GOON SHOW TLO 73495
5TH SERIES: NO 24
1ST BROADCAST: 8 Mar 1955[1]
GREENSLADE: This is the
BBC Home Service.
LEW: (Disgusted) Aaaaaach! What's on the
telly?
GREENSLADE: You will find
the answer to that question in the Radio Times, price threepence. Three copper
coins, mark you, and by jove, it has become so interesting I would much sooner
settle down and read it than listen to the radio any day.
SECOMBE: Didn't you
once have a photograph in the Radio Times, Mister Greenslade?
GREENSLADE: I did indeed.
Page twelve, March the fourteenth 1935, and strangely enough I happen to have four
copies with me now
SECOMBE: Well take
them off and put a shirt on. The nation is standing by to hear you give them
the old wireless talking there. The old posh chat there.
GREENSLADE: Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, here is our usual warning to those of a nervous
disposition, those without a nervous disposition and those still on the waiting
list.
SECOMBE: It's the
esteemed Goon highly Show!
ORCHESTRA: Corny
chord.
SELLERS: That was the
orchestra under the direction of Wally Stott; Arthur Crube, first trumpet;
Mervin Clap, bugle; Hezekiah Pittstraw, spoons; Fred Crint, Chinese cymbal,
temple blocks and lace table-mats. The stool arranger was Herman Tig. They have
agreed, in conjunction with the NUR, to play the theme music of...
SECOMBE: The Yehti!
ORCHESTRA: Tatty
chord.
SECOMBE: Why, it's a
catchy tune is that, you know. (Laughs) Ha
Ha! Everybody will be whistling it tomorrow, you know.
ORCHESTRA: Whistling
the tatty chord.
GREENSLADE: Our scene
opens in an upright pre-fab on Carshalton Marshes. It's the home of Ned
Seagoon, philosopher, scholar, friend and foe, unemployed, wedding cakes a
speciality.
SEAGOON: I love my
little home, and I like nothing better than to sit by my own fireside watching
television in the next house but one. Yes, there's something to be said for
thin walls. And one night in the middle of 'Quite Contrary' – yes, it was
'Quite Contrary.’ I remember, because I was asleep at the time. Suddenly there
was a knock at the door.
FX: Knocks on thin door, sound of paper ripping.
SEAGOON: Curse these
pre-fabs. (Calls out) Come in!
FX: Door opens.
GRYTPYPE: I'm sorry, I
appear to have put my foot through your door
SEAGOON: That's all
right. I'll get a bit of plaster
GRYTPYPE: Oh don't
worry, I've only bruised my knuckles
SEAGOON: I was
thinking about the door. (Laughs) Ha
ha ha! Ahem. If I'd known I was having visitors I wouldn't have given the staff
the night off. I doubt if there is a maid left. (Laughs) Ha ha! Pull up an orange box.
GRYTPYPE: May I?
SEAGOON: Yes, I'll
stand.
GRYTPYPE: I've been
watching you for some time.
SEAGOON: Oh, have you?
GRYTPYPE: Yes – not a
pretty sight. You are Ned Seagoon, unmarried, no family-ties, British,
occupation, er...
SEAGOON: I run my own
business in the
GRYTPYPE: Oh yes, in
SEAGOON: Yes!
GRYTPYPE: That's right!
I bought a balloon off you
SEAGOON: Yes you did. (Narrates) As the man perused his notes
I looked him up and down. He had a high forehead just above his eyes and an
aquiline nose with a couple of nostrils at the bottom. His jacket was so
beautifully cut and his trousers were torn as well
GRYTPYPE: Neddie?
SEAGOON: …he said.
GRYTPYPE: I've been thinking...
SEAGOON: He paused.
GRYTPYPE: Neddie?
SEAGOON: …he repeated
GRYTPYPE: I think
you're our man.
SEAGOON: Me?
GRYTPYPE: …he replied
SEAGOON: But I don't
understand!
GRYTPYPE: …he
vouch-safed. Don't you Neddie?
SEAGOON: …he
proclaimed
GRYTPYPE: Then I
said...
SEAGOON: Are you with
us Ned? To which I replied...
GRYTPYPE: …Yes! Then I
told him my name -
SEAGOON: I'm Hercules
Grytpype-Thynne of the East Acton Geographical Society
GRYTPYPE: …he said I
said...
SEAGOON: …he said I
said...
GRYTPYPE: Goodnight! – and
out he went, while I settled down to watch telly in the next house but one.[2]
SEAGOON: In order to
learn more I went straight to the East Acton Geographical Society. Once there I
enquired for Mr. Grytpype-Thynne.
WILLIUM: He's not back
yet, he went to lumber some charley in Carsharlton.
SEAGOON: I live in
Carsharlton
WILLIUM: I should go
through, charley, the meeting's just starting.
SEAGOON: And for the
first time I entered inner-sanctum of the East Acton Geographical Society.
FX: Door Opens
GRAMS: Crowded
meeting sounds.
CHAIRMAN: Now, we must
have an experienced climber
MEMBER 1: May I suggest
Hillary?
CHAIRMAN: Yes, that's a
good idea, suggest him.
MEMBER 1: What about
Hillary?
CHAIRMAN: No. Any more
suggestions?
MEMBER: What about
Sir John Hunt?
CHAIRMAN: Sir John
Hunt? Has he had much climbing experience?
MEMBER: He has that.
Everest 1953
CHAIRMAN: Everest 1 9 5
3. Good, I'll phone him later
SEAGOON: If I may butt
in, Sir, perhaps I'm your man. My name is Ned Seagoon, I'm unmarried, no family
ties, British, and I'll go wherever it maybe.
CHAIRMAN: Ah, wait, are
you by any chance the Monsieur from British Carshalton?
SEAGOON: Yes!
CHAIRMAN: (Yes, this is
definitely him.) You have been chosen from thousands of charleys to bring back
a Yehti, to whit an abominable snowman.
SEAGOON: Leave it to
me. I'll leave for the
FX: Knocking on door.
SEAGOON: Yes?
FX: Door opens.
GRYTPYPE: You silly
twisted boy!
SEAGOON: Hello Mister
Thynne. I got here.
GRYTPYPE: Yes. Well
now, as you probably would have been told, Yehti tracks were reported last
week.
SEAGOON: Last week?
But Yehti tracks were seen years ago.
GRYTPYPE: In
SEAGOON:
GRYTPYPE: Yes.
SEAGOON: Oh that's
different, I mean...
MORIARTY: Remember, the
man who finds the Yehti will be rich.
SEAGOON: Then why
don't you go?
GRYTPYPE: You see,
Seagoon, the Yehti is an unknown quantity, as yeti. Rumour has it that a Yehti
has the ability to take possession of your mind.
SEAGOON: Possession of
my mind?
GRYTPYPE: What have you
got to lose?
SEAGOON: No no, I'll
go! I won't! Yes, you can call me a coward if you like.
MORIARTY: We will pay
you £50 for one Yehti.
SEAGOON: How dare you
call me a coward! I leave for
GRAMS: Whoosh
FX:
Door slams.
GRYTPYPE &
MORIARTY: [Singing] April in
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty?
MORIARTY: Yes?
GRYTPYPE: If there's a
Yehti on the Yorkshire Moors that charley will bring it back.
MORIARTY: And how much
is a Yehti worth again?
GRYTPYPE: Priceless,
you can't get them you know.
GRYTPYPE &
MORIARTY: [Singing] April in
MAX GELDRAY
GREENSLADE: The Yorkshire
Yehti, part two, three days later, or part three, two days later, I really
couldn't care less. Ned Seagoon was fighting his way through the terrible
blizzard of '55 to Denshaw across the Yorkshire Moors. The drifts were 15 feet
high and snow was expected.
