(of Bexhill on Sea)
GOON
SHOW: TLO 64018
5TH
SERIES: No 3
BROADCAST: 12 Oct 1954
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC
Home Service
FX: Penny in
mug.
GREENSLADE: Thank you. We now
come to the radio show entirely dedicated to the downfall of John Snagge.
SECOMBE: He of course
refers to the highly esteemed Goon Show.
GRAMS: Funeral dirge, Jewish mourners.
SECOMBE: Stop! Time for
laughs later, but now to business. Mr Greenslade? Come over here.
FX: Rattling
chains.
GREENSLADE: Yes Master?
SECOMBE: Tell the waiting
world what we have for them.
GREENSLADE: My lords, ladies
and other National Assistance holders - tonight the League of Burmese
Trombonists present a bestseller play entitled:
ORCHESTRA: Timpani roll. Hold under.
SELLERS: The Terror Of
Bexhill-on-sea or ...
ORCHESTRA: Ominous chord. Sustain.
SECOMBE: The Dreaded
Batter Pudding Hurler.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic introduction. Seque into
suspenseful woodwind.
GREENSLADE: The
FX: Sea washing
onto beach.
CRUN: Ohhh, dear, dear,
dear, ohh, it's quite windy on these cliffs Minnie
BANNISTER: Yes, yes, what a
nice summer evening, typical english evening.
CRUN: Mnk yes, the rain
is lovely and warm. Minnie, I think I'll take one of my sou'westers off...
BANNISTER: You devil you!
CRUN: ...here, Minnie,
hold my elephant gun.
BANNISTER: Oh dear, I don't
know what you brought it for, you can't shoot elephants in
CRUN: Mnk? Why not?
BANNISTER: They're out of
season.
CRUN: Oh. Does this
mean we shall have to have pelican for dinner again?
BANNISTER: Yes, I fear so, I
fear so!
CRUN: Then I'll risk
it. I'll shoot an elephant out of season.
BANNISTER: You can't shoot
an elephant out of season.
CRUN: Yeah, yeah!
BANNISTER: Elephants mustn't
be shot out of season!
GREENSLADE: Listeners who are
listening, will of course realise that Minnie and Henry are talking rubbish, as
erudite people will realise, there are no elephants in
FX: Penny in
mug.
GREENSLADE: Thank you!
CRUN: ... well, if
that's how it is I can't shoot any.
BANNISTER: Come Henry, we'd
better be getting home. I don't want to be caught on the beaches if there's an
invasion.
CRUN: Neither do I
Minnie. I've wearing a dirty shirt and I don't...
FX: Metal door
slides open.
CRUN: Ooh oh, Minnie?
BANNISTER: What, what, what,
what, what, what?
CRUN: Did you hear a
gas oven door slam just then?
BANNISTER: Don't be silly,
Henry, who'd be walking around these cliffs with a gas oven?
CRUN: Lady Docker?
BANNISTER: Yes, but apart
from the obvious ones, who'd want to...
GRAMS: Whoosh...Splat.
BANNISTER:
Oooooooooooohohohohohohohohohohoh... Yeuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
CRUN: No, I've never
heard of him.
BANNISTER: Help Henry - I've
been struck down from behind. Help.
CRUN: Mnk - oh dear
dear. Poor Minnie. Police, English Police, Law Guardians...
BANNISTER: Not too loud,
Henry, they'll hear you.
CRUN: Police of the
law.
FX: Police
whistle.
GRAMS: Single whoosh.
SEAGOON: Can I help you,
sir?
CRUN: Are you a
policeman?
SEAGOON: No, I'm a
constable.
CRUN: Oh, what is the
difference?
SEAGOON: They're spelt
differently
BANNISTER: Ohhhhhh, help me
differently spelt constable.
SEAGOON: Oh! What's
happened to this dear old silver bearded lady?
CRUN: She was struck
down from behind.
SEAGOON: And not a moment
too soon. Congratulations, sir.
CRUN: I didn't do it.
SEAGOON: Coward, hand back
your OBE. Now tell me who did this felonious deed. What's happened to her?
CRUN: It's much too
dark to see, strike a light.
SEAGOON: Not allowed in
blackout.
BANNISTER: Strike a dark
light.
SEAGOON: No madam. Madam
we daren't. Why, only twenty eight miles across the Channel the Germans are watching
this coast.
CRUN: Don't you be a
silly pilly policeman!
BANNISTER: Bravo Henry.
CRUN: Pittle Poo.
BANNISTER: Pittle Poo. They
can't see a match being struck.
SEAGOON: Oh, all right.
GRAMS: Striking match; incoming shell; enormous
explosion.
SEAGOON: Any questions?
CRUN: Yes, where are my
legs?
SEAGOON: Now are you aware
of the danger of German long range guns?
CRUN: Mnk ahh I have
it! I've got it, I've got the answer. Just by chance I happen to have on me a
box of German matches.
SEAGOON: Wonderful, strike
one. Ha, they won't fire at their own matches.
CRUN: Of course not.
Now...
GRAMS: Striking match; incoming shell; enormous
explosion.
CRUN:... Curse... the
British, the British!!!
SEAGOON: (Narration) We tried using a candle, but
it wasn't very bright and we daren't light it, so we waited for dawn, and
there, in the light of the morning sun, we saw what had struck Miss Bannister.
It was... a batter pudding!
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic chord.
CRUN: It's still warm,
Minnie.
BANNISTER: Oh. Thank heaven,
I hate cold batter pudding.
CRUN: Come, dear little
Minnie, I'll take you home with me Minnie, I'll give you a hot bath, rub you
down with the anti-vapour rub, put a plaster on your back, give your little
feet a mustard bath, and then put you to bed.
SEAGOON: Do you know this
woman?
CRUN: Devilish man
BANNISTER: Naughty man!
CRUN: Naughty, naughty,
horrible, naughty man! ...of course I do, this, this is Minnie Bannister, the
world famous poker player. Give her a good poker and she'll play any tune you
like on it.
SEAGOON: Well, get her off
this cliff, it's dangerous. Meantime, I must report this to the Inspector. I'll
call on you later, goodbye.
GRAMS: Body into water.
SEAGOON: As I swam ashore
I dried myself to save time. That night I lay awake in my air-conditioned
dustbin thinking, now who on earth would want to strike another with a Batter
Pudding? Obviously it wouldn't happen again, so I fell asleep. Nothing much
happened that night, except that I was struck with a Batter Pudding.
MILLIGAN: Mmmmmmm, it's all
rather confusing, really!
GREENSLADE: In the months to
come, thirty eight Batter Puddings were hurled at Miss Bannister.
BANNISTER: Ohhh!
GREENSLADE: A madman was at
large, Scotland Yard were called in.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic Police-Investigation Link.
GRYTPYPE: Inspector
Seagoon, my name is Hercules Grytpype Thynne, Special Investigation. This
Batter Pudding Hurler...
SEAGOON: Yes?
GRYTPYPE: He's made a fool
of the police.
SEAGOON: I disagree, we
were fools long before he came along
GRYTPYPE: You silly twisted
boy. Nevertheless, he's got to be stopped, now Seagoon...
SEAGOON: Yes yes yes yes
yes yes?
GRYTPYPE: ...Please don't
do that. Now, these Batter Puddings, they were obviously thrown by hand.
SEAGOON: Not necessarily.
some people are pretty clever with their feet.
GRYTPYPE: For instance?
SEAGOON: Tom Cringingknut
GRYTPYPE: Who's he?
SEAGOON: He's a man who's
pretty clever with his feet.
GRYTPYPE: What's his name?
SEAGOON: Jim Flat Kronck.
GRYTPYPE: Sergant Throat!
THROAT: Yes?
GRYTPYPE: Make a note of
that.
THROAT: Right. Anything
else Sir?
GRYTPYPE: Yes.
THROAT: Right.
GRYTPYPE: Now Seagoon, these
Batter Puddings. Were they all identical?
SEAGOON: All except the
last one. Inside it, we found this...
GRYTPYPE: What? An Army
Boot. So the dreaded hurler is a military man. Any troops in the town.
SEAGOON: The fifty sixth
Heavy Underwater Artillery.
GRYTPYPE: Get there at
once, arrest the first soldier you see wearing one boot.
SEAGOON: Ying tong iddle I
po
GRYTPYPE: Right, off you
go.
ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme
BLOODNOK: Ohhhhhh, Ohhhh,
oh, oh, oh, how dare you come here to my H.Q. with such a ridiculous...
SEAGOON: I tell you, Major
Bloodnok, I must ask you to parade your men.
BLOODNOK: Why?
SEAGOON: I'm looking for a
criminal
BLOODNOK: You find your
own, it took me years to get this lot, oh, oh, I surrender the army...
SEAGOON: Ying tong iddle I
po.
BLOODNOK: Very well then,
Bugler Max Geldray? Sound fall in the hard way
MAX GELDRAY - 'They Were Doing The Mambo'
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.
OMNES: (Hubbub - complaining
from all ranks.)
BLOODNOK: Silence, silence
lads, silence! Lads, lads, lads, lads, lads.
UNCOOTH SOLDIER: (At the back) Ya big fathead!
BLOODNOK: Lads! My dear
lovely, hairy lads, I'm sorry I had to get you out of bed in the middle of the
day, but I'll see you get extra pay for this, I promise you.
OMNES: (Cries of
dissent.)
BLOODNOK: Ahhhhhh, that's
what I like, spirit. Now Seagoon, which is the man.
SEAGOON: I walked among
the seried ranks looking for the soldier with one boot, but my luck was out,
the entire regiment were barefooted, all save the officers, who wore reinforced
concrete socks.
BLOODNOK: I say Seagoon,
it's getting dark. You can't see in this light.
SEAGOON: I'll strike a
match
GRAMS: Striking match; incoming shell; enormous
explosion.
SEAGOON: Curse, I forgot
about the Germans.
ECCLES: We want our beddy
byes
SEAGOON: Who are you?
ECCLES: Me? I'm Lance
Private Eccles, but most people call me by my nickname.
SEAGOON: What's that?
ECCLES: Nick.
Hahahahahaha, that's a joke (aside)
I told a joke about a nick!
SEAGOON: I inspected the
man closely, he was the nearest thing I'd seen to a human being, without
actually being one.
BLOODNOK: I say Seagoon.
Surely you don't suspect this man, why, we were together in the same company
during that terrible disaster.
SEAGOON: What company was
that.
BLOODNOK: Desert Song 1933.
SEAGOON: Were you both in
the D'Oyly Carte?
BLOODNOK: Right in the
D'Oyly Carte.
SEAGOON: I don't wish to
know that... but wait!! At last, by the light of a passing glue factory, I saw
that Eccles was only wearing, one boot!
ECCLES: Well, I only got
one boot.
SEAGOON: I know, but why
are you wearing it on your head?
ECCLES: Why? Why? It
fits, dat's why! What a silly question to ask.
SEAGOON: Let me see that
boot. Mmmmm, size nineteen... What size head have you got?
ECCLES: Size nineteen.
SEAGOON: Curse, the man's
defence was perfect.
ECCLES: Ho Ho!
SEAGOON: Major Blooknok?
BLOODNOK: How dare you call
me Major Bloodnok.
SEAGOON: That's your name.
BLOODNOK: In that case, I
forgive you.
SEAGOON: Where's this
man's other boot.
BLOODNOK: Stolen.
SEAGOON: Who by?
BLOODNOK: A thief.
SEAGOON: You sure it
wasn't a pickpocket?
BLOODNOK: Positive, Eccles
never keeps his boots in his pocket.
SEAGOON: Damn. They all,
they all had a watertight alibi, but just to make sure, I left it in a fish
tank overnight. Next morning my breast pocket phone rang.
FX: Telephone
rings.
SEAGOON: Hello?
CRUN: (On phone) Mister Secombe? Minnie's been
hit with another Batter Pudding.
SEAGOON: Well, that's
nothing new.
CRUN: It is, this one
was stone cold.
SEAGOON: Cold??
CRUN: Yes, he must be
losing interest in her.
SEAGOON: It proves also
that the phantom Batter Pudding Hurler has had his gas-pipe cut off! Taxi!
GRAMS: Bagpipes running out of steam!
TAXI DRIVER: Yes Sir? ‘Ooray vrub. Dan yb poor ol’ Marilyn Monroe poor ol’
Joe!
SEAGOON: The Bexhill Gas
Works, and step on it.
TAXI DRIVER: Very good Sir,
alright here we go!
