FOROG
GOON
SHOW: TLO 69220
5TH
SERIES: No 13
BROADCAST: 21 Dec. 1954
GREENSLADE: This is the
BBC
SECOMBE: The wretched
man was about to refer to the highly ignored Goon Show.
GRAMS: HUGE CHEERS
AND WHISTLES
SECOMBE: Stop!
(GRAMS stop) Greenslade?
GREENSLADE: Sir?
SECOMBE: Leave your
toys for a moment, and lets have some words.
GREENSLADE: Yes big
brother. Ladies and gentle-pong, this week the Goons present a
science-fiction fantasy play in a cunning attempt to take the place of the
horror comics. This masterpiece of mediocrity is entitled...
ORCHESTRA: HORROR AND
SUSPENSE CHORD
SECOMBE: Forog!
(insane laughter)
ORCHESTRA: CLARINET
PLAYING A VERY LOW SINISTER PIECE
SELLERS: (low,
sinister voice) It was one of those days that follow the night.
SEAGOON: Yes, I
decided to go out for a breath of fresh air.
MILLIGAN: Let him go!
SEAGOON: I hadn't
realised it was so foggy, but indeed it was so thick that I had to walk in
front of myself with a blazing torch.
ECCLES: I’m not the
only one!
SEAGOON: As I walked
long a stream of buses and cars followed in my wake. Strange how men
recognise a leader. I hurried them along when suddenly...
BANNISTER: Ooooooh no,
please! Oooooh no, oooh!
SEAGOON: ...I bumped
into someone. Are you alright madam?
BANNISTER: You should
know!
SEAGOON: Madam,
perhaps I can direct you somewhere?
BANNISTER: I'd better
direct you, sir!
SEAGOON: Me?
You, direct me? That's rich! Guide a path through
BANNISTER: You're in my
kitchen!
SEAGOON:
Impossible! By my calculations I've just come up Highgate Hill
BANNISTER: You've just
come up three flights of steps, Mister
SEAGOON: Oh, good
heavens! I'm on the third floor! No, it can't be!
MILLIGAN: This happened
every day in
ORCHESTRA: CLARINET
PLAYING A VERY LOW SINISTER PIECE
GREENSLADE: Young Ned
took a taxi to the foot of the stairs and 2 hours later he was again in the
street.
SEAGOON: (coughing)
Curse this fog! It's worse than I first thought!
BLUEBOTTLE: Enter
invisible Bluebottle with bronchitis and smog mask around both knees to keep
leggy-peggies warm! Voila! No audience applause! That is
because of the fog. Here, I don't... eeeeh!
SEAGOON: Oh!
BLUEBOTTLE: Ee-hee!
I have bumped against a sack of something soft!
SEAGOON: Whoever you
are, it's me!
BLUEBOTTLE: I'm sorry
madam, this fog is thicker than it was before, but it's warmer! Hasn't it
got warmer?
SEAGOON: Will you take
your hand out of my pocket?!
BLUEBOTTLE:
Ee-hee-hee! So that is why it's warmer. Thinks: I must ask mummy to
make me a pocket so I can wear my head in it. Speaks: Pardon me, can you
direct me to the BBC? I'm appearing in the naughty Coon Show
SEAGOON: Let me get my
bearings, little hair-pinned legs. Now, BBC... Which way are you
facing?
BLUEBOTTLE: I'm facing
the BBC.
SEAGOON: Well,
straight along!
BLUEBOTTLE: Thank you
nice invisible human. Disappears into murk and fog singings "Give me
some men, who are..."
FX: SPLASH OF MAN
FALLING IN WATER
BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten
swine, you! You have directed me into the dreaded water and I can not see
for the fog, so I don't know whether I'm drowning or not! Shouts
"Help" just in case... Help Just In Case! Lights match to see
if feet are touching the bottom... no, but legs are! Tee-Hee! I
made a little jokul! Hee-hee-hee!
SEAGOON: I don't wish
to know that. And with that stinging repartee on my lips, I made my way
unwaveringly to my chambers. First left, straight and... curse that
bus! Stop following me, I tell you, I'm going home! I say driver,
stop following me!
SELLERS: (Jewish) I
can't help it, you've got your braces wrapped around the radiator!
SEAGOON: Bless my
soul, you're right! I thought it was warm a-hind of me.
MILLIGAN: We're not
allowed to say "behind"!
SEAGOON: I found it
much easier to walk without the bus and was soon at my front door.
FX: SEVERAL RAPID
KNOCKS ON DOOR, DOOR OPENED
SEAGOON: My butler let
me in which was strange... I hadn't got one!
SEAGOON: Oh I'm
terribly sorry, I must be in the wrong house.
SEAGOON: It's
extraordinary but I can't find my way, Jack.
SEAGOON: Home?
That's the trouble, I don't seem to be able to find it!
SEAGOON: Yes, but I...
FX: DOOR SLAMMED
SEAGOON: I recognised
the voice... Good Heavens! I must be well out of my way, I live in
Brixton! {shouts} Help!
Anyone know where Brixton is? Heeeelp!
GREENSLADE: The fog
lasted 3 days and so great was the turmoil it caused a special sitting was
called in
ELLINGTON: Gentlemen...
FX: HAMMER SLAMS
DOWN
ELLINGTON:...Be seated!
OMNES: coughs
SECOMBE: {whiny voice} Is it not time...?
CRUN: Here here!
SECOMBE: ...That
something definite was done about this fog?
MILLIGAN: Yes.
GREENSLADE: And on that
conclusive word, the debate was about to end when suddenly a figure walking in
front of himself with a burnt-out torch emerged from under the front bench.
SEAGOON: My name is
Ned Seagoon.
FX: GENTLE
CLAPPING)
SEAGOON: Thank
you! Honourable members, I am an amateur scientist.
MILLIGAN: What about
tea?
SEAGOON: Thank you,
thank you very much. As I was wandering bout in the fog, I believe I
stumbled upon a solution to rid
SELLERS: {politician} Does the honourable
member realise that fog is costing us millions every year?
MILLIGAN: Well, stop
buying it then!
SELLERS: Here here!
MILLIGAN: Bravo!
SEAGOON: Gentlemen...
MILLIGAN: What about
tea?
SEAGOON: Gentlemen, if
it costs the taxpayer so much are you prepared to sponsor me in an attempt to
rid
OMNES: Bravo!
Here here!
GREENSLADE: So Ned
Seagoon by his own initiative and resource, was given the official title of Fog
And Thick Smog Officer -- in short: FATSO!
SEAGOON: In my Liberal
sponsored twelve-storey laboratory I carried out my theory which was heating
atomically the belts of cold air rising from earth's variations in order to
warm the atmosphere. {evil laugh}
I called my experiment Hot Air!
NELSON: I first heard
the news of Seagoon's appointment on December the 3rd. At the time I was
quietly contemplating Admiralty Arch from the top of my 170 foot column.
Yes, my name is Nelson.
MILLIGAN: How can a
statue receive news?
NELSON: By pigeon.
ORCHESTRA: SINISTER LINK
GREENSLADE: Why is the
statue of Nelson interested in Ned Seagoon's experiments? And will Ned
succeed? Don't forget to order your next instalment of Forog; complete
with a large coloured portrait of Big Wall Greenslade.
MAX GELDRAY
GREENSLADE: I apologise
to listeners who received their pictures on our Elephant and Castle transmitter
for the fact that Max Geldray was blotted out at the end by a bout of thick
fog.
ORCHESTRA: CLARINET
PLAYING A VERY LOW SINISTER PIECE
SEAGOON: I was in my
laboratory at the time, and as I looked out of the government-sponsored window
I saw the dirty yellow fog and vowed to abolish it for good and all!
FX: THREE RAPID
KNOCKS ON THE DOOR
SEAGOON: Come in!
FX: DOOR HANDLE
TURNED AND DOOR OPENS
NELSON: Good day,
sir, are you Ned Seagoon?
SEAGOON: I have that
good fortune. I looked at my visitor, he was dressed in a grey-stone navy
uniform. He was well over 10 feet which gave him the appearance of being
tall.
NELSON: You may call
me Nelson.
SEAGOON: I'm pleased
to {gulp} Nelson?
NELSON: Yes, the
statue of Horatio Nelson. You don't believe it, do you?
SEAGOON: Yes, I mean
no, I mean, well... Garcon!
FX: DOOR HANDLE
TURNED AND DOOR OPENS
ECCLES: Hello!
Oh, hello Nelson!
SEAGOON: Eccles I've
just seen... you can see him too?
ECCLES: Yeah, I don't
blame him coming off that column in this weather
SEAGOON: But you can't
possibly talk to stone, you must be out of your mind!
ECCLES: What's your
excuse?
NELSON: Enough.
Now listen to me, Seagoon, stop experimenting with fog!
SEAGOON: I'm trying to
get rid of it
NELSON: Precisely,
but we statues, we must have fog
ECCLES:
Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po
Nelson and SEAGOON: Good!
NELSON: Now, when the
weather is really foggy, you see, it is the only chance we statues have to move
around and see the sights
SEAGOON: I see, I
see. So, really, you want me to forget my fog experiments so that you can
go gallivanting at random?
NELSON: Precisely.
SEAGOON: No! I
won't do it, I tell you! I won't do it! I won't I won't! I'll
clear the fog if it's the last thing I do!
NELSON: That may very
well be so.
SEAGOON: Eccles, tell
me it was all a dream. It was all a dream, wasn't it?
ECCLES: Ooooh!
SEAGOON: What's that
you've got?
ECCLES: This came off
Nelson.
SEAGOON: It's a stone
chip.
ECCLES: He must have
been having a stone supper! Ho ho!
SEAGOON: It's not
true! (getting hysterical) It's not true I tell you! It's not true!
ORCHESTRA: SINISTER LINK
NELSON: Pssst!
Achilles, dear chap.
ACHILLES: Is that you,
Nelson?
NELSON: Who
else? Seagoon refused to drop his fog experiments, pass it on around
ACHILLES: That I will,
that. Help me down... hmmmph.
NELSON: Take it easy.
ORCHESTRA: CLARINET
PLAYING A VERY LOW SINISTER PIECE
ACHILLES: Pssst!
Eros! I say, Eros!
BLUEBOTTLE:
Hee-hee! Who is that tapping my little left footie?
ACHILLES: I bear the
name of Achilles. Now listen...
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes I am
listening. Could you get down? I've got a date in Piccadilly 'cause
I'm meeting Peter Pan.
ACHILLES: I have a
message. Seagoon is going to do away with fog.
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, the
naughty mortal!
ACHILLES: Now with all
haste, pass this message on!
BLUEBOTTLE: I will do
this. Steps down off pedestal.
FX: SPLASH!
BLUEBOTTLE: Rotten little
fountain! I'm always getting wetted! Exits left to pass on the
dreaded news. Thinks: it is nice to put my leg down for a bit, though.
ORCHESTRA: CLARINET
PLAYING A VERY LOW SINISTER PIECE
GREENSLADE: Then the fog
gradually started to lift and the statues hurried back to their pedestals and
conks.
FX: LION ROARS
NELSON: Alright lads,
it's only me.
GREENSLADE: And the news
being passed round had reached the statue of William Hewitt Gladstone.
CRUN: Must pass
this unfortunate news on to Boedicia. Boedicia!
BANNISTER: Who is it?
CRUN: It's me,
Boedi, it's Gladstone. I have some bad news for you!
BANNISTER: It's not
another student strike is it? After that thing they put on my head last
year!
CRUN: It's worse
than that!
BANNISTER: It couldn't
be!
CRUN: Ned Seagoon
is going to do away with the fog!
BANNISTER: Oh the
naughty man, he's naughty!
CRUN: Yes, but if
there's no fog we won't be able to see each other again!
BANNISTER: Well we never
see each other in this fog anyway!
CRUN: But I'd never
be able to come over here and not see you!
BANNISTER: Oh dear, dear
CRUN: Yes, Boedi
Wodi!
BANNISTER: Ah, the fog
is lifting! Oooh!
CRUN: You're right!
Mercy save us! How am I going to get back?
BANNISTER: I could run
you round in the old chariot, Buddy.
CRUN: It's no good,
you've got no reflectors on it, Min.
BANNISTER: U.K.V,
GREENSLADE: Yes, it was
me, but I didn't notice anything as I was reading the Radio Times
MILLIGAN: How many of
you recognised that for the next 3 days
ORCHESTRA: SINISTER LINK
SEAGOON: But, Major
Bloodnok, it's true I tell you, I saw Nelson with my own eyes! He came to
me at my government sponsored laboratory! I demand military
protection! If all these statues gang up on me I'm finished!
BLOODNOK: Now stop
stroking me potties and let's get this down . Now then...
SEAGOON: My name is
Ned Seagoon.
BLOODNOK: I got
that. now, did any other responsible person see the statue.
ECCLES: Oh yeah, I
did.
BLOODNOK: No other
responsible person?
SEAGOON: You must
believe me, Major!
BLOODNOK: Sit down lad
and have some more gin.
SEAGOON: I've never
drunk gin in my life!
BLOODNOK: Well sit down
and have some more of whatever you've had too much of!
SEAGOON: You must give
me military protection!
BLOODNOK: Come now,
supposing I ordered the soldiers to watch Nelson to see if he moved, I mean get
my ticket wouldn't I, ey?
SEAGOON: I'd give you
a job as personal bodyguard! 10 pounds a week and all found!
BLOODNOK: Corporal
Gladys!
Ray: Yeah?
BLOODNOK: Put Nelson
under close arrest!
GREENSLADE: Two days
later fog again envelopes the south of
MILLIGAN: Nobody
noticed Nelson going through on his knees!
SEAGOON: Nobody noticed
Nelson going through on his knees, ey? Well! Bully for
Nelson. I was in my government-sponsored offices at the time. In a
few days my experiment would be tested, then gone will be fog and the statues
will not be able to harm me!
ORCHESTRA: CLARINET PLAYING
A VERY LOW SINISTER PIECE
SEAGOON: You!
NELSON: Yes Neddy,
you are determined to go through with it, I see
SEAGOON: Yes, and I
told the war office about you, so there! And they believed me!
NELSON: Did they
really?
SEAGOON: Yes, I mean
they are protecting me! I'm government-sponsored!
NELSON: You silly
twisted boy, you!
SEAGOON: Quick Eccles,
get him!
FX: STRUGGLING
NOISES
ECCLES: Okay, I go
him!
FX: MORE
STRUGGLING NOISES
SEAGOON: There!
NELSON: Now, what
have you accomplished?
SEAGOON: I had some
stone handcuffs specially prepared, and now you are my prisoner! I'm
going to take to the War Office and prove that you're true! {evil laugh} Eccles, open the
door! {evil laugh}
ECCLES: Okay.
FX: DOOR HANDLE
TURNS AND DOOR OPENS
SEAGOON: {evil laugh} Come on, you
wretched...! Come on!
NELSON: Poor
misguided boy.
FX: DOOR SHUTS
ECCLES: I don't want
to worry Neddy, but I can't see who he keeps talking to!
ORCHESTRA: SINISTER
CHORD
GREENSLADE: Yesterday, a
young government-sponsored scientist was helped down Nelson's Column where he
had handcuffed himself to the statue of Nelson. In warning him, the
magistrate said there was too much of this stuff going on. However, as
this was Seagoon's first offence he was sentenced to 3 minutes of Ray Ellington.
Ray Ellington and his Quartet
SEAGOON:
Success! Eccles, I've done it, at last! My experiment went off
beautifully! The fog disappeared like magic, never to return. Ha
Ha! No more Fog, Eccles! Just think of it, they'll make me Lord
Seagoon; and you - you'll be Lady Eccles. Wonderful day! Wonderful
day!
FX: BELLS RINGING
AND CHEERS (MUFFLED) OVER SPEECH
SEAGOON: And listen to
the bells, Eccles! This is Seagoon's Day! And the crowd, listen to
them! Open the window. Come on, open the window and let them see me
FX: WINDOW OPENED
FX: BELLS AND
CHEERS LOUDER OVER SPEECH
SEAGOON: Thank you,
thank you! Ha ha, thank you all! Oh no no no, it was nothing!
GRAMS: NOISES STOP
ECCLES: I don't want
to say anything, but the streets are deserted
ORCHESTRA: SINISTER LINK
GREENSLADE: Seagoon
bathed in the limelight of public acclaim as the cleanser of
ORCHESTRA: CLARINET
PLAYING A VERY LOW SINISTER PIECE
SEAGOON: Just think,
Eccles, in this very government-sponsored laboratory our triumph was
achieved! By Jove, it's getting dark early it's only 2 o'clock
ECCLES: Yeah, if I
wasn't with you I'd say it was fog
SEAGOON: Fog!
Well it can't be, it can't be, it can't be!
ECCLES: Oh it's
somebody smoking, that's it
SEAGOON: Where are my
notes?
ECCLES: They've gone,
Major Bloodnok took them
SEAGOON: Took them
where?
ECCLES: He left
SEAGOON: I don't like
that, Eccles, I mean I smell a rat!
ECCLES: I don't want
to worry Neddy but I can't smell anything!
SEAGOON: I want you to
get a sample of that fog!
ECCLES: Oh yeah, I
got a bucket, hold on...
SEAGOON: Open the
window, you idiot!
FX: WINDOW OPENS
ECCLES: {coughing}
SEAGOON: I've got
some! Close the window!
FX: WINDOW CLOSES
GREENSLADE: While Ned
Seagoon is analysing the fog... {chants loudly}
2, 4, 6, 8; Who do we appreciate? Greenslade! And now for our
chapter 8: the Awakening
SEAGOON: I've got it,
Eccles! By Jove now it all fits in! This isn't fog, neither is it
smog, this is forog!
ECCLES: Ooooh!
SEAGOON: Yes, foreign
fog, you see? Hee hee hee, it's been manufactured abroad, and shipped
here!
ECCLES: I wonder how
much duty there is to pay?
SEAGOON: Serious
Eccles, serious! Major Bloodnok has obviously sold my notes to
Nelson. I must get to the House of Commons with the news!
ORCHESTRA: RAPID LINK
SEAGOON: Honourable
members! I have grave news concerning our beloved
MILLIGAN: Speak up lad,
let's have it now!
OMNES: Here here!
SEAGOON: It is not fog
enveloping us! But nay, nay, it is forog; a kind of fog manufactured in
foreign parts!
OMNES:
Rubbish! Rubbish!
SEAGOON: Please,
please! If fog is being manufactured by the statues of
MILLIGAN: It's a trick
to get more...
SEAGOON: No!
Major Bloodnok in the War office has sold the entire...
OMNES: {shouts overpowering Neddy}
ORCHESTRA: MYSTIC HARP
LINK
SELLERS: {German scientist} Now Seagoon,
lad, have you placed all the bricks in the right holes and the right squares?
SEAGOON: Stop all this
nonsense! I can't understand you all! I demand to see the
authorities!
SELLERS: Of course,
you will be able to see them in a short while; they are collecting evidence at
the moment.
SEAGOON: I don't
understand what this is all about!
FX: DOOR HANDLE
TURNS AND DOOR OPENS
SELLERS: Ah good
morning Dr. Moriarty
MORIARTY: And good
morning to you, Dr. Heidel-Bugger. And this is little Ned Seagoon, is it?
SEAGOON: Doctor, have
they examined the forog?
MORIARTY: They have,
it's turned out to be fog.
SEAGOON: It's not, I
tell you! it's forog!
MORIARTY: Yes yes yes,
take it easy now
SEAGOON: Did you find
Major Bloodnok?
MORIARTY: Yes, we have
checked with the War Office records and found there is no such man in
existence.
SEAGOON: What?
But, go to my government-sponsored laboratory and you'll see his name in the
visitors book!
MORIARTY: Yes we
checked with that address you gave us but there is no laboratory there.
It is an old bomb-site
SEAGOON: {Gulp!} But, honestly,
there is a laboratory... there must be a laboratory! As true as my name
is Ned Seagoon!
MORIARTY: Ah, that's
another point. There is no such person as Ned Seagoon!
ORCHESTRA: End theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the
Goon Show: a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and
Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The
orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott; script by Eric Sykes and Spike
Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton
ORCHESTRA: End theme
continues...