THE FIREBALL OF MILTON STREET
 
 
GOON SHOW TLO 72538
5TH SERIES: NO 22
1ST BROADCAST: 22 Feb 1955

 

Script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes

 
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC
SELLERS: (American cool cat) All right, cats, let's creep
ORCHESTRA: TEA DANCE MUSIC
SECOMBE: Stop! (stops immediately) Stop this madness! You sinful people! Now 
Mr. Greenslade - 
GREENSLADE: Sir?
SECOMBE: Unlace that rubber farthingale, gird up your poor old loins and give the listeners the old posh chat there, give them the old posh wireless talk Wal, go on boy 
GREENSLADE: Ladies and gentlemen, a story translated from a yet unwritten story that was found embedded in an uncooked Russian sock. We proudly present - 
ORCHESTRA: DRUM ROLE OVER SPEECH
MILLIGAN: (theatrical) Oooh! "The Fireball of Milton Street", or "What's become of that crispy bacon we had before the war, ey?" What's become of it? So brown! So crisp! With that lovely firm layer of white fat. Ooooh! What's become of it, ey? Answer me! What's become of that crisp bacon we had before the war? Don't laugh, answer me! What's become - 
FX: PISTOL SHOT
ORCHESTRA: FUNERAL MARCH MUSIC
SECOMBE: We regret to announce the sudden death of the well-known athletic thespian and actor Sir Jim Nasium 
SELLERS: Yes! In his absence we give you The Fireball of Milton Street
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK, ENDING IN LONE HARP
SELLERS: Mid the rolling hills of Sussex in the county of Somerset lies the little 
Kentish village of Milton Street, Pride of Essex. Milton Street, one of the cinque ports. It was to this little village that a disturbing discovery was to come
GRAMS: SLOW FOOTSTEPS OVER SPEECH, BELL RINGS ONCE
ECCLES: One o'clock! One o'clock on a frosty night! A clear night! A fine night! Oh, it's good to be alive! One o'clock on a frosty night one - oh!
CRUN: Aaaaah!
ECCLES: Ooh, hello! Mr. Crun! Where you been at this time of night?
CRUN: Mmmmm, I've been for a walk
ECCLES: Ooh, I wish I was clever like that
CRUN: Well, good night Eccles
ECCLES: Good night, good night
GRAMS: SLOW FOOTSTEPS OVER SPEECH, BELL RINGS ONCE
ECCLES: One o'clock 
GRAMS: BELL RINGS AGAIN
ECCLES: Two o'clock on a fine night (fades out)
FX: HEAVY CHAINS BEING JANGLED OVER SPEECH
CRUN: Now, what have I done with my front-door key? Let me see: trouser cupboard, wine-cellar, hot-water tap, butter dish, Minnie's Ginger-Wine-still; Drat it! Every key but the front-door. Oh well
FX: THREE HEAVY THUDS ON THE DOOR
BANNISTER: (distant) Oooh! We'll all be murdered in our beds! Who's that down there?
CRUN: I've lost my key, Min
BANNISTER: Oh dear, I'm coming, buddy
FX: FOOTSTEPS DOWN 5 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS
CRUN: I can't understand it, we live in a bungalow!
FX: HEAVY CHAIN BEING JANGLED, KEY TURNED, DOOR OPENS 
BANNISTER: Oh, what's all this, Crun? What is this?
CRUN: I can't get in, Min, I've dropped my key out in the dark and I can't see
BANNISTER: Oh well, come inside in the light and have a look for it
CRUN: Thank you, Min
FX: DOOR SHUT
BANNISTER: Now hurry up, Crun
CRUN: I will, I will. Don't go back to bed yet, Min, I'm not in yet
BANNISTER: Oh dear, hurry up, I don't want to stay up all night waiting for you to come home
CRUN: Well don't rush me, Min. As soon as I find the key I'll let myself in
BANNISTER: Okay
FX: HEAVY CHAIN BEING JANGLED
CRUN: Drat it. I can't find it, I can't find the key!
BANNISTER: Well why don't you knock? I'll let you in
CRUN: All right
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR SLAMMED, KNOCK ON DOOR
BANNISTER: Oh! Who is that? 
CRUN: (outside) It's me, Minnie, Crun! 
BANNISTER: Crun? Haven't you got a key? 
CRUN: No
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED
BANNISTER: Come in, buddy, you're lucky I wasn't in bed, you know?
CRUN: Terrible news, Min, terrible! The world is coming to an end! 
BANNISTER: Oh! I'd better go and get the washing in
CRUN: Min, this morning I photographed the sun and I discovered it's on fire
BANNISTER: Oh, the people are careless, Crun
CRUN: Yes
FX: KNOCKS ON THE DOOR
CRUN: Aaaaah! 
SEAGOON: I say, can I come in? I saw light in you window 
CRUN: Minnie poured it out for me, would you like one? 
SEAGOON: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po!
BANNISTER & CRUN: Good!
BANNISTER: Mr. Seagoon, Crun says that the sun is on fire
SEAGOON: On fire? (laughs to himself) You were always one for a joke!
CRUN: No I'm not, look I took this photo of the sun's chorono and it's smoking
SEAGOON: Hmm, Heavens Above! Saints protect us, he's right! Fire! I must tell 
the villagers at once. (panic) The suns on fire! The suns on fire!
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK
OMNES: crowd noises
SEAGOON: Please! Please! Silence! Silence!
MILLIGAN: Speak up!
SEAGOON: Villagers of Milton Street, I'm sorry I had to get you out of your beds. Mr. Crun, tell them what's happened
CRUN: The sun is on fire! 
OMNES: silence
SEAGOON: Don't panic! Don't panic! Keep cool and all's well! We'll face it together, chins up! No cowards! Now remain steady, chaps, and at all cost don't panic. Remember we're British! All together now (sings) Land of Hope and Glory, mother of the seas. How can we exhort thee -
FX: PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP
SEAGOON: Yes?
GRYTPYPE: (other end of phone) You silly twisted boy, you
SEAGOON: I don't wish to know that
FX: PHONE SLAMMED DOWN
GREENSLADE: Oh Mr. Crun, the sun is on fire, you say?
CRUN: Yes, yes
GREENSLADE: If that is so the process must have been a ceaseless inconceivable 
rapid motion of electrons captured by nuclei released at a million time per sec per sec, the effect being the radiated thermo-electrons captured and harnessed as units of liberated satellite electrons, the product of which, with the space quotuum of 3.79 plus 10 to the power of 33 hers per second with a diathermia of 9 7 3 2 5 to the power of X, is the thallium 3 billion thrice upon 25 billion centigrade 
CRUN: It's not as simple as that! Oh deary me, no! Now are there any more 
questions? 
MILLIGAN: (theatrical) Yes! What's become of that crispy bacon we had before the 
war, ey? What's become of it - 
FX: PISTOL SHOT
ORCHESTRA: FUNERAL MARCH MUSIC
SEAGOON: Any more questions? 
BLOODNOK: Yes. As Squire of Milton Street, I think that as the sun is on fire Ned Seagoon should go to London to tell the Queen 
SEAGOON: To London to tell the Queen? I'd be famous! Right, I'll do it! 
BLOODNOK: Right, but first, it's a long weary journey to the capital, therefore how about a silver collection. Come on!
OMNES: voices reluctantly giving money
BLOODNOK: Thank you, well done sir. Grand! And you, sir! Excellent!
BANNISTER: Oooh!
BLOODNOK: I'm sorry madam, I beg your pardon. That's it, the hat's full! So Ned, there you are, off you go to London 
SEAGOON: Thank you. Farewell!
FX: FOOTSTEPS GRADUALLY GETTING FASTER, FADES AWAY
BLOODNOK: Brave lad! Right now, Ellington, help me count the money in this hat
Ray: Right 
 
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET
 
FX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS OVER SPEECH
SEAGOON: Meantime I, Ned Seagoon, was running towards London to tell the Queen the sun was on fire. I reached the river, I jumped  
(FX pause, start again) 
SEAGOON: - I reached the other side. I ran towards the second river, I jumped - (FX pause, start again) 
SEAGOON: - and I reached the other side. So then I came to a very wide raging torrent. I ran as fast as I could, I jumped  
(FX stop) 
SEAGOON: - Right! Hands up all those who thought I was going to fall in the river. Come on there, you with the big head there, Bill Matthews? Come on, hands up! Right! Take a hundred lines: "I must not try to guess the end of Goon Show gags". Now, here is what really happened 
FX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS OVER SPEECH
SEAGOON: I ran, I jumped 
(FX stops)
SEAGOON:  and then -
GRAMS: GIANT SPLASH
SEAGOON: Ha ha ha. Right, hands up all the charlies who wrote the hundred lines. Take another hundred: "I must not write a hundred lines until I'm dead sure". All right, Greenslade
GREENSLADE: Listen to "The Fireball of Milton Street" part 3. Outside the Ministry of Works (LONG SILENCE) Part 4, inside the Ministry of Works
GRAMS: GRAMOPHONE RECORD PLAYING
FX: TEA CUP AND SAUCER RATTLING, RAPID KNOCKS ON DOOR
GRYTPYPE: Come in, Charlie!
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR OPENS
SEAGOON: Good morning. I want to see the Queen
GRYTPYPE: Oh, well you'll have to see the Secretary of State, I'll write you an introductory letter (FX: PEN SCRATCHING) "Please see Ned Seagoon". There
SEAGOON: Thank you. Now who is the Secretary of State?
GRYTPYPE: I am
SEAGOON: Ah, well I have a letter for you
GRYTPYPE: Have you?
SEAGOON: Yes
GRYTPYPE: Let me see: "Will you please see Ned Seagoon"
SEAGOON: I want to see the Queen
GRYTPYPE: Oh, well you'll have to see the Minister of the Crown
SEAGOON: Where's he?
GRYTPYPE: Go and wait in that room there, will you?
SEAGOON: Right
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR OPENS, SLAMS SHUT
SEAGOON: Oh I'm so excited! Hee hee! The Minister of the Crown, eh? I wonder what he looks like? 
ORCHESTRA: BRASS FANFARE
GREENSLADE: (shouts) His Excellence, the Right Royal Minister of the Crown
FX: FOOTSTEPS SLOWLY ADVANCE TOWARDS THE MICROPHONE (GETTING LOUDER)
GRYTPYPE: You wanted to see me?
SEAGOON: Yes sir, I want to see the Queen. You see the sun's on fire
GRYTPYPE: What? 
SEAGOON: The sun's on fire, sir
GRYTPYPE: Oh, this is the charlie! Now Neddie, I want you to build a rocket to 
take you to the sun. Take a barrel of water on board and then off you go to put out the fire 
SEAGOON: Well, where will I get the materials to build it?
GRYTPYPE: Well the Ministry of Works have got a lot of junk - er, special material you could use!
SEAGOON: Who's pay for it?
GRYTPYPE: Oh the villagers, of course. Then when the rocket comes back from 
the sun we'll buy it back off you at twice the price
SEAGOON: Hooray! I'll save England! I'll be a hero! (sings) Come, come I love you only, come hero of mine
GRYTPYPE: No I can't say it again
FX: RAPID KNOCKS ON THE DOOR
GRYTPYPE: Come in
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR OPENS
GRYTPYPE: Yes, what do you want?
MILLIGAN: (theatrical) I want to know what's become of the crispy bacon -
FX: PISTOL SHOT
GRAMS: FUNERAL MARCH MUSIC
FX: DOOR SLAMS (MUSIC STOPS IMMEDIATELY)
GREENSLADE: Meantime at Milton Street a dissenter is at work
OMNES: crowd noises
BLUEBOTTLE: People of Milton Street! Listen to me! Enter Bluebottle, strikes 
orator's pose, cops dirty big brick in back of nut. Puts lump in pocket for later. People, I'm telling you, the sun is not on fire. (crowd gets noisier) Shut up you, shut up! I tell you, it's not on fire. Have seen it through my cardboard cut-out telescope - posted free with every 6 box-tops of Filth Muck the Wonder Soap 
BANNISTER: Don't you believe him!
BLUEBOTTLE: I'm telling the truth
SEAGOON: I say, what's going on here?
BLUEBOTTLE: I am here to prove that the sun is not on fire
MORIARTY: (aside) Curse, this little nutty Goon could ruin our plan. (aloud) Don't believe him, Seagoon. Ask him to prove it
Seagoon and Crowd: Yes, prove it!
BLUEBOTTLE: All right, all right, shut up you! Shut up, you! I will prove it. Stand 
back. Takes off shirt to show well-developed bones and spare ribs and satchel. I will climb this ladder with a piece of bread and when I get to the top I will point it out to the sun. If the sun is on fire it will get toasted. Now then, who is going to hold the ladder? 
ECCLES: I'll hold the ladder
BLUEBOTTLE: Thank you, Eccles. Promise you won't let go
ECCLES: I promise you won't let go
BLUEBOTTLE: Then I will go. Sprin-ges on to ladder. Effect is ruined because trousers fall down. Oh! Short vest! Tee-hee! Max Geldra cover up my short bits
 
MAX GELDRAY
 
GREENSLADE: We pick up the story with Bluebottle at the top of his 200 foot ladder
GRAMS: WIND HOWLING OVER SPEECH
BLUEBOTTLE: Tee hee! It's a bit parkey up here. Oh, silly little me, I forgot my toasting fork. Hey, somebody down there bring up my toasting fork
SEAGOON: (far off) Don't panic!
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh dear, what can I do now that I'm waiting up here? (mumbles a tune to himself) Oh I know. Ladies and gentlemen, I will spring you all a riddle, listen: When is a door not a door? Answer: when it's ajar. Not a sausage for that one. When is a horse not a horse? Answer: When it's turned in to a field. Oh well, roll on beddie-byes. 
FX: PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP
BLUEBOTTLE: Hello? No I'm sorry I haven't (hangs up). Silly man, have I got any rooms to let? (sings to himself) 
FX: FEW HEAVY STEPS COMING UP THE LADDER
ECCLES: Ah, here's your toasting fork
BLUEBOTTLE: Ohhhh! You fool, you mind hat you're doing with it, harm can come to a young lad like that. 
ECCLES: I'm sorry, Bluebottle
BLUEBOTTLE: Eccles? 
ECCLES: Yuh?
BLUEBOTTLE: Tee-hee! Who's holding the bottom of the ladder?
ECCLES: Well, eh, don't worry, I'm holding the - Oooooh!
BLUEBOTTLE: (falling in to distance) You rotten swine, you!
FX: THUD
GREENSLADE: At the bottom of the now-fallen ladder a fresh crisis had arrived. Seagoon is about to ask Bloodnok for the money he had collected in his hat the previous day 
SEAGOON: I'm about to ask you for the money you collected in your hat the previous day 
BLOODNOK: Go ahead
SEAGOON: I want the money you collected in your hat the previous day
BLOODNOK: What? 
SEAGOON: Grytpype-Thynne wants it as first-payment on the materials for building the rocket 
BLOODNOK: What, money? I arrest you!
SEAGOON: What for?
BLOODNOK: Resisting arrest
SEAGOON: I'm not resisting
BLOODNOK: I arrest you for not resisting then
SEAGOON: I'm innocent
BLOODNOK: At your age, rubbish! I arrest you for not being in uniform 
SEAGOON: I'm not in the services
BLOODNOK: What? Then I arrest you for being a coward
SEAGOON: I'm not a coward
BLOODNOK: I arrest you for being a hero
SEAGOON: I'm not a hero 
BLOODNOK: Then if you're not a hero and you're not a coward what are you?
SEAGOON: I'm neither
BLOODNOK: I arrest you for being a neither
SEAGOON: Give me the money or I'll tell about you and the scout fund
FX: METAL BEING SHOVELLED OUT
BLOODNOK: Ohhh, there you are Neddie. Dear Neddie, I was only joking laddy was kidding, it's safe for you, neddie. You know old Dennis wouldn't do a pal
SEAGOON: Right, there Moriarty, 20. Tomorrow we start building the rocket to 
the sun. 
ORCHESTRA: GRAND LINK
GRAMS: WORK PLACE NOISES (HAMMERS, ETC.)
SELLERS: (BBC announcer) Well I'm speaking to you from the base of a Martella Tower by the Pevensey marshes. The hammering you can hear come from a bust band of workers from the village of Milton Street. The are erecting some sort of wooden rocket tied with string on top of the tower. That is what you said, sir, isn't it? 
MORIARTY: Yes, yes, they are having the joke, ha ha ha ! Yes, a joke. Now, Seagoon (lowering voice) you haven't breathed a word to this BBC charlie about it, heave you? 
SEAGOON: No, sir, I haven't 
MORIARTY: Good
SEAGOON: Ah, Mr. Crun. Well, it looks as if the rocket's nearly ready
CRUN: Not quite, we need another layer of brown-paper and string on the outside 
SEAGOON: Yes, you're right. We can't take risks
CRUN: No
GRYTPYPE: Seagoon, we've just delivered the last lorry of junk - er, valuables, and I hope you've got the money?
SEAGOON: Yes, 30
FX: CASH REGISTER RINGS OPEN
GRYTPYPE: Thank you. Now when will you be taking off?
SEAGOON: As soon as we have the gun-powder and sulphur at the base of the rocket. That's what's going to send us up 
GRYTPYPE: I'm sure it will. And, er, as a matter of interest, when you get to the sun how are you going to put it out?
SEAGOON: We're each carrying a bucket of water
GRYTPYPE: By Jove, are all of your family clever?
SEAGOON: Only the highbreds
GRYTPYPE: Touchez 
SEAGOON: Three-chez 
GRYTPYPE: Do you come here often?
SEAGOON: Only in the mating season, shall we dance?
GRYTPYPE: Yes
GRAMS: TEA-DANCE MUSIC
SEAGOON: You dance divinely
GRYTPYPE: Thank you, darling
MORIARTY: Stop, stop! Stop this madness you simple people. You must take off as soon as possible. The Sussex police have heard of the rocket and are going to try and stop it 
GRYTPYPE: Curse, this could ruin everything. Seagoon, tell them all to speed up
SEAGOON: Yes, everybody speed up
GRAMS: WORK SPEEDS UP, 10 SECONDS OF CARTOON SPEECH
SEAGOON: Stop! Right, ready? Everybody?
OMNES: Yes, sir!
SEAGOON: Purse the sulphur and the light the old wick there. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
GRAMS: EXPLOSION
GRYTPYPE: Oh dear, oh dear. After all that work. It's sad, Mor-I-arty, it's sad. However, let's count the money. 10, 20, 30 (both giggle evily)
MORIARTY: Oh dear, those poor fools
GRYTPYPE: Yes
MORIARTY: A wooden rocket, a wooden rocket! I ask you! Trying to put out the sun (both laugh)
GRYTPYPE: Yes
MORIARTY: They deserved to die, didn't they? 
GRYTPYPE: Yes they did, Mor-I-arty
MORIARTY: Oh 25, 26 million, 28...
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty, hasn't it gone dark? They, er, they couldn't have? Help! They've put out the sun! Oh!
ORCHESTRA: END THEME TUNE
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The ORCHESTRA was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton. 
ORCHESTRA: Playout.