GOON
SHOW: TLO 64443
5TH
SERIES: No 4
BROADCAST:
19 Oct 1954
Script by Spike
Milligan
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC
Home Service.
FX: Penny in mug.
GREENSLADE: Thank you.
Tonight's broadcast comes to you from an Arab Stench-Recuperating Centre in
SECOMBE: Mr. Greenslade
refers, of course, to the highly esteemed Goon Show.
ORCHESTRA: 'Who Were You With Last Night' Very Fast. Razza Ma Tazz.
SECOMBE: Ah, what a
composer that Richnah Wagner was. Now, tonight, the Goons, with the aid of a
calibrated Turkish boot lathe and a portable volcano net, will re-enact a drama
of crime. Mr. Greenslade?
GREENSLADE: Yes, sir?
SECOMBE: Tell the eager
masses what we have in store for them.
GREENSLADE: Rubbish.
SECOMBE: Thank you. Yes,
it's rubbish - but to make it more interesting we call it...
SELLERS: 'The Phantom Head
Shaver of
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic Theme. Rising crescendo
MILLIGAN: It started in
SECOMBE: Yes I often heard
it ringing in the night.
GRAMS: Big ben played very fast mixed with any odd sounds (bagpipes,
splashes, cats etc...).
SECOMBE: Midnight o'clock
and a half quarter - six and seven-eighths or thereabouts! Sleeping peacefully
in the Hotel Fred are the delightful young newlyweds Nugent and Mrs. Dirt.
MILLIGAN: Suddenly! From
their room we hear...
Mrs DIRT: OoooooOO!
Heippppppppppp! Helpppppppppp! Helpppppppppp! Oh! Look at his bonce! Ohhh!
NUGENT DIRT: Prunella, are you
awake, dearest heart?
Mrs DIRT: Get away from me
with that dirty big bald head.
NUGENT DIRT: Bald head?
NUGENT DIRT: Mrs DIRT:
[Panic]
FX: Door bursts open.
MORIARTY: (approaching) Please, please,
yakkamakka, Madame, M'sieu - all this noise please, - you are waking up all the
other honeymoon couples - now what is the trouble?
Mrs DIRT: It's 'im - my
husband - look at him.
MORIARTY: He appears to be
a perfectly normal freak.
NUGENT DIRT: If I get off this
billiard table I'll strike you down -
Mrs DIRT: You shut up -
baldy.
NUGENT DIRT: What's all this
baldy stuff - I'm not bald.
MORIARTY: The madame is
right - you are - bald!
ORCHESTRA: Crashing theme.
GREENSLADE: Poor Nugent Dirt
- indeed he was hairless. The Phantom Head Shaver had struck. The day after, I,
Wallace Greenslade, opened a little tobacco kiosk. It was that week that Nugent
Dirt was taken to court by his wife.
CAST: (Courtroom
murmurs)
FX: Three loud gavel bangs.
USHER: (ellington)
Silence in court - silence! The court will now stand for Judge Schnorrer... and
if you'll stand for him you'll stand for anything.
JUDGE SCHNORRER: (sellers) Rite -
Alright, alright, get seated, let the mularky start.
USHER: M'lud - first
case - Mrs. Dirt versus Mr. Dirt. Mrs. Prunella Dirt?
Mrs DIRT: Yes, mate?
USHER: Raise yer right
hand and yer left leg. Now, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth?
Mrs DIRT: I do.
USHER: (sotto) Well, you
ain't gonna get far. M'lud - the witness for the persecution is ready.
JUDGE SCHNORRER: Rite - let the
prosecuting council start off his spiel.
ROPESOCK: M'lud - my
client, Mrs. Prunella Dirt, claims that her husband, Nugent Dirt, did deceive
her in that during their courting days, right up to their marriage night, he
did in fact conceal his baldness from her without her knowledge. She discovered
this sad state when, at one o'clock in the morning of the honeymoon night, she
was...
JUDGE SCHNORRER: (drooling) Go on
- go on - go on -
ROPESOCK: M'lud, please,
please, please - at one o'clock in the morning, Madame Dirt arose to clean the
windows.
WILLIUM: I object.
ROPESOCK: Who are you?
WILLIUM: I'm the window
cleaner.
ROPESOCK: I don't wish to
know that. The fact that she was cleaning the windows is unimportant.
WILLIUM: My bread and
butter.
ROPESOCK: What about your
bread and butter?
WILLIUM: I clean the
windows with it.
USHER: Silence in court!
