GOON SHOW: TLO 65467
5TH
SERIES: No 6
RECORDED: 2 Nov 1954
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC
Home Service.
FLOWERDEW: This is madness,
d'you hear me? Madness!
SECOMBE: The man is, of
course, referring to the highly esteemed Goon Show.
GRAMS: 1922 Jack Payne record of one-step.
SECOMBE: Stop. Thank you,
Geraldo. Mr. Greenslade, tell the eager multitudes of the goodies we have in
store for them.
GREENSLADE: Ladies and
Gintlepong. In keeping with the policy of our more 'popular' Sunday newspapers,
we give you now a nice soggy mess of vice, drunkenness and worst of all – the
shame of our cities!
SELLERS: (Winston
Churchill) Mixed fretwork classes.
SECOMBE: Thank you, Geraldo. To commence this night of
debauchery, we present the world's mixed bathing champion of 1931 - the man in
black - Mr. Valentine Dyall.
ORCHESTRA: Gong stroke.
GREENSLADE: Allow me to
correct you, little pigmy man. I am no longer the man in black; I am now the
man in grey!
SECOMBE: What brought
about this change?
GREENSLADE: A very cheap dry
cleaners.
SECOMBE: Very well. Mr.
Dyall, the floor is yours but remember, the roof, is ours.
VALENTINE DYALL: Thank you,
Barbara Kelly. Ladies and Gintlepong, this is the man in black speaking.
VALENTINE DYALL: A funny thing happened
to me on my way to the theatre tonight - a steam roller ran over my head. So
much for humour - and now pray allow me to tell the story of...
MILLIGAN: (Scream)
FX: Deep resonant splash.
GREENSLADE: 'The Canal', ha
ha ha (goes off laughing into echo)
ORCHESTRA: Quiet, sinister horror theme.
SEAGOON: My name is Neddie
Seagoon. I come from mixed parentage - one male, one female, and that's how it
should be. My father was the famous amateur brain surgeon, Lord Valentine
Seagoon.
DYALL: Neddie was one of
my adopted sons by one of my adopted wives. In 1899 I built for my family a
huge mansion.
ECCLES: It was only a
luxury manor - but it was home to me.
FLOWERDEW: (Fey) There's a cow on the roof and I am
a daisy - I must be careful of that cow...
DYALL: Ha ha. My – er – children.
The manor was a grim, black, foreboding place. Hanging in the eaves were
myriads of red-mouthed bats that nightly danced in the dank air that arose from
the oily waters of... the Canal. (Insane
laughter)
ECCLES: Dat's my daddie
who said dat.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.
FX: Horse-drawn hackney walking slowly.
GREENSLADE: The Canal,
Chapter One. Ned Seagoon returns from college.
GRAMS: Hackney cab on gravel.
Continue under.
REUBEN CROUCHER: Oooooh, my life,
if it isn't 'arf parky up on this drivin' seat - ooh I should never have come
out naked.
SEAGOON: I say, driver -
have I far to go now?
REUBEN CROUCHER: Eh? Let's have a
look - mm noo, I shouldn't think you got far to go.
GRAMS: Hackney stops.
SEAGOON: I say. Why have
we stopped?
REUBEN CROUCHER: It's no good,
mister - I can't see a thing in this fog.
SEAGOON: Never mind, I'll
make it on foot - I brought one with me. Now, what's the fare?
REUBEN CROUCHER: See - it's Friday
today, in'it?
SEAGOON: 'Tis so.
REUBEN CROUCHER: (to self) See,
there's the rent - school fees - instalment on the bread knife - yers, that'll
be thirty-two pounds ten, mister.
SEAGOON: Villain of
villains! The meter only says five shfflings.
REUBEN CROUCHER: That meter ain't
got a wife and ten kids ter keep.
SEAGOON: There, five
shillings, no more. On second thoughts, here'~ a penny tip. The spirit of
charity is not dead.
REUBEN CROUCHER: No, but it in't
'arf sick, mister.
SEAGOON: You jester.
Farewell. Now, see - ahh yes, this is the way (going off) past the old blasted
oak and - LX. RESONANT SPLASH OF STILL DEEP WATERS.
SEAGOON: (off) Help!
REUBEN CROUCHER: Where are you,
mister?
SEAGOON: (off) In the
canal.
REUBEN CROUCHER: Here, catch.
FX: Splash.
REUBEN CROUCHER: You forgot yer
bag, ha ha ha -
ORCHESTRA: Mocking theme. fade into:-
FX: Three knocks on heavy wooden door.
BLOODNOK: Coming -
coming...
FX: Door opens.
BLOODNOK: Oh Neddie, it's
you - in quick, before the Arabs open fire. Aeiough.
FX: DOOR SLAMS.
SEAGOON: Uncle Bloodnok? I
thought you were in the desert.
BLOODNOK: I am.
SEAGOON: I'm sorry I'm in
such a mess - I fell in the canal and I'm covered in muck, mud, grease,
rubbish, tar, oil and sludge.
BLOODNOK: You know, it
suits you. But how did you get past those turbanned devils of brown, the Arabs?
SEAGOON: Arabs? What are
Arabs doing in
BLOODNOK: I can only put it
down to the fog. If only Lord Kitchener would bring reinforcements. Aeiough
SEAGOON: (aside) Mmm.
Uncle Bloodnok seems to'have changed.
BLOODNOK: Didn't you see
them hiding behind the sand dunes?
SEAGOON: Sand dunes?
Where?
BLOODNOK: Outside - I never
allow them in the house. Now I must report to H.Q. Goodbye. Charge!
FX: Horse gallops away. coconut shells.
SEAGOON: Oh. What's
happened here since I've been away at college?
SEAGOON: Anybody about?
Mother? Mother? Mother, I'm home.
FX: Door opens.
SEAGOON: Oh, Mother, I'm
so glad to see you. Dear old mummy (Big kiss)
ELLINGTON: Pardon me, sir,
but I'm the butler.
SEAGOON: Oh, I'm sorry.
You shouldn't wear a kilt
ELLINGTON: I have reasons
for dat.
SEAGOON: I too have
knobbly knees.
FX: Door opens. Gong.
DYALL: Neddie!
SEAGOON: Father! You - you
are Father, aren't you?
DYALL: Do I have to
undress?
SEAGOON: No, it's just
that you've changed so much. (Aside) And, dear listener, changed he had - he
looked tired, weary - his eyes, his eyes were sunk back in his head, they were
were bloodshot, watery and red-rimmed - what had caused this.
DYALL: Neddie, we've
bought a television set. But what are you doing back from school?
SEAGOON: My schooling is
completed.
DYALL: Nonsense, you've
only been there forty-three years.
SEAGOON: Nevertheless, I
came out top boy in the entire kindergarten.
DYALL: Really? Then it's
politics for you.
FLOWERDEW: (approach) I'm a
daisy - a beautiful daisy - please, brown cow, do not eat me - nor my friend
the pansy - where are you, Ivor?
SEAGOON: Good heavens -
wasn't that Uncle Rupert?
DYALL: Yes. He's better
now.
DYALL: Neddie, now that
you're home, promise me one thing.
SEAGOON: Very well,
Father, I promise!
DYALL: Thank you. See
that you keep it for your mother's sake.
SEAGOON: Ying tong iddle I
po.
DYALL: Good. Promise me
one more thing. Never -never - go near... the canal.
SEAGOON: Why not?
DYALL: (flaming) Just
never go near the canal, that's all. Now you must be tired, you need rest.
Eccles?
FX: Door opens.
ECCLES: Yer 'did my
daddie call me?
DYALL: Eccles, get your
things out of Neddie's room.
ECCLES: Okay daddy
FX: Door opens.
ECCLES: Come on now,
shoo, shoo.
FX: Goats bleating in a herd - chickens - cows - ducks - horses galloping
out - cats.
ECCLES: All out. Well
goodnight Neddie, sleep well. Mind how you tread!
FX: Door shuts.
SEAGOON: That night I lay
in bed with a clothes peg on my nose. What had happened to everybody? 'Don't go
near the canal', he had said (yawn sleep talking) Don't go near the canal...
zzzz.
FX: Door opens.
DYALL: Right, he's
asleep, heh heh heh. Hand me the mallet, Doctor.
Dr EIDELBURGER: Here.
DYALL: Right -huhhh.
FX: Wallop on bonce.
SEAGOON: Zzzz-ooo.
GREENSLADE: (in quick) The Canal,
Chapter Two.
DYALL: Together - one
two threeeee...
FX: Splash - bubbles of body sinking.
GREENSLADE: (in quick) The
Canal, Chapter Three.
DYALL: Hello? Lloyds?
About that life insurance against my son Neddie, well... it appears to have
matured... you'll bring the money round? Right. Thank you.
FX: Receiver down.
DYALL: Ha ha ha.
MILLIGAN: (Off) (Long
agonised scream)
DYALL: (calls) No - not
tonight, dear! Forty thousand pounds, just for throwing Neddie in the canal, ha
ha...
FX: Door opens.
SEAGOON: (gasping) Father,
I...
DYALL: Neddie, you've
been playing in the canal. I told you to stay away! Eccles?
ECCLES: (off) Yes,
Daddie?
DYALL: He's back.
ECCLES: O.K.
FX: Door opens.
ECCLES: All of yer out!
FX: Goats - chickens -cows - ducks - horses cats.
ECCLES: Here's yer
clothes peg.
FLOWERDEW: I'm a daisy,
father's a plum, that's why we stoned him. I hear music and there's only Max
Geldray there.
MAX GELDRAY
ORCHESTRA: Short dramatic theme.
GREENSLADE: The Canal,
Chapter Four.
SEAGOON: These three days
I've been kept locked in my room. I pass the time cutting the grass under my
bed, and feeding the monkeys. At night I can hear digging in the cellar. A
thought has just struck me... what has become of mother? Dear mother, she was
like one of the family.
FX: Door opens.
DYALL: In here,
gentlemen.
YAKAMOTO: Dr EIDELBURGER:
Zank you. Yerserkah.
DYALL: Neddie, I've
brought two freshly-released physicians to see you, Dr. Yakamoto - and Dr.
Justin Eidelburger.
SEAGOON: But there's
nothing wrong with me.
Dr EIDELBURGER: Zat's why we're
here, haa haa haa - za German joke. Dr. Yakamoto? Treatment!
YAKAMOTO: At once,
honourable sir. Would the honourable Neddie Seagoon put both bonourable feet
into this delicate thirty-ton iron container?
DYALL: Do as the little
oriental says, Neddie.
SEAGOON: Very well,
Father.
Dr EIDELBURGER: Good. Now, we
pour in ze concrete mixture, zo!
FX: Concrete going in.
DYALL: (talking over it)
You see, Neddie, the doctors say - when the concrete blocks set on your feet,
you won't be able to run away and play near the canal, haha...
ORCHESTRA: Harp arpeggio (minor) with bass clarinet (play little tune).
DYALL: Hello? Lloyds? I
want to add to that last policy on my son Neddie. Yes,yes, I want one that
covers him in the event of his ever putting concrete blocks on his feet and
throwing himself in the canal. Yes, I know it's not likely to happen but just
in case.
GREENSLADE: The Canal,
Chapter Five.
FX: Splash.
SEAGOON: (off)
Helppppppppp.
FX: Bubbles
GREENSLADE: The Canal,
Chapter Six. The Lock-Keeper's Lodge.
CRUN: Zzzzzoh dee de de
de - mnk (mouth noises) - . . mnk - yes.. . zzzz
SEAGOON: (off) Help!
CRUN: Mnk - yes - help,
yes - mnk grmp de de de - zzzzz.
SEAGOON: (off) Help!
BANNISTER: Henery? Henry,
buddy? Henry, man?
CRUN: What what what what
- what?
BANNISTER: Henry?
CRUN: What is it,
Minnie?
BANNISTER: There's a
gentleman in the canal, Henry.
CRUN: Oh. Thank you,
Minnie. Goodnight, Min.
BANNISTER: Goodnight, Henry
SEAGOON: Helppppp!
BANNISTER: Henry? That
gentleman is shouting, Henry.
CRUN: Oh de de - do you
think he wants to pass through the lock?
BANNISTER: I can't tell,
Henry - but I think be must be in a submarine.
CRUN: Why?
BANNISTER: He keeps going
under the water.
CRUN: Really? What will
they think of next, eh?
SEAGOON: Helppp!
BANNISTER: He said help,
Henry.
CRUN: Help? That's the
distress call, isn't it?
BANNISTER: Oh yes, yes - he
must be drowning Henry.
CRUN: Oh dear.
CRUN: Minnie, quick -my
regulation-length lock-keeper's bathing drawers.
FX: Dialling.
CRUN: Hurry, Minnie,
every day is precious.
BANNISTER: Hello,
SEAGOON: Helppppp!
BANNISTER: They can't
deliver till next Tuesday.
CRUN: Mnn no, it's a
bit risky.
FX: Door.
CRUN: (calls) Pardon
me, sir, but can you keep afloat till next Tuesday?
SEAGOON: What's today?
CRUN: Friday.
SEAGOON: No! Help, I'm
going down. (Bubbles)
CRUN: We're coming, sir
-hurry, Min.
BANNISTER: Coming, buddie.
CRUN: Have you turned
the gas off, Minnie?
BANNISTER: Yes, I have.
SEAGOON: Help! Helpppp!
BANNISTER: I wonder, who he
is.
CRUN: (calls) What is
your name, sir?
SEAGOON: (amid bubbles)
Neddie Seagoon.
CRUN: We're very
pleased to meet you... my name is Crun, Henry Crun. And this is Miss Bann....
SEAGOON: Helpp, bbbb, I'm
going down.
CRUN: Don't do that,
sir, or you'll drown. The, this fog - can't see a thing.
BANNISTER: Where are you,
sir?
SEAGOON: In the canal.
BANNISTER: He's in the
canal.
CRUN: Hello, Mr.
Seagoon... follow these instructions and you'll be safe. Hand me the Life-Saving
Manual Minnie.
BANNISTER: There you are.
CRUN: Ready?
BANNISTER: Yes.
CRUN: Hurry up then.
SEAGOON: Yes, hurry up.
CRUN: Mr Seagoon, Take
three dozen eggs and break into a bowl
SEAGOON: Yes.
CRUN: Mix in eight
ounces of castor sugar,
SEAGOON: I haven't got a
gas stove.
BANNISTER: Here, catch.
FX: Splash.
SEAGOON: Thank you.
CRUN: Add four pounds
of millet flour and bring the mixture to - Minnie? This isn't the Swimming
Manual.
BANNISTER: Oh - (calls)
we've got the wrong book, Mr Seagoon.
SEAGOON: What'll I do with
all this mixture?
BANNISTER: We'd better go
in, Henry, it's a shame to waste all that food.
CRUN: Coming, hupppp!
FX: Combined Splash. Splutterings, shouts, etc.
ORCHESTRA: Short linking chords.
FX: Knock on door. Door opens.
ELLINGTON: Yes, sir?
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh be he, good
evening to you. Is this the manor of the place where liveses the Valentine
Dyall man, is dis the place where it is, is it, den?
ELLINGTON: Yes.
BLUEBOTTLE: He he he. I am
from the Lloyds of London, the well known insurance company - I am their junior
representative. Feels in pocket, produces smart calling card
ELLINGTON: Oh, come in, sir.
BLUEBOTTLE: Enter the new
Bluebottle. The new Bluebottle wearing city gentlemen-type striped trousers and
Anthony Eden homberg. (Really Dad's trilby painted black.)
ELLINGTON: Have you wiped
your feet, sir?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes.
ELLINGTON: Then where'd that
mud come from?
BLUEBOTTLE: Off my shoes - ha
ha he he - I made a little jokules - pauses for audience applause - as usual
not a sausinge. Was going to use rude word, but changes mind.
ELLINGTON: What's your
business here?
BLUEBOTTLE: I have come to
pay the insurance on the recently drowned and deaded Neddie Seagoon.
FX: Whoosh.
DYALL: Did you say
insurance?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, yes, I
have...
DYALL: There, just sit
down and warm yourself by the candle. Ellington! Entertain the gentleman.
DYALL: Here. Drink this.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh a
cocktail,good health. (Gulp)
FX: Mammoth long rumbling explosion. Falling to floor. Teeth - odds and
ends
BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten swine!
You have nearly deaded me - look, my kneecaps have dropped four inches. Who
made that cocktail?
ELLINGTON: Molotoff.
BLUEBOTTLE: Look what you
done to my city gentleman-type suit - all the egg stains have been blowed off.
ELLINGTON: Is that bad?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, they were
holding the suit together.
Ray Ellington: Certainly. Here's
the dance of the seven... er... kilts.
RAY ELLINGTON
BLUEBOTTLE: Thank you, I
accept your apology. Now, Lord Valentine, the solemn business of paying out the
insurance money - moves left, opens official brief case. (Not too wide, as I
have my dirty laundry in one compartment)
DYALL: It's forty
thousand pounds, Isn't it?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes - but it is
all in pennies.
DYALL: Forty thousand
pounds in pennies? Eccles!
ECCLES: Yer, Daddie?
DYALL: Your hat, lad.
ECCLES: Okay den.
DYALL: Just hold it
there,now Mr. Bluebottle.
BLUEBOTTLE: Right, now to....
MILLIGAN: (Long agonised
wailing heart-rending scream)
DYALL: (answering) It's
in the cabinet by the bed, dear. Carry on. Carry on.
BLUEBOTTLE: He he he, what,
what was that dreaded scream, sir, he heh?
DYALL: Oh, that was my
eldest thing. Ha ha - now, just count out the money.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes - one,
tuppence, thruppence, fourpence, fivepence -
FX: Clink of coins behind.
GREENSLADE: Chapters Seven,
Eight, Nine, Ten and Eleven.
BLUEBOTTLE: (very tired) Four
million eight hundred and thirty-two pennies
FX: Clink.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ah he - roll on,
beddy byes - four million eight bundred and thirty-three pennies - four
milli...
FX: Great sack of pennies dropped onto floor. They roll and scatter.
ECCLES: Oh, sorry.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ohh! Oh! You
dropped them... one penny, tuppence, thrupence...
FX: Door opens.
SEAGOON: Fatherrrr.
DYALL: [flaming]
Neddie... You!
SEAGOON: Yes.
FX: DOOR OPENS.
ECCLES: Come on, all out,
Shoo! Shoo!
FX: Cattle, etc. (as before).
BLUEBOTTLE: Pardon me. Did
you say this was Neddie?
DYALL: Er, yes. (Happy)
Why, Neddie, you're safe, dear boy. Thank heaven, we thought you were drowned,
didn't we, Mr. Bluebottle?
BLUEBOTTLE: He he he be, yes
- well, you will not need this deaded money for him drowning. Thinks - this
will save Lloyds a lot of money and who knows, a managerial job for Bluebottle.
Thinks again - thanks to brains, the new wonder head-filler. Well, I must be
going, goodnight everybody, Exits left.
FX: Whoosh - door shuts.
DYALL: Curses.
DYALL: Miss Throat?
THROAT: Sir?
DYALL: That man...
THROAT: Yes?
DYALL: Stop him.
Throat: Right.
FX: Whoosh. Door slams.
DYALL: (rage) Now,
little Neddie - you've been playing in the canal again. It's got to stop.
SEAGOON:. I agree, Father.
DYALL: Silence when you
talk. to me! Now, go upstairs to your room and come down at once! I want to
talk to you.
SEAGOON: But - I can't
move daddy, these concrete blocks on my feet...
DYALL: We'll soon have
them off. Eccles?
ECCLES: (off) Yup, Did my
Daddy call me?
DYALL: Put these sticks
of dynamite into his concrete blocks.
ECCLES: O.K., my Daddie
knows what he's doing.
FX: Fuse starts to burn.
ECCLES: Dere! I light the
fuse, in ten seconds there's gonna be a dirty big...
DYALL: Yes, yes -
Neddie, wait outside in the garden will you?
