GOON SHOW: TLO 63962
5TH SERIES: No 2
1st BROADCAST: 5 Oct 1954
Script by Spike Milligan
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC.
SEAGOON: Yes indeed. It's the highly esteemed Goon Show.
GRAMS: Funeral march. Wailing over.
SEAGOON: Stop! Everyone back to their own beds. Maestro: Mood music.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic chords.
GREENSLADE: Ladies and Gentelpong, the Goons, in direct conflict with the British Arts council, present number twenty-three in their series of six: Crimes my mother taught me. This week, for one month only, we give you ...
ORCHESTRA: Short sharp horror chord.
THROAT: Death in the Desert.
ORCHESTRA: Further sinister chords.
GREENSLADE: The lost goldmine was alleged to have been found by a hybrid lunatic French French miner, Andrea Charlotte, who died without telling where it was. Rain on the coast, fog patches. Harry Seagoon follows in a few moments.
SEAGOON: HarrHaHaHa ha hu hu hu (sinister laugh) I knew where
the lost gold mine was. You see
MILLIGAN: That was the voice of young Neddie Seagoon, who is
even now bound for the
GRAMS: Waves lapping, seagulls calling.
GRYTPYPE: I met Neddie Seagoon onboard my ship the SS Filthmuck, registered at Lloyds as a dustbin.
SEAGOON: Yes, as it was a cattle boat, I disguised myself as a steer, and travelled steerage. (Laughs) Hahahaha. Travelled steerage, huha! Ahem.
GRYTPYPE: Ahoy there ship-mate.
SEAGOON: I turned to meet the owner of the voice.
GRYTPYPE: Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Hercules Grytpype-Thynne. Captain of this noble ship.
SEAGOON: I wondered why you wore three lifeboats. By the way I'm Neddie Seagoon.
GRYTPYPE: A terrible disease.
SEAGOON: I'm on my way to
GRYTPYPE: What a co-incidence, so is the ship.
SEAGOON: Really? I'm glad I came.
GRYTPYPE: What are you doing during the voyage?
SEAGOON: I'm stopping on board the ship.
GRYTPYPE: Cleaver lad. Listen, tonight I'm having a small card party in my cabin.
SEAGOON: I love playing small cards.
GRYTPYPE: Ahoy there matey. See you at seventeen and a half quarter past.
SEAGOON: Oh, first class. I do hope you like… (Self fade cross talk)
GRAMS: Ocean waves, seagulls.
ORCHESTRA: Harp glissandi.
FX: GROANING AND STRETCHING OF SHIP OVER:
MORIARTY: haha, So I said who are you, and he said Mother Brown! So I said 'Knees up'
GRYTPYPE: Oh, really.
MORIARTY: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
FX: Door opens.
GRYTPYPE: Oh Neddie, little Neddie. Come in matey.
SEAGOON: Thank you matey.
GRYTPYPE: Neddie, this is Count Moriarty, the famous French Morris dancer.
SEAGOON: Oh, How do you do?
MORIARTY: C'est si bon.
MORIARTY: Eiffel tower.
GRYTPYPE: Splendid Neddie, splendid. Who said Latin was a dead language.
GRYTPYPE: Who's Fred?
SEAGOON: He's the man who said 'Latin was a dead language'.
MORIARTY: Please. Now messieurs what shall we play?
SEAGOON: Pontoon? Halfpenny a time, what do you say?
GRYTPYPE: I say Gin-Rummy, ten pounds a point.
FX: FLICK OF PACK OF CARDS AS SHUFFLED.
SEAGOON: (gulp) I'm sorry I haven't much money on me.
MORIARTY: Oh, don't worry, we'll take an IOU.
SEAGOON: I haven't any IOUs either. huh hu (nervous laugh)
GRYTPYPE: Well don't bother, we'll lend you one.
SEAGOON: Splendid, lets play.
MORIARTY: Pon der tour (??).
SEAGOON: Shar de leaf (??).
SEAGOON: Who's Fred.
GRYTPYPE: Don't you remember? He's the man who said 'Latin was a dead language'.
MORIARTY: Please gentlemen place your bets, pick up your cards.
SEAGOON: Hmm hmm. Lets see what kind of a hand I've got, hmm hmm. Four fingers and one thumb. Right gents, I'll go thruppence on this. There's my hand four aces.
GRYTPYPE: Sorry Seacombe (??), I've got five. There, thruppence please.
SEAGOON: Well, hahaha, that's cleared me out. Well here's my IOU for ...
SEAGOON: ... three pence. Thank you for everything... Goodnight!
FX: DOOR CLOSES.
MORIARTY: Sachri Blur. You said he had money.
GRYTPYPE: Steady dear Moriarty. Look what he's written his IOU on.
MORIARTY: Sapristi bon petol (??). A treasure map.
GRYTPYPE: Yeessss. This is the map of Andrea Charlotte's mine. So ...
FX: GREAT TEARING SOUND.
GRYTPYPE: There, half for you, half for me. Now we can't twist each other, ayy, partner?
MORIARTY: ha ha ha ha. But
wait, as soon as we reach
MORIARTY: ... and then, heh heh heh heh heh, Gold!
GRAMS: both laughing together, speeding up to woody woodpecker speed.
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC CHORD (ALL OVER THE PLACE) THEN NAUTICAL THEME, ENDING WITH HORN/TRUMPET (??).
SEAGOON: When we
MAX GELDRAY -
MILLIGAN: Ohhh, Following Count Moriarty, and Captain
Grytpype-Thynne led Neddie Seagoon to the deserted mining
FX:BANGING ON DESK BELL CONTINUOUSLY UNDER:
SEAGOON: Anybody in? Service, service for a weary traveller? A weary traveller who has come many miles across the ocean, tired and worn. Is there no one who will answer the bell for this tired and weary traveller?
BANNISTER:(off) I'm coming buddy!
FX: RINGING STOPS. CLOMPING SLOWLY DOWN STAIRS CONTINUES UNDER NEXT THREE LINES:
BANNISTER: (off) I'm coming buddy.
SEAGOON: Right glad am I to hear the sound of a human voice.
BANNISTER:(off) I'm coming buddy. don't get a paddy on. Oh dear, dear, dear. (on mic.) Oh, why do they make these stairs so long. I don't know, Ahhh mmm I'm coming buddy (out of breath), ohh dear dear (breathing heavily) oh dear, You Harry Seagoon?
BANNISTER: Round (??) here buddy.
SEAGOON: About time too buddy.
BANNISTER: You must have patience buddy.
SEAGOON: Patience? I've been ringing for three days.
BANNISTER: I know, it's been keeping me awake at night. Oh, dear, dear, dear, now, what do you want buddy?
SEAGOON: A bed for the night.
BANNISTER: Oh, dear.
SEAGOON: Are you full up?
BANNISTER: Yes, I've just had my dinner. I'll see if I can get a bed for you, just wait here buddy.
FX: DOOR OPENED AND CLOSED. PISTOL SHOT. SCREAM ARRGGGHH. (THUD ??). DOOR OPENED.
BANNISTER: Room for one buddy. Oh ... Oh dear, I'll get the boy to carry your bags. Boyeee, boyeeeeeeeee, come on yukuba yuka (??) boy, ~~~ ~~~ Henry, Henry boy.
CRUN:(off) I'm coming Minnie.
BANNISTER: Come on. ...
FX: CLOMPING DOWN STAIRS CONTINUES UNDER:
BANNISTER: Come on boy. He's coming.
CRUN: (off) I'm coming.
BANNISTER: Come on buddy, the man wants ...
CRUN: I'm coming min.
FX: CLOMPING ON STAIRS STOPS.
BANNISTER: ... his bags ~~~ ~~~. Come on now.
CRUN: Now sir, where are your bags?
SEAGOON: I haven't got any.
BANNISTER: Off you go buddy.
CRUN: I ..
FX: CLOMPING ON STAIRS.
BANNISTER: Goodbye buddy. goodbye ~~~ you.
ORCHESTRA: 'LATER' CHORD.
GREENSLADE: That night in the dusty bedroom, Neddie Seagoon sat brooding.
SEAGOON: (broody chicken clucking etc noises).
BLOODNOK: I say, I say you midget. Can't you stop that naughty chicken noise?
SEAGOON: Who are you sir?
BLOODNOK: Bloodnok's the name. Major Dennis Bloodnok, I'm prospecting for gold.
SEAGOON: Oh, Are you a miner?
BLOODNOK: No, I'm sixty two. ... Oh I see, miner? Yes. Yes, why?
SEAGOON: Well, I'm a bit of a miner.
BLOODNOK: Really, for a moment I thought you were Fred.
SEAGOON: Who's Fred?
BLOODNOK: He's the fella who said Latin was a dead language.
SEAGOON: No, no, no, I'm not him, I'm Ned Seagoon.
FX: PENNY IN PLATE.
SEAGOON: Thank you. I'm here to look for the lost mine of
BLOODNOK: Ohh, ho, ho, you, you poor blind fool. There's no such place, it's all a fable. Only an idiot would believe in it.
SEAGOON: I have a map of its location.
BLOODNOK: I've always believed in the lost gold mine, always. Now where's the map.
SEAGOON: I haven't got it.
BLOODNOK: There's no such place I tell you, it's a fable, only an idiot would believe in it.
SEAGOON: I know where the map is buddy.
BLOODNOK: I've always believed in it buddy, always. Who's got the map?
SEAGOON: Two crooks, Count Moriarty and Captain Grytpype-Thynne.
BLOODNOK: Ohhh, rea- ohh, ohh de ohh.
SEAGOON: You know them?
BLOODNOK: Know them? Was one called Count Moriarty?
BLOODNOK: and the other Captain Grytpype-Thynne?
BLOODNOK: Great crongolers of steaming thund, they went through this town just three hours ago.
SEAGOON: What? If we hurry we can catch them up - come on!
ORCHESTRA:CHASE MUSIC. FOLLOWED BY DRAMATIC BEATS. BONG, BONG, BONG ON LARGE DRUM.
FX: TRUDGE OF FEET ON GRAVEL UNDER:
MORIARTY: (off) Helllpp, au secours, duay (??) helllpp.
BLOODNOK: Either that man's a snob or he's a foreigner.
SEAGOON: No Bloodnok. It's Count Moriarty buried up to his neck in the sand.
MORIARTY: Help me, pleaseeee hellllppp.
SEAGOON: So! we meet again. Face to foot.
MORIARTY: That, that swine Grytpype-Thynne, he tied me up, slapped me in chains, buried me up to my neck in the sand when I wasn't looking ...
SEAGOON: I'm going to leave you to die
BLOODNOK: Now, now Seagoon, the man might be attacked by soaking wet Elephants.
SEAGOON: Whhhhat? The nearest Elephants are across the
BLOODNOK: How do you think they get soaking wet?
SEAGOON: Very well pull him out.
MORIARTY: Oh, mercy, mercy. Now, I will make a deal with you. You see I still have half the treasure map.
SEAGOON: Let me see.
FX: UNFOLDING PARCHMENT.
SEAGOON: He's telling the truth. Half the map, and the half that matters. It's the last mile that leads to the gold mine. That means Grytpype-Thynne can only get half way.
BLOODNOK: Give me that map.
FX: TEARING SOUNDS.
BLOODNOK: There half each, now we're partners.
SEAGOON: Right, now which way did Grytpype-Thynne go?
MORIARTY: ha ha haa, I will tell you if! If you each give me a portion of the map.
SEAGOON: Very well, there.
BLOODNOK: And there's my bit.
(ALL THREE TALKING AT THE SAME TIME:)
MORIARTY: Mercy, Now ~~ how do you do (??) ~~
SEAGOON: Take care of ... ~~~ hat.
BLOODNOK: I must ...
GREENSLADE: So that listeners are not confused, by the number of map portions now in existence, here's an exact tally of the present distribution: Captain Hercules Grytpype-Thynne - one half; Major Bloodnok - one quarter less one eight given to Count Moriarty; Neddie Seagoon - one quarter less one eighth given to Moriarty; Moriarty - one quarter. Henry Crun - nil.
MILLIGAN: (sing song) Meantime ten miles ahead in the blistering desert Grytpype-Thynne plods through the desert and makes a discovery.
GRAMS: Boots trudging on sound.
GRYTPYPE: Oh, what a fool I am, this half of the map only leads me up to this point, dash it. Lost in this desert and five hundred miles from the nearest human being.
ECCLES: Pardon me! Captain Grytpype-Thynne?
ECCLES: Letter for you.
GRYTPYPE: Oh, let me see.
FX: Paper tearing.
GRYTPYPE: Dear sir, please give the bearer of this letter a glass of water. Who wrote this?
ECCLES: I did. I'm thirsty, Hah ha ha.
GRYTPYPE: Ohhh, Where do you come from?
ECCLES: Me? I'm mad Dan Eccles and I live in the Lost Gold Mine of Charlotte.
GRYTPYPE: What? Wait, if you live there,
ECCLES: Hu hol.
GRYTPYPE: How is it that you've never taken the gold back to town and cashed in on it?
ECCLES: Well, I don't know my way back to the town. I only know my way from the mine to here.
GRYTPYPE: Well I have a map that leads from here, (draws breath), to the town.
ECCLES: Oooool. Here, I'm no fool, here! If you give me a bit of the map, I'll show you the wayyy toooo the mine.
GRYTPYPE: Righty ho matey.
GRYTPYPE: There, half each, ayy, partner? hehehehehe.
ECCLES: Partner? ahoho, partner he says, oh this is fun, huhuhum, my partner.
GRYTPYPE: (aside) Little does this poor goon know that the moment he shows me the gold mine, it's curtains for him.
ECCLES: (aside) Little does he know that I've already got some curtains.
GRYTPYPE: Right ...
GRYTPYPE: You won that one.
GRYTPYPE: Lead on partner.
ECCLES: Ohh partner! Here, tell me, this is fun, do you come here often?
GRYTPYPE: Only during the eclipse of the sun.
ECCLES: Oh good, good. And how's you old dad?
GRYTPYPE: He hasn't written since he died.
ECCLES: Oh, I hope he's isn't ill.
GREENSLADE: Meantime from the compost heap of a wealth Hittite dustman, we hear the sound of Ray Ellington and his Quartet of four.
RAY ELLINGTON -
ORCHESTRA: LINKING CHORDS.
BLOODNOK: (panting) I say Seagoon, any signs of Captain Grytpype-Thynne yet?
BLOODNOK: Oh, then leave me lad, I'm done for.
BLOODNOK: Just leave me here to die in peace. With me home perm kit and one copy of the dreadful disclosures of Maria Monk.
SEAGOON: Very well Bloodnok, if you die I'll leave you this shovel to bury yourself with.
BLOODNOK: Thank you.
SEAGOON: Come on Moriarty. This is a grim business. Exits left, wearily.
BLOODNOK: Ohhh, there they go.
ORCHESTRA: Violin under.
BLOODNOK: Leaving old Bloodnok to die in the desert. I don't want to die, I'm too old for that. Still, here I am alone in the desert, alone save for the sand, the cactus, and that Red-Indian who insists on playing that blasted violin!
CHIEF: Me Chief Worri Guts, me only play music to heighten
effect. In all
BLOODNOK: Wait. (aside) This Indian goon might save the day.
BLOODNOK: If you carry me on back.
BLOODNOK: And catch up with my friends, me give you bit of treasure map.
CHIEF: Oh dum, oh dum.
CHIEF: Aaah, get im up on back.
BLOODNOK: Right, ho ooh ho ho, these feathers, oh ho ho.
CHIEF: Now me got piece of treasure map. From now on me in story, me got um speaking part.
BLOODNOK: gid-up there.
GREENSLADE: Present map holdings: Captain Grytpype-Thynne - one forth; Mad Dan Eccles - one forth; Count Moriarty - one forth; Neddie Seagoon - one eighth; Major Bloodnok - one sixteenth; Chief Worri Guts - one sixteenth; Henry Crun - nil.
SEAGOON: Fifty miles further on, Moriarty and I made a discovery.
MORIARTY: (come in to mic.) Christi pombets. Look - at this juncture Grytpype-Thynne's footsteps are joined by another set.
SEAGOON: Gad. He's grown another pair of legs.
MORIARTY: Or, he's met somebody else.
SEAGOON:(doubtfully) That is a second possibility.
MORIARTY: Yes. You see, they move around the cactus bush six paces,
SEAGOON: That's right
MORIARTY: Then forward ten paces over here.
MORIARTY: And in a straight line twenty paces. What can they have been doing?
SEAGOON: The fox-trot.
MORIARTY: Curses, they're too fast for us.
SEAGOON: Yes, our only chance would be the quick step.
MORIARTY: I'm sorry, I can only tango.
SEAGOON: Curse. Is there no one who can help us?
BLUEBOTTLE: I heard you call me my capi-tan. I heard you call me. Springs from behind cactus bush, pauses for audience applause. Not a sausage. Moves left.
SEAGOON: Speak little stringy wreck, who are you?
BLUEBOTTLE: I am junior desert ranger Bluebottle. Gives secret sign known only to East-Acton boys club. Wipe nose on handkerchief made from tail of dads shirt.
SEAGOON: Tell us little heavily pimpled ranger. Have you seen a naval man pass this way?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yeeeess, Yee-ess. Notice long dramatic pause before giving answer.
SEAGOON: Listen do you know anything about the lost Gold Mine?
BLUEBOTTLE: It's lost. hah ha, hu ha hey. I made a little jokules. he heh he. Pauses for audience applause, not a sausage again. Does I don't care pose.
SEAGOON: Friendly little nut. Could you lead us to the seafaring man?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, but at a price. I want to have portions of the map.
SEAGOON: Very well here's a bit of mine.
MORIARTY: And here is a bit of mine.
BLUEBOTTLE: oh ho hoy oy. I am drunk with the power of the map portions. These will guarantee me untold riches, even wealth. I shall have my own tooth brush, my own tooth. And a ball pointed pen with a real pointed ball. ah hi! Oh, recains decorum. Ok, follow me. Speaks like cowboy but dribbles down shirt. Foward bagins (??) foward.
ORCHESTRA: LIGHT HEARTED, THEN DRAMATIC SOMBRE CHORDS. BONG. BONG BONG.
GRYTPYPE: Listen Eccles.
ECCLES: yup yup yup.
GRYTPYPE: We've been walking for days, how much further is it?
ECCLES: Oh, a mile, two ,three. All depends on the distance you know.
GRYTPYPE: What did you stop for?
ECCLES: Oh, I think I'll have a swim in my old marble swimming pool. Jeeves?
GRYTPYPE: Poor fool, the heats got him.
FX: Door opens.
JEEVES: You called sir?
ECCLES: Yeh, Just hold my clothes.
GRAMS: Large splash.
GRYTPYPE: No, no, no, no, arghhhhh.
FX: Pistol shot.
ECCLES: Ohhh, he shot himself. Hey. Hey, you dead? ... You, you with the big hole in your nut, you dead? Ohh.
BLUEBOTTLE: Hands up Mad Dan Eccles.
BLUEBOTTLE: Hands up.
ECCLES: yep, yep yep yep.
BLUEBOTTLE: We have caught up with you at last, do not move. These guns are real cardboard. Now my capi-tan question him, I will keep you covered. ha hi ha hee. Hides behind dirty big rock just in case of trouble
SEAGOON: Mad Dan, where's the lost gold mine of
ECCLES: Behind that big pile of rocks.
SEAGOON: Good heavens we'll never be able to shift that lot.
BLUEBOTTLE: Do not fear my capi-tan, I have here three sticks of highly explosive dynamite.
SEAGOON: Right, insert them under the rocks.
BLUEBOTTLE: I shall do it, I shall. This is a good game, I like this game.
ECCLES: It is a good game isn't it?
BLUEBOTTLE: Can I play with you tomorrow.
ECCLES: yah, yah.
BLUEBOTTLE: I only live across the street.
ECCLES: Oh, so do I.
BLUEBOTTLE: What school do you go to?
(TALKING OVER EACH OTHER)
ECCLES: Have you got a sister?
BLUEBOTTLE: I've got a pet rabbit in my garden.
ECCLES: Have you? I've got a dog too (??)
SEAGOON: Don't waste time you fools.
BLUEBOTTLE: [Aye capi-tan]/[no can we ...] (??)
SEAGOON: Too work with the dynamite.
GREENSLADE: Listeners may be wondering about what has happened to Count Moriarty. The truth is, he WAS suddenly attacked by a soaking wet elephant.
SEAGOON: Bluebottle, have you got the dynamite in place?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, it is all in place now.
SEAGOON: Right. Eccles, press the plunger.
BLUEBOTTLE: Wait a minute, I've not ...
GRAMS: Large explosion. Debris raining down.
BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten swine you! arrgh arggh ho! You have deaded me, oh you swine, I'm going to tell my dad on you, and my dads a black smith. Ah hi. Exits left, with shattered bonce crave (??) hair and loose feet.
SEAGOON: In a flash I was inside the lost gold mine of
ECCLES: (echoey) ohh, well, well, well, well, well.
SEAGOON: (echoey) Is this really the lost gold mine of
ECCLES: (echoey) Ah ho.
SEAGOON: (echoey) But, but there's no gold.
ECCLES: (echoey) Welllll, that's-yah-lotte! ha ha ha ha.
SEAGOON: Oh no, no, you can't do this to me, no ...
ORCHESTRA: End theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon show, recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, the script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton.