GOON SHOW: TLO
65972
5TH
SERIES: No 7
RECORDED: 9 Nov
1954
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Home Service
GRAMS: Incoming shell – large
explosion.
SELLERS: And it used to be so popular.
Well, here it is...
SEAGOON: The Goon Show
GRAMS: Enthusiastic Applause, Cheering, Whistling
SEAGOON: Stop! (stops immediately) Ah-ha-ha. Mr. Greenslade? Do your duty, laddy
GREENSLADE: Yes, sir. The story that follows is rather complicated. So to avoid
complications we open with Act III Scene I Part II, the same afternoon, enter a
human being
SEAGOON: My name is Ned Seagoon
GRAMS: Incoming shell – large
explosion.
SEAGOON: Curse. As I was saying, I am a doctor. I used to have a practice in
Headstone: Pardon me, sir. There is a visitor to see you.
SEAGOON: Right, Headstone. Put my lunch back in the dustbin and send him in
HEADSTONE: This way, sir
MORIARTY: Ahhh, my dear Dr. Seagoon. Allow me, my card
SEAGOON: My card
HEADSTONE: My card
MORIARTY: Snap! And now, my friend, to business. My name is Count Moriarty. Have
you ever heard of Lurgi?
SEAGOON: There's no one of that name here
MORIARTY: Sacristi Pompet! Listen to me while I tell you a tale. In 1296 on the
Isle of Ewe
SEAGOON: Where?
MORIARTY: Isle of Ewe
SEAGOON: I love you, too. Shall we dance?
MORIARTY: I don't wish to know that. On the Isle of Ewe the dreaded Lurgi struck. In
six weeks, in cinq weeks mark you, Lurgi had destroyed the entire population.
SEAGOON: What a splendid story
MORIARTY: Oui
SEAGOON: Have you heard the story about the man who didn't marry Rita Hayworth?
MORIARTY: Impossible. As I was saying, Lurgi could easily destroy the entire human
race.
ECCLES: Then I'm okay, fellers
SEAGOON: Count Moriarty, why are you telling me all this?
MORIARTY: Why? Yesterday, Lurgi claimed its first victim in
SEAGOON: Ha-Ha. You jest
MORIARTY: I jest what?
SEAGOON: You just said that Lurgi just claimed its first victim in
MORIARTY: Sacre-bleu, sacre-bleu! How can you joke when Lurgi threatens? Sit down
while I tell you a tale. Last night, my dear Seagoon, I was a passenger on a
bus in
SEAGOON: You reckless continental, you!
MORIARTY: Touche. The bus was passing the Werneth Fire Station, all as normal…
ORCHESTRA: Busy city musical link
CONDUCTOR: Any more fares, please,
MAN 1: What to do with him?
CONDUCTOR: Hold tight, please, I - Eeeeeeeeh
Yakka-Boo, Yakka-Boo, Yakka Boo
MAN 2: Here, loosen his collar
CONDUCTOR: What's the matter with you lot?
Take your hands off me! Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
MAN 1: Stop the bus! Stop it.
CONDUCTOR: Don't you stop this - Eeeeeeeeh
Yakka-Boo, Yakka-Boo
MAN 2: Give him air!
MAN 1: Stand back now!
CONDUCTOR: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo...
MORIARTY: Not a pretty sight!
SEAGOON: Good Heavens! What happened then?
MORIARTY: The unfortunate bus conductor was taken to the Olham Royal Infirmary…
SEAGOON: And then?
MORIARTY: And then...well, listen
ORCHESTRA: Mysterious link.
CONDUCTOR: Doctor, I tell you, I'm all
right, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo - I can't see what you're bothered about at all
ya see - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka-Boo
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes. Now breathe in
(Harry inhales) and breathe out -
SEAGOON: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
DOCTOR: Must you? Now breathe in again
SEAGOON: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
DOCTOR: Please, I must ask you to reeeea
- Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
SEAGOON: Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Yakka-Boo
NURSE: Now what is it, I - Eeeeeeeeh
Yakka-Boo
OMNES: "Eeeeeeeeh
Yakka-Boo"...
MORIARTY: ...And that is my tale Seagoon. In six weeks
GRAMS: Single whoosh.
FX: Dustbin lid down.
MORIARTY: Come out of that dustbin, Seagoon!
SEAGOON: (muffled) I'm watching television!
MORIARTY: Come out!
FX: Dustbin Lid Being Lifted Noisily
SEAGOON: Oh please, please, I...I don't know anything about Lurgi
MORIARTY: Sapristi! I will tell you all about Lurgi
SEAGOON: Then you cure it
MORIARTY: I am not a doctor. No. You must be the one. You, you and you alone, will
go down in history. Think: Louis Pasteur, Madame Curie, Sir Robert Fleming and
now you!
SEAGOON: I agree. But what's Lurgi got to do with me and Pasteur and the other
painters?
MORIARTY: Sacre-Fred. Here, read this article.
FX: Paper Being Rustled
SEAGOON: "Will any doctor with knowledge of Lurgi please communicate with
Dr. Hercules Grytpype-Thynne"!
MORIARTY: Well? What are you waiting for? With his help you will be the man to
save the nation from the dreaded Lurgi.
SEAGOON: Yes, but I...
MORIARTY: A Knighthood, position, riches - Money!
GRAMS: Whoosh And Door Closes
FX: Pick Up Phone, Dials
MORIARTY: (singing) Niem solibadee en
MAX GELDRAY –
“Pink
ORCHESTRA: Harp Music Creating Mystic Effect
FX: Knocking On Door
GRYTPYPE: Come in!
FX: Door Opened
SEAGOON: Dr. Grytpype-Thynne?
GRYTPYPE: The same
SEAGOON: My name is Ned Seagoon
GRAMS: Incoming shell – large
explosion.
GRYTPYPE: Upsa-daisy! Now, what can I do for you?
SEAGOON: I've come to help fight Lurgi. First Louis Pasteur, Madame Curie,
Phillip Harbin and now me!
GRYTPYPE: You silly twisted boy, you. What are your qualifications?
SEAGOON: I was struck off the Rolls twice
GRYTPYPE: You can only be struck off the Rolls once
SEAGOON: That'll give you some idea of my importance.
GRYTPYPE: Then you're our man. The situation is extremely grave. In the last 12
hours 2,000 more victims have been smitten by Lurgi.
SEAGOON: (gulps) We must move fast
GRYTPYPE: What do you suggest?
SEAGOON:
GRYTPYPE: No, no, no. You are the one man who can save
SEAGOON: Yes. First Lewis Carroll, Madame Tussaud, Sir Robert Boothby and now me!
GRYTPYPE: Now, Seagoon, let me tell you a tale. I've arranged for you to meet the
Medical Council. Once there -
SEAGOON: Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes?
GRYTPYPE: Please don't do that
SEAGOON: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po
GRYTPYPE: Good. I'll tell you a tale. At the moment Lurgi is confined to
SEAGOON: One moment, Dr. Grytpype. If you know the cure for Lurgi why don't you
have the Knighthood and the riches?
GRYTPYPE: I can't. You see, I'm married
SEAGOON: Oh, I'm, I'm terribly sorry
GRYTPYPE: Well Seagoon Lad. It must be you.
SEAGOON: Yes I suppose it must.
GRYTPYPE: Mmm
SEAGOON: First Joe Louis then Call Me Madam, Mooney and King and now me
GRYTPYPE: Hmmmm, I wonder what's gone wrong?
MORIARTY: Come Seagoon, off to the Councile Medicale
ORCHESTRA: Link Music
OMNES: (General murmuring.)
LEW: Ladies and Gentlemen! Ladies and
Gentlemen of the British Medical Council! Now then, I've got you out of bed
because I want you to hear about this Lurgi lark, what their all doing their
nuts about in
SEAGOON: Seagoon. Ned Seagoon.
GRAMS: Incoming shell – large
explosion.
LEW: My life, he's always doing that.
Carry on, nut
SEAGOON: Ladies and Gentlemen, before I start are there any further questions?
BANNISTER: What is Lurgi?
FX: Scuffling.
BANNISTER: (Screams – over)
FX: Door slams.
SEAGOON: Any more questions? Now my plan is to set up Yakka-Bool Centres in
BANNISTER: I'm asking a civilian question. What is Lurgi?
CRUN: That's another thing I want to know! What is Lurgi?
BANNISTER: What is Lurgi?
CRUN: Shut up
BANNISTER: Shut up
CRUN: Shut up
BANNISTER: You shut up!
CRUN: What is lurji?
BANNISTER: I've just asked that question, buddy.
CRUN: Why didn't you say so?
BANNISTER: I did say so
CRUN: If you've already asked there's no point in me asking
BANNISTER: Well anyway, what is Lurgi?
CRUN: One question at a time.
BANNISTER: It was only one question Henry
CRUN: But I've already asked that question
BANNISTER: Thank you. Thank you Dr Crun, thank you. Goodnight Dr Bannister.
SEAGOON: Dr Bannister? Gad, he looks different in his singlet.
CRUN: Well, gentlemen, I beg of you, before it's too late I select the Lurgi
victims at Yakka-Bool Centres in
BANNISTER: Wait. Where are we going to get all the money from for this business,
buddy?
FX: Telephone Rings, Picked Up
SEAGOON: Hello?
GRYTPYPE: (on other end) You have arranged a charity concert at the Albert Hall in
aid of the Lurgi Distress Fund
SEAGOON: Yes, yes that's it. I have arranged for a charity concert at the Albert
hall in aid of the Lurgi Distress Fund
BANNISTER: Bravo! Bravo!
GREENSLADE: Part Two. A Charity Concert at the Albert Hall in aid of the Lurgi
Distress Fund. The Overture by the Ray Ellington Quartet
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET - "My Very Good Friend The Milkman
Says"
SEAGOON: Thank you Sir Malcolm Sargent, thank you.
SEAGOON: And next in this concert we have imported by permission of Count
Moriarty and Dr Grytpype-Thynne a great continental tenor Giuseppe Sulfoni.
GRAMS: Enthusiastic Applause, Cheers, Whistles
Sulphoney: Gracias, gracias. For my first number I would like to sing that lovely
melody that we all love so well "I Travel The Road"
ORCHESTRA: Grand And Lengthy Introduction
SULFONI: (sings) I gypsy am I,
a-wandering by,
I travel the road, who cares?[1]
MORIARTY: (over music) I'll give him the signal now
SULFONI: I travel the road,
Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo,
Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo,
Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
SEAGOON: Moriarty, Moriarty, the singer! He's got the Lurgi! Help! Run for your
lives! Lurgiiiii!
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic Link, Followed By Harps Again
FX: Tapping On Metallic Dustbin
GRYTPYPE: For the last time, come out of that dustbin
SEAGOON: (inside bin) Leave me alone, I don't want to touch Lurgi
GRYTPYPE: There is nothing to fear. Neddy, I'll tell you the cure
FX: Dustbin Lid Being Opened
SEAGOON: The cure? Ah-ha. That's it, the cure! The cure, what's the cure?
GRYTPYPE: Now sit down Neddy and let me tell you a tale. I've arranged for you to
force your way into the Houses of Parliament. Once there you must impress upon
them the disastrous cuinsequonces of this dreaded Lurgi.
SEAGOON: But, but, what's the cure?
GRYTPYPE: The, err, cure, is rather unorthodox, but here it is, you will tell
them...
ORCHESTRA: Time passing type harp link
GREENSLADE: Meanwhile and unsuspecting Parliament is debating important affairs of
state.
CAST: coughs
MP 1: Err, who's responsible for the
drains at Hackney? And, may I ask why they have not been taken up in the last
century?
CAST: Here, here
MP 2: They are, they were, taken up
last December
MP 1: Oh!
MP 3: Ah!
SEAGOON: here, here.
MP 1: Isn't it time… they were taken
up… again?
SEAGOON: Well done!
MP 2: Impossible! They've not been put
back again yet.
GREENSLADE: (above arguments) The fierce debate was at its height when past the
speakers chair crept a dustbin, and with dramatic suddenness the lid was flung
off!
FX: Dustbin Lid Being Thrown Off
Dramatically
SEAGOON: Honourable members! I have some important news concerning Lurgi. Lurgi
threatens us all!
MP1: What is...
MP2: Rubbish, get out, he's a Liberal
Politician: ...all...
Politician: He's a Liberal!
Politician: Speak up
SEAGOON: First of all, I must ask you all to lie on the floor
CLEMENT
ATTLEE: Rubbish. I've never heard of such
twaddle. Who are you sir?
SEAGOON: My name is Ned Seagoon
GRAMS: Incoming shell – large
explosion.
CLEMENT
ATTLEE: Is it all right to get up now?
SEAGOON: You may rise sir
CLEMENT
ATTLEE: Aaaargh
SEAGOON: Now, Lurgi threatens us all
BANNISTER: What is Lurgi?
SEAGOON: Lurgi is the most dreadful malady known to mankind
BANNISTER: Oooooh!
SEAGOON: In six weeks it could swamp the whole of the
OMNES: Rubbish!
SEAGOON: Now Gentlemen, Gentlemen,
MP: What?
SEAGOON: At this very moment more and more people are contracting Lurgi
OMNES: shouts of shock,
Politician: A terrible state of affairs!
Politician: Is there any known cure for Lurgi?
SEAGOON: That there is! Let me tell you a tale. By continuous research I
discovered that all victims have one thing in common.
CAST: What is it?
Politician: Out with it man?
SEAGOON: None of them play in a brass band
CAST: Good Heavens Incredible. Amazing
CLEMENT
ATTLEE: One moment, sir. Are you
inferring that by playing a musical instrument one is immune for Lurgi?
SEAGOON: Yes
CLEMENT
ATTLEE: Hmmm. Anthony Give me an
"A", would you?
ORCHESTRA: Each instrument playing different notes, followed by dramatic link ended
with harps
GREENSLADE: Following the massive disclosure in Parliament, Dr. Ned Seagoon had been
put in full charge of the Anti-Lurgi Campaign
MORIARTY: ...You will need to order 4 million E Flat trombones
SEAGOON: That's going to cost something isn't it?
MORIARTY: Cost! Cost! Lives are at stake, man!
SEAGOON: Yes
GRYTPYPE: If you can save
SEAGOON: Your right. First Louis Posture, Madame Pompadour, Sinzeer and Gladys...
GRYTPYPE: Yes, yes. We've heard all that. And now you
SEAGOON: Yes, Ha-Ha.
GRYTPYPE: 3 million Euphoniums, 4 million Sousaphones. Well, here's the list, sign
here, lad
MORIARTY: And send it to Messrs Goosey and Bawkes, the well known instrument
makers.
GREENSLADE: Dear listeners, sit down while I tell you a tale. Within three weeks
Messrs Goosey and Bawkes had received 50 million pounds in brass band orders.
They delivered them in some 30 million musical instruments to Airwick Gatport,
the great airport at Gatwick.
GRAMS: huge plane motor running.
SEAGOON: (over noise) What a sight! A thousand planes packed to the bilges with
the life saving instruments. Well done, Goosey and Bawkes. Now, where is that
Major Bloodnok? It's almost zero hour! Any of you pilots seen Major Bloodnok?
BLUEBOTTLE: I heard you call me, my
Cap-i-tain. I heard you call me. Enter Bluebottle, pauses for audience
applause, not a sausage. Wey! Better Second House.
SEAGOON: Stand away little stringy pants, this is man's work
BLUEBOTTLE: But I have done all my homework,
and I washed my knees - Look! Points to white spot on leg,
doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot
SEAGOON: Stop that dooting, man!
BLUEBOTTLE: Hee-Hee.
SEAGOON: Where's Major Bloodnok?
BLUEBOTTLE: I can play that part better than
he can, him can. I'm in the school play at Christmas. Puts on white beard,
hole!
SEAGOON: Wait a moment, there is a part for you
BLUEBOTTLE: I knew you would not play this
game without little Bluebottle. What do I say, Captain?
SEAGOON: Read this, but don't read it until I tell you.
BLUEBOTTLE: My little Captain is going a long
way off to ee if I can shout to him. Turns away from windows so I will not
shatter them.
SEAGOON: (in distance) Right-O! Read it out now!
BLUEBOTTLE: I heard you! (clears throat)
Reads part: "My name is Ned Seagoon"
GRAMS: Incoming shell – large
explosion.
BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten swine, you. You have
deaded me before we even started the game. And you have singed my Edward Perdom
Egyptian type-shirt. Oiiy! Moves off for new supply of crepe-air.
BLOODNOK: Oh thud me cronker stops and duffel me latches. A civilian on army
property? Who are you, sir?
SEAGOON: I'd rather not say, sir, you see I...
BLOODNOK: Come on out with it! I'm broad-minded! wait a minute your not Ned...
SEAGOON: Shhhhh, please
BLOODNOK: Strange sounding name.
SEAGOON: Major Bloodnok...
BLOODNOK: That's more like a name! Pleased to meet you Major Bloodnok
SEAGOON: I'm not Major Bloodnok, that's your name.
BLOODNOK: Of course it is, yes ahhhhhh
SEAGOON: Major Bloodnok
BLOODNOK: Err, Major Bloodnok
SEAGOON: Yes
BLOODNOK: Yes
SEAGOON: You will be parachuted into
BLOODNOK: Well, we're all ready to depart now. Band, by the left, into the plane,
quick march, chocks away, good luck!
GRAMS: Doors Shut And Planes Take Off
SEAGOON: What a sight! A thousand planes taking off for
ORCHESTRA: dramatic link ended in harps
GREENSLADE: And now here's the news. Today in Parliament questions were asked
regarding the dropping of some 50 million brass band instruments on
GRYTPYPE: Switch it off.
MORIARTY: Yes, we've heard enough of that now. Let me see now, that's £15,000 for
you, 15 million for me, 6 million for me and then for the...
FX: Door opened abruptly
SEAGOON: Ah! There you are!
GRYTPYPE: It's Little Neddy.
SEAGOON: Have you heard the news? They say that there's no such disease as Lurgi
GRYTPYPE: No such disease as Lurgi? And you went to the Houses of Parliament and
told them there was!? Oh dear!
SEAGOON: Eh? You told me to tell them! I mean...
GRYTPYPE: (Moriarty counting money behind) Tooth brush, change of underwear, yes,
got the plane tickets?
SEAGOON: Wait, wait! There is such a thing as Lurgi, isn't there? (laughs
nervously) You told me there was! I mean...
CHAUFFEUR: Oh pardon me, the car's waiting
for Mr. Goosey and Mr. Bawkes to take them to the airport
SEAGOON: Wait! Your the singer from the Albert Hall! You've got Lurgi! Run for
your life! Lurgi! wait a minute, Mr. Goosey and Mr. Bawkes?
GRYTPYPE: Yes, that's our business name. We make brass band instruments, you know.
SEAGOON: You must have made a fortune!
GRYTPYPE: Let me tell you a tale. First Charley Peace, Dr. Crippin, and now
Muggins. Good-bye.
FX: Door Shuts
SEAGOON: Muggins? Who's Muggins? (sobs) Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
ORCHESTRA: Theme Tune
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers,
Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan. With the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max
Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Eric Sykes and
Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter
Eton. Ooooooooh Yakka-Boo
ORCHESTRA: Finish Theme Tune