SEAGOON: Yes, Father.
FX: Door opens and closes.
DYALL: [Sings]
"Come in to the garden Maude"
FX: Dialling.
DYALL: Hello, Lloyds?
Yes, a new life policy, please - I want to insure Neddie in the event of his
ever putting concrete blocks on his feet, blowing himself up with dynamite and
landing in the canal. Yes, I know it's not likely to happen, but just in
case...
FX: Explosion whistle goes up.
GREENSLADE: Chapter Twelve.
FX: Whistle descends. Splash.
SEAGOON: Helppp!
GREENSLADE: The Canal,
Chapter Thirteen.
FX: Pennies being dropped onto a pile.
BLUEBOTTLE: There, that's the
lot, Lord Dyall.
DYALL: Yes - forty
thousand pounds. Poor Neddie.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes - yes, it was
funny him falling in the canal again so soon after when I left, it is a good
job you ran after me, wasn't it?
DYALL: Well, goodnight,
Mr. Bluebottle, thank you for...
FX: Door opens. Pronounced creak.
DYALL: You!
FX: Door opens.
SEAGOON: Yes me!
ECCLES: Shoo, all out
out.
FX: Cattle, etc. (as before).
SEAGOON: Father!
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, it is little
Neddie - oh well, well, well. Could I have all the money back again, please?
DYALL: No! Hands up! All
of you!
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, he's got a
gun.
DYALL: Eccles!
ECCLES: Yes, Daddie?
DYALL: Take these two
men and chain them up in the dungeon! Ha ha ha.
ECCLES: Ha ha ha
ORCHESTRA: Descending chords.
FX: Heavy chains. Manacles.
ECCLES: Oh di dump one
dere, one round dere, not too tight are dey?
SEAGOON: Eccles, do you
realise what Daddie's trying to do?
ECCLES: Yer, he's tryin'
to keep you away from der canal because daddy loves you and he don't want you
to get drowned.
SEAGOON: No, he wants to
kill us all, and that includes you.
ECCLES: Ooooooooh.
BLUEBOTTLE: He hee I am
frighted, I don't want to be deaded yet. I haven't had my half day off this
week.
BLUEBOTTLE: If you get deaded
they give you the sack at Lloyds - they don't like deaded men working for dem.
SEAGOON: Shhh. Now,
Eccles, undo these chains and help us capture Father before he kills us all.
ECCLES: 0kay okay.
SEAGOON: Right, now this
is the plan, we...
FX: Dungeon door slams.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, look, someone
has closed the dungeon door from the outside, we are trapp-ed!
DYALL: Ha ha ha ha ha (goes off on echo).
SEAGOON: Curse, he's
locked us in. Never mind, we'll batter the door down. Where's something with a
blunt head?
ECCLES: Here y'are.
BLUEBOTTLE: Put me down,
Eccles. Put me down; I shall charge the door and and smash it down.
SEAGOON: Good man.
BLUEBOTTLE: Stand back, here
I go. To matchwood I'll splinter the door - charge!
FX: Long approaching footsteps (galloping) geting louder
FX: Nearer and fade into the distance.
BLUEBOTTLE: (miles off) You
rotten swine - who opened the door?
ECCLES: Ha hum
SEAGOON: Good work. Now
listen, both of you, we've got to think quick quickly.
ECCLES: Dat leaves me
out!
SEAGOON: We three are
going to throw Father into the canal!
GREENSLADE: Chapter Fourteen.
FX: Splash. Splash. Splash.
ECCLES: Help!
BLUEBOTTLE: Help!
SEAGOON: You devil, Lord
Dyall.
DYALL: Ha ha ha ha - you
didn't think you could...
FX: Splash.
DYALL: Helpppp - who did
that?
GREENSLADE: Last chapter.
CRUN: Hello, Lloyds -
about the life insurance I took out on the four gentlemen...
ORCHESTRA: Signature Tune: Up and down for:-
GREENSLADE: That was The Goon
Show - a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike
Milligan and Valentine Dyall with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray.
The Orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan.
Announcer: Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA: 'Crazy Rhythm' outro...
YTI