THE MISSING SCROLL
GOON SHOW: TLO 71797
5TH SERIES: No 19
BROADCAST: 1 Feb 1955
Script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC home service.
SEAGOON: Jolly good. Bravo! Here here! Well done!
GREENSLADE: Thank you gentlemen for praising my announcing but I was merely doing my duty in upholding the fine traditions of my alma mater, the home service.
Omnes: (variously) Huzzah! Here, here!
GREENSLADE: Yes indeed. The Home Service provides us with the best programmes.
GREENSLADE: Therefore it is with heavy heart I announce one of the worst.
SEAGOON: Mr Greenslade, stop reading that Radio Times, pull up
your bloomers and tell
GRAMS: Massed cheering.
GREENSLADE: STOP! Thank you Greensladers. Put away those cameras because now the Goons are about to embark on a strange story entuttled…
MILLIGAN: (exotic) ‘The Lost Music of Purdom.’
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic fanfare; segue harp glissando into epic desert intro.
SEAGOON: My name is Seagoon, Neddy Seagoon. You’ve possibly
seen my name in the mirror. It reads ‘Noogaes, Ydden Noogaes.’ In the year
nintoon hundret and skrampson-skreen I was employed at the
FUDKNUCKLE: (Scottish Henry Crun.) Ahhrrr Neddy. That’s all for today. What’s the time?
SEAGOON: (Yawning) Three minutes to midnight.
FUDKNUCKLE: Ooo well. Might as well have an early night, eh Neddy?
SEAGOON: Oh shut-up you mean old bounder. He he he! Deaf as a coot.
FUDKNUCKLE: Goodnight Neddy.
SEAGOON: Goodnight, you bald old bath bung.
FUDKNUCKLE: Goodnight. Oh, Neddie.
FUDKNUCKLE: I just thought to tell ye. One day you're going to be a bald old bath bun too.
SEAGOON: Eh, what what what what what what what?
FUDKNUCKLE: Ye thought I was deaf. (Going off.)
FX: (Phone rings, picked up)
SEAGOON: (answers phone) Hello.
MILLIGAN: (on phone) Hello. Is that the
MILLIGAN: (on phone) I must ask you to speak louder.
MILLIGAN: (on phone) I haven't got a phone.
SEAGOON: Can't you find a phone box?
MILLIGAN: (on phone) I don't think they've got one around here.
SEAGOON: Why? Where are you?
MILLIGAN: (on phone) On top of a bus.
SEAGOON: What are you doing up there?
MILLIGAN: (on phone) I wanted to smoke.
SEAGOON: Well, what do you want?
MILLIGAN: (on phone) A match please.
SEAGOON: Just a moment. Here!
FX: (match strikes)
MILLIGAN: (on phone) (breathes deeply) Aagh. Merchi, mon ami.
I'm speaking on behalf of the famous
SEAGOON: The honourable Hercules Grytpype Thynne? Why, he was
MILLIGAN: (on phone) Shall we say, X pounds.
SEAGOON: I accept. That's more than, I ever got here. Where shall I meet you?
MILLIGAN: (on phone) Wherever you like.
SEAGOON: Right. See you there.
MILLIGAN: (on phone) Good. Now, umm, what time?
SEAGOON: I'll leave that to you.
MILLIGAN: (on phone) Splendid. Don't be late. Goodbye.
SELLERS: (Scottish) Who was that Neddie?
SEAGOON: Curse. I forgot to ask.(into phone) Hello, hello, hello hello?
MILLIGAN: (on phone) Yes. Yes.
SEAGOON: I forgot to ask your name.
MILLIGAN: (on phone) I'm sorry. I can't tell you.
SEAGOON: Why not?
MILLIGAN: (on phone) I've hung up.
MILLIGAN: (on phone) However, while we're about it, what's yours?
MILLIGAN: (on phone) Till we meet then. Au. resevoir.