SEAGOON: M'lud, as council
for the defence, I think we are straying from the facts. My client is accused
of hiding a bald head. He denies this emphatically. He claims he was shaved in
the night with a razor - by person or persons unknown.
CAST: (Buzz of
excitement. . . gets out of hand)
JUDGE SCHNORRER: Silence in court!
SEAGOON: Silence in court!
JUDGE SCHNORRER: Silence!
SEAGOON: Silence!
JUDGE SCHNORRER: Silence!
SEAGOON: Yes, silence!
JUDGE SCHNORRER: Thank you. Now, I
want to -
USHER: Silence in court!
JUDGE SCHNORRER: Silence!
SEAGOON: Silenceee!
JUDGE SCHNORRER: Silenceee there!
USHER: Silence in court!
FX: Gavel banging.
JUDGE SCHNORRER: Silenceeeeeeeee!
USHER: Silenceeeeeee!
CAST: (Uproar)
Grams: Mix in battle scene. Hitler Speech et al
GREENSLADE: Yes, I remember
the case because during the recess I did a brisk trade in my little tobacco
kiosk - one of my best clients was the defending council, Q.C. Hairy Seagoon.
SEAGOON: (coughs) Yes, I smoked heavily during
the trial. It was one evening as I puffed on my alabaster meershaum pipe that
events took a turn in the favour of Nugent Dirt.
FX: Knock on door. Door opens.
SEAGOON: Oh, a parcel!
THROAT: Yes.
SEAGOON: For me?
THROAT: Yes.
SEAGOON: Any message
THROAT: No
SEAGOON: You positive?
THROAT: Yes
SEAGOON: Well thank you
THROAT: Right
FX: Paper parcel being opened.
SEAGOON: I wonder what it
can be? Good heavens - is it? Yes - its-hair -human hair - and a note - 'Nugent
Dirt is innocent - this hair is his - it was I who balded him while he slept -
Signed - The Phantom Head Shaver'!
ORCHESTRA: Three more conclusive chords.
USHER: The case of Dirt
versus Dirt - third week.
JUDGE SCHNORRER: Now, then, Nugent
Dirt - the jury of three just men and twenty-nine criminals finds you guilty of
hiding your bald nut from your wife until after you had married her.
NUGENT DIRT: (Bogg) It's a
lie.
JUDGE SCHNORRER: Silence!
NUGENT DIRT: (Bogg) Silence!
JUDGE SCHNORRER: Thank you.
Therefore - I sentence you to pay a fine of three shillings or do sixty years
in the nick.
NUGENT DIRT: I'll do the sixty
years - I'm not throwing three bob down the drain.
JUDGE SCHNORRER: Dirt - for
refusing to throw three bob down the drain I sentence you to sixty years in the
nick. Any last request? Nugent Dirt: Yes - I want to hear 'I can't believe that
you're in love with me'. Thank you.
JUDGE SCHNORRER: Call Max Geidray.
MAX GELDRAY -
"I can't believe that you're in love with me"
JUDGE SCHNORRER: Silence, silence
in court! What a load of rough we got here...
SEAGOON: (triumphant)
M'lud - stop the case! Stop the case! I have here evidence that will prove my
client Nugent Dirt innocent! See - this hair is his - I submit it for analysis.
JUDGE SCHNORRER: Ohh, my life!
Have we got to go through all this again? Orl rite case suspended until the
hair is analysed, and proved to be or not to be Nugent Dirt's.
CAST: (Murmurs)
ORCHESTRA: Harp.
GREENSLADE: The days of
waiting for the analysis of the hair were agony for Hairy Seagoon - he smoked
pipe after pipe of one of my special tobaccos.
SEAGOON: (coughing) Gad,
this tobacco! (Cough) I must tell Mr. Greenslade not to make it so strong.
FX: Knock on door. Door opens.
SEAGOON: Oh - another
parcel?
THROAT: Yes.
SEAGOON: Any message?
THROAT: No.
SEAGOON: Good night.
THROAT: Good night.
FX: Door closes.
SEAGOON: I wonder what's
in this one...
FX: Paper opening.
SEAGOON: Empty! Wait,
here's a note. 'Dear Seagoon - I struck again last night - this time I have not
sent you the victim's hair - Signed - The Phantom Head Shaver.' Mmm 'P.S. If
you want to know who the victim is - look in the mirror.' (Pause) Ahhhhhhhhh -
I've been balded - he's balded me - ohhhhhhhhh!
