GOON SHOW: TLO 70045
5TH SERIES: No 16
BROADCAST: 11 Jan 1955
Script by Spike Milligan and Eric
Sykes
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC.
GREENSLADE: We commence with the
Greenslade impressions (clears throat) hoo-hoooo chorff chorff chorff chorff
(getting faster) chorff chorff chorff chorff, chorff chorff chorff chorff,
chorff chorff chorff chorff, chorff chorff chorff. Oh look I'm a train. Chorff
chorff chorff ho-hohooowl ho-hoooowl
MILLIGAN: It's going to be a long
hard winter.
GREENSLADE: And now listeners, I
would like to thank those of you who sent old Greenslade all those loverly
gifts of ties, socks and shirts. Keep sending them in Greensladers and here is
my new address: Greenslade's Natty Gents Outfitters,
FX: gunshot
SEAGOON: And that signals the start
of another highly esteemed, Goon Show!
GRAMS: wedding march and church
bells.
OMNES: (13 seconds of lots loud
garbled talking, at least three people, different accents) (fades).
SECOMBE: (Welsh accent) This has
nothing to do with the show, but isn't it beautiful, loh
GRAMS: Mandolin music
MORIARTY: (German accent)
SEAGOON: Yes, Bacon-bones ... In
that fateful year I, Neddie Seagoon, was on a walking tour of the Austrian Istria.
By chance I was given a ticket for the Grand Ball, held at the schloss
GRYTPYPE: Yes, the Crown Prince,
being of the house of Eidelburgher was the heir. But we reactionaries did not
want another Eidelburgher on the throne. So that night at the grand ball we
conspired.
GRAMS: Waltz music fades under.
BANNISTER: (over music) Owhhhh ...
aaaah, owwhhh.
GRYTPYPE: Ahh, there you are Count
Moriarty.
MORIARTY: Ah, Goodharpen herr
Grytpype. I've been looking for you all over the ballroom.
GRYTPYPE: You fool, you made it so
obvious hanging on the chandelier.
MORIARTY: Achtung, listen, we must
talk together.
GRYTPYPE: No I'll wait until you've
finished.
MORIARTY: Look, let us go outside on
ze balcony.
GRYTPYPE: No we mustn't do that,
we're being watched.
MORIARTY: How can we talk without
arousing suspicion?
GRYTPYPE: I have it! Come close.
MORIARTY: Yah.
GRYTPYPE: Hold tight now, and ah,
one two three, one two three, chessay (???) reverse turn ...
MORIARTY: My you waltz divinely. Now
we can talk without drawing attention to each other.
GRYTPYPE: Yes.
MORIARTY: Do you come here often?
GRYTPYPE: Only for assassinations.
MORIARTY: Good.
GRYTPYPE: One two three.
MORIARTY: Ah, assassinations, that brings
us to the point of Crown Prince Arnold. What is the plan for him?
GRYTPYPE: Well,
MORIARTY: yah.
GRYTPYPE: This night he is sleeping
in the castle.
MORIARTY: Ah hah.
GRYTPYPE: At the hour of midnight we
must place a bomb in his bed. two, three.
MORIARTY: But surely he's bound to
feel a cold bomb.
GRYTPYPE: No, not if it's put inside
a hot water bottle. two three.
MORIARTY: Good, I'll tell you what
we'll do ...
SEAGOON: Pardon me, ...
MORIARTY: Yes.
SEAGOON: ... may I cut in, this is
an excuse me dance you know.
MORIARTY: Curse! I'll see you later
Colonel Grytpype.
GRYTPYPE: Very good Moriarty.
MORIARTY: Auf wiedersehen, al
feezle-hurn.
SEAGOON: Will you mind taking your
knees out of my eyes?
GRYTPYPE: I beg your pardon.
SEAGOON: I say, I hope you didn't
mind me excusing you.
GRYTPYPE: No, I love competition.
SEAGOON: I'm Neddie Seagoon, English
tourist you know. I'm on a walking tour.
GRYTPYPE: I thought this couldn't be
dancing.
GRAMS: Waltz stops. Drum roll,
trumpet fanfare.
GREENSLADE: Their imperial
majesties, the Emperor and Empress Farendel el il one
OMNES: Umm, yuhmyum .. (general
mutterings)
GREENSLADE: His excellency, the
Count Diseccles Ambassador to the Royal Principality of the House of
Yourgenbourg the second...
OMNES: Umm, yumyum ... (general
mutterings)
GREENSLADE: Fred Smith.
OMNES: Owl ... (much more enthusiast
mutterings)
SEAGOON: I say, that's our British
Ambassador.
FX: Penny in mug. more pennies being
collected continues under:
BLOODNOK: Thank you, thank you very
much, thank you.
SEAGOON: There he goes ...
collecting for
FX: Distant penny in cup.
MORIARTY: Now then Colonel Grytpype,
I have some bad news.
GRYTPYPE: Bad news?
MORIARTY: The man who was going to
plant the bomb has got cold feet.
GRYTPYPE: I told you not to send a
man without socks.
MORIARTY: We must find some other
Charlie.
GRYTPYPE: Another Charlie ayy?
MORIARTY: Yep.
GRYTPYPE: Well, arh, lets go into
the throne room.
FX: rattling of door knob.
BANNISTER: Noooo.
GRYTPYPE: Curse, somebody's in
there.
SEAGOON: Well, I better be going to
bed now, it's way past nine o'clock you know.
GRYTPYPE: No, no wait Neddie, wait!
Ah, Just a moment, ah, mmm, mmm. Moriarty
MORIARTY: What's this?
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty this is the
Charlie for the bomb plan.
MORIARTY: What? But this idiot is
English.
GRYTPYPE: Is there any other kind?
(going off) Now listen, what I have in mind is this ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ...
SEAGOON: The two men finished
whispering and then spoke.
GRYTPYPE: Seagoon, take off that
three-ply deer stalker.
SEAGOON: There you are.
GRYTPYPE: Good. Moriarty have a look
at our English friend.
MORIARTY: Arluuurgh (throwing up
noises)
GRYTPYPE: Precisely. But look at the
birth mark on the lining of his hat.
MORIARTY: Yah, it says 'mother'.
SEAGOON: Oh that. I had it tattooed
in at
MORIARTY: Sapriski Nuckoes. That is
the royal birthmark of the Dinburghers.
SEAGOON: Yes, I've been told that
often.
MORIARTY: Naturally. Your rightful
place is on the throne.
SEAGOON: Yes, but it's locked.
GRYTPYPE: Thank you. Let me tell you
a folklore. When you were but a month old, you were snatched from your cradle
and an impostor was put in your place. And then ...
SEAGOON: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes?
GRYTPYPE: Please don't do that. Yes
you poor lad were wrapped in a copy of the radio times and placed on the door
step of a barber shop.
SEAGOON: I know, I hated that
barber.
GRYTPYPE: He took you in didn't he?
SEAGOON: Not till I was twenty
three. By that time I was too big to step over.
GRYTPYPE: Never the less, you are
now the heir to the throne.
SEAGOON: Me, Emperor
of Austria-Hungeria? Ha ha ha ha.
GRYTPYPE: Yes.
SEAGOON: Oh, we'll have a grand time
won't we? Ha ha ha ha. Wine and girls, and wine and girls, and girls and
singing. (sings) Be my love, speak to me Paula (???), speak to me Paula ... Ha
ha ha I'm King. huh, Good night I'm King. ah ha. I must send a postcard to the
lads, mustn't it.
GRYTPYPE: Yes, yes, ...
SEAGOON: Ha ha, (sings) mister
whatcha call 'er (???) what ya doing to night? I'm an emperor aren't we
allllllllll?
GRYTPYPE: You silly twisted boy you.
SEAGOON: Well my loyal subject,
where's the keys to the old royal purse (???) ayy? hmmn hmmn hmmn hmmn. I love
we're (???) giving orders. Get me a princess, ha ha ha humho oh ah (continues
laughing under:)
GRYTPYPE: (off) ~~~ ~~~ ~~~
MORIARTY: Not , not so fast Crown
Prince Charlie. Yes! (???) Before we can take office, there is one little job
you must do.
SEAGOON: Just say the word.
MORIARTY: Assassinate Crown Prince
Arnold.
(pause)
SEAGOON: (gulp)
FX: clatter of body falling to
floor.
MORIARTY: Stretcher bearer Geldray.
MAX GELDRAY -
GREENSLADE: The rightful heir part
two. Until the plot to eliminate Crown Prince Arnold has been perfected, the
rightful heir Ned Seagoon is kept in the gaesthaus of Fred Cafe. Bett und
fruehstueck en zwei mark proprietor herr Crun.
SEAGOON: Guten morgen herr alber
CRUN: Guten morgen mein hairy. Do
you want breakfast now, or will you wait until it's ready?
SEAGOON: Yes, six boiled eggs
CRUN: Errr, mnnrq, mnn Good, good,
good, good. I'll just shout down the hatch. Frau Bannister?
BANNISTER: (off) Ja vole buddy.
CRUN: Sechs gekochte eier
BANNISTER: (off) Sechs gekochte eier
CRUN: Kaffee mein hairy.
SEAGOON: Yes.
BANNISTER: (off) Kaffee mein hairy.
CRUN: Und eine carfsa Kaffee
BANNISTER: nmm yaka da bool ... un
dine carff da coffee
SEAGOON: With milk.
CRUN: Mit eine bitte milch
BANNISTER: (off) wid in bidnn milk.
CRUN: yup.
SEAGOON: Oh, and di di, bread and
butter.
CRUN: Und brot mit butter
BANNISTER: What I need (???) wha mnn
mnnn mnn
CRUN: Anything else?
SEAGOON: No thank you.
CRUN: Then I'll just go
down into the kitchen.
SEAGOON: Why?
CRUN: Minnie doesn't understand
German.
SEAGOON: I sat back to read a
picture of King Edward. I was just about to draw a moustache on the portrait ...
when through the window ...
FX: window smashing, falling glass
SEAGOON: It was a stone with a man
tied to it.
ECCLES: Hullooo. Oh, it's good to be
alive.
SEAGOON: Who are you, you ragged
idiot.
ECCLES: I'm the famous Eccles and
I've got a message for you.
SEAGOON: Let me see.
FX: Unscrunching paper
SEAGOON: This paper is blank.
ECCLES: I know, I've got to write
the message on it. Now then what's your name.
SEAGOON: Seagoon
ECCLES: Ok, 'Dear Seagoon, the man
who is writing this note, has a message for you. Signed, signed, Eccles.' Dere,
read that!
SEAGOON: Is it for me?
ECCLES: Let me see, is your name
Seagoon?
SEAGOON: Yes.
ECCLES: Yup, it's for you, yup.
SEAGOON: Who's it from?
ECCLES: Um, who's it from, now, let
me see um. Signed Enk, wait on ~~~, signed Enk, signed Enkles, no dats not it.
Got da word here, got , I got it, I got it, I got, don't worry. Si.. Ohhh!,
signed Eccles, it's, it's from me! Its from me.
SEAGOON: Give it here, let me see
it. 'Dowr Siegloon, Der mon roose nat lar fir grut olg folg marg, siginned
Eccelid.'
ECCLES: Huh ho, I made a right mess
of that didn't I! Ha ha.
SEAGOON: Never mind Kaxton, it so
happens I overheard you writing this note.
ECCLES: Ohh, oh well, burn that note
quick.
SEAGOON: Why?
ECCLES: I don't want people to think
that I'm illiterate. hu ho.
SEAGOON: Why not? You have the
personality to carry it off.
ECCLES: Oh?, You think so?
SEAGOON: Yes.
ECCLES: Oh, it's fun to be alive!
Fun to be al...
SEAGOON: Now, hurry up and give me
that message.
ECCLES: Oh yeh, you got to go to the
castle of the imperial Huzzars, and ask the commander for the secret parcel.
SEAGOON: Secret parcel? Right!
ECCLES: Yup. Well I had better be
off now. Goodbye.
SEAGOON: Goodbye.
FX: footsteps, getting faster and
faster running away away.
SEAGOON: Gad! I've never seen a mans
boots move so fast.
ECCLES: Neither have I, I had better
run after them. Huh ho!
SEAGOON: Wait, we'll come with you.
FX: whoosh ... whoosh, whoosh woosh.
door closes.
(silence)
GREENSLADE: Ladies and Gentlemen. We
would like to explain the reason for that extended silence. It's quite simple.
When Ned Seagoon, and the famous Eccles departed, the room was left empty.
Hence the lack of sound, in case any of you have just switched on, here once
again is the sound of an empty room.
(9 seconds of silence)
GREENSLADE: Thank you. I leave you with
the empty room.
FX: Door opens.
CRUN: aarrr, ar er
FX: cups and sauces being clinked. under:
CRUN: Come along Min.
BANNISTER: I'm coming buddy, Coming,
I'm coming buddy.
CRUN: Well, here's your breakfast
herr Seagoon.
BANNISTER: Six size sechs eggs, six
eggs.
CRUN: Sechs eggs
BANNISTER: Six eggs in German.
CRUN: Coffee with milk, herr
Seagoon.
BANNISTER: With the milk, yes.
CRUN: Yes.
BANNISTER: Grapefruit buddy.
CRUN: Got the grapefruit.
BANNISTER: ~~~ ~~~ they got the salt
for him Henry?
CRUN: Yes, I got ~~~
BANNISTER: He'll like this breakfast,
because it's loverly ~~~
CRUN: Beautiful breakfast Min.
BANNISTER: Yes, I hope you enjoy it
herr Seagoon. I, I don't
CRUN: Well ...
BANNISTER: I do hope you enjoy it.
CRUN: Bon appetitee herr Seagoon.
BANNISTER: Bon appetite.
(2 second pause)
FX: door closed.
CRUN: Min?
BANNISTER: What Hen?
CRUN: Herr Seagoon isn't here.
BANNISTER: Perhaps he's gone out for
some breakfast.
CRUN: Yes, he must have gone out.
FX: door opened.
BANNISTER: Lets have a look for him
Hen ....
CRUN: Yes.
BANNISTER: (off) Herr Seagoon?
FX: door closed. (pause)
CRUN: Herr ...
FX: door opened.
CRUN: ... Seagoon.
FX: door closed.
(pause)
FX: door opened.
BANNISTER: (off) Herr Hairy Seagoon.
FX: door closed. (pause). door
opened.
CRUN: Herr Seagoon?
FX: door closed.
BANNISTER: (off) Herr herr Seagoon?
Herr herr ere ...
FX: door opened.
BANNISTER: Herr Seagoon.
FX: door closed.
FX: door opened.
BANNISTER: eeere mn-err, hairy
Seagoon.
FX: door opened.
CRUN: Seagoooon?
BANNISTER: Herr Seagoon?
FX: door closed.
(pause)
FX: door opened and closed. (sucking
in of breath ???)
CRUN: He's not here Min.
BANNISTER: You mean I've cooked all
this breakfast for nothing!
CRUN: But (???) Minnie it wasn't my
fault Min.
BANNISTER: I don't like this sort of
mnn German espionage ~~~
CRUN: Naughty Minnie, don't lose you
temper again.
FX: series of breaking windows with
min & crun arguing, progresses to stampeding rabble, distant bugle charge,
dive bomber, machine gun, explosion, falling glass and rubble, yells from min.
CRUN: Min, let's not start a
quarrel.
BANNISTER: I'm not quarrelling Henry,
buddy, I'm not quarrelling
CRUN: Do you mean that Min?
BANNISTER: Yes I love you Henry
buddy.
CRUN: Well if you love me, put that
piano down.
BANNISTER: I didn't know I had it,
you know I ~~~ ~~~
CRUN: Come along Min. Poor Hairy
Seagoon has gone without his breakfast ~~~ ~~~ we must go ~~~
BANNISTER: ~~~ must get his breakfast
~~~
FX: door closed.
GREENSLADE: Little do they know that
by now Seagoon has reached the castle of the Imperial Hazaars.
SEAGOON: Ahoooooy there in the
castle.
BLOODNOK: Crod me klerdler and hit
me naughty splow. That sounds like him, Charlie the First. Taluula?
ELLINGTON: Yes sir?
BLOODNOK: Lower the drawbridge.
ELLINGTON: Ying tong iddle i po.
BLOODNOK & SEAGOON: Good!
FX: Rattle of chains.
BLOODNOK: Right, come across.
SEAGOON: I can't, it's on me foot.
BLOODNOK: Well raise it a bit.
FX: chains.
BLOODNOK: Come on in.
FX: splash.
BLOODNOK: Noddle me steaming chuff.
Two feet off the ground and he walks under it!
SEAGOON: (off) Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!
BLOODNOK: Lower it.
FX: chains. crash.
SEAGOON: Ohhhh, my bonce!
BLOODNOK: You know it just isn't his
day that's all.
SEAGOON: You fool, oooh. Do you
realise that I'm Crown Prince Neddie?
BLOODNOK: Crown Prince Nurgle?
SEAGOON: Yes.
BLOODNOK: What? Ohh, please Neddie,
forgive an old campaigner, I'll go to me room and I'll shoot meself.
ELLINGTON: You can shoot yourself
out here.
BLOODNOK: What?! Do you want me to
catch death of cold? No, I'll do it in my room like a soldier and a man. Sire
could you lend me a pistol?
SEAGOON: No.
BLOODNOK: A dagger?
SEAGOON: No.
BLOODNOK: A sword?
SEAGOON: No.
BLOODNOK: Ten bob?
SEAGOON: Yes.
BLOODNOK: Good, I'll borrow that.
Honour is satisfied. Unseal the NAAFI. Know your highness, the secret parcel
here is for you.
SEAGOON: (straining) Nggaaahhh Nnngh
Awl awl!. It's heavy isn't it?
BLOODNOK: (off) I'm still holding on
to it!
BLOODNOK: Oh, now, now, this is to
be placed in the bed of that impostor ... Crown Prince Arnold. But first, pull
up a port-cullis and listen to Gladys Ellington.
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET - "Give Me Your Word Your Love Will Never Die."
SEAGOON: Disguising myself as a chamber
maid, I took the secret parcel into the chamber of Crown Prince Arnold. Three
hours later I managed to get out. My disguise had been too perfect!
GRYTPYPE: Ahhhh, Crown Prince
Neddie.
SEAGOON: Colonel Grytpype. I put the
parcel in his bed. What is in it?
GRYTPYPE: A time bomb.
SEAGOON: But isn't that dangerous?
GRYTPYPE: Only when it explodes. Now
what you have to do is rouse the villages.
SEAGOON: Are they asleep?
GRYTPYPE: No more than usual.
Moriarty, a horse for the Crown Prince nnn.
MORIARTY: That's a fair swap.
SEAGOON: Right. I'm off to rally the
villages around my banner. Gid-up there.
FX: galloping hooves over:
GRAMS: chase music.
FX: hooves come to a stop (sliding
noise???)
FX: quick knock on door. door
opened.
THROAT: Yes?
SEAGOON: We revolt tonight.
THROAT: Right.
FX: door closes. galloping. knocking
on door. door opened.
WILLIUM: Yes sir?
SEAGOON: We revolt tonight.
WILLIUM: Oh, Good luck.
FX: door closed. galloping.
knocking. door opened quickly.
SEAGOON: We revolt tonight.
WILLIUM: Blimey, you back again?
SEAGOON: Right, gid-up.
FX: door closed. galloping (short
distance). knocking. door opened.
BANNISTER: Arhhh, your breakfast is
ready.
SEAGOON: Not now. We're starting the
revolution.
FX: door closed. galloping. quick
knock. door opened.
SEAGOON: Yes.
WILLIUM: We revolt tonight.
SEAGOON: We revolt tonight? Oh, I
must warn the villages.
FX: door closed. galloping. door
knocking. opened door.
SEAGOON: We revolt tonight.
WILLIUM: Look here mate, don't keep
picking on me, try that house over there.
FX: door closed. galloping. knock.
door opened.
WILLIUM: We revolt tonight.
SEAGOON: Look here don't keep
picking on me, try that house over there.
WILLIUM: Right mate.
SEAGOON: By the way is that phone
call for me?
WILLIUM: Which one?
FX: Phone rings.
SEAGOON: That one.
WILLIUM: Pick it up then.
SEAGOON: Hello, hello?
WILLIUM: (distort) We revolt
tonight.
SEAGOON: Thank you.
FX: galloping. knocking. door
opened.
SEAGOON: Yes?
BANNISTER: We'll have breakfast
tonight (???).
SEAGOON: Where's my revolution.
WILLIUM: Excuse me.
SEAGOON: Certainly.
GRAMS: slow dance music.
GRYTPYPE: We just don't care do we?
GREENSLADE: Meanwhile in the bedroom
of the Crown Prince it is two minutes to nine.
FX: Loud ticking of clock over: door
opens. mouth noises, light snoring, sighs, smacking of lips, snoring,
explosion.
SEAGOON: That's it, he's gone!
FX: Door opens.
GRYTPYPE: Something has gone wrong
with our plans, I've had news that the Crown Prince left for
SEAGOON: But who was in his bed?
BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten swine you!!
ORCHESTRA: End theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show,
a recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan
with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by
Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace
Greenslade, the program produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.