GOON SHOW TLO 69221
5TH SERIES: NO 14
1ST BROADCAST: 28 Dec. 1954
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Home Service
THROAT: Cor Blimey!
ORCHESTRA: "Jingle Bells"
SELLERS: 'Tis Christmas, and in every home are
sounds of revelry and good cheer. But alas outside...
GRAMS: Snow Blizzard Over Speech
SELLERS: Outside in the driving snow a lone tragic
ragged figure stumbles through the icy streets, his thin frost-bitten fingers
clutching at the thread-bare overcoat. He stumbles into a decrepit hovel
ignoring the poor wretches who lay groaning on the straw-covered floor. He
staggers in, lets fall his ragged coat, lurches forward and says...
SEAGOON: Welcome to the Goon Show!
GRAMS: Various moans and wailings...
SEAGOON: Thank you listeners. And a Merry Christmas
to all our readers. For the Christmas festival we present on the new curved
speaker radio set, A Bandit Of Sherwood Forest
OMNES: Ole
ORCHESTRA: Grand Opening
GREENSLADE: Doncaster late in the 12th century, 'tis
December and the snow covered coaching yard of the Bowman's
SHERIFF: Oh coach master, a word I pray
SEAGOON: (country accent) Coming sir! Ah 'tis the
Sheriff of Nottingham. A pleasure to talk to the only real gentleman here
SHERIFF: Oh really?
SEAGOON: Yes, that's him over there by the wall.
Wallace the Greenslade
SHERIFF: Hm, forsooth this day I would travel to
SEAGOON: Coach don't need a ticket, it travels free
ha ha ha...
SHERIFF: Now then, I wish a seat with my back to
the horses
SEAGOON:Dun't matter, if you're downwind you'll
still cop it! Hur hur hur...
SHERIFF:Ye good joke.(lapses into cockney) Now belt
up will ya!
SHERIFF: Baggage boy! Baggage boy!
ECCLES: Hello. Didst thou call, sire?
SHERIFF: Long thin lad put my three bags top of the
coach for
ECCLES: Forsooth I will do that, I say sooth,
sooth, sooth, sooth and... sooth!
SHERIFF: What manner of an idiot is this that keeps
saying sooth?
ECCLES: Little does he know that I'm a soothsayer!
(laughs) Now don't hit me now! Ooh, what was that?
SHERIFF: Just my little foot. Now get those bags
and...
ECCLES: Okay, I got the bags, I'll get all the
bags, I've done this before you know!?
GRAMS: Cases being moved and thumped about
ECCLES: Steady on, I'll get them up, I've done
this before you know? I'll just get them up there! (faintly) There you are all
safe and sound on top. Oooh! I forgot the bags! I'll come down and...
SHERIFF: No no no, stay there and I'll throw them
up to you. Here's one - two - three. Got them?
SEAGOON: Excuse me sir, could you give I a hand
around the other side of the coach?
SHERIFF: Why?
SEAGOON: There's a lad lying down with 3 cases on
top of him
SHERIFF: Idiot! Idiot!
ECCLES: OK, it's okay Sire, I didn't hurt myself
SHERIFF: Well jump again
ECCLES: I fell on this old woman
GREENSLADE: I'm not an old woman
ECCLES: I'm sorry, I meant this old man
GREENSLADE: I'm not an old woman or an old man
ECCLES: Ooooh!
GREENSLADE: I'm a young man
Coachman and ECCLES: Laugh, ye good joke!
FLOWERDEW: Hark ye all! Hark ye all! The coach for
SEAGOON: Everyone aboard
OMNES: Good-bye!
SEAGOON: Next stop
ORCHESTRA: Cheerful Link
GRAMS: Carriage Rolling Along Over Speech
BANNISTER: (snoring) Oh dear, dear, dear dear! I must
have dozed off. Where are we, pray, gentlemen?
SHERIFF: We're in
BANNISTER: Oh! Oh dear! What's become of the long,
thin lad?
SHERIFF: I threw him out of the coach a mile back
BANNISTER: What in heaven made you do that, sir?
SHERIFF: I don't know, just high spirits I suppose
BANNISTER: The poor, poor lad, lost in the forest the
wolves will get him
HUNGARIAN: (heavily accented) Please don't mention
the wolves!
BANNISTER: Why not?
HUNGARIAN: (heavily accented) I'm an Hungarian!
GRAMS: Carriage Screeches To A Halt
FRIAR BALSAM: Stand and deliver! Hands up or I'll split
your grotkin in each quarter!
BANNISTER: Oh mercy! It's an outlaw!
FRIAR BALSAM: I warn you madam, one step nearer and I'll
scream
GREENSLADE: Art thou one of Robin Hood's men?
FRIAR BALSAM: I art, me name is Friar Balsam
GREENSLADE: What luck! Oh indeed, what luck! I wish to
join your band, I play the saxophone
FRIAR BALSAM: Oh, just what we need, right we shall keep
you. Now coachman, you may drive on anon.
SEAGOON: Giddup!
FX: Horse Gallops Off (Getting Faster) Into Distance
FRIAR BALSAM: Now then my lad, from now on you will be
known as Little John and...
ROBIN HOOD: Ahoy there my merry men, it is I Robin
Hood nee Neddie Seagoon known as handsome Harry plus Harry Secombe now playing
in pantomime.
(singing) Be my love for no-one…
Falling
in love with love is falling for make-believe!
Ricondita armonia,
un diversa bellezza.
Hooray! Well
done. More! More! Thank you, more!
SHERIFF: Come along Robin there's no need to be so
shy. Robin this is our new recruit
ROBIN HOOD: Welcome to the band, I'll have you fitted
for a suit of Lincoln Green. Call Nobby the tailor!
NOBBY: (Lew/Jewish) Yes er, what is it dumpling?
ROBIN HOOD: Measure this man
NOBBY: Why, is he dead?
ROBIN HOOD: For a suit
NOBBY: Oh a suit, alright then. Elken, you got
the tape?
THROAT: Yes!
NOBBY: Good. Right now then um - and the chalk Elki
boy… chest 17 including shoulders, waist
56 - 'ere you're a bit of a nosher ain't you? Never mind it's nice to see it on
you - Right arm 18, left arm 28 - now then inside leg...
GREENSLADE: Oooooh!
NOBBY: Sorry! That's all now, half a nicker to
you
GREENSLADE: I refuse to be seen wearing half a nicker!
ECCLES: Here here here! Ooh help! Robin Hood,
help!
ROBIN HOOD: It's Will Eccles, what's happened?
ECCLES: The Sheriff of Nottingham, he threw me out
of the coach, clung! But I learnt something else: his men have captured Maid
Marion
ROBIN HOOD: Oh no! Maid
FRIAR BALSAM: You must rescue her
ROBIN HOOD: Yes. I must rescue her, she's so
beautiful!
FRIAR BALSAM: It will mean certain death for you
ROBIN HOOD: I don't know, she wasn't that pretty. I
wonder where they're keeping her
ECCLES: Where they're keeping her? In the forest
of course, because there's plenty of good hiding places there, my dad used to
take me there
ROBIN HOOD: What for?
ECCLES: A good hiding - Ha ha!
FRIAR BALSAM: You're all cowards, do you hear me? The
fair Maid Marion must be rescued at all costs. Will Eccles, saddle me horse
ROBIN HOOD: Max Geldray strap on a perforated mackerel
sheet - zounds!
MAX GELDRAY -
"Oh, Lady Be Good"
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link
MAID
SHERIFF: Get in there you naughty Maid Marion
MAID
SHERIFF: Little Spitfire!
MAID
SHERIFF: Only in a Turkish Bath
MAID
SHERIFF: In that case goodbye-est!
FX: Heavy Door Shutting
MAID
SELLERS: The part of Maid Marion is being played by
Miss Charlotte Mitchell and a ripe little ham she's proving. Pray, continue
MAID
ROBIN HOOD: Psssst!
MAID
ROBIN HOOD: Pssst!
MAID
ROBIN HOOD: Pe ss tte!
MAID
ROBIN HOOD: Yessssst
MAID
ROBIN HOOD: Chained to the wall behind you. The truth
is I'm a prisoner. My arms are chained
MAID
ROBIN HOOD: No
MAID
ORCHESTRA: Lounge Dance Music Over Speech
MAID
ROBIN HOOD: Do you come here often? Stop! (ORCHESTRA
STOPS) Stop this mad soiree
MAID
ROBIN HOOD: I know, isn't it a bore? But we must
escape. Wait, this stone I'm chained to, it's loose, I can feel the draught.
Hnnnnnnn Hnnnnn Hnnn. Ah! I've done it!
MAID
ROBIN HOOD: Taken an aspirin, I don't want to catch
cold
MAID
ROBIN HOOD: My arms are chained, but my teeth aren't!
Place the chain twixt my teeth
MAID
ROBIN HOOD: Right. Hnnnn, it's coming I think, hnnn
MAID
FX: Set Of Teeth Falling On The Floor
ROBIN HOOD: Well don't just stand there! Pick them up!
MAID
ROBIN HOOD: It wasn't me
MAID
ECCLES: There's more than one prisoner in here
ROBIN HOOD: 'Tis the noble Eccles. What are you doing
here?
ECCLES: Six months!
ROBIN HOOD: You captured too?
FX: Heavy Prison Door Opened
MAID
SHERIFF: Yes, I've come to take you, Maid Marion
ROBIN HOOD: Splat Thun Zowee Blun Thud Biff Club
Wallop Than Blat Sokko! There, let that be a lesson to you! Blat! Blat!
SHERIFF: You silly twisted boy, you! Come Maid
FRIAR BALSAM: (Blows out candle)
SHERIFF: Who blew my candle out?
ECCLES: Ho ho
FRIAR BALSAM: Don't move, sheriff, or this club will
mash your nugglers
ROBIN HOOD: It's Friar Balsam. Let the sheriff have it
OMNES: Thuds and screams of fighting
MAID
FRIAR BALSAM: Club'n'yukka. Now, you swine, had enough?
ECCLES: Yup, I've had enough'
FRIAR BALSAM: Eccles! Where's the sheriff?
ROBIN HOOD: I've got him by the throat, help me!
FRIAR BALSAM: No!
ROBIN HOOD: Why not?
FRIAR BALSAM: My throat!
FX: Heavy Prison Door Shut
FRIAR BALSAM: Flatter me nurtures with crods, he's got
away with Maid Marion
ECCLES: Oooh!
FX: Phone Rings
FRIAR BALSAM: (Smooth hern) I'll get it, baby. Hello?
(normal Bloodnok) It's for you
ROBIN HOOD: Hello? Robin Hood here
ERNIE CASH: (Jewish, on other end) Hello. Listen
listen, Ernie Cash here. Now listen, listen Robin. The sheriff's been on the
blower to me from the
ROBIN HOOD: 2000 pounds? What shall I do?
ERNIE CASH: Offer him 1750 and take a chance on it
ROBIN HOOD: I haven't got a penny on me
ERNIE CASH: Don't worry, don't worry schmooliker I
sent the geezer on his way with the geldt to get you out of schtuck
ROBIN HOOD: Thank you, thank you, you've saved my life
ERNIE CASH: Well we all make mistakes. Good-bye
ROBIN HOOD: All's well. Ellington, tell us why you're
in prison as well
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET -
"Framed"
GREENSLADE: (singing) Oh what a night, ah what a night
it was! It really was! I believe for every drop of rain that falls someone gets
wet (stops singing) Yes Greensladers it's your own Wallace Greenslade singing
to you again and don't forget - you too can have a signed photograph of Wallace
Greenslade for only 3 guineas. So, fan clubs, keep those cheques rolling in,
old Wallace will find a use for them. So 'til next time this is Mr. Rhythm
Greenslade saying chigidi-boo-boo rock-holy-coo-coo obi-doobi-doo
chiggidy-snitch 2 4 6 8 who do we appreciate? Greenslade!
GRAMS: Cheers And Whistles
GREENSLADE: Stop! Thank you. And now to the rest of
the B-feature - Ye Bandit of Sherwood Forest. Maid
GRAMS: Sounds of busy business activities
MAID
Sellers: The part of Maid Marion is still being
played by Miss Mitchell
SHERIFF: Fair damsel, pray do not sulk. Eat?
MAID
SHERIFF: Not surprising after that dirty great
kipper you wolfed. Now then, my dear, what I...
MAID
SHERIFF: You hot little bundle, you! Let me hold
you
FX: Violin String Snaps
SHERIFF: My, you are highly strung! But attractive
MAID
SHERIFF: You mean zounds
MAID
SHERIFF: Oh, ye good joke, yes. What do you say,
Baron Fred?
Baron Fred: hums a tune drunkenly
SHERIFF: He doesn't seem to care
MAID
WINSTON CHURCHILL: I'm looking for a telegram.
SEAGOON: Pardon me, zire, but there is a prisoner
outzide
SHERIFF: Is he bound?
SEAGOON: Of his health I know not, sir
SHERIFF: Well send him in
ELLINGTON: Come on, come on this way you! In you get!
Now, get on your knees there, son!
BLUEBOTTLE: Stop it you. You hurted little me. Enter
Bluebottle in doublet made from Mum's old drawers. These sausages, tee-hee!
MORIARTY: Silence! I speak for the Sheriff of
Nottingham. Who are you?
BLUEBOTTLE: I'm a member of Robin Hood's gang
MORIARTY: Sapristi!
BLUEBOTTLE: I ran away to join him because I was a
serf
MORIARTY: Tell me, little serf, why have you got a
saddle strapped to your back?
BLUEBOTTLE: That's for serf riding! Tee-hee! I made a
little jokules! Hee-hee!
ELLINGTON: Silence, you!
BLUEBOTTLE: If I had my arms free I'd give you a black
eye
ELLINGTON: What's the matter son? Are you colour
blind?
BLUEBOTTLE: Nic Nic, stop hitting me, nic nic. I don't
like this game. Where's my friend Eccules. Lets' play another game. Let's play
Rita Hayworth and husbands
MORIARTY: Sapristi bombit neyakkos, now listen! Tell
us, what is your position here?
BLUEBOTTLE: Can't you see I'm kneeling down?
MORIARTY: Speak the truth
BLUEBOTTLE: I have broughted the ransom money to free
my master Robin Swininge
MORIARTY: I understand perfectly, but where is the
money little string-bonce-yeomans?
BLUEBOTTLE: First you must free Robin
MORIARTY: Tie him to a stake!
BLUEBOTTLE: No! Do not tie me to a stake
MORIARTY: Why not?
BLUEBOTTLE: I'm a vegetarian. Hee, yehee.
MORIARTY: Alright...
BLUEBOTTLE: Stop knocking me.
MORIARTY: ...stop it man, listen to me, drink this!
BLUEBOTTLE: No I must not drinkie alcoholic drinkies,
I'm a minor
MORIARTY: I don't care if you're a navvy, drink!
BLUEBOTTLE: Well, as you asked me so nicely and also
because you're holding a dirty big chopper over my little nut I'll have to
drink it, won't I? Thinks: this must be the dreaded deading of Bluebottle part.
hoo-hoo! Good luck to you. Picks up cardboard goblet and drinks. Gulp!
GRAMS: Whoosh, Kettle Whistle, Whoosh, Boing, Whoosh, Big Ben Strikes, Cat
Shrieks, Whoosh
BLUEBOTTLE: Tee-hee! That was jolly nice that was! I
thought that was going to dead me, but I was wrong
GRAMS: Big Explosion
BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten
ROBIN HOOD: Oh no, stop! hark ye, I am here!
MAID
ROBIN HOOD: Belt-up, you! 'Tis I Robin! Freed by
Wallace the Greenslade. Come men, attack the sheriff!
OMNES: Blang Bong Thud Whee Blut Zowee Blunge
MAID
ROBIN HOOD: That's what you think
MAID
WINSTON CHURCHILL: He's helping me look for that blasted
telegram!
FRIAR BALSAM: Club, whack. Oh Robin, we can't keep this
up much longer, will they never arrive?
ROBIN HOOD: Who?
FRIAR BALSAM: Those blasted sound-effects men. Blunge
Thog
ROBIN HOOD: Let me help. Blat
MAID
ROBIN HOOD: Thud
MAID
MORIARTY: Blum and Bonk
MAID
ROBIN HOOD: Blat. My fiance copped that
SHERIFF: Stop, Robin Hood. Robin, call your men
off, you win, you win, you win. Your thuds blats and wallops were far louder
than ours. Maid
ROBIN HOOD: Friar Crun?
CRUN: Yes, coming, coming
ROBIN HOOD: A wedding, let two be joined as one
CRUN: Stand there, both. Now do you take this -
um - what is it?
MAID
CRUN: Take this man to be your husband?
MAID
CRUN: Yes, and do you take this woman as your
wife
GREENSLADE: Yes I do
CRUN: Pronounced man and wife 5 shillings please
ROBIN HOOD: Stop! You married the wrong man!
GREENSLADE: Oh yeah! 2 4 6 8est - who do girls
appreciatest?
MAID
GRAMS: Cheers And Whistles
ORCHESTRA: End Theme Tune
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show, a recorded
programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan and Charlotte
Mitchell with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra as
conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer
Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.