ORCHESTRA: Three sinister chords. Soft and low.
GREENSLADE: Poor Seagoon -
all his lovely hair gone. The following day I opened up a larger shop as my
supplies of pipe tobacco were increasing.
SELLERS: In the months
that followed - the Phantom struck again and again! Fifty men were balded while
they slept. -
MILLIGAN: Brighton became a
city of terror - the holiday trade was threatened - that year only two men came
to
CAST: (Fast murmurs)
CHURCHILL: Come on Clem
whatta we got to lose?
MILLIGAN: Cease! And then a
hurried meeting was called.
SECOMBE: (old man)
Gentlemen - people aren't coming to
CRUN: Mnk - I suggest
that every one entering
BANNISTER: Rubbish - if all
the men wear bald wigs, the Phantom will attack the women.
CRUN: Mnk - I fear that
the ladies, too, will have to wear bald wigs.
BANNISTER: Rubbish - why
should I wear a bald wig - I'm already bald.
CRUN: Well, wear a bald
wig - mnk - with hair on.
BANNISTER: Rubbish - you
can't have a bald wig with hair on.
CRUN: Gnk - mnk. Why
not - eh - why not?
BANNISTER: Well, if a bald wig
had hair on - it wouldn't be bald.
CRUN: What? What?
BANNISTER: Who ever heard of
a bald-headed man with hair on, eh?
CRUN: Well, I have
BANNISTER: Who? Eh? Go on,
tell me, who?
CRUN: Mnk. . . no - I'm
not going to tell you.
BANNISTER: That's because you
don't know anybody with a hairy bald head do you.
CRUN: Yes I do, Minnie.
BANNISTER: No you don't.
CRUN: .. . yes I do.
BANNISTER: Who, who? Go on,
tell me who?
CRUN: I don't see why I
should.
CRUN: BANNISTER:
(Argue)
BANNISTER: . . . because you
don't know an - you don't know any one with a hairy bald head.
CRUN: (mumbles
grudgingly) Mnk. . . I do . . . I do know somebody witha hairy bald head.
BANNISTER: . . . you don't.
CRUN: Mnk - grnp -
knp.. . I do.
BANNISTER: Don't.
CRUN: mnk do.
BANNISTER: y'don't.
CRUN: (heart attack)
Mnk Grmp Nuk Knup . . . I. . . Mnk. I dooooooooo.
BANNISTER: You
donttttttttttt.
FX: Clash of sabres to mix with argument.
CRUN: BANNISTER:
(Continue normal voiced argument throughout)
FX: Two pistol shots - sabres continue - one pistol shot.
[Silence]
CRUN: Mnk, I do.
BANNISTER: don't. Anyhow I'm
going home - and I say you don't know a bald man with hair on his head, so
there
FX: Door slams.
CRUN: Pah....I do I...
FX: Phone rings. Receiver.
BANNISTER: (distort) You
don't.
CRUN: I do.
FX: Receiver slammed down.
CRUN: I do.
FX: Door opens.
BANNISTER: You don't.
FX: Door slams.
CRUN: I do,I...
FX: Phone rings - Receiver grabbed off hook.
CRUN:
Idoldoldoldoldoldoldoldoldoknowamanwithahairybald
head-Idoldoldoldoldo-Ido,sothere-Ido.Idoldoldo know a man with a hairy bald
head.. . so there.. . I do
MILLIGAN: Thank you. Now,
could I speak to Mr. Seagoon please?
CRUN: For you.
SEAGOON: Hello, Seagoon
here.
MILLIGAN: Just a moment -
you're through.
SELLERS: (Sanders) Hello,
Seagoon?
SEAGOON: Yes.
SELLERS: Forensic
Laboratory here.
SEAGOON: Oh, I'm pleased
to meet you - you must excuse my appearance.
SELLERS: That hair we
analysed...
SEAGOON: Yes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes?
SELLERS: .. . . please
don't do that.
SEAGOON: The hair, what about
the hair?
SELLERS: It wasn't hair -
it was tobacco.
SEAGOON: What? In that
case - Ellington, play while I medeetate. Exits left smoking, smoking.
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET - "Skokiaan"
SELLERS: The Phantom Head
Shaver of
SEAGOON: By now the
position was serious. All told, three hundred men had been balded by the
Phantom.
GREENSLADE: My tobacco stocks
were now quite high.
MILLIGAN: The Military
authorities had ringed the town! with troops and soldiers.
SELLERS: The only exit was
Haywards Heath. The, on a hunch. Seagoon went into action.
SEAGOON: (coughs) I'll go
and seek this Phantom myself. Bluebottle?
BLUEBOTTLE: I heard you call,
my Capatain - I heard my little ragged capatain call me - enter Bluebottle -
pauses for audience applause - as usual not a sausage - strikes defiant bus
driver outside garage-type pose, but trousers fall down and ruin effect.
SEAGOON: Little brave lad
- tonight we ride to Haywards Heath to track down the Phantom Head Shaver. Are
you ready?
BLUEBOTTLE: I am ready, my
Capatain - let justice be doned. He will fall under the wrath of my Boys'
Wonder mag cardboard sword. (Pulls up trousers - tucks in shirt.) Hehuehuehueu
- my hands are cold.
SEAGOON: The Shaver's a
dangerous man - he might kill.
BLUEBOTTLE: (gulp) What!. . .
. he he he he he he - I just remembered - it's my turn to clean out the rabbit
hutch.
SEAGOON: Come here,
Bluebottle - don't tell me you're a coward?
BLUEBOTTLE: All right, I
won't. But you're bound to hear about it sometime.
SEAGOON: Come, little
spotted dick - to Haywards Heath!
BLUEBOTTLE: Ride, vaquero, ride.
0le!!
ORCHESTRA: Dick Barton Theme.
FX: HORSES' HOOVES.
GREENSLADE: To Haywards Heath
they rode - to the exit that was guarded by the best of British troops.
ECCLES: Hi dump eper dump
yump dump er - ohhhhhh - I hup etc. etc. Halt, who goes dere? Anybody dere?
Halt or I fire - fire or I halt - halt - anybody out dere in the dark, anybody?
If dere's anybody dere, speak up - if there nobody - keep quiet. Halt, anybody
dere, I'll shoot, I'll shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot,. I can see you - ohhh. de di
dum deeee di dummm. Halt, who goes dere...?
BLOODNOK: Eccles? Will you
get out of that bed and get outside on guard.Get out or I'll tell about the
Naafi funds.
ECCLES: O.K. I'm...
FX: Door slams.
ECCLES: Ooooooo, it's
dark out here, but I'm not afraid.
SEAGOON: I say...
FX: Door opens and shuts.
ECCLES: Who's dat? Halt,
who goes - dere?
BLOODNOK: I warn you, sir,
come one step nearer and we'll scream.
SEAGOON: Have no fear, I'm
Q.C. Hairy Seagoon - defending council in the Nugent Dirt case. I have on me
several documents of identification - including a letter of personal trust from
the Commander of the British Army; a memo of recommendation from Mr. Anthony
Eden, the Foreign Secretary; a special pass signed by Mr. Clement Atlee, Leader
of the Opposition; and last but not least, a permit to go where I please,
signed by the Prime Minister the Right Honourable Sir Winston Spencer
Churchill.
ECCLES: Friend or foe?
SEAGOON: Open the door!
FX: Door opens.
BLOODNOK: I surrender - Pax
- I'm unarmed - you wouldn't hit a nursing mother would you.
SEAGOON: Major Bloodnok -
take off that Anna Neagle disguise. My ADC Bluebottle and I have followed a
trail of hair to this post - we believe the Phantom Head Shaver is in the
immediate vicinity.
BLOODNOK: I tell you, sir,
the Phantom wouldn't dare come near here - not with old Bloodnok on duty. Why,
I haven't slept for three nights - I've just sat here waiting fer him - oh yes,
old Bloodnok needs a smart man to outwit him. If the Phantom Head Shaver were
to come here... what are you staring at?
SEAGOON: Do you usually
have half your head shaved?
BLOODNOK: What? Ohh,
tunnedd, aeioughhhh - bleiough! Aeioughhhh bleioughh ohhhhhh, tunned me
gronkers with a gritclub - Ohhh ohhh ooohhh ohhhh ohhh ohhh ohhhhhhh.
SEAGOON: Something in his
voice told me he knew what had happened.
BLOODNOK: Ohh - look at me
nut - half balded, ohhhh!
SEAGOON: There, there,
Major - this is really a blessing in disguise. You see, I must have interrupted
him in his work - and we all know that a criminal always returns to the scene
of the crime.
BLOODNOK: What - yer mean
you want me to wait here for him to come back and shave the other half?
SEAGOON: It's your duty.
BLOODNOK: I refuse.
SEAGOON: Then, under
Chinese law, I subpoena you.
BLOODNOK: You filthy swine
you. Oh, very I'll do it. Just leave me that book about Scottish Regiments
SEAGOON: But it's called
The Decameron.
BLOODNOK: Of course - it's
all about Decameron Highlanders. eiough.
SEAGOON: Right, we'll
leave you and...
FX: Door bursts open.
BLUEBOTTLE: Captain, Capatain
- I can hear someone in the ammunition hut - it sounds like a man sharpening a
dirty big razor.
SEAGOON: Quick - follow
me.
FX: Whoosh.
SEAGOON: (out of breath)
Listen -
FX: Razor being stropped.
SEAGOON: (whisper) He's in
this hut with a naked razor!
ECCLES: Oooooooooo.
SEAGOON: (aloud) Come out,
Phantom Head Shaver - you're surrounded, d'yer hear? We're all heavily armed -
if you don't come . we'll come to that door - and so help me - we'll knock!
ECCLES: Yeah dats telling
him, yeah, if you don't come out we'll knock - ha -
SEAGOON: Shut up.
ECCLES: Shut up.
BLUEBOTTLE: We're not afraid
of you, Phantom Nut Shaver - we have no fear. Come out and face me - come on
and show your face. Looks out from behind tree to see if face is showing.
SEAGOON: Bluebottle - go
in and get him.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes - go in and
get hi - me? Me (go and get him, Can?
SEAGOON: Yes.
BLUEBOTTLE: What, little me?
Go and get him
SEAGOON: Yes.
BLUEBOTTLE: What, little tiny
rotten weak frightened bluebottle go in
SEAGOON: Yes.
BLUEBOTTLE: I don't like this
game let's play another game, let's play doctors and nurses.
FX: Whoosh.
SEAGOON: Come down from
that tree.
BLUEBOTTLE: I'll be the nurse
- Florence Nightingoon, the Lady with the Lump.
FX: Whoosh.
SEAGOON: Come out of that
dustbin.
BLUEBOTTLE: You be the
doctor.
FX: Whoosh.
SEAGOON: Come out from
behind that rock - the Phantom won't harm you - not when he sees that you're
armed with a Jet Morgan cardboard cut-out space catapult.
BLUEBOTTLE: Airight,
Capatain, I will go in - I shall conquer him in mortal combat. Quickly makes
out last will and testament on back of fag packet. I go in for
ORCHESTRA: Fanfare of trumpets.
BLUEBOTTLE: Let's play
doctors and nurses.
ECCLES: He's frightened,
why don't you send somebody else?
SEAGOON: You then.
ECCLES: Nope, try again.
SEAGOON: Bluebottle, get
in that hut and search it from end to end.
BLUEBOTTLE: O.K.
FX: Door opens and slams.
(Pause)
FX: DOOR OPENS.
BLUEBOTTLE: Not a soul was in
dere - we must have been hearing things - ha ha heuh, what a relief.. . ha
heuheuheuheu. Can I go home now? I say Capitain, What are you starin' at me
for?
SEAGOON: Look in this
mirror.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oooooooo, you
rotten swine you - I've been balded - you've ruined my Tony Curtis haircut.
Ohhh, you rotten - I told you I didn't like this rotten game.
SEAGOON: Sh! He's still in
there. I'll fix him - throw this stick of dynamite in through the door.
ECCLES: O.K.
(Pause)
FX: Fuse burning. Stops with splutter.
SEAGOON: Curse, it was a
dud. Let's go in - come on, keep me covered with your finger...
FX: Door opens - Mammoth explosion - Splintering glass - Bits of nuts and
Bolts falling - Forks, spoons, etc.
BLOODNOK: (approaching) What's
going on here? What's going on? I - good heavens!
GREENSLADE: The - er - hut
blew up.
BLOODNOK: Oh, poor fellows!
They were looking for the Head Shaver, yer know.
GREENSLADE: Yes - I know...
BLOODNOK: I suppose he was
blown up as well?
GREENSLADE: (pause) Care for
a pipe of tobacco?
BLOODNOK: What? Oh! Thank
you!
GREENSLADE: Good night.
BLOODNOK: Goodnight -
charming fellow. Tobacco, eh? Gad, its almost the same colour as my hair - yes
- it is the same col... - Stop! That man - stop!
ORCHESTRA: Signature Tune
GREENSLADE: That was The Goon
Show. A recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike
Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The Orchestra was
conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer: Wallace
Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA: Signature tune up to end.
ORCHESTRA: 'Crazy Rhythm' Playout.