1ST BROADCAST: 1 Mar 1955


Script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes


GREENSLADE: This is the BBC.

GRYTPYPE: Oh dear.

GREENSLADE: This is Wallace Greenslade speaking, with a few handy hints for new radio listeners. If at any time during the following half hour you should hear this sound…

FX: Door opens.

GREENSLADE: …it means that someone has opened a door. And should you hear this

FX: Door opens smartly.


GREENSLADE: …it means the picture we’re trying to convey is that someone has entered the room, and…

SECOMBE: Goodbye!

FX: Door closes smartly.

GREENSLADE: This not only means that he has left but is also the signal for applause. And now for a rather tricky one –

FX: Pistol shot.

SECOMBE: Oh! I’m dead.

GREENSLADE: D’you get the idea? The man is obviously shot but not, as he proclaimed, dead. We are unfortunately not allowed to do this and whenever possible we aim for the legs.

SEAGOON: So out with your shotguns and take the aim here. It’s time for the highly esteemed Goon Show.

GRAMS: Massed cheering.


GRAMS: Cut off smartly.

SEAGOON: Thank you. Ha hum. Greenslade?


SEAGOON: Unscrew those astrakhan corsets and give them the old posh chat there Wal.

GREENSLADE: Lindies and jogglepiks, tonight the goons present ‘The Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street.’

ORCHESTRA: Criminal Investigation Theme.

SELLERS: Last night during the hours of march the tenth and Friday, one of the cleverest robberies in the history of crime was carried out in the Bank of England. Among the missing articles were six gold bars, the manager and his assistant.

ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link. Segue into harp glissandos.

FX: Cup and saucers rattling.

MORIARTY: (Sings) ‘April in Paris, chestnuts in blossom’…Ah, that was wonderful Grytpype. Beautiful grapefruit, seven lovely golden eggs, delicious crisp bacon – the type we had before the war. Then there was that toast – wonderful, and an equuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuisite cuff of coppee.

GRYTPYPE: Why can’t you wait? We shall be having breakfast in a moment.

MORIARTY: I never eat breakfast!

GRYTPYPE: Well try some food. By the way Moriarty, have you seen the newspaper?

MORIARTY: Yes. I saw it last week I did.

GRYTPYPE: Well with my usual contempt for money I bought a new one this morning.

MORIARTY: But why? We still have two pages of the old one left.

GRYTPYPE: As an ex bank manager I must keep abreast of the times you understand…

MORIARTY: What new trickery is this?

GRYTPYPE: … and according to this paper it credits us with having taken six bars of gold. You told me you’d only managed to get five.

MORIARTY: Ha hum. Haheeehooohumha! I must have miscounted, yes.

FX: Bars clanking

MORIARTY: One, two, three, four and erm is funft. You see I was right. Five bars of gold.

GRYTPYPE: This little revolver of mine says six!

MORIARTY: What! Sapristi nukkabukkakas. Are you going to take the word of a little revolver against mine?

GRYTPYPE: Six bars of gold!


FX: Pistol shot.

MORIARTY: Ahhhh! Sapristi perpendicular! Do you realize man I would have been killed if that bullet hadn’t struck that gold bar in my vest pocket?!

GRYTPYPE: I must practice. I aimed for your foot.

MORIARTY: Oh yes, and talking of feet, we must smuggle this gold out of the country before the police get onto our tracks. The question is how?

GRYTPYPE: Perfectly simple. The gold will be made into musical instruments and then a very new two piece brass band will leave on a world tour.

MORIARTY: Oh! C’est brilliant!

FX: Hammering on door.

MORIARTY: Quick, hide these five bars of gold…


MORIARTY: Uh hum, yes six. Voila, er, entrez!

FX: Door opens.

SEAGOON: Good morning gentlemen. My name is Detective Inspector Ned Seagoon.

MORIARTY: Non-du-nome, yukkabukkakka! Someone has blundered. Inspector, last night at the time of the Bank of England robbery I was a re-union dinner in Manchester

GRYTPYPE: While I was in south America.

MORIARTY: I can prove that. I was with him. I tell you we know nothing at all about the five bars of gold…


MORIARTY: That’s right, three each.

SEAGOON: I don’t wish to know that.

MORIARTY: Then what do you wish to know?
SEAGOON: I’m collecting for the police ball.

GRYTPYPE: Good heavens. Well, why didn’t you say so at first. Moriarty my dear chap, cut him down.

FX: Knife sawing through rope. Body falls to floor.

SEAGOON: Ooouh! Thank you. Now, if you wouldn’t mind donating a small….

GRYTPYPE: Here’s a shilling Inspector.

SEAGOON: Thank you very much. It’ll be a grand ball you know, a grand ball. I’m the Emcee. I’ll have a big rosette with Emcee on it you know. I’ll get them going. (As M.C.) The next dance will be a Saint Bernard’s Waltz. (Hums “When You are in Love.”) Keep moving there! I can just see me…No jiving in the middle. Clear the floor! Ah ha ha! Take your partners for the Loving Waltz. (Sings) “When you are in love it’s the loveliest night of the year…”
GRYTPYPE: Greenslade?


GREENSLADE: You silly twisted boy you.

FX: Knock on door.

SEAGOON: Come in.

FX: Door opens.

SEAGOON: Well, if it isn’t a police sergeant!

GRAMS: Massed cheering.


GRAMS: Cuts off smartly.

THROAT: Message.

SEAGOON: For me?


THROAT: Right.

FX: Door shuts.

SEAGOON: (Calls after him.) Don’t be late for choir practice.

GRYTPYPE: What’s the message?
SEAGOON: Yes,  this is going to tricky. It’s in writing. Good Lord! There’s been a robbery at the bank of England! Ha ha ha. They won’t get far. All the ports are watched you know. All the ports are watched. No-one will be able to leave the country without Inspector Ned’s approval you know. Ha ha ha. I’ll solve the case here. I’ll start at the bank and trace them from there. I’ll catch them, and then when I’m emceeing at the ball… (giggling more and more hysterically) ) they’ll point me out and say, “That’s him! That’s the man who caught the Bank of England robbers!”  (Self fade) That’s him….

GRYTPYPE: Moriarty. This is the charlie who’s going to see us through the police cordon.


GRYTPYPE: I’ll explain. Go into that room (self fade) and put on that thing because I want…


FX: Door closes.

SEAGOON: Ah, a grand job. Then he’ll offer me the Chief Constabulary and a medal and when I get to the palace I’ll go right up…

GRYTPYPE: Neddie…By jove, you’ve got an interesting hand.

SEAGOON: Hehehehe. It’s nothing. Just a continuation of the arm really.

GRYTPYPE: D’you know, Madame Fredda would love to read your hand, and luckily she’s in this room here.

FX: Door opens and closes.

MORIARTY: Ahhhh!...(In a fake gypsy accent.) Ahhhh, a client. Please sit down. Ah, I see by your hand that you are a policeman.

SEAGOON: How can you tell?

MORIARTY: You’re holding a truncheon. And yes…yes, you have a very strong head line, and…oh, what’s this lump?
SEAGOON: My elbow.

MORIARTY: It is a long head line! Now let me see. Ah, yes, yes. You are a great band leader.

SEAGOON: Oh! Oh really? (Giggling.) I have great talent you know, and I know all about music and I’m very, very musical –really I am. I’m emceeing at the police ball and…you know, you’re absolutely marvelous, you really are!

MORIARTY: Now listen Charlie. Listen little Charlie. Now if ever you are offered a job as a band leader with the opportunity to travel abroad, take it. You are a brilliant musician. Now close the door, good day.

FX: Door closes.

SEAGOON: You know, she’s very good. She’s absolutely first class.

GRYTPYPE: Ah Neddie. Neddie, er do you know a band leader who could take a two piece band abroad?

SEAGOON: Band leader?

GRYTPYPE: Do you know one?

SEAGOON: Well I, err…

GRYTPYPE: Sign here please. We leave as soon as the instruments are ready.

SEAGOON: Done! Well, I’ll just clean up the gold robbery then I’ll be back.

GRYTPYPE: Wonderful, wonderful. Before you go, err “Maestro’, would you like to conduct Max Geldray?
SEAGOON: Oh - heavens.


SEAGOON: All together chaps.




GREENSLADE: The Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street part two, or the Two Ingots of Leadenhall Street part six, whichever you like, I don’t care. Mr. Grytpype-Thynne has sent Herr Moriarty with the six gold bars to a smelting shop and now they’re about to be melted down. Goodbye.

GRAMS: Bubbling liquid. Continue under.

CRUN: Errrrrm….errrrrm….erm…Steady does it Minnie.

BANNISTER: Yes, steady does it Henry.

CRUN: Into the saxophone mould Minnie.

GRAMS: Suction sound. Bubbling liquid continues under.

BANNISTER: How’s that Henry?
CRUN: No, no. Not you Minnie. The gold bars.

BANNISTER: I’m sorry about that Henry.

GRAMS: Sharp burst of steam.

FX: Telephone rings.

BANNISTER: The phone Henry. The talking telephone.

CRUN: I’ll get it baby.

BANNISTER: Ok buddy.

FX: Telephone picks up.

CRUN: Hello? Oh yes. Mr. Grytpype-Thynne. Yes. Count Moriarty delivered the five bars of gold. What? Oh, well he only gave me five. Goodbye.

FX: Phone down.

BANNISTER: Who was that on the phone Henry?
CRUN: It was me Minnie.

BANNISTER: I thought I recognized the voice.

CRUN: There’s no honour among thieves,

BANNISTER: You can’t get the wood you know.

CRUN: I told him that Moriarty only left four bars.

BANNISTER: Four? Oh. Henry – naughty, you said five buddy.

CRUN: Oh, no no no. No, it was four Min.

BANNISTER: Oh no no no Henry. It was five. Count Moriarty put five bars of gold on the counter buddy.

CRUN: No, no. You’re being silly Min. It was definitely four. I can count as well as the next man Minnie, don’t…

BANNISTER: Henry, you’re trying to double cross me buddy.

CRUN: Diddle piddle pooh.

CRUN & BANNISTER: (Argument)

FX: Bits and pieces of rubbish start clattering.

GRAMS: Bring in bugle; sounds of massed artillery fire; cavalry charge; shelling. Gradually build up. Intersperse excerpt from Von Suppe’s ‘Light Cavalry Overture’.  Fade out, bring back in sounds of battle. Gradually diminish. Over it all Crun & Bannister still arguing.

FX: Occasional bits and pieces of rubbish falling to floor. Finish with small pile of cymbals falling.

BANNISTER: I love you Henry.

CRUN: I love you Minnie.

FX: Knock at door.


GREENSLADE: Ahem. Pardon me. Meanwhile at Scotland Yard Inspector Ned Seagoon was completely baffled.

FX: Door closes.

SEAGOON: Yes. Ahem. After ceaseless questioning and reading several newspapers I discovered that it was the Bank of England which had been robbed! (Giggles.) Then I got a summons from my chief.

ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme.

BLOODNOK: Ohhhhhhh. Seagoon. Now listen very, very carefully. I have personally promised the home secretary I shall have an arrest within the week. Will you help me?

SEAGOON: Scout’s honour.

BLOODNOK: Splendid. Splendid. Yes. Now, just put on this prisoner’s uniform –


BLOODNOK: Good. Good. Good. Good. Now this three days growth of beard. Splendid! Splendid! Now just sign this confession… Excellent lad. Excellent. Now hold these six imitation gold bars. Got them?

BLOODNOK: Right. Wonderful. Now, wait here.

FX: Door opens and closes. Door re-opens.

BLOODNOK: Sergeant, arrest that man!

SEAGOON: Wait! Wait! Major Bloodnok. I dressed up to help you.

BLOODNOK: A likely story! Take him away Sergeant.

SEAGOON: I won’t do it. I won’t. I’ll hide away. You’ll never find me. Goodbye.

GRAMS: Whoosh

FX: Door closes.

GRAMS: Massed cheering.

GREENSLADE: Stop! Owing to the fact that Ned Seagoon is hurrying around to Mr. Grytpype-Thynne’s, he’s asked to me to say ‘thank you.’

FX: Knocking.

GRYTPYPE: Come in.

FX: Door opening.

GRYTPYPE: Well, if it isn’t Inspector Ned Seagoon.

GRAMS: Massed cheering.

SEAGOON: (Over) Thank you! Ha ha! Thank you! (Frightened) Mr. Thynne you must help me. The police will be after me soon. They want me to take the blame for the gold robbery. You must hide me! Tell them that on the night of the robbery I was with you in Aberdeen.

GRYTPYPE: Are you trying to make me dishonest?

SEAGOON: But I’m innocent I tell you – I’m innocent!

FX: Knocking

GRYTPYPE: Oh. This may be the messenger with the gold…ahem…with the heavy brass instruments.

FX: Door opening.

ECCLES: Hallo.

GRYTPYPE: Who are you?

ECCLES: Oh, I’m the famous Eccles. And here’s the instruments.

GRYTPYPE: Is this all there is?

ECCLES: Yep. Would you like me to play it.

SEAGOON: Oh yes please.

ECCLES: Ok. Listen.

FX: Tiny little triangle. Single stroke.

Eccles & SEAGOON: Idiot laughter.

SEAGOON: Let me try. Let me try. Listen.

FX: Tiny little triangle. Another single stroke.

Eccles & SEAGOON: Idiot laughter.

ECCLES: ‘Ere ‘ere ‘ere! Let me try. Listen. Watch this.

FX: Tiny little triangle. Multiple strokes.

Eccles & SEAGOON: Idiot laughter.

SEAGOON: My turn. My turn. Listen.

FX: Tiny little triangle. Multiple strokes.

Eccles & SEAGOON: Idiot laughter.

ECCLES: Oooo! Ooooo! It’s good to be alive. Here give me the stick. I’ll do it again.

GRYTPYPE: Alright! Alright! That’s enough. Now give that to me. There…

FX: Short sharp tap on triangle.

Eccles & SEAGOON: Idiot laughter.

ECCLES: You’re clever.

SEAGOON: You’re the best.

ECCLES: You’re the best.

SEAGOON: You’re the best Mr. Thynne.

GRYTPYPE: One moment! There’s some discrepancy here. Six gold bars go to the smelting works,  one gold triangle comes back.

ECCLES: Ooooo! Gold? Let’s hear it again.

FX: Tiny little triangle. Single stroke.

ECCLES: That’s rich!

SEAGOON: Idiot laughter.

ECCLES: ‘Ere ‘ere ‘ere. I’ll tell you what. You go in the room and see how it sounds in there.

SEAGOON: Oh yes yes. Come along Mr. Thynne.

FX: Door opens and closes.

SEAGOON: This is very fun. We’ll have to listen very carefully you know.

ECCLES: (Off) Are you ready?


ECCLES: Listen.

FX: Door knob rattles. Door slams shut.

SEAGOON: Mmm. I don’t think that was it.

GRYTPYPE: No! It sounded more like a door closing.

SEAGOON: Door closing?!

GRYTPYPE: Don’t worry. He can’t get far. I’ve got the…

FX: Telephone rings. Phone picks up.

GREENSLADE: (French, at end of telephone) Personal call from Paris. You’re through caller.

ECCLES: (At end of telephone line.) Hello.


ECCLES: Listen.

FX: Tiny little triangle amplified. Single stroke.

GRYTPYPE: Curses! Well, we still have Ray Ellington.

SEAGOON: That’s no compensation.




GREENSLADE: Why, if it isn’t the Six Gold Ingots of Leadenhall Street part four or the Four Gold Ingots of Leadenhall Street part six, whichever you like – I don’t care.

GRAMS: Various fire engine bells, fire alarms, police alarms, speeding vehicles  etc. Fade under.

MILLIGAN: (Police radio.) Calling all cars. Car number forty?

SELLERS: (Through tannoy.) Roger.

MILLIGAN: Car forty-one?
SELLERS: (Through tannoy.) Roger.

MILLIGAN: Car forty-two?
SELLERS: (Through tannoy.) Fred.

MILLIGAN: Car forty-three?

MILLIGAN: Car forty-three?
BLUEBOTTLE: (Through tannoy.) Tee hee hee.

MILLIGAN: Car forty-three?!

BLUEBOTTLE: (Through tannoy.) I’m not telling you. So enters ‘Fabian’ Bluebottles of the Yard. I’m out to bring in Neddie Seagoon dead or alive. Nee hee hee heen!

MILLIGAN: Are you car forty-three?

BLUEBOTTLE: (Through tannoy.) Before I tell you, here are my special terms that you got to agree to. I must not be nutted, I must not be blowed up, and I must be at the front if there’s any sausinges. Signed ‘Bluebottle.’

MILLIGAN: Very well. Now are you car number forty-three?

BLUEBOTTLE: (Through tannoy.) No! Nee hee hee hee! You know what I am? I am cardboard bicycle number one. Hee hee! Pedals off towards Sydney Street where my Capitan is hiding.

SEAGOON: Yes. As I peeked through the lace windows of my overcoat I saw the police were looking for us. Ha ha ha! But they’ll never find us here.

GRYTPYPE: Silly boy. Where else can they find us?

FX: Knock on door. (Continue under.)

ELLINGTON: (Off) Hey! Open up! Open up in the name of de law!

FX: Door opens.

SEAGOON: How did they know I was here?
ELLINGTON: You left a forwarding address at the yard.

SEAGOON: Curse! It’s the little things that give you away.

GRYTPYPE: Well they won’t take me. Get to that window.

FX: Pistol shots.

SEAGOON: And so started the siege of Sydney Street. Next day the police called in the army.

GRAMS: Massed rifle fire. Fades under.

FX: Knock at door. Door opens.

WILLIUM: Excuse me sir.

SEAGOON: Yes constable?
WILLIUM: Is that your car in the street?


WILLIUM: You’ll have to put some lights on it mate. It’s dusk you know. (Low) I say, alright for bullets are you?

SEAGOON: Yes thank you.

WILLIUM: Right. Keep the old head down then. Cheerio mate.

GRAMS: Crescendo rifle fire. Fade under.

GRYTPYPE: Ellington? Take off your police uniform. I want you to join us for the next gag.


GRYTPYPE: It’s getting dark and I’d like you to keep guard so go outside that door and don’t come back here till dawn.


FX: Door opens and closes.

GRAMS: Burst of rifle fire.

FX: (Over.) Pistol shots.

FX: Door hurriedly opens.

ELLINGTON: Morning everybody!

SEAGOON: It’s no good Grytpype. We’ve got to get out of here tonight.

SEAGOON: The rent’s due tomorrow.

BLUEBOTTLE: Stop in the name of the law.

SEAGOON: Well look who it is. If it isn’t BLUEBOTTLE!

GRAMS: Massed hysterical applause.


GRAMS: Suddenly stops.

BLUEBOTTLE: Thank you Dad. Second entrance ‘Siege of Sydeny Street’  - time, two hours later. Starts to act. If you don’t come out by the time I count ten I will throw a bomb up into your window. (Very fast.) Onetwothreefourfivesix…

SEAGOON: Give us a chance to get out!

BLUEBOTTLE: No. I want you to know what it feels like to be deaded every week. Tee hee hee! Seveneightnineten…hup…Ooh! I missed.

GREENSLADE: It’s fairly widely known that an object thrown high into the air is forced by circumstances beyond our control to return to earth, therefore….

GRAMS: Massive explosion, followed by falling debris.

BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten swines you! You have…No. Wait a minute. Feels both knee caps. Sees feet in usual position. I’m not deaded this week!  Hee hee hee! Thinks, ‘I’m a happy go lucky lad…’

GREENSLADE: You little fool. You’ve gone and deaded the cast and now we can’t do the end.

BLUEBOTTLE: Oh. How does it end Mister Grinslinds?

GREENSLADE: Oh, I don’t care at all…actually we had a beautiful dramatic ending where the long man of Wilmington came forward of his Arab coloured chart and Grytpype-Thynne redeemed himself in the eyes of the singing dervish.

BLUEBOTTLE: Oooh. Can’t we act it?

GREENSLADE: Oh don’t be absurd. What can two of us possibly do?

GRAMS: Foxtrot with Alto Saxophone lead.

FX: Clink of glasses.

BLUEBOTTLE: Do you come here often?

GREENSLADE: Only during the mating season.

BLUEBOTTLE: Tee hee hee!

ORCHESTRA: Theme up, fade under.

GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter 
Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The Orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton. 
ORCHESTRA: Up and out.