes
MORIARTY: Lord Mayor?
LEW: Who else?
MORIARTY: Listen, Gus. We want to borrow the Lord Mayor's robes for tomorrow
LEW: Oooh well, let me have them back straight after, only Sir Winston wants them for a fancy dress ball, you see. Well I've got to go now, someone wants an 'aircut
ORCHESTRA: HARP LINK
MILLIGAN: During that phone conversation how many of you noticed that Seagoon had gone down to the subway again? Hmm? You must watch these points
SEAGOON: Hello, Mr. Crun? We've arranged the last tram ceremony. Tonight at 8.45, in 15 minutes time.
CRUN: Oh, Minnie? Take the beds down
BANNISTER: I can't
CRUN: Why not?
BANNISTER: I've just got in
CRUN: Well stay in bed now you're there, just bring my bed down
BANNISTER: Which one is yours, Henry?
CRUN: The one I'm not in, Min
BANNISTER: Which one is that?
CRUN: The one I'm not in, Min
BANNISTER: But you're not in either bed Henry
CRUN: Aaaah!
SEAGOON: Thank you Michael Dennison and Earlsy Grey. Now come along, drive this tram out of here
CRUN: I can't there's no electricity, they turned it off at the mains
SEAGOON: Good Heavens! I have to account for that tram. I'll have to go and get the electricity laid on. Meanwhile here's old steam-driven Ellington and his lurgi-ridden four.
RAY ELLINGTON – “I Can’t Tell a Waltz from a Tango”
MILLIGAN: Thank you, thank you. While Mr. Ellington was singing that number how many of you noticed that Seagoon had gone to the country and town planners, ey? You must watch it you know
SEAGOON: So the tram is rusted to the rails and can not be moved until the electricity is through
GRYTPYPE: Well, we shall have to build over it, that's all
SEAGOON: No, no. You can't do that, I'd lose my job. I've got to account for all the trams, you know?
GRYTPYPE: I'm sorry, laddy, I'm sorry, my job is to build those flats on Kingsway subway and we must start building or the bricks will start to perish
SEAGOON: But you can't!
GRYTPYPE: Yes. Look, it's up to you to get your tram out of there before the tunnel is sealed up
SEAGOON: What? What? Before the tunnel is sealed up? I must hurry
GRAMS: WHOOSH
MILLIGAN: Meantime, at the London Passenger Transport Board, redundant tram
depot section 3
BLOODNOK: Where's that double-crossing Seagoon? I'll give him last tram ceremony! I'll -
MILLIGAN: (Indian) Pardon me, I am his secretary, sir
BLOODNOK: Where's his doctor?
MILLIGAN: His doctor is in there but -
BLOODNOK: Out of my way
FX: DOOR OPENS
BLOODNOK: Now, Seagoon! I've been at the subway entrance waiting all night for that blasted tram to come out! You're a no-good, low-down, jumped-up, never-come-down naughty man! And I'd call you worse if it wasn't for the fact that you're not here! Aaaah! What's this on his desk? A nice little petty-cash box
FX: DOOR OPENS
JAMPTON: Oh, I'm sorry sir
BLOODNOK: How dare you accuse me of stealing from the petty-cash box!
JAMPTON: I'm the new boy sir, I've just brought the departmental wages
BLOODNOK: (shouting) I'm not interested in the department! - (friendly) Leave them here, lad
JAMPTON: Would you care to just sign here, sir?
BLOODNOK: The greatest of pleasure
FX: SCRATCH OF PEN ON PAPER OVER NAME)
Ned Seagoon. There. How much did you say was here?
JAMPTON: Twenty thousand pounds.
BLOODNOK: Ooooh! I wonder where Seagoon is
SEAGOON: Ned, dear listeners, was struggling to get the electricity to the tram. But I needed assistance
BLUEBOTTLE: I heard you call me, my cap-i-tain. Enter Bluebottle, gives ting on tram conductor's set, pauses for audience's sausages, not a clapper in the house. Thinks, this is a good start.
SEAGOON: Dear little skin and bones Hercules, you came in the nick of time
BLUEBOTTLE: No I did not, I came in the council dust cart. Points to portion of old fish bones still stuck to seat of trousers. Doot-doot-doot- doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-ey! Sharp bones!
SEAGOON: Little dirty pipe-cleaner legs, take these electricity cables down the subway
BLUEBOTTLE: I will do it, my cap-i-tain, I will. Carefully puts horror comic in secret pocket. Picks up electric cable. Farewell my - Tee-Hee! Hee-hee-hee! Cap-i-tain?
SEAGOON: What, lad?
BLUEBOTTLE: Cap-i-tain? You would not turn on he dreaded electricity on while little Bluen-bottle is still holding the wires? You would not do that to your little Bluen-bottle, would you, cap-i-tain?
SEAGOON: I give you my word as a Chinese gentleman
BLUEBOTTLE: I know my little Chine captain would not lie to me. Enters tunnel. Does dignified slow walk as done by Alan Lad in "The Black Knight", but effect is ruined by fish bones still hanging on trousers.
SEAGOON: (Welsh worker) Where's that lad going?
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, hello Mr. Workman!
SEAGOON: What are you doing down here?
BLUEBOTTLE: This is a good game, isn't it? Tee-Hee!
SEAGOON: You can't hang about down here, we're working, we mumbles to himself
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, that is a rude naughty sign. Moves away from rough nasty workman.
SEAGOON: Go on, be off, or I'll bang you with this shovel! I don't know what's going on here, I don't. Jock!
MILLIGAN: (Irish) What's it, my darling boy?
SEAGOON: Connect up the electricity
MILLIGAN: Darling boy, it's not on, it's not through, darling
SEAGOON: Ooh, these flats will need lighting, you know, there should be a couple of thousand volts through, throw the switch any-road
FX: METAL SWITCH TURNED
GRAMS: STRONG ELECTRIC CURRENT RUNNING THROUGH FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION
BLUEBOTTLE: Eaugh! Eaugh! Eaugh! Eaugh! You rotten workmen swine you! You have deaded me with the dreaded electric voltages! Look, my beautiful nut is all singed! Points to badly blackened bonce doot-doot-doot-doot-doot! Thud! Sound of ear 'ole falling off.
SEAGOON: You shouldn't be don here while we're building, now get out before I fetch you one with this shovel
BLUEBOTTLE: I shall tell my teacher, Miss Cringing-Draws about you! I will! You just wait 'til she gives me back my cardboard atomic ray-gun! You will writhe in agony as the radioactive particles enter through your -
FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD
BLUEBOTTLE: Hey!
SEAGOON: You asked for that
FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD
SEAGOON: Oooh!
BLUEBOTTLE: So have you! Hee-hee-hee! I have re-veng-ed the honour of the Bluebottles! Exits left in blackened rags, flattened bonce, loose knees and spare shins in satchel. Victory! Hooray! Exits left on corporation sewage cart - pooh!
SEAGOON: I don't know what's going on down here, I'll tell you that for nothing
GREENSLADE: Pardon me, I'm from the BBC
FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD
GREENSLADE: Oooh!
SEAGOON: That's for the TV programmes you give us!
GREENSLADE: You rotten devil, you! You hit-ted poor little Greenslade Greenslade
with a shovel! Nearly deading me! Points to lump on crust doot-doot-doot
BLUEBOTTLE: Greenslade you swine you! You're pinching my lovely little act! I'll get you at playtime with Terry
GREENSLADE: Tell me dad!
SEAGOON: What's going on here?
GREENSLADE: Oh, sir, the BBC has just heard about the new last tram ceremony and would like to broadcast it
SEAGOON: No, no, you mustn't! It's supposed to be secret!
GREENSLADE: Oh don't worry, no one will hear it, sir, it's on the home-service
SEAGOON: Thank Heaven for that. Yes, well you'll find all the reception committee waiting at the far end of the tunnel. Now I'll go down and get Mr. Crun going
ORCHESTRA: TRAM THEME TUNE
MILLIGAN: Just thought you'd like to hear it again
CRUN: Mmmn! Are you all packed, Minnie?
BANNISTER: Yes, I'm in my box, Henry
CRUN: I'll just put the lid on
SEAGOON: Ah, Mr. Crun!
BANNISTER: Hit him!
FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD
SEAGOON: Oooh! Give me that shovel! Now look here, the electricity's on so start
driving her out. We've only got 5 minutes to get the ceremony over before the builders seal the tunnel
ECCLES: Oh good! Don't forget to put me over at Kingsway because when I get there -
FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD
ECCLES: I've got a lot of things to do there. Ooow!
SEAGOON: Now shut up!
CRUN: Hold tight!
FX: CONDUCTOR'S BELL
GREENSLADE: Stop! Stop! Mr. Seagoon, Mr. Seagoon there's no-one at the end of the subway at all
SEAGOON: No - No last tram reception committee?
GREENSLADE: No, no
BANNISTER: Hit him!
FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD
SEAGOON: Ooh! Look here, committee or no committee I'm driving this tram out. Jump on, Greenslade! On second thoughts, jump on the tram!
GRAMS: TRAM RUNNING
SEAGOON: (over) I'll show them Ned Seagoon's the master
GREENSLADE: You're Seagoon? I Think I should mention that there's a black mariah at the entrance waiting for you
SEAGOON: Why?
GREENSLADE: Absconding with the departmental wages
SEAGOON: Stop the tram! Crun how do you stop the tram?
BANNISTER: Hit him!
FX: METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD TWICE OVER SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER
ORCHESTRA: End theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan. With the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The ORCHESTRA was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Sellers Eton.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.