GOON SHOW TLO 674685TH SERIES: NO 101st BROADCAST: 30 Nov 1954 GREENSLADE: This is the
BBC.
FX: cash register
SELLERS: Last orders,
please!
SECOMBE: Mr. Sellers
is merely trying to sabotage the highly esteemed Goon Show!
FX: mystic eastern music
SECOMBE:
GREENSLADE: Certainly.
Ladies and gentlemen
FX: Cash register
SELLERS: Last orders,
please
SECOMBE: Sellers, stop
that!
SELLERS: Yes Sir,
which way did it go?
SECOMBE: I don't wish
to know that
SELLERS: I don't wish
to know that
SECOMBE: I say, look
here.
SELLERS: I say.
Remember, this is the highly esteemed Goon Show!
GRAMS: Massed cheering.
Fade in massed singing of "
SECOMBE: Stop! Stop!
GRAMS: immediate stop.
SECOMBE: That may be
good enough for other talking wireless shows, but not for us! And therefore...
and therefore, let us now hear the usual ovation that greets... The Goon Show!
FX: silence
SECOMBE: Thank you.
Pull up a sock and sit down whilst I unfold a story of...
GREENSLADE: The Booted Gorilla,
Part One.
FX: mystery fanfare
SECOMBE:
FX: cash register
SELLERS: Last orders,
please.
GREENSLADE: Deep in the
forest, a safari slowly wands its wee through the donse tinkle.
BLOODNOK: Ohh! Ohh! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Seagoon, the heat.
SEAGOON: Yes, it's the
heat! Gad, it's hot!
BLOODNOK: Yes, it... it
must be the heat!
SEAGOON: Of course,
the heat! [laughs]
BLOODNOK: It's the
hottest heat we've ever hocked.
SEAGOON: Yes. [coughs]
Oh, these jungle roads. Why are they so dusty?
BLOODNOK: We can't get
a cleaner.
SEAGOON: Ah, it must
be the heat.
BLOODNOK: The heat,
yes. Oh, it's bit of a fag.
SEAGOON: What is?
BLOODNOK: Half a
cigarette. Oh, the heat, the heat!
SEAGOON: The heat, oh,
the heat [etc.]
ELLINGTON: Look! Here!
SEAGOON: The gunbearer
pointed a quivering saxophone at the footprints of a gorilla. Suddenly, behind
a bush, they had stopped.
BLOODNOK: Well, most of
us stop behind a bush sometime or another...
SEAGOON: Yes, but this
is different!
BLOODNOK: Impossible!
It must be the heat!
SEAGOON: Look, Major,
look! Here the gorilla's footprints stop! And then they start again as boot
prints!
BLOODNOK: Boots? A gorilla
wearing boots? Well, if this is true, the animal worth a fortune! A circus
would give us the earth for it! Even the water!
SEAGOON: Then... Then
let's catch it!
BLOODNOK: We will catch
it, even if I have to fight it single handed!
SEAGOON: Gad, Bloodnok,
I admire your guts!
BLOODNOK: Why, are they
showing?
SEAGOON: Only when the
sun's behind you.
BLOODNOK: Must be the
heat. Now, action stations for Operation Gorilla! First, Seagoon, take a
letter. To Bwana Grytpype Thynne, Care of the
FX: harp music; knock on door
GRYTPYPE: Come in.
FX: extended sound effect of axe smashing down of door.
SEAGOON: You know,
have you ever had a mad, uncontrollable impulse?
GRYTPYPE: You silly,
twisted boy, you. Now, give me that axe... There's a good lad. Now pull up a
sock and sit down.
SEAGOON: Thank you. Is
this, ah, the Gorilla Collectors Society?
GRYTPYPE: Yes. Your
cage is waiting.
SEAGOON: I'm not a
gorilla, I'm Bwana Seagoon!
GRYTPYPE: This takes a
bit of swallowing. Perhaps he's mad.
SEAGOON: Little does
he know I'm as sane as the next fellow!
ECCLES: Little does
he know that I'm the next fellow!
SEAGOON: Who is this
ragged Goon?
GRYTPYPE: Seagoon? This
is Bwana Eccles, the famous specimen.
SEAGOON: Specimen of
what?
GRYTPYPE: We're not
quite sure yet.
SEAGOON: What's he
walking round in bare feet for?
GRYTPYPE: Poor fellow
was born like it, you know..
