GOON SHOW TLO 72450
5TH SERIES: NO 21
1ST BROADCAST: 15 Feb 1955
ORCHESTRA: Ta Da!
GREENSLADE: Clear the
floor for the East Acton Working Man's Club Crazy Cabaret
SEAGOON: Act number
one is the highly esteemed - Goon Show!
ORCHESTRA: Ta Da!
SEAGOON: Now, Mr.
Greenslade, put down that Radio Times, cast off that bamboo kilt and give the
listeners the old posh chat there. Do the old wireless talk, Wal, go on Wal,
right up you, Wal
GREENSLADE: Ladies and
gentlemen this week, as stated in the Radio Times, we give you the Six Ingots
of Leadenhall Street
SEAGOON: Sorry,
Greeners, we're not doing that, Wallace
GREENSLADE: Oh yes we are
SEAGOON: Not this
week, no
GREENSLADE: But we are,
you see on page 24 of my Radio Times it states quite clearly "The Six
Ingots Of Leadenhall Street"
SEAGOON: I know, but
we changed it, you see
GREENSLADE: But the Radio
Times never lies!
SELLERS: (Announcer)
Tonight we give you the story of the
ORCHESTRA: Lone wailing
violin over speech
SELLERS: (exaggerated
narrator / poet )Oooooh, 'twas the month of February in 1955, when the valuable
floating pier at
SEAGOON: (strained
voice, unemotional) Oh deary me!
SELLERS: (Violin
starts again) But 600
GRAMS: Bubbling of
drowning object
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic
descending chords
FX: 3 Hits of a
gavel
CHIEF ENGINEER: Attention,
SEAGOON: (clears
throat) Gentlemen, for the Port of London Authority I must state the day before
the valuable Westminster Pier sank it was inspected and certified river-worthy
COUNCILLOR: Who was the
man who inspected it?
CHIEF ENGINEER: It was none
other than...
SEAGOON: I resign!
CHIEF ENGINEER: Resignation
accepted on the grounds of incompetence, anyone else want the old job, there?
SEAGOON: I'll take it
on
CHIEF ENGINEER: Right, name?
SEAGOON: Ned Seagoon
CHIEF ENGINEER: Same as the
last bloke, all right carry on
SEAGOON: Now did
anybody actually see the Pier sink?
WILLIUM: Yes mate, Jim
Tula
SEAGOON: Then why
isn't he here?
WILLIUM: He went down
with it, mate
SEAGOON: I see.
Right... lunch!
GRAMS: Hundreds of
feet running out of building
CHIEF ENGINEER: Here wait
minute! Wait! Wait! Wait a minute! We've got some more witnesses yet
SEAGOON: Oh, very
well. Throat?
THROAT: Yes?
SEAGOON: Postpone
lunch
THROAT: Right
SEAGOON: Good
THROAT: Right
CHIEF ENGINEER: Next witness!
FX: Very slow
footsteps gradually getting closer and then walking away, door slams
SEAGOON: Right, next
witness! What? No one else? Right - lunch!
GRAMS: Hundreds of
feet running out of building
ECCLES: Stop! Hallo!
SEAGOON: Who are you,
you ragged idiot?
ECCLES: I'm the
famous Eccles
SEAGOON: Famous? I've
never heard of you
ECCLES: What? You've
heard of Clapham Common!?
SEAGOON: Yes
ECCLES: Well you mind
what you say
SEAGOON: What? Now
look here let's get down to the important question, what caused a valuable
Westminster Pier to sink?
WILLIUM: As a member
of the police, may I make a suggestion, mate?
SEAGOON: Police?
You're not Fagin of the yard
WILLIUM: No, I can't
act for toffee, I can't
SEAGOON: Neither can
he. Now, do you suspect sabotage?
WILLIUM: No, he's in
the clear
SEAGOON: Then whom do
you suspect?
WILLIUM: Russian
frogmen dunnit, mate
SEAGOON: What is their
motive?
WILLIUM: Oo, I don't
in to their private affairs, mate, I just accuses 'em, that's all I do
SEAGOON: Are you sure
the Russians did it?
WILLIUM: Well I 'aint,
mate, but it looks good on the report sheet, dunnit?
SEAGOON: Hmmmmm -
right, lunch!
