GOON SHOW TLO 70610
5TH SERIES: NO 18
1st BROADCAST: 18 Jan 1955
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC
Home Service, and jolly good programmes they put on, too
FLOWERDEW: Oh isn't he a
lovely talker?
SEAGOON: [strained] Thank
you, could you say some more, mister, please?
GREENSLADE: Why certainly,
this is Wallace Greenslade saying "Winds light to variable"
SELLERS: [very theatrical]
Oh Greenslade, how can they afford you?
SECOMBE: [himself] Because
12 shillings a week is nothing to the highly esteemed Goon Show!
ORCHESTRA: Ethnic Percussion And Vocals, Primitive Culture Style
SEAGOON: Thank you
listeners, next dance please. Mr. Greenslade loosen that plastic sporran and
make the announcement
GREENSLADE: Listeners and
losteners, we present an ancient Chinese play translated from an old Greek soup
recipe found engraved on the seat of a dustman's trousers in
SELLERS: [very theatrical]
Wireless! Curse! This means the end of the horned phonograph and the little
doggie that looks in to it. Exits left
FX: Gong Strikes
MILLIGAN: Hello, you there.
Oh boy, get this, we give you [and how] one hot story of old home town. Okay
Wally, take it away. Overture and beginners for China Story, oh boy!
SEAGOON: Strange people
the Chinese. There are over 500 million of them.
FLOWERDEW: Well, they've
only got themselves to blame!
SEAGOON: Thank you registrar of births. My name is Neddy Seagoon
and my charlady calls me "Ducks" - due to a certain disease I have!
I'm well known in
GRAMS: Harry Secombe Whining In High Pitch Voice, Followed By A Splash
SEAGOON: It was Christmas
night on the waterfront of the
GRYTPYPE: Yikes, Tally-Ho
nutty! Have a noodle
SEAGOON: The words came
from a two-legged, grey-headed man going bald at the knees. He was bent
backwards eating a bowl of unchopped-suey from a leopard skin bladder. With a
wave of his foot he beckoned me over
GRYTPYPE: He ignored my
invitation, but then I said something that had him at my side - money!
GRAMS: Whoosh!
SEAGOON: My name is Ned
Seagoon
GRYTPYPE: Have a noodle
FX: Clunk
SEAGOON: Thank you. You
called me over
GRYTPYPE: Yes
SEAGOON: What do you want?
GRYTPYPE: Well you have a
kind face
SEAGOON: You can't have
it, it's a fixture
GRYTPYPE: A fixture, ey? My,
you are lumbered
SEAGOON: Have a care, sir.
I'm not a man to be laughed at
GRYTPYPE: I know, I've seen
your act, the singing shaver isn't it?
SEAGOON: I have my dark
secrets
ELLINGTON: Man, so do I!
SEAGOON: Silence, Ellington,
or I'll have the white-wash brushes at you
GRYTPYPE: Well said, Neddy.
Oh, Neddy, this gentleman here is Count Moriarty, French overland saxophone
champion
SEAGOON: [speaking French
fluently]
MORIARTY: So, the pen of
your aunt is in the garden, ey? You're a stranger in town, are you, lad?
SEAGOON: Stranger? I came
here as a boy
GRYTPYPE: I didn't think
you came here as a girl. Oh, I don't know, though. You Chinese are damn clever
people
SEAGOON: I'll have you
know I'm English!
MORIARTY: English? But that
ragged kilt and your toes sticking out at the end of your feet
SEAGOON: In my position
that's no shame
MORIARTY: You're not...?
SEAGOON: Yes! The British
ambassador
GRYTPYPE: Poor fellow, you
must be starving, have a noodle
FX: Clunk
SEAGOON: Thank you
GRYTPYPE: Waiter, two
ice-rickshaws and a firkin of rice. So, you're the British ambassador
SEAGOON: Yes [sings]
There'll always be an
GRYTPYPE: You silly twisted
boy, you!
MORIARTY: We wish to know
that. now do we take it, Mr. Seagoon, that you are pressed for money?
SEAGOON: Yes
MORIARTY: Hmm, interesting,
ey, Colonel Grytpype?
GRYTPYPE: Yes. Come Neddy,
have another noodle
FX: Clunk
SEAGOON: Thank you
GRYTPYPE: Neddy, how would
you like 50 million yen?
SEAGOON: In cash
MORIARTY: Crazy boy,
Seagoon, you've heard of the fiendish Chinese Nationalist
leader?
SEAGOON: Not General
Cash-My-Cheque?
MORIARTY: Yes. Listen lad
he's willing to pay that sum to anybody who can smuggle him a certain English
Rosewood upright piano with brass candle-holders
SEAGOON: Tell me more
gentlemen
GRYTPYPE: Well, Neddy, this
is the plan
SPRIGGS: Pardon me kind
sir. Would you gentlemen be sitting here for the next few minutes
GRYTPYPE: Yes
SPRIGGS: [sings]I'm only a
strolling vagabond...
GRYTPYPE: Yes. Now Seagoon
this is the idea we had.
SPRIGGS: Gentlemon, you,
you heard my melody...
FX: Money box shaking
SPRIGGS: ...and I think
that this little wooden box with the slit in the top, speaks the words to you.
GRYTPYPE: Neddy, the first
thing you have to do...
SPRIGGS: [clears throat]
Gentlemen. I understand. You want an encore? Ohhhh Joyyyy [sings] A gypsy am I,
go wandering by...
FX: Gunshot
SPRIGGS: urgghh!
GRYTPYPE: Well done
Moriarty. Just check the little wooden box would you? Now Seajoon. Think our
offer over, and er, I'll get in touch with you on the phone to you tomorrow
SEAGOON: 'Til tomorrow
then...
FX: Gong Strikes
OMNES: Chinese crowd
gibberish
SEAGOON: Back at the
embassy I pondered over Grytpype Thynne's offer. Why on earth did General
Cash-My-Cheque want a certain English upward Rosewood piano with brass
candle-holders? Cunning people, the fiendish Chinese, you never know which whey
they're going to go! I was just about to retire for the night when there was a
tap at the window
FX: Tapping at the window
SEAGOON: Hello? Hello?
Anybody out there in the dark?
FX: A little wooden box with a slit in the top rattles!
SPRIGGS: [sings] I'm only
a poor little vagabond, so...
FX: Gunshot
SEAGOON: Got 'im!
FX: Phone Rings, Picked Up
SEAGOON: Hello?
Operator: Call for you,
you're through.
SEAGOON: Hello?
SPRIGGS: [singing down
phone] ...goodnight pretty maiden...
SEAGOON: Blast that man.
FX: Rattling door handle, door opens
Delivery man: Sir. This record
has just arrived, marked urgent.
SEAGOON: Quick put it on.
FX: Scratchy gramophone starts playing
SPRIGGS: [singing from
gramophone] ...oh goodnight pretty maiden...
FX: Record breaking/snapping
SEAGOON: A pox on the man.
FX: Phone Rings, Picked Up
SEAGOON: Yes?
GRYTPYPE: [other end of the
phone] Neddy, Grytpype Thynne here. Have you made a decision about the certain
English upright?
SEAGOON: Yes, I need the
money, I'll do the job. But where do I get that certain English upright
Rosewood piano with brass candle-holders?
GRYTPYPE: Go to the
tea-house of the August Goon
SEAGOON: Just a minute,
I'll take that down. "Go to the tea-house of the August Goon", right
GRYTPYPE: Got that down?
SEAGOON: Yes
GRYTPYPE: Burn it at once
SEAGOON: Right
GRYTPYPE: Now set fire to
the ashes
SEAGOON: Yes, I've done
that
GRYTPYPE: Good, now
memorise the remains
SEAGOON: Right
GRYTPYPE: Splendid. Now say
after me, "I am an idiot"
SEAGOON: I am an idiot.
GRYTPYPE: Right. Now, when
you arrive there knock 6,000 times and ask for Ah-Pong.
SEAGOON: But how do I get
there?
GRYTPYPE: How do you get
there? Where are you now?
SEAGOON: I'm standing by
the phone
GRYTPYPE: Good, start
asking your way from there.
SEAGOON: Thank you
FX: Phone Put Back On Hook
SEAGOON: I should be there
in 3 minutes. Just in time for fiendish gentleman Mlax Gledlay to have a
blowout.
MAX GELDRAY -
FX: Gong Strikes
OMNES: gibberish Chinese
crowd noises
SEAGOON: On arrival at the
tea house, as instructed, I knocked 6,000 times
GRAMS: Steady Knocking Gradually Speeding Up Until Sounds Like A Machine Gun
Firing
FX: Door Opens
THROAT: Yes?
SEAGOON: Tea house of the
August Gloon?
THROAT: No
FX: Door Slams
SEAGOON: Curse, it's next
door! It's always next door in
GRAMS: Steady Knocking Gradually Speeding Up Until Sounds Like A Machine Gun
Firing
FX: Door Opens
AH-PONG: [Chinese]
Somebody knock?
SEAGOON: Yes, tea-house of
August Goon?
AH-PONG: Yes sir
SEAGOON: You are Ah-Pong?
AH-PONG: Yes, we are up
until 11 o'clock
SEAGOON: I've come about a
certain English rosewood upright.
AH-PONG: Ah, you are
Neleddy Sleegoon, yeah?
SEAGOON: Yes, Blitish
Ambassador
AH-PONG: Ah glood, glood,
glood! Follow me please
SEAGOON: I was lead
through a bead curtain and across a floor so cunningly laid that no matter
where you stood it was always under your feet. In the far corner of the
tea-room, I could see the sinister oriental saxophonist
Fred Fu-Manchu playing strict tempo Chinesh
ballroom music.
FX: Strict tempo Chinesh ballroom music plays...
SEAGOON: Finally I was
lead to a military man reclining on a coolie.
BLOODNOK: Aaaah! So you're
the man who's going to do the job
SEAGOON: Yes
BLOODNOK: So, about the
certain English upright rosewood piano
SEAGOON: Yes, where is it?
BLOODNOK: Up river at the
Kowgoon Missionary
SEAGOON: Kowgoon? That's
600 miles away!
BLOODNOK: Is it?
GRAMS: Footsteps Running Away Into The Distance, Silence, Footsteps Running
Back Towards Microphone
SEAGOON: Yes, it's exactly
600 miles
BLOODNOK: That's too far to
travel, therefore we shall take the fiendish Chinese river-steamer tonight
FX: Gong Strikes
SEAGOON: In the darkness
we sat huddled on the fiendish Chinese river-steamer, the silence broken only
by the sound of the silence being broken
BLOODNOK: Ah, Seagoon! I've
just been speaking to the fiendish Chinese Captain, he says we'll be in Kowgoon
at 2300 hours
SEAGOON: What time is
that?
BLOODNOK: I don't know, my
watch only goes up to 12
SEAGOON: Curse this
fiendish Chinese triple-summertime.
GRAMS: Body into water.
CHINESE SAILOR: Ahhhhh, Man
overbloard
SEAGOON: I see him, quick
Bloodnok, hold my coat
BLOODNOK: Brave man
Seagoon, brave man, brave brave man. Now let me see. (sings to himself) la dee, la dah, dah dee... Blast! Not a penny in
any of his pockets
SEAGOON: I've got him.
Haul me aboard
FX: Struggling sounds, chinese mutterings in gibberish
SEAGOON: Lay him down
gently
BLOODNOK: Poor fellow, he's
soaking wet.
SEAGOON: Strange, it hadn't
been raining
SPRIGGS: unnnhhhh
BLOODNOK: He's coming
one...
SPRIGGS: unnnhhhh
BLOODNOK: He's coming
two...
SEAGOON: Who are you poor
wayfarer?
SPRIGGS: [clears throat]
I'm only a poor little vagabond... Wohhuuup!
FX: Kersplash
BLOODNOK: Well hurled. Full
spleed ahlead
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic nautical link
FX: Gong Strikes
SEAGOON: By mid-day the
following month we arrived at the fiendish Chinese river
BLOODNOK: But to our
bearded horror we discovered that missionary Crun had put the certain English
upright rosewood piano up for auction.
SEAGOON: We had no option
but to bid against 300 fiendish oriental John Chinamen.
OMNES: gibberish Chinese
crowd atmosphere
FX: Gavel Hit 3 Times
CRUN: Attention,
fiendish Chinese bidders, the auction commences. First object to come under the
hammer is this glass jar
FX: Glass Jar Smashed By Hammer
CRUN: The next object
is this certain English rosewood upright. Now then, let us start the bidding at
1 pound
SEAGOON: [Chinese] £1.10
MILLIGAN: [Chinese] £2
ELLINGTON: [Chinese] £3
SEAGOON: £3.10
SELLERS: [Chinese] £3.15
SEAGOON: Thlee pounds flifteen
and slixpence
ELLINGTON: £4.10
SELLERS: £4.10 and
10-pence
SEAGOON: £5
SELLERS: Flive pounds
MILLIGAN: Flive pounds and
flive
CRUN: Any advance on
flive pounds flive?
GREENSLADE: [Chinese] Flive
pounds four and 4-pence
MILLIGAN: Flip-flong
SELLERS: Flip-flong ten
SEAGOON: £10
ELLINGTON:
Blasee-a-blas-bing
MILLIGAN: Bloo-bla-bing
SEAGOON: Bing-bang-bloom
SELLERS: Bing-bang-blom
BANNISTER: Ying-Tong
SEAGOON: Ying-Tong-Iddle
BANNISTER: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I
SEAGOON:
Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po
OMNES: Wahh!
CRUN: Any advance on
Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po?
GREENSLADE: [himself] Ladies
and gentlemen, the BBC have asked me to tell you the sentence
Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po has no meaning at all and is not a form of currency.
Therefore in bidding Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po for the piano it has proved that the
bidders are fiendish Chinese. We return you now to the fiendish auction
OMNES: gibberish Chinese
crowd atmosphere
CRUN: Any advance on
fiendish Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po?
SEAGOON: £10
CRUN: Mnnk! Sold for
£10!
FX: Gavel Struck Once
MORIARTY: Well done, Neddy
boy, well done!
SEAGOON: Moriarty!
MORIARTY: Yes
SEAGOON: Grytpype Thynne!
What are you doing here?
MORIARTY: This is the
reason: Before that piano can be dispatched to the secret Chinese NAAFI of
Cash-My-Cheque, the keyboard must be reversed
SEAGOON: Why?
GRYTPYPE: Well you see,
Neddy, fiendish Chinese pianists always play from right to left
SEAGOON: What fiendish
Chinese cunning!
GRYTPYPE: Yes. Now, out you
go and get me a packet of Coolies
SEAGOON: Cork-tipped, of
course
GRYTPYPE: Of course
SEAGOON: Right!
GRYTPYPE: I say, Moriarty
MORIARTY: Yes?
GRYTPYPE: Do you think he
suspects?
MORIARTY: About the
time-bomb in the piano to kill General Cash-My-Cheque? No
GRYTPYPE: No. Have you
wired it up to explode?
MORIARTY: Yes it detonates
when a certain note is played, listen
ORCHESTRA: Piano Plays A Tune [Chopsticks] Minus Last Note Of Refrain
MORIARTY: This is the note
ORCHESTRA: Final Note Of Refrain Played
GRYTPYPE: You have a copy
of that music?
MORIARTY: Of course
GRYTPYPE: In Chinese?
MORIARTY: Yes, scored from
right to left and upwards
GRYTPYPE: Brilliant,
brilliant! Then tomorrow we send Seagoon and the piano to the fiendish Chinese
NAAFI and that will be the last of our dreaded rival General Cash-My-Cheque.
Meantime, what am I bid for this record of fiendish Gladys Ellington.
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET
ORCHESTRA: A link of Epic proportions
SEAGOON: August the third,
moving inland through the bandit
BLOODNOK: Seagoon, stop the
caravan, there is someone behind those fiendish Chinese bushes ahead.
SEAGOON: Hand me that
loaded Chinaman.
BLOODNOK: Don't point him
at me!
SEAGOON: It's alright I've
got a safety catch on. Who's that behind the bush? Come on who are you?
SPRIGGS: [singing] I'm
only a poor little vagabond...
FX: Gunshot
SEAGOON: Got 'im! Wait,
there's someone else.
SEAGOON: Ahoy there, come
out from behind that bush!
BLUEBOTTLE: Wait a minute,
don't shoot at me!
SEAGOON: Come on out
BLUEBOTTLE: Enter Bluebottle.
Thinks: Is the Bluebottle popularity slipping? No!
SEAGOON: Who are you, you
little high-bred wreck
BLUEBOTTLE: I'm a member of
General Cash-My-Cheque's secret NAAFI. Strikes dramatic pose as done in film
"The Bridges at Toko-Ri", by Grace Kennings and William Holdings in a
Japanese bath scène. Thinks: I wouldn't mind a bath night like that. Tee-hee!
SEAGOON: Have you proof of
your identity?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes I have, my
cap-i-tain, yes. Look: points to Chinese dragon tattooed at great expense on
tail of shirt
SEAGOON: What does that
prove?
BLUEBOTTLE: It proves that I
have a Chinese dragon tattooed on the tail of my shirt at great expense.
Thinks: I've got a Chinese dragon tattooed on the tail of my...
SEAGOON: Yes, yes, yes.
But why have you got that boot full of Chinese porridge strapped to your head?
BLUEBOTTLE: I always have a
bowl of Chinese porridge strapped on my head on a Monday
SEAGOON: But today's
Tuesday
BLUEBOTTLE: Is it? Oh, I feel
a proper fool now! Tee-hee! Thank you Chinese sausages.
SEAGOON: Stop those radio
award jokes, now how far are we from the secret Chinese NAAFI of
Cash-My-Cheque?
BLUEBOTTLE: I will not tell
you, you're not talking nicely to little Blunbottle.
SEAGOON: Fiendish
ELLINGTON: Right! Come on,
come on you mushroom legs!
BLUEBOTTLE: Eeeeeh! Take your
hands off my little arms, you might rub off on me. Here, you're not Chinese
ELLINGTON: How do you know?
BLUEBOTTLE: I can tell by
your eyes
ELLINGTON: Come on; come on
now, how far we go until the secret Chinese NAAFI?
BLUEBOTTLE: I don't like this
game. It's a rotten game. Let's play naughty Ainsley Scott being fired games
SEAGOON: Tell us, or we
play Bluebottle and taxidermists
BLUEBOTTLE: No, no! I'll tell
you! It is across this river, it is behind the
SEAGOON: Guards, forward!
GRAMS: Four Whooshes in a row
BLUEBOTTLE: Right, here we
are at the secret fiendish Chinese NAAFI. I will knock-id
FX: Few Knocks On Door And Opens
CHINESE: Oh boy, look,
it's a Bluebottle and honourable piano. Look, bloys, honourable naughty piano
has arrived
OMNES: [Chinese]
Hip-Hip-Hullay! Hip-Hip-Hullay!
SEAGOON: Together...
FX: Heavy Object Being Dragged Over Screams
GREENSLADE: Ladies and
gentlemen, while our heroes are getting the certain English piano up on the
stage of the secret Chinese NAAFI I would like to draw your attention to page
52 of this week's Radio Times. It shows a 3 quarter rear view of a lady wearing
a pair of corsets. We would like to point out that this is an advertisement and
not a programme, though I must say it might be the basis of a jolly good show.
I see now that the certain English piano is in position and a fiendish Chinese
pianist is about to play
OMNES: gibberish
Chinese crowd atmosphere
SEAGOON: [Chinese]
Silence, please silence! Honourable plianist will now play westlern style tlune
ORCHESTRA: Piano Plays Same Tune As Before but Stops before the Last Note
GRYTPYPE: Curse it,
Moriarty, he hasn't played the note!
ORCHESTRA: Piano Plays Same Tune As Before but Stops before the Last Note
GRYTPYPE: Oh, he's missed
it again!
SPRIGGS: Chinese
gentlemen, don't fret! Your poor fiendish pianist can not play the piano so I
will sing you another melody. Could I have an A please?
ORCHESTRA: Piano Plays An A, The Final Note Of The Previous Tune
GRAMS: Giant Explosion, Glass Smashing and Objects Falling On Floor
GRYTPYPE: Damn clever these
Chinese!
ORCHESTRA: Closing Theme Tune
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon
Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike
Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was
conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer
Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton.
BLUEBOTTLE: I didn't get
deaded this week! Tee-hee!
ORCHESTRA: Outro