GRAMS: Bagpipes swelling. Music starts.
GREENSLADE: Listeners may be
puzzled by a taxi sounding like bagpipes. The truth is, it is all part of the
BBC new economy campaign. They have discovered that it is cheaper to travel by
bagpipes. Not only are they more musical, but they come in a wide variety of
colors. See your local bagpipe officer and ask for particulars, you won't be
disappointed.
MILLIGAN: It's all rather
confusing really...
SELLERS: Meantime, Neddie
Seagoon had arrived at the Bexhill Gas and Coke Works.
SEAGOON: Phewwww blimeyyy,
anyone about.
ODIUM: Yeahurureurur.
SEAGOON: Good
ODIUM: Yeahrur.
SEAGOON: I'd like a list
of people who haven't paid their gas bills.
ODIUM: Yeahurureurur.
SEAGOON: Oh thank you. Now
here's a good list, I'll try this number
FX: Dialing
telephone
SEAGOON: Think we've got
him this time; hello?
CHURCHILL:
SEAGOON: (gulp) Ooh, I'm terribly sorry.
FX: Handset clicks
down
SEAGOON: No, it couldn't
be him, who would he want to throw a Batter Pudding at?
FX: Telephone
rings. Handpiece picks up.
SEAGOON: Hello? Police
here.
ATTLEE: This is Mr.
Attlee, someone's just throw a Batter Pudding at me.
ORCHESTRA: Timpani roll. Hold under.
SEAGOON: Months went by, I
couldn't stop them. Still no sign of the Dreaded Hurler. Finally I walked the
streets of Bexhill at night disguised as a human man. Then suddenly...
ORCHESTRA: Swell
timpani to sforzando.
SEAGOON: ...Nothing
happened. But it happened suddenly mark you. Disappointed, I lit my pipe.
GRAMS: Striking match; incoming shell; enormous
explosion.
SEAGOON: Argh, curse those
Germans.
MORIARTY: Pardon me, my
friend.
SEAGOON: I turned to see
the speaker. He was a tall man wearing sensible feet, and a head to match. He
was dressed in the full white outfit of a
MORIARTY: Could I borrow a
match? You see my gas has gone out and my Batter Pudding was just about to
start browning.
SEAGOON: Certainly,
here...no, no, no...keep the whole box, I have another match at home.
MORIARTY: So rich! Well,
thank you monsieur, you have saved my Batter Pudding from getting cold. There's
nothing worse than being struck down with a cold batter pudding.
SEAGOON: Oh yes, of
course.
MORIARTY: Well, Good night
monsieur.
SEAGOON: I watched the
strange man as he pulled his gas stove away into the darkness. But I couldn't
waste time watching him, my job was to find the Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler.
GREENSLADE: Those listeners
who think that Seagoon is not cut out to be a detective, please write to him
care of Rowton House.
SEAGOON: On December 25th
the Hurler changed his tactics. That day Miss Bannister was struck with a
Christmas Pudding. Naturally, I searched the workhouse.
INSPECTOR: Mmmm. Mmmm.
Mmmmm. Mmmm. Mmmm. Seagoon? The hurler is abroad.
SEAGOON: What's that Sir?
INSPECTOR: Hmm, a Miss
Bannister has just received this letter. It was postmarked '
BANNISTER: Yes, he hasn't forgotten
me, buddy!
SEAGOON: So he's in
BLUEBOTTLE: Yahaaaaay! I
heard you call me, my Capitain, I heard my Captain call me, waits for audience
applause, not a sausage, puts on I don't care expression as done by Aneurin
Bevan at Blackpool Conservative Rally.
SEAGOON: Bluebottle, you
and I are going to
BLUEBOTTLE: Goody goody, can
we take sandwiches?
SEAGOON: Only for food.
Any questions?
BLUEBOTTLE: No.
SEAGOON: I can't answer
that, can you?
BLUEBOTTLE: No.
SEAGOON: Ignorant swine!
Got that down, Sergeant Throat?
THROAT: Yes.
SEAGOON: Good.
THROAT: Yes.
SEAGOON: Right, we catch
the very next troop convoy to
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET - '
ORCHESTRA: Nautical
musical link
SELLERS: And now...
FX: Waves against
wood
GREENSLADE: Seagoon and
Bluebottle travelled by sea. To avoid detection by enemy U-boats they spoke
German throughout the voyage, heavily disguised as Spaniards.
SELLERS: As an added
precaution they travelled on separate decks and wore separate shoes on
different occasions.
SEAGOON: The ship was
disguised as a train, to make the train sea-worthy it was done up to look like
a boat and painted to appear like a tram.
MILLIGAN:... all very
confusing really.
SEAGOON: Also on board
were Major Bloodnok and his regiment. When we were ten miles from
ECCLES: Mine ahead
woohoowoo, dirty big mine ahead.
BLOODNOK: I say I say I
say, what's happening here, why are all these naughty men cowering down on the
deck, the cowards?
SEAGOON: There's a mine
ahead.
BLOODNOK: Mine...?
GRAMS: Footsteps running away...Splash!
SEAGOON: Funny, he wasn't
dressed for swimming.
ECCLES: Heeeerrrreee,
dere's no need to worry fellers about the mine. It's one of ours
FX: Explosion
ECCLES: Oooh!
SEAGOON: Bloodnok and I
floundered in the cruel sea.
GRAMS: Lapping waves.
BLOODNOK: Fortunately we
found a passing lifeboat and dragged ourselves aboard.
SEAGOON: We had no oars,
but luckily we found two outboard motors and we rowed with them.
BLOODNOK: Brilliant.
SEAGOON: For thirty days
we drifted to and fro, then hunger came upon us.
BLOODNOK: Aeioughhhhh, if I
don't eat soon I'll die of hunger, and if I die I won't eat soon. Wait a
moment, (sniffs the air)
ohohohh, can I smell cooking or do my ears deceive me?
SEAGOON: He was right,
Something was cooking. There in the other end of the lifeboat was... a gas
stove! Could this be the end of our search.
BLOODNOK: I'll knock on the
oven door.
FX: Knocking on
metal
MORIARTY: (faintly) Just a minute please, I'm in
ze bath...
FX: Footsteps down
metal stairs. Door scrapes open.
MORIARTY: Good morning, I'm
sorry, you!!
SEAGOON: Yes, remember
Bexhill? I lent you the matches.
MORIARTY: You don't want
them back?
SEAGOON: Don't move, I
arrest you as the Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler.
MORIARTY: Sacre Bleu!
SEAGOON: Hands up you
devil, don't move, this finger is loaded.
MORIARTY: If you kill me I
promise you, you'll never take me alive.
BLOODNOK: Wait, how can we
prove it?
SEAGOON: That Batter
Pudding in the corner of the stove is all the evidence we need. We've got him.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic
fanfare
FX: Lapping waves.
GREENSLADE: But it wasn't
easy, forty days they drifted in an open boat.
ORCHESTRA: 'Hearts and
flowers.'
BLOODNOK: Oooaeioughhhh, I
tell you Seagoon, let's eat the Batter Pudding or we'll starve!
SEAGOON: No, d'yer hear
me, No! That's the only evidence we've got. Though I must admit this hunger
does give one an appetite.
BLOODNOK: We must eat it or
die.
SEAGOON: Never!
BLOODNOK: Very well then, I
shall stop playing my violin
GREENSLADE: And that, we
fear, is the end of our story, except of course, for the end. We invite
listeners to submit what they think should be the classic ending. Should
Seagoon eat the Batter Pudding and live, or leave it and in the cause of
justice, die? Send your suggestions on a piece of batter pudding. Meantime, for
those of you cretins who would like a happy ending, here it is.
ORCHESTRA: Romantic music
SECOMBE: Darling...
Darling will you marry me?
BLOODNOK: Of course I
will... darling.
GREENSLADE: Thank you, good
night.
ORCHESTRA: End tune
GREENSLADE: That was The Goon
Show. A recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, and Spike
Milligan; with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The Orchestra was
conducted by Wally Scott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace
Greenslade. The programmer produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA: Playout with
'Crazy Rhythm'
[1] One of
the most famous ballads concerning black slavery, this song was written by
Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein II for the Broadway smash hit “Showboat” (1927). The lyrics have caused
immense problems ever since, due to the burgeoning black rights struggle that
took hold of the conscience of