GRAMS: Hundreds of
feet running out of building, pigs snorting
GREENSLADE: Meantime, on
a fish train, travelling from Leeds to
SEAGOON: For a week we
tried to raise the valuable sunken Westminster Pier, but failed miserably. Then
yesterday a professor offered me a service
CRUN: Good morning
SEAGOON: Good morning,
sir
BANNISTER: Good morning,
buddy
SEAGOON: (laughing to
himself) Good morning buddy, yes. So you think you can raise the pier. ey?
Minnie and
CRUN: Oh yes, yes!
We can! We've done it any times!
SEAGOON: Splendid.
Now, what is your profession?
Minnie and
CRUN: Ooooh!
BANNISTER: We're Oyster
Sexers
SEAGOON: Oyster
sexers?
BANNISTER: Yes, we can
tell the difference, you know?
SEAGOON: At your age
that must be quite a revelation. I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in oyster
sexing
CRUN: Ah, but
you're not an oyster, are you?
SEAGOON: Mr. Crun...
CRUN: What what
what?
SEAGOON: If I was an
oyster I wouldn't be here. Can't have an oyster as chairman of the Westminster
Pier Salvage Committee can you?
CRUN: Why not, ey?
Why not? It's a free country isn't it? Why shouldn't an oyster be chairman?
SEAGOON: Because an
oyster can't talk
CRUN: Have you ever
spoken to one?
SEAGOON: Hhhmmmm, no!
Minnie and
CRUN: Aaaah!
CRUN: Then you
don't know, do you?
BANNISTER: No
CRUN: No, no. Now
look, we've got an oyster here
BANNISTER: Fred
CRUN: Yes, put it
on the desk, there you are Min...
FX: Shell on desk
(coconut shells)
CRUN: There, go on,
speak to it!
SEAGOON: Speak to it?
This is absurd, I, I can't -
BANNISTER: No, go on
buddy, yakaboo! Speak to it, speak to it!
SEAGOON: No no, I
refuse. I can't...
CRUN: Yes you can,
try. Then you can find out if it can speak
BANNISTER: Yes!
SEAGOON: (clears
throat) Um... Good morning! Ha-ha! This is madness! You can't...
CRUN: You'll have
to speak louder he can't hear you
SEAGOON: Of course
not, the oyster's closed
CRUN: Closed?
Wednesday! Of course, it's early closing! Shout loud to it! Shout loud to it!
SEAGOON: (louder) Good morning, I see that it's
early closing for oysters
GRAMS: Fred The
Oyster: Shell scrapes as it turns, creaks open, donkey eee-aughs twice,
rasberry, creaks shut, shell closes
SEAGOON: How dare he
do that to me, give me that oyster here! (gulps) There, that's the last you'll
hear of him (belches) Pardon!
BANNISTER: Oooooh! You
naughty man, you've eaten Fred our oyster
CRUN: We'll call
the police constable!
SEAGOON: (over their
shouts) Get out of here! You can't -
FX: While the
three argue door is taken off hinges, fade away, door slammed shut
SEAGOON: Good heavens!
Is there no one who can salvage the highly valuable Westminster Pier? I'd pay
anything!
GRAMS: Whoosh!
MORIARTY: Ooooh! Pardon
me, my ami, mon card
SEAGOON: Thank you,
but there's nothing on it!
MORIARTY: Look on the
other side
SEAGOON: Oh, that's a
silly place to have it printed... on the back! Now what's this? "Messrs
Fred Moriarty Ltd. - Sunken
MORIARTY: Sapristi! You
mean the
SEAGOON: Yes
MORIARTY: At last...
employment! All these years I've waited!
SEAGOON: Well tell me,
how do we raise the pier?
MORIARTY: Oh, don't
raise the pier!
SEAGOON: What then?
MORIARTY: Lower the
river
SEAGOON: Gad! Genius!
Absolute genius! But can you do it?
MORIARTY: Sapristi
yacka-backaras of course I can. My partner, the Honourable Grytpype-Thynne is
the greatest water remover in the world! Follow me!
GRAMS: Whoosh!
Whoosh!
FX: Knocking on door.
GRYTPYPE: Come in!
FX: Door opens.
GRAMS: Swimming
through water over speech
SEAGOON: I entered a
room 4 foot deep in water. Up to his neck in it Grytpype-Thynne was sitting on
a rubber dinghy smoking a Jim-filled Hookah.
