GOON SHOW TLO 73044
5TH SERIES: NO 23
1ST BROADCAST: 1 Mar 1955
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC.
GRYTPYPE: Oh dear.
GREENSLADE: This is Wallace Greenslade
speaking, with a few handy hints for new radio listeners. If at any time during
the following half hour you should hear this sound…
FX: Door
opens.
GREENSLADE: …it means that someone has opened a
door. And should you hear this –
FX: Door
opens smartly.
SECOMBE: Hello!
GREENSLADE: …it means the picture we’re trying
to convey is that someone has entered the room, and…
SECOMBE: Goodbye!
FX: Door
closes smartly.
GREENSLADE: This not only means that he has
left but is also the signal for applause. And now for a rather tricky one –
FX: Pistol
shot.
SECOMBE: Oh! I’m dead.
GREENSLADE: D’you get the idea? The man is
obviously shot but not, as he proclaimed, dead. We are unfortunately not
allowed to do this and whenever possible we aim for the legs.
SEAGOON: So out with your shotguns and take
the aim here. It’s time for the highly esteemed Goon Show.
GRAMS: Massed cheering.
SEAGOON: Stop!
GRAMS: Cut off smartly.
SEAGOON: Thank you. Ha hum. Greenslade?
GREENSLADE: Sir?
SEAGOON: Unscrew those astrakhan corsets and
give them the old posh chat there Wal.
GREENSLADE: Lindies and jogglepiks, tonight the
goons present ‘The Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street.’
ORCHESTRA: Criminal Investigation Theme.
SELLERS: Last night during the hours of
march the tenth and Friday, one of the cleverest robberies in the history of
crime was carried out in the Bank of England. Among the missing articles were
six gold bars, the manager and his assistant.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link. Segue into harp glissandos.
FX: Cup
and saucers rattling.
MORIARTY: (Sings)
‘April in
GRYTPYPE: Why can’t you wait? We shall be having
breakfast in a moment.
MORIARTY: I never eat breakfast!
GRYTPYPE: Well try some
food. By the way Moriarty, have you seen the newspaper?
MORIARTY: Yes. I saw it
last week I did.
GRYTPYPE: Well with my
usual contempt for money I bought a new one this morning.
MORIARTY: But why? We
still have two pages of the old one left.
GRYTPYPE: As an ex bank
manager I must keep abreast of the times you understand…
MORIARTY: What new
trickery is this?
GRYTPYPE: … and according
to this paper it credits us with having taken six bars of gold. You told me
you’d only managed to get five.
MORIARTY: Ha hum.
Haheeehooohumha! I must have miscounted, yes.
FX: Bars clanking
MORIARTY: One, two, three,
four and erm is funft. You see I was right. Five bars of gold.
GRYTPYPE: This little
revolver of mine says six!
MORIARTY: What! Sapristi nukkabukkakas.
Are you going to take the word of a little revolver against mine?
GRYTPYPE: Six bars of
gold!
MORIARTY: Five!
FX: Pistol shot.
MORIARTY: Ahhhh! Sapristi
perpendicular! Do you realize man I would have been killed if that bullet
hadn’t struck that gold bar in my vest pocket?!
GRYTPYPE: I must practice.
I aimed for your foot.
MORIARTY: Oh yes, and
talking of feet, we must smuggle this gold out of the country before the police
get onto our tracks. The question is how?
GRYTPYPE: Perfectly
simple. The gold will be made into musical instruments and then a very new two
piece brass band will leave on a world tour.
MORIARTY: Oh! C’est
brilliant!
FX: Hammering on door.
MORIARTY: Quick, hide
these five bars of gold…
GRYTPYPE: Six!
MORIARTY: Uh hum, yes six.
Voila, er, entrez!
FX: Door opens.
SEAGOON: Good morning
gentlemen. My name is Detective Inspector Ned Seagoon.
MORIARTY: Non-du-nome,
yukkabukkakka! Someone has blundered. Inspector, last night at the time of the
Bank of England robbery I was a re-union dinner in
GRYTPYPE: While I was in
south America.
MORIARTY: I can prove
that. I was with him. I tell you we know nothing at all about the five bars of
gold…
GRYTPYPE: Six!
MORIARTY: That’s right,
three each.
SEAGOON: I don’t wish to
know that.
