BROADCAST: 7 Dec 1954


Script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes.


GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Home Service

GRYTPYPE: Oh dear!

GREENSLADE: Never-the-less, this is the BBC Home Service, my alma-mata!


SEAGOON: That olé of olés can only herald the coming of the highly esteemed Goon Show!

GRAMS: Panic stricken audience running out, door slams

SEAGOON: Who unlocked the doors? Mr. Greenslade, emergency music!

GRAMS: "The Archers" theme tune and animal noises

SEAGOON: Stop! (GRAMS stop) I knew that would get them back in. Heads above the trough! (country accent) Now then, Dan Greenslade, me dear, tell 'em as 'ow we're going to be doing that there Goon Show. I'll be off to mend my tractor

GREENSLADE: (country accent) Arrrrgh, arr-allright me old dear Ned Archer, I reckon as all we'll be having a ripe harvest of compost from 'im tonight!

GREENSLADE: Aaaarrrgh!

SEAGOON: Aaaarrgh!

GRACE ARCHER: Hello you two, still arguing about the old cow?

GREENSLADE: Aaaaaaaah!

GRACE ARCHER: Where's Daddy?

GREENSLADE: Well he were asking if them beams up in the barn were strong

SEAGOON: Ay, he asked I that, he did, he asked I that. Then he went up there with a coil of rope and a noose around his neck

GRACE ARCHER: No no, he... oh look!

GRAMS: "The Archers" end theme tune

SELLERS: Easy money!

SEAGOON: Right, now Greenslade, off with your dung smock and into a serious vein.

GREENSLADE: (himself) Right sir. Ladies and Gentlemen, it is...

SEAGOON: Mr. Greenslade, how many words have you said up to now?

GREENSLADE: Oh, about two dozen?

SEAGOON: Hmm, well, carry on for a bit

GREENSLADE: Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight...

SEAGOON: Stop! That's your lot. Ladies and Gentlepong, tonight's drama takes place in Spain, the famous Spanish land.

ORCHESTRA: Grand opening

SPANIARD: It is the summer of 1802, there in Madrid a young semi-human english lord is on vacation.

GRAMS: Spanish crowd scene and guitar music quietly behind speech

SEAGOON: Ah yes, how I love the music of the banjo! As I sat there, I was spellbound by the Spanish dancer. The flash of her dazzling teeth as she whirled and gyrated to the throbbing beat of the Flamingo. Unable to contain myself, I sprang into the middle of the floor, tore off my clothes and did: the Palais Glide! (GRAMS stop)

MILLIGAN: Not a pretty sight!

GREENSLADE: My name is Wallace Greenslade, I was in Spain at the time and the next morning I saw Ned Seagoon exhausted by his night of sensuous Morris dancing, sitting on his big white-washed hacienda

MILLIGAN: Still not a pretty sight!

SEAGOON: I sat there sipping a glass of coal and scrumming a stropper when a brown hand fell on my shoulder

MORIARTY: Ah, pardon me, but did a brown hand just fall on your shoulder?

SEAGOON: Is it yours?

MORIARTY: Yes, thank you






MORIARTY: Olé! garbled French

SEAGOON: I gave him a guarded... oui!

MORIARTY: So, the senór is a foreigner!

SEAGOON: I beg your pardon!? I'm British!

MORIARTY: I know, but this is Madrid

SEAGOON: Ha ha ha! A natural mistake, there are so many foreigners here that you took mistook me for one



MORIARTY: Olé! My name is Count Moriarty, Inspector of the Carabianeri, Spanish police, you understand?

SEAGOON: I understand

MORIARTY: Yes. I am looking for clues in the recent jewel robbery at the Castello de Berkoff, senór

SEAGOON: Ah yes, quite a bit of jewellery lost I believe

MORIARTY: Yes, I might say that whoever planned the robbery must have been a man of the highest intelligence with the courage of a lion

SEAGOON: So you suspect me




MORIARTY: Olé! A Britisher has already been incasseroled in the Madrid jail, and sentenced to 94 years, senór

SEAGOON: So he was found guilty, eh?

MORIARTY: I don't know, they haven't tried him yet

SEAGOON: Do you think they suspect him?

MORIARTY: That's difficult to say

SEAGOON: "Do you think they suspect him?" It is a bit difficult to say, yes; you try it

MORIARTY: Yes. Do-you-think-they-sus-pect-him?

SEAGOON: Of course they suspect him


SEAGOON: Why, he's even been sentenced to 94 years in jail!

MORIARTY: Caramba! How did you hear this?

SEAGOON: Two little things called... ears

MORIARTY: You cunning English, you have everything. Why, that's what I came here to tell you!

SEAGOON: Tell me what?

MORIARTY: That this Britisher has been sentenced to 94 years in jail

SEAGOON: Do you think they suspect him?

MORIARTY: That's difficult to say

SELLERS: Perhaps there's something to say for "The Archers" after all. Olé!

MORIARTY: Olé! The important thing, senór, is that we have not yet recovered the jewels. Somewhere there is a little Spanish suitcase

GRYTPYPE: Ah, good morning

SEAGOON: I turned to meet this accomplished linguist. He was a thin man aglow with lurgi. He wore a white linen suit so cunningly tailored that it left his hands and face naked






SEAGOON: I motioned him to sit down, but he refused

GRYTPYPE: Naturally, I was in the middle of the road




GRYTPYPE: May I introduce myself, I am the Honourable Grytpype-Thynne, British Ambassador in Siberia

SEAGOON: There is no embassy in Siberia

GRYTPYPE: I know, it's all so terribly frustrating

SEAGOON: Well, what are you doing over here?

GRYTPYPE: It's my day off



GRYTPYPE: Now what I - by Jove senór Moriarty!

MORIARTY: What is it?

GRYTPYPE: Look it's extraordinary

MORIARTY: Caramba! The resemblance is amazing

SEAGOON: They were both looking closely at my face, but I didn't mind; I like giving pleasure to people

GRYTPYPE: Yes, senór Seagoon, are you by any chance related to the famous English bullfighter Major El Bloodnok?

SEAGOON: Yes, we're both British

GRYTPYPE: Mmm, identical! Look, here is a photo of Major El Bloodnok

SEAGOON: Hmm, well I don't look anything like him

GRYTPYPE: That is the amazing part - he doesn't look anything like you either, so you're identically different

SEAGOON: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po

OMNES: Good!

GRYTPYPE: Ah, Neddie, lad. You will be the saviour of British prestige

MORIARTY: Of course, but allow me to explain to him the honour that is about to befall him.

GRYTPYPE: Nakos Nakos

MORIARTY: Los Nakos, yes

SEAGOON: Yakka Baku!

MORIARTY: Thank you). Now, please, tomorrow senór Seagoon at the Arena Del Torros, El Bloodnok should have fought the great Andalucian bull. Unfortunately he, ur, he can not appear. Ah! but fortunately you shall take his place

SEAGOON: Oh no no no, the crowd will recognise that I'm not El Bloodnok

GRYTPYPE: Yes, but the bull won't

SEAGOON: I tell you, no no no, I can't. Where is El Bloodnok anyway?

GRYTPYPE: Well unfortunately he is in jail for 94 yea - er - 48 hours, you understand, a minor offence, nothing at all

SEAGOON: But Count Moriarty, you're inspector of Spanish police, surely you can get him released for the fight?

MORIARTY: Ah yes, you know I'm a police inspector, but the police don't

SEAGOON: I see, I see, secret service eh? But surely they'll know you at the jail

MORIARTY: Only too well, that is why I must keep clear

GRYTPYPE: Wait, Mor-I-Arty


GRYTPYPE: All the police know is that there's a Britisher serving a 2 day sentence

MORIARTY: Yes brilliant

GRYTPYPE: Yes of course

MORIARTY: Yes, if we can get a Britisher who looks like El Bloodnok he could take his place in the jail while El Bloodnok fought the bull

SEAGOON: El Bloodnok must fight the bull

GRYTPYPE: Splendid! Now Seagoon, just try on this moustache for size

SEAGOON: But I can't take his place in jail, after all I...

GRYTPYPE: Now look Seagoon, it's only 2 days and think of British prestige

SEAGOON: Very well, for the honour of our island heritage

GRYTPYPE: You silly twisted boy you!




GRYTPYPE: Max Geldray take us to the Madrid Jail


MAX GELDRAY – “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles”


GREENSLADE: While Max Geldray was playing, Ned Seagoon, brilliantly disguised as Major Bloodnok, took his place in jail. It was a masterpiece of escapology.

GRYTPYPE: We would like to show you how it was done but - well - we may want to use the method again

MILLIGAN: In any case, it wasn't a pretty sight

FX:  Keys being jangled.

GRAMS: Heavy iron door opening.

ELLINGTON: Well, there's your supper

FX: Cutlery being placed on the floor

SEAGOON: Yum yum! Din dins! Thank you, you play the game by me, jailer, I'll reward you when I'm released

ELLINGTON: Man, I'll be dead when you come out!

SEAGOON: You're not ill are you?

ELLINGTON: Oh no no no, but I'm 25 now and I won't live forever

SEAGOON: But I'm only here for 2 days

ELLINGTON: Oh that's rich! Ha ha ha ! You do the biggest jewel robbery in years and you say that - 2 days? Ha ha ha ha ha...

FX: Keys jangled and heavy prison door open and closed

MILLIGAN: It's tricky for Seagoon, isn't it?

ORCHESTRA:  Spanish link music

GREENSLADE: Listeners, as you all know so well, where the Calle de Carla meets the Prada in the Plaza of Madrid, stands the Hotel Fred. I was staying there as a guest of Senór Henry Crun, the manager

CRUN: Let me see, how many rooms do we have booked now? Number 1: Senór and Senóra Smith. Number 2, Senór and Senóra Smith… 3, 4, 5, 6, 7: Senór and Senóra Smith… 9, 10, 11: all Smith! Hmmm, just like our lovely little hotel in Brighton!

FX: Hotel bell ringing

MORIARTY: Attention please, senór. Buenos dias, Buenos dias. My name is Count Moriarty

CRUN: Olé!


CRUN: Olé!

MORIARTY: Well done

CRUN: I'll get a room ready for you

MORIARTY: I don't want a room

CRUN: Well you can't stay here then.

MORIARTY: Mr. Old Man, I am a great amigo of Major El Bloodnoko

CRUN: Ah, noko niko niku.

MORIARTY: Well said!

CRUN: he's gone, you know?


CRUN: Bloodnokoo, which reminds me - Minnie!


CRUN: What's that Minnie?

BANNISTER: I said si Henry.

CRUN: I'll get my glasses Minnie.

BANNISTER: Si si si, Buddie! In Spain we say si si! Im bom biddle..(etc)

CRUN: Oh yes yes yes, si si si. Minnie?


CRUN: Changé el cabanyero par los de habituelle 23

BANNISTER: What's that Henry?

CRUN: Changé el cabanyero par los de habituelle 23. Now, Minnie, did you hear what I said to you?

BANNISTER: Si, you said changé el cabanyero par los de habituelle 23

CRUN: Si si, so why don't you do it?

BANNISTER: What does it mean Henry?

CRUN: It means change the sheets in 23

BANNISTER: In Spain we say si si

CRUN: Stop that modern foreign madrigal and change the sheets

BANNISTER: Ying Bong Iddle I

CRUN: What what what?

MORIARTY: Please, please, sapristi-nyockos

CRUN: Knuckles?

MORIARTY: I'm here about Major El Bloodnok

CRUN: yes yes, Major Bloodnok he's in jail you know?

MORIARTY: Yes yes, he asked me to collect his suitcase. A black Spanish Suitcase

CRUN: Oh yes yes, I sent it down to the jail

MORIARTY: Caramba nyockos! This old fool has given the suitcase to Seagoon. Old Man, did you deliver this case personally?

CRUN: Yes I gave it to Major Bloodnok, but he kept saying he was Ned Seagoon

MORIARTY: Sapristi-Caramba!

GRAMS: Whoosh!

GREENSLADE: I watched the hurrying figure of Moriarty with my binoculars as he went towards the Congressa De Los Bottalés. There he was met by a man heavily disguised as Ned Seagoon

MILLIGAN: Not a pretty sight!

BLOODNOK: Ah Moriarty! Now where's the suitcase?

MORIARTY: It's in jail

BLOODNOK: But it's innocent!

MORIARTY: Never the less, it is there. Now, this is the only way we can get out: you must go in!

BLOODNOK: Me? But why don't you go in?

MORIARTY: Impossible, they would recognise at once that I was not you

BLOODNOK: But I'm disguised as Seagoon

MORIARTY: Exactly, they'll have nothing against you. You can go to jail with the knowledge that you're perfectly innocent

BLOODNOK: Very well, for the sake of my old Spanish Suitcase

MORIARTY: I'll make arrangements in Spanish with the jailer. Ellington!


MORIARTY: Look the other way, nyuckos!



RAY ELLINGTON – “Bim Bam Baby”


GREENSLADE: Let us now re-cap

SEAGOON: I'm innocent, I tell you!

GREENSLADE: Originally Major Bloodnok was in jail for 94 years suspected of the jewel robbery

SEAGOON: I'm innocent

GREENSLADE: Innocent young Neddie Seagoon, heavily disguised as major Bloodnok was inveigled into taking Bloodnok's place

SEAGOON: I really am innocent, I tell you I really am

GREENSLADE: In the meantime Major Bloodnok heavily disguised as Ned Seagoon was once again at large trying to collect the much sought after Spanish suitcase

SEAGOON: And I'm completely innocent!

GREENSLADE: Seagoon, realising he's been duped, removed his disguise and revealed himself as Ned Seagoon

SEAGOON: I am Ned Seagoon, I'm innocent!

GREENSLADE: To his horror the Spanish police then believed that he had committed the robbery heavily disguised as Major Bloodnok

SEAGOON: It's not true, it's a lie, I'm innocent! I tell you I really am!

GREENSLADE: Meantime Mr. Crun sent the Spanish Suitcase to Ned Seagoon in jail

SEAGOON: Lying there innocent!

GREENSLADE: Believing him to be Major Bloodnok

SEAGOON: I've been tricked, I'm an innocent prawn, porn, pawn! I demand justice! I'm innocent!

GREENSLADE: Now Major Bloodnok is being smuggled back into jail in order to retrieve the Spanish Suitcase, and may I take this opportunity of reminding listeners to post early for Christmas

FX: Keys jangling and heavy prison door opened

ELLINGTON: Come on, in you get! Get in there, you'll be company for the other two

FX: Jangling keys and heavy prison door shut

BLOODNOK: Ah, it's good to be home! Any mail?

SEAGOON: Thank Heavens! It's good to be able to talk to a human being

BLOODNOK: But he said there were two of you in here

ECCLES: Um de dum de dum de dum de dum

BLOODNOK: I understand what you mean


BLOODNOK: Let me introduce myself, I am Major El Bloodnok

SEAGOON: What? You're the cause of my being in here! Help! Help!

BLOODNOK: No no no, don't take on so. I've come back to help you, haven't I?

SEAGOON: I wish it wasn't so dark in here, I'd like you to see the scorn and disbelief in my face

BLOODNOK: Neddie, lad, I have a plan to get us out


BLOODNOK: (whispering) Yes give me your eat. Now listen (whispers incoherently, then speaks in normal voice) Have you got that?

ECCLES: Yup! You want me to tell Neddie?

BLOODNOK: Curse! The wrong idiot!

SEAGOON: What's this all about?

BLOODNOK: You may as well tell him now

ECCLES: Well, Neddie, when the warden comes in...

BLOODNOK: Whisper, you fool!

ECCLES: (shouting) Whisper you fool! (quiet) Oh yeah, it's a secret, yeah, the man says to whisper (whispers incoherently with sound effects, then speaks) You got that?

ELLINGTON: I certainly have!

ECCLES: Oooooh! A jailor! I didn't see you in the dark

ELLINGTON: That's hardly surprising!

BLOODNOK: You nincompoop, Eccles, take that and that and that

FX: Punching sound


SEAGOON: Stop Major, it hurts me the way you're hitting him


SEAGOON: You're hitting him with me!

BLOODNOK: Oh, but he's foiled the escape plan. We'll shall have to try again later


BLOODNOK: Good. Now to help us escape all we need is a little leather box, preferably a little Spanish Suitcase

SEAGOON: Oh, I haven't got one

BLOODNOK: No case? Come now, dear lad, no Spanish Suitcase? Mr. Greenslade the porter delivered it from the Hotel Fred only this morning

SEAGOON: Oh that! It wasn't mine so I sent it back

BLOODNOK: Knuckle me sombrero and Spanish me knuckles, sent it... Moriarty! He knew it was being sent back to the Hotel Fred that's why he wanted to get me in here. That's what it's all about!

SEAGOON: What are we going to do?

ECCLES: 94 years

ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link

GREENSLADE: I was sitting outside the Hotel Fred reading the Radio Times when I saw Count Moriarty and Senór Grytpype Thynne approaching

GRYTPYPE: You're sure the suitcase was returned to the Hotel Fred?

MORIARTY: Why yes, the jailer told me

GRYTPYPE: Good man. Oh porter?


GRYTPYPE: Where is the old man who owns the hotel?

GREENSLADE: Oh, Senór Crun, such a clever man, do you know he hasn't paid a peseta in tax since 1894? He's brilliant with figures

MORIARTY: Si si, but where is he now?

GREENSLADE: He's in jail


GREENSLADE: They took him this afternoon

MORIARTY: Did he take anything with him?

GREENSLADE: Well not really, only an old Spanish suitcase

ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link

FX: Jangling keys and heavy prison door opened

SEAGOON: I'm innocent, I tell you, I'm completely innocent!

ELLINGTON: Yes yes yes. Now move over, there's two more to join you - in you get!

MORIARTY: Gracias gracias

GRYTPYPE: After you, Moriarty

MORIARTY: Thank you

FX: Jangling keys and heavy prison door shut

BLOODNOK: Griddle me grodkins, that sounds like that double-crossing no-good naughty man Count Moriarty

MORIARTY: Calm yourself Blidnook. How many people are there in here?

BLOODNOK: There's Seagoon, me, Mr. Crun...

ECCLES: Me; I'm a member here!

SEAGOON: What's this all about? I'm innocent I tell you

MORIARTY: Quiet! I know! Never mind now, Mr. Crun have you a suitcase?

CRUN: Yes here it is

MORIARTY: At last, give it to me

BLOODNOK: Take your foreign hands off it, I believe it's mine

MORIARTY: Yes, but the jewels inside they belong to all of us; we've all taken risks

BLOODNOK: Jewels? My dear chap, all that's in my suitcase is a change of underwear

GRYTPYPE: Yes, I think they're trying to bluff us Moriarty

SEAGOON: Why don't you open the suitcase and find out?

GRYTPYPE: Good idea. Open it


MORIARTY: Are there jewels inside?

BLOODNOK: Feel for yourself, all there is are Dennis's unmentionables, that's all. Here, feel the cardboard in the front of my dress shirt, there's nothing at all

MORIARTY: Then who's got the jewels? I'll find out - take that!

FX: Metal tray hit hard on someone's head


MORIARTY: Who are you?

BLUEBOTTLE: Enter Spanish Bluebottle, with a Spanish audience

SEAGOON: Little knobbly Spanish actor, what are you doing here?

BLUEBOTTLE: I'm here to brighten up the script and to fight the dreaded Spanish-type bull. I'm not afraid of those needle-pointed horns - thinks: Yes I am! Moves left, strums Spittoon and does Cuspidor dance

SEAGOON: Little careless fracturer, what do you know of the bull-fighter's art?

BLUEBOTTLE: I have seen the picture "Blood and Sand" and I learnt one thing from that


BLUEBOTTLE: Ali Can knew what he was doing

SEAGOON: But what about the bullfight?

BLUEBOTTLE: If the bull charges to my right I run towards the matador, if the bull charges to the left I run towards the picadors

SEAGOON: And if it rushed straight at you?

BLUEBOTTLE: Then I run for the back-a-door, ha ha!

MORIARTY: Listen, little wreck, do you know anything about the jewels?

BLUEBOTTLE: Hee hee hee! They have been stolen, but I have not got them all so shall we play another game? I don't like standing in the dark, you know, I don't like the dark standing. Feels out for my Cap-I-Tain

ECCLES: Ooooh!

BLUEBOTTLE: Hee hee hee! Is that my friend? I knew you would be in here

ECCLES: Yeah, I knew I'd be in here too

BLUEBOTTLE: I ran all the way to get here

ECCLES: Did you?



BLUEBOTTLE: Shall we go and play in the car park?

ECCLES: In the car park?

BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, and then we can take all the car numbers down

ECCLES: And the tyres

BLUEBOTTLE: yes. I got 302 cars yesterday and...

SEAGOON: I'm sorry little pimply toreador

ECCLES: He's innocent!

SEAGOON: But you'll have to stay here

BLUEBOTTLE: My little captain has spoken. He's joking

MORIARTY: This is no joke, Bluebottle, we have not got the jewels and we are all encasseroled here forever

BLUEBOTTLE: Tee hee! I don't like this game! Where are we?

ELLINGTON: You're in jail, man, and the only person to get out of this jail was me

BLUEBOTTLE: Go away you naughty man with the big keys, we can go home now can't we captain? Can we go home cap-i-tain? Eccles, Eccles, we can go home now if we want to can't we? Major Bloodnok? Dear little Major Bloodnok? Why don't we all go to the pictures, I don't like it here

SEAGOON: I'll tell you why, little stringy stand-in, this is no play, this is the strongest jail in the world. There is no way out

BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten Spanish onions you! You have trapped me into coming here. And I thought it as just a play we was acting. Now I can't go home!

MORIARTY: Shut up!


MORIARTY: Shut up!

BLUEBOTTLE: I will not shut up!

MORIARTY: Shut up!

BLUEBOTTLE: No. I will shout for my father, he's in the fire brigade. And he will come and rescue little Bluebottle.

MORIARTY: Shut up little Bluebottle!

FX: Frying pan hit on someone's head


MORIARTY: Take that

BLUEBOTTLE: I've been Spanish nutted. Falls right into the ground holding dirty big lump on crust - doot-doot-doot-doot!

SEAGOON: What are we to do? Heeeeelp!

ECCLES: No no no no no. That won't do any good, you know? You've got to use your brains, brains.

SEAGOON: We can't stay here for the rest of our lives!

ECCLES: No, we must get out.

SEAGOON: Yes, but how?

ECCLES: I'll show you. Heeeeeelp!

CRUN: Well, if we're going to be here for the rest of our lives we might as well get comfortable.


SEAGOON: It's alright for you, a couple of weeks and you'll be out

MORIARTY: Caramba! I wonder who could have stolen the jewels? Who? Who?

FX: Lone violin playing A "Hearts and Flowers" over...

SEAGOON: 93 years went by

ECCLES: Do you think they've forgotten us?

SEAGOON: And by now, we'd almost given up hope. Our only recreation was to climb up on each other's shoulders and look through a tiny crack in Eccles's head. We could see the harbour and occasionally a beautiful yacht which belonged to one of the newly rich families that lived in Spain - El Greenslade

GRYTPYPE: Rather a funny name for a yacht - it was called the Spanish Suitcase!

ORCHESTRA: End theme.

GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra as conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton.