GOON SHOW: TLO
72116
5TH
SERIES: No 18
RECORDED: 25 Jan 1955
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC
Home Service
Peter: Is there no
relief?
GREENSLADE: Listeners, this
is smiling Wallace Greenslade speaking to you. Here's good news: from time to
time in the next half hour I will be appearing -hope you like me, kids! If,
however, you are determined to hear the rest of it, get well soon.
SEAGOON: You over-paid
word strangler, you! Ladies and gentlemen, he was about to apologize for the
highly esteemed, Goon Show!
ORCHESTRA: Elizabethan flute and harp duet
link, calm and flowing
GREENSLADE:
SEAGOON: Yes, I am the
Honourable Neddie Seagoon, eldest son. We had all been to the university. I
took law, while my brothers took medicine
ECCLES: We were ill!
(sings) I'm only a strolling vagabond...
SEAGOON: Shut up Eccles!
ECCLES: Well I wasn't in
it last week!
SEAGOON: (I know you
weren't.) Well, it was the year 1908.
We'd just come from
GRYTPYPE: Ah, nephew
Neddie! Looking forward to the ball tonight?
SEAGOON: Oh yes, sir!
GRYTPYPE: Good!
SEAGOON: My mother will be
wearing the Blue Shower Necklace, worth a King's ransom! Been in the family
three hundred years!
GRYTPYPE: She's kept remarkably
well!
SEAGOON: No, no, no, the
Blue Shower!
GRYTPYPE: ...Yes. Neddie,
I've got a little present for you.
SEAGOON: Oh thank you
uncle, you're always giving me presents! First a christening mug and now this!
GRYTPYPE: It's a book.
SEAGOON: A book? Oh
yes...I've seen one of these before. What's it called? 10/6 net? Yes, yes, I've
read this, I've read the sequel too, 12/6 net.
GRYTPYPE: (aside) I wonder
if it would be wiser to draw pictures for him? (aloud) It's called "Beau
Geste", Neddie
SEAGOON: Lovely. I'll read
it tomorrow.
GRYTPYPE: No, you must read
it all before the ball tonight. Oh, and here's a bookmark.
SEAGOON: I say, that's
rather novel. It's a single ticket to Marseille!
GRYTPYPE: Well done! I say,
you're quite sure your mother is wearing the Blue Shower tonight?
SEAGOON: Of course!
GRYTPYPE: Read!
SEAGOON: Beau Geste, what
a wonderful book. During the next five minutes I read it again and again. On
the last page was a note from uncle. It read, "Pass it on to your
brothers, I've given them both bookmarks". What a kind man uncle was! I
passed it on.
ECCLES: Ooh, look! Look
what Neddie's given us!
BLUEBOTTLE: Eee-hee! Let's
put some wheels on it, then we can pull it round. So enters Honourable
Bluebottle, the third son. I like this rich game! Thinks: I'm a
happy-go-lucky-lad! Signals butler to wipe my nose.
SEAGOON: Dear brothers,
that thing there is a book!
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, go on, read
it to little Bluebottle, Eccles. I like it when you read to me, you know that?
Sits in listening pose so as not to miss dinner gong.
ECCLES: Right! It's, um,
let me see, it's called um...Booo...Gost...unm,... booo...
BLUEBOTTLE: What?
ECCLES:
...boooo...gest-e.... Shall I draw a pussycat?
BLUEBOTTLE: No, go on, read
it Eccles, it was just getting interesting!
ECCLES: Yeah, well, um,
it starts off...
BLUEBOTTLE: What does it say?
ECCLES: (struggling over
each syllable) Once...yau...yaupon...a-ee...ta...oiii...
BLUEBOTTLE: Time!
ECCLES: Time! That's it!
I knew it was a 'W'.
SEAGOON: Enjoying it?
ECCLES: Yeah, it's a
funny book, ha ha!
BLUEBOTTLE: Yeah, it's a
funny book, hee-hee!
ECCLES: It's a really
funny book, ha-ha-ha!
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes!
SEAGOON: Perhaps I read it
wrongly! After all, both my brothers held university degrees! (Ahem) Do you
mind if I listen while you read?
ECCLES: Well, um, OK,
yeah. Let's see now. "Then the big giant walked over the hill with a big
club in each hand!"
SEAGOON: Where's that?
ECCLES: Dere!
SEAGOON: There? It says,
"The garden was bathed in the cold light of an august moon."
ECCLES: Shall I draw a
pussycat?
BLUEBOTTLE: Tee-hee-hee!
SEAGOON: Look, I'll read
it for you. (fast) "Once upon a time there were three brothers..."
(speeds up to gibberish and fades out)
ORCHESTRA: Mystic harp chords link
GRAMS: Stately background music, small crowd
GRYTPYPE: Ah, nephew
Neddie. Enjoying the ball?
SEAGOON: Immensely, I've
danced every dance!
GRYTPYPE: Oh, who's the
lucky girl?
SEAGOON: I don't bother
with them, I'm much better on my own!
GRYTPYPE: Charming. By the
way, did you read Beau Geste?
SEAGOON: Oh yes, about the
three brothers who, having come down from
GRYTPYPE: Right lot of
charlies weren't they...er...I mean noble lads.
SEAGOON: (noble) You know,
uncle, that's the sort of thing I'd do. Honouri Tempus and Gratis; up the
school; last man in and ten runs to get.
(sings) Boots,
boots, boots, boots, tramping over
There's
no discharge in the Waaaaarr!!
GRYTPYPE: You silly twisted
boy, you! By the way have you got the ticket to Marseille...I mean the
bookmark?
SEAGOON: Yes.
ELLINGTON: (shouting)
Neddie!!!
SEAGOON: Yes, mother?
ELLINGTON: Come into my
room!
FX: Door handle turned, door opened
and slammed
ELLINGTON: OK, now which one
of you three layabouts has it?
MILLIGAN: (apologetically)
He was alright at the audition!
ELLINGTON: The Blue Shower
Necklace has been pinched!
SEAGOON: Just like the
book!
ECCLES: Ooh, has that
been pinched too?
ELLINGTON: If that necklace
isn't back by tomorrow, I'll send for the po-lice!
SEAGOON: At the mention of
the police we all went white!
ELLINGTON: Get me a mirror.
SEAGOON: Listen, mother...
ELLINGTON: I don't want to
know. Come on, off you go to your rooms, you've got until tomorrow!
GRAMS: Three whooshes in quick succession,
followed by three doors slammed in quick succession
GRYTPYPE: To think that the
Blue Shower'd cost me only 10/6 net...oh yes and 3 novel bookmarks! So far so
good! (singing) I'm only a strolling vagabond... (talking) So good. Ah, here we
are, little Neddie's room!
FX: Three knocks on the door
GRYTPYPE: Neddie? Oh
Neddie, it's your rich uncle
FX: Door handle turned and opens door
GRYTPYPE: Ned...Oh
splendid, lad, he's gone. And a farewell note to his mother, how charming!
Milligan: The devilish
cunning of it all!
GRYTPYPE: And that isn't
all! Geldray? Play Neddie's journey to Marseille.
MAX GELDRAY -
'Happy Days and Lonely Nights'
GRAMS: Triple speed 'Black Bear' march
music and army marching. mix in battle with military bugle calls sped up
(ADVANCE AND RETREAT) OVER SCREAMS.
SEAGOON: Stoooooooppppp!!
(GRAMS OUT) I haven't joined yet! It had been a pleasant journey in a
first-class railway coach marked, "H-Verks(???), 40 dion and An
Charlie". And now here I was in the Legion Recruiting Centre at Marseille.
I was just reading the second wall, when the door opened.
FX: door handle turned and door opens
BLOODNOK: Ooohhhh! Moulin
Rouge, Folies Bergère, and other naughty French words. So you want to join the
Legion, eh?
SEAGOON: I gazed at the
Legion Officer, his skin was burned fiery red by the hot Algerian brandy. On
his breast was a coloured ribbon from which dangled...a penny!
BLOODNOK: We can't all have
medals, you know! Now lad, a few questions. Name?
SEAGOON: Ned Seagoon!
BLOODNOK: (writing) N...ed
S,E,A,G,O,O,O,double-O,N.
SEAGOON: Oui, mon
Capitaine!
BLOODNOK: Oh, you're
German!
SEAGOON: No, no, no. I'm a
true Britisher!
BLOODNOK: Well that's a
novelty! Do you, ah...speak French?
SEAGOON: (fast) Oui, mon
Capitaine. Je parle français comme un indigène! [trans. Yes, my
Captain. I speak French like a native!]
BLOODNOK: Well you'll just
have to learn it the same as I did. Now for the jackpot question. Have you any
money or valuables on you?
SEAGOON: About £5.
BLOODNOK: Oooh, there'll be
joybells in the NAAFI tonight! Hand it over!
SEAGOON: Well, I mean,
look...er...
BLOODNOK: It'll be returned
to you on your demob! Off you go, first door on your left.
SEAGOON: This door?
BLOODNOK: That's the one!
SEAGOON: Thank you!