SEAGOON: Well, Mister Fudgeknuckle. I'm handing in my notice.
SELLERS: (Scottish) Dear laddie. Just because you resign don't
SEAGOON: Very well. (loudly) I resign! (silence) Right. Now. Hands up all those who thought the museum was going to fall down. Eh? Come along. Come along, let's see you. Right. Now, take a thousand lines. 'I must not try and guess the end of Goon Show gags'. Alright. Carry on.
GRAMS: (crash of building collapsing, masonry falling etc.)
SEAGOON: Wrong again. That was the
GREENSLADE: We take up the story where Neddie Seagoon
Kneecaps meets the mysterious phone caller in
SEAGOON: Aaagh. Good evening. I'm sorry I'm late.
MILLIGAN: I accept your applegopalgee. Now then, follow me into this highly mysterious house.
FX: (door opens to sound of long squeaking hinges)
MILLIGAN: Now. Follow me into this highly mysterious room.
GRYTPYPE: Oh. Good evening, gentlemen.
FX: (door closes)
GRYTPYPE: Aah. Mister Seagoon.
SEAGOON: How do you do.
GRYTPYPE: Take Mister Seagoon's hat. And burn it.
THROAT: (deep voice) Right.
SEAGOON: So this was the honourable Grytpype Thynne. He stood warming himself in front of the big open fire with his big open trousers. Around the room were hung mummified trams, ancient scrolls, scripts, parchment overcoats, and a few early stone saxaphones.
GRYTPYPE: Come, Neddie. Warm yourself by the fire. Oh, Moriarty. Break open a bottle of wine.
FX: (bottle smashes)
GRYTPYPE: Thank you. Now, Neddie... what experience have you had in translating ancient scripts?
SEAGOON: Three years with Ray's a Laugh.
GRYTPYPE: A graduate, by jove. Well, this calls for a drink. Moriarty, break open another bottle.
FX: (bottle smashes)
GRYTPYPE: Thank you. So, Neddie ... you've been on the radio, have you?
SEAGOON: Yes. Though I fear it's a dying medium.
GRYTPYPE: I knew a dying medium once. He got better.
SEAGOON: How terribly jolly for the spirit.
GRYTPYPE: Yes, Neddie. (both laugh) Oh dear. The Director of the BBC Home Service is looking for new ideas.
SEAGOON: How about suicide.
GRYTPYPE: Yes. Yes. The point is, you see, when the Goon Show finishes, they want to try to restore the dignity of Tuesday nights.
SEAGOON: How about closing down.
GRYTPYPE: Oh, ye good joke, I say. Moriarty, ...
FX: (bottle smashes)
GRYTPYPE: Thank you. Neddie,
let me tell you a tale. Four thousand years ago a Lebanese slave named Purdom
recorded the only known music of ancient
SEAGOON: What's a sook?
GRYTPYPE: Sook it and see. But, um, ...
FX: (bottle smashes)
GRYTPYPE: Thank you, Moriarty. Let Greenslade explain. What I want ....(fades quickly)
GREENSLADE: May I explain that the BBC Home Service are offering fifty pounds for the recovery of this lost manuscript of Purdom. Fifty pounds, or a life subscription to the Radio Times. While Mister Seagoon is deciding which of these offers to accept, a fine old English gentleman Max Geldray will play a frozen Arab sock from the waist down.
MAX GELDRAY - "I Can't Believe That You're In Love With Me."
GREENSLADE: The highly esteemed Goon Show, part the second. In which, Ned Seagoon travels to foreign climes in search of the lost papyrus.
ORCHESTRA: (Eastern mood music)
WILLIUM: Psst. Ere, are you Neddie Seagoon?
SEAGOON: Only by name.
WILLIUM: Follow me, mate.
GRAMS: (footsteps going faster until running)
SEAGOON: (puffing and out of breath) I followed him for three weeks. Unable to contain my curiosity I asked him ... where are you taking me?
WILLIUM: Nowhere, mate.
SEAGOON: Then why did you ask me to follow you?
WILLIUM: I was lonely, mate.
SEAGOON: What! You've brought me all this way for nothing?
WILLIUM: Well, you can pay me if you want to, but ...
SEAGOON: I've got a good mind to ...
WILLIUM: No. No. No, don't nut me, mate. Don't nut me. I'll tell you the truth, so, cor, love a duck, struth, cor, stone the crows, cor blimey, I will.
SEAGOON: Londoner, aren't you?
SEAGOON: Leave me here to die?
WILLIUM: Well, to die or tomorrow.
SEAGOON: I don't wish to know that.
WILLIUM: Neither do I.
SEAGOON: Who does. Well... Who put you up to this?
WILLIUM: The forces of evil.
SEAGOON: The horses of thevil? Er, who are they? Speak up so that listeners without radio sets might clearly hear the plot.
WILLIUM: The bloke's names was Doctor Eidelbergers and Yakomottoes. They're after the lost music of Purdom.
SEAGOON: They mustn't get it before the Home Service. Now, how do we get out of this terrible desert? But, hist! I hear horses heeves approaching.
GRAMS: (outlandish hissing and puffing engine noises, backfiring, hisses until stops, then 'pop' )
ECCLES: Hello! Are you the one that's lost in the desert?
SEAGOON: Yes, but how did you know?
ECCLES: I've been listening on the radio.
SEAGOON: I eyed the stranger closely. He was living proof that the Piltdown Skull was not a hoax. He was dressed in an egg-stained night-shirt, army surplus boots and a racoon-skinned trilby with the brim pulled well down over the knees.
ECCLES: You can laugh. You can laugh. I'm the famous Eccles.
SEAGOON: Famous for what?
ECCLES: Well ... You've seen the
ECCLES: Well... Let that be a lesson to you. (to audience) These are all on my side.
SEAGOON: Wait a minute. How does the
ECCLES: I fell off it.
SEAGOON: No man has ever fallen off the
ECCLES: You call this living?
SEAGOON: Only during the mating season.
ECCLES: Good luck.
SEAGOON: Where do you live?
ECCLES: Oh, in that home over there.
SEAGOON: That's a pyramid. That's a place where they bury the dead.
ECCLES: Any questions?
SEAGOON: Well, now you've exhausted your store of three letter words perhaps you'd be so kind as to give us a lift to the nearest settlement.
ECCLES: O.K. There ain't no room in my car, but you can run behind.
SEAGOON: Thanks. That'll save walking.
ECCLES: Hold tight.
WILLIUM: Matey. Can I stand on the running board?
ECCLES: Certainly. Now, hold tight now.
GRAMS: (engine noises, hissing, backfires, drives off, honks horn, fades)
WILLIUM: Well, it's no good standing here on this running board. Might as well follow 'em.
SEAGOON: I'll come with you.
ECCLES: Mind if I come too?
SEAGOON: About time you came to. Now, come on. We must get to town before sundown. You take the saxophone. Eccles, you on the piano. Now, let's go.
GRAMS: (dance music accompanied by shuffling footsteps)
GREENSLADE: Meantime, unknown to Seagoon and the
Director of the Home Service, on a bus travelling from.
SELLERS: (slow dumb accent) It's in a cage you say.
SECOMBE: (same slow dumb manner) Aye. It were when I bought it, you know.
SELLERS: Aye. What kind of bird is it?
SECOMBE: Well, I'm not sure really. You see I got it off a sailor, you know.
SELLERS: Oh, aye. I say, what's the colour of it's plumage?
SECOMBE: Oh. You can't see it. It's covered with feathers.
SELLERS: Nature's wonderful, in't it.
SELLERS: I don't know what they'll think of next.
SECOMBE: Sailor gave it 'me, you know.
SELLERS: Oh, aye?
SECOMBE: Aye. A sailor. It's got a red beak at one end and a tail at the other.
