NINETEEN
EIGHTY FIVE
(Second performance)
GOON
SHOW: TLO 71798
5TH
SERIES: No 20
1st BROADCAST: 8 Feb 1955
GREENSLADE: This is the
BBC Home Service
SELLERS: Big Brother
is watching YOU!
ECCLES: Ohhhh
FX: Gong
SECOMBE: Listeners!
You are warned this program is NOT to be listened to! (Maniacal laughter, ends
in coughing fit)
BLUEBOTTLE: Ehh ehh! I
don't like this game
GREENSLADE: The BBC would
like to caution parents this program is unsuitable for the very young, the very
old, the middle aged, those just going off, those on the turn, young dogs and
Alderman John Snagge.
FX: Gong
SELLERS: This is the
story of the year 1985
CAST: Wailing...
Orchestra: Tea party
dance music
SEAGOON: My name is
846 Winston Seagoon. I am a worker in the great news collecting centre of the
Big Brother Corporation, or as you knew it the BBC. In every room is a TV
screen that gives out stream of orders.
BIG BROTHER: Attention
people of
ECCLES: Ooh its good
to be alive, in 1985.
BIG BROTHER: Now here is
announcer 283947625232476954327618976/2
SEAGOON: Good old
Greenslade.
GREENSLADE: Special
interest to BBC workers. By mixing water with earth our scientists have
invented MUD! Its now on sale in the BBC canteen under the name of Macaroni Au
Gratin or coffee.
SEAGOON: Big fat slob,
get off the screen
GRYTPYPE: Worker
Seagoon, did I hear you complaining?
SEAGOON: Ohh, Vision
Master Ronny Waldman.
GRYTPYPE: You are not
complaining about our new BBC TV are you?
SEAGOON: No, oh no. I
..
GRYTPYPE: What is the
finest TV program in the world?
SEAGOON: Kaleidoscope!
GRYTPYPE: You are forgiven.
As a penance you will put a copy of the Radio Times in your window. Don't
forget to watch tonights program.
SEAGOON: Yes, ask Son
of Pickles.
GRYTPYPE: Yes. Tonight
he hopes to have a one legged dying Eskimo play the piano for him. Now
everybody, face the TV screen. Time for the 'Hate Half Hour'.
BIG BROTHER: Attention
all! On the screen now is the one man you must hate! The sworn enemy of the Big
Brother Corporation. This is him!
HORACE MIMIC: Listen,
listen! Don't believe them! Listen! BBC workers. Rise and overthrow your
masters before its too late. I will lead you against them. Strike now! Revolt!
SEAGOON: So this was
Horace Mimic. Leader of the ITA.
HORACE MIMIC: Join the
Independent Television Army now.
CAST: HATE! HATE!
HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE!...
BIG BROTHER: STOP! Enough.
Now here is a special announcement from Big Brother!
ORCHESTRA: A Fanfare
BIG BROTHER: BBC workers.
The canteen is now open. Lunch is ready. Doctors are standing by.
SEAGOON: As I sat at
my table eating my boiled water I began to hate Big Brother Corporation.
ECCLES: Hey Winston.
Guess what I found in my dinner.
SEAGOON: What?
ECCLES: Food! Oh its
good to be alive in 1985
SEAGOON: Poor producer
fool. Still 60 years with the Huggetts would turn anyone.
MISS FNUTT: I love you
darling!
ECCLES: I love you
too, darling!
MISS FNUTT: Not you 213
Eccles, you 846 Wintson.
SEAGOON: You are a
woman, aren't you?
MISS FNUTT: Yes.
SEAGOON: Thank heaven,
you have got to be careful these days.
MISS FNUTT: 846 Winston,
darling, I have loved you from afar.
SEAGOON: My favourite
distance. But who are you?
MISS FNUTT: I am 612 Miss
Fnutt. I operate the pornograph machine in the Forbidden Decords department. I
love you, do you hear me!
SEAGOON: No, love is
not for us.
MISS FNUTT: No.
SEAGOON: Love is only
for the higher income group, John Snagge, Audry Cameron and Paul Fenulay.
MISS FNUTT: Let's take a
chance. Lets meet somewhere under the moon alone. We can clasp each other to
each other and then... ohhhh.....
ECCLES: Ohhh! It's
good to be alive, in 1985
SEAGOON: Shutup
Eccles!
ECCLES: Shutup
Eccles!
SEAGOON: Now darling,
where?
MISS FNUTT: Somewhere
noone is listening
SEAGOON: I know the
place. Home Service, 8:30 Tuesday night.
MISS FNUTT: You mean the
forbidden Goon Sector?
SEAGOON: Yes. Wait,
that belt you are wearing...?
MISS FNUTT: It is the
anti-sex league belt
SEAGOON: Ahh emm, I
don't think I'll come.
MISS FNUTT: But you too
are wearing the anti-sex league belt
SEAGOON: I was forced
to!
MISS FNUTT: Why?
SEAGOON: My trousers
kept falling down.
MISS FNUTT: Till Tuesday
darling.
SEAGOON: Till Tuesday.
GRAMS: Horse
galloping away.
SEAGOON: There she
goes, little fairy. That night in my room I sat out of range of the TV screen.
I loved Fnutt, and I hate Big Brother. I wrote it in my diary 'I hate BB, I
hate BB, I hate BB, I hate BB'
FX: Phone rings. Handpiece picked up.
SEAGOON: Hello?
MARX: Don't tell
anybody but I hate BB too.
SEAGOON: Who are you,
Ben Lyon?
MARX: No, I was,
but this script was altered.
SEAGOON: Karl Marx, so
there was an underground movement. I must try and find it. I strode into the
street, pausing only to hear worker Geldray play a perforated haddock sock at
the slope.
MAX GELDRAY – “It had to be you”
SEAGOON: And so I
entered the forbidden Goon Sector of London hoping to contact a member of the
ITA. Once there I went into the notorious public house, 'The Grosvenor'
GRAMS: Noises
suitably apt for a bawdy house
BLOODNOK: Now lads I
know you are all enjoying yourselves, but silence please, silence for the
cabaret. I have pleasure in presenting those glamourous Grandmothers the three
Beverley Sisters.
FX: Gun shot!
BLOODNOK: Correction,
the Beverley Twins.
FX: Gun shot!
BLOODNOK: Miss Beverley
will sing.
FX: Gun shot!
BLOODNOK: Everybody
dance!
GRAMS: Bar piano
playing.
SEAGOON: To think,
this used to be
BLUEBOTTLE: Ehh!
SEAGOON: I'm sorry I
did't see you.
BLUEBOTTLE: You did not
hurt me. Enter Bluebottle the toast of the Goon Sector. Thank you fellow Goons
for the sausages.
SEAGOON: What is that
plain wrapper book you are reading?
BLUEBOTTLE: It is a
naughty little bookule. Listen to this. In the darkness she felt his hot breath
on her bed rails. Then a warm hand fell on her marble washstand.
SEAGOON: STOP! Stop,
stop that at once. Give me that book!
BLUEBOTTLE: Why?
SEAGOON: I want to
read it. What's it called?
BLUEBOTTLE: It's called 'Mrs
Dale's Real Diary'
SEAGOON: Mrs Dale's?
Heavens, would the BBC stop at nothing? So this was how they kept the masses
from thinking.
BLUEBOTTLE: Hehehe! Look
at this page! Ehh! It's a 3D picture of Mrs Dale in her nightshirt being chased
by Richard Dimbleby... ehh! ehh! oooohhhh. Pauses to wipe drool off chin.
SEAGOON: I had to go
outside. I couldn't bear to watch these poor Goons wallow in misery. It was
then I wandered into an antique shop.
FX: door opens,
shop bell rings
PROPRIETOR: [singing]
I've got a luverly bunch of coconuts...
SEAGOON: Good evening.
Do you mind if I take a gander around the shop?
PROPRIETOR: No, as long
as its housetrained.
SEAGOON: I say! What's
this old object?
PROPRIETOR: That,
beautiful isn't it, it's called a cricket bat.
SEAGOON: Oh yes... yes
... did they have test matches way back?
PROPRIETOR: Yes... that's
right. As a matter of fact this bat was used in the very last match by Len
Hutton. You can see it is quite unmarked
SEAGOON: Old man, tell
me,- what was it like back in 1954.
PROPRIETOR: Well we had
sports and games, coloured movies, Charlie Chester, Monkhouse, Rupert Harding…
Oh it was terrible.
FX: shop bell
ECCLES: Listen, look
who I bought along
MISS FNUTT: Hello
dearest.
SEAGOON: Darling,
darling I love you
ECCLES: And I love
you too
SEAGOON: Shut up
Eccles
ECCLES: Shut up, you!
MISS FNUTT: We were
looking in the window for antiques and we saw you
SEAGOON: Huh erm! We
mustn't be seen together, quick into this room
FX: Door opens
and closes.
MISS FNUTT: Darling, alone
at last.
SEAGOON: Oh dearest
Fnutt, let me kiss you.
ECCLES: Oh! Don't
start yet, I'll get a chair
SEAGOON: Eccles you go
outside and keep watch
ECCLES: I can watch
better in here
FX: Door opens.
SEAGOON: Eccles!
There's the door, And now dearest, alone at last
ECCLES: Alone at last
SEAGOON: Eccles! Get
out or I'll...
ECCLES: Ok...
FX: Door closes.
ECCLES: Huh! Telling
me to get out. See if I care. I don't care, I don't, I just don't care that's
all. Slamming the door like that, they can stop in there all night for all I
care. I don't mind I will wait here until they have finished. I don't mind.
SEAGOON: WILL YOU STOP
MUTTERING AND GET OUT!
ECCLES: Ok.
FX: Door slams!
ECCLES: Oh!
BLUEBOTTLE: Ehhh!!
ECCLES: Bluebottle?
BLUEBOTTLE: Eccles!
ECCLES: Here, you
were looking through the key hole.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes I was.
ECCLES: It's naughty
to look through the key hole, very very naughty to look through the keyhole
BLUEBOTTLE: Well stop
looking through it when you are talking to me!
ECCLES: I was only
looking because, I tell you something, I aint never seen a fella kiss a girl
before.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ohh ...
haven't you Eccles?
ECCLES: Nooo! Here,
here.
BLUEBOTTLE: What Eccles?
ECCLES: Have you ever
kissed a girl?
BLUEBOTTLE: Ehh!! Not
gonna tell you
ECCLES: Come on, come
on, I won't tell anybody.
BLUEBOTTLE: I'm not going
to say, I'm a man of mystery.
ECCLES: But I'm your
friend. Come on ... have you ever kissed a girl?
BLUEBOTTLE: Ehhhhh!!
Yes!!!
Bluebottle and Eccles: [Laughing]
BLUEBOTTLE: Eccles, I've
seen something you haven't seen
ECCLES: What's that?
BLUEBOTTLE: I have seen,
I've seen my sister's washing on the line!
Bluebottle and Eccles: [Laughing]
ECCLES: Ohhh,- It's
good to be alive.
BLUEBOTTLE: I'm a happygolucky
man. Thinks, I'm a happygolucky man.
FX: Door opens
SEAGOON: What's all
this noise! You, what do you want?
BLUEBOTTLE: I have a
messenge, if you want to join the Independent Television Army, report at once
to number
SEAGOON: Are you
certain?
BLUEBOTTLE: Perfectly
SEAGOON: Right let's
go!
FX: Whoosh,
Whoosh, Wawhoosh
SEAGOON: [Out of
breath] Here we are. Number 10, the ITA head quarters
GRYTPYPE: Oh Winston,
I've been expecting you
SEAGOON: Vision Master
Waldman, what are you doing?
GRYTPYPE: Don't be
frightened. I am a secret member of the Independent Television Army.
SEAGOON: I had a
feeling you were. I knew it by the little things, the way you smiled at me
across the room, the way you touched my hair when you passed my chair [sings]
Little things meeeeeeeeean a lot!
GRYTPYPE: You silly
twisted boy you. Now then, you want to join ITA?
SEAGOON: Yes
GRYTPYPE: What do you
know about television?
SEAGOON: Three years
at the BBC staff training college.
GRYTPYPE: What did you
learn?
SEAGOON: Nothing.
GRYTPYPE: Good. We'll
make you a director. Now say after me, down with the BBC
SEAGOON: Down with the
BBC!
GRYTPYPE: Drink!
FX: smashing
glasses
SEAGOON: We drank and
smashed our glasses in the fire place, I had to borrow a spare pair to find my
way home. As I walked home I paused only to build a rough brick radiogram to
play a record of Ray Ellington and his proles.
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET - 'Shake Rattle and Roll'
BIG BROTHER: Silence! Stop
! Attention! 846 Winston Seagoon. You are under arrest for conspiring with the
Independent Television Army. You will wait detention by the studio attendants,
you will then be prepared for the agonising death type three.
SEAGOON: Had they
suspected me?
BIG BROTHER: Silence!! You
will be taken to room 101!
SEAGOON: No! Not 101,
not the listening room! Oh noo!!! [cries in fear]
GREENSLADE: I would just
like to mention that the Radio Times is now on sale at all book stores price
thruppence, and jolly good value for money it is too.
SEAGOON: No ! No! Let
me go! Why are they strapping me in this box? Why these earphones?
GRYTPYPE: Hello
Winston, laddy
SEAGOON: Vision Master
Waldman. So they got you too
GRYTPYPE: Yes, they got
me a long time ago. I remember the date, Monday night at 8. Now Winston, we
must torture you..
SEAGOON: You .. you
traitor, you decieved me.
GRYTPYPE: Yes, of course
you can save yourself
SEAGOON: How?
GRYTPYPE: Just sign
this three year BBC contract.
SEAGOON: What if I
refuse?
GRYTPYPE: You have no
option
SEAGOON: A BBC
contract with no option? Impossible. What has become of my beloved? What have
you done to Miss Fnutt?
GRYTPYPE: Fnutt will
never walk the streets again.
SEAGOON: Why not?
GRYTPYPE: She's bought
a scooter. Now are you going to sign?
SEAGOON: No no!
GRYTPYPE: Greenslade,
turn the knob to 247 metres.
FX: [Radio
program]
SEAGOON: No! No stop
it! Stop it! Stop it ! I can't stand it!
GRYTPYPE: You going to
sign, Winston?
SEAGOON: No!
GRYTPYPE: Greenslade,
330 meters
FX: [Radio
program]
SEAGOON: You fiend to
let me hear that.
GRYTPYPE: Sign!
SEAGOON: No!
GRYTPYPE: You won't
sign?
SEAGOON: No!
GRYTPYPE: Greenslade...
GRAMS: Radio program
of pub sing songs which speeds up
SEAGOON: NO!!! Not
that!!
GRYTPYPE: I warn you
Winston, we can change people into somebody else. You know Eccles?
SEAGOON: Yes
GRYTPYPE: He used to be
Izzy Bon.
SEAGOON: You're lying.
GRYTPYPE: You think so?
Greenslade, call Barbara Kelly
GREENSLADE: Miss
Kellyyyyyyyyy
ELLINGTON: Yes, you
calling me Ronnie?
GRYTPYPE: Ahh, Barbara
dear, what's your line?
ELLINGTON: A coloured
television.
GRYTPYPE: Thank you,
dear, back on the old flying wire
SEAGOON: You fiend.
Poor Barbara Kelly
GRYTPYPE: On the
contrary, we think it is a great improvement.
SEAGOON: It must be
terrible at Bedtime with Braden
GRYTPYPE: Well it gets
dark early in
SEAGOON: So the awful
torture went on. In three days I lost ten stone. My weight went down to a mere
twenty stone. I looked so old and ill, Wilfred Pickles demanded me for his TV
program. Then the torture started again!
SECOMBE: [Singing]
SEAGOON: No! No! Stop!
It's agony, stop that voice, stop that voice, stop it! Who's is it?
GRYTPYPE: YOURS!
SEAGOON: [Applauding]
More! Bravo! more! let's have him back again, short fat fellow with the
glasses, more, more!
GRYTPYPE: Moriaty? Take
over, I'm going to Jim Davidson for a saxophone lesson.
BIG BROTHER: Very good.
Little torturer?
BLUEBOTTLE: Enter
torturer Bluebottle, with junior cardboard cut out torture kit.
BIG BROTHER: Listen little
Lurgi ridden Yako. Prepare the screaming agony rack.
BLUEBOTTLE: Goody Goody!
Thinks, perhaps 1985 is going to be a good year for Bluebottle. Starts to get
agony set ready
SEAGOON: No,
Bluebottle, don't do it . Remember me? I'm your old pal Neddie Seagoon? Your
friend?? Remember me?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes? My
friend, you are the one who deads me every week, aren't you. Ehhh!! Thinks, I
know the very thing for him. Prepares dirty big pile of dreaded dynamite. Ehh!
I like this game now, I do, I like this.
SEAGOON: Bluebottle,
stop!
BLUEBOTTLE: There. All is
ready for the dreaded deading of the traitor Seagoon. Ladies and gentlemen I
want you to witness, that, for the first timules in the history of the Goon
Shones, Bluenbottens will not be deaded. Observe. I light a 100 foot fuse, so.
Now all that remains is for me to escape. Taxi, to the airport!
FX: Car driving
off
BLUEBOTTLE: Stop!
Airplane, drive me to
FX: Jet taking
off.
BLUEBOTTLE: Stop! Horse,
drive to the desert.
FX: Horse hooves.
BLUEBOTTLE: Ladies and
gentlemenins. Observe. I am now 6000 miles away from the dreaded dynamite. Here
I am safe in the middle of the desert.
FX: Explosion
BLUEBOTTLE: Ehhh!!! You
rotten swines you! Exits left, never to play this rotten game again, never
never, thinks, all right then,e next week. Ohh, look at my knees, they've gone.
SEAGOON: Meantime back
in the BBC listening room I struggled to free myself before the dynamite
exploded.
BLOODNOK: Don't worry
Seagoon.
SEAGOON: Bloodnok,
Eccles?
BLUEBOTTLE: Quick, untie
him.
ECCLES: OK, I had
better hurry up before the ....
FX: Explosion
ECCLES: That's got
his legs free.
SEAGOON: Yes, but
where are they??
ECCLES: Here they
are.
HORACE MIMIC: Attention!
Attention! Face the TV screens.
SEAGOON: Look, it's
Horace Mimic.
HORACE MIMIC: Listen,
listen! Great news! After a telephone conversation lasting three days, and
bribes worth 10 pounds I have gained control of the BBC.
SEAGOON: Hurray!
Freedom at last!
HORACE MIMIC: And here is
the first of our new style Independent Television Army programmes.
GRAMS: [Horrible
light entertainment radio programme]
SEAGOON: No!!!
ORCHESTRA: End theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the
Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and
Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra
was conducted by Bruce Campbell, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes,
announcer Wallace Greenslade, the program produced by Peter Eton.