FX: Door handle turned and door opens
GRAMS: Sudden huge battle, shouts, yells,
muskets, cannon, thunder of cavalry hooves, etc. military bugle calls sped up.
down under:
GREENSLADE: Listeners may
well like to know, how one can walk through a door in Marseille, and appear in
the thick of a battle in
GRAMS:
MORIARTY: Silence! (pron.
"see-lence" ) (GRAMS STOP) Legion will fall in!
GRAMS: Army falls in, disgruntled voices.
MORIARTY: Silence!
Sacré-Bleu, Sapristi-Nyuckos! You there! You with the size 53 nut. Via nisi!
Fier onf! Unf leuf unf leuf...
FX: One man marching and shouting time
as he goes
MORIARTY:
Slooope...Umbrellas!
FX: Sound of umbrella being sloped onto
shoulder.
SEAGOON: So this was the
famous Legion. I drew myself to my full height and stared dead-ahead at his
belt!
MORIARTY: Tell mon petite
brave, can you march?
SEAGOON: Only with my
feet!
MORIARTY: Good! It's only
twenty miles back to the fort! I hope, for your sake, you will be able to keep
up with us!
SEAGOON: Oui, mon
Capitaine! (aside) Keep up with them, indeed! Ha-ha! Did he not know that I was
a Britisher?
MORIARTY: (in distance)
Legion! By the left! Bon
GRAMS: Triple speed 'Black Bear' march and
fast marching as before. fades.
ORCHESTRA: 'Englishman lost in desert theme'
(as in "Lawrence of Arabia", one man ploughing through the sands of
the desert alone and lost).
SEAGOON: Alone in the
African desert, without a compass or a guide! (out-of-breath) However, by
carefully noting the position of the sun, I could tell it was still daytime!
But this, this heat was hot! (series of out-of-breath gasps) I unbuttoned my
overcoat! (gasp) Then, just as I was about to cry "waaaater!" I saw
two people approaching...
GRYTPYPE: ...ahh, yes, yes,
yes,...
BANNISTER: ...ohh, dear,
dear...
GRYTPYPE: ...yes, yes,
yes,...
BANNISTER: ...I told you
Henry,...ah, nyucka-in,...I told you the tide was out, Henry...
GRYTPYPE: ...not going back
home without having a paddle!...Minnie.
BANNISTER: Listen, Henry,
the man will want another threepence for this deckchair, buddy!
SEAGOON: Excuse me.
BANNISTER: I don't want a
donkey ride!
SEAGOON: I don't intend to
give you one!
GRYTPYPE: Young man, can
you tell us where the sea is?
SEAGOON: I'm afraid not.
GRYTPYPE: And you call
yourself a lifeguard?
SEAGOON: I'm not a
lifeguard, I'm a Legionnaire, and I've,...I've lost the fort.
GRYTPYPE: When did you have
it last?
BANNISTER: Mnn?
GRYTPYPE: I asked him when
he had it last, Minnie.
BANNISTER: I,...I thought he
was a donkey man.
GRYTPYPE: No, no, no,
Minnie,...(???), no.
BANNISTER: What?
GRYTPYPE: No, no.
BANNISTER: You can't get the
donkeys...
GRYTPYPE: You can't get the
donking...
BANNISTER: No. You can't get...
Minnie: and Crun: (Minnie and Henry take turns at
saying "No you can't get the..." for quite some time)
SEAGOON: I'm sorry to butt
in, but I have to find the fort. I'm a Legionnaire, you know. The crack
fighting force, let them all come. Ils ne passeront pas. [tr. They will not
pass.] Ha-ha! (???) (sings La Marseillaise-the French national anthem-as he
goes into the distance) Allons enfants de la Patrie. Le jour de gloire est
arrivé...
BANNISTER: I wonder if
that...that young man could help us.
GRYTPYPE: How, Min?
BANNISTER: To find Ned
Seagoon!
GRYTPYPE: We don't have to
ask anybody, Min. We've got his description, it's only a matter of keeping our
eyes open.
BANNISTER: Yes, we've only
got to find a soldier wearing the Blue Shower necklace!
GRYTPYPE: Oh, I never
thought of that!
BANNISTER: And you call
your...self a...a...de...det...detective?!
GRYTPYPE: Minnie, keep
quiet, dear, or you'll break out in another rash!
Minnie: and Crun: (Minnie and Henry fade out, still
talking)
ORCHESTRA: same 'Lost In Desert' theme again
GREENSLADE: Ten days later,
the weary figure of Ned Seagoon approached the fort.
SEAGOON: (out of breath)
It wasn't ten days, it was three and a half weeks!
GREENSLADE: At the risk of
being volatile, I would like to inform the listeners that according to the
Radio Times it was ten days! However, after Ned Seagoon's ordeal in the desert
we can forgive his inaccuracy.
SEAGOON: I should know,
shouldn't I? I was here, wasn't I? It was three and a half weeks!
MORIARTY: Ahhhh! A new
recruit! Where have you been for the last ten days?
GREENSLADE: ...and the Radio
Times only costs threepence!
MORIARTY: Thankyou! Tell me
now, Legionnaire, look at the state you're in! Covered in sand! Wherrrrrre have
you been?
SEAGOON: Iiiiiiin the
desert!
MORIARTY: Aaaaa likely
story!
GRAMS: lone bugle sounds the 'alert'
MORIARTY: Sacré Fred!!
We're being attacked! Up on the wall, men! If you want me, I'll be under the
bed!
SEAGOON: Stop!! Sir,
there's only one of them!
MORIARTY: (off) Is he
unarmed?
SEAGOON: Yes!
MORIARTY: (on) Right men,
fire!
FX: many guns being fired of varied
types (machine guns, pistols, rifles, etc.). lasts three seconds, ends
suddenly.
Thick voice: Missed!
MORIARTY: I say, keep still
out there! These bullets cost money!
SEAGOON: Perhaps he has a
message for us. (calls) Avez vous un meshoise for us?
ECCLES: Oui! (sings) I'm
only a strolling vagabond...
SEAGOON: Sir, sir, this
idiot is my brother! Eccles! What are you doing dressed like an Arab?
ECCLES: It's my Foreign
Legion uniform!
SEAGOON: It's not; it's
the uniform of the Arabs!
ECCLES: Ohh! When I
joined the Foreign Legion, they gave me this, closed the gates, and said, 'Good
luck!'
SEAGOON: I ran to let my
brother in. It was good to see him again! Eccles, you've got tall!
ECCLES: Oooh, this isn't
all me!
SEAGOON: Isn't it?
ECCLES: Nope, I'm sitting
on mudder's shoulders!
SEAGOON: Mother's
shoulders?
ECCLES: I couldn't get a
camel!
ELLINGTON: Neddie! My eldest
boy!
SEAGOON: Mother! Mother,
what are you doing here? This is a white-man's grave!
ELLINGTON: What's the matter
with you, colour-blind?
MORIARTY: Mother, may I
'ave ze honour of 'earing you play ze music?
ELLINGTON: But, with
pleasure!
RAY ELLINGTON - "The
Naughty Lady Of Shady Lane"
GRAMS: Triple-speed black bear march as
before. down under:
SEAGOON: In the next few
weeks we must have marched hundreds of miles a day. During these marches not a
word of complaint passed my lips as I sat huddled in Eccles' pack!
ECCLES: Oooh, you bin
ridin' round in my pack?
SEAGOON: You don't mind,
do you?
ECCLES: You'd better not
let mudder know!
SEAGOON: Why?
ECCLES: I bin ridin'
round in hers! (laughs)
SEAGOON: Good old mater!
ECCLES: Yeah. Ooh, by the
way Neddie, I saw the Captain last week, and he told me to tell you that he
wants to see you in his office right away!
SEAGOON: What? Why didn't
you tell me last week?
ECCLES: Well, if I told
you last week you'd have forgotten by now!
SEAGOON: Yes. Thankyou
Eccles! I'm only a week late! A week!
GRAMS: Whoosh!
FX: Three swift knocks on the door
MORIARTY: Come in!
SEAGOON: I'm terribly
sorry, sir, really I am, but I know I'm late but it's my own fault. My brother
told me last week and I forgot. I,...I am completely to blame. I should have
reported to you last week when my brother informed me, but it slipped my
memory, and the blame is entirely mine.
MORIARTY: Come in!
FX: Door handle turned and door opens
SEAGOON: It's all Eccles's
fault, sir!
MORIARTY: Never mind that
now. I have a visitor to see you.
SEAGOON: Visitor?
MORIARTY: First of all, how
much is the Blue Shower necklace worth?
SEAGOON: About er...a
King's ransom! All depends on who the King is! (wild laugh)...ahem.
MORIARTY: So, you are
Neddie Seagoon, I have a visitor for you. Entrez! (pronounces the 'z')
FX: Door handle turned and door opens
GRYTPYPE: Ahh, nephew
Neddie!
SEAGOON: Uncle Grytpype!
MORIARTY: Sacre Nom du
See(???), Sapristi Yakabakakas! Then it is true, you are this charlie's uncle!
GRYTPYPE: I'm afraid so.
Now, Neddie, the necklace!
SEAGOON: I haven't got it,
uncle!
GRYTPYPE: Search his neck!
FX: Neddie's neck being searched,various
grunts, groans, Neddie gurgling, etc.
MORIARTY: Curse! Nothing
except this string of glass beads and a full-length portrait of his mother!
GRYTPYPE: Listen, Neddie, I
took the Blue Shower necklace. At the ball I hung up my jacket to do the Mambo
and when I returned, the pocket containing the necklace was gone!
SEAGOON: What a dastardly
trick! Who would want to rob you? Sir, I didn't take it, honestly I didn't!
GRAMS: Lone
bugle call signals attack
MORIARTY: Sapristi-Nyuckos!
Man the walls! The Arabs are attacking!
GRAMS: Full
battle noise with trumpets blaring at different speeds. Down under:
SEAGOON: It was a terrible
battle! The enemy hurled themselves upon us with swords, rifles, machine-guns,
and worst of all, seven hundred rock-cakes!
GRAMS:
SEAGOON: Then it came! The
order to retreat! We didn't know it at the time, but this was one of the
greatest retreats in the history of war! Back we went, as far as
GRAMS: Battle
up, then down...
SEAGOON: To the African
coast still fighting! The
GRAMS: Battle
up.
FX: Referee's whistle.
GRAMS:
CUSTOMS OFFICER: (bored and
slightly camp) Next please. Anything to declare? Watches, clocks, finery?
SEAGOON: Nothing.
ELLINGTON: Nothing.
ECCLES: Er...
CUSTOMS OFFICER: Well, anything to
declare?
ECCLES: Um...oh...it's
good to be alive!
CUSTOMS OFFICER: Yes. Pass along
please. Next?
ARAB 1: (furious Arabic)
Customs Official: Thankyou! Next?
ARAB 2: (furious Arabic)
CUSTOMS OFFICER: Cor, there's
thousands of them! Alright, go straight through...
FX: Whistle blown.
GRAMS: Battle up again.
SEAGOON: And still the
battle raged! Down the
ORCHESTRA: Harp plays mystic chords link
GREENSLADE: Meantime, in the
ancestral home of Lady Seagoon, a lone figure lay in bed idly dangling the Blue
Shower necklace.
BLUEBOTTLE: Eee-hee! I'm a
happy-go-lucky rich boy! Thinks: Now that everybody is in the Foreign Legion
I'm next in line for the title. Eee-hee-he! Stares at pimply reflection in the
Blue Shower,...and at the same time, also thinks: Here in the countryside I'm
safe. It's the others who will get the dreaded deading!
GRAMS: Battle drawing nearer.
BLUEBOTTLE: What is that
noise that tickles little Bluebottle's ear-holes?
FX: Door handle turned, door opens,
grams get louder
SEAGOON: (entering) Hello,
Bluebottle, I'm glad to see...wait...you've got the Blue Shower. Stooooooop!!!
(GRAMS stop immediately) Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but you'll have to cease the
battle now!
CAST: Disappointed
crowd moaning
SEAGOON: I know you're
upset, I'm...I'm...I'm sorry, but this is our home, you know! (laughs
seriously) And what's more, we've found the necklace!!!
CAST: Cheers!
BLUEBOTTLE: But the necklace
is mine! Nay-nay, nay-nay, nay...
ECCLES: Hey, here you
are, Bluebottle, in return here's a rock-cake!
BLUEBOTTLE: Oooh thankyou,
Eccles! I like rock-cakes I do, I like them. Yes! Thinks: I've never seen a
rock-cake with a pin in it before! Ah well, I've had a good long run this week.
Stands to one side and pulls pin out.
GRAMS: Explosion. the sound of bits of
metal and glass hitting the ground continues for twelve seconds.
ORCHESTRA: Same pretty little Elizbethan flute
and harp duet link.
GREENSLADE:
GRAMS: Descending whining sound as in bomb
falling from a plane, under:
GREENSLADE: One butler, two
cooks, four maids, eight-hundred-and-forty-two Arab gardeners, six horses
and...
FX: Grams stop, heavy object falls on
top of Wallace (thump noise)
GREENSLADE: Ooooh!
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh I'm sorry, did
I fall on you?
GREENSLADE: Yes, you small
knobbly ham!
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, you're
smiling Wallace Greenslade ain't you?
GREENSLADE: That's right!
BLUEBOTTLE: Well, could I have
a signed phottygraph of you? 'Cause I like you on the wireless!
GREENSLADE: So do I! Have a
toffee!
BLUEBOTTLE: Thank you! 'Cor,
fancy you! You're bigger than I thought you was! ...'Cause I like you on the
wireless!
ORCHESTRA: Theme up, then down under...
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon
Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike
Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was
conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer
Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton.