THE MYSTERY OF THE MARIE CELESTE
 (Solved)
 

GOON SHOW: TLO 67106

5TH SERIES: No 8

RECORDED: 16 Nov 1954

 
By Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes
 
 
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Home Service. Oooh!
GRAMS: giant splash
SEAGOON: Let that be a lesson to him. He was about to refer to the highly esteemed - Goon Show!
ORCHESTRA: Tatty chord
SEAGOON: Listeners, what does that short, brief chord indicate? It indicated that 
Mr. Wally Stott has forgotten the music again. Therefore…
GRAMS: giant splash
SEAGOON: He'll be company for Mr. Greenslade. Now then, Mister reserve 
announcer.
SELLERS: (Jewish businessman) What is it, nut?
SEAGOON: Ah, Mr. Snagge. Tell the British Empire and East Acton what we have 
decided is good for them. Let the joy bells ring!
SELLERS: Muzeltoff. Ladies and gentlemen, we have been and got a lot of geezers 
and schpielers, and oh -
GRAMS: giant splash
SEAGOON: (clears his throat) Ladies and gentlemen, on my own responsibility I 
present, the Mystery of the Marie Celeste - Solved!
ORCHESTRA: SEA FARING THEME
HERN: (American) Unsolved on the nautical annuals of sea mysteries is that of the brigantine Marie Celeste. But more of that later. Let us trace the thread of a rather unique experiment   
MILLIGAN: One spring afternoon in December Ned Seagoon, a handsome young bunger buster, decided to dine out 
SEAGOON: Yes. As I sat in my usual place I opened the Financial Times, and carefully noted the number of chips I had left. I turned to the gossip page and helped myself to some fish. It was then a small notice caught my eye. It said -  
GRYTPYPE: Author of sea-stories will pay five thousand pounds to any person furnishing conclusive proof as to the fate of those who manned the Marie Celeste  
SEAGOON: I read no further
GRYTPYPE: But you don't know my address
SEAGOON: I read on
GRYTPYPE: Apply Captain Grytpype-Thynne, first mate, the buildings, Hackney
GRAMS: WHOOSH 
FX: KNOCKING ON DOOR
GRYTPYPE: Come in
FX: DOOR OPENS
SEAGOON: Captain Grytpype-Thynne? 
GRYTPYPE: Yes, matey? 
SEAGOON: So this was the author of a thousand sea sagas. He was a tall vile man dressed in the uniform of a sea-going sailor. Under his left arm he carried a neatly rolled anchor, while with his right he scanned the horizon with a pair of powerful kippers. 
GRYTPYPE: Ahoy!
SEAGOON: Ahoy!
GRYTPYPE: Ahoy! Pull up a bollard
SEAGOON: Pardon?
GRYTPYPE: That thing there is a bollard
SEAGOON: Oh-ho-ho. Oh, is that what you tie ships to?
GRYTPYPE: Well said. Now, matey, what can I do for you?
SEAGOON: I just read your offer in the paper about the Marie Celeste
GRYTPYPE: Little Matalo! That was inserted in 1910, 44 years ago! 
SEAGOON: My paperman has a big round
GRYTPYPE: Your paperman has a big round what?
SEAGOON: Ahoy! 
GRYTPYPE: Ahoy! Pull up a bollard. Little Bosun, what do you know about the 
Marie Celeste?
SEAGOON: Your offering £5,000 reward for the mystery of it 
GRYTPYPE: Hmm. Do you come here often?
SEAGOON: No
GRYTPYPE: Good. Powder-Monkey, let me tell you about the Marie Celeste. Ahoy!
SEAGOON: Ahoy!
GRYTPYPE: Ahoy! At 3 O'clock on the afternoon of December the fifth 1872 
'twixt the Azores and 'twixt the coast of Portugal the Marie Celeste was sighted    
 SEAGOON: Ahoy!
GRYTPYPE: Ahoy! On board her there was no sign of life, and yet -
SEAGOON: Your offering £5,000 reward?
GRYTPYPE: Have you ever been ship-wrecked?
SEAGOON: No
GRYTPYPE: I'll arrange for it
SEAGOON: Ahoy!
GRYTPYPE: Ahoy! Aboard the Marie Celeste all was ship-shape and Bristol fashion. Food freshly laid, no signs of a strudgle, and yet not a soul aboard her. Any questions?
SEAGOON: Yes. What's a bollard?
GRYTPYPE: Ahoy!
SEAGOON: Thank you
GRYTPYPE: Yes, yes, yes. The crew disappeared without trace. Now, if you can furnish a satisfactory explanation to what happened to them £5,000   
SEAGOON: Right. I'm your man
GRYTPYPE: You silly twisted boy, you
SEAGOON: Give me a month and I'll have the answer by hook or by crook 
ORCHESTRA: SEA FARING THEME
HERN: And now -
GREENSLADE: On the first stage of investigations Ned Seagoon hurried round to the office of a large shipping magnet
FX: KNOCKS ON DOOR
SEAGOON: Come in
FX: KNOCKS ON DOOR
SEAGOON: Come in!
BLOODNOK: It's you who's knocking!
SEAGOON: Oh, then I'll come in
FX: DOOR OPENS
SEAGOON: My name is Ned Seagoon
BLOODNOK: I find no joy
SEAGOON: Are you Leading Admiral Dennis Bloodnok, Chief for the International 
Shipping Line? 
BLOODNOK: I have that privilege
SEAGOON: I never knew there were shipping offices on the serpentine!
BLOODNOK: Oh yes yes yes. I do all my business from here. What's the time?
SEAGOON: Quarter to five
BLOODNOK: Good Heavens!
FX: WOODEN PANEL BEING SLID OPEN, WHISTLE
BLOODNOK: Come in Number 49!
FX: WOODEN PANEL BEING SHUT
BLOODNOK: Well now, what can I do for you?
SEAGOON: Admiral Bloodnok, I wish to know -
BLOODNOK: Just a moment!
FX: WOODEN PANEL BEING SLID OPEN, WHISTLE
BLOODNOK: I won't tell you again, 49!
FX: WOODEN PANEL BEING SHUT
BLOODNOK: Some people think I run these pleasure boats for pleasure! Now lad, 
pull up a bollard
SEAGOON: Admiral, I was told that you had associations with the ill-fated Marie 
Celeste
BLOODNOK: All lies, do you hear me? Lies! I was in Bangalor at the time. I deny 
every word, she's lying I tell you! Lying! And so is Alice Girth and Mary Thula, and all those other women I molested! They're all after  my piggy-bank, do you hear me? Oh! 
SEAGOON: Admiral, please. Marie Celeste was found abandoned at sea
BLOODNOK: Oh, poor girl! How she must have suffered!
SEAGOON: The Marie Celeste is a ship!
BLOODNOK: Of course! Wait a minute! Of course! The Marie Celeste! I'd almost 
forgotten!  
SEAGOON: Right, now, can you tell me anything about her?
BLOODNOK: Of course, I have the record here
SEAGOON: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po
BLOODNOK: Good! Now I'd like to tell you all about the Marie Celeste, but 
unfortunately lad, I'm sworn to secrecy, absolutely mum. Yes, it  would take a lot to make me talk
SEAGOON: £5,000? 
BLOODNOK: That's a lot! The entire documents are at your service
SEAGOON: Thank you. For nights I poured over vital documents. Then, when all 
 seemed lost, Admiral Bloodnok suddenly remembered a vital map reference  
BLOODNOK: Latitude 38 20 North, Longitude 17 15 West. Off you go lad!
SEAGOON: Right, taxi. And now -
ORCHESTRA: SEA FARING THEME
BLOODNOK: I waited for Seagoon's return. And then,  at dawn
FX: DOOR OPENS
SEAGOON: (panting) Admiral, I've just returned from Latitude 38 20 North, 
Longitude 17 15 West
BLOODNOK: You’re soaking wet!
SEAGOON: You didn't tell me it was at sea! 
BLOODNOK: Then it's true, the Marie Celeste was found at sea. Look lad, here
SEAGOON: Yes yes yes yes yes 
BLOODNOK: Dear laddy -
SEAGOON: Yes yes
BLOODNOK: Here's the name of a ship yard, the very one that built her. Now, um, 
why don't you go along and see if they can give you any information 
SEAGOON: Ay ay!
FX: DOOR SHUTS
BLOODNOK:  Ay ay
FX: PHONE BEING DIALLED
BLOODNOK: (singing) Hearing your gladness, my life's desire. Hearing your - Hello? 
Hello? Bloodnok here. listen Mr. Crun, what we've planned for has happened. Yes, Ned Seagoon's the name. Yes I've sent him to you and he's offering 5 - (coughs) - £4,000 reward for any information. All right. Good-bye Mr. Crun.
FX: PHONE PUT DOWN ON HOOK
BLOODNOK: Sea man Geldray? Bring 49 in and  play us a horn-mouth on your pipe-organ in the C of key Chantey
 
MAX GELDRAY 
 
GREENSLADE: The Marie Celeste Mystery Solved, part Two. And now -
ORCHESTRA: SEA FARING THEME PLAYED A BIT FASTER
MILLIGAN: While Max Geldray was playing that old English bollard how many listeners noticed that Ned Seagoon had gone to a certain ship-rights in Deptford Creek? Hm? You must watch these points 
GRAMS: SHIP BUILDING MACHINES
CRUN: (singing) Put him in the barrel until he's sober, put him in the barrel until he's sober, Bannister? 
BANNISTER: hums jazzy tune
CRUN: Bannister? Stop that mad, crazy, modern rhythm type singing 
BANNISTER: Why should I stop my modern, mad, crazy,  rhythm type singing 
buddy?
CRUN: Because we are sea-faring folk. If you must sing, sing a Chantey
BANNISTER: Ooooooh! Crun, a chantey! hums jazzy tune
CRUN: Bannister!?
BANNISTER: Yes?
CRUN: I shall come down there in a minute 
BANNISTER: hums jazzy tune
CRUN: Shut up! (singing) Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the waves, Britain never never never shall be slayed  
BANNISTER: hums jazzy tune
CRUN: (singing) 30 men on a dead man's chest, yo ho hum and a bottle of rum!
SEAGOON: Ahoy there!
CRUN: Ahoy!
SEAGOON: Ahoy! My name is Ned Seagoon
CRUN: Oh, Bannister, it's him, Ned Seagoon
BANNISTER: starts humming jazz
CRUN: tries to overpower Bannister's singing with "Rule Britannia"
SEAGOON: Thank you Anne Zigla and Webster Booth. Is this the shipyard of Crun, Bannister and Crun?
CRUN: Yes
BANNISTER: Yes
CRUN: And yes
SEAGOON: Then this firm built the Marie Celeste
CRUN: Yes I did
SEAGOON: You did? Oh come now, the Marie Celeste was built over a hundred years ago 
CRUN: Oh, then it must be my day off. Ahoy!
SEAGOON: Ahoy! Mr. Crun
CRUN: Ahoy!
SEAGOON: I want you to build and man a second Marie Celeste
CRUN: Mnnnnnnnk
SEAGOON: Don't you see? The idea is to re-sail the ill-fated voyage and reconstruct the mystery
CRUN: Build another Marie Celeste? 
SEAGOON: Yes, I want you to build a replica
CRUN: Oh I'm sorry, I'm a ship-builder, I'm no good at replicas
BANNISTER: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po
CRUN & SEAGOON: Good! 
SEAGOON: Now, how long to build it?
CRUN: Oh well there's a lot of work, you know
BANNISTER: Yes
CRUN: A lot of it, isn't there Min?
BANNISTER: There is, yes 
CRUN: The whole plans will have to be modernised 
BANNISTER: The modern style, buddy
CRUN: Yes, got to have the crazy plans you know. Then there's the wood, very 
difficult to get the wood, you know  
BANNISTER: Yes
CRUN: And the rope, oh the rope
SEAGOON: Yes, yes, yes. Now give me a rough date
CRUN: Deck-timbers, oh that's....canvas to go aloft -
SEAGOON: When will the boat be finished? 
CRUN: Mmmmmm, after dinner
SEAGOON: You'll have the whole ship completed after dinner? 
CRUN: Yes
SEAGOON: What's the delay?
CRUN: The wood, you can't get the wood you know 
SEAGOON: All right, I'll just have to be patient. After dinner then. Ahoy!
CRUN: Ahoy!
SEAGOON: goes off singing
ORCHESTRA: SEA FARING THEME PLAYED A BIT FASTER
HERN: And now -
GREENSLADE: No sooner had Ned Seagoon left the shipyard, then Mr. Crun 
hurriedly spoke to a sea-faring man
CRUN: Commodore! Commodore! It's happened at last!
ECCLES: Oooh! Well, well. So it's happened at last, hey? Well, well, well, well, 
Oooooh! So it's happened at last! Well! It happened at last, hey? Well! It happened you say? It happened  
CRUN: Yes, yes
ECCLES: Ooooh! It happened at last, hey? Ooooh! What's happened?
CRUN: Admiral Bloodnok sent him to us and he's here
ECCLES: Ooooh! Here? You mean he? He is really here? It's him? 
CRUN: Yes. He's here
ECCLES & CRUN: laugh together
ECCLES: Who's here? 
CRUN: Him, Ned Seagoon. You know, the plan we all worked on, the Marie Celeste plan 
ECCLES: Oh that one! 
CRUN: Yes, and there's a reward for four - coughs - £3,000
ECCLES: Oh! Well I'll go and get the original crew
CRUN: Yes it's simple, all we have to do is (fades out)
ORCHESTRA: MYSTIC HARP TUNE
OMNES: crowd noises
ECCLES: Listen, fellows, okay? It's happened fellows, it's happened. And he's offering a reward of two - coughs - £1,000
SELLERS: (Cornish sailor) Did you hear that Secombe Yackamoker? he offering a 
reward of one - coughs- £500
MILLIGAN: What's he say?
SECOMBE: (Chinese) Honourable man is offering reward of five - coughs - £250
SEAGOON: Is he? £250 ey? (Laughs to himself) I'll tell cabin-boy Bluebottle
ORCHESTRA: MYSTIC HARP TUNE
BLUEBOTTLE: Hee-hee-hee. I have just been told-ed there's a reward of seventeen and nine-pence and an extra Bob a week if we live.   
MILLIGAN: Listeners, have you noticed a slight drop in the reward? You must watch these little points! 
ORCHESTRA: SEA FARING THEME PLAYED A BIT FASTER
HERN: And now -
GREENSLADE: Ned Seagoon hurried back to the author who was offering four thousand pounds reward…
SEAGOON: Five thousand!
GREENSLADE: I've got to live as well. Anyway, Ned Seagoon informed Captain 
Grytpype-Thynne of the progress he had made and that he, Ned Seagoon, was preparing to re-sail the ill-fated voyage again 
SEAGOON: Correct, we sail today
GREENSLADE: Now here is a gale warning
SEAGOON: we sail tomorrow. We should reach the exact spot in five days
BLOODNOK: In the mean-time, Ray Ellington, pull up a bollard! Ahoy!
ELLINGTON: Ahoy! 
 
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET - "ABC (With Rhythm and Ease)"
 
ORCHESTRA: SEA FARING THEME PLAYED A BIT FASTER
HERN: And now -
GREENSLADE: The Mystery of the Marie Celeste Solved, part three. Exactly as in 
1872 the Brigantine Marie Celeste the second slid gracefully out of harbour…  
GRAMS: SEAGULLS CONTINUE OVER SPEECH
GREENSLADE: Over the boom, and in to the open sea
GRAMS: SHIP SLIDING IN TO WATER
SEAGOON: Ah, we're on our way, Captain
BLOODNOK: Yes, yes. Put your hand out Seagoon, we turn left here 
SEAGOON: Some time later I took a last glance at land. It gave one a strange  feeling to see the Beachy head lighthouse pass our stern - we were at anchor! But soon we were on  the open sea   
ORCHESTRA: SEA FARING THEME PLAYED A BIT FASTER
SEAGOON: After five days at sea, I was having dinner in the crow's nest when suddenly… 
ECCLES: Ahoy! You up there, Mr, Seagoon
SEAGOON: (in the distance) Yes?
ECCLES: Admiral Bloodnok's compliments. He wants you in his cabin right away
SEAGOON: Right away? 
ECCLES: Yeah, but first I want to tell you something
SEAGOON: Coming! Ahhhhhh (getting nearer)
FX: LARGE HEAVY OBJECT HITTING WOODEN FLOOR 
SEAGOON: Oh dear! that's a nasty fall, that is! 
ECCLES: Are you okay? 
SEAGOON: I think so. Ohh, arr. Now, what did you want to tell me?
ECCLES: I've taken the ladder away  You’re still my friend? Still my friend?
SEAGOON: I don't know about that, Eccles
CRUN: Mr. Seagoon we're nearly there. Then we can re-enact the mystery for you
SEAGOON: Wait a minute! Do you know what happened to the original crew of the 
Marie Celeste?
CRUN: goes off singing to himself
SEAGOON: Mr. Crun! Mr. Crun! Oh, I'll go and ask the Admiral, perhaps he'll explain. Er, excuse me
SELLERS: (Chinese) Yes, most honourable Seagoon Sleagoon
SEAGOON: Where is Admiral Bloodnok's cabin? 
SELLERS: That door there, marked "Ladies only" 
SEAGOON: Thank you
SELLERS: Chip chap chop chip
SEAGOON: Chop chip. I strolled towards the cabin, determined to get to the bottom of the mystery
FX: QUAINT "DING DONG" ON DOORBELL,  DOOR OPENED
ENCHANTRESS: (Seductive woman) Yes?
SEAGOON: Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I though this was the Admiral's cabin
ENCHANTRESS: Just one moment
FX: DOOR SHUTS
BLOODNOK: (clears his throat, other side of door) Come in!
FX: DOOR OPENS
SEAGOON: Admiral Bloodnok, you said you wanted to see me
BLOODNOK: Oh yes, yes, yes, yes. Young Seagoon, yes. You haven't met my sister have you? 
SEAGOON: You told me you were an only child
BLOODNOK: In that case meet my mother
SEAGOON: How do you do?
BLOODNOK: I'll see you later mother dear
ENCHANTRESS: (Woman) Oh Dennis, all right then (laughs to herself)
SEAGOON: But Admiral, you look twenty years older than she does
BLOODNOK: Ah yes, lad, but then I've had a lot of worry, you know. Now, Ned, to SEAGOON: When we arrive at the rendezvous tomorrow a naval vessel will be 
present with the author aboard
BLOODNOK: Author? I don't wish to know any authors!
SEAGOON: He's the man with the money
BLOODNOK: Introduce me at once!
SEAGOON: He will not furnish the money until he receives a satisfactory explanation as to what happened to the crew - 
BLOODNOK: Thud me marling-spikes! I know what happened, this is the true story, on the way -
FX: DOOR OPENED
BLUEBOTTLE: Pardon me, my little hairy Cap-I-Tain. Enter Bluebottle in rough sea man's itchy jersey and with a patch over one eye and a dirty big stocking on my head. HolŽ! Not a sausage.  
SEAGOON: Curse, just as I was about to find the answer. What's going on here, little ragged pants?  
BLUEBOTTLE: We have sighted a British ship of war, HMS Gladys. Points with finger out to sea. Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot. We are getting ready to act the mystery. Stands by cannon to fire salute 
SEAGOON: What is the mystery of the Marie Celeste?
BLUEBOTTLE: Nay nay! There is a seventeen and nine-pence reward and until I 
get it not a word shall pass my lips. Ties himself to mast waits for 15 lashings.  
SEAGOON: Here's your 17 Shillings and nine-pence. Now out with it!
BLUEBOTTLE: Hee-hee-hee. Thank you. Takes out seventeen and nine-penny piece which is no bigger than a tanner. Puts it in rough sea man's purse. Prepares to tell mystery (clears throat). When we were - Hee! Sees Admiral out of corner of eye, good job that I have got square eyes.    
GRAMS: WHOOSH
SEAGOON: I say, little knobbly actor! I say! Where's he gone? 
BLOODNOK: Where's that naughty little powder-monkey gone? it's time to fire the 
salute. Eccles?
ECCLES: Okay. Give me the match. Stand back
GRAMS: EXPLOSION OF CANNON BEING FIRED, SPLASH
BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten swine you! I was hiding in the cannon! And now I'm drowning! Eaugh! Waves arms about as if in panic. Eaugh! Goes down for third time, then remembers 17 and nine-pence in purse. Climbs back on ship to spend same, exit left for NAAFI
SEAGOON: Perhaps someone will tell me what's going on here
BLOODNOK: I'll tell you. We are the original crew of the Marie Celeste
SEAGOON: Good Heavens, ghosts! 
ECCLES: We ain't ghosts
SEAGOON: But you can't be human
ECCLES: Well that's different
BLOODNOK: I'll tell you what happened. When we sailed the original Marie Celeste we made a raft
SEAGOON: Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
BLOODNOK: Please, don't do that! Then we set the table, left everything as it was, 
then we quietly slipped over the side, and thud me gripkins that's really what happened. Isn't that right me-hearties?
OMNES: Ay!
SEAGOON: But why did you do it?
BLOODNOK: Because we knew that one day someone would offer a reward for the 
solution of the mystery, and by thunder it's happened. Hasn't it me hearties? 
OMNES: Ay!
SEAGOON: But why couldn't you have just told me, why come all this way?
BLOODNOK: They would never believe us, lad. How some people can doubt me, me the very soul of honesty. Isn't that right me-hearties? (Silence)
GREENSLADE: HMS Gladys on the port-bow, sir
SEAGOON: Splendid. Ha-Ha. On board is Captain Grytpype-Thynne with the  £5,000  
BLOODNOK: Right, stand by to re-enact the mystery lads
ECCLES: Okay, okay
GRAMS: OVER SPEECH WAVE SOUNDS (OR OARS)
BLOODNOK: (Shouting) Ahoy there HMS Gladys! Captain Grytpype-Thynne? Are you ready with the money? (Normal voice) That's funny! (Shouting) Ahoy there! HMS Gladys!
ECCLES: (Shouting) HMS Gladys? Ahooooooooy! 
SEAGOON: Stand back Eccles, let me try. I used to be in the choir. (High voice) Ahoy there Captain Grytpype-Thynne! (Gulp)
GREENSLADE: (On Wireless) Here is the news. Two days ago a crew under the 
command of Admiral Bloodnok in the Marie Celeste the second boarded a British ship HMS Gladys. On board all was ship-shape, but there was no sign of life. Mr. Seagoon is offering £5,000 for the solution to the mystery of HMS Gladys    
GRAMS: KNOCK ON DOOR
SEAGOON: Come in!
GRAMS: DOOR OPENS
GRYTPYPE: Ahoy there matey! 
SEAGOON: Ahoy!
GRYTPYPE: About the reward money for the solution of the HMS Gladys...
ORCHESTRA: End theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter 
Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray.  The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton. 
ORCHESTRA: Playout.