MORIARTY: Then what do you
wish to know?
SEAGOON: I’m collecting for the
police ball.
GRYTPYPE: Good heavens.
Well, why didn’t you say so at first. Moriarty my dear chap, cut him down.
FX: Knife sawing through rope. Body falls to
floor.
SEAGOON: Ooouh! Thank
you. Now, if you wouldn’t mind donating a small….
GRYTPYPE: Here’s a
shilling Inspector.
SEAGOON: Thank you very
much. It’ll be a grand ball you know, a grand ball. I’m the Emcee. I’ll have a
big rosette with Emcee on it you know. I’ll get them going. (As M.C.) The next dance will be a Saint
Bernard’s Waltz. (Hums “When You are in
Love.”) Keep moving there! I can just see me…No jiving in the middle. Clear
the floor! Ah ha ha! Take your partners for the Loving Waltz. (Sings) “When you are in love it’s the
loveliest night of the year…”
GRYTPYPE: Greenslade?
GREENSLADE: May I?!
GRYTPYPE: Yes.
GREENSLADE: You silly
twisted boy you.
FX: Knock on door.
SEAGOON: Come in.
FX: Door opens.
SEAGOON: Well, if it
isn’t a police sergeant!
GRAMS: Massed cheering.
SEAGOON: Stop!
GRAMS: Cuts off smartly.
THROAT: Message.
SEAGOON: For me?
THROAT: Yes.
SEAGOON: Good.
THROAT: Right.
FX: Door shuts.
SEAGOON: (Calls after him.) Don’t be late for
choir practice.
GRYTPYPE: What’s the
message?
SEAGOON: Yes, this is going to tricky. It’s in writing. Good
Lord! There’s been a robbery at the bank of
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty. This
is the charlie who’s going to see us through the police cordon.
MORIARTY: How?
GRYTPYPE: I’ll explain.
Go into that room (self fade) and put
on that thing because I want…
MORIARTY: Right.
FX: Door closes.
SEAGOON: Ah, a grand
job. Then he’ll offer me the Chief Constabulary and a medal and when I get to
the palace I’ll go right up…
GRYTPYPE: Neddie…By
jove, you’ve got an interesting hand.
SEAGOON: Hehehehe. It’s
nothing. Just a continuation of the arm really.
GRYTPYPE: D’you know,
Madame Fredda would love to read your hand, and luckily she’s in this room
here.
FX: Door opens and closes.
MORIARTY: Ahhhh!...(In a fake gypsy accent.) Ahhhh, a
client. Please sit down. Ah, I see by your hand that you are a policeman.
SEAGOON: How can you
tell?
MORIARTY: You’re holding
a truncheon. And yes…yes, you have a very strong head line, and…oh, what’s this
lump?
SEAGOON: My elbow.
MORIARTY: It is a long
head line! Now let me see. Ah, yes, yes. You are a great band leader.
SEAGOON: Oh! Oh really?
(Giggling.) I have great talent you
know, and I know all about music and I’m very, very musical –really I am. I’m
emceeing at the police ball and…you know, you’re absolutely marvelous, you
really are!
MORIARTY: Now listen Charlie.
Listen little Charlie. Now if ever you are offered a job as a band leader with
the opportunity to travel abroad, take it. You are a brilliant musician. Now
close the door, good day.
FX: Door closes.
SEAGOON: You know,
she’s very good. She’s absolutely first class.
GRYTPYPE: Ah Neddie. Neddie,
er do you know a band leader who could take a two piece band abroad?
SEAGOON: Band leader?
GRYTPYPE: Do you know
one?
SEAGOON: Well I, err…
GRYTPYPE: Sign here
please. We leave as soon as the instruments are ready.
SEAGOON: Done! Well,
I’ll just clean up the gold robbery then I’ll be back.
GRYTPYPE: Wonderful,
wonderful. Before you go, err “Maestro’, would you like to conduct Max Geldray?
SEAGOON: Oh - heavens.
GRYTPYPE: Good.
SEAGOON: All together
chaps.
MAX
GELDRAY
GREENSLADE: The Six Ingots
of Leadenhall Street part two, or the Two Ingots of Leadenhall Street part six,
whichever you like, I don’t care. Mr. Grytpype-Thynne has sent Herr Moriarty
with the six gold bars to a smelting shop and now they’re about to be melted
down. Goodbye.
GRAMS: Bubbling liquid. Continue under.
CRUN:
Errrrrm….errrrrm….erm…Steady does it Minnie.
BANNISTER: Yes, steady
does it Henry.
CRUN: Into the
saxophone mould Minnie.
GRAMS: Suction sound. Bubbling liquid continues
under.
BANNISTER: How’s that
Henry?
CRUN: No, no. Not you Minnie. The
gold bars.
BANNISTER: I’m sorry
about that Henry.
GRAMS: Sharp burst of steam.
FX: Telephone rings.
BANNISTER: The phone
Henry. The talking telephone.
CRUN: I’ll get it
baby.
BANNISTER: Ok buddy.
FX: Telephone picks up.
CRUN: Hello? Oh yes.
Mr. Grytpype-Thynne. Yes. Count Moriarty delivered the five bars of gold. What?
Oh, well he only gave me five. Goodbye.
FX: Phone down.
BANNISTER: Who was that
on the phone Henry?
CRUN: It was me Minnie.
BANNISTER: I thought I
recognized the voice.
CRUN: There’s no
honour among thieves,
BANNISTER: You can’t get
the wood you know.
CRUN: I told him
that Moriarty only left four bars.
BANNISTER: Four? Oh.
Henry – naughty, you said five buddy.
CRUN: Oh, no no no.
No, it was four Min.
BANNISTER: Oh no no no
Henry. It was five. Count Moriarty put five bars of gold on the counter buddy.
CRUN: No, no. You’re
being silly Min. It was definitely four. I can count as well as the next man
Minnie, don’t…
BANNISTER: Henry, you’re
trying to double cross me buddy.
CRUN: Diddle piddle
pooh.
CRUN & BANNISTER: (Argument)
FX: Bits and pieces of rubbish start clattering.
GRAMS: Bring in bugle; sounds of massed artillery
fire; cavalry charge; shelling. Gradually build up. Intersperse excerpt from
Von Suppe’s ‘Light Cavalry Overture’. Fade out, bring back in sounds of battle.
Gradually diminish. Over it all Crun & Bannister still arguing.
FX: Occasional bits and pieces of rubbish
falling to floor. Finish with small pile of cymbals falling.
BANNISTER: I love you
Henry.
CRUN: I love you
Minnie.
FX: Knock at door.
BANNISTER: Come in.
GREENSLADE: Ahem. Pardon
me. Meanwhile at Scotland Yard Inspector Ned Seagoon was completely baffled.
FX: Door closes.
SEAGOON: Yes. Ahem.
After ceaseless questioning and reading several newspapers I discovered that it
was the Bank of England which had been robbed! (Giggles.) Then I got a summons from my chief.
ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme.
BLOODNOK: Ohhhhhhh. Seagoon.
Now listen very, very carefully. I have personally promised the home secretary
I shall have an arrest within the week. Will you help me?
SEAGOON: Scout’s
honour.
BLOODNOK: Splendid.
Splendid. Yes. Now, just put on this prisoner’s uniform –
SEAGOON: Right.
BLOODNOK: Good. Good.
Good. Good. Now this three days growth of beard. Splendid! Splendid! Now just
sign this confession… Excellent lad. Excellent. Now hold these six imitation
gold bars. Got them?
SEAGOON: Yep.
BLOODNOK: Right.
Wonderful. Now, wait here.
FX: Door opens and closes. Door re-opens.
BLOODNOK: Sergeant,
arrest that man!
SEAGOON: Wait! Wait!
Major Bloodnok. I dressed up to help you.
BLOODNOK: A likely
story! Take him away Sergeant.
SEAGOON: I won’t do it.
I won’t. I’ll hide away. You’ll never find me. Goodbye.
GRAMS: Whoosh
FX: Door closes.
GRAMS: Massed
cheering.
GREENSLADE: Stop! Owing to
the fact that Ned Seagoon is hurrying around to Mr. Grytpype-Thynne’s, he’s
asked to me to say ‘thank you.’
FX: Knocking.
GRYTPYPE: Come in.
FX: Door opening.
GRYTPYPE: Well, if it
isn’t Inspector Ned Seagoon.
GRAMS: Massed
cheering.
SEAGOON: (Over) Thank you! Ha ha! Thank you! (Frightened) Mr. Thynne you must help
me. The police will be after me soon. They want me to take the blame for the
gold robbery. You must hide me! Tell them that on the night of the robbery I
was with you in
GRYTPYPE: Are you trying
to make me dishonest?
SEAGOON: But I’m
innocent I tell you – I’m innocent!
FX: Knocking
GRYTPYPE: Oh. This may
be the messenger with the gold…ahem…with the heavy brass instruments.
FX: Door opening.
ECCLES: Hallo.
GRYTPYPE: Who are you?
ECCLES: Oh, I’m the
famous Eccles. And here’s the instruments.
GRYTPYPE: Is this all
there is?
ECCLES: Yep. Would you
like me to play it.
SEAGOON: Oh yes please.
ECCLES: Ok. Listen.
FX: Tiny little triangle. Single stroke.
Eccles
& SEAGOON: Idiot laughter.
SEAGOON: Let me try.
Let me try. Listen.
FX: Tiny little triangle. Another single stroke.
Eccles
& SEAGOON: Idiot laughter.
ECCLES: ‘Ere ‘ere
‘ere! Let me try. Listen. Watch this.
FX: Tiny little triangle. Multiple strokes.
Eccles
& SEAGOON: Idiot laughter.
SEAGOON: My turn. My
turn. Listen.
FX: Tiny little triangle. Multiple strokes.
Eccles
& SEAGOON: Idiot laughter.
ECCLES: Oooo! Ooooo!
It’s good to be alive. Here give me the stick. I’ll do it again.
GRYTPYPE: Alright!
Alright! That’s enough. Now give that to me. There…
FX: Short sharp tap on triangle.
Eccles
& SEAGOON: Idiot laughter.
ECCLES: You’re clever.
SEAGOON: You’re the
best.
ECCLES: You’re the
best.
SEAGOON: You’re the
best Mr. Thynne.
GRYTPYPE: One moment!
There’s some discrepancy here. Six gold bars go to the smelting works, one gold triangle comes back.
ECCLES: Ooooo! Gold?
Let’s hear it again.
FX: Tiny little triangle. Single stroke.
ECCLES: That’s rich!
SEAGOON: Idiot
laughter.
ECCLES: ‘Ere ‘ere
‘ere. I’ll tell you what. You go in the room and see how it sounds in there.
SEAGOON: Oh yes yes.
Come along Mr. Thynne.
FX: Door opens and closes.
SEAGOON: This is very
fun. We’ll have to listen very carefully you know.
ECCLES: (Off) Are you ready?
SEAGOON & GRYTPYPE: Yes.
ECCLES: Listen.
FX: Door knob rattles. Door slams shut.
SEAGOON: Mmm. I don’t
think that was it.
GRYTPYPE: No! It sounded
more like a door closing.
SEAGOON: Door closing?!
GRYTPYPE: Don’t worry.
He can’t get far. I’ve got the…
FX: Telephone rings. Phone picks up.
GRYTPYPE: Hello?
GREENSLADE: (French, at end of telephone) Personal call from
ECCLES: (At end of telephone line.) Hello.
GRYTPYPE: Yes?
ECCLES: Listen.
FX: Tiny little triangle amplified. Single
stroke.
GRYTPYPE: Curses! Well,
we still have Ray Ellington.
SEAGOON: That’s no
compensation.
RAY
ELLINGTON
GREENSLADE: Why, if it
isn’t the Six Gold Ingots of Leadenhall Street part four or the Four Gold
Ingots of Leadenhall Street part six, whichever you like – I don’t care.
GRAMS: Various fire engine bells, fire alarms,
police alarms, speeding vehicles etc.
Fade under.
MILLIGAN: (Police radio.) Calling all cars. Car
number forty?
SELLERS: (Through tannoy.) Roger.
MILLIGAN: Car forty-one?
SELLERS: (Through tannoy.) Roger.
MILLIGAN: Car forty-two?
SELLERS: (Through tannoy.) Fred.
MILLIGAN: Car
forty-three?
(Pause)
MILLIGAN: Car
forty-three?
BLUEBOTTLE: (Through tannoy.) Tee hee hee.
MILLIGAN: Car
forty-three?!
BLUEBOTTLE: (Through tannoy.) I’m not telling you.
So enters ‘Fabian’ Bluebottles of the Yard. I’m out to bring in Neddie Seagoon
dead or alive. Nee hee hee heen!
MILLIGAN: Are you car
forty-three?
BLUEBOTTLE: (Through tannoy.) Before I tell you,
here are my special terms that you got to agree to. I must not be nutted, I
must not be blowed up, and I must be at the front if there’s any sausinges.
Signed ‘Bluebottle.’
MILLIGAN: Very well. Now
are you car number forty-three?
BLUEBOTTLE: (Through tannoy.) No! Nee hee hee hee!
You know what I am? I am cardboard bicycle number one. Hee hee! Pedals off
towards
SEAGOON: Yes. As I
peeked through the lace windows of my overcoat I saw the police were looking
for us. Ha ha ha! But they’ll never find us here.
GRYTPYPE: Silly boy.
Where else can they find us?
FX: Knock on door. (Continue under.)
ELLINGTON: (Off) Hey! Open up! Open up in the name
of de law!
FX: Door opens.
SEAGOON: How did they
know I was here?
ELLINGTON: You left a forwarding
address at the yard.
SEAGOON: Curse! It’s
the little things that give you away.
GRYTPYPE: Well they
won’t take me. Get to that window.
FX: Pistol shots.
SEAGOON: And so started
the siege of
GRAMS: Massed rifle fire. Fades under.
FX: Knock at door. Door opens.
WILLIUM: Excuse me sir.
SEAGOON: Yes constable?
WILLIUM: Is that your car in the
street?
SEAGOON: Yes.
WILLIUM: You’ll have to
put some lights on it mate. It’s dusk you know. (Low) I say, alright for bullets are you?
SEAGOON: Yes thank you.
WILLIUM: Right. Keep
the old head down then. Cheerio mate.
GRAMS: Crescendo rifle fire. Fade under.
GRYTPYPE: Ellington?
Take off your police uniform. I want you to join us for the next gag.
ELLINGTON: Right.
GRYTPYPE: It’s getting
dark and I’d like you to keep guard so go outside that door and don’t come back
here till dawn.
ELLINGTON: Right!
FX: Door opens and closes.
GRAMS: Burst of rifle fire.
FX: (Over.) Pistol shots.
FX: Door hurriedly opens.
ELLINGTON: Morning
everybody!
SEAGOON: It’s no good
Grytpype. We’ve got to get out of here tonight.
GRYTPYPE: Why?
SEAGOON: The rent’s due tomorrow.
BLUEBOTTLE: Stop in the
name of the law.
SEAGOON: Well look who
it is. If it isn’t BLUEBOTTLE!
GRAMS: Massed hysterical applause.
BLUEBOTTLE: Stooooop!
GRAMS: Suddenly stops.
BLUEBOTTLE: Thank you Dad.
Second entrance ‘Siege of Sydeny Street’
- time, two hours later. Starts to act. If you don’t come out by the
time I count ten I will throw a bomb up into your window. (Very fast.) Onetwothreefourfivesix…
SEAGOON: Give us a
chance to get out!
BLUEBOTTLE: No. I want you
to know what it feels like to be deaded every week. Tee hee hee! Seveneightnineten…hup…Ooh!
I missed.
GREENSLADE: It’s fairly
widely known that an object thrown high into the air is forced by circumstances
beyond our control to return to earth, therefore….
GRAMS: Massive explosion, followed by falling
debris.
BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten
swines you! You have…No. Wait a minute. Feels both knee caps. Sees feet in
usual position. I’m not deaded this week!
Hee hee hee! Thinks, ‘I’m a happy go lucky lad…’
GREENSLADE: You little
fool. You’ve gone and deaded the cast and now we can’t do the end.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh. How does
it end Mister Grinslinds?
GREENSLADE: Oh, I don’t
care at all…actually we had a beautiful dramatic ending where the long man of
BLUEBOTTLE: Oooh. Can’t we
act it?
GREENSLADE: Oh don’t be
absurd. What can two of us possibly do?
GRAMS: Foxtrot with Alto Saxophone lead.
FX: Clink of glasses.
BLUEBOTTLE: Do you come
here often?
GREENSLADE: Only during
the mating season.
BLUEBOTTLE: Tee hee hee!
ORCHESTRA: Theme up, fade under.
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter
Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The Orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA: Up and out.