SELLERS: And ...?
SECOMBE: And a bird in between.
SELLERS: It's in between then, is it?
SELLERS: Aye. That's a good place for it, you know.
SECOMBE: Well, he seems to be happy there, you know.
SELLERS: Well, then I wouldn't move him.
SECOMBE: I don't think I shall, really.
SELLERS: You know, I had one the same build. Beak one, tail the other, and the bird dead in between, it were.
SECOMBE: They're like that, aren't they. Funny that, aye.
SELLERS: They look lovely too.
SECOMBE: They do look nice. You can't, you can't comment, you must admit.
SELLERS: I say, what's this I've heard about your missus.
SECOMBE: Oh aye. Well, you know. It's very funny this. She had an operation on the kitchen table amongst the cornflakes packets and then, er ....(fades away)
GREENSLADE: Ladies and gentlemen. That conversation has nothing to do with the show. But we thought listeners might like to hear what a couple of real idiots sounded like. And if you would like to hear four real idiots, keep listening
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET - "Mambo Italiano".
GREENSLADE: We return you now to the music of Purdom, part the third.
ORCHESTRA: (sombre Eastern mood music)
GREENSLADE: Lost. Seagoon and company are hopelessly
lost in the desert. And in a blinding sandstorm see a light ahead. It is a
little antique shop on the outskirts of
GRAMS: (sound of windstorm)
BANNISTER:(sings) Yim bom biddle dee. Yim bom biddle doh. Yim bom
FX: (door opens, closes)
CRUN: Min ...
BANNISTER: Yim bom Italiano yum diddle dee... I got ...
CRUN: Minnie. Min. Min. Stop that modern Eastern style rhythm singing. Please remember, we're British.
BANNISTER: Mmm. I've got to keep my voice in practice, Henry. My day is coming, buddy.
CRUN: What? What do you mean?
BANNISTER: Well. Nanveegler can't live forever.
CRUN: What do you mean she can't. She has.
BANNISTER: Yum yum yumbo Italiano. Yim dim biddle doh. Yukabako.
CRUN: Min. Min. Stop it.
BANNISTER: Biddle doh.
CRUN: Naughty Min.
CRUN: Look, Min. I want you to send this to Mister Nay
BANNISTER: What is it?
CRUN: It's a rare Au wine vase. Be careful with it Min. It's worth ...
FX: (vase smashing)
CRUN: ... nothing.
BANNISTER: Yim born biddle ...
FX: (door opens)
ELLINGTON: (big chief voice) Me Ellinga. Me strong. Me beat man with one hand. Me kill. Strong. Me kill 'em.
CRUN: Yes. Yes. Yes. Very good. Ellinga, I want you to take this ..
FX: (knocking at the door)
CRUN: Drat it. Ellinga, answer the ...
ELLINGTON: Me strong. Me kill 'em man with one hand.
FX: (knocking at door continues)
CRUN: Answer the door, Ellinga.
FX: (phone rings)
BANNISTER: The phone's ringing, Henry.
CRUN: I know it's ringing.
BANNISTER: Then why don't you answer it, buddy.
CRUN: I can't, when it's making all that noise.
BANNISTER: Answer that phone.
CRUN: Answer that door.
FX: (knocking at door continues, plus phone continues ringing)
ELLINGTON: Me strong. Me kill 'em man with one hand. Me kill.
SEAGOON: (shouts) Anybody in? Anybody in? Open up this door.
ELLINGTON: Me strong. Me kill 'em.
GRAMS: (over all this noise Big Ben chimes)
CRUN: (yells over all this din) Stop it! Stop. Stop it, you hear me. Aaaahh. Aaah. Ooh.
(short second of silence)
BANNISTER: (sings) Yim born biddle ...
ELLINGTON: Me strong
FX: (door knocking starts up again)
GRAMS: (Big Ben chimes, bagpipes start playing)
SEAGOON: (shouts) Open the door! Open the door.
FX: (door opens)
SEAGOON: Stop!! What the devil's going on in here?
CRUN: Do you come here often?
SEAGOON: Only in the mating season.
CRUN: Steady, Min.
BANNISTER: Yes, buddy.
SEAGOON: I observe that this is an antique shop. Tell me. Have you by any chance come across a manuscript signed Purdom?
CRUN: Yes. I threw it in the dustbin yesterday.
SEAGOON: Has it been emptied?
CRUN: Yes. They empty all Arab dustbins at City Rosaic.
SEAGOON: Come, Eccles. We must hurry.
GRAMS: (Third Man Theme played fast)
GREENSLADE: We move now to City Rosaic. The great Arab dustheap.
OMNES: Pooh! Pooh!
FX: (dustbins clanging, lids off etc.)
ECCLES: Blimey! Pooh!
SEAGOON: Put that down, Eccles.
ECCLES: Oooh. Look at dat. Pooh!
FX: (more dustbins clanging, more Phew! Pooh!)
GREENSLADE: While Mister Seagoon is searching for the lost manuscript, let us go over to Churdstone Prison, where Mondigent Clute is waiting for us.
SELLERS: (interviewer voice) Hello listeners. And I'm speaking from Churdstone Prison, the new social reform prison, and standing next to me is the prison Governor Mister Norris Lurker. Good evening Mister Lurker.
SECOMBE: Good evening.
SELLERS: Grand. Mister Lurker, this is, is it not, a prison without bars.
SECOMBE: Yes. I believe that when a man gives us his word not to escape, that's good enough for us, you know.
SECOMBE: Yes. It's good enough for us. We have no restrictions on the prisoners whatever whatsoever. Anytime they like they can walk out of here. No bars, you know. No bars at all.
SECOMBE: All we have is their word of honour.
SELLERS: Yes. Grand. Grand. Er, could we interview one of these honour prisoners?
SELLERS: Good. Good.
SECOMBE: (shouts) James! (pause) James!! (pause)
GRAMS: (alarm bells ring, followed by dance music over)
MILLIGAN: (sings) I'm only a strolling vagabond so good-a-night
GRAMS: (Fred the oyster sound, fast marching to trumpet band)
MILLIGAN: This isn't good enough, you know.
GREENSLADE: We return now to the great Arab dust heap.
OMNES: Poooh! Phew! Pooh!
FX: (dustbins clanging, lids taken off and on)
ECCLES: Go'blimey. Look at this one.
SEAGOON: Leave it alone, Eccles. Oh, it's no good, it's not here. There's no sign of the lost manuscript. Wait! This dustbin here.
SEAGOON: Eccles. Help me to empty it.
FX: (dustbin upended, sound of cans etc falling out)
BLUEBOTTLE: Aiegghowie! You rotten swines, you. Eeeh! You have nutted me. I was kippin' in the dustbin, and splunge. I was hurled out onto my little nut. Eeeh!
SEAGOON: Little rubbish-covered idiot. Who are you?
BLUEBOTTLE: Who am I? I'm Bluebottle. Yingtong idn-plong ding.
BLUEBOTTLE: If you listen to the radio you'd know that was'n Bluebottle. Dat was what I am. Do you come here often?
SEAGOON: Only during the mating season. Now, have you seen an ancient musical document signed Purdom?
BLUEBOTTLE: No, my capitan. I have not seen an ancient musical document signed Purdom. Thinks! I have not seen an ancient musical document named Purdom. No.
ECCLES: Quick! Quick. Ooh, look, ooh! What's this I found?
SEAGOON: Let's see. This is it! The lost music of Purdom. Eccles, let the world hear it!
ECCLES: Oooh! The lost music of Purdom.(sings) Pur-dum Per-dum Purdum purdum purdum purdum ...
ORCHESTRA: (plays closing theme)
GREENSLADE: (over music) That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA: (Theme to end. Then playout. )