SEAGOON: How terribly
terrible! It must be the heat!
GRYTPYPE: Yes, the heat.
SEAGOON: [laughs] No!
Now to business. [clears throat] I have here a message from Bloodnok in the
heart of
GRYTPYPE: Oh, let's
have it.
SEAGOON: Right.
FX: jungle-type drums.
SEAGOON: Yours
sincerely.
FX: drums
SEAGOON: Any reply?
GRYTPYPE: Jove, yes!
This!
FX: Jazzier drums
GRYTPYPE: Signed, yours
truly.
FX: clackers
GRYTPYPE: PS:
FX: bbbrrrrrrrring
SEAGOON: What
beautiful handwriting!
GRYTPYPE: [under
audience laughter] delightful
SEAGOON: So then,
you'll give us a plan to catch this booted gorilla?
GRYTPYPE: Yes. Pull up
a sock and sit down.
GREENSLADE: Listeners,
does it strike you as at all significant that in a story that concerns a
gorilla that wears boots, Eccles is bare footed? Could it be that these clues
will bare feet? Sit it over while we hear from that booted mouth organist,
Bwana Max Geldray! Yee-akaboo!
OMNES: Yakaboo!
MAX GELDRAY - “The High and the Mighty”
GRYTPYPE: And now to
bizz
MILLIGAN: ness.
GRYTPYPE: Now, this is
how to catch the gorilla: all you need is a portable, collapsible boot repair
shop.
SEAGOON: What for?
GRYTPYPE: Dear little
Camrick man. That gorilla's boots can't last forever. Eventually the soles will
wear out and he's bound to look for a boot repairer, get it?
SEAGOON:
Ying-tong-iddle-I-po!
OMNES: Good!
SEAGOON: Wait! Who's
going to serve behind the counter? That gorilla will be ferocious!
GRYTPYPE: Hmmm, now who
do I know who's a mug?
ECCLES: Well, I'd
better go upstairs and pack. Oh!
GRYTPYPE: Splendid,
splendid. Now, Seagoon, you go and find a collapsible boot shop.
SEAGOON:
Ying-tong-iddle-I-po!
GRYTPYPE: Good!
FX: music
SEAGOON: I scoured the
country for a suitable shop. Then, finally, I found one the right size in a
little village in the city of
FX: cobbling sound, through following "song"
GRYTPYPE: [singing] I
sit and I cobble from the break of day, cobble all night and cobble..
SEAGOON: [entering]
Good morning, sir!
GRYTPYPE: ...all day.
Cobble and cobble and I cobble away. I cobble all day.. and night... Good
morning. I'm a cobbler, you know?
SEAGOON: Really? I
could have sworn you were a Nubian chicken sexer.
GRYTPYPE: There is a
resemblance, I must agree. I cobble all day and night, I cobble...
SEAGOON: [to audience]
Does this wrinkled old cobbler know what he's talking about?
GRYTPYPE: Yes, he knows
what he's talking about.
SEAGOON: Good, then
I'll talk to him.
GRYTPYPE: Splendid
idea.
SEAGOON: [clears
throat] Pardon me, sir?
GRYTPYPE: Yes, sir? You
see, he answered you.
SEAGOON: So he did,
thank you. Sir? There's a sign outside that says this shop is for sale.
GRYTPYPE: Oh, yes, yes,
the proprietor put that up.
SEAGOON: Could I speak
to him, please?
GRYTPYPE: Certainly,
I'll get--
SEAGOON: Wait, wait,
before you get him, how much is he asking?
GRYTPYPE: Well, I,
ah...
SEAGOON: Come on, now
[laughs],
GRYTPYPE: Oh, well...
SEAGOON: here's a
fiver. Tell us, how much is he asking?
GRYTPYPE: Oh... fifty
pounds.
SEAGOON: Is that all?
[laughs] and I was going to offer him 500! I've saved myself 450 pounds!
Both: [laugh]
SEAGOON: Well, go and
get him.
CRUN: I am him.
SEAGOON:
Whatwhawhawhawhawhawhawhat?
CRUN: The price is
500 pounds.
SEAGOON: I say, look
here, I, I, I,
BANNISTER: [enters]
Henry? Henry, there's no paper... oh.
CRUN: Minnie! This
man wants to buy the shop.
BANNISTER: Well, we're
asking 50 pounds for it, Henry, and we'll get it please stick out for it.
CRUN: Yes, I'll try
and knock him down.
BANNISTER: Here's the
hammer.
CRUN: Sir, 500
pounds is too much.
SEAGOON: Well, em, 450
pounds then.
GRYTPYPE: No, no, no.
SEAGOON: Hem. I'll go
to 200 pounds.
CRUN: Ah, well...
BANNISTER: No, no, no,
buddy, you'll have to drop more. Henry and I are very tough customers, buddy.
CRUN: Yes, Buddy.
BANNISTER: Says me,
Buddy
SEAGOON: Says you,
Buddy.
BANNISTER: Yes, Buddy.
SEAGOON: Very well,
100 pounds.
CRUN: No, no, no,
Buddy, our price is 50 pounds, you pay it or we don't sell, you take your pick.
SEAGOON: All right, 50
pounds.
CRUN: Done!
BANNISTER: Bravo.
SEAGOON: Gad, you
Americans drive a hard bargain.
BANNISTER: We're not
Americans.
SEAGOON: No? Those
elastic-sided boots had me completely fooled.
BANNISTER: Oh, well, we
like the modern style, Buddy, you know?
SEAGOON: I'm sure you
do, Buddy.
BANNISTER: Crazy, Buddy,
crazy.
SEAGOON: Yes, crazy,
yes [laughs]. Well, there's your 50 pounds.
FX: coins dropping
CRUN: Oh, look,
Minnie, it's all in money!
SEAGOON: Yes, now, I
want you out of here by tomorrow.
CRUN: You want us
to get out?
SEAGOON: Of course.
CRUN: But we go
with the shop, we're included in the price.
SEAGOON: Dear
listeners: I realized that Mr. Crun and Ms. Bannister were the very people to
serve behind the counter when we erected the shop in
BANNISTER: Huzah!
FX: fanfare, to Africa-style music
GREENSLADE: On the
outskirts of the gorilla forest, Bloodnok awaits the return of Seagoon. It's a
humid night, and he lays sweating on his charboy.
BLOODNOK: Oh, oh, this
heat! Where's me lime juice?
FX: airplane strafing
BLOODNOK: Blast those
mosquitos! What a nasty place to be bitten! I shall never sleep on me stomach
again! Pour me a barapega in about a baramela.
FX: pop, pour
Char wallah: Say when,
sir.
BLOODNOK: Yes, yes.
Ellington! Play us a Magyar melody on your electric elephant tusk and lurgie
soother!
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET -
"Mr. Sandman"& “I Ain’t Got Nobody”
FX: pouring
BLOODNOK: When
SEAGOON: Bloodnok!
Ahoy there!
BLOODNOK: Seagoon!
You're back at last, lad!
SEAGOON: Yes.
BLOODNOK: You have the
collapsible boot shop?
SEAGOON: And two
collapsible attendants. A Mr. Crun, and, ah... a lady.
BLOODNOK: A lady? Sog
me nurglers! Layout me clean ducks and me dirty chickens!
SEAGOON: Major? May I
introduce... Miss Bannister!
BLOODNOK: Oh, what
magical spot do you hail from?
SEAGOON:
Llangewellychsocks, why?
BLOODNOK: I was asking
the lady, not you! Naughty man! Now, my dear, dear lady. How delightful to have
a member of the opposite sex out here! Oh, what a delightful, ravishing
creature you are!
BANNISTER: [uncertainly]
Oh...
BLOODNOK: Do you really
mean that?
BANNISTER: [uncertain
sound]
BLOODNOK: Wait!
BANNISTER: What?
BLOODNOK: Is it?
BANNISTER: Yes.
BLOODNOK: Can it be!
BANNISTER: Is it.
BLOODNOK: Yes, it is!
BANNISTER: Oh...
BLOODNOK: Minnie
Bannister, the darling of Roper's Light Horse
BANNISTER: Yes.
BLOODNOK: and voted
Miss Ball Carrier of 1901!
BANNISTER: Oh, Dennis!
[hums] Oh, the vapours!
BLOODNOK: Oh...
BANNISTER: Oh, dear,
dear...
BLOODNOK: I well
remember...
BANNISTER: Dashing
Dennis of the
BLOODNOK: Oh...
BANNISTER: Oh, me, back
from the dead!
BLOODNOK: Are you? How
long are you staying? Remember that locket of hair you gave me?
BANNISTER: You still
wear it?
BLOODNOK: Yes, it
covers the bald spot on me nut.
BANNISTER: Oh, Dashing
Dennis!
BLOODNOK: Oh, Minnie,
my dear lady!
BANNISTER: Dennis!
BLOODNOK: Oh, remember
that last dance we had at the Governor's Ball in Kornpor?
BANNISTER: Oh, yes! That
was the night they played our song.
BLOODNOK: Our song! Let
us sing it again, together!
FX: musical intro with romantic flare
BOTH: "Any Old
Iron" (double tempo)
SELLERS: Last orders
please
OMNES: Yakaboo!
[etc]
MILLIGAN: You know, I
don't know how we get away with it.
FX: Scene-change music, jungle drums
SECOMBE: Plans were
made for the trapping of the gorilla. Special, stout-hearted scouts were sent
ahead to track it down...
FX: jungle sounds.
BLUEBOTTLE: Do you know
something? Oh, I got a sausinge But I tell you something: I do not like this
stout-hearted scout part. In the dreaded jungle wearing only short trousers,
harm can come to a growing lad. Thinks: this is not the usual Bluebottle
entrance. Thinks again: I must speak to the writer about giving us something.
ECCLES: See here,
have you seen any signs of the booted gorilla?
BLUEBOTTLE: No, and I do
not want to.
ECCLES: Oh, it's a
good job I ain't wearing boots or sure enough I'd be in that cage by now!
[laughs]
BLUEBOTTLE: I should have
stayed at home by the fire with Ruffules.
ECCLES: Oh, who's
Ruffules?
BLUEBOTTLE: That's my
pussy cat!
ECCLES: Oh! Oh, what,
ah, what do you know? You've got a pussy cat?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, I have
got a pussy cat.
ECCLES: Well! I ain't
got a pussy cat. But I, but I got a bunny rabbit!
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, I have
not got a bunny rabbit.
ECCLES: Hey, I got
one!
BLUEBOTTLE: Have you got
a bunny rabbit?
ECCLES: Yeah! Yeah,
you got one?
BLUEBOTTLE: No, I've got
a pussy cat.
ECCLES: Oh, you've
got to [inaudible] I never knew that.
BLUEBOTTLE: It is, it's
Ruffles.
ECCLES: What's -
who's that?
BLUEBOTTLE: My pussy cat.
What have you got?
ECCLES: I've got a
bunny rabbit, have you?
BLUEBOTTLE: No, I've got
a pussy cat.
ECCLES: What's his
name?
BLUEBOTTLE: Ruffles.
ECCLES: Who's that?
BLUEBOTTLE: My pussy cat.
ECCLES: I've got a
bunny rabbit.
Both: [continue,
inaudible under applause]
GREENSLADE: Just in case
some stupid people didn't understand that conversation, it was briefly that
Bluebottle had a bunny rabbit and Eccles had a pussy cat called Ruffles.
MILLIGAN: I suppose the
BBC do know what they're doing...
GREENSLADE: Of course
they do! And so, to the final dramatic scene: the night that the trap for the
booted gorilla is laid.
SEAGOON: Yes. In a
clearing we erected the boot repair shop. Inside were Mr. Crun and Miss
Bannister. At
FX: buzzzz
SEAGOON: Hello?
GRYTPYPE: Mr. Seagoon?
The lights are fused in the shop.
SEAGOON: I'll have
them fixed.
GRYTPYPE: Oh! Tell me,
what is this customer we're expecting? What does he look like?
SEAGOON: Well, ah...
He'll be wearing a hairy coat, okay?
GRYTPYPE: Ah, okay.
FX: rings off
SEAGOON: Eccles?
ECCLES: Yuh, yuh?
SEAGOON: Go to the
lamp store and take Mr. Crun three two-watt bulbs. Now to phone Bloodnok...
FX: phone rings
BLUEBOTTLE: I heard you
buzz, my Capitan! I heard you buzz me!
SEAGOON: Well, buzz
off, I don't want ya!
BLUEBOTTLE: Do not be
cruel to Bluebottlekins, I was doing a man's hero's job! Makes face with eye
and protruding jaw like Anthony Steel but stops as teeth fall out.
SEAGOON: Well, any
signs of the gorilla?
BLUEBOTTLE: No, it's very
dark, but me and Eccles is still watching.
SEAGOON: But Eccles is
here.
BLUEBOTTLE: [gulp; laughs
nervously] There?
SEAGOON: Yes.
BLUEBOTTLE: Then who's
this sitting on the branch next to me? [significant pause] HELP!
SEAGOON: Quick! Everyone
to the rescue!
Grams: [sing] Give me some men who are stout hearted men-who will
fight
SEAGOON: Right! Here
we are! Bluebottle, you up there!
BLUEBOTTLE: Help! I'm
trap-ped by the dreaded gorilla. He has pulled off my boot disclosing the
ancient secret of the dirty big holes in my socks!
SEAGOON: Jump, lad,
I'll catch you! The ground will break your fall.
BLUEBOTTLE: righto
FX: jump, land on Seagoon.
SEAGOON: Oh, ah, got
ya! Good lad, now, let's brush you down and
BLUEBOTTLE: [from the
same distance] I say, promise you won't drop me?
SEAGOON: Of course
not, just wait till I've brushed Bluebottle... [gulps] Bluebottle was up the
tree with the gorilla. I just caught something that jumped from the tree.
Bluebottle is still up the tree, so the person I'm brushing down...
GRAMS: Huge
gorilla roar. Single whoosh.
BLUEBOTTLE: Here I come,
Captain!
FX: jumps, lands
BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten
swine, you! You let me fall to the ground. Points at dirty big lump on crust.
See, see, see, see, see, see, see! Picks up loose shins... Oh, you're not my
capitan.
GORILLA: [growls]
BLUEBOTTLE: [screams,
whooshes away]
SEAGOON: Help! We're
both trapped!
BLOODNOK: All right,
I'm coming, lads, all is well, old Bloodnok will soon fix that naughty thing.
GREENSLADE: Chapter
Eleven.
BLOODNOK: Help! Save
us! Help!
FX: field telephone.
SEAGOON: Hello?
GRYTPYPE: Mr. Seagoon?
I'm speaking from the shop. The gentlemen with the hairy coat is here.
SEAGOON: Bloodnok!
He's got the gorilla in the shop! [blathers] Mr Crun?
GRYTPYPE: Yes?
SEAGOON: Keep him
there!
GRYTPYPE: Oh, I think
he wants to stay.
SEAGOON: Why?
GRYTPYPE: He's standing
on my head.
SEAGOON: Quick! Quick,
to the shop!
FX: Whosh, whosh, whoos-whoosh!
SEAGOON: [gasping for
breath] See anything through the window?
BLOODNOK: No, the shop's
in complete darkness, it must be the heat.
ECCLES: Oh, hello, I
just brought them lightbulbs for the shop, yep. Oh, yeah.
SEAGOON: Oh. [laughs]
Well, you'd, you'd better go inside and put them in, hadn't you? [laughs]
ECCLES: Okay, okay,
yeah, yeah, I'll do that [fades]
BLUEBOTTLE: I say,
Captain? You weren't half a rotten swine, Captain, sending him in there with
that gorilla alone?
SEAGOON: Well, you go
in with him then.
BLUEBOTTLE: I can't.
SEAGOON: Why not?
BLUEBOTTLE: I'm a rotten
swine, too!
FX: door slams.
SEAGOON: He's gone in.
FX: extended battle sounds with Eccles crying out; a quiet
pause:
BLOODNOK: Do you think
they're fighting in there?
FX: extended battle sounds continue; silence
BLOODNOK: I think
they've stopped.
SEAGOON: Well, let's
go in. You keep me covered with that blank check.
BLOODNOK: Yes.
SEAGOON: Good heavens,
look! Look! The gorilla, bound, foot and mouth! Who did this?
BANNISTER: I gave him
the old one-two, buddy, yes!
SEAGOON: Did you?
Well, where's Eccles?
BANNISTER: The coward
ran out after Mr. Crun.
SEAGOON: Wait, wait!
This isn't the gorilla! This one's got bare feet!
GRYTPYPE: Help, Minnie!
Minnie!
SEAGOON: Look,
upstairs! The booted gorilla chasing Mr. Crun!
BLOODNOK: Then who's
this poor idiot lying trussed up on the floor?
ECCLES: Guess who?
FX: Cash register.
BLOODNOK: Last orders,
please.
OMNES: Yakaboo!
ORCHESTRA: End theme.
GREENSLADE: That was the
Goon Show, a recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike
Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was
conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer
Wallace Greenslade, the program produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA: Playout.