GRYTPYPE: Ah Neddy!
Have a glass of water.
SEAGOON: (gulp) Thank
you.
GRYTPYPE: Have another.
Drink as much as you can.
SEAGOON: Why?
GRYTPYPE: The
basement's flooded
SEAGOON: But I thought
you were an expert water remover.
GRYTPYPE: Oh I am, it's
my day off!
SEAGOON: I see
GRYTPYPE: So you want
us to lower the level of the
SEAGOON: Yes
GRYTPYPE: Yes, well
that will be 30 bob a day for the hire of the pumps
SEAGOON: Pumps?
GRYTPYPE: Yes, I always
wear them, they don't draw the feet, you know? I hate having my feet drawn,
except by Graham Sutherland. then for the work, well the work shall we say 10
pounds for every hours pumping?
SEAGOON: 10 pounds for
every hour?
GRYTPYPE: I accept!
Sign here please And here! And here!
FX: Scratching of
pen nib on paper
GRYTPYPE: And here! And
on this cheque. Now this one. And here! This small cheque here. Bank guarantee,
mortgage, pawn ticket, here's your insurance policy, just there! This contract!
Indemnity clause... here! Watch, chain, thank you! Now have a glass of water
SEAGOON: (gulp) Thank
you
GRYTPYPE: Splendid. I
want you to drink as much as you can
SEAGOON: Why, is it
good for me?
GRYTPYPE: No, good for
my grandmother
SEAGOON: Why?
GRYTPYPE: She's under
all this lot. Righto, Neddy, we'll be there in the morning and I take it you'll
have the money ready, hmm?
SEAGOON: Yes. Hurrah!
Then tomorrow my name will be famous. Neddy Seagoon - the man who raised the
Westminster sunken floating Pier and the good old Port of London Authorities
flag will fly once more and the crowd will sing - (singing) For he's a jolly
good Seagoon! For he's a jolly good Seagoon! For he's a jolly good Seeagoooooon
and so say all of us!
GRYTPYPE: You silly
twisted boy
SEAGOON: Thank you.
Then you'll start pumping out the river tomorrow, ey?
GRYTPYPE: Yes, 'til
tomorrow then, Neddy
SEAGOON: A demain!
FX: Door Slams
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty!? We
shall make a fortune out of this charley. But first let us hear Gladys
Ellington and her lean Water Baby.
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET - 'My Lean
Lady'
GREENSLADE: And now, the
Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street part 3, in which Ned Seagoon is attacked by a
drink crazed Peruvian Trombonist with rumpled feet and then...
SEAGOON: Wallace,
we're not doing that this week
GREENSLADE: But page 24
of my Radio Time says...
SEAGOON: I don't care
what your Radio Times says, Wallace, we're not doing it!
GREENSLADE: But the
Editor is a friend of mine and the Radio Times never lies!
SEAGOON: I don't care!
We're not doing it Wallace (fades out)
SELLERS: (exaggerated
theatrical narrator) Oooooh!
ORCHESTRA: Lone violin over speech
SELLERS: So Moriarty
and Grytpype-Thynne started to pump the river, and as the weather was very cold
sometimes they were both were want for to shiver. They pumped and pumped but
the River Thames didn't get any lower, but this didn't worry Grytpype-Thynne as
he was being paid by the hour. And Oooooh, the pump fiend did pump and roar
GRAMS: Heavy
machinery pumping over speech
MORIARTY: (singing)
April in
GRYTPYPE: How much does
he owe us no, Moriarty?
MORIARTY: Er, we've
pumped 60,000 gallons - that's 3 Million Pounds
GRYTPYPE: Lovely,
lovely
Grytpype-Thynne and
MORIARTY: (singing)
April in
SEAGOON: I say! I say,
Grytpype!?
GRYTPYPE: Ah Neddy,
have a glass of water
SEAGOON: (gulp) Thanks
GRYTPYPE: Every little
helps, you know?
SEAGOON: That's just
it. You've been pumping for 8 weeks now and the river hasn't gone down 1 inch!
GRYTPYPE: Well you
can't rush these things, laddie. You've come to pay us the old...
SEAGOON: yes, yes.
Here it is, 3 million pounds
FX: Cash Register
GRYTPYPE: Thank you
SEAGOON: But that's
the last of it, you know? Treasury's nearly broke!
GRYTPYPE: Nonsense.
Have a glass of water
SEAGOON: (gulp) Thank
you. Now listen, if in the next 24 hours the river is still full of water the
government is going to step in
GRYTPYPE: Good riddance
to them! Now let's see, we've got 3 million,
MORIARTY: (goes off
singing 'April in
SEAGOON: Wait! I say,
wait! Where were they pumping all the water to? It was then I noticed a long
pipe. I followed it, along the Embankment, past Vauxhall,
FX: Door handle
turned, slams door, long pause, door handle turned
SEAGOON: (drunk,
singing) April in Paris, Aaaaaaapri (hiccup)
GRAMS: Man falling
in water, splashing in water
SEAGOON:
(distant)Heeeelp! Heeelp! I'm drowning, and I'm with the dreaded alcohol!
BLOODNOK: (over splashing and calls) Thund me
ninging nurgelers, is it? Gad, but no! Where's me old photographs? It's me old
bat man Neddy Seagoon having a swim in mid-February, the naughty man! I say
there Seagoon, it's me!
SEAGOON: Heeeeelp!
BLOODNOK: Me, Major
Bloodnok, of the Third Regular Army Deserters. I say, Seagoon, remember that
day in
SEAGOON: I'm drowning!
BLOODNOK: Don't
interrupt, please. I took her to Grant road and - what? Drowning, you say?
Surely not drowning!
SEAGOON: Heeeeeelp!
BLOODNOK: Not Neddy
Seagoon drowning, not my old bat man, not drowning! Why you were the plunging
and trudgeon stroke champion of
SEAGOON: (gurgling
water) Help me!
BLOODNOK: 1904! I
remember now. Save you, lad? I can't swim, lad. But wait a moment, I know a
fellow at Hackney who's an excellent swimmer. I'll go and get him. Lend me the
cab fare, lad
SEAGOON: Get me out!
BLOODNOK: What? Give us
your hand then
GRAMS: Struggling to
get man out of water
SEAGOON: (closer)
Thanks, now here, here's five shillings -
FX: Coins
jangling
SEAGOON: Now hurry up
and get him before I drown
BLOODNOK: Right. No no,
wait! You're soaking wet! Laddie, let we wring out your wallet, and that watch!
That gold Hunter, they mustn't be dropped in water these Hunters you know!?
It'll get ruined in that water. Oh you naughty man you! I'll preserve it for
you, lad. Now take off that damp money belt you have on, rheumatics, my
goodness you mustn't have those sort of things. That's right, lad. Now off with
those wet clothes, coat and trousers, vest and underpants, shoes and - (Aside) Oh we'll flog this lot - Good
Heavens man! What? You can't stand there naked, get back in the water, there!
SEAGOON: Right! Hup!
GRAMS: Huge splash
SEAGOON: (distant)
Heeeeelp!
BLOODNOK: I say, wait
there, don't go away
GRAMS: Running
footsteps going into distance
SEAGOON: I never saw
him again. I dragged myself ashore on a pipe. A pipe that I discovered - so
this was Grytpype's game, ey? He'd been pumping water out of the Thames at
GRAMS: Big Ben
chimes over speech
SEAGOON: (whisper)
Shhh! This way! Got the dynamite?
BLUEBOTTLE: I have got
the dynamite, my Captain. Enter Bluebottle, pauses for light audience
sausanges, thank you! Moves forward under gas light as done by George Raft in
"I am the Law". Thinks: I have moved under the gas light as done by
George Raft in "I am the Law"!
SEAGOON: Shhh! Eccles?
ECCLES: Eccles? Oh,
that's me!
SEAGOON: Help little
Bluebottle arrange the dynamite
ECCLES: Okay. You
ready to start, Bluebottle?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, I'm
ready. Pulls out cardboard cut-out sword
ECCLES: Ooh! Mind
what you're doing!
BLUEBOTTLE: Long live the
SEAGOON: Shut up!
ECCLES: Shut up!
SEAGOON: Shut up
Eccles!
ECCLES: Shut up
Eccles!
SEAGOON: Come on, get
the rest of the dynamite off Ellington's head
ECCLES: Come on now!
ELLINGTON: Me carry
dynamite! Me strong!
BLUEBOTTLE: Are you
strong Ellingta?
ELLINGTON: Me strong!
BLUEBOTTLE: Ooh! Are you
strong, Eccles?
ECCLES: No, I 'aint
strong, are you?
BLUEBOTTLE: No, but
Ellinga's strong
ECCLES: I 'aint
strong
BLUEBOTTLE: He is!
ELLINGTON: Me strong!
GREENSLADE: While our
heroes are deciding who is strong we take you now in to Mr. Seagoon's stomach
to hear how the oyster has fared
GRAMS: Bubbling and
wailing voices
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: And here
along the great Duodenal Tract of the great Seagoon intestine I see approaching
the boiled spuds he had at breakfast, followed by closely that foul meatloaf
salad he noshed at the BBC canteen. There's no sign yet of the oyster, but yes!
Here now comes a dirty great dollop of steam duff and three quarts of mild that
he woofed down during the rehearsals. And yes! Here comes four pounds of mixed
chocolate and 8 pints of tea, soup, liquorice allsorts and lastly the oyster!
GRAMS: (Pre-recording)
Spriggs: (Sings) “I’m only a strolling vagabond”… Donkey braying. Military band
and regiment on parade – at high speed. Bugle playing advance. Sounds of
battle, shouts, screams, cannon.
SEAGOON:
Now
to arrange for a
GRAMS: Whoosh!
MORIARTY: Ah, there's
no need for that. Look we have a new one already made for you
SEAGOON: Good Heavens!
By Jupiter! Etcetera Etcetera! And I thought you were both villains!
MORIARTY: Waaugh!
Listen, you go aboard and examine it at once
SEAGOON: By Jove, I'll
do just that!
GRYTPYPE: Have you
bored holes in the bottom, Moriarty?
MORIARTY: Yes, it will
sink in 10 minutes (sings) April in Paree!
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, Captain!
I've lit the dynamite under the pump... Oh! Hee-hee! You're not my captain!
You're Morinartins, the forces of Evils!
MORIARTY: You're going
to blow up our pump? You run right back and put that dynamite out
BLUEBOTTLE: But it's
burning!
MORIARTY: Get back at
once!
BLUEBOTTLE: All right!
GRAMS: Whoosh!
BLUEBOTTLE: (far away) It
hasn't burnt down quite yet, so I'll...
GRAMS: Boom! bricks
and metal bars hit ground
BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten
swine, you! I'm fed up with being deaded every week. Eccles never gets deaded,
why doesn't Eccles ever get dead...
GRAMS: Boom!
ECCLES: (distant)
Your rotten swine, Bluebottle!
BLUEBOTTLE: Tee-hee!
That's better! Tee-hee! Exits left, much happier. Picks up loose bonce, shins
and spare feet
SEAGOON: Ah! There you
are, Grytpype
GRYTPYPE: So I am
SEAGOON: I must say
that this new pier you provided is absolutely perfect. I'll buy it!
GRYTPYPE: Right, sign
here...
FX: Pen scratching paper
GRYTPYPE: ...here, this
cheque, bank guarantee, credit note, postal orders, travellers cheques and
finally sign this Will. There, good lad! Moriarty?
Grytpype-Thynne and
MORIARTY: One, two,
hup...
GRAMS: Big
Splash
SEAGOON: (distant)
Heeelp!
MORIARTY: Taxi?
GRAMS: Whoosh
Whoosh!
SEAGOON: (distant)
Heeeelp!
BLOODNOK: Thud me
cringing nurglers, is it? It can't be! Where's me old photographs
SEAGOON: (distant)
Heeeelp!
BLOODNOK: It's my old
bat man Neddy Seagoon
SEAGOON: (distant) Oh
no, go away...
BLOODNOK: I've got a
money belt...
SEAGOON: Go away!
(fades out with the two screaming at each other)
GREENSLADE: Ladies,
according to page 24 of my radio Times, you should have been hearing the Six
Ingots of Leadenhall Street, but I fear the Goons have lied to the Editor and
not carried out the intended story. It's a disgrace- Goodnight!
ORCHESTRA: End theme
tune
GREENSLADE: That was the
Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and
Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra
was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes,
announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton.
BLOODNOK: Gad, it's the
old wireless star Greenslade, oh yes!
ORCHESTRA: End theme
tune and play out