GRAMS: Wind blowing
SEAGOON: [Panting] I
had to find Long Willie's Croft. This was a house on the lonely moors from
which Yehti tracks had first been seen. On and on I stumbled through the inky
darkness. First one leg and then the other, which I found was the best way of
walking. Then, when all seemed lost I saw a light.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic
crescendo, Harp being strummed.
SEAGOON: Yes! Long
Willie's Croft. The man who gave me directions at
FX: Knocking On
Door.
SEAGOON: Open the
door!
BANNISTER: Ooooh! It's
the Yehti! We'll all be murdered in our beds!
FX: Knocking On
Door.
SEAGOON: I'm not a
Yehti! I'm Ned Seagoon. I'm a human.
BANNISTER: You'll have
to prove it, buddy. Put a photograph of yourself through the letterbox.
SEAGOON: Where can I
get a photo of myself at this time of night?
BANNISTER: You can
borrow my camera buddy.
SEAGOON: Thank you.
FX: Door knob
turning, Doorchain removed, Door Opens and close. Minnie muttering all the
while
BANNISTER: I'll get the
tripod and the black cloth.
SEAGOON: I can't take
a photo when it's dark. I'll have to wait till morning.
BANNISTER: Ah, you'll
have to see Henry Crun about that.
SEAGOON: Henry Crun?
BANNISTER: That's his
name.
SEAGOON: Oh?
BANNISTER: I think he's
down in the coal-cellar getting the coal, you know?
SEAGOON: Well you
can't get the wood, you know?
BANNISTER: You can't,
ying-tong-iddle-I-pong.
SEAGOON: Good!
BANNISTER: Good. I'll go
and fetch Henry, oh dear dear.
SEAGOON: I'll come
with you.
FX: Echoey
footsteps.
SEAGOON: Steady now.
BANNISTER: Hold on to
me.
SEAGOON: Do you come
here often?
BANNISTER: Only in the
spring
FX: Door opens
and closes.
SEAGOON: Oh, I say!
Sounds like a large coal cellar.
BANNISTER: Yes, it's a
mile to the coal-face, you know? Henry? Henry?
SEAGOON: Mr. Crun? I
say, wouldn't it be better if I struck a match?
BANNISTER: Mercy save
us, no! The driver wouldn't like it.
SEAGOON: The driver?
GRAMS: Train
Whistle,coming closer then passing with a doppler effect.
BANNISTER: He's late
again tonight.
SEAGOON: That was a
train!
BANNISTER: Yes, it's a
busy time just now you know?
SEAGOON: [Gulp!] I
remembered Mr. Thynne's words.
GRYTPYPE: Take
possession of your mind!
SEAGOON: Oh no!
GRYTPYPE: Take
possession of your mind!
SEAGOON: No!
GRYTPYPE: Your mind!
SEAGOON: No!
GRYTPYPE: Your mind!
SEAGOON: Heeeelp!
GRAMS: Whoosh!
SEAGOON: Ah, in two
seconds I was up the stairs again. Was I losing my mind? Was this a trick of
the fiendish Yehti?
CRUN: Ah, Mr.
Seagoon.
SEAGOON: Mr. Crun, a
train just ran through your cellar.
CRUN: A train? My
goodness, what time is it?
SEAGOON: 12.56
CRUN: Ooh quick!
Open that door!
FX: Door Opens.
GRAMS: Train
Whistle, Fast train passes.
FX: Door slams
shut.
CRUN: The Mails
must go through, you know?
SEAGOON: Mr. Crun, Mr.
Crun, I must talk to you about the Yehti. Is there a room in the house that
trains don't run through?
CRUN: Oh yes, in
there.
SEAGOON: Thank you.
FX: Door Opened.
GRAMS: Sheep Baaing
loudly.
SEAGOON: Mr. Crun? Mr.
Crun? I must tell you about the Yehti. It's very important! Mr. Crun? Mr. Crun?
FX: Door slams
shut.
SEAGOON: We can't talk
in there.
CRUN: I don't know
who that lot belong to.
SEAGOON: Mr. Crun, now
about this Yehti.
CRUN: Yes, yes, I
saw the tracks and... Oh what time is it?
SEAGOON: 12.59
CRUN: Stand well
back! Stand well back!
FX: Door opens.
GRAMS: Train pulls
up to a stand still.
CRUN: Well, good
night Mr. Seagoon. Have a pleasant trip
SEAGOON: Yes I will,
thanks very much. But Mr. Yehti, Mr. Crun about this Yehti, I mean Mr Yehti
about this Crun... Mr. Crun?
GRAMS: Train pulls
away.
SEAGOON: What's going
on here? Why have I been bundled on this train? What's going on?
BLOODNOK: I say!
SEAGOON: I'm sorry
Sir, I didn't see you there!
BLOODNOK: I say, are
you the ticket inspector?
SEAGOON: No.
BLOODNOK: Then help me
out from under this blasted seat, will you?
SEAGOON: There you
are, that's it.
FX: Metal
clanging.
SEAGOON: There. I'm a
tenor, you know?
BLOODNOK: The tenor's
friend.
SEAGOON: Yes. My name
is Ned Seagoon
BLOODNOK: Ned Seagoon?
Well well well, what a coincidence! Seagoon! Yes of course, I remember. Didn't
your father have a son?
SEAGOON: Oh I never...
I never asked him about his private affairs
BLOODNOK: Seagoon, of
course, of course, yes! I knew your father before you were born.
SEAGOON: I didn't.
BLOODNOK: I wish you
had, things might have been different. And, er, tell me, er, he left you er,
all right did he?
SEAGOON: Oh yes, I
need never want
BLOODNOK: Splendid,
splendid! Yes, yes lad! You know I always remember the look in your father's
eyes when I lent him the money.
SEAGOON: What money?
BLOODNOK: Oh, laddie,
there's no need for you to pay your father's debts, I won't hear of it! I mean,
what's £20?
SEAGOON: £20?
BLOODNOK: Oh don't
worry about it lad, it will do in a moment, I'm in no rush.
SEAGOON: But I only
brought a few pounds with me.
BLOODNOK: Well if you
insist I accept.
SEAGOON: But it isn't
really mine to give, this is the reward money for the information regarding the
Yehti.
BLOODNOK: Murgle me
rogers! You couldn't have come to a better man. I used to go to school with a
Yehti.
SEAGOON: Yes? Good,
good. Now tell me, are they tall and shaggy or squat with smooth skin?
BLOODNOK: Yes they are.
SEAGOON: Oh, and they
walk upright like humans and have the powers of telepathy and in actual fact
they are the missing link, the step from animals to man in one direction while
in another far higher in intelligence and having the ability to possess one's
mind.
BLOODNOK: Is there any
more information I can give you?
SEAGOON: Thank you,
thank you no. You've given me enough to work on, indeed! Well here's the money
and thanks once more. Now, there's just one more question
BLOODNOK: Oh?
SEAGOON: Where can I
find this Yehti?
BLOODNOK: Well, before
I answer that question I think, um, another couple?
SEAGOON: Oh yes, yes. Here
you are.
BLOODNOK: Thank you.
SEAGOON: Now where can
I find this Yehti?
BLOODNOK: I've no idea.
SEAGOON: But I've just
given you some money.
BLOODNOK: For
information regarding the whereabouts of the Yehti you must get off... Here!
SEAGOON: Wait!
FX: Train door
opens.
GRAMS: Train Whistle
moving closer.
SEAGOON: Aaaaaah!
GRAMS: Train passes.
SEAGOON: I was left in
the pitch dark of the Yorkshire Moors. I was just about to run after the train
when I felt a hand on my arm.
ECCLES: Hallo. Did
you hear that, I got the sausages! I got the sausages! I'll tell Bluebottle.
SEAGOON: Eccles! What
are you doing here?
ECCLES: Same as you,
waiting for Ray Ellington and his Quartet. That's a good introduction isn't it?
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET - 'Make
Yourself Comfortable' ...segues into... 'Ready, Willing and Able'
SEAGOON: Ahh that's
better. Now Eccles, will you help me to find this Yehti?
ECCLES: How do we
find it?
SEAGOON: We have to
find his tracks first. That shouldn't be difficult, they're about 18 inches
long and 10 inches wide.
ECCLES: Oh, nearly as
big as mine.
SEAGOON: We start at
once.
ECCLES: Mr. Seagoon,
can I bring a friend?
SEAGOON: Friend?
There's only one thing that can befriend Eccles and that is... A Yehti! As
casually as I could I asked him. He's not about 12 feet tall with hair all over
him, is he?
BLUEBOTTLE: No I'm not.
Enter Bluebottle with a smile and a song. Stands waist deep in snow, smiles
grimly, jabs alpen-stock into snow... Ooh my foot!
ECCLES: This is my
friend.
BLUEBOTTLE: Hello Eccles.
ECCLES: Hello
Bluebottle.
BLUEBOTTLE: Here we are
again, this time on the Yorkshire Moors. Thinks, Here we are again, this time
on the Yorkshire Moors.
SEAGOON: Now listen to
me, icicle pants. Are you willing to join us on the search for the Yehti?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, my
Capitan, I will join you. And Eccles will join us too, won't you Eccles?
Forward! Moves forward, but feet are frozen to ground. Falls flat on face.
Pretends to be examining track.
SEAGOON: And so we
planned our search for Yehti tracks. After long discussion we decided that the
best place to look... was in the snow. Our search commenced.
BLUEBOTTLE: I say,
Eccles?
ECCLES: Yeah?
BLUEBOTTLE: How's your
little pussycat getting on?
ECCLES: Fine, fine!
It just had 6 puppies.
BLUEBOTTLE: Could I have
one, Eccles? I'll feed them and see no one touches them for you. I will
treasure it, I will.
ECCLES: Okay then,
you can have two of them.
BLUEBOTTLE: Tee-hee! Two
little bow-wows. Do you know what I will call them? I will call them Mick and
Pat.
ECCLES: Ooh, Mick and
Pat! Hi Ho hum! I know a story about Mick and Pat.
BLUEBOTTLE: So do I [both
laugh]
SEAGOON: Eccles,
Bluebottle, what's that?
BLUEBOTTLE: Well you see,
Mick goes to the doctors.
SEAGOON: No no, look!
Yehti tracks!
Eccles and BLUEBOTTLE:
Oooh!
ORCHESTRA: Sinister
Chord.
SEAGOON: Those tracks
led us to a disused farm house. The door was closed. It only remained for
someone to go in and capture the Yehti.
Eccles and BLUEBOTTLE: [Panicking]
SEAGOON: No, wait.
Don't worry, I'll go. But first, I want you to do something Eccles.
ECCLES: Yeah?
SEAGOON: Just nip
inside and see if the coast is clear.
ECCLES: Okay. That's
if we all go in together.
SEAGOON: Oh, we'll
search the house. Leave the door open so we can dash out if need be.
FX: Door creaks
open and slams shut.
ORCHESTRA: Scary Chord.
SEAGOON: I said don't
close the door.
ECCLES: I didn't
close it.
BLUEBOTTLE: I didn't as
well. I don't like this game, I want to go back to
SEAGOON: We must try
another way out.
FX: Seagoon
rattling the door, which opens.
GRAMS: Sheep baaing
loudly.
FX: Door slams
shut.
SEAGOON: Curse it!
More sheep.
ECCLES: Where?
SEAGOON: In that room.
Didn't you hear them?
Eccles and BLUEBOTTLE: No.
SEAGOON: You must have
done, listen again.
FX: Door Opens,
long silence.
ECCLES: Oh yeah, I
can hear them now.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, so can
I, I can really hear them, lots of sheepies.
FX: Door shuts.
SEAGOON: But they
weren't there that time. They weren't there, understand? I know, they've moved
in to another room. That's it! They must be in here.
FX: Door Opens.
GRAMS: Sounds of
smashing glass.
FX: Door shuts.
SEAGOON: No, that
room's empty as well.
ECCLES: Let's try
this room here.
SEAGOON: Right.
FX: Door opens.
SEAGOON: Whoops!
Sorry!
GREENSLADE: I should
think so, too!
FX: Door Shuts.
SEAGOON: Old
Greenslade having a bath. Fancy meeting him. It couldn't be! Eccles, you open
that door and tell me if I'm seeing things.
ECCLES: Okay.
FX: Door opens.
GRAMS: Donkey brays,
then farts.
FX: Door slams
shut.
SEAGOON: Who was that?
ECCLES: Fred the
Oyster!
SEAGOON: Thank
Heavens.
ECCLES: Look, look,
this door, it's marked 'Eccles'.
SEAGOON: So it is.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ooh you lucky
thing Eccles. Your name on the door! Yee-hee! Are you going to go in?
ECCLES: Well, um,
yeah. Good-bye fellows.
SEAGOON: Good luck,
laddie.
FX: Door Opens
and closes. Eccles enters.
ECCLES: Well... hello
girls! Ho-hum! Thank you. Yeah, I'll have a piece of that chicken, yeah. Thank
you, thank you, and a bunch of grapes. Yeah... oh girls! Girls, girls! Ooh!
It's good to be alive!
BLUEBOTTLE: Ooh, I wish I
had a door with my name on it like that. Thinks: Eccles is a happy-go-lucky
lad.
SEAGOON: Bluebottle,
look! Bluebottle, this door has your name on it
BLUEBOTTLE: Has it?
SEAGOON: Yes.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh yes. B L E
N ... T M... Blumbintle. Yes, it has. Wipes mouth with shirt tail and prepares
to enter for the good things of life. Speaks, Good-bye Mr. Seagoon, I hope that
there will be a door for you too. Enters own door.
FX: Door opens
and closes, Bluebottle enters.
GRAMS: Explosion,
rubble and masonry falling.
GREENSLADE: And there we
must leave the Goon Show for another...
SEAGOON: No no wait,
you can't leave me alone in this house with a Yehti. Help! You can't leave me.
Let's have a happy end, Greenslade. Greenslade? Wally?
GREENSLADE: All right,
don't fuss...
SEAGOON: Where's the
door marked 'Seagoon'? Bluebottle's door, Eccles's door what's this one?
[Gulps] 'The Yehti'. What should I do? If I could capture it all my troubles
would be over. But how? How can I find a crate big enough? Wait a minute, quick
as a flash I had the answer. It was simple, lock the door...
FX: Key turns in
door.
SEAGOON: ...and take
the room to
ORCHESTRA: Travelling
link type chord!
SOCIETY
MEMBER:
Gentlemen of the East Acton Geographical Society, it's two weeks now and still
no word from Neddie about this Yehti...
FX: Knocking on
door.
SOCIETY
MEMBER:
Come in.
FX: Door Opens.
SOCIETY
MEMBER:
Well well well, we were just talking about you.
SEAGOON: Well, I've
got it. A Yehti. Help me to get this room in here.
SOCIETY
MEMBER:
Is the Yehti in there?
SEAGOON: Yes, he's in
there.
SOCIETY
MEMBER:
Don't bother to bring the room in, we'll come out.
SEAGOON: Right. Well,
here it is. Now stand well back gentlemen, he may be armed.
FX: Key turns in
lock.
SEAGOON: Now when I
fling this door open be ready to grab him. Right!
FX: Door Slams
Open.
GRAMS: Train
whistle!
SEAGOON: Aaaaaaah!
ORCHESTRA: End Theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the
Goon Show, a recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike
Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was
conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer
Wallace Greenslade, the program